Blame Canada
by mrmattimation
Summary: Canada prepares for war. The third installment of a series that began with Shattered Memberries and continued into Dorito Elect.
1. Chapter 1: The Gay Boy Who Cried Wolf

**A/N: This story is a direct sequel to both Shattered Memberries and Dorito Elect, so read those first if you haven't already. Crystal Rick (getting finished next week, trying to figure out the ending) is an optional read.**

 **I wanted to do something a little different with this one. While I was writing Dorito Elect, I realized I was really unhappy with how I handled the character arcs and whatnot, and now I see why. Every chapter sort of blended together because they were all basically about the same things. On top of that, in both Memberries AND Dorito, a lot of fun secondary characters didn't get any love because of the nature of the story. So THIS time, I decided to impose a little challenge on myself.**

 **Every chapter of this story, while adding to an overall arc, is going to follow a different "theme". This'll allow me to get a little more creative with the individual conflicts, and it'll let me write for new characters more often. First up? Tweek and Craig.**

 **Obviously.**

* * *

The sun rose over the Colorado Rockies, signaling the dawn of a new day in the quiet little mountain town of South Park. A fresh blanket of snow coated the ground. Winter was fast-approaching—not that it mattered, as South Park was basically covered in snow all of the time. The children of South Park, predictably, were all getting ready for school.

Craig Tucker was South Park's resident homosexual child. His homosexuality was one of the purest beacons of light in all of Park County. Everyone told him so constantly. Everyone looked up to him because of his homosexuality.

Craig knew, however, that with great homosexuality comes great responsibility, and right now, his homosexual responsibility was to get ready for school so that he could get a good homosexual education. He was almost ready—his gay clothes were on, his gay hat was pulled tight over his messy gay black hair, and his gay boots were sitting by the door, ready for a gay day at school.

His similarly homosexual boyfriend Tweek Tweak was likely waiting outside for him. They liked to walk to school together. It made Tweek feel safe, especially with all of the distracted drivers in South Park. With that thought in mind, he slipped his boots on and opened the door, on the other side of which, as predicted, Tweek was standing, looking slightly more stressed out than usual.

"Hey babe, what's going on?" Craig asked, his voice flat and emotionless as usual.

Tweek twitched. "Nngh! C-can I talk to you inside for a minute?"

"Sure, come on in," Craig replied, opening the door wide for his boyfriend. "What's up?"

Tweek entered the house and sighed. He remained silent for a minute. "I think somebody's following me."

Craig raised his eyebrows. "You're being followed?"

"There's this woman," Tweek explained, "kind of tall, wears a dress—totally barefoot. I've never seen her in town before."

"And you think she's stalking you."

"I know it sounds like I'm being paranoid," Tweek said, "but I saw her like nineteen times on the way to your house! It's stressing me out, man!"

Craig held out his hand. "Well, now you're with me. So if she's stalking you, she'll stop, if she knows what's good for her."

Tweek glanced down at Craig's hand, then back up at Craig's face, and closed his eyes. That did manage to calm him down a bit. Smiling slightly, he held Craig's hand. "Thanks, Craig."

"Now come on, we're gonna be late."

"Right."

Hand in hand, Tweek and Craig left Craig's house and started on their way to school. Immediately, Tweek's blood pressure shot up. "AGH!" he yelled.

"What? What is it?" Craig asked, shooting Tweek a concerned stare. Tweek pointed across the street, and Craig followed his gaze.

"That's her!" Tweek said in a hushed tone, pointing at a woman on the other end of the road, standing just in front of Heidi Turner's house. She was tall, wore a long flowing dress, was barefoot, and… had blue skin and hair.

"Well, that's new," Craig said dully. She was just… staring at them. "What the hell does she want?"

"I don't know!"

Suddenly, a car drove by, obscuring her from their view. When it passed, she was gone.

Craig glared and rolled his eyes. "Oh, great, she's the mysterious type."

"Nng!" Tweek twitched. "Are you shitting me right now?! What if she's a crazy psychopath who chops children up and steals their underwear to get off?!"

"Calm down, Tweek," Craig said reassuringly. "All we have to do is get to school and everything will be okay. But we can't do that if we're freaking out about it. Okay?"

"Right. Okay. Alright." Tweek and Craig continued on their way to school. As they passed Bebe Stevens' house, they once again saw the mysterious woman.

"God damn it," Craig muttered. "Just ignore her, Tweek, she's going to get bored of this eventually."

"O-okay."

Tweek and Craig moved a little faster now. They saw the woman a few more times—behind buildings, in crowds, hiding in trees—but largely ignored her. Tweek was starting to panic.

"Nngh! This is freaking me out, man!" Tweek yelled. He started running as he saw the woman yet again.

"Tweek. Tweek! Hold on!" Craig yelled, running after his boyfriend. They ran and ran, encountering the woman several more times, Tweek getting more and more freaked out with each encounter. They ran between houses, around people, through backyards. Finally, they made it to South Park Elementary—and she was waiting for them.

"AGH! Christ!" Tweek yelled as he skidded to a halt just before bumping into the mysterious lady. Craig ran in front of Tweek, short on breath and glaring at the lady.

"What's your fuckin' problem, lady?!" Craig yelled, suddenly losing his cool. "You've been following my boyfriend all morning, and you're starting to piss me off! If you're not gonna fuck off, then at LEAST tell me what your deal is!" he shouted. "Huh?! Spit it out! What do you want?!"

The woman was silent for a moment, her blank expression unmoving. Suddenly, she raised her eyebrows and spoke up. "I need relationship advice."

This caught Craig off-guard. "What?"

"A friend and I had a fight, and I took our barn and ran away to space, and I don't know if it was the right thing to do."

"You want relationship advice."

"She doesn't know I'm back on Earth yet," the woman sighed. "I wanted to make sure I knew EXACTLY what to do before I did it, so I've been wandering the planet, trying to find the humans most qualified to help. You and this kid seem to have it all figured out, so I thought you could help me."

Craig stared at the woman, his stare now becoming blank. Without saying another word, he grabbed Tweek's hand and led him into the school. The woman blinked.

"Kid? Hello?" Tweek and Craig ignored her. "Are you going to help me or not?" Still ignoring her, Tweek and Craig entered the school. "We aren't done talking, are we?" The woman glanced around as other kids poured into the school. One kid with a nasally voice approached her.

"Why is your hair blue? That's dumb," he said, before entering the building.

* * *

The entire student body of South Park Elementary gathered into the gym for an assembly that had been called by PC Principal and Vice Principal Strong Woman. Tweek and Craig sat down together near Jimmy Valmer and Token Black.

"Alright everyone, listen up," PC Principal said as everyone got settled in. "This week, South Park Elementary will be hosting a fundraiser for the Jerome McElroy Memorial Foundation, a non-profit charity organization which recruits world-class chefs to cook Christmas dinners for those who otherwise can't afford to enjoy the holidays, Kenny."

Kenny McCormick raised an eyebrow and glared at PC Principal.

"Here to explain a little more about this foundation, and how it will help Kenny's family, is Vice Principal Strong Woman." PC Principal stepped back and allowed Strong Woman to take the stage.

"Alright everyone, listen up," she addressed the student body. "The Jerome McElroy Foundation was created in part to honor the memory of the school's former Chef, whose tragic and untimely death left a mark on all who knew him. Chef believed that no child should go hungry, and always made sure that Kenny had a meal at lunch time, even when he couldn't afford it."

Kenny continued to glare at PC Principal and Strong Woman while they inadvertently ragged on him for being poor. Cartman wouldn't let him hear the end of it.

Tweek raised his eyebrows. "Hey, Craig. Did we get a new teacher or something?"

Craig looked at where Tweek was looking. "What? I don't see what you're—"

The blue woman was standing on the other side of the gymnasium, staring.

Craig glared. "God, damn it!"

"We all need to work together to— _Craig you shut your fuckin' mouth!"_ PC Principal shouted, glaring at Tweek and Craig. "If we're having a fucking issue I will remove you from this gymnasium!"

"Fuck you, dude!" Craig yelled back. "There's a strange woman in the building and she's freaking everyone out, maybe you should remove HER from the gym!"

PC Principal turned around to look at where Craig was pointing—but the woman was gone. He turned back around, now unbelievably pissed off. "Do you think this is funny?!"

"No, it's—" Craig let out a frustrated sigh. "She's gone now."

"That is a SERIOUS subject, not something to be joked about!" PC Principal lectured. "How would you like to go to the counselor's office?!"

"How would you like to suck my balls?"

"What did you say?!"

Craig stood up. "Oh, hold on, I'm sorry."

"What are you doing?" Tweek asked nervously as his boyfriend marched down the steps and walked towards PC Principal.

"What I meant to say was…" Craig began once he reached PC Principal. "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, PC PRINCIPAL?!" he shouted at the top of his lungs, totally losing control of his emotions.

Eric Cartman watched the scene unfold. "Wow. Dude, overkill much?"

* * *

Tweek and Craig sat in Mr. Mackey's office. Mackey glared at the two children, and although Craig had regained his usually stoic demeanor, he was still really pissed off. Mackey could tell. He's been dealing with Craig since the boy was in the third grade.

"What the hell was that, m'kay?" Mackey asked. "Why did you get up in front of all of your peers and ask PC Principal if he wanted to, m'kay, fellatiate your testicles?"

Craig sighed. "Well, Mr. Mackey, it wasn't an actual proposition, if that's what you're asking."

"Do you think this is funny? Do you two think, m'kay, that just because you're gay, you can tell tall tales and disrespect the faculty?"

"It wasn't a tall tale!" Tweek defended. "There really was a strange woman in the gymnasium!" He held Craig's hand as he told Mackey what he saw. "She was tall, and she had blue hair, and blue skin, and she wore a blue dress and was barefoot!"

"M'kay, and you expect me to believe that a six foot Smurf is walking around the school?" Mackey asked. "How dumb do you think I am?"

"Well, Mr. Mackey, she wasn't exactly six feet, I think she was actually five-nine or something," Craig corrected.

Tweek shook his head. "No way, dude, she was, like, five-eleven, at least."

"She was shorter than PC Principal, we know that much."

"But how tall is PC Principal?"

"Now I have heard enough of these stories!" Mr. Mackey interrupted. He glared between Tweek and Craig. What he didn't notice, however, was that the blue woman had returned. Tweek started to freak out once he saw that she was standing outside the window. "Do you two want to become the little gay boys who cried wolf? Because that's what you'll be if you keep this up, m'kay!"

"Nngh! Mr. Mackey!" Tweek tried to direct Mackey's attention to the window.

"Now I want you two to head on back to class and quit being so disruptive!" Mackey dismissed. "If I see you two in here again, I'll have to call your parents, m'kay?"

"Mr. Mackey, if you would just look out the window—" Craig tried to warn Mr. Mackey, but he wasn't having it.

"That is enough!" he scolded. "There isn't a predatory Smurf roaming the school!" Mackey glanced out the window. The woman was gone. "I don't want to hear another word about this, m'kay?"

"But—"

"M'kay?!"

Tweek and Craig stared at each other and sighed. "M'kay, Mr. Mackey," they said in unison, before standing up and leaving.

"This is bullshit," Craig muttered. "Mr. Mackey is such an asshole."

"Nngh!" Tweek twitched. "What if that woman keeps coming after us?!"

"Okay, great, we're alone," the woman said, having suddenly shown up at Tweek's side.

"AGH!" he shouted, jumping back and staring up at her. "Jesus! Leave us alone!"

"I think we got off on the wrong foot," the woman apologized. "My name is Lapis Lazuli. You have to help me."

"Nope. Not getting involved," Craig said. "Come on, Tweek, let's go."

"Please, I don't—I don't know how I'm going to face my friend!" Lapis Lazuli begged. "I don't know what to say to her. What she's going to say to me. What if I've hurt her so bad she refuses to talk to me?"

"Not our problem." Tweek and Craig approached their classrooms, where they unfortunately had to separate. "I'll see you at lunch, okay babe?" Craig said, trying to ignore Lapis Lazuli.

"Okay. See you then," Tweek replied. He entered Mr. Bart's fourth grade classroom, while Craig entered Ms. Nelson's.

Lapis stared at the rooms for a bit, before glaring. "Rats!"

The kid from earlier approached her. "Your hair's still blue, that's still dumb." He walked into Mr. Bart's classroom as well.

* * *

Eventually, lunch time arrived, and several of South Park Elementary's boys sat down together and ate their meals. Kenny glared at his packed lunch while Eric Cartman made fun of him.

"Hey everyone, look," Cartman pointed out. "Kenny brought lunch from home because he's too poor to afford school food." Cartman reached into the pathetic brown paper bag that Kenny called a lunch box and pulled out a ham sandwich. "This is all that's in it," he said. "Just two pieces of bread and some ham. What, your family couldn't afford cheese, Kenny?" Cartman then noticed how unusually long the bag was. "Kenny, this bag looks like it came from the liquor store on Fuller Street. Did you pack your lunch with your dad's beer bags, Kenny?"

Stan Marsh just stared at Cartman. "Cartman, you're on the reduced price meal program."

Cartman glanced down at his food, then up at Stan. "No, see, that's because I have special dietary needs because of my blood sugar."

"Uh huh. Okay."

Craig and Tweek approached the table with their lunches and sat down. "Hey guys," Craig greeted.

Stan ate a stale french fry and raised an eyebrow. "Hey, Craig. Tweek. What the hell was that about earlier?"

Craig rolled his eyes. "PC Principal's an asshole, that's what that was about."

"We saw this blue lady in the gym today!" Tweek exclaimed. "She's been following us all day. Didn't you guys see her?"

"Honestly, I just kind of tune these assemblies out now," Stan replied. "All I saw was you and PC Principal get into a screaming match."

"Look, it's behind us now, so let's just..." Craig trailed off as his eyes drifted to the cafeteria entrance. A very bored look came over his face.

Lapis was back.

Tweek groaned and put his face in his arms. "Not again," he muttered, his voice muffled.

"Doesn't this school have any security?" Craig asked nobody in particular.

Lapis walked over to the lunch table. "Hello there, children."

The kids all stared at her.

"How's it going?"

"Bad," Craig replied.

"Why bad?"

"Because you won't leave us alone." Craig crossed his arms. "See guys? This is exactly what I'm talking about. She keeps following us around and asking for relationship advice. What kind of advice am I supposed to give her? I'm NINE."

"Don't be ridiculous," Lapis dismissed. "You're way shorter than nine feet."

Craig shot Lapis a half-lidded glare. "Can't you just go away?"

"But I NEED your help!"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Hey, wait a second, haven't I seen you before?"

Butters Stotch smiled and waved. "Oh, heya, Lapis!"

"You guys know her?" Tweek asked.

"Sure we do!" Butters responded. "She helped us save the world one time! Everyone remember that?"

Stan snapped his fingers. "Oh, yeah! That's right, that was when Beach City was overrun by Member Berries and monsters, or something. Remember that one, guys?"

Jimmy Valmer shook his head. "I d-don't remember that one very much."

"No, you weren't there, Jimmy," Stan dismissed. "But Craig, you were… oh, wait, you weren't there."

"It was just us, dude," Cartman corrected. "You, me, Kenny, Butters, and—"

Kyle Broflovski finally arrived with his lunch. "Hey guys!" he greeted. Suddenly, everyone adopted a bored stare, like they didn't want to be talking to him.

"Oh, hey Kyle, what's going on?" Stan said, not making eye contact with Kyle.

Kyle noticed immediately that everybody seemed upset with him. "Uh… what are you guys up to?"

"Nothing, just talking to Lapis Lazuli," Stan said, giving an impatient sigh. Kyle looked up at Lapis, who waved.

"Okay, well… I just got the new Wolfenstein DLC. You guys wanna… come to my house and play it later?"

"A game about nuclear war?" Stan asked, glaring. "Really Kyle, you think that's appropriate right now?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Ugh." He left to go sit somewhere else. After he was gone for a moment, Stan looked back at everyone else.

"Nobody talk to him, okay? We're still pissed off at him."

"What did he do?" Lapis asked.

"He got the President to nuke Canada."

"Oh, I don't care about that." Lapis returned her attention to Tweek and Craig and sat down at the table. "So like I was saying, I need relationship advice—"

"Why are you sitting down?" Craig asked. "Why is she sitting down, guys?"

"We don't HAVE advice for you!" Tweek said, pulling on his hair. "Just go away, go bother somebody else!"

Craig stood up. "Lady, you need to go."

"But I—"

"Look, you want some advice?" Craig asked. "Here's our advice. Ask somebody else. SURELY there's somebody in South Park more qualified than US to help you."

Lapis glanced at Stan. "Stan?"

"Nope. Not touching that one with a ten-foot pole."

"Seriously, ask anyone, ANYONE else," Craig commanded. "Tweek and I aren't the only ones in a relationship. THEY'LL be able to help you."

Lapis wrote that piece of advice down in a notepad. "'Ask… somebody… else…'" She clicked her pen and smiled. "Alright, thanks guys!" Satisfied, Lapis left the building.

"Thank god that's over with," Craig muttered.

Tweek finally started to eat his food. "I hope she gets the help she needs."

"Oh, she'll be fine."

* * *

As soon as she set foot outside South Park Elementary, Lapis began her epic quest… to get relationship advice. The first door she knocked on was answered by a man she'd learned went by the name Mr. Slave.

"Hi there, Mr… uh, Slave," she greeted. "I need relationship advice and I'm going around town asking people. Can I come in?"

"Sure!" Mr. Slave allowed Lapis to enter. "You came to the right place. Big Gay Al and I have been married for twelve years, now!"

"Oh, great!" Lapis said. Craig was right. She DID find someone more qualified.

"Al, we have company! Jesus Christ."

The man who Lapis assumed to be Big Gay Al entered the living room. "Company? I haven't had time to tidy up, you big silly!" Big Gay Al sat down next to Mr. Slave and held out a hand. "Nice to meet you, Miss…?"

"Lapis Lazuli," Lapis said, shaking Big Gay Al's hand. "How are you today?"

"I'm super, thanks for asking!"

"Lapis Lazuli here wants relationship advice," Mr. Slave explained.

Lapis nodded, and explained her situation. Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave listened intently. When she finished her story, Mr. Slave nodded as well.

"Oh, Jesus, that really is quite the story," he said. "You know, Lapis, being in a relationship is a 50/50 deal."

"Really?"

"Absolutely, silly!" Big Gay Al agreed. "It sounds to me like you both hurt each other a lot. If you really want to make it work, you both have to put work into it, okay?"

"Yeah, that makes sense," Lapis said, writing the advice down. "So, now I have a question for Mr. Slave."

"Lay it on me."

"So I heard this rumor," Lapis began, "that you used to know the President. What caused that relationship to end?"

Mr. Slave's eyes widened. "Ooh, Jesus Christ," he muttered. "Listen, sister, you don't really want to go there."

"Why not?"

"Mr. Garrison is another animal entirely," Mr. Slave explained, now no longer making eye contact with Lapis. "Trust me, what I had with him, you do NOT want with this girl. I didn't even vote for him."

Lapis blinked. "Huh. When Peridot ran for Mayor, I didn't vote for her, either…" she muttered, thinking back to her friend's Mayoral campaign several months ago.

"Maybe that's a sign," Mr. Slave said. "I-I'm not touching that with a fifteen-foot pole."

"Well, I also didn't vote, period, because at the time I wasn't a citizen."

Big Gay Al sighed. "I'm sorry. Mr. Garrison is still a sore subject in this house."

"I understand. You two have been a big help, regardless." Lapis again shook their hands and stood up to leave.

"Lapis?" Big Gay Al said as Lapis raised her hand to the doorknob. She turned around. "Don't forget. If you both want to make it work, it will."

Lapis nodded. "Thank you." With that, she left, and crossed "Big Gay Al & Mr. Slave" off of her list of South Park residents to ask. "Alright, Lapis," she muttered to herself. "Time to get acquainted with the townspeople." Pen and paper in hand, she marched off to ask everyone in town. If her adventures were, say, sequenced into a montage for TV, she imagined the montage would have been set to "Queen of Hearts" by Juice Newton.

Lapis met with several different South Park residents. First, she visited Randy and Sharon Marsh. Sharon told her that even if your partner is a little more "eccentric" than most, you can still make it work if you try hard enough, which seemed to directly conflict with Al and Slave's advice that a relationship is 50/50.

Next, she met with Bebe Stevens' mom, who told her that she needed to rely on her looks act like a total whore so she could marry a rich guy. Lapis was confused, because she wasn't in a fight with Greg right now.

Also, she didn't think she was that pretty in the first place.

Next, she visited the Donovans. Roger explained that, before his wife died, they agreed to stay married because they didn't want to traumatize their son, Clyde, with a divorce. When Lapis asked how Betsy died, he said Clyde did it. This, of course, brought Lapis to the conclusion that Clyde was only half human, like Steven, and that his mother gave up her physical form to create him.

She went back to South Park Elementary, where she and PC Principal discussed the importance of affirmative consent. He then handed her a sample consent form, and told her she could photocopy it to use whenever she needed consent from a partner to "crush puss".

She visited so many South Park parents. The Stotches told her to just ignore her problems altogether. The Broflovskis told her to respect her partner's privacy. The Testaburgers seemed like the most 'normal' couple in South Park, besides Mr. Slave and Big Gay Al, but even they were unhelpful. Eventually, Lapis managed to acquire an old video tape of South Park Elementary's former Chef, and found that he, too, had an interesting posthumous bit of advice.

" _I'm gonna make love to you woman,"_ Chef sang. " _Gonna lay you down by the fire. And caress your womanly body, make ya moan and perspire."_

"'Make her moan and perspire…'" Lapis muttered as she wrote in her notebook. "...what does that mean?"

Finally, Lapis had visited everyone in South Park, with one exception. Now that school was out, the kids were all at home, so Lapis rang the doorbell of the Turner residence, where a little fourth-grade girl opened the door.

"Hi, are you Heidi Turner?" Lapis asked the little girl, who wore a cute little pink hat.

"I am. And you are?"

"I'm Lapis Lazuli," Lapis responded. "I've been going around South Park asking for relationship advice."

Heidi raised her eyebrows. "And you think I'd be able to help? I just got out of a bad relationship."

"You did?"

"Yeah, with Eric Cartman," Heidi explained. "What did you want to know?"

"Well, see, I had a falling out with a friend," Lapis explained. "I was afraid that our home planet was going to attack, so I wanted to leave Earth. But she decided to stay behind."

"So she didn't respect your feelings," Heidi said flatly.

"...well, I think that's an oversimplification of the—"

"Dump her."

"...what?"

Heidi closed her eyes. "If the relationship isn't working right now, it'll never work. You might as well save yourself the heartache and just let it go. I had to learn that the hard way."

"That seems… a bit extreme."

"If you'd dated Eric Cartman, you'd be an extremist, too."

"Okay, well, Peridot isn't like that—"

"Does she have a hair-trigger temper?" Heidi asked.

"Well, yeah, but—"

"Does she have a superiority complex?"

"Sometimes, but that's because—"

"Is she racist?"

"No, she's not—" _Oh, wait_ , Lapis remembered. _Pearl._ "She's a little racist."

"She's like Eric Cartman," Heidi concluded. "Glad I could settle this for you. Goodbye." She began to close the door, but Lapis held it open.

"You don't understand," Lapis said. "I think I—"

"You think you love her?" Heidi scoffed. "Yeah. I loved Eric Cartman, too. Doesn't mean he wasn't a toxic influence, and that doesn't mean she's actually what's best for you."

"Do you still love him?"

Heidi raised her eyebrows and glanced around. "I'm not touching that with a twenty-foot pole," she said quickly as she closed the door.

Lapis blinked. "Sheesh, THAT kid has some issues."

* * *

Tweak Bros. Coffee was bustling with customers, as it often was. School was over, and that meant Tweek had to be put to work to make sure his family's business wouldn't go under. Fortunately, these days he had help.

"Thanks for helping me out today, Craig," Tweek said, smiling. "Big Donut's about to open a franchise in Shi Tpa Town, so my parents are having me work twice as hard to keep up with the competition."

"It's no problem at all, Tweek," Craig said dully. He really did enjoy helping Tweek with his problems, even if his tone didn't really convey it. He knew Tweek knew that. "I'm going to go outside and see how many customers you guys are getting, okay? Stay right here and try not to stress out too much."

"Got it."

Craig peeked outside and surveyed the crowd. A lot of people needed coffee in the afternoon, it seemed. "Jesus Christ, that's a lot of people. We've got a lot of— _son of a bitch._ "

"What?"

"She's here."

Lapis Lazuli had entered Tweak Bros. Coffee, and she didn't look very happy. She marched up to Mr. Tweak.

"Good afternoon," he said. "Welcome to Tweak Bros. Coffee. Our coffee is all freshly brewed and—"

"Are Tweek and Craig here?" Lapis interrupted.

"Why sure, they're in the back," Mr. Tweak answered. "I see no problem in enclosing you in a small room with two nine year-olds, as you don't look like a priest, so I'll just show you to them."

"God damn it!" Craig yelled. "Your asshole dad is ratting us out."

"Aw, what does she want NOW?!" Tweek complained. He slammed his apron down angrily and marched over to the door, where he was greeted by Lapis Lazuli. "What?! We told you to go away, what the hell do you want?!"

"You told me that I could get help from ANYBODY in town besides you," Lapis moaned, "so I spoke to EVERYONE in South Park."

"Jesus, everyone?" Craig asked. "We thought you'd give up after, like, three of them."

"Well, I didn't, and all they did was make me even less sure of myself!" Lapis complained. "So I'm back to you. You're the ONLY ones who haven't given me advice."

"We don't WANT to give you advice!" Tweek yelled. "Jesus Christ, don't you ever quit? Dad! DAD!"

Mr. Tweak entered the room. "What is it, Tweek?"

"This lady's a psycho bitch!" Tweek yelled. "She's been following Craig and I around all day! I think she's a child molestor or something."

"Don't be ridiculous, Tweek," Mr. Tweak dismissed. "She's not even a priest, let alone a child molestor."

"I don't know what he's talking about," Lapis argued.

"See? She doesn't even know what a child molestor IS," Mr. Tweak explained. "If she says so, it must be true. Why would a child molestor lie about being a child molestor? Innocent until proven guilty, Tweek."

Tweek stopped twitching and simply glared at his father.

"Now I want you to stop making things up about strangers," Mr. Tweak continued. "You don't want to be like the little gay boy who cried wolf, do you?"

"I'm not CRYING WOLF!" Tweek yelled. "This woman is a stalker! Nngh!" he marched past his father and exited the room. Craig looked on in concern and followed.

"Tweek. Tweek, wait!"

Craig exited Tweak Bros. Coffee and looked around for his boyfriend. He saw Tweek walking down the street, in the direction of the movie theater, although he continued past it. Craig followed.

"Tweek, hold on! You need to calm down!"

"I CAN'T calm down, Craig!" Tweek said, turning around and yelling. "As long as Lapis Lazuli keeps bugging us, I just CAN'T calm down!" He turned back and crossed the road.

Lapis left the coffee shop. She looked around for Tweek and Craig, and saw Tweek crossing the road. Just ahead…

A man and his wife were driving down the road. The woman was looking at Twitter on her phone. "Oh boy, the President's been tweeting again," she muttered.

"Let me see!" her husband yelled excitedly, taking his eyes completely off of the road to read the tweet.

 _Those beady-eyes igloo-dwellers don't scare me. Justin Trudeau probably does coke like the mayor of Toronto did. Blame Canada!_

The woman looked up briefly, and her eyes widened. "INNOCENT CHILD!" she shouted.

Tweek looked up and saw the car approach him. He barely had time to react—that car was going to kill him in less than a second and there was nowhere to run. He didn't even have time to register it as a threat—just something he saw.

"TWEEK!" Craig yelled, horrified. Suddenly, he saw a flash of blue—something had flown past him, quick. Tweek was pulled away from the street, just before the car collided with his face.

"AGH!" he yelled. "Jesus Christ, what's going on?!" He rolled into the snow nearby, and realized that he was being held. He looked up.

Lapis Lazuli was cradling him protectively, looking back down at him. "Are you okay?" she asked, a look of genuine concern in her eyes.

Tweek started to calm down. He looked across the road. Craig looked so relieved—he looked like he was trying to hide tears by wiping them away. He looked over at the car that nearly hit him. His would-be killers had braked, hard, and stepped out of the car.

"Kid!" the man yelled. "Kid, are you okay?!"

"Y-yeah…" Tweek muttered. He looked back up at Lapis. "Thanks…"

Upon verifying Tweek was okay, Lapis put him down and stood back up. Craig crossed the street and approached them.

"Tweek." He said, a tinge of fear in his usually flat voice. "Don't ever scare me like that again. Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine, Craig," Tweek said, standing up. "Thanks to…"

Lapis was starting to walk away. Where was she going? Craig yelled after her. "Hey! Lapis Lazuli!"

"I'm sorry for bothering you," Lapis muttered without turning around. "That seems to be what I'm good at. You don't have to tell me again. I'm leaving now."

"Wait!" Craig yelled. "Hold on. I have something to say to you."

Lapis turned around slightly as Craig approached her. "What?"

"Thank you for saving Tweek," Craig said. "If I'd lost him, I don't know what I'd do."

"You don't sound sincere."

"I don't do sincere-sounding. I'm Craig. But I AM thankful." Tweek approached Craig's side, and they held hands. "Tweek's one of the only people in South Park I feel like I can trust. He's the only one I care about."

"Huh. Sounds familiar," Lapis muttered. "Anyway. Later."

"Wait, I'm not done," Craig said. "We can't help you with your relationship problems. But it's not because we don't want to. The truth is, nobody can help you."

"So I'm blown?" Lapis asked.

"No, you aren't blown," Craig argued. "The reason nobody can help you is because… We can't handle your relationship dramas FOR you," he explained. "That's up to you, and the other girl. Every relationship is different, and what works for us might not work for you, because you're a different person than Tweek or I. It's up to YOU to learn how to deal with it, because at the end of the day, your experiences are what will help you become a better person—not hearing about other people's experiences.

"Everyone in South Park has a different story going on, and only THEY can influence those stories. The same thing applies to you. Does that make sense?" Craig asked.

Lapis thought about it for a bit. That DID make sense. All this time, she was relying on other people to help her, but she never even tried to help herself. Craig was wrong on one front, though. He claimed that nobody could help her but herself. That was wrong. Tweek and Craig DID help her, just now—not in the way she'd asked or expected, but in the way she needed.

Lapis smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Craig. And thank you, Tweek. You've given me a lot to think about."

"So are you going to go back to her?" Tweek asked.

"...no. I know now that I need to help myself… But I don't know HOW to help myself, yet." Lapis pondered for a moment before shaking her head. "I'll figure it out, somehow. But until then, I can't face her." Despite her bleak words, Lapis continued to smile. "But I will eventually, thanks to you. Goodbye, Tweek and Craig. I need to be off, now."

"I hope you can work things out," Tweek said, smiling. "Good luck, Lapis Lazuli."

Lapis flared her water wings, which surprised Tweek and Craig. She turned around one more time, smiled, waved, and flew off. Tweek and Craig stared up at the sky, trying to process what the hell just happened.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Craig muttered.

"Did you know she could fly? I didn't know she could fly," Tweek said.

"Fuck this," Craig said, shaking his head. "Let's just go play the new Wolfenstein DLC."


	2. Chapter 2: Winter White House

Peridot sat in Steven's bathtub, listening to sad country music on her tablet. It was sort of her thing now, after her life went to shit. Steven and Amethyst showed her that it wasn't all so bad, but some days she just… couldn't do anything. Since Lapis left, Peridot found herself having more bad days than normal. Some days, she couldn't get out of the bathtub. Some days, she didn't want to leave the house. Some days, she felt like the walls were all closing in on her and everyone hated her. Some days, she just plain felt worthless. Today was one of those days. Yesterday, she was just fine. Today, she wasn't.

She knew that those days were just facts of life at that point, and that most of it was in her mind—Peridot was so great and lovable, who on EARTH could possibly hate her—but that didn't make it any more bearable. She still hated herself for feeling this way.

But she couldn't afford to be such a downer right now—she had company!

"'Member the barn?" one small berry chirped.

"Oh, I 'member the barn, I loved the barn!" another 'membered fondly. "Hey, hey, 'member shipping Lapidot on Tumblr?"

Peridot raised a Member Berry to her mouth. "Yeaaaah, I 'member that," she hummed, chewing on the berry as nostalgia clouded her mind.

Peridot heard a knock on the door. "Peridot?" Steven said from the other side. "Are you okay?"

"Go away Steven, I'm 'membering."

Steven entered the bathroom and glanced at the several Member Berries around the bathroom. Peridot was strung out. "You know Peridot, you shouldn't be eating Member Berries, that stuff is really bad for you."

"I don't have a problem. I can quit when I want."

There was a knock at the front door. Steven glanced out the bathroom. "I'm gonna go get that. When I come back, we're getting rid of these Member Berries, okay?"

"Mmkay."

Steven approached the front door and opened it—and was shocked to see the Rubies standing there. Army, Navy, Leggy, and Doc. All of them except for Eyeball.

Navy cleared her throat. "Ahem. Greetings, good sir!" she chirped merrily. "It has been brought to our attention that you may have acquired a potentially defective Peridot, which was sold to you between March and June of 2015. We're so sorry about that!"

Steven glared. "Peridot isn't defective and we didn't BUY her."

"In any case, the manufacturers are issuing a MANDATORY recall of all Peridots with serial numbers between 8-774663-9 and 8-774886-9, and we believe the Peridot you were sold is within that range."

Steven blinked. "We aren't returning her."

"Are you sure, sir? If you don't, you may be voiding your warranty and may not receive any support if—" Steven slammed the door and returned to the bathroom.

"Okay Peridot. It's serious Steven time. Get dressed. We're going out."

"'Member when Steven Universe wasn't such a self-righteous asshole war criminal who preached friendship lessons out the butt?" one of the Member Berries chirped enthusiastically. The room erupted into cheers of "I 'member!"s and "'member that?"s.

"'Member Net Neutrality?" Steven replied, unamused by the talking grapes, which proceeded to explode, leaving Steven and Peridot completely alone and soaked in nostalgia juice. "Get cleaned up, Peridot. You need to get out of the house."

"I'd rather not."

"We are going to have MANDATORY Steven/Peridot bonding time. This isn't up for debate. Get dressed."

Peridot glanced down at herself. "I'm already dressed."

"Dress in something OTHER than your jumpsuit. Don't you ever take that thing off?"

"I'm scared to. I have no idea what's underneath it."

"Two dots and a double-you. Probably."

Peridot got up and brushed the 'Member juice off of her body. "Alright. Fine. I'll put on something… presentable. I'm a mess."

"It's okay to be a mess sometimes, but you've consistently been a mess since Puerto Rico."

Peridot crossed her arms. "I almost wish I was back in Puerto Rico. At least there I knew what I was up against."

"What do you mean by that?" Steven asked, tilting his head.

"N-nothing," Peridot said, shaking her head. The last few months have been a wild ride. Over the summer, she'd challenged Mayor Dewey in the election—and won. As mayor, she proceeded to get diddly-squat done, and her only meaningful act had been to get a news reporter arrested after he tried to kill her.

Oh, and Puerto Rico was a state now, but that didn't really matter as much to her.

After the shit hit the fan and Peridot resigned—and after Former Mayor Dewey lost the special election against yet another anti-establishment challenger—Peridot was contacted by her superiors on Homeworld for the first time since she'd called Yellow Diamond a clod. They gave her a new task—run against President Garrison in 2020 and become their new puppet on Earth, or face complete and utter destruction. Peridot tried to figure out what the odds were that they were bluffing—50/50 odds weren't good odds, at least not in her mind.

She hadn't told anybody about what Yellow Diamond asked her to do. She didn't want anybody to worry about it until November 3rd, 2020, when Peridot has inexplicably won electoral votes from 30 of the 51 United States of America, along with the District of Columbia.

Even right now, Peridot was desperately searching for ways to throw the election. It wasn't TOTALLY impossible, Hillary Clinton had managed to lose spectacularly last time despite having literally every advantage. Perhaps, if Mr. Garrison got his shit together and dealt with the humanitarian crisis, he could swipe Puerto Rico's 5 electoral votes from Peridot… Florida was always a close state, so maybe if just one or two people abstained from voting…

Wait. Shit. A Democrat just won a special Senate election in Alabama, like, a week ago. That meant that it was at least somewhat possible for Mr. Garrison to lose even the states where he was most popular in 2020, even if only by a small margin. Damn this winner-take-all electoral college system...

"Peridot?" Steven interrupted Peridot's internal plotting. "You're just kind of staring off into space right now."

"I'm just… uh… thinking about the future," Peridot said. That was TECHNICALLY true. "Say, Steven, random question."

"Lay it on me."

"What exactly would the President have to do to earn back all those voters he lost?"

Steven shrugged. "Let's see… Bring peace to the Middle East, bring Democracy to North Korea, solve the humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico, uh… Probably get off of Twitter? I mean, he DID nuke Canada, a LOT of people are peeved about that." Steven tilted his head quizzically. "Why?"

"Oh, you know, it's just…" Peridot glanced around nervously. "Herbert's a very dear friend of mine, I hate to see him doing so poorly in the polls."

"I thought you hated him?"

"Steven, Steven, I don't have to AGREE with somebody on ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING to like them!" Peridot said, placing a hand on Steven's shoulder. "That's called an echo chamber and it's toxic."

"But you don't agree with him on absolutely ANYTHING." Steven pulled out his phone to prove a point. "When you were running for Mayor, you got on Twitter and said… 'President Garrison has a thing for puppets. Is that why he became one?'"

"Well, that—"

"To which he responded, 'Suck a turd, retard, you're a gay leprechaun.'" Steven scrolled down. "He also said you eat babies, and then when people called him out on it he challenged you to prove him wrong, which you did by releasing a 5-minute video on YouTube where you held a baby in total silence. And then he claimed you ate the baby off-camera anyway."

"That's just… friendly teasing!" Peridot excused. "We do it all the time on Homeworld. You wouldn't get it, you're not even a century old, when you're older I'll take you to my old Kindergarten."

"What, on Homeworld?" Steven pondered the thought. "Do you think we'll be able to go to Homeworld one day without somebody trying to kill us?"

Peridot sighed. "Yeah, you know what, don't count on it," Peridot muttered under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. God, I hope Lapis is handling everything better than I am."

There was another knock at the door. Steven left to go answer it—and raised an eyebrow at the man at the other side.

"Mr. President?" Steven said, mildly surprised that the President was standing right in front of him.

Garrison stood opposite Steven, displaying his best stank face. "Hey, uh, can I crash at your place for a while?" he asked. "Things aren't really working out at the White House, I need to get away for a while."

Steven blinked. "You… want to stay at the temple?"

"Thanks!" Garrison said, smiling as he walked past Steven. "It sure is great to be a Crystal Gem." Garrison sat down at the couch and kicked his shoes off, immediately making himself at home by reclining and putting his feet up on the table.

"You're a Crystal Gem?" Steven asked, tilting his head.

"Oh, hell yeah, ALL of the Presidents are Crystal Gems," Mr. Garrison replied. "Did you know that your mom gave Bill Clinton a blowjob in office?"

"Eugh," Steven groaned, trying to clear his mind of that mental image. Knowing that Rose Quartz was a literal war criminal was bad enough, he really didn't need this right now. "Listen, Mr. President, I don't know if it's really a good idea to have you here right now. If Canada finds out you're in Beach City…"

Mr. Garrison sat up. "Now hold on, hold on!" He stood up and walked over to Steven. "It's only for a little while. You won't even know I'm here!"

"I don't know…"

Garrison knelt down and put a hand on Steven's shoulder. "Steven, I promise, I'll try as hard as possible to NOT be a nuisance. Okay? You'd be doing America a great service by letting the President crash on your couch."

Steven sighed. "Alright, Mr. President. You can stay here."

"Well alright!" Garrison said, smiling as he returned to the couch. "I knew I could count on you."

"But- but only for a few days!" Steven added. "The Crystal Gems are on a mission right now. I don't think they'll be back for a few days, but you have to be gone by then. Okay?"

"Sure, sure, whatever you say, kid."

Peridot walked out into the living room, now donning a bow tie, something she felt was an acceptable compromise for getting changed, which she still refused to do on account of she still had no idea what was actually underneath her clothes. "Alright, Steven, I'm ready. Where are we going?"

"Well, nowhere, now."

"What? Why not?" Peridot glanced over at Mr. Garrison, who was casually reclining on the couch. She frowned. "Oh, jeeeeez."

"'Sup, gay leprechaun?"

"The President is going to be staying with us for a few days," Steven said. He laughed nervously, his eyes darting back. "Well, uh, I need to go to the store. The President probably has a… A Presidential appetite! Haha… Ha…" Steven put his hand on the back of his neck. "Peridot, why don't you keep him company? I'll be right back." Steven stepped out.

"Did he just call me fat?" Garrison asked, slightly offended. "What a fuckin' hypocrite. You don't think I'm fat, do you?"

Peridot didn't answer. She had questions of her own. She paused, looking for the right words. "Why did you nuke Canada?"

Garrison raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"You dropped a five-megaton thermonuclear bomb on Toronto. Why?"

The President shrugged. "Millennials Against Canada turned me on to the idea." He paused for a minute before adding, "I mean that literally. I got hard thinking about it."

"Millions of people…"

"Oh, here we go with the guilt trip."

"Millions of people are going to vote for me over you because of that…"

That caught Garrison off-guard. "Wait, what?"

"You actually had a shot at beating me in 2020," Peridot muttered. "But then you nuked Canada. Now I'm going to be President."

"Now hold on just a second!" Garrison interrupted Peridot. He sat back up and glared at her. "Millions of people DIED, Peridot. Toronto is totally wiped off the map. The international implications of what I did are HUGE. The country is facing WAR with the Canadians for the first time since the Clinton Administration. Millions more WILL die." Peridot looked back up at the President, who looked horrified. "And your concern… is that you're going to get elected President?"

Peridot shrugged. "That was the only thing you just listed that was at least somewhat under my own control."

Garrison blinked. "Jeez, your dangerous narcissism makes ME look like Butters." He blinked again. "W-wait! You're going to run against me in 2020?"

Peridot's eyes widened. "U-uh, no!"

"Yes, you are!" Garrison's mouth was agape. "You just said you were!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!" Garrison grinned. "Oh, this is fan-fuckin'-tastic! I just have to deal with this shit for three more years, then you can clean up my mess and I can go back to teaching!"

"Mr. President, I can–" Peridot began to explain, before stopping herself. "...wait. You… don't want to get re-elected?"

"Hell no I don't want to get re-elected, are you kidding me?!" Garrison yelled. "I've spent the last six months trying to get impeached!"

"Then why are you going to run?!"

"Because, dumbass!" Garrison chided. "By the time I realized I didn't want to be President anymore, I had already started campaigning!" He began to list the steps he had taken to re-election on his fingertips. "I've held rallies, blasted potential opponents on Twitter, bragged about how I would win again if Hillary Clinton ever tried to run again! Peridot, the day I took office, I filed forms with the FEC signaling my intent to run! No President has EVER done that shit before! If I don't run, or if I resign, I'll look like a huge jackass!" The President pointed an accusatory finger at Peridot. "If YOU don't want to be President, why are YOU running?"

"My home planet is forcing me to run!" Peridot yelled back. "They want me to help them restart their Kindergarten operation on Earth and said if I don't they'll just blow up the planet anyway and there's only, like, a fifty percent chance they're bluffing!"

"Oh man, this is great!" Garrison said, smiling as he turned away and paced the room. "I am gonna have so much fun throwing the election!"

Peridot's eyes widened. "NO!"

* * *

Steven walked down an aisle in Whole Foods, looking for something he could use to make a nutritious meal fit for a President. "Hmmm…" he hummed. "Maybe he'd like a nice salad…"

Nearby, three gentlemen in suits sat at a table, awaiting their coffee. Their faces were obscured by newspapers they'd been reading. One lowered his paper, revealing his balding head and face. He wore reading glasses over his beady eyes, and his flappy head immediately told anyone who cared to notice his heritage—this man, and his two associates, were Canadian.

"There he is," the lead Canadian muttered. "That's our guy." He and his two colleagues stood up and approached Steven, who was admiring a bag of croutons.

"Hmm… does anyone even actually like croutons?" Steven wondered. Suddenly, he became acutely aware of the three pairs of beady eyes staring at him. Steven turned around and nearly jumped when he realized he was surrounded by three Canadian men. "AH!"

"Lovely weather we're having," the lead Canadian said immediately. "Eh, buddy?"

"Uh, y-yeah…" Steven replied, sweating. Why were these guys so close to him?

The lead Canadian inspected his shopping basket. "Lots of good stuff in there, friend," he said.

"Yeah. Uh, I'm cooking for a… friend."

The man narrowed his eyes. "This is enough food for a feast. What's all that aboot?"

"My friend has a big appetite."

"A… Presidential appetite, you might say?"

Steven's eyes widened. "Uh, yeah, that's… it sure is going to be a big meal!" These men were looking for the President! If these Canadians found out he was hiding Garrison… "A-anyway, my friend is waiting for me, so I really should—"

"What's the big hurry, guy?" one of the other Canadians said, stepping in front of Steven. "Why don't we sit down and have a nice little chat? It's fuckin' rude to walk aboot while someone's talking to you."

"I'm not walking 'about'," Steven said, stressing that last word. "I just, uh, really need to get back. He's impatient."

The lead Canadian narrowed his eyes once again. "Alright," he said. "We wouldn't want you to be late. Don't be a stranger, friend."

"Th-thanks… buddy..." Thoroughly perturbed, Steven made his way through the checkout line, paid for his groceries, and left. The lead Canadian turned to his associates.

"Follow him. I want to see where this asshole goes." His associates nodded, and followed Steven out the door.

Steven walked down the road. It was getting dark out, and Whole Foods was on the other side of town from the temple, so he decided to move along a little faster. Cars drove past as Steven made his way down the sidewalk. One, he noticed, was one which he'd seen while Peridot was running for Mayor, and adorned on it were new bumper stickers which covered the old ones, which previously endorsed her.

 _Lock Her Up!_

 _Have Buyer's Remorse?_

 _Follow PeridotRegrets on Twitter!_

Steven sighed. He did follow the PeridotRegrets Twitter account, back when it was first started shortly after the election. Some of the people who posted to it probably wanted to kill her. It sure was a good thing she'd resigned— wait, what was that?

Steven turned. He saw something out of the corner of his eye. Someone. Watching. Steven scanned the area. Nothing. A worried look appeared on his face as he continued walking. More movement. Steven turned again. This time, he saw somebody dart into the shadows.

"H-hello?" he called out into the darkness. "Is anyone there?" No answer. Realizing he was being followed, Steven started walking again, his pace brisker this time. More movement. He turned his head just in time to see a Canadian man move behind a nearby car. His eyes widened. He started to move faster. Another Canadian, this time on a rooftop. Another one across the street. They were all watching him. Nowhere was safe. Steven started jogging. A car nearby had two Canadians in it. He ran the other way. Canadians everywhere! This was it. Steven was about to meet his maker. Nowhere to run. Canadians! A car pulled out in front of Steven.

"AH!" he yelled as the car skidded to a stop, just short of hitting him. He fell to the ground and covered his face.

* * *

Peridot tried to wrestle Garrison's phone from his hands. "Give me that!" she yelled. "You are not sending another tweet!"

Garrison struggled to type as Peridot jumped over him to try and grab his phone. "'Blame… Canada'... send!" Peridot heard a "woosh" noise escape the commander-in-chief's phone, signaling that the Tweet was sent out. Suddenly, the phone began letting out dozens of alert tones. "Ooh! Look at all of these angry responses from blue checkmarks! Sounds to me like my approval rating's dropping!"

"WHY?!" Peridot shouted. "Why are you doing this?!"

"Ssh, shh, quiet," Garrison hushed. "The Prime Minister of China's on the phone. Yes, hello, Premier Li?" The President paused, and Peridot stared at him, anticipating his next words. Suddenly, Garrison began to shout. "Fuck you, Li! Your nose looks like the front-end of a Volkswagen Beetle!" The honorable 45th and current President of the United States of America then held his phone to his ass and started farting, much to Peridot's shock and horror. He hung up after this and threw his phone onto the couch. "That oughta do it."

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! The media's going to tear you apart when they hear about this!"

"Ooh, jeez, did I do that?"

Peridot turned away and clutched her head. It was over. Garrison was going to completely blow his re-election bid and thrust Peridot into the Oval Office. They might as well call her President-Elect Peridot now. How on Earth was she going to be able to suck harder than him?

Peridot turned back to Garrison, tears filling her eyes. "Can't you at least TRY to do a good job? I don't want to have to clean up your mess…"

"That sounds like a tall order, Peridot," Garrison hummed. "I don't know if I'll be able to fix everything in time. If I did, my approval rating would shoot up, but…"

Peridot realized something. She slowly stared up at the President. "Say that again."

"If I fixed everything I broke, people would like me again. Sure is too bad I can't fix it, huh?"

The green gem wiped the tears from her eyes and glanced around the room. She eyed a globe that Steven kept on the kitchen counter. Suddenly, a look of determination replaced her fearful look. "Maybe you can't. But I can."

Garrison frowned. "Wuh, what? What do you mean?"

"I'm going to fix your messes…" Peridot said, still staring at the globe. "I'm going to bring peace to the Middle East, bring Democracy to North Korea, and solve the humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico." The Gem turned to face the President. "I'm going to do all of that, and more. DURING your term. And I'll give YOU credit for it."

Garrison's mouth was slightly agape. "No you won't."

"I will."

"You wouldn't DARE!"

"I would!" Peridot yelled. "Let's do it, peace in the Middle East! I will PERSONALLY dismantle ISIS and let YOU reap the rewards!"

"Peridot, so help me, if you move my approval ratings up even an INCH, you will regret it!"

"TRY ME!" Peridot yelled again. "By the end of 2018, Everyone's going to LOVE you!" She pulled out her phone.

"What are you doing?" No answer. "Peridot, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Signing in to your Twitter account. I know your password."

Garrison stood up. "Peridot. Put that phone down."

"'I deeply… apologize…'"

"Put it down, NOW."

"'...for the horrible… things… I said…'"

"Peridot."

"'...about… Canadians…'" Peridot glared up at the President.

"I'm warning you," Garrison growled. Peridot glanced at her phone, then back at Garrison. "Don't post that." Peridot looked back at her phone. "Don't you post that. Don't–" Peridot hit "send". She gave Garrison a satisfied, cat-like smirk and narrowed her eyes.

"Glad to see you've matured, Mr. President," she mocked.

"YOU SKANK!" Garrison yelled. "I'll kill you!" Peridot's eyes widened as the President tackled her.

* * *

"Please, don't hurt me! I love Canada, I swear, my dad owns all of Bryan Adams' CDs!" Steven continued to cower in the car's headlights.

Two figures stepped out of the car and approached Steven. Steven looked up, still shaking, and realized whose car had almost hit him.

This was the Pizzas' car.

He looked up at the people that had approached him. He'd never been so glad to see Jenny Pizza and Buck Dewey before, although Jenny looked slightly annoyed.

"Steven," she said. "What are you doing sitting in the middle of the road like that? We almost hit you!"

Steven looked around. No more Canadians. Laughing nervously, he stood up. "Haha, uh, technically you almost hit me first."

"You ran in front of my car," Jenny replied. "You're lucky I ignored Sour Cream when he tried to show me all that stuff on Twitter, or I wouldn't have seen you in time!"

Steven glanced slightly past Jenny and Buck, and saw that Sour Cream was sitting in the car's back seat, staring at his phone.

"The President's been tweeting some weird stuff," Sour Cream muttered.

 _The President._ "Yeah, sorry about that," Steven said. "I, uh, don't know what I was thinking. Haha."

Jenny raised an eyebrow. "Steven, is something the matter?"

"Well, uh—" Steven glanced over at a nearby parked car, and widened his eyes when he noticed the square tires and simplistic body design. That car was Canadian. "Actually, yeah. Can you give me a ride home? I'll tell you on the way."

Jenny raised her eyebrows, almost as if she was trying to think about something. She smiled, however, and nodded. "Hop in."

Steven got into the car, sitting next to Sour Cream, who was still reading the President's tweets. "Man, check this out. The President just apologized for all of the super lame stuff he said about Canadians."

Jenny laughed. "Hah! Who wrote that tweet for him, his damage control lawyer?"

Steven furrowed his brow. That was impossible. The President was back at the temple, with…

Peridot.

Steven gasped. "Jenny, I'm sorry, I need you to step on it!"

"What?"

"I need to get back to the Temple!"

"What's going on?" Jenny asked. "You've been acting weird."

"I left the President all alone with Peridot!" Steven said.

"THE PRESIDENT?!" every other inhabitant of the car shouted simultaneously.

"Steven, do you know how serious this is?!" Jenny said, looking back. "If Canada finds out the President is in Beach City–"

"I didn't know what else to do!" Steven complained. "He just showed up, and before I could say no, he was already crashing on my couch!"

Buck blinked. "You know the President? Personally?"

Steven groaned. "It's a long story. He helped the Crystal Gems stop Steve Bannon from launching a fantastic nuke last spring, and then after Peridot ran for Mayor, he tried to keep in touch, and when Peridot resigned, I thought that was the end of it. But no! The President keeps trying to worm his way into our lives, for some reason!"

"Steven, you need to take a stand!" Jenny encouraged. "Learn how to say 'no'! Just because you knew the President in the past doesn't mean he has to keep being a part of your life!"

Sour Cream nodded. "Yeah. Steven, the President has taken ahold of your life. It's like he's on your mind 24/7."

Steven slouched in his seat. "It's hard for him not to be. Every time he does or says something dumb, or bombs a country, it's just… Everywhere."

The group came to a stoplight. Jenny looked down. "Maybe we're all a little obsessed with the President…" she muttered.

Steven sighed. "That's not even my biggest problem right now. I think I'm being followed."

Jenny turned back around, staring inquisitively at Steven. "Who's following you?"

"Some Canadian guys," Steven said. "I bumped into them at Whole Foods. I think they know I know the President, or something."

Jenny looked back at the road. The light was still red. She sighed. "Jeez, we really are in trouble…" she muttered.

"Uh. Guys," Sour Cream interrupted her train of thought. "We're in a lot of trouble."

Everyone looked to where he pointed. Parked right next to them, in the other lane, was a black car full of Canadians.

"AH! That's them!" Steven yelled. "Floor it!"

The light turned green. Jenny floored it. The Canadians followed. Jenny looked at her rear view mirror and adopted a determined glare. "Is everyone buckled up?" she asked.

Sour Cream glanced down at his seatbelt, which was undone. "Uh–"

"Too late!" Jenny yelled, before taking a sharp turn, surprising everyone—but especially Sour Cream.

"What are you doing?" Steven asked, once his stomach settled. "The Temple's that way!"

"I'm not leading these beady-eyed nobodies to the President!" Jenny sassed. "We need to lose them, first!"

Steven raised his eyebrows and looked back at the Canadians, who were still following. "Right!"

Jenny sped up, accelerating well past the speed limit in an effort to ditch the beady-eyed nobodies. She swerved, drifted, and turned, trying to put as much distance between her car and the Canadians'. Steven couldn't believe the car was even capable of half of this stuff. Unfortunately, so were their flappy-headed pursuers.

"They're not slowing down…" Steven said, worry in his voice. "We need to—"

"Jenny, up ahead!" Sour Cream said. Jenny looked up at the upcoming stoplight. It was yellow. Still glaring forward, Jenny stepped on the gas. The light turned red right as she blasted through the intersection. Steven turned around again just in time to watch the Canadians get t-boned by an oncoming vehicle.

"Ooh!" Steven winced, shielding his eyes from the wreck. "I hope they're okay."

It was at that point that Steven realized it was Kevin who just hit the Canadians. Kevin stepped out of his car, a look of pure frustration on his face, which even Steven had to admit was pretty funny. The Canadians stepped out of their car as well, and Steven was able to fully celebrate his victory, knowing nobody was hurt too badly.

"Phew," he sighed, relaxing in his seat. "That was close."

Once some distance was put between them and the wreck, Jenny parked the car on the shoulder and started to relax a bit herself. "Is everyone okay?"

Sour Cream has been knocked to the floor during one of the turns. Nonetheless, he held a thumb up, to confirm he was okay.

Steven looked around. "Where are we?"

"Ten minutes out from Ocean Town," Buck said, staring at the maps app on his phone. "Beach City's back that way."

Steven sighed. "Okay. We need to get back. The President's still at the Temple."

Sour Cream blinked. "Didn't you tell us before that the leprechaun living in your bathroom hates the President?

* * *

Peridot and Garrison rolled around the room, fighting for control of The President's Twitter. Peridot threw a punch, knocking his glasses off. Garrison's mouth was agape.

"You can't hit me! I'm the President!"

Peridot blinked. "I- I can hit you as Mr. Garrison, though, right? I just can't hit you as the President." Peridot stared off at nothing in particular. "Hey, if anyone's watching or listening, I am NOT fighting the President. I'm fighting a sexually confused school teacher from Colorado-" Garrison punched Peridot back, catching her off-guard. "Ow! You clod!"

The two wrestled for a moment, both becoming bruised from the fight. "The Secret Service is gonna have a field day with this one!" Garrison yelled. "I sure hope this doesn't get published on the Internet, because whoever did that would be in a lot of trouble!"

"Who are you talking to?" Peridot yelled back.

"Nobody, I'm just really hoping nobody's doing any satirical takes on fighting the President right now!"

The fight progressed. Garrison's shirt became undone, exposing his gross old man chest. Garrison punched Peridot in the face, sending her visor flying. "HEY! You clod! Nobody's ever seen me without that on!"

By the end of the fight, Peridot was on top, holding both of their phones high above her head. "AHA! I am victorious!"

Steven entered the temple. "Okay. That took a little longer than I thought, but I—HOLY SMOKES!" he shouted, averting his eyes. "Jeez! I-is that even legal?!"

Peridot looked over at Steven, and smiled. "Oh, hey Steven! What's so…" she looked down. She was basically straddling the President. This probably looked very bad. "Oh. No, Steven, it's not—"

"Listen, I know you miss Lapis," Steven said, still keeping his gaze away. "But this is… You could do a LOT better!"

"It's not at ALL what it looks like," Peridot excused. "We were just wrestling!"

"Ugh… I need to go wash my eyeballs…"

Peridot and Mr. Garrison stood up as Steven made his way to the bathroom. The door slammed shut, and they glanced at each other.

"Jeez, he doesn't sound very happy," Garrison muttered.

Steven splashed water in his face and looked at his reflection in the mirror. The President really had to go. Now that he'd started some sordid love affair with Peridot, Steven was more sure of it. Once he was done in here, Steven was going to go tell Mr. Garrison to get lost.

There was a knock at the door. "Steven?" Steven heard Peridot's voice from the other end. "Are you decent? I would like to come inside."

"Entre," Steven said. Peridot opened the door. She was re-applying her visor and smoothing out her hair. "Peridot, he's not right for you."

"I wasn't engaging in intercourse with the President," Peridot said, crossing her arms. "Human sexuality is totally bizarre to me anyways, I don't think I'd gain much from it."

"Then what were you doing?"

"Fighting." She leaned against the wall. "I lied earlier. We aren't friends. I despise him."

"Why would you lie about that?" Steven asked, tilting his head. "NOBODY likes the President, it's not like anybody would judge you for feeling that way."

Peridot adopted a half-lidded glare and pulled out her phone. "Would you like me to read you a Stormfront thread?"

Steven rolled his eyes. "Okay, well, nobody who MATTERS likes the President. Besides, you never cared about what people thought before. Why did that change?"

Peridot's face grew sadder, and she stared down at the floor. "I can't tell you why I've been acting this way," she said, sliding down the wall to sit down. "I'm sorry."

"Why not?" Steven asked, walking over to Peridot and sitting down next to her. "You can tell me anything."

"There's a lot I still don't tell you," Peridot said. "Don't take it personally, I don't tell anyone most things. I just… Don't want to hurt you."

Steven scratched the back of his neck, debating whether or not to ask Peridot something. "Is it… about the crush you had on me?"

Peridot's eyes widened. "Who told you about that?" she asked quickly.

"I kind of guessed," Steven replied. "After you became the Mayor you started acting… differently around me. At first, I thought you were annoyed by me or something. Like you didn't want to be around me." Steven laughed nervously. "Looking back, that was kind of silly. Then I realized Connie was acting weird too, like she didn't trust you or something. That's kind of what tipped me off."

Peridot looked back down at the floor. "Gee. That's embarrassing." She felt a hot wash of shame go over her entire body, and she tried to push it out of her mind. "But no. That's not what it is. And I'm over that anyway."

Steven gave Peridot a worried look. "Then what is it? You can tell me."

Peridot sighed. Her eyes darted around the room. She didn't know how to lie her way out of this. She couldn't. Finally, she decided to come clean. "I'm working with Homeworld."

"... _oh."_

"Shortly after I resigned from my seat as Mayor, Yellow Diamond got in touch," Peridot explained. "She… she's been watching, Steven. Observing. Learning. Plotting." A tear rolled down her cheek. "Lapis was right. Another war IS coming. And I don't know if I'm ready for one."

"What did she want from you?"

"She wants me to succeed Garrison as President and use the position to re-start our mining operation on Earth." Peridot didn't like crying—it was a rather ugly and useless function—but she didn't know what else to do. "The reason I want Garrison's approval rating to go up is so that he can get re-elected in 2020. I don't want to be President, I don't want to help Yellow Diamond, and I don't want to sell out my friends." She pulled her legs to her chest. "But I don't have a choice. She's going to kill you, and the Crystal Gems. Everyone I care about. Lapis needs to stay away, because if she comes back, she'll die too. We're doomed."

They sat in silence for a moment. Suddenly, Steven put his hand on Peridot's shoulder. "No we aren't."

"How? How are we not doomed?"

Steven shrugged. "I don't know. But we have almost three years to figure it out. Whatever happens, I promise, you won't be forced back into their servitude."

"I-"

"Just don't worry about it right now. We'll figure something out." Steven stood up. "You, me, and the Crystal Gems. We're going to get through this. You have to believe that. Okay?"

Peridot looked unsure. "Steven. Do you remember when we went to South Park, several months ago?"

Steven nodded. That was quite the adventure, though admittedly he didn't think much about it.

"When the Crystal Gems found out I was the one who caused the Member Berries to invade Beach City, they…" Peridot paused. "They were sure I was a traitor. When they find out about THIS, they're going to shatter me."

"No they aren't!" Steven argued. "You have to give them more credit than THAT. But if it makes you feel any better, we don't have to tell them right now. It'll just be our little secret. Okay?"

Peridot sighed. "Okay. Thanks."

"We don't have to worry about it right now. It's not for another three years." Steven coughed. "And, uh, something tells me we'll be dealing with Homeworld before that happens anyway."

Peridot chuckled. "Right. YOU'LL probably do something to anger them before I even have a CHANCE!"

"See, that's the spirit!" Steven said. "Whatever happens; it isn't your fault."

"That does make me feel a little better." Something else came into Peridot's mind. "So, what are we going to do about HIM?"

"Who? Oh. OH. The President." Steven shook his head. "Don't worry about that. I've got it covered." He heard a knock at the front door. "In fact, I think that's our cover now."

"Who did you call?"

Steven and Peridot approached the front door, where the knocking continued. Steven opened it, and Peridot raised her eyebrows at the people on the other side.

Paul Ryan, Mike Pence, and Mitch McConnell all stood at the door. Ryan cleared his throat. "Ahem. Greetings, good sir!" he chirped merrily. "It has been brought to our attention that you may have acquired a potentially defective President, which was sold to you between November of 2016 and January of 2017. We're so sorry about that! The manufacturers are issuing a MANDATORY recall of all Presidents with the serial number '45', and we believe the President you were sold carries that serial number."

Mr. Garrison raised an eyebrow and walked over. "Who are you guys talking to– _oh shit,"_ he exclaimed, turning around and trying to run the other way.

"There he is!" Ryan yelled. "Get him!"

"You can't keep taking these vacations every weekend, Mr. President!" McConnell exclaimed as the three Republican leaders tackled Garrison. "You have duties at the White House!"

"You guys don't understand!" Garrison begged as he was dragged out of the house. "The Canadians are really pissed off at me! I can't go back, they'll eat me alive!"

"Come on Mr. President," Ryan said, struggling to pull Garrison away from the doorframe he'd anchored himself to. "Stop… Being… such… a baby!" he yelled as he ripped the President free.

"No! Steven, you have to tell them they've got the wrong President!" Garrison pleaded. "Please, it was Obama! Obama's behind it all! Obama! OBAMA!"

Soon, the President was gone. Steven breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness that's over with." He looked over at Peridot and smiled. "You know, that new Final Fantasy XV DLC just came out. You wanna go check it out?"

"What's 'dee-ell-see'?" Peridot inquired.

"Oh, it's basically a huge scam, designed to get you to buy an unfinished video game," Steven shrugged. "But it's still fun!"

"Right. Okay! Let us check out the 'dee-ell-see'!" Peridot and Steven marched to the game system to play the DLC.

* * *

The three Canadians once again sat at the Whole Foods cafe, sporting comical injuries from their car accident. A fourth Canadian arrived and joined them. "We checked the entire town, buddy. The President isn't here anymore. We lost him."

"That's just fine," the lead Canadian said. "We think we might be close to finding a DIFFERENT enemy of Canada."

"What are you talking aboot?"

The lead Canadian slid a photograph over to his friend, who picked it up. "Recognize that woman?" The newcomer stared at the photo. It appeared to be of a rather large, pink-haired woman sporting a long dress which covered her feet. Over her navel was a pink stone.

The man looked back up at his boss. "You think she's here?"

The lead Canadian nodded. "She is. We believe that Steven boy can lead us to her."

The men looked back at the photograph, intensely glaring at the subject. Canada would soon have her revenge, one way or another.

It was only a matter of time.

The lead Canadian farted.


	3. Chapter 3: The War on Christmas

**A/N: I wrote this in, like, three days, because I got the idea on Friday while I was writing the ACTUAL third chapter and wanted to give it a shot for Christmas.**

 **Also this chapter is, like, 70% poop jokes, so I purposely wrote it so that you could skip past it without really missing much. You know. In case you don't want to spend your Christmas morning reading about talking shit.**

 **For the record, I'm 20 years old.**

The holidays were here. A fresh blanket of snow covered the ground in Beach City, and many of its residents were indoors, celebrating. The Crystal Gems—Garnet, Amethyst, Peridot, and Pearl, and of course Steven, with Greg joining—moved about the beach house, decorating it as they saw fit for the holidays. Pumpkin roamed the house excitedly, his weird gross pumpkin innard tongue hanging out as he tried to get in on what everyone else was doing.

Pearl, who was decorating the tree with Amethyst and Peridot, glanced down at an opened box just below her feet. "Peridot? The stockings are in there, can you hang those up over the fireplace?"

Peridot looked over at the box and smiled. "Yeah, sure!" she said, nodding. She grabbed the box and dragged it over to the fireplace and got to work. "Let's see… Steven… Greg… I'll just put mine right over here… Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl…" She stepped back and admired her work. "There we go!" Peridot looked back at the box and frowned. "Oh, shoot, I missed one."

Steven's eyes widened. He turned his head so fast he nearly got whiplash and stared at the box. "Wait, Peridot, that's not–"

"One more stocking, for…" Peridot trailed off. Her cheerful expression gradually disappeared. "Lapis."

Pearl shot Amethyst an annoyed glare. "I told you to take that one out of the box," she whispered.

"I forgot!" Amethyst whispered back.

"Uh, Peridot!" Pearl tried to distract Peridot from the situation. "I don't think I'm tall enough to put the star on top of the tree. Could you levitate it up there?"

Peridot kept staring at the stocking in her hands. "You know, last year, we made snow Gems at the barn." She chuckled sadly. "We found out a Gem monster was hiding in the snow we rolled up, and the snow creatures came to life." The Crystal Gems all glanced uneasily at each other while Peridot reminisced. "Instead of calling you guys, we tried to take care of it ourselves. It was… a genuinely enjoyable experience. We had a blast."

Steven looked up at his dad, who was nervously scratching the back of his head. "Uh, listen, Peridot," Greg tried to find something comforting to say, but the truth was he couldn't. He lost Rose all those years ago, but the difference was now he had Steven.

Peridot didn't have anybody, except for memories and the knowledge that Lapis left willingly, of her own volition.

Peridot snapped back to reality upon realizing everyone was staring at her. "Oh. Uh…"

"Peridot, are you okay?" Steven asked.

"I'm fine! Honest!" Peridot laughed nervously. She glanced at the stocking she was holding, which bore Lapis' name. "I, uh…" she frowned again. "I think I just need to be alone for a couple of minutes." Peridot placed the stocking down and walked over to Steven's bathroom. "I'll, uh… I'll be right back." She opened the door and stepped in, closing it behind her. Steven sighed.

"Poor Peridot," he muttered. "How is she gonna have a happy holiday if she's super lonely the whole time?"

Greg placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "You know, Schtu-ball, our first holiday after your mother left us wasn't exactly a great one either. I mean sure, you were there, but the wound was still fresh." He cast a worried glance at the bathroom. "I think it's gonna be a while before Peridot can really forget about what happened."

"Man, I hope Lapis is having a better holiday than Peridot is," said Amethyst. Everyone stared at her. "I mean, you know, SHE'S the one who decided to leave, so, you know, maybe she's having a blast!"

"I can still hear you guys," Peridot's muffled voice came from within the bathroom.

"Aw, crap."

Inside the bathroom, Peridot sighed, and looked up at her reflection. She knew her behavior was inappropriate. She was totally bringing the mood down. Amethyst raised a good point, though; Lapis DID choose to leave, so really, it was all her fault that Peridot was like this. Therefore, Lapis Lazuli had declared war on Christmas.

Peridot sighed again. "You're being unreasonable, Peridot," she said to her reflection. "You drove Lazuli away. That's why she left. It wasn't her. It was you."

"Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice," Peridot suddenly heard a rather high-pitched voice from… somewhere. She glanced around.

"Who said that?"

"You know, gettin' down on yourself just isn't in the holiday spirit," the voice continued. "Maybe you need someone to help you cheer up!"

"I'm hearing voices now," Peridot muttered. "Fabulous."

"Over here!" Peridot looked around the room. She saw nothing. "Down here!" She stared at the toilet seat, but rolled her eyes as soon as she did so.

"Yeah, right, Peridot," she said to herself. "The only thing that goes down there is—"

"Hoowwwdy-ho!" the voice said again—only this time, Peridot saw where it was coming from. The toilet bowl began to sparkle, and from out of it, jumped…

A piece of human feces. With a face. And arms. And a festive hat.

It was smiling at her.

"Howdy ho, Peridot!" the turd said. "Sounds to me like you need help getting into the Christmas—"

Peridot screamed.

On the other side of the door, the group heard Peridot's terrified screams, and shot each other alarmed looks. Steven ran to the door.

"Peridot! Are you okay?!"

"STEVEN! Help!" Peridot shouted. "There's a… it's a… YOU MADE THIS!"

Steven quickly opened the door and ran in. "What? What?! What is it?! What did you see– Peridot?" Steven looked around, but couldn't find Peridot. "Where'd you go?"

"Up here…" Peridot said. Steven looked up. She was perched atop the bar that held up the shower curtain, holding a toilet plunger and staring fearfully at the toilet. She was shaking violently. "Get it away from me!" she yelled.

Steven looked over at the toilet.

A turd was sitting on the seat.

He wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Ugh! Uh, Peridot, you know you're not supposed to reach in there, right?"

"Yes I know you aren't supposed to reach in there, you clod!" Peridot yelled, glaring at Steven. "It jumped out at me! Now kill it before it kills me!"

Steven looked back at the piece of poo. "This jumped out at you."

"Yes!"

"This inanimate piece of poo."

"Yes, now get rid of it for me!"

Steven just stared at Peridot for a solid thirty seconds, but eventually directed his gaze back at the turd. Grabbing a nearby toilet cleaning brush, he hesitantly pushed the excrement back into the toilet, and hit the flusher. Once the toilet had gone through its cycle, he stared back up at Peridot. "Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"I think I'm going totally insane," Peridot muttered. "Is it gone?"

"Yes, it's gone."

Peridot sighed in relief. "Oh, I'm a mess. I really hope Lapis is dealing with everything better than I am."

Much of South Park's populace had gathered in the community center, where, as always, they were trying to deal with a very specific set of problems. Also as always, they were all really pissed off about it.

"Rabble rabble rabble! Rabble rabble rabble-" the crowd rabbled angrily.

Mayor McDaniels marched up to the podium and addressed the town. "People, people, please, calm down!"

Stephen Stotch stood up. "How can we calm down? There's a war on Christmas!"

"Yeah!" the crowd barked.

Thomas Tucker stood up as well. "I knew it would come down to this! First, we started putting 'Happy Holidays' on Starbucks cups. THEN, the President starts saying 'Happy Holidays' at the Christmas tree lighting. And NOW, we have to deal with… with this!"

Sheila Broflovski stood up. "It's not just Christmas. She ruined Hanukkah, too! She'll probably try to ruin Kwanzaa, if we give her the chance! We have to do something!"

"And New Years!"

"If she sticks around until Valentine's Day? What'll we do then?!"

The crowd began to rabble again, outraged at the War on Every Single Holiday. The Mayor sighed.

"People, please. I want Lapis Lazuli out of South Park as soon as possible too, believe me." She looked around at all of her constituents. "As you all know, since the holidays started, this alien has been wandering around town, breaking into homes, and trying to spend Christmas with people. Once she is in your home and spending time with your families, she totally brings down the mood. She tells stories about her tragic past and whines about her exes. In order to make sure our Christmas is as merry as possible, I've brought in a guest speaker to teach you how to deal with Lapis Lazuli. Please welcome, Bill Dewey."

The audience clapped as Dewey took the stage. He got behind the podium and addressed the townspeople. "Thank you, thank you. I'm Bill Dewey, the current Secretary of Alien Affairs under the President." The crowd groaned. "Now hold on, hold on! More importantly, I was formerly the mayor of Beach City, which is where Lapis Lazuli used to live. I know how to deal with this problem, because, believe me, I've had to deal with it before."

Dewey pulled a small remote out of his breast pocket and began to play a slideshow, which was being projected onto a large screen behind him. "Crystal Gems do two things very often. They sing," he said, clicking his button, "and they cry. That is all they do. They sing and they cry. Why do they do this?" He clicked the button again, and one word was displayed on the screen in big, bold letters. "Attention," he read aloud. "They do it for attention. They feed off of it. It sustains them. So, how do we deal with this problem in Beach City?" He clicked again. "We ignore them. If you ignore a Crystal Gem, they get bored and they leave to become someone else's problem.

"That's what we have to do now. If you see Lapis Lazuli, don't talk to her. Don't even acknowledge her. Just ignore her. Pretend she isn't there. Just let her do whatever until she leaves. Most importantly-"

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Lapis Lazuli said, having entered the community center. "Are we having a town meeting or something?" The townspeople all stared at her, before deciding to try Dewey's advice. Slowly, everyone looked away from her, and pretended she didn't exist. "...so, uh, you guys want to go build a snowman later?"

Everyone continued to ignore her. Randy Marsh coughed. Beyond that, the room was very silent for a long, awkward amount of time. Lapis raised an eyebrow and looked around at everyone. "Guys?" No response. Slowly, Lapis turned around and left the building. The room breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"It's as simple as that, folks," Dewey said, nodding. "Remember: just ignore her. Do not acknowledge her. Got it?"

"Got it," the crowd affirmed.

The Marsh family had gathered in their living room after the town meeting to spend the holidays together. Right now, they were decorating a Christmas tree. Randy stood by the tree while Sharon and the kids sorted through various ornaments and other decorations.

"Alright, Stanley, can you pass me the ornament you picked out when you were three?" Randy said. Stan obliged and grabbed a Terrance and Phillip ornament from the box. Smiling, he handed it to his dad, and Randy placed it on the tree. "Alright, now Shelley, can you hand me the ornament you got that looks like the snowman from Frozen?" His daughter handed him the ornament, which he placed on the tree. "Great! Stanley, can you give me the star?"

"Hey, you guys need help with that?" Lapis Lazuli asked, having invited herself into the Marsh home. "Oh, I can fly, I'll just put that star on top for you!"

The family stared at each other. Randy looked back down at Stan. "Stan. Stan, can I have the star?"

Stan looked up at Lapis Lazuli, then at his dad. "Uh."

Lapis looked down at Stan. "Here, Stan, I'll take the star for you."

"Stanley, what are you waiting for?" Randy asked. "Give me the star."

Still staring at Lapis, Stan slowly walked over to his father and handed him the star. "Here you go, dad," he said, although he hadn't stopped staring at Lapis.

"Thank you, Stanley," Randy smiled, and put the star on top of the tree. Lapis was really confused, but she just shrugged and left the house. Randy sighed with relief. "Oh, thank god, that worked."

The same happened at various other houses in South Park. The Tuckers and the Tweaks had dinner together that night.

"Are you enjoying the meal, Tweek?" Laura Tucker asked.

Tweek nodded. "Ngh! It's great Mrs. Tucker, thanks!"

Richard Tweak put his fork down. "You know, I'm thankful for the bond these two families have forged," he announced. "Since Tweek and Craig started dating, well, I don't know if any families in South Park have been as close as the Tweaks and the Tuckers!"

"That's right," Thomas agreed. "Our boys have created something really special here! Christmas is about spending time with family, and as far as I'm concerned, you guys are all family!"

"Yeah, family's great!" Lapis Lazuli said, sitting down at the dinner table. "I'm glad we can all spend Christmas together, as a family. So how was school, Craig?"

Craig stared at Lapis, then continued to eat his food, ignoring her.

"Craig? Craig, how was school?" Lapis turned her attention to Tweek. "Tweek, you're staying safe, I hope?" No response. Lapis frowned. "What is wrong with everyone today?" She got up and left.

The McCormicks sat at their kitchen table, eating Pop Tarts for dinner, as the Jerome McElroy Foundation wasn't able to raise enough money to provide a nutritious Christmas dinner for Kenny's family. Kenny glared at his Pop Tart and sighed.

"Kenny, are you feeling alright?" his mother, Carol asked. "You've barely touched your Pop Tart."

Lapis Lazuli entered the kitchen, carrying a tray. "Hey, everyone! I brought dinner!" Lapis pulled the cover off of the tray, and revealed a rather large, delicious looking turkey. Kenny's eyes widened, and he looked up at his parents, who were also eyeing the turkey. After a moment, however, they looked away and ignored Lapis—much to Kenny's dismay.

"Dude, what the fuck?!" Kenny yelled, his words muffled by his hood. "Are you guys fuckin' insane?!"

Lapis looked down at Kenny. "Kenny, would you like some turkey?"

"Hell yes, dude!" Kenny got up out of his seat and marched over to Lapis. Fate, however, had other plans, and a ceiling lamp fell from its fixture and crushed Kenny, killing him instantly.

Lapis gasped. "Oh my god!" she shouted. "They killed Kenny!" She stared at Kenny's family… who were still ignoring her.

Stuart stared at his son's corpse, then back at Lazuli. Carol tried to avert her eyes. Kenny's siblings, Kevin and Karen, just looked flat-out distressed.

In the end, however, they triumphed, and went back to eating their Pop Tarts, still ignoring Lapis, who just glared at them. Stuart quickly glanced over at his recently deceased son's uneaten Pop Tart, and grabbed it. Lapis groaned and left, much to the relief of Kenny's family.

Peridot, having finally calmed down, was back to being merry as she hung up decorations with the others. She stood on a stool and lined the front door with lights. What she didn't realize, however, was that she was soon to encounter a different sort of stool.

Peridot taped the lights to one corner of the frame, then to the other. "Okay, Amethyst, I need you to plug this in over there," she directed, pointing to a nearby socket.

"Got it."

Peridot admired her work. "This is nice. It's certainly keeping my mind off of–"

"Howdy ho, Peridot!"

"AH!" Peridot screamed, backing up off the stool to get away from the talking turd. She tripped and fell onto Steven, who was holding the ladder up for her.

"Oof!" Steven grunted—but he recovered quickly. "Peridot, are you okay?!"

"It's back!"

"What's back?"

Pearl glanced up at the doorframe—and saw a turd sitting on the doorframe. "Amethyst!"

"What?"

"Did you put that up there?!"

"It wasn't me!"

"Well it wasn't me either!" Peridot yelled. "Only you, Greg, and Steven eat food, so the way I see it, one of you left it there, and so help me, if I have to call the Hardly Boys to figure out who put it up there, I will!"

"Calm down, Peridot," Garnet said in a soothing voice. "It doesn't matter who put it there. Somebody will get it down."

"It matters when it walks and talks!" Peridot yelled. "I don't know a whole lot about humans, but I do know one thing. Their feces isn't supposed to talk!"

Greg raised his eyebrows. "Talking stool?"

"Yes! Talking stool!"

"Peridot's right," Garnet said. "It's not supposed to talk. Fortunately for us, it's not talking."

"What?" Peridot looked back up at the door frame. It was just a piece of poo. "No. No, it was talking to me. It said, like, 'howdily doodily', it something like that…"

Steven looked really worried. "Peridot. I REALLY think something's wrong."

"Nothing's WRONG!" Peridot argued, a little offended that nobody believed her. "You seriously think I'm making this up?"

"No, no, we don't think you're making things up!" Steven assured. "We just think, uh, maybe you're…"

"Going crazy?" Peridot asked. "That's what you think, isn't it? You think I've lost my marbles! Well I'm perfectly sane, I assure you! I'M NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!" Suddenly, Peridot felt a throbbing pain in her head, right behind her Gem. "Ow!"

The Crystal Gems all stared awkwardly. Pearl coughed. "Well, uh, this is certainly… um…"

"Maybe Peridot needs some rest," Garnet interrupted. "She's not well."

Peridot glared at Garnet, though the extreme headache she was now dealing with made it difficult to focus. "I'm fine."

Steven walked over to her. "You're not fine. At the very least, you've got a headache. Go lay down for a bit, please. We're worried about you."

Peridot looked around at the rest of her friends, and sighed. They WERE worried about her. "Fine. I'll be in my quarters."

"Your 'quarters'?" Pearl asked, raising an eyebrow. "You mean the bathroom." Peridot shot her a rather nasty glare, and Pearl once again found herself awkwardly backpedaling. "Uh, yes, your quarters. Go, get some rest."

Peridot walked to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Greg scratched the back of his head. "Wow. Uh, that was… something." He looked back down at Steven, who looked more than a little worried. "Hey, kiddo. Uh, I've still got some last-minute shopping to do. You wanna come with?"

Steven didn't really look like he wanted to go with, but nonetheless, he nodded. "Yeah. Sure."

"Stay safe," Garnet said as Greg and Steven walked out.

Peridot lay in her makeshift bed in the bathtub, clutching her head. "Ugh… I wish there was some kind of drug I could take to alleviate this pain," she muttered. "Something that… kills pain. Perhaps one I could purchase at a grocery store, without having to go through a doctor. Over a counter, perhaps?" She paused for a moment, and grabbed her tape recorder. "Idea. Invent over the counter drugs. Make millions." She chuckled, sure that her new invention would make her the richest Gem in the universe.

Which she guessed was technically already true, since she was one of the only Gems in the known universe with a basic concept of 'money' and what it was.

Peridot glanced over at the toilet seat. Still down. Good. _He_ wasn't going to show up again. She sighed, but something she heard in the other room made her ears perk up.

"...acting very weird lately…" That was Pearl's voice. Peridot tilted her head quizzically, and snuck over to the door.

"It's alarming," Garnet said. "Something's not right."

"What do you mean?"

Peridot heard a brief pause. "I didn't want to say this in front of Steven, but…" Garnet trailed off. "Last spring, when Peridot stopped the government from launching that corrupting light…"

"What about it?" Amethyst asked.

"The President told us that Steve Bannon hit her with a localized version of the corruption."

"And?" Pearl asked. "That was a very long time ago."

"Peridot was able to hold off the effects long enough to heal, but…" Garnet paused again. "...for how long?"

Peridot's eyes widened.

"How long…?" Pearl said. "Surely you don't think–"

"Corruption never leaves a Gem," Garnet interrupted. "It's a deep, deep scar. Peridot's been under a lot of stress these last few months, and now that Lapis Lazuli is gone, there isn't much keeping her mind's defenses up."

"What are you saying?"

Another pause. "I think Peridot's hallucinations today were a symptom of very, very bad things to come. She's not herself anymore. That sudden headache wasn't a good sign either."

"What are you saying?" Pearl repeated.

"I'm saying we need to keep an eye on her," Garnet clarified. "And… and brace ourselves. Because we might lose another valued teammate before the new year."

Well, that was enough to sufficiently freak Peridot the fuck out.

"Golly, that doesn't sound very nice," the talking shit said, having once again appeared next to Peridot.

"God- get out of here!" Peridot yelled. She grabbed the turd, which laughed and slipped out of her hands.

"Let's get your friends into the Christmas spirit!" the turd yelled merrily as he jumped around the room.

"Cut that out!" Peridot followed the turd around the room, making a lot of noise in the progress. Luckily, she was as agile as he was, and after a short chase, she was able to capture it. "Haha! I am victorious!"

Pearl opened the door. "What's going on in–" she gasped in horror and placed her hands over her mouth. The other two Crystal Gems popped into the bathroom just in time to see Peridot, standing in the center of the room holding a piece of poo. The room was smeared with it, and Peridot had a crazed look in her eyes.

"I got it, you guys!" she yelled, giggling madly. "I captured the enemy!"

"Peridot, what on EARTH has gotten into you?!" Pearl shouted. "This room is a disaster!"

"It's okay! I caught the festive feces!" It was just a regular turd.

"There's something very wrong with you," Pearl said, trying to avert her eyes from the scene. "I don't know–I don't know what's going on here, but it needs to stop, Peridot. You need to get ahold of yourself!"

"I'm not crazy! This fecal clod TALKS!"

"Yes, Peridot!" Pearl yelled back. "You ARE crazy! Or you're acting like it."

"This is the part where you all turn on me, isn't it?" Peridot asked, a paranoid look on her face. "You think I'm going to turn, don't you?"

"Peridot, we don't think—"

"Liars! I heard you! You're going to bubble me and keep me in that room forever!" Peridot accused. "Well, you'll have to catch me first!" Using her ferrokinesis, Peridot pulled the towel rack from the wall and tossed it at Pearl. The Crystal Gems sidestepped it, as it was a rather pathetic toss. They realized too late, however, that her intent wasn't to hit them. She knew they'd dodge, because that meant they were out of her way.

"Peridot!" Garnet yelled as the shorter Gem pushed past them. "Stop!"

"What, so you guys can poof me?" Peridot asked. "Fat chance!" She ran out the front door, turd still in hand. "I'll be back when you three decide to trust me a little more!" Peridot slammed the door.

"Man," Amethyst said, "this Christmas kind of sucks."

The Whole Foods Market in Shi Tpa Town was busy, as always, with residents of South Park going in and out with last-minute Christmas dinner purchases. A Salvation Army volunteer loudly rang his bell for donations. Lapis Lazuli happened to be walking past the store, and paused when she heard the bell. Smiling, she reached into her shirt and pulled out a $20 bill she'd found on the street.

"Here you go," she said, holding the bill in front of the gentleman. "Merry Christmas." She tried to put the bill inside the kettle… but the volunteer pulled it away. "Uh." She tried again. And again. And again. The man kept pulling the kettle away, preventing Lapis from putting the money in. "Here, take my… I have a donation… I am GIVING this to you, why are you doing this?!"

Lapis took a break from trying to put the money in the kettle, and glared at the volunteer—who deliberately avoided eye contact and kept ringing his bell. Now sufficiently pissed off, Lapis shouted, and grabbed the kettle out of the man's hand. "Agh! Take my money!" she yelled, stuffing the bill into the kettle and tossing it onto the ground. "THERE! Happy holidays!" she shouted, angrily stomping away from the Whole Foods. The volunteer stared for a bit, shocked at her behavior, before returning to ringing his bell.

Lapis marched through South Park, stewing in her own angst. Dark storm clouds formed over the town as she pushed past various residents of South Park. Christmas sucks. Everyone was ignoring her, for seemingly no reason. Nobody even wanted to talk to her about it.

Again. Once again, she's being forced out of a town because nobody would _fucking talk to her_ about their problems. She was tired of this. If only there was some way she could make everyone ELSE feel how she felt… then maybe they wouldn't treat her so poorly.

As she walked past the Broflovski house, she noticed their son, Kyle, sitting on his doorstep. He looked sad. But she wasn't even going to bother seeing what was wrong, since he was just going to ignore—

"You feel it too, huh?" Kyle asked Lapis as she passed him. She paused, not sure if he was talking to her. "You're feeling left out. Like nobody wants anything to do with you." Kyle stood up and walked over to Lapis. "I know what it's like. To be shunned from society. I tried to help people. To make sure nobody was in any undue pain, but… I took it too far. And got millions of Canadians killed. And now everyone hates my guts."

Lapis turned around. "Kyle, right? You aren't ignoring me."

Kyle shook his head. "Should I be?"

"No, no, it's just…" Lapis sighed, and sat down next to Kyle. "I just wanted to celebrate the holidays with the people of this town, because… because I can't go home. Not yet. Now it seems like I'm being driven out again."

"You know, a long time ago, some girls at school put out a fake list that said that I was the ugliest boy in school," Kyle continued. "When that happened, I felt so hurt and angry that I… I just wanted to get revenge. On everyone."

Lapis perked up. "So you're saying I should get revenge on the people of South Park for shunning me?"

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "No, wait, I'm not finished–"

"Thank you, Kyle!" Lapis said, hugging the boy. "I know what I have to do!" She flared her wings and flew off, leaving Kyle extremely panicked.

"Wait, no, that's not what I-!" She was gone. "Aw, shit!"

Lapis Lazuli immediately got to work. She knew exactly how she was going to get revenge on South Park.

She was going to declare war on Christmas.

Peridot trudged through the snow, her head still in pain. She looked back down at the stupid piece of shit in her hands. "Why do you keep leaving?"

"Howdy ho, Peridot. Sorry about that. Sometimes, I get plum tuckered out."

"Regardless!" Peridot was determined to get answers now. "You are now my prisoner. I am interrogating you, now, and believe me, I am a TERRIFYING interrogator. Certain people can vouch for me."

"Like Lapis Lazuli?"

Peridot stopped. "You better start answering some questions, buddy, because now you're starting to piss me off. Who are you? What are you? Why are you here? What do you want?"

"Now Peridot, I think we all know why you aren't feeling the Christmas spirit."

"Answer my questions."

The poo waved again. "I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo," he introduced. "Howwwwdy ho! I came all the way to Beach City from the sewers of South Park, because I heard you were in a real pickle."

"I WASN'T until you showed up," Peridot argued. "Now my friends all think I've gone completely nuts." She narrowed her eyes a bit. "I'm talking to feces. I HAVE gone completely nuts."

"Doggone it Peridot, quit your bitchin'," Mr. Hankey shot back. "I'm here because it's where I was needed most. You miss your friend, don'tcha?"

"Yes. Of course I do. That wasn't a secret, and I doubt you can bring her back."

"Well, you're right. I can't. She's not coming back to Beach City."

"That's right she's not."

"Because she's in South Park."

Peridot was about to argue, but stopped herself. She actually didn't know how to respond to that. "...she is?"

"Yeah, she is, and she's causing the townspeople a real headache," Mr. Hankey lamented. "She's feeling just as lonely on Christmas as you are. But unlike you, she doesn't HAVE anyone else. You've got Garnet, and Amethyst, and Pearl, and Steven and Greg and Connie and Pumpkin. Lapis Lazuli doesn't have ANYONE, and the people of South Park are treating her real poorly."

"If she's back on Earth, why hasn't she come back to Beach City? The whole REASON she left was because she was scared that Homeworld was going to–"

"She's still scared of that," Mr. Hankey interrupted. "She's going to try to make one last ditch effort to get you to come to space with her. She's been staying in South Park while she tries to figure out how."

"Well, my mind is made up," Peridot stated indignantly. "I'm staying here. I'm sorry, but she isn't going to convince me."

"I know she isn't. But until you tell her that, she's going to keep causing trouble for everyone in South Park."

"What are you saying?"

"She's declaring war on Christmas," Mr. Hankey concluded. "If you don't stop her, she's going to ruin Christmas."

Peridot thought about it for a moment, and decided that the talking poo was right. She drove Lapis away. It was her responsibility to make sure nobody else suffered because of that. She had to give Lazuli closure.

"What's the fastest way to South Park?" Peridot questioned. "We need to get there before she can do any real damage."

Mr. Hankey smiled, and hopped out her hands. With a little bit of Christmas magic, he summoned his legendary vehicle, the Poo Choo Express, and put on a conductor's hat. "Come on, Peridot! We've got a holiday to save!"

Peridot just stared at the train. "Uh…" she apprehensively tapped the side. Yup. That was poo. "I think… let's… y-yeah, you know what, I'm good."

"This is the fastest way to South Park."

"Okay, but… you know, it's just… l-like, there's a warp pad nearby, I think I'll just use that instead."

"There's no time!" Mr. Hankey yelled. "We have to go now, get in the train!"

Peridot stared at the train a while longer, before sighing and walking towards it. "Well, at least I don't need to breathe," she muttered, holding her nose to try and ignore the stench.

Greg and Steven walked through Whole Foods, with a mostly empty shopping cart. "I thought you said you had a lot of last-minute shopping to do," Steven said.

"I just wanted to get out of that house," Greg admitted. "Things were getting pretty awkward around there. It's probably calmed down now, we should head back."

"I still can't believe Peridot was acting so weird. I mean… talking poo?"

Greg furrowed his brow. "Yeah, that sure was something. Something about it seemed familiar to me, though."

"It did?"

"Yeah, it was really weird!" Greg tried to think about it. "Something about talking poo… I don't know, it was like I had…" his speech slowed as something dawned on him. "...heard it before…" Greg stopped in his tracks.

"Dad? Are you okay?"

"Peridot's description of it was familiar. Too familiar. Back in the 80s, I met this guy on tour. His name was Jerome, but everyone just called him Chef. I think he's dead now. I don't know."

"Where is this going?"

"Chef, he kept taking about this Christmas deity…" Greg said. He snapped his fingers as he tried to remember. "Mr. Handy? No, that wasn't it. Mr. Melvin… Mister… mister… Hankey… Hankey! Mr. Hankey, the Christmas—" he gasped. "The Christmas Poo."

"What?"

"Steven, Peridot's not crazy!" Greg said. "She was right. There IS a Christmas Poo!"

"Really?!"

"Yeah, I–I actually MET him once, I think! How could I have forgotten that?!"

"Mr. Hankey?" a random passerby commented. "Oh, yeah, I was in Colorado once, they're all over him over there."

"Oh my gosh!" Steven exclaimed. He gripped his face, suddenly becoming extremely stressed out. "I can't believe we didn't believe her!"

"Yeah, kind of fucked up you'd just throw your friend under the bus like that, kid," the man said. "Well, bye. I'm off to go pick up some extra pillows to put under my ass while I sleep, on account of I keep waking up with a sore asshole every morning." He walked away.

Steven started moving towards the door. "Come on, dad. We have to go apologize to Peridot!" Suddenly, his phone rang. He picked it up immediately. "Hello?"

"Steven!" Pearl yelled. "Have you seen Peridot anywhere?!"

"She's not with you?"

"No, she took that piece of feces and left!"

"Oh noes!" Steven exclaimed. "What if she gets lost?!"

Greg put a hand on his son's shoulder. "She isn't going to get lost, Steven," he muttered. "If she left with Mr. Hankey, there's only one place they could be going. Come on. We need to hurry."

The entire town of South Park stood in front of City Hall, admiring a large Christmas tree that was erected on the lawn, as it was every year. Mayor McDaniels took to the stage.

"People of South Park, welcome to our twenty-first annual Christmas tree lighting," she announced. "Before we get started, I'd like to thank Secretary Dewey for flying all the way out here from Washington to help us with our little… problem." Secretary Dewey stood up and waved as he received modest applause from the crowd. He sat back down a moment later. "So, without further ado, I would like to invite South Park Elementary's own Timmy Burch to kick off the ceremony with his rendition of 'Silent Night'."

Timmy wheeled his way onto the stage as the mayor made her way off. He grinned at the crowd, which was already applauding him. "Timmy!" he greeted, waving at everyone. He then looked over at the gentleman at the piano, who gave him a thumbs up and began playing. "Tim-Tim Tim Timmy Ti-may, Timmy livealie Timmy–"

Suddenly, the ground began to shake. Timmy stopped singing and glanced around in concern, as did several citizens of South Park.

"Good lord!" Priest Maxi shouted from the crowd. "It's an earthquake! The lord is punishing us for our rampant commercialization of the birth of Christ!"

Just in front of the Christmas tree, a large block of snow suddenly rose up. The figure atop held up a hand, and it soon became apparent she was the one controlling it all. Once the block was at a sufficient height, she raised each arm and summoned two large, snowy construct arms. Once everything settled down, the crowd was able to get a good look at the person atop the block.

I'm not going to beat around the bush, here. Lapis Lazuli was dressed like Elsa from Frozen. She's one of those villains, who feels the need to dress for the occasion. "People of South Park!" she yelled, her voice carrying across town. "Christmas is canceled! Go home! ...that is all."

Priest Maxi sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god, it's just a super villain."

Jimbo Kern glared up at Lapis. "Like hell it is!" he shouted, raising a rifle. "She's comin' right for us, Ned! Take the shot!"

Ned raised his rifle as well. "Mm, taking the shot," he said through his artificial voice box. Both he and Jimbo fired multiple rounds at Lapis… to no avail, as she quickly manipulated and compacted the snow around the area to form a large sheet of ice thick enough to deflect bullets.

"All I wanted was to spend the holidays with someone I cared about!" Lapis yelled. "Then she refused to leave Earth with me, so I decided to spend time with you all, instead! That's all I wanted! I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you! But no, you had to go and—" she stopped, realizing that everybody was ignoring her again.

"Hey, uh, do you guys hear something?" Randy Marsh asked, purposefully not making eye contact with Lapis.

"Nope. Just the wind!" Stephen Stotch replied, also not making eye contact with her.

Secretary Dewey just stared out at the crowd, mouth agape. "What are you all doing?" he asked. "There's—she's LITERALLY destroying Christmas, right in front of you all."

"You told them to ignore her," Mayor McDaniels reminded.

"Yeah, but I didn't expect them to take it THIS far."

"You said you were the Mayor of Beach City, you should have fully expected this kind of stupidity."

Dewey glared at the Mayor. "No, the people of Beach City aren't THIS dumb. Okay. Seriously everybody, you need to stop ignoring her, now."

"Ignoring who, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey asked innocently.

Dewey looked totally baffled. "HER! Lapis Lazuli! The one who's destroying Christmas!"

"I don't see anyone," Randy commented. "All I see is a beautiful Christmas tree."

"WHAT?!" Dewey shouted. "Up there! She's literally right there! She is the most visible thing for miles!"

The crowd was silent. One townsperson raised his hand. "I see her—" his statement was cut short by a gunshot. Somebody in the crowd had murdered him, just to keep up the idiotic charade that Lapis Lazuli did not exist. A very frustrated Secretary Dewey turned around and grumbled to himself.

"Oh my god, everybody in this town is a moron, how are any of them still alive?"

"Lazuli!" a nasally voice yelled from within the crowd.

Lapis perked up. "That sounds like…"

Peridot pushed past the crowd and made her way to the front, with Mr. Hankey following close behind her. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Lapis didn't answer. She didn't actually believe she'd see Peridot again so soon. She was so glad to see her, but… Peridot didn't seem as happy. She seemed annoyed.

"Fine, don't answer me! I can SEE what you're doing. You're trying to ruin Christmas!" Peridot yelled.

"Lapis!" another nasally voice yelled from within the crowd. Kyle ran to the front as well, standing next to Peridot. "Don't do this, Lapis! This isn't you!"

"But I-"

"I don't know what the hell happened that made you act like this, but whatever it is, you need to forget about it!" Kyle yelled. "Getting revenge on the people who hurt you… it might seem nice at first, but at the end of the day, it won't solve any of your problems. It'll just create new ones. Believe me, I know.

"Sometimes in life, you get dealt a shitty hand. It sucks. I know. But sometimes the only way to deal with it is to just… take it. Sometimes there AREN'T any solutions. Sometimes you just need to… let it go. Like that princess from that fruity Disney movie."

Peridot glared up at Lapis. "Instead of getting revenge and picking fights with innocent humans, get revenge on me. Pick a fight with ME. I'M the one who did this to you. I'M the one who pushed you away, who caused you to leave. So if anyone deserves it, it's ME."

Lapis just stared sadly at Peridot. Sighing, she lowered her platform and walked over to the green Gem. "Do you hate me?" she asked.

"What?"

"You heard me. Do you hate me?"

"No, of course I don't hate you."

"Then why are you acting like this?"

"Lapis, I'm putting my foot down!" Peridot exclaimed. "Literally. Look. My foot is down."

"Putting your foot down…?"

"You're still on Earth because you're still holding out hope that I'll abandon it to go live in space with you until the Second Gem War blows over, aren't you?"

Kyle raised his eyebrows in alarm. "War?! Jesus Christ, dude!"

"If that's what you're waiting for…" Peridot started. She hesitated, and tried to fight back tears. "Then go back to space. Because I'm not leaving Earth. But if you want to come back to Beach City, and spend the rest of your days with me, and Pumpkin, and Steven and the others… I'll happily let things go back to the way they were."

"Are you asking me to come back?" Lapis asked.

"I'm telling you what your options are. I would love nothing more than for you to come back, but… if you don't want to, that's your decision. I won't make you. My mind's made up. It all comes down to what YOU want." Peridot firmly stood her ground. "It's YOUR decision to make. Not mine. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. I can't chase you around forever. It's not healthy. For either of us."

Lapis looked, more than anything, shocked that this was all coming out of Peridot's mouth. After the initial shock wore off, however, she just looked sad. After several minutes of total silence, she simply turned around and, without a word, flew off. Once she was truly gone, Peridot let her tears flow and got down on her knees.

"So that's it, then," she said, sadly. "It's over. For good, this time."

Kyle patted Peridot on the back. "Hey, come on. It's not all bad. What you just did took some real balls. You should be proud."

"Why do I feel like such a failure, then?"

Kyle looked up at the sky. "Sometimes the things you have to do make you feel like shit."

Steven and the Crystal Gems pushed through the crowd. "Peridot!" Steven yelled, relieved to see his friend. "There you are! We thought you'd left forever!"

"I'm never going to do that, Steven," Peridot said, looking back up at the sky. "Ever."

Steven frowned. "Uh. Did I miss something?"

"No. No you didn't." Peridot didn't have the heart to tell the others that Lapis was just here. "So, are you all here to poof and bubble me?"

"No!" Steven said, shocked. "Why would we do that?!"

"Because I'm hallucinating talking feces, and that's a symptom of corruption."

Steven laughed nervously and looked down at Mr. Hankey. "Haha… yeah… about that…"

"Howdy ho, Steven!"

"Howdy ho, Mr. Hankey."

Peridot's eyes widened. She looked at Steven. Then Mr. Hankey. Then Steven again. "You can see him?"

"Yeah, dude!" Kyle said. "Mr. Hankey comes to South Park every year!"

Pearl looked down at Mr. Hankey and recoiled in disgust. Nonetheless, she had to admit that she, too, could see Mr. Hankey. "Yes. Ahem. Uh, Peridot, it appears we owe you an apology."

"I'm not crazy? I mean… you're darn right you owe me an apology!" Peridot said, returning to her normal self. "I mean, really! Why on EARTH would I make something like this up?!"

"Now, come on, everyone!" Mr. Hankey chastised. "It's Christmas! We should all be happy, and treat each other like family!"

Peridot thought about what he said, then smiled. "Yeah. You know what? You guys are my family. I'm sorry I was such a bummer on Christmas."

"That's fine," Steven said, waving it off. "We're all together now, thanks to Mr. Hankey."

Mr. Hankey smiled. "Aw, shucks, I was just trying to make sure you all had a swell holiday!"

Kyle smiled as well, and began to sing. " _Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, I love you."_

Peridot smiled and joined in. " _Therefore vicariously he loves you, even if you're feeling blue!"_

The entire crowd joined in—even the Crystal Gems, who probably believed talking poo was beneath them. " _Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, he can be brown or greenish brown._

" _But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve he might come to your town!"_

Mr. Hankey took the center stage as the Christmas tree began to light up. Secretary Dewey just stared in disbelief.

" _I'm Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, season's greetings to all of you!_

" _Let's sing songs and dance and play, now before I melt away!_

Peridot performed her own solo. " _Christ-mas cheer has saved the day, I was sad, and that's okay!_

" _Now it's time to move along, Christmas time has come!"_

The crowd was really into it now. All of the lights were lit up. South Park was really feeling the Christmas spirit. " _Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, Christmas leaves, he must leave too._

" _Flush him down but he's never gone…_

" _His smell and his spirit lingers on!"_ The group held the last note as Mr. Hankey made his way into the sewers, waving one last goodbye.

"Howdy ho!"

Stan Marsh looked at Kyle, having approached him during the song. "Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here," he said.

And so it was.

Jesus Christ sat alone at his table, a birthday cake in front of him with four big candles spelling out "2017". "Happy birthday to me," he sang sadly. "Happy birthday to me..." He blew out his candles, leaving him in total darkness.


	4. Chapter 4: Radioactive Canada

**A/N: Just a random bit of trivia: Dorito Elect, my last story, only had one use of the word "fuck" in the entire story, which occurred in the final chapter.**

 **Conversely, this chapter alone uses it 23 times.**

* * *

Pearl jabbed her spear into a monster, which poofed immediately. She bubbled it and sent it off to the temple. "I can't believe we're still cleaning up Peridot's mess," Pearl muttered. Amethyst stumbled by, struggling with her own monster.

"Yeah!" she shouted. Using her whip, she slammed the monster into the ground, poofing it. "We've been doing this for MONTHS, are we almost done?!"

"Almost," Garnet replied. She was holding two monsters, and destroyed each of them with ease. "These are the last of them."

A very primitive-looking gem monster scurried past Amethyst. It was tiny, insignificant, and had a flappy head and beady eyes, but carried no gemstone of its own—meaning it was part of a hive gem. "There's another one," Amethyst pointed out. "It doesn't have a gem. Does that mean Momma Monster is out there somewhere?"

"Let's follow it, and see where it goes," Garnet nodded. "Canada's a big place. We can't afford to lose it."

Pearl sighed as her companions moved to follow the small monster. They'd been in Canada hunting down monsters for three days. As they found out, several of the monsters that were set loose—a product of when Peridot accidentally let the Member Berries get into the temple several months ago—had taken refuge in the strange and magical land of Canada. Some of them even started to adapt their environment. They had become hardier, craftier, gassier, and they needed to be brought back to the temple ASAP.

The particular monster they were following was fast, but otherwise seemed harmless. Garnet hoped it would lead them to its leader, so they could finally bring it home. The Crystal Gems followed the monster down Canada's only road, a very long road which took travelers from one end of Canada to the other. Amethyst looked around while they followed.

"Man. Canada kind of sucks," she muttered. "Everything looks so crappy and rushed."

"Amethyst, don't be rude," Pearl scolded. "Canada has a very long and interesting history. It all started when fur traders from the Netherlands–" she bumped into Garnet. "Why are we stopping?"

Garnet stared very seriously at the sight up ahead. "End of the road," she said. Pearl and Amethyst looked around her. Pearl gasped.

A ruined city stood in front of them.

"This must be Toronto…" Pearl said, horrified.

"What's left of it, anyway," Amethyst corrected. "Man. The President's kind of a cu-"

"Welcome, buddy!" an ash-covered Canadian man wearing a trash can for armor said, jumping out from behind a rock and scaring the shit out of Pearl.

"AH, jeez!" Pearl shouted, clutching her chest.

"Welcome to New Toronto!" the man repeated, marching out to greet the visitors. "I'm Dave, the Prime Minister of New Toronto!" The Crystal Gems stared at the large 'D' spray-painted on the man's chest. Amethyst snorted.

"Amethyst," Pearl chided. "Uh, pleased to meet you, Dave! You have a very lovely… settlement."

"Really? I think it's kind of shitty!" Prime Minister Dave disagreed. "You guys wouldn't happen to be a gang of pillaging, killing, raping raiders would you?"

"Heavens, no!"

"Hey everyone!" Prime Minister Dave shouted into the ruined city. "You guys can come out! They aren't going to rape us!"

The Crystal Gems stared in awe as dozens of Canadians stepped out of the ruins. Some wore primitive armor. Some wore leather. Some wore tattered remains of their original clothing. All of them had letters on their torsos.

"I-is it true?" one woman asked.

"They aren't going to rape us?" another man remarked. "It's a miracle!"

The crowd of Canadians surrounded the Crystal Gems. Pearl glanced around, unsure of what to say. "Uh… greetings, Canadians! We're, uh… we're the Crystal Gems! We're here in search of a monster that is hiding in your city!"

"A monster?" Prime Minister Dave asked. "That's no good. No doubt all of the radiation pissed it off. Why don't I show you around town, then I can help you find the monster?"

The Crystal Gems all looked at each other, and collectively shrugged. "Lead the way," Garnet said, gesturing for Prime Minister Dave to show them around. "Quite the city you've got here."

"Yes, well, after the bombs fell, and millions were killed—most of them women, children, and puppies—a lot of Old Toronto's surviving citizens decided to move elsewhere in Canada." Prime Minister Dave glared. "Those guys are dicks with no loyalty to their city! Those of us that remained founded New Toronto, an independent commune! That's Sally, the Prime Minister. She runs the general supply store!" Pearl raised an eyebrow. "That's Brett, the Prime Minister! He's the founder of Ammu-Canada, the weapons shop! That's Tim, the Prime Minister! He's the farmer!"

Pearl raised her hand. "Question."

"Proceed."

"Why are there four Prime Ministers?"

"Everyone's Prime Minister around here, buddy!" Prime Minister Dave exclaimed. "When we decided to rebuild society, we needed to find a Prime Minister! But everybody wanted to be Prime Minister, and nobody could decide who the Prime Minister should be. So the Council of Presidents decided for us, and made everybody Prime Minister!" Prime Minister Dave continued on, but that explanation only left Pearl with more questions.

"What's the Council of–"

"Let's not go down this rabbit hole," Amethyst cut her off.

"That's Mark, the Prime Minister! This is Other Dave, the Prime Minister. That's Hank, the Prime Minister." Eventually, the group came to a young Canadian woman with brunette hair and her two children. "And this is my lovely wife, Jan. The Prime Minister. Before the bombs fell, she was my sister."

Amethyst recoiled. "Eugh!"

"In Old Toronto, this would have been taboo. But this new society is far less judgemental," Dave explained. "From beneath the ashes, our love flourished, and we now have two beautiful daughters."

Amethyst stared at the two children. "Hey, wait. Toronto was nuked last month."

"Yes."

"Doesn't it take more than a month to make two kids?"

Dave stared at Amethyst blankly. "Anyway, over here is where the Council of Presidents meets. Prime Ministers aren't allowed inside. Those are the rules." He stared at the building. "Would you like to enter?"

Pearl blinked. "But you just said-"

"You three aren't Prime Ministers, so technically you can go wherever the fuck you want."

Garnet shrugged and tried the knob. "It's locked."

"Hmm. That isn't right," Dave said. "Nobody ever said it was locked."

"And yet you haven't been inside?" Pearl asked incredulously.

"Well, no. Prime Ministers aren't allowed inside. Those are the rules, remember?" The Crystal Gems exchanged confused looks, before hearing another Canadian yell at them.

"AY! Who the fuck are they!" he yelled. Everyone turned around to see where it was coming from. A taller-than-average Canadian human stomped towards the Crystal Gems. Spiked, brown hair sat atop his strangely phallic head, and he wore a red tie over a brown shirt. Below the tie, an 'S' was embroidered on his torso.

"Who is that?" Pearl asked Dave.

"That's Scott," Dave replied. "He's a dick. He was just a normal dick, but when the bombs fell, all of the radioactive fallout mutated him, and he became a giant dick."

Scott the Dick marched over to Dave. "You're the dick! You know how the Council of Presidents feels about outsiders!"

"Hey, relax, guy!" Dave responded. "My new friends here are looking for a monster."

"Well look somewhere else, buddy!" Scott said, turning to the Crystal Gems. "There aren't any monsters here, in New Toronto!"

Dave glared at Scott. "You know Scott, you need to stop being such a dick. Just because the Council of Presidents made you the ambassador doesn't mean you're above everyone else!"

"Yes it does. Ambassadors are above Prime Ministers on the New Toronto hierarchy," Scott pointed out.

The discussion confused Pearl. "This structure doesn't make any sense…" she muttered.

"Well, whatever!" Dave argued. "It still doesn't give you the right to be such a cock waffle!"

"Ay! Fuck you, buddy!" Scott yelled. "You're the cock waffle!"

"I'm not your buddy, guy!"

"I'm not your guy, friend!"

"I'm not your friend, buddy!"

"What's going on?" Pearl asked, still confused. "Am I having a stroke? Is that what's going on?"

Scott the Dick looked really pissed off. "You guys are assholes! If these invaders aren't gone in one hour, I'm telling the Council of Presidents!" He marched off angrily, glaring at several of New Toronto's residents as he made his exit. Prime Minister Dave glared back at him.

"That guy is such a penis!" he yelled. "I'm so sorry you had to see that, buddy. You see, when he was a boy, Scott's mother didn't love him enough, but she didn't quite hate him enough to drown him in a river, as is customary of all Canadians who are destined to grow up to be total fuck-ups."

"You said he was the ambassador?" Pearl asked. "What does that mean?"

"He's the middle man, between the Prime Ministers and the Council of Presidents," Dave explained. "He's the only one who's met with the Council."

This baffled Pearl even more. "Wait, wait, none of you have EVER met one of the Presidents?"

"No."

"Only Scott has seen them."

"Yes."

Pearl glared at Dave. "And this doesn't make you a LITTLE suspicious?"

"It is rather strange that only Scott would be allowed to meet them," Garnet mused.

"Yes, well, be that as it may, it's against the rules to speak out against the Presidents," Dave said.

"And who ENFORCES those rules?" Pearl asked.

"Well, Scott does. He's a dick."

"And HOW does he enforce those rules?"

Dave simply stared back at Pearl. "What- what do you mean?"

Pearl was getting really frustrated. These people were literally oppressing THEMSELVES. "I mean, what gives Scott the power to punish you if you break those rules?"

"If we break a rule, he tells the Council of Presidents on us and it goes on our permanent record. That's our punishment."

"HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SEEN THEM!" Pearl shouted. "Am I the only one who sees a problem with this?!"

"Whoa, calm down, P," Amethyst chuckled, holding her hands up. "No need to get all-"

"I CAN'T calm down!" Pearl turned around and glared at the building which supposedly housed the Council of Presidents. "This city doesn't make any sense! Why is everyone the Prime Minister? Why is there a secret Council of Presidents which may or may not exist? Why does everyone in this city listen to a human named 'Scott the Dick'? WHY DOES DAVE HAVE TWO CHILDREN WITH HIS SISTER?!"

Jan crossed her arms. "You sound very judgmental to me, buddy," she said indignantly.

"NO, YOU!" Pearl shouted. Garnet put a hand on her shoulder.

"We have a mission here, Pearl," she said. "We can't afford to get distracted."

"But-!" Pearl was cut off by Garnet again.

"I agree, everything about this is absurd," Garnet assured Pearl that she was not crazy. "But finding that monster is our top priority."

Amethyst nodded. "Yeah. Canadians are kind of weird anyway, it's not like this is anything new."

Dave glared at Amethyst. "Hey! I resent that! I find that racist."

"So, Garnet's right," Amethyst continued. "Until we find that monster-"

"You are a racist, madam!"

The Crystal Gems stared at Prime Minister Dave for a moment before resuming their conversation. "Until we find that monster, nothing else matters," Amethyst finished her thought. "Just let them do their Canada thing."

Pearl let out a frustrated sigh. "Fine. Let's just focus on finding that monster."

Garnet turned to Dave. "Are there any… abandoned ruins or buildings in Toronto that it might be hiding in?"

Dave placed a hand to his chin and hummed. "Hmm. Well, there is the old Big Donut corporate headquarters. Nobody's been in there since the bombs fell!"

Amethyst narrowed her eyes. "Whoa, the Big Donut's Canadian?"

"Sure it is!" Dave confirmed. As he and the Crystal Gems walked, he explained Big Donut's corporate structure. "You see, Big Donut was founded in 1964 by Miles 'Big' Donut, a hockey player from Ontario. He played for the Toronto Maple Leafs until he was mauled by a dire bear in 1974." Dave stopped and turned to Amethyst. "You know what a dire bear is, right? It's like a bear, only dire."

"He died fighting a bear? That's so cool," Amethyst said.

"Well, no. You see, when Miles got to the hospital, he was given a blood transfusion from a man with Dire AIDS."

"And that was what did him in?" Pearl asked.

"I'm not finished. Fortunately, founding Big Donut left Miles with enough cash to cure him of his Dire AIDS." Dave sighed sadly. "Then, when he left the hospital, he was hit by a drunk driver."

Pearl shook her head. "Drunk driving is a terrible thing."

"Can I finish? Hello? Can I finish?" Dave glared at Pearl for a moment before returning to his story. "Anyway, after getting out of the hospital a second time, US President Gerald Ford ordered a hit on Miles, because Big Donut was moving into the US and threatening to put Dunkin Donuts out of business with their superior Canadian service."

"Somehow, I believe that the President of the United States would be behind that," Pearl grumbled.

"CAN I FINISH? PLEASE, CAN I FINISH?" The trio stared at Dave, shocked by his outburst. His angered glare, however, was soon replaced with a much more neutral expression. "Alright. I'm finished. The outrage the assassination sparked actually helped drive Big Donut into America, and now they have locations worldwide. Anyway, here we are."

The group had come to a stop in front of a medium-sized corporate office building. Or, what was left of it, anyway. The building was severely dilapidated. Windows were shattered, walls were crumbling, the building's internal support structure had revealed… Despite this, the Big Donut's trademark "BD" bitten donut logo, though clearly worn down, was still firmly attached at the top of the building.

"The building must have been on the outer edges of the blast…" Garnet observed. "It's certainly one of the most intact buildings around."

"Yup! Ground Zero was that crater you saw on you way in!" Dave explained. "Would you like to know what was there before?"

Pearl cringed. "I'm not sure I-"

"A children's hospital," Prime Minister Dave said, ignoring Pearl. "Lots of sick kids in there. I mean, there were. Not anymore. They were all vaporized immediately by the nuclear detonation." The Canadian man fell silent for a moment, before directing his blank stare back at Garnet. "Nice government you've got down there."

Pearl shook her head. "Oh, uh, w-we're not really affiliated with any nation," she corrected. "We sort of do our own thing."

"Oh, I see," Dave nodded. "I didn't realize you were British. My apologies."

"Well, no, we're-" Pearl began to speak, but Garnet cut her off.

"If you recap our entire backstory, at least leave out the filler," the fusion quipped.

"The filler is important!" Pearl argued. "There's nothing wrong with filler."

"In moderation. But forty weeks of filler out of fifty-two is inexcusable."

Pearl sighed. "Let's just agree to disagree and get on with our mission."

"HEY!" Scott the Dick shouted, having returned. "Are you showing them the fucking Big Donut headquarters?!"

"Don't be such an ass-munching splooge guzzler, Scott, they're looking for a monster." Dave responded.

"YOU'RE THE ASS-MUNCHING SPLOOGE GUZZLER!" Scott countered. "What if these are American spies, here to take our trade secrets?"

"Lick my balls, Scott, they're British."

Scott closed his eyes, enraged by what he was hearing. He stomped back towards towards downtown. "The Council of Presidents will hear about this!"

The Crystal Gems and Dave waited for Scott to leave. Once he was gone, Dave turned to the Gems. "He's really pissed off now. You guys are in a lot of shit."

"What did WE do?" Amethyst asked.

"He's going to tell the Council of Presidents on you," Dave explained. "That's the punishment."

Pearl rolled her eyes and started walking towards the door. "Yes, well, I think we can handle being told on to the 'Council of Presidents'," she said, utilizing air quotes. "We've dealt with malicious, vague shadow councils before." She opened the door. "After you." Dave nodded and entered the building. Garnet and Amethyst followed, and Pearl entered last.

The building looked just as bad on the inside as it did on the outside. Computers were knocked over, doors were partially collapsed, walls were caved in, foliage had grown into the building… it looked like this building had been abandoned for two centuries, not a month.

Pearl looked around. "Hmm. Lots of overgrowth." She turned to Garnet. "You don't think-"

"We can't rule out the possibility that we're dealing with a corrupted Granite soldier," Garnet replied. "That would explain the overgrowth, it's ability to split itself into several monsters, and the fact that it took refuge in Canada."

"What's that last one got to do with anything?" Amethyst asked, tilting her head.

Pearl hesitated. "There was- back when Gems occupied Earth, there was a faction that embraced the land that would eventually become Canada as its home," she explained. "So much so, in fact, that Homeworld tried to get a Canadian Kindergarten going. Obviously, before they could finish preparing it, the war… uh, ended."

"That's why warp pads exist in Canada at a two-to-one ratio," Garnet continued Pearl's thought. "A great deal of Gem history happened in Canada. Granite was one of the Gems types that seemed to be so fond of Canada. For whatever reason."

"Huh."

Dave stared blankly at the Crystal Gems. "You three are fuckin' weird," he stated plainly. "Anyway, it appears the elevator is broken, so we'll have to make our way up the shaft."

Amethyst snorted, but held in her laugh when Pearl shot her an annoyed glare. Pearl looked back at Dave. "Can't we just use the stairs?" she asked.

"No, no, stairs are against the rules," Dave stated matter-of-factly.

"Says who?"

"The Council of Presidents, don't you pay attention?"

Pearl rolled her eyes. "Right, right, the Council of Presidents. You know, these laws—and you'll have to excuse my abrasive language here—these laws are all very dumb."

"They aren't laws. They're rules."

"What's the difference?"

"Americans have LAWS. Canadians have RULES."

By this point, Pearl has resigned herself to the ridiculousness and refused to push the subject any further. She couldn't wait to get out of Canada. "Alright. Fine. Let's scale the elevator shaft."

Dave and the Crystal Gems climbed through an access hatch into the elevator shaft.

"Okay buddy, so here's what we're going to do." Dave gestured up the corridor. "Scaling this shaft is going to be very long, and very hard." Amethyst started to snicker. "Fortunately, the way up to the shaft's head is rather straightforward, and these cables are rather stiff." Amethyst snickered even harder. "In addition, the walls are covered in ladders, used for emergency access, so if all else fails, remember; grip the shaft."

Amethyst, having found herself unable to contain her amusement any longer, burst out into very loud laughter. She continued to laugh while they climbed the long shaft and made their way up to the head. "Guys… guys… ahaha… even the narrator's in on the joke!"

"Who?" Pearl asked, shooting a look down at Amethyst.

"Oh, haha, just don't even worry about it… grip the shaft…" Amethyst muttered, still laughing.

Finally, the group made it to the top floor, where the overgrowth was somehow worse than it was on the ground floor. Dave stepped around all of the vines and other foliage, looking around curiously. "Well now," he said. "That's not something you see every day, buddy."

"It means we're getting closer to the monster," Garnet confirmed. "Keep an eye out."

"I know what it means," Amethyst grumbled. "I- I didn't forget."

"You know, friend, I've heard rumors that–" Dave couldn't finish his story, as something jumped out at him and tackled him. "HEY! HEY! I wasn't fucking finished, buddy! Get this fucking thing off of me!"

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl yelled in surprise. Amethyst retrieved her whip and snapped it at the attacker. She pulled it off of Dave and towards the Crystal Gems. It was disgusting. It was horrifying. It was…

Almost human looking.

"Hey! What's the big idea, buddy?!" the man shouted. Was it a man? They couldn't tell. His hair was falling out, his beady eyes looked slightly melted, and his skin was rotting off. He looked more like a zombie than a man.

"It's another Canadian!" Pearl observed. "My stars, what HAPPENED to you?"

"Your backwards President, that's what happened to me!" the man answered. "I used to be the Vice President of Franchise Management at Big Donut. When the bombs fell, I was right here, in my office. The blast burned me and left me blind in one eye. The burns could have healed by now, but guess what? Then the radioactive fallout came! My flesh started decomposing, my hair started falling out, and I almost went blind in the other eye too." He paused. "Have you guys ever played Fallout? I'm like one of the ghouls from that game."

Pearl nodded. "So you must have attacked us because you're angered that you've become a hideous monster."

"No, I attacked you because the radiation decomposed my brain to the point that I'm totally fucking wild and feral, and I have no idea what's going on around me."

The Crystal Gems weren't sure if that was a joke or not. Pearl glanced between her friends uncomfortably. "Are… are you serious?"

"I assure you, I am being completely serious," the VP responded. "Being feral sucks ass. Rawr."

By this point, Garnet had finished searching the room. "No corrupted Gems in here," she concluded. "It must be somewhere else."

"Where else COULD it be?" asked Amethyst.

"I know where it could be," Pearl responded, glaring between everyone. "The one place we aren't ALLOWED to look." She walked back towards the elevator.

"Where are you going?" Dave asked.

"I'm going to pay the 'Council of Presidents' a little visit."

"Wait!" the VP stopped her. "Take me with you. Perhaps this 'Council of Presidents' knows the cure to feralism."

"But buddy!" Dave said. "It's against the rules."

"I'm feral. I don't follow the rules because I don't know any better."

"Well, I can't let you guys break the rules!" Dave argued, stepping in front of the group. "Not alone. We all have to stick together. You're all my buddies, friends, and guys."

"We barely know y-"

"Shh," Amethyst shushed Pearl.

Scott the Dick stood in front of the Office of the Council of Presidents. This was about the time that he usually just stood here, watching for intruders, because he was a dick who didn't like fun. He glared forwards as the Crystal Gems, followed by Prime Minister Dave and the Vice President of Franchise Management at Big Donut, approached the building.

"Just so you know, I told the Council of Presidents on you assholes," Scott said.

"You're a dick, Scott!" Dave shouted. "Move out of our way, we're here to see the Council!"

"Hey! Fuck you, buddy, you're the dick!" Scott yelled back. "Seeing the Council is strictly against the rules for all Prime Ministers!" The VP shoved Scott to the side. "Hey, what are you doing?!"

"Don't blame me, I'm feral!" the VP shouted.

"The Council will hear about this!"

"They sure will," Garnet said, smiling slightly. With Scott out of the way, she was able to punch the doors down, allowing everyone to get inside.

"Don't you go in there!"

"Eat a grilled dick sandwich, Scott, you're a cum dumpster!" Dave said as the group walked past Scott.

"You're the cum dumpster! You're breaking all of the rules right now! I'm telling!" Scott followed the group into the building.

"I can't wait to give those Presidents a piece of my mind…" Pearl grumbled.

"Remember the mission, Pearl!" Garnet said. "We have to find that monster first."

"Uh, guys?" Amethyst pointed to the walls, where gemless creatures of various sizes were scurrying along.

"We must be getting close!" Garnet said as the group ran further down the hallway. Finally, they came across another door, and ran through it. The group skidded to a halt once they were in the next room. Just as Garnet had suspected, Granite was right in front of them.

This was no corruption, however. This was the real deal, one which the Crystal Gems had dealt with before. Her beady eyes and her flappy head were just as they remembered.

"G-Granite?!" Pearl stepped back in shock. "You're alive?"

"Sure I am, buddy!"

Dave raised his eyebrows. "You know one of the Presidents?"

"One of us? She knows ALL of us!" Granite said. "Come on out, friends!" From the shadows stepped two more Gems, both of them Canadian in appearance.

"Citrine? Canadian Pearl?!" Pearl was taken completely by surprise. She had thought them shattered, or worse, centuries ago during the war. "How?!"

"Canadian Rose Quartz saved us from the Corrupting Light with her Maple Shield!" Granite said cheerfully. "If it wasn't for her, we'd be goners right aboot now!"

"And where is SHE?"

Suddenly, the three Canadian Gems looked more somber. Canadian Pearl started to cry in a very Canadian way (that being that she let out flatulence in between sobs).

"She… she didn't make it," Granite said, voice full of sorrow. "You see, in 1981, she met a handsome young Canadian man."

"THAT BASTARD!" Canadian Pearl sobbed.

"This human knocked her up, and nine months later she gave up her physical form to bring the bastard child into this world."

Pearl gave them a sad look. "I'm sorry. I know what that's like."

"That's not even the worst part!" Citrine said. "The human she became was Seth Rogen."

Pearl looked a little less sad. "Excuse me?"

Suddenly, Seth Rogen stepped out into the light. His beady eyes and flappy head would have been a joyful expression to most Canadians. To the Crystal Gems, however, he just looked Canadian. He wore glasses with rectangular frames and a t-shirt with a simplistic marijuana leaf on it. A beard covered his square chin. "Nice to meet you, buddy!"

"Seth, go back to your corner," Granite commanded.

"Sure thing, guy." Seth Rogen went back to his corner.

"Can somebody please explain to me what the fuck is going on here?!" Dave yelled. "Why do you know the Council of Presidents?!"

"Because they were Crystal Gems, a long time ago," Pearl said, now glaring at Granite. "They were so good at rebelling, however, that they rebelled against US during the war."

"Rose Quartz was an asshole!" Granite shouted. "We refused to work with her and her asshole war criminal ways!"

"Rose did what had to be done!" Pearl yelled back. "What about you, huh? All your Rose ever did was fart on people!"

"Yeah! It was fuckin' funny, watch!" Granite looked into the shadows. "Seth! Seth, get over hyah!" Seth Rogen stepped back out into the light. The Canadian Crystal Gems took turns farting in his face, much to his dismay. "Okay, go back into your corner." Seth Rogen sadly walked back into the shadows.

"Granite!" Garnet yelled. "Why have you enslaved these Canadians?!"

"Enslaved?" Granite looked confused. "What the fuck are you talking about? The Prime Ministers are allowed to do whatever they want, guy."

"So long as they don't break the rules," Garnet corrected. "If they break the rules, Scott the Dick tells on them."

"That's their punishment," Granite said flatly. "That's literally their ONLY punishment. We don't do anything to them and there's nothing stopping them from breaking the rules."

"They live in FEAR!" Pearl accused.

"Well, that's their fault. Their imaginations run wild." Granite, Citrine, and Canadian Pearl jumped down onto the same level as the Crystal Gems and approached them. "I don't like you telling me how to rule my kingdom, buddy."

"I'm not your buddy, guy," Pearl growled.

"WELL I'M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!" Granite shouted in her face.

Amethyst had a huge grin on her face during this entire argument. "No way…" she muttered, trying her hardest not to burst out into laughter. "There's no way this is happening…"

"Granite," Pearl warned, "let the people of New Toronto go. Now."

"Make me."

"I will."

"Oh yeah? How? What are you gonna do, shatter me?"

"You know I would never-"

"Your scissor sister seemed okay with it," Granite snarled. "Rose Quartz LOVED to shatter other Gems."

"You take that back! She did not LOVE it!" Pearl yelled.

"She didn't love you either." This was the straw that broke the camel's back. With a yell, Pearl tackled Granite.

"Hey!" Scott the Dick yelled. "You can't tackle the fucking President! That's against the fucking rules! Who the fuck does that?!"

A full-on brawl broke out between the Crystal Gems and their Canadian counterparts. Pearl took on Granite, Amethyst tussled with Canadian Pearl, and Garnet fought Citrine. Dave punched Scott in the face, and the VP tackled Seth Rogen.

"You Crystal Gems are all the same!" Granite yelled in between blows. "Always resorting to violence!" She raised a stone-covered arm to counter Pearl's spear, then punched her square in the jaw.

"You can't defeat me!" Scott yelled. "We're evenly match-" Dave clocked Scott, causing him to fall over. "Fuck you, Dave," Scott said as he hit the ground, unconscious.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" the group heard Seth Rogen shout. The VP had him in a headlock. "Get this asshole off of me, buddy!"

"I can't help myself, I've gone feral!" the VP shouted back. Seth Rogen elbowed him and escaped, running out of the building before anyone could catch him.

Garnet and Amethyst fought their opponents back-to-back. Citrine and Canadian Pearl ran at them, and they both pulled a reversal, sending their enemies flying into each other. Amethyst squeezed them with her whip, poofing both of them.

Pearl gained the upper hand in her fight and knocked Granite over. She pinned her at the neck with a spear. "Last chance, Granite," Pearl warned. "Let these people go, and take back what you said about Rose Quartz."

"Fuck Rose Quartz!" Granite spat. "She's a fucking asshole!"

"What she did during the war was necessary, if unpleasant," Pearl argued, narrowing her eyes. "Why can't you see that?"

"I'm not talking about THAT war, dummy."

"What?"

"Oh. Oh, I see." Granite smirked. "Rose Quartz never told you what she did to the innocent people of Canada, did she?"

"What are you talking about?"

"She didn't tell you! Haha! So much for love, buddy!"

"You better start making some sense."

Granite struggled against the spear. "Whatever. It doesn't matter now. If you put us in your little burning room, that would be a big mistake."

"Right."

"I mean it. You would be fulfilling another part of the prophecy. And you do NOT want to fuck with the prophecy."

"What prophecy?"

"Fuck you. Like you don't know the fucking prophecy." Granite leaned forward, so that her face was almost touching Pearl's. "Just know this; it was all started by your Rose Quartz. And if you continue down the same path she did, buddy, you'll only be bringing it closer to fruition. A war is coming, Pearl. One the likes of which you have never see-" Pearl poofed her before the end of her threat. Her last words—an angered "CAN I FINISH?!"—echoed through the room.

"What the 'h', P?!" Amethyst yelled. "I wanted to hear the end of that!"

"Oh, it was all baloney anyway," Pearl said. "She was just trying to save her own skin so she could keep oppressing these Canadians."

"Well, YEAH, but it was still a cool story." Amethyst raised an eyebrow as Pearl and Garnet went to go bubble the Canadian Gems. "Whoa, whoa, hold on. What are you doing?"

"Sending them back to the temple," Pearl shrugged. "Why?"

"You can't do that, they're… like us. Almost. Sort of."

"You didn't know these three," Garnet replied. "If left unchecked, they could do some real damage. We'll consider letting them go later on, under strict supervision, like Peridot, but until then, it's best if they stay put."

Amethyst glared suspiciously at Garnet and Pearl. "Alright then…" she muttered. She had no reason to believe Garnet or Pearl were lying to her, so she decided to drop it.

Rose, on the other hand? She hid a lot of nasty secrets, even from the other Crystal Gems. Even from Pearl. So if Garnet and Pearl were acting based on something Rose Quartz told them centuries ago, it was natural to be cautious—and even a little suspicious. Steven wouldn't have stood for this, she knew that for a fact. So if worse came to worse, she knew where to go.

But it wouldn't come to that… right?

"So, uh, what do we do now?" Dave asked.

"What do you mean?" Pearl responded. "You're free now, you can do whatever you want."

The Crystal Gems left. A worried look came on Dave's face. "But being free is against the rules…" he muttered.

Once they left New Toronto, the Crystal Gems made their way to and stepped on the warp pad. "Thank goodness that's over," Pearl said. "Let's never come to Canada again, okay? This is a terrible, horrible place."

Amethyst wasn't sure she agreed. Her worries left with her, however, as the group teleported back into the Temple.


	5. Chapter 5: Franchise Reboot

**_PREVIOUSLY ON: SOUTH PARK_**

The entire town of South Park gathered in the cemetery. Friends. Family. Neighbors. Everyone mourned, for one they loved so dearly was tragically taken from them. At the center of the park was a casket, and in front of the casket were several flowers, a few candles, and a photograph of the departed; Craig Tucker.

Priest Maxi addressed the townspeople from his podium. "Today, we mourn the tragic loss of a boy I know touched many hearts in South Park," he announced. "Student. Friend. Lover. Brother. These are the words that describe Craig Tucker, whose life was cut tragically short after an accident in school. I know I speak for many in our community when I say that Craig touched my heart on a deeply personal level. He left a mark on this community, his friends, his family, his boyfriend…"

Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick, and Tweek Tweak stood at the back of the crowd, dressed in suits. Except for Kenny, who was too poor to afford a suit.

"I can't believe he's gone…" Tweek muttered. "How could we let this happen?"

"I don't know," Cartman responded. "But I do know this is a gap we can never fill."

"Without Super Craig, who will protect the world from injustice?" Tweek asked, although he wasn't speaking to anyone in particular so much as he was wondering aloud. His answer came in the form of a muffled response from Kenny. "What?"

"Mysterion's right, Wonder Tweek," Cartman affirmed. "It's up to us now, to defend South Park in Super Craig's place."

"How the hell are we going to do that?" Tweek twitched.

"We'll assemble a team," Cartman explained. "A team of crime fighters who can defend the world anywhere, any time."

* * *

Cartman approached a bright young girl in a purple sweater and a pink beret in the halls of South Park Elementary. She was putting her bag into her locker. "Wendy Testaburger," he said.

Wendy looked at him. "I don't know you."

"I've heard you know your way around Twitter."

"You must have me mistaken for somebody else."

Cartman acted quickly, retrieving his phone and attempting to troll Wendy on social media. Wendy, however, was much faster, and blocked him before he even had a chance. He tried Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Snapchat, Facebook, and even MySpace. She blocked him on every platform. This pleased him.

"Call Girl," he said, smirking. "Welcome to the Freedom Pals."

Call Girl. Secret identity: Wendy Testaburger.

Tupperware. Secret identity: Token Black.

Toolshed. Secret identity: Stan Marsh.

The Human Kite. Secret identity: Kyle Broflovski.

Mosquito. Secret identity: Clyde Donovan.

Fastpass. Secret identity: Jimmy Valmer.

Captain Diabetes. Secret identity: Scott Malkinson. Doctor Timothy. Secret identity: Timmy Burch.

All of them were recruited by The Coon (Eric Cartman), Mysterion (Kenny McCormick), and Wonder Tweek (Tweek Tweak) into the Freedom Pals, a new superhero group dedicated to fighting crime and keeping the streets of South Park safe.

The Freedom Pals, however, were about to meet their match…

 **ROBERT T. POONER PRESENTS**

 **FREEDOM PALS — INFINITY WAR**

 **PART 1**

 **FRANCHISE REBOOT**

 _The Present._

The Freedom Pals convened in their top-secret base in South Park, Colorado. They had received news of a troubling development at City Wok.

"Mongolians have taken over," Coon explained. "As long as they remain there, we can't order any City Chicken or City Beef for take-out."

"Aw, god damn it!" The Human Kite groaned. "I am so sick of pizza."

"All I'm saying is if we could put bacon on the pizza, it would taste a lot better," Coon muttered, glaring at The Human Kite. "Regardless, City Wok is in danger. We have to go help them."

"What's the plan?" Call Girl asked. "I suggest we dox the Mongolians and—"

"Hey guys, I got pizza," Super Craig said as he entered the basement, holding boxes of pizza. "No bacon. Because, you know," he gestured to Human Kite.

Coon glared at Super Craig. "Super Craig. You're supposed to be dead, remember?"

Super Craig shrugged. "Being dead got boring, so I just decided to revive or something."

"No, you can't do that, you have to STAY dead until at least the final act."

"Aw, come on, dude," Super Craig complained. "Sitting in my room all day waiting for you guys to get the seven fucking Dragon Balls so I can come back to life is bullshit. Plus my dad gets mad when I just sit inside all day."

"Super Craig, you are NOT just going to come back to life in the first five minutes!" Coon argued. "This movie has to be sweet and you're ruining it! If you die at the end of the last movie and then come back at the beginning of the next one, there's no fucking suspense!"

"What if I was alive the whole time and you all just thought I was dead?"

"Does this look like Sonic Forces to you, Super Craig?" Super Craig and Coon glared at each other for a moment. Their conflict, however, was cut short by a FaceTime call from an iPad that had been duct-taped to the inside of a cardboard box. "The Freedom Phone!" Coon yelled. "Somebody must be in trouble!" he ran over to it to pick up the call. "Beep beep, boop, boop, okay, I think we're through. This is Freedom Pals."

On the screen was a very nervous looking Professor Chaos… except he wasn't in costume. He was dressed in his civilian secret identity, Butters Stotch. This pissed off Coon immensely.

"O-oh, uh, heya, fellas…" Butters muttered.

"Butters, why aren't you in costume?" Coon asked, glaring.

"Uh, something came up," Butters replied, apprehensively tapping his fists together. "C-can you guys come meet me at the Chaos Lair? As soon as possible? It's important."

Coon rolled his eyes. "Alright Butters, whatever you say." He hung up the call and glared at the floor. "Son of a bitch. Alright guys, change of plans, Butters is being a fucking asshole and wants us to meet him at Circuit City."

"It could be a trap," Call Girl wisely pointed out. "Something about this seems fishy to me."

"Hmm. You're right. It could be a trap," Coon hummed. "Alright. Let's head out, team!" The Freedom Pals ran up the stairs, excited to run right into a trap.

* * *

Butters stood in front of Circuit City, looking really, really nervous. Like he was anticipating something bad happening. He glanced up, and saw the Freedom Pals approaching him.

"Alright Professor Chaos," Mysterion said. "We're here. What did you want?"

Butters realized that everyone was probably here to kick his ass, but he didn't care. This was way more important. "Trent Boyett's getting released from Juvenile Hall," he said rather abruptly.

Coon raised his eyebrows. "W-what?"

"He got a Presidential Pardon," Butters sighed. "He's getting out early."

"Why?" The Human Kite asked. "Why should we trust you? The President knows exactly how dangerous Trent Boyett is, he would never—"

"He tweeted about it," Butters said, pulling out his phone.

 _That gaywad judge who convicted Trent Boyett didn't know what he was doing. I'm going to pardon him for being such a patriot. Make America Great Again!_

Coon, Mysterion, Toolshed, and Human Kite all stared at the tweet, a terrified look on all of their faces. "No…" Toolshed muttered. "There's no way…"

"Trent Boyett's getting out?" Super Craig asked. "Well I don't want to be seen with any of you guys, then."

"Yeah dude, fuck this!" Wonder Tweek said. "I don't want to fucking die because of something YOU GUYS did." He and Super Craig left.

"Screw you guys," Tupperware said, "I'm going home." He left as well.

"See you in h-h-hell, C-Coon and Friends!" Fastpass and Timothy left.

Clyde took off his costume altogether. "Yeah, you guys are screwed." He left with Captain Diabetes

Call Girl was the only one left. She looked at Toolshed. "Sorry, Stan," she said, before leaving as well.

"What the- what the fuck?!" Coon watched as his friends abandoned him. "So much for fucking loyalty to your fucking team, you fucking assholes! Jesus Christ!"

"What are we going to do, dude?" Human Kite asked. "We're going to die. We're going to fucking die. Trent Boyett wants us dead."

"Look, we all just have to calm down–"

"I can't calm down, Cartman! Don't you remember what we did to him!"

The boys thought back. It all seemed so long ago.

* * *

 _Trent Boyett was being dragged away by police. Just moments ago, in an act of self defense, Eric Cartman fired a taser gun at the bully. Unfortunately, he had missed, and instead hit Ms. Claridge, their completely paralyzed former preschool teacher who had been badly burned in an accident years ago. And now, it had happened again._

" _So, Trent, you just had to finish off your old preschool teacher, eh?" asked one officer. Trent turned to face Cartman, Kenny, Stan, and Kyle._

" _No!" he protested. "They did it!" Trent pointed to the boys._

 _The boys were silent for a moment. They all looked at each other, unsure of what to say._

" _Trent Boyett is a liar, sir," Cartman said finally._

 _The officer then turned to Ms. Claridge, who communicated only in beeps; one for yes, two for no. "Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you?"_

 _Two beeps. That meant…_

" _Yes, yes," the officer translated. "Take him away!"_

 _The cops hauled Trent away. "No! You've gotta listen to me!" he yelled as he was dragged away._

" _Dude," Kyle said, "when he gets out he's gonna be REALLY mad!"_

 _Cartman scoffed. "Whatever, that's like five years from now!"_

" _Yeah," Stan agreed. "Who cares?"_

* * *

Back in the present, the boys shuddered. "And now here we are," the Coon muttered. "Much less than five years later." He glanced at his companions. "Wait, that can't be right, wasn't Bush the President back then?"

"It doesn't matter, dude," Toolshed said. "When Trent Boyett gets out, we're all dead meat."

"W-well, there is one way we could stop him," Butters murmured. "I mean… you all are playing superheroes, and…"

"Butters. Don't be retarded. That's make-believe," Cartman chastised, having fully dropped his superhero persona. "Trent Boyett is going to kill us for real. In the REAL world."

"W-well, you know, it just got me thinking…" Butters sighed. "We know some REAL superheroes, don't we?"

"The Super Best Friends?" Kyle asked, tilting his head.

"No, I was thinking something a little more… alien." Butters hoped they were catching on. "REALLY alien."

Stan raised his eyebrows. "What, you mean those rock people? Uh, the Crystal Gems, or whatever? Do you really think they'd be able to help us?"

"Well, they helped us get the Member Berries out of here, didn't they?"

"Butters might be onto something," Kenny said, still using his Mysterion voice. "They're REAL superheroes."

"AND, they can give us real super protection," Cartman added. "But nobody's seen Lapis Lazuli in town since last week, and we don't know how to get in touch with any of the other ones."

"I do," Butters corrected. "I've been emailing Steven since we met. I could get them to come over here."

"Butters, you NEED to get them to come to South Park," Stan demanded. "Our LIVES depend on it."

"When is Trent Boyett getting out?" Kyle asked.

"In three days," Butters replied.

Cartman nodded. "So we have three days. Butters; you know what to do." With that, he, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turned and walked off.

"I'll try my best, fellas!" Butters yelled after them. "...because if this doesn't work, Trent Boyett is gonna kill ME, too."

* * *

Steven hummed as he flipped his egg. That sure was a good looking egg. He couldn't wait to eat this egg. Yum.

Behind him, at the island, Peridot sat. She was dressed in a bathrobe for some reason, and held a phone to her ear to discuss very important business matters. "Yes, I would like to book one round trip flight from Dulles International Airport to Pyongyang. ...the capital of North Korea, yes, that is correct. ...never mind the reason why." Steven sat down next to her, plate in hand, and just stared while she spoke. "Listen, it's none of your business. Yes, I know they're on the terror watch list, that's why I'm flying there in the first place. What do you mean you don't do flights into North Korea?!"

Peridot slammed her fist on the island. "Listen here, you. I am not in the mood for this. My vastly superior extraterrestrial brain has been in pain for at least a week, because of all of the stress I'm under, so you need to do what I say, or so help me I will MAKE you regret it. I need to- hello?" She pulled the phone away from her ear and stared at the screen. "They hung up on me."

Steven stuffed an egg into his mouth. "Maybe bringing democracy to North Korea is too ambitious, right now," he said while chewing. "Maybe you should start off with something small, like defeating ISIS or totally reversing the effects of climate change." Peridot shot him an annoyed glare. "Hey, I'm just throwing out ideas here. There are a lot of ways to bump up the President's approval rating you know. Besides. It's 2018. Maybe this'll be the year it all turns around for him!"

"Ugh, I'm just going to take a break from that," Peridot sighed. "I've been agonizing over this for nearly two weeks now and I haven't gotten any sleep."

"You don't sleep, period."

"Well, yeah, but still."

"Hey, you know, maybe that's why you keep getting headaches!" Steven pointed out. "Maybe you're just sleep deprived. That's… what, a thousand or so years of no sleep?"

Peridot sank a little. "Uh. Yeah. Sure. A thousand or so years. Let's go with that." She raised an eyebrow as the other Crystal Gems warped in. "Where have you three been?"

"Canada," Garnet stated simply. "It's best we don't discuss it further."

"Canada is TERRIBLE!" Pearl yelled. "I never want to go back."

"Pearl's just butthurt cuz Canadians aren't all serious and angsty like we are," Amethyst laughed. "I think she's tired of fart jokes."

"You can't grow 'tired' of something you never enjoyed in the first place," Pearl protested. "Flatulence has never been funny and it never will be."

"Whatever you say, P."

Steven's phone buzzed. Raising an eyebrow, he picked it up and glanced at his notifications. "Oh, hey, Butters emailed me!"

"Butters?" Peridot asked.

"Yeah, you remember Butters, right?"

"Well, yeah, I 'member." Peridot leaned over to look at the email. "What's he emailing you about? Also, what's email?"

"Hang on, let me read it."

 _From: Leopold Stotch (ProfessorChaosSP at iCloud)_

 _To: Steven Q. Universe (CGUniverse2002 at Gmail)_

 _Subject: Oh, hamburgers!_

 _Howdy Steven! My friends and I are in a bit of a pickle. Could you and the Crystal Gems come on out to South Park ASAP? It's an emergency._

 _Butters_

 _Sent from my iPhone_

"An emergency?" Amethyst asked. "Wonder what that's about."

"I don't think we really have time to be going to South Park…" Pearl murmured. "We have to… uh…"

"We don't have any plans," Garnet corrected. "There's a party going on in Beach City tonight, but we weren't invited."

"Yeah, how come we never get invited to any parties?" Amethyst questioned.

"Most of the townspeople hate us," Peridot said, crossing her arms. "You economically ravage their city ONE TIME, and suddenly that invalidates all of the times you saved their butts."

"Yeah, but like, that's YOUR fault, you're the Turd Sandwich who decided to run for Mayor." Amethyst gestured to herself and the others. "WE didn't do squat."

"I suppose the theme park blows _itself_ up every week?"

Amethyst threw her hands up in the air. "THAT WASN'T OUR FAULT!" she yelled. "Maybe the THEME PARK shouldn't have gotten in our way!"

"Everyone, enough!" Garnet cut that argument short. "Peridot, you are a turd sandwich."

"Hah!" Amethyst laughed.

"And Amethyst, it was 100% your fault that the theme park blew up."

Peridot blew raspberries at Amethyst, wearing a satisfied smirk on her face.

"Now that that's settled, I want you two to hug it out."

"You want me to make physical contact?" Peridot asked, a slight tinge of disgust in her voice. "No thanks. I'm claustrophobic."

"I thought you made that up because you were afraid of accidentally fusing with me," Steven said.

"The lie became real and now I'm ACTUALLY claustrophobic."

"So are we going to South Park or not?" Pearl asked. "I lost track of what we were talking about."

Garnet nodded. "Those boys helped us a great deal several months ago. The least we could do is return the favor." She frowned. "I've also just had a rather disturbing vision involving Kenny, so we'd better get moving."

"Yay, South Park adventure!" Steven exclaimed. Without any more hesitation, the group got onto the warp pad and through it made their way to the Denver pad.

* * *

What remained of the Freedom Pals—once again just Coon and Friends—sat in Eric Cartman's basement. The Coon, Mysterion, Toolshed, and the Human Kite paced the room nervously, awaiting any news at all from Professor Chaos.

"What are we doing still wearing these outfits?!" Kyle asked, after minutes of pacing in silence. "We need to run. We need to cut our losses and ditch town."

"Human Kite, you need to–"

"Enough with the 'Human Kite' bullshit, Cartman!" Kyle grabbed Cartman and shook him violently. "Don't you understand, we are up shit's creek without a paddle!"

"Kyle, you're starting to sound like Tweek."

"I do not sound like Tweek!" Kyle protested. "Agh! Jesus Christ!" he yelled suddenly, twitching. "This is too much pressure, man!"

"You guys, we need to keep our cool," Stan said. "Freaking out about this isn't going to help. If we're going to stand a chance against Trent Boyett, we need to think about things rationally and not let anxiety take control of us."

"Stan's right," Kenny agreed. "We all need to stay calm. We don't even know if the Crystal Gems are coming yet. If they're able to get here in time, Trent Boyett doesn't stand a chance."

Cartman's iPad rang. He ran to it and began a FaceTime call with Butters. "Butters! Butters, did they respond to your email?!"

Butters smiled. "I'll do ya one better! They're right here!"

Steven popped into view. "Hiya, Eric! Remember me?"

"Oh, thank fucking Christ, we're saved!" Cartman yelled. "Steven, we've got a big problem."

"Yeah…." Steven said nervously, glancing behind him. "We've got a bit of a problem too." He swiveled the camera to reveal Butters' dad, standing at the door glaring at the boys.

"Butters! What are you doing on FaceTime?!" he yelled. "I already told you, you and your little friend are GROUNDED, mister!"

Butters sighed. "Sorry, dad."

"When we got here, Peridot smashed a vase by accident, and Butters' dad grounded us all," Steven explained.

"It was an accident!" Peridot could be heard shouting off-camera. "You're not my kindergartener, why are you grounding ME?"

"We split up with the other Gems to try and cover more ground. They're somewhere in town. Could you regroup with them and get us out of here?" Steven blinked. "Hey, those are some cool costumes, are you guys playing superheroes or something?"

Cartman rolled his eyes. "God damn it. Alright, Coon and Friends, move out! We have to find the other Gems, now!" The Coon and Friends ran up the stairs to find the Crystal Gems. Talk about superhero crossovers, huh?

On the other end of the call, Butters' dad was still yelling at Butters, Steven, and Peridot.

"Now I want you three to think long and hard about what you did!" he yelled, before slamming the door shut.

The group stared at the door in silence for a moment. The silence was broken by Peridot, who, coincidentally, also broke a vase. "Clod…" she muttered.

Steven looked to his side, however, and realized that Butters was grinning. "Hey… what's up?"

"What he doesn't realize," Butters muttered, wringing his hands and walking to his closet, "is that he grounded Butters." He started digging through his closet. "His very fatal error came when he neglected to ground…" Butters put on his foil helmet and his cape, and turned around, grinning evilly. "Professor Chaos! Muahahaha!" Butters laughed maniacally and walked to his window.

"Professor Chaos?" Peridot asked. "Does this human have some sort of split personality disorder?"

"Ohhh, I get it!" Steven said, also smiling. "This is part of that superhero game they're all playing! Butters—I mean, Professor Chaos—must be the villain!"

"Precisely, Steven!" Professor Chaos opened his window. "Or should I say… Chaotic Quartz?"

Steven gasped and grasped his cheeks. "You want US to join your game?!"

"Wait, Steven," Peridot warned. "We're the good guys. If Professor Chaos is the bad guy, doesn't that make him our enemy?"

Steven laughed. "Come on, Peridot! What's a superhero movie without a good villain? It's all make-believe!"

"Join me, Peridot," Professor Chaos said evilly. "Together, we can bring an end to Coon and Friends once and for all!"

"Sure, we'll play with you!" Steven said enthusiastically.

"Um. Steven. A word?" Peridot pulled Steven aside. "Of the three people in this room, one of us actually WAS a villain," she said in a hushed tone. "It's not 'fun'. It's not a 'game'. Villainy is serious stuff, and it makes everyone hate you! I don't want people to hate me."

"I dunno Peridot, I think a lot of people even liked you back then," Steven muttered, having remembered all the weirdly flattering fan art that artists in Beach City drew of Peridot when she and Jasper first arrived on Earth. "Besides, none of this is real anyway! So just let loose and have fun with it!"

Peridot glanced back at Professor Chaos and sighed. "Alright, fine. Ahem," she cleared her throat and approached the boy. "Butters–"

"Peridot," Steven said hopefully. Peridot sighed again.

"Professor Chaos. After careful deliberation with my cohort," she said, glancing at Steven, who was smiling and encouraging her with two thumbs up, "I have decided that we will defect from our prior affiliations with the Crystal Gems to join you in your crusade of chaos."

"What's your super villain name?" Steven asked, grinning at Peridot.

"...what."

"Your super villain name! You know, all super villains have to have a cool name and a backstory explaining why they're like that!"

"Can't I just be evil for fun?" Peridot questioned, still not fully grasping the whole 'super villain' angle.

"No, no, see, it you're evil for fun, then you're just a butt," Steven explained. "This makes people sympathize with you and gives your character depth!"

"Well what's YOUR backstory?"

Steven cleared his throat. "My name is Chaotic Quartz. When I was a kid, uh… I… watched my parents get murdered, like Batman."

"Sheesh, a little dark, don't you think?"

"But UNLIKE Batman, I went mad and decided to join the criminal underworld, in hopes that I would find my parents' killer so I could get my revenge!" Peridot raised an eyebrow, but Steven gave her an encouraging look. "Now you try!"

"Okay…" Peridot looked around the room for ideas. "My name… is… Perildot. In my Kindergarten days, I was forsaken by my creator and stranded on this planet. For years, I hoped that she would come back for me, but she never did, and I harnessed that pain, anger, and feeling of abandonment into wrongdoing."

"That- that's a little too real, Peridot."

"No it isn't. Yellow Diamond didn't CREATE me, she just ORDERED my creation indirectly through mandate," Peridot corrected. "And then she murdered all of my sisters because I did the right thing. The REAL story is actually a more compelling villain origin, but you wanted fake, so." She shrugged.

"Ooookayyyy…" Steven tried to bring the subject to a lighter place. "So! Professor Chaos! What's our first misdeed of the day?"

"Excellent question, Chaotic Quartz!" Professor Chaos started to climb out the window. "But first; who knows how to get down without hurting ourselves?"

"I think PERILDOT has us covered!" Steven grinned, elbowing Peridot. "SHE can make metal float."

"She can? Well, in that case…" Chaos glanced at his boots. "Foil counts, right?"

"If it's convenient, yes, foil counts," Peridot said, rolling her eyes.

"Peridot, why aren't you into this?" Steven asked. "Come on, Peridot, this is supposed to be fun!"

"Ugh."

Once the group was down on the ground floor, Butters began marching in the direction of Circuit City. "Come, my cohorts in chaos!" he exclaimed. "Let me show you the Chaos Lair! Muahahaha!"

"This is gonna be fun!" Steven said as he and Peridot followed Butters.

* * *

Coon and Friends walked down the streets of South Park, looking for the Crystal Gems. "Hang on, guys," Cartman stopped. "I know a Crystal Gem mating call."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "No you don't, fatass."

"Yuh huh, Steven taught me! It goes like this." Cartman started crying.

"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?" Stan asked.

Cartman sniffled. "I'm doing a Crystal Gem mating call. S-see, all they do is sing and cry, so if I cry and sing, they'll come running."

Kenny also rolled his eyes. "Garnet can see the future, right?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Kenny retrieved a gun from his pocket and pointed it to his head. "Okay guys, when I pull the trigger, I need you to shout 'Oh my god, they killed Kenny.'"

"Dude!" Stan snatched the gun away from Kenny's head. "Kenny, you need to chill the fuck out, seriously!"

"Oh, NOW you care," Kenny said bitterly. "Fuck you, Stan."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Nothing." It was easy for Kenny to forget that nobody ever fucking remembered.

"Look, I think this Trent Boyett thing has us all on edge," Stan said. "We just need to focus on our mission and not let our fears get the better of us. We're still a team, even if the rest of the Freedom Pals ditched us. And when they see how awesome we are once we join forces with the Crystal Gems, they'll all be begging to come back, like when the Avengers met the Guardians of the Galaxy and the Defenders and everyone came back for one big final showdown. That'll be us, you guys. Our fight with Trent Boyett will be like the second part of Infinity War, when everyone bands together to defeat Thanos once and for all. And we WON'T include the Fantastic Four. Because Fantastic Four sucks."

"Toolshed's right, you guys," Cartman said encouragingly. "We need to do this mission flawlessly, like Joss Whedon, and not totally fuck it up, like Zack Snyder. Now come on, let's keep looking." The boys walked past a couple of construction workers who were installing a new neon sign on Skeeter's Wine Bar.

"Hey, Dave, could you hand me that—" the sign began to fall. "Aw, shit. Hey, look out below."

The boys ignored it and kept walking, except for Kenny, who stared directly up at the sign that was about to fall on top of him. He sighed and decided to just let it happen.

...but it didn't happen.

Kenny looked back up. Garnet was holding the sign up. She gave him a thumbs up, and he walked out from under it. She then let the sign hit the floor.

"You two should be more careful," Garnet said calmly to the construction workers. "Somebody could get hurt."

"Hey, you know lady, you could have helped me put the sign back up, instead of letting it hit the floor like that." Garnet ignored the man and approached Kenny.

"Are you okay… Mysterion?" she asked.

"Just peachy."

Pearl and Amethyst approached the group. "Good, you found them," Pearl said. "What on earth are you boys wearing?"

"They're superheroes," Garnet explained. "They're on a top-secret mission."

"Superheroes."

"Yes, that is what I just said."

"We're in a lot of trouble," Stan said. "See, when we were in pre-school, we were playing this game. Things got kind of out of hand and our teacher got really badly hurt."

"We feel really bad about it!" Kyle added. "It was an accident!"

"But we weren't the ones who STARTED the fire," Cartman explained. "THAT was Trent Boyett, the baddest, toughest kid in school. Because of THAT, he was sent to juvenile hall."

"And now he wants to kill us, and he's getting released soon," Stan finished.

Garnet frowned. "What exactly was your involvement."

"We thought we could put the fire out," Kenny said. "So that's the whole reason Trent Boyett started it in the first place. Because he thought we'd handle it."

"But he shouldn't have listened to us!" Cartman stressed. "That's on him, dawg."

"And does anyone else know about this?"

"Well, they know he started the fire."

Garnet knelt down. "But does anyone know he started it because of YOU?"

The boys all looked at each other. "Uh, no. No they do not," Stan said.

Garnet nodded. "I see. So Trent Boyett wants to kill you four because you lied to everyone and he took the blame."

"Well, when you say it like that, it makes us sound like assholes," Kyle complained.

"Yeah, we're the victims here!" Stan excused. "Trent Boyett is out for blood! He'd have just lit the school on fire anyway, eventually! We just… sped things along."

Garnet held up a hand. "Accidents happen. I understand that. And we'll still help you. But first, you need to come clean to the rest of the town."

The boys just stared at her. "...what, you mean, like… like, tell the truth?" Stan asked.

"Oh, we can't do that," Kyle said. "No way."

Amethyst shrugged. "I mean, hey, it's not like it's any worse than getting Canada nuked."

Kyle's eyes widened. "You know about that?!"

"Okay, let's get something straight, here," Cartman began. "KYLE told the President to nuke Canada. WE told him to cut it out."

"I did not TELL the President to nuke Canada, Cartman!" Kyle argued. "He did that on his own! That's on HIM!"

"Don't believe his Jew lies," Cartman whispered to the Crystal Gems. "He got a boner from nuking Canada, just like his fat bitch mom."

"Don't call my mom a bitch, fat boy!"

"Don't call me fat, buttfucker!"

"Then don't belittle my mom you fucking fatass!"

"God damn it, I'm not fat, you buttfucking son of a bitch!"

The Crystal Gems watched the exchange, wide-eyed. "Whoa," Amethyst whispered.

"Everyone, calm down," Garnet tried to defuse the situation. "Children. Coming clean about what happened in preschool is the right thing to do. Your friends, your family, your teachers, they deserve to know the truth. Once that's done, we'll help you with Trent Boyett."

Stan sighed. "Alright, alright… fine. We'll tell the truth."

Garnet smiled. "Good. We'll get everything prepared."

"P-prepared?"

"Sure!" Pearl said, cheerfully. "You want as many people to see your confession as possible, right? You're going to need a stage!"

"And lights," Garnet added.

"And cameras, so people can watch it on TV!" Amethyst laughed.

"See you soon, boys!" Pearl said enthusiastically as the Crystal Gems walked away. The boys just stared at them, mouths open wide.

"Aw, fuck," Cartman muttered.

"Dude, we can't tell everyone!" Kyle said. "My mom's gonna kill me!"

Stan looked more worried than ever. "I heard that if you get somebody put in jail, and then it turns out you actually did the thing they put him in jail for, they put YOU in jail for twice as long."

"I can't go to jail, my mom's gonna kill me after I get out!"

"Hah, you mean YOU GUYS are going to jail," Kenny teased. "I'm just gonna kill myself when I get there."

Cartman glared at Kenny. "Hell no you're not, Kenny! If you fucking kill yourself and let US serve the jail time alone, I'll be super pissed!"

"Yeah, we'll just tell the warden that you're gonna do it and they'll put you on suicide watch, asshole," Stan threatened.

"Fine. YOU figure out how to get us out of this." Kenny pointed in the direction of home. "Fuck you guys, I'm going home." Kenny walked off, leaving Coon and Friends with just three members.

"Son of a bitch!" Cartman yelled. "Okay, so either we tell everyone we LIED and go to fucking juvenile hall, or we keep our god damn mouth shut and get the shit kicked out of us by Trent Boyett! I don't know about you guys, but I think that's a SHITTY FUCKING CHOICE!"

"Wait, wait, guys," Stan held a hand up to shut Cartman up. "I have an idea. Lapis Lazuli went to space, right?"

"Yeah dude, she said something about being pushed away by a gay leprechaun," Kyle said. "What's this about?"

"Well why don't we go to space with her?" Stan suggested. "Come on guys, think about it. In space, there's nobody to do any labor. If we're willing to work, she'll HAVE to let us hitch a ride! Then we can go to whatever shithole planet she's going to and spend the rest of our days as space pirates!"

Kyle smiled. "Hey, yeah! We know lots about space piracy!"

"AND we're really buff and can do lots of manual labor!" Cartman added.

Kyle frowned. "Aw, shit. She's probably long gone by now. How the hell are we gonna get her to come back and pick us up?"

"Don't worry about that," Stan dismissed. "I have a plan. What's the ONE thing on Earth that Lapis Lazuli wants more than anything else? The ONE thing she'd come back for, no matter what?" The boys all thought for a moment. "Think about it, you guys. There's only ONE thing on this whole entire PLANET that she cares about. What is it?"

"Corn?" Kyle asked.

"Yes, exactly!" Stan said enthusiastically. "Corn! She had a farm back in Delmarva! So all we have to do is get a shit-ton of corn, and she'll come running back!"

The boys cheered, and ran off to go find corn.

* * *

Steven, Peridot, and Butters approached Circuit City. The windows were boarded up, the sign was dilapidated, homeless people could be found camping around… it looked like it had been abandoned for years. "What is this place?" Peridot asked, looking around in wonder.

"This is a part of human history," Steven explained. "Ancient human history. My ancestors used to go into Circuit City."

"Whoa…"

"And now, I've re-purposed it as my own evil lair!" Butters laughed maniacally. "Here is where I plan all of my misdeeds, like sending pizzas to the wrong houses!"

Peridot rolled her eyes. "You fiend…" she said sarcastically.

Steven frowned. "Peridot."

"Ugh. Yes, Professor Chaos, you're SO evil," Peridot said overdramatically. "Give me more evil."

"Sometimes, I call Carmax to schedule a test drive… and then I never show!" Butters replied.

"Yeah, I don't know, Steven, he might be crossing the line with that one," Peridot snarked. "He's simply TOO evil for us."

It made Steven sad that Peridot wasn't enjoying this as much as he was. "Come on, Peridot. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Peridot grumbled. "Just keep trivializing the things I hated about myself."

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

The group entered the building. Steven looked around. "Wow. You've got this whole place to yourself?" he asked.

"Well, I used to have minions," Butters lamented. "I had to lay them off, because of the economy."

"Ah, that sucks."

"Yup, th-those were some hard-working minions."

Peridot stared at all of the unused equipment. The building itself seemed severely underutilized, and she doubted Butters was putting it to its full potential. She snorted. "What are the computers for?"

"Well, back when I had minions, we used to publish embarrassing stories about Coon and Friends on Facebook," Butters explained. "But now I don't have minions, so we can't try my new plan to post out-of-context GIFs of Coon and Friends."

"You don't NEED minions to do that," Peridot said. "You can just get a bot to do that."

"I-I can?"

"Yes, you can. Here, come look." Peridot sat down at one of the computers and ushered Butters over. "See, look, it's pretty easy, even for your simplistic underdeveloped human adolescent brain. There are several templates on the Internet, but I like to customize most of the code myself. First you just create a bunch of dummy accounts… Okay, give them passwords you're going to remember… now we just open Notepad…"

Steven watched Peridot as she worked, and smiled. It looked like she was finally starting to get into the spirit of the game, whether she realized it or not.

"...paste all of this code… save it, run it as a .bat file… and there!" Peridot opened Twitter so Butters could see. "Now the President has twenty million fake followers."

"Jeeeeeez…"

"That was an extremely basic task," Peridot said. She closed her eyes, leaned back in her seat and propped her feet up on the desk. "Let me know when you have something a little more challenging for me."

"Can you do that in, like, real life?"

Peridot paused for a moment, and opened an eye to stare at Butters. "Do what?"

"Can you build REAL robots?"

"Pfffft. Can I build real robots? What do I look like to you? I can build ANYTHING!"

Steven grinned. "Say, Perildot. Why don't you show Professor Chaos here your technical prowess?"

"Okay, Butters," Peridot said, grabbing a nearby screwdriver. "Pay attention. This is important."

* * *

The Crystal Gems set up a large, extravagant stage in the center of town. Everything was ready for the boys' confession. Lights were on, cameras were rolling and ready for broadcast, microphones were set up… Pearl looked over at Garnet. "Don't you think this is all a little much?"

"We may have gone overboard."

Amethyst sat up, having previously been lazing around on the floor. "So like, why are we doing this, anyway?" she asked. "We're going to help them no matter what, right?"

"Of course we are," Garnet nodded. "Even if they don't come clean with the townspeople, they still don't deserve to face Trent Boyett's wrath. I just thought we'd teach them a lesson in honesty, if we can."

"Okay…"

A gentleman in a suit approached the Crystal Gems. He glanced around the stage, then looked at them. "Hey, uh, do you three have a permit for this?"

"Do we need one?" Pearl asked.

"Yes."

"Then yes, we have one."

"Oh, well, okay, as long as you have one." The man walked away.

Stan, Cartman, and Kyle arrived, each carrying a large sack of corn on their backs. "Sweet!" Stan exclaimed. "You guys have TV cameras set up! Awesome, great work, guys!"

The Crystal Gems glanced at each other. Pearl frowned. "What?"

"This broadcast is gonna be great!" Kyle reiterated. "You all are doing us a huge favor!"

Garnet stuttered. "Y-yeah."

"We gotta go get Kenny. Make sure this stuff is all ready by the time we get back!" Stan said. "Don't go anywhere!" The boys left. The Crystal Gems watched in silence as they walked out.

"They're up to something," Garnet said after a moment of silence.

* * *

Butters stared in amazement at the Three Kings Day gift he'd been given. Within only half an hour, Peridot had built him an entire army of robotic minions. "Wowie!" he exclaimed. "A whole army! Jeez, Perildot, you're a pretty helpful ally!"

"I like to think so, yes," Peridot said. "So. What evil task will you be completing with these robots? They can do all sorts of–"

"You guys wanna do some prank calls?" Butters interrupted. "That's what was on my agenda today."

"...what?"

"Prank calls?" Steven asked. "That sounds totally heinous, let's do it!"

"But-"

"Hey, hey, who should we call first?" Butters asked, pulling out his phone. "Ooh, ooh, I know!" He started dialing a number.

"Wait a second guys, don't you want to try out the new-?"

"Yeah, hello, Skeeter's Wine Bar?" Butters greeted. "I'm looking for a Ms. Grabba? First name Ima?"

Skeeter, on the other end, looked out at his patrons. "Hey, Ima Grabba?" Everyone stared at him. "Does anyone know I'm a grabber? I have to ask. Hey! Hey, lady! I'm a grabber. Huh?"

The entire bar started to laugh, as did Butters and Steven. Butters hung up, still cackling.

"That was great!" Steven exclaimed.

Peridot rolled her eyes. "Yeah, real funny. Now can we please-"

Steven dialed a number. A Chinese man picked up. "Herro, welcome to Shitty Wok, I take your order prease?"

"Yeah, can I get the City Chicken?" Steven asked, snickering.

"Oh, we don't sell Shitty Chicken no more—" this prompted laughter from Steven and Butters. "—some god damn Mongorians took over, now we onry sell Mongorian–"

Peridot ran over and snatched the phone out of Steven's hand. "Guys! Please, can we do something worth our time?!"

"Peridot, relax!" Steven said, still laughing. "Prank calls are totally evil! Here, try it!"

"Oh, you want a prank call, do you?" Peridot asked. "Fine! Here's a prank call, for you. 9-1-1," she said as she dialed.

Steven stopped laughing. "Peridot, what are you doing?"

Peridot placed her hand over her mouth and began to speak in a high-pitched, muffled voice. "Hello, police?" she said in a voice almost exactly like Kenny's. "I'm a crazy person and I've got a bunch of people hostage at my house in SoDoSoPa! Better come catch me, I'm armed and dangerous!"

"Peridot, STOP!"

"I think I'll off one of them right now!" Peridot grabbed a hammer and slammed it on the table. "There's more where that came from! Better hurry!" she screamed, and hung up the phone. "There! Happy?!"

"Peridot, did you just SWAT somebody?!" Steven asked, horrified.

Peridot's glare slowly transitioned into a more puzzled look. "I-what? What does that mean? What's SWAT?"

"Gee, Perildot, that was a pretty evil thing you did there!" Butters said, grinning. "Swatting is a really serious crime!"

"What- what is 'Swatting'?"

Steven looked scared, now. "Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad."

"Guys!" Peridot yelled, trying to get their attention. "What did I do? What's Swatting?"

* * *

The boys arrived at Kenny's house, each still carrying a sack of corn. Stan knocked on the door. "Kenny, open up!" he said. Kenny opened the door, once again dressed in his orange parka. "Come on, Kenny, get back in your costume," Stan said as he, Kyle, and Cartman entered. Kenny closed the door behind him. "We've figured everything out. We know how we can solve this without going to jail, and without getting our asses kicked by Trent Boyett!"

"How?"

"Corn, dude!" Kyle explained. "Lapis Lazuli went to space. Lapis Lazuli likes corn. If we give her corn, she'll let us come to space with her! We've got a TV broadcast set up and everything to contact her!"

Kenny shrugged. "Whatever, let me get dressed."

Meanwhile, outside, the entire Park County Police Department had amassed in front of Kenny's house. Everyone was armed to the teeth, ready to face whatever dangerous criminal was behind that door. Sergeant Harrison Yates drove up in his squad car, and stepped out wearing a bulletproof vest. He went to the trunk and grabbed a shotgun.

"Alright everyone, listen up," he announced to his team. "This sick son of a bitch is assumed to be extremely dangerous. We don't know if he's black, Latino, Muslim, or just a really, really poor white guy, so make sure your safety's off. We need to be prepared for anything. Do we all know the drill? Let's move in, people!"

The team moved in on the door and took their positions. Yates took cover behind the wall and knocked on the door.

Kenny heard the knock before he could get to his room. He raised an eyebrow at the door. "What now?" he muttered as he walked to the door. Before he could open it, however, he heard a loud 'Go! Go! Go!' and the door was kicked open.

"This is the Park County Police Department!" Yates yelled as he barged in. "Everyone stay right where you are!"

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman raised their arms in the air. "Jesus Christ!" Cartman yelled.

Yates' eyes widened. "It's the hostages! Everyone, move in!"

Kenny glared at the cops as they surrounded him. "What the fuck are you doing?!" he shouted.

"Oh, shit, he's aggressive!" Yates shouted. "Defensive action, everyone!"

The entire police team opened fire on Kenny. He yelled as his body was violently torn to shreds by various high-caliber rounds, some armor-piercing, some hollow-point, some explosive, all of them very, very deadly.

"Holy shit, dude!" Kyle yelled over the noise.

Finally, when the gunfire had died down, Kenny lay on the floor, dead and mutilated. The rats in his house wasted no time in picking at his corpse.

"Oh my god!" Stan yelled. "They killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!" Kyle yelled, glaring at Yates, who approached him and knelt down.

"Are you kids alright? Did the poor white man hurt you?"

"We weren't his hostages, dumbass," Kyle said, rolling his eyes.

"But- but we got a call," Yates said, confused.

"Yeah, idiot, you probably got Swatted," Stan said.

"Nice one, dipshit," Cartman added.

"He was supposed to carry the fourth bag of corn!" Stan said angrily. "Lapis Lazuli isn't going to want to let us go with her for just THREE bags of corn!"

Another cop approached the boys. "Speaking of which, this is evidence, we're going to have to confiscate all of this corn." He and two other cops took the sacks from the boys.

"We got… Swatted?" Yates asked, still in shock. "Oh, shit. This is bad. You boys stay safe. I have to go warm the town… there's a wild Swatter on the loose… Everyone, move out!" The cops left the three boys and one rat-infested corpse.

"What are we gonna do, dude?" Stan asked. "Trent Boyett's gonna kick our asses for sure!"

"We're just going to have to tell the truth," Kyle admitted. "We have to come clean and tell everyone the fire was our fault."

Stan looked at Cartman. "We… we can't do that."

"Kyle's right," Cartman said.

"What?!"

"Honesty is the best policy," Cartman reiterated. "Besides. Maybe, if we're really good, the big man upstairs will forgive our sins."

"God?"

"No, no. The REALLY big man," Cartman clarified. "The forty-fifth big man, to be exact."

"You really think the President would pardon us?" Kyle asked.

"And can he pardon us from being GROUNDED?" Stan added.

"I don't know…" Cartman said, "...but he's our best god damn shot."

* * *

Steven paced the floor of Circuit City, a worried expression on his face. "Oh man, oh man… this isn't good, you guys!"

"I-if my dad finds out I Swatted somebody, he's gonna double ground me for sure…" Butters said sadly. He sat on a table and stared down at the floor. "Guess I'm not leaving my room for a while."

"I don't see what the big deal is," Peridot said. She was lying on the table next to Butters, staring at the ceiling. "You guys wanted to play 'villain'. So, I played 'villain'. And not to gloat or anything, but I AM the most qualified villain in this room."

"So what do we do now?" Steven asked.

Butters glanced around the room. Suddenly, a determined glare appeared on his face. "You know what? I'm NOT getting grounded."

"Why not?" Peridot asked.

"Because Butters… is dead."

"What-"

"Only Professor Chaos exists now!" Butters said, standing up. "I'm sick of living in fear! We're gonna double down on evil! Together, with my evil teammates, Chaotic Quartz and Perildot, and my robotic minions, I'm going to take over South Park!"

Steven's eyes widened. "What?!"

"Alright, NOW this game is getting interesting," Peridot said, sitting up and smirking. "Let's see where this goes."

"No! Let's NOT see where this goes!"

"Hey, Steven, it's like you said," Peridot said as she hopped off the table to follow Butters to the next room. "None of it is real." She closed the door behind them, leaving Steven alone.

"...I need to stop letting Peridot role play," he muttered.

* * *

The boys arrived at the stage that the Crystal Gems had set up. Half of town was here. "Jesus, dude, they were really serious," Stan said. "Okay. We have a problem. The President isn't picking up my calls."

"What? Why not?" Kyle asked.

"He's been AWOL for the past month, dude, nobody knows where he is."

"Wait…" Kyle realized that something wasn't right. "If the President's been missing since last month… how could he have pardoned Trent Boyett?"

Pearl arrived. "Oh, good, you boys are here. Are you ready?"

"Uh, actually-"

"Good, because you're on!" The curtains rose, and the boys all stared out at the large crowd. "Alright everyone, thanks for coming," Pearl said. "Now you might be wondering why we called you all here. It's actually quite simple. Stan, Kenny, Kyle, and Eric here have something to say to everyone, about something that happened a very long time ago. ...where's Kenny?"

"Dead," Stan shrugged.

"My word, what happened?!"

Sergeant Yates ran up to the stage in a panic. "AHHH! No! Nobody panic! The police are NOT responsible for Kenny McCormick's death!" He glared out into the crowd. It was all the SWATTER'S fault! THEY killed Kenny!"

Randy Marsh raised his eyebrows. "Swatter?"

Yates grabbed Pearl's microphone and addressed the townspeople. "Some crazy person is going around Swatting everybody! It's really serious, you guys! People are getting hurt, and it isn't my fault at all!"

"Jesus, there's a Swatter on the loose?!" one citizen exclaimed.

"I need to protect my kids!" another yelled.

The crowd began to panic. In a typical South Park fashion, the citizens started running around, unsure what to do or where to go. Their exit was blocked, however, by an army of robots, which left the town's alleyways and closed in on the stage.

"What the hell?" Stan said as the robots pushed the audience closer to the stage. "Whose robots are these?"

"Muahahahaha!" they heard a familiar voice laugh maniacally. "My plans have finally come to fruition! Chaos has succeeded!"

Cartman stepped forward. "That sounds like…"

Every single screen in the vicinity flared to life. The bright images settled and sharpened, and the crowd watched in astonishment as Butters addressed them, still in-costume.

"People of South Park!" he announced. "Your town has a new ruler. I, Professor Chaos, am establishing martial law! From now on, I rule this town with an iron fist, and NOBODY can stop me! Not even Coon and Friends!"

Peridot stepped in front of the camera. She, also, was wearing a super villain costume, which consisted of a foil helmet that compressed most of her hair and a long cape which flowed from her back. "OR the Crystal Gems!"

Butters and Peridot maniacally laughed in unison, while Coon and Friends AND the Crystal Gems stared in confusion.

Cartman got really angry. "Butters. _Butters!_ That asshole! He's fucking behind it all! Trent Boyett was never pardoned, he Photoshopped the fucking tweet!"

"God dammit, Butters, we're gonna come over there and kick your ass!" Stan yelled.

"You'll have to find me, first!" Butters retorted. "See you around, Coon and Friends!" The broadcast cut off, but Butters' and Peridot's laughs could still be heard. The townspeople continued to be ushered, like cattle, through the town. Butters had succeeded. South Park was his.

Kyle glared at one of the screens. "Guys. We're going. To FUCKING. KILL. Butters."

Pearl shook her head. "Why do we bring Peridot on to these missions…?" she asked herself.

Truthfully, nobody could answer.


	6. Chapter 6: Pre-Emptive Swatting

**A/N: This chapter is the first one so far to be a direct continuation of the one before it. Like I said at the beginning, this time around I was trying to explore different conflicts with each chapter. Chapter 1 revolved around Tweek, Craig, and Lapis. Chapter 2 was a continuation of what was established in Dorito Elect. Chapter 3 built on developments from the end of South Park's most recent season. The Christmas special was… a Christmas special. So far, this has all been a really big experiment. I like this style of writing a lot, because it A) lets me throw a bunch of shit at the wall to see what sticks, plot-wise, B) allows me to build on things I like and drop things I don't like, C) lets me write for characters I wouldn't normally write for (specifically, I realized I almost always only wrote Peridot-centric stories and resolved to change that) and D) pushes me to write longer chapters in order to resolve single-chapter conflicts neatly.**

 **The plot of Chapter 4 was actually this story's original main plot. The whole thing was gonna be a send-up of the Coon & Friends episodes, as well as the most recent video game, but I just didn't have enough material to make that interesting, so I scrapped most of it and instead dedicated two of this story's chapters to it.**

 **What else… a quote from Shattered Memberries was on the fanfiction_txt Twitter account, which is pretty funny if you ask me.**

 **As for the comment from CI regarding the Swatting jokes… I get where you're coming from, man, what happened there was pretty messed up. This chapter sort of revolves around that topic, the intent was to satirize people who point fingers or rationalize shitty behavior when something like that happens, rather than the tragedy itself.**

 **Anyway—let's get into the chapter.**

* * *

 **FREEDOM PALS—INFINITY WAR**

 **PART 2**

 **PRE-EMPTIVE SWATTING**

The Marsh family all sat down for dinner. They all now wore color-coded jumpsuits, a mandatory uniform established by the New Chaotic Regime. Everyone else seemed pretty annoyed, but Randy didn't seem to care at all. "So, how was everyone's day?" he asked, after a long period of awkward silence.

"Shitty," Stan grumbled. "Ever since Butters took over, this town has fucking sucked!"

"Oh, come on, Stan," Randy rolled his eyes. "It isn't THAT bad! We're all still alive, aren't we?"

"That's a really low standard, Randy," Sharon commented.

"I'm just saying, everyone's been complaining about how shitty this new leader is gonna be, but has he started World War III yet?" Randy asked. "Well? Has he? No, he hasn't. The MEDIA is being really negative, that's what the problem is. It's the MEDIA'S fault." Stan groaned, pushed his plate forward, and got out of his seat. "Stan, where are you going?"

"To bed."

"Oh, okay, just as long as you aren't going out," Randy said, glancing at the clock. "Curfew started twenty minutes ago." Once Stan was gone, Randy went back to eating. "So, how was everyone else's day?"

Suddenly, the police charged the door, and surrounded the family. "Nobody move!" Sergeant Yates yelled. "Park County Police! Put your hands where I can see them– hey, wait, this isn't a hostage situation."

Shelley and Sharon both raised their arms up in alarm. "Jesus Christ, dad!" Shelley yelled. "What the fuck is going on?!"

Randy glared at the cops and slammed his fork on the table. "Oh, god damn it, are we being Swatted?!"

"Oh my god, that's the third time tonight," Yates said, placing his hand on his forehead. "This is really embarrassing."

"Who Swatted me?!" Randy demanded. "I want to know who did it! That is NOT funny!"

* * *

The Tuckers' dinner was almost perfect. Despite the oppressive regime set in place by Supreme Commander Chaos and the Vice Peridot, Laura Tucker still managed to get her family to enjoy their family life. They ate, talked, and generally ignored the fact that security robots roamed the streets. Thomas looked at his son. "So, Craig. How's Tweek been doing?"

"Well, dad, last week the President tweeted that his dick was bigger than Kim Jong Un's," he said. "So not great."

Suddenly, several cops stormed the room. "Park County Police!" Sergeant Yates yelled. "Put your hands where I can—son of a bitch, this isn't a hostage situation either."

Thomas glared at Yates. "Oh, _hell_ no," he said, standing up and walking to the door. He marched out onto his yard and glared at Randy Marsh, who was staring at him from several houses down. "Marsh!" he yelled. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Randy glared back. "Fuck you, Thomas, I know you Swatted me just now!"

"Yeah, it was a pre-emptive Swat!" Thomas yelled. "I knew you were going to Swat me, so I Swatted you first! Self-defense, asshole!"

"Self-defe-? It's not self-defense if you do it first!" Randy argued. "I only did it because you did it! THAT was self-defense!"

"People, people, please!" Yates said, getting in between the two dads. "First of all, you all should- should probably stop Swatting each other. Okay? I know you guys think it's a real funny prank, but it's not. It's serious, and it's getting people hurt. Nobody wins a Swat war. People have died from this shit. Second of all, Supreme Commander Chaos's security robots are gonna throw a fucking fit if they see civilians out after curfew so just… just go back inside, okay?"

"Fuck you, Yates, this is your fault," Randy said, turning his attention to the police officer. "If you fucking COPS weren't so trigger-happy, Swatting wouldn't be a big deal!"

"I- Okay, I think you're missing the point," Yates said. "Swatting is bad. Full stop. You shouldn't do it just because it's generally a really shitty thing to do, and I think by pushing the blame on people like ME, you're absolving the actual Swatter of any wrongdoing."

"Well the SWATTER'S not the one pulling the trigger!" Randy argued. "YOU GUYS should be more careful!"

"Look, when you're going into a potential hostage situation, you have to be prepared for anything," Yates explained. "We have to be on full alert. We can't just ANTICIPATE the call being a prank. Which is why, and I CAN'T stress this enough, my job and your lives would be a lot easier and safer if you just… you know. Stopped Swatting each other. It's actually really easy, all you have to do is NOT Swat people. Takes zero effort."

Randy glared at Yates. "You know what ELSE takes zero effort? Not shooting people."

Craig stared out the window and watched his dad argue with Stan's dad. He sighed, and walked up the stairs to his bedroom. His mother watched him enter his room.

"Goodnight, hon!" she said.

"Goodnight, mom," Craig replied as he shut the door. As soon as he was sure his mom was gone, he marched over to his desk and grabbed a little sheet of notebook paper, on which he'd scribbled the letter "S". Placing the sheet over his chest with a piece of Scotch tape, he then sat at his computer and opened a video chat. "Toolshed," Super Craig greeted. "What's the plan?"

"I don't know, dude," Toolshed muttered. "Timothy still hasn't discovered the whereabouts of Commander Chaos, Vice Peridot, or Chaotic Quartz."

Suddenly, the Coon joined the chat. "Super Craig! Toolshed! The Freedom Pals are having a meeting in the Coon Lair. We need you there ASAP."

"Got it," Super Craig nodded.

* * *

The team convened in the Coon Lair. Toolshed noted when he got in that the Crystal Gems were standing in the basement as well. Pearl looked very, very, very annoyed, but Garnet and Amethyst just looked bored.

"Ah, good, everyone's here," Coon noted. "Then we can begin."

"Actually, we're waiting on one more person," the Human Kite corrected. "She should be here any minute."

"No, no, I'm here," the girl could be heard saying from upstairs. Coon raised an eyebrow.

"That sounds like…"

Heidi Turner made her way down the basement, holding a manila folder with a thick stack of papers within. Once she was at the bottom of the stairs, she glanced around at everyone at the table. "Is this everyone?"

"Yeah, this is everyone," Toolshed nodded. "Everyone except Mysterion."

Coon glared at Human Kite. "Dude. Why did you bring my ex here?"

"She told me she could help us figure out where Butters is," Human Kite shrugged. "What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that it's super awkward!"

"You're MAKING it awkward."

"I'm–no I'm not, shut up, Kyle, she's staring."

EVERYONE was staring. "Are you done?" Heidi asked. "I'd like to get this over with."

"Yeah, no, it's kewl," Coon said, not making eye contact. "Um, how long is this going to take?"

Heidi rolled her eyes and opened the folder. "Okay. So. Call Girl briefed me on all of Professor Chaos's previous hideouts. We know he has a garage at the U-Stor-It near SoDoSoPa. We also know that he briefly ran his operation out of an abandoned Circuit City near the mall." Heidi looked around at everyone at the table, and noticed Eric was looking in the opposite direction. "Coon, this is important, you're going to want to pay attention."

"I-I'm listening!"

Heidi stared at Eric for a moment longer before returning to her speech. "Anyway, we ALSO know that Butters' dad hasn't seen him since last week, so we know he hasn't been to his house since then either. You guys all checked U-Stor-It and Circuit City, right?" The table muttered variations of 'yes' or 'yeah'. "Alright. So his previous hideouts are off the table."

"We already KNEW that," Tupperware said. "Why don't we—"

"Let me finish," Heidi interrupted. "With his past hideouts eliminated, we can now turn our search to some less obvious locations." She pulled out a marker and walked over to a whiteboard, which had a crudely drawn map of South Park on it. "Vice Peridot's been building a robot army. So wherever they are, they need a LOT of spare parts. Computers, metal, all that stuff. We can surmise that they left Circuit City precisely because they ran out of materials to use. So where else could they be?" she asked the table. "Come on, think about it. What's the one place where Peridot can work in a lab environment with lots of spare parts, without being bothered by society? An environment that she, a former kindergartener, would be even remotely familiar with?" Heidi walked over to the far end of the board and circled one spot in particular. "The lab of Dr. Alphonse Mephesto," she concluded. "Butters, Peridot, and Steven Universe are hiding out at Mephesto's genetics lab."

Amethyst raised her eyebrows. "Whoa. She's good."

"The genetics lab, of COURSE!" Pearl said, astonished that a nine year-old girl thought of it before she did. "Of COURSE Peridot would go there! She probably already knows how to use most of the equipment."

The Coon slammed his fist on the table. "That sneaky bitch! Alright, Freedom Pals! To the genetics lab!" He and his teammates stood up and ran up the stairs.

Garnet pointed in their direction. "Crystal Gems! Follow the Freedom Pals!" They, too, ran up the stairs, leaving Heidi in the basement. Once she was sure everyone was gone, she pulled out her phone and made a call.

"Commander? This is Punished 'Venom' Skank," she said. "The Freedom Pals and the Crystal Gems are walking right into your trap."

"Excellent," Butters replied. On the other end, he was playing with his action figures—a Star Wars figure, and one based on the appearance of a YouTube sensation—while Peridot and Steven watched. "Soon, I will finally be rid of the Freedom Pals once and for all! Muahahaha!"

"What is the point of this game?" Peridot asked, referring to the action figures.

"O-oh, well, sometimes it's fun to imagine that Shirtless Kylo Ren and Logan Paul teamed up to do evil stuff," Butters explained. "See, look? 'Muahahaha! Let's go to the forest and take pictures of dead bodies!'"

Peridot narrowed her eyes. "This game seems overtly simplistic and nonsensical."

"That's what makes it fun!" Butters exclaimed enthusiastically. "Chaotic Quartz, back me up on this."

Steven glanced between Butters, Peridot, and the action figures. "Um."

"What's wrong, Steven?" Peridot asked.

"When are we gonna… you know. Stop being dictators and go back to being good guys?"

"Steven. We aren't DICTATORS," Peridot argued. "The people of South Park are still free to do as they please."

"You have robots patrolling the town."

"Robots that don't do anything. All they do is move around aimlessly."

"You have some Canadian guy going around telling people he's gonna 'tell' on them."

"Scott has no authority over the townspeople whatsoever."

"And you're setting up TRAPS for Crystal Gems!"

"Traps are fun!" Peridot giggled, standing up. "Steven, it's all MAKE-BELIEVE. You know I would never intentionally hurt anybody, right?"

"Well, yeah, not INTENTIONALLY."

"So just let loose and have fun with it!" Peridot encouraged, grabbing Steven and pulling him in closer. "I promise, when this is all over, we're going to put everything right back the way we found it."

"Okay…"

Dr. Alphonse Mephesto approached the villainous trio. "Okay, you kids need to find somewhere else to conduct your hostile takeover."

"Aw, why?" Butters asked.

"I've just been contacted by a businessman in Canada," Mephesto explained. "He's going to give me a very large scientific grant, which would fund this lab for several years if I conduct a complex genetic experiment for him."

"Aw, hamburgers."

"When do you need to start this experiment?" Peridot asked.

"Next week."

"Oh, we'll be gone by then, don't worry."

"Oh, well, okay, then." Mephesto left the villains to their work.

* * *

The parents of South Park convened in the community center once again. Everyone was angrily rabbling about another problem they were having. Anyone else feel like this sort of thing happens way too often?

Mayor McDaniels approached the podium. She almost IMMEDIATELY struck a political deal with the new dictators, so she carried a higher rank, signified by the badge on her breast that said 'IMPORTANT' in big, bold letters. "People, people, please!" she tried to calm the crowd down. "I know you're all very upset about recent developments, but if you could all just STAY CALM-"

"How can we stay calm when SOME PEOPLE are going around Swatting everybody?" Stephen Stotch yelled. "RANDY Swatted me twice this morning!"

"Only because you Swatted me first, Stephen!" Randy argued back. "And then Thomas Swatted me, so I Swatted him, and then the DONOVANS got all paranoid and started Swatting people left and right!"

Roger Donovan stood up. "It's called a Pre-emptive Swat!" he yelled. "If people are gonna try and Swat me, I'm gonna Swat them before they even get a chance!"

"Can everybody please stop Swatting each other!" Mayor McDaniels yelled angrily. "It's making the whole town look bad!"

"He started it!" the entire town shouted in unison.

"I'm just saying, people only want to Swat each other because they think other people want to Swat each other," the Mayor said, still glaring at her constituents. "So if you all would just KNOCK OFF the Swatting, we wouldn't even have a problem here."

Suddenly, the doors were knocked down, and the entire police department ran in. "Hands where I can see them!" Sergeant Yates yelled. "This is the Park County—oh, god damn it!"

The Mayor sighed. "Alright. Who did it?"

After a moment of silence, Gerald Broflovski raised his hand in shame.

"Gerald, I'm gonna Swat the FUCK out of you later," Randy threatened.

* * *

The Freedom Pals and the Crystal Gems arrived at Dr. Mephesto's lab. The building loomed ominously over the town, perched atop a high hill which easily made it the highest structure in South Park. The Coon approached the gate, and hit the buzzer to broadcast his voice inside. "Butters, we're here to kick your ass!" he yelled. "Give it up, we know you're in there!"

"Maybe nobody's home," Super Craig proposed. "We should probably come back later."

"Bullshit," Toolshed dismissed. "He's in there. Come on, guys, let's get in there."

"Wait!" Garnet yelled, stopping the children from entering. "Look!" She pointed to the gate, which had a long wire going across it. The wire was stretched so far, it looked ready to snap at the first bit of force. "The gate is booby-trapped."

Mosquito started chuckling. "Hehe. Heh. Booby."

"Since when is Butters smart enough to set up traps?" Human Kite wondered aloud.

"I don't think he did," Pearl replied. "I'll give you three guesses as to who did it. Here's a hint—she's in a LOT of trouble when this is all over."

Wonder Tweek approached the wall. "I guess we're just going to have to climb over," he said. "Super Craig, come give me a boost."

"On it." Super Craig walked over to the wall and got in position. Wonder Tweek placed a foot on Craig's hand, and Craig lifted, sending him high enough up to grab onto the ledge. Tweek climbed over the wall, grunting as he did so, and dropped onto the floor once he had cleared the wall.

Once Tweek was on the other side, he examined the trap on the gate. "Jesus Christ!" he yelled. "There's a bomb! This shit's rigged to explode!"

The Coon raised his eyebrows. "Wow, dude, Peridot's hardcore."

"Disarming that right now is too dangerous," Garnet said. "Everyone's going to have to climb the wall."

Toolshed walked up to Call Girl. "I'll help you over the wall," he offered. Call Girl just shrugged and pulled out each of the selfie sticks she used as weapons. She used them as picks to scale the wall, did a backflip once she was at the top, and landed flawlessly on the other side. She walked over to the gate and stared at Toolshed. "Try to keep up, Stan," she teased, before turning around and walking towards the lab.

"Dude, ice cold," Coon said as Toolshed watched Call Girl leave.

"Yeah, whatever, Cartman, she's just playing the part," Toolshed dismissed as he began to scale the wall.

Once everyone was over the wall, they regrouped in front of the building. "Okay team, here's the plan," Toolshed announced. "We're gonna go in there and kick Butters' ass. Any questions?"

Amethyst raised her hand. "Ooh! Ooh! Can we kick Peridot's butt, too?"

"Feel free to kick the shit out of anyone and everyone," Coon clarified. "Remember guys, in Batman v. Superman, Batman totally killed people and branded them with irons and shit, so it's cool now."

"I thought that was a dream sequence?" Human Kite said, tilting his head.

"No, no, he SHOT people in the dream sequence," Tupperware corrected. "In the real world he, like, hit people with his car and stuff. And he totally still branded them."

"Didn't Superman kill all those people in the first scene?" Super Craig asked.

"Yeah, no, that's WHY Batman wants Superman gone," Coon explained.

"I thought Batman wanted Superman gone because he was on his turf," Toolshed said. "Batman's a petty hypocrite, after all."

Pearl groaned, and placed a hand over her face. "We're going to be here a while…" she muttered.

* * *

Steven watched uncomfortably as Butters and Peridot took turns drawing on a whiteboard, which contained a very detailed map of South Park. "So… what exactly is your GOAL here?" he asked.

Peridot answered with a vague, noncommittal grunt and a shrug. "To spread chaos?"

Steven glanced at Butters. "You're creating chaos by installing a rigid dictatorship," he said flatly.

Butters frowned. "Well, hold on, when you say it like that…"

"I'm just saying, nothing about this is really all that… 'Chaotic'."

Peridot nodded. "Mhmm. Chaotic Quartz is right. If we want TRUE chaos, we have to be ELECTED to these positions." Peridot frowned as well, then gripped her gem. "Ugh, I don't want to do another election right now…" she groaned.

"Are you okay?" Steven asked, now concerned.

"My headache is setting in again."

"You've been getting headaches a lot, lately…" Steven said. "Maybe you're getting sick?"

"Please. I don't get 'sick'," Peridot scoffed. "Running an evil regime is stressful. I'm likely suffering from Acute Overwork Syndrome."

"You made that-"

"I DID NOT MAKE IT UP!" Peridot cut him off.

"I'm googling that."

"GOOD! Do it! It's super real, you'll see!"

"It's not real."

Peridot's brow furrowed. Now SHE looked worried. "All of my sisters on Homeworld told me it was…"

Steven glanced at his phone to check the time. 1:26 AM. He yawned. "So, uh, when did you say you were gonna be done with this?"

"We didn't."

"Mm."

One of Professor Chaos' minions, General Disarray—known to most as "Dougie"—entered the room. "Commander Chaos!" Disarray exclaimed. "The Freedom Pals have arrived at the research lab. They're out front now!"

"Wow, that was fast," Peridot said.

Steven managed to make a tired smile. "Good, this is all going to be over reeeeal soon," he yawned.

"Don't be so sure, Quartz!" Butters said. "Those fools may have made it past my first trap, but they'll never get past… my second trap!"

"How many traps did you make?" Steven asked.

Peridot thought about it for a moment. "Seventy-three."

Steven groaned and passed out right there. He was too tired for this. He'd deal with it in the morning.

* * *

 _Dreams were a funny thing. Most of the time, when Steven dreamed, he didn't even know it was happening. It all feels so real—which is impressive, considering most of his dreams involve flying dogs._

 _This was not one of those flying dog dreams. Everything felt realer than real. There were no flying dogs, no magical ponies, no cats that farted rainbows, no Uncle Grandpas. All Steven could see… was an angry mob!_

 _He wanted to run. He tried to run, but his feet wouldn't move. They got closer. Why wasn't he running? They were almost upon him, now, and he could make out their faces. Beady eyes. Flappy heads. Everyone. They were all after him. Why was he just standing there?!_

" _So, you decided to face us, buddy?" the leader of the mob said. "Do you think we're just going to let you go after the things you did to Canada?!"_

" _You're all making a very big mistake," Steven said. Wait. That wasn't Steven. That was not Steven's voice._

" _The only mistake we made was allowing you into this country in the first place, guy!" the Canadian man retorted. "Why. Why did you do it?! What did we ever do to you?!"_

" _I can't expect you all to understand," the voice responded. It sounded like… "After all. You're only human."_

 _The man shouted, "Get her!" and the crowd lunged out._

 _Steven—not Steven, somebody else—summoned her shield. One Canadian jumped onto it. This was…_

 _This was…_

"Mom!" Steven exclaimed, jolting awake. "Agh, I… what?" _What the hell was that about?_ he wondered. He looked around. He was no longer in the room Peridot and Butters used to plan their empire. He was in bed. Not his bed, mind you, but a bed. Peridot and Butters must have moved him here after he fell asleep.

He looked a little closer. Photos of Dr. Mephesto and a young boy, probably only seven or eight, decorated the room. On a shelf, he spotted a silver trophy. He got up and examined the engraving.

 _TERRANCE MEPHESTO_

 _Second Place_

 _South Park Elementary, 1997_

 _Awarded for exceptional performance worthy of a runner-up prize in the 1997 Science Fair conducted by Mr. Garrison's Third Grade Class._

Beside it was another photograph, of the boy Steven presumed to be Terrance.

"I believe that was the year a student crossbred an elephant and a pig," Steven heard a man say from the doorway. He turned, and saw Dr. Mephesto standing there, leaning on his cane. Mephesto joined him in admiring the award.

"Is this your son?" Steven asked.

"He was my son, yes."

"Was?"

"He's no longer with us," Mephesto added.

Now Steven felt bad. He was sleeping in this man's dead son's bed, which probably hadn't been slept in for years before tonight. "O-oh, jeez. I'm sorry."

Mephesto shrugged. "I've had a long time to grieve. I'm finally ready to return to my work."

"It doesn't matter how much time has passed," Steven said. "That's still really sad."

"Yes. Yes it is." Mephesto paused for a moment. "Steven. Those Crystal Gems, the ones who are about to enter my lab. They are your caretakers, yes?"

"Yeah, they are."

"Hmm. Small world."

"You know them?"

Mephesto shook his head. "Them? No, no. I only knew one of them. Big lady, big pink hair."

"My mom…" Steven muttered.

"You know, Steven, your family… might not be your closest allies forever," Mephesto said. "It seems to me that you and Peridot don't seem to get along very well."

"That's not true, we get along great," Steven argued. "Uh. Usually. This is… different. She's not usually like this."

"Forgive me for making assumptions, but is this… not the first time you've been turned off by the moral values of someone you care about?"

Steven thought about it. It definitely wasn't. The Crystal Gems did shady things all the time. The difference here was that this was probably the first thing Peridot did since joining the group that he felt was "bad". She and Lapis were usually the ones Steven could go to when he was pissed off that the "main" Gems seemed to be hiding something from him, or doing something morally questionable. They were always so open, and it was usually all laughs when them.

Then shit got real. Lapis left, Peridot moved back into his bathroom and became a depressed little sack of sadness, he was pretty sure Peridot abused Member Berries when he wasn't looking—Lapis likely took a whole bunch into space with her, too—and it seemed like everything was just sort of falling apart. THAT was what upset Steven the most. It seemed like everything was changing, and not for the better.

"Boy, you people sure do like to sit silently for awkwardly long periods of time," Mephesto commented.

"Uh- Sorry!" Steven apologized. "I spaced out. I was… uh… thinking. What did you mean? When you said… the Crystal Gems won't always be my allies?"

"I give that advice to every child I find who has a loving family."

"Because you're mad at the world over your son's death?"

"Because I'm an evil scientist who enjoys destroying dreams, it has almost nothing to do with Terrance's tragic and untimely death."

Steven frowned. "Huh."

* * *

Pearl sat against the wall with an annoyed look on her face. Her hand covered her eyes, and her lips were formed in a stank face that could rival the President's. "No, no, no," she could hear Toolshed yelling nearby. "Batman didn't kill Superman with the Kryptonite. Superman was killed when he was hit by a nuclear missile in outer space!"

"You're wrong, asshole!" Coon yelled back. "Superman died when Batman punched him with the Kryptonite gloves."

"You're BOTH wrong," Super Craig interjected. "Superman died because he used the Kryptonite to kill himself and the monster Lex Luthor made out of General Zod's DNA."

"Why did Lex Luthor have hair in that movie?" Wonder Tweek asked. "Lex Luthor's supposed to be bald."

"He IS bald," Call Girl said. "At the end of the movie he got his head shaved. Remember, he went to prison at the end?"

"Oh yeah," Kyle said. "Man, that movie sucked."

"Can we PLEASE get a move-on?" Pearl finally spoke up, having had it up to here with the children. "All you've done is argue about DC movies for the last half hour. We haven't even entered the building yet!"

Silence. The boys all glanced at each other and shrugged. Amethyst was the one to break the silence. "What was the deal with Suicide Squad?" This caused the entire group to break out into more arguments. Pearl groaned.

"PLEASE, can we argue about this later?!" Pearl yelled.

"Pearl, let the kids be kids," Garnet scolded. "Not everything has to be so serious."

"THAT FUCKING TATTOO ON JARED LETO'S FOREHEAD!" Coon whined. "Why? Why did it have to be there?"

"Pearl is right, everyone," a disembodied voice interrupted. Everyone stared at Doctor Timothy, who was telepathically projecting his voice into everyone else's minds.

Except for Pearl, who had no imagination and therefore was immune to telepathic communication.

"We have a mission," Timmy continued. "We can't afford to get distracted, or all of our effort will be for naught."

"Timmy's right," Toolshed admitted. "We have to push onwards."

Pearl stared at Timmy. "He didn't say anything."

"Timmy!" Timmy said, grinning at Pearl.

The group finally entered the building. Mephesto's entrance hall was large, sophisticated, and almost NOTHING like the boys remembered it being when they first met the mad scientist. "Wow, he redecorated," Super Craig said flatly.

Suddenly, a balding, middle-aged man in a polo, slacks, and glasses approached the group. "Welcome, folks! I'm Dave! Thank you for coming to South Park Carmax, let me show you around! Follow me!" Dave began to walk through the facility. The Freedom Pals shrugged and followed.

"What? Who is he?" Pearl asked.

"This must be one of Peridot's traps," Garnet observed. "Vehicle salesmen never let you out of their sight. She really is a genius."

"I think 'genius' is pushing it a little…"

Dave led the group to another room, which was full of nothing but cars. "This here is our main showroom! Our newest and nicest cars are all in here, but if you're looking for something under a budget, we can go to the lot out back and see what catches your eye!"

* * *

The Mayor stood at her podium, leaning on her wrist and nearly falling asleep. "Okay…" she grumbled. "So who here thinks we should sign legislation legally banning Swatting?"

Half of the town raised their hands. Thomas Tucker, who didn't, stood up. "Now hold on just a second!" he yelled. "Criminals are gonna Swat people no matter what! So why take the power to Swat out of the hands of law-abiding citizens? I say, we make Swatting FULLY LEGAL for all!"

The Mayor blinked. "All in favor of legalizing Swatting." The other half of the town—including the police—raised their hands. Mayor McDaniels groaned and placed her face in her hands.

Suddenly, Officer Yates' radio buzzed to life. "Calling all units in the vicinity of South Park. We have a ten-twenty-three in progress on Algonquin Blvd. All available units, please respond. Repeat. Ten-Twenty-Three on Algonquin Blvd. All available units, please respond."

"Oh, shit!" Yates yelled, standing up. "This is Detective Yates! I'm on my way, over!"

"What, what is it?" The Mayor asked. "What's a Ten-Twenty-Three?"

Yates stared directly at her, his face incredibly serious. "Hostage situation. Let's move, people!" Yates and his men ran out of the building, not noticing the Mayor's glare.

"No!" she shouted. "Don't you see, you're getting Swat-?! Oh, for Pete's sake."

* * *

David approached a silver sedan with a big price tag on the windshield. The tag read "$13,990". "This here is a 2015 Toyota Corolla, Luxury Edition," he said. "It's only had one owner and has never been in an accident. The Corolla is a great starter car for—"

"Okay, can we, like, go now?" Toolshed asked. "None of us care about buying cars, we're ten."

David pulled out a key. "Why don't we give this baby a little test drive, see if you guys are interested?"

"Ok, fuck this guy, let's go," Toolshed grumbled as he led his friends past the salesmen. They barged into the next room, which was a large conference room with flatscreens fitted to the walls. Each screen had a different portion of South Park under surveillance. In the center of the room was a long, oval table, at which Peridot and Butters sat.

"What?" Peridot said as she watched the group enter. "How did you all get past my traps?"

"We're here to put an end to your reign of terror, Professor Chaos and Peridot!" Call Girl called out. "Surrender now, and we'll go easy on you."

"That's VICE PERIDOT to you, Freedom Clods!" Peridot yelled back. "If you think I'm going to surrender to the likes of you, you've got another thing coming!"

"I-I thought you said you had 73 traps for them?" Professor Chaos asked.

"I did," Peridot replied. "David was supposed to take them on a test drive in all 73 of the Corollas I put in the showroom."

"Peridot, this has gone FAR ENOUGH!" Pearl yelled. "This game isn't FUNNY anymore."

"I think it's hilarious!" Peridot retorted. "I have you guys worked up over ABSOLUTELY nothing! All I've done is sit here and talk big, and your reactions are some of the most extreme I've ever seen! That sounds like a funny game to ME!"

Professor Chaos balled up his fists and tapped them together apprehensively. "H-Hey, uh, Peridot? Can I talk to you about something real quick?" Having dropped the act, Butters pulled Peridot aside. "Can we not do this here? I-I was kind of counting on the Freedom Pals NOT making it past the traps."

"What, you want to give up?" Peridot asked, tilting her head. "Why? We've almost won!"

"Peridot, there's a lotta them and only a few of us," Butters said. "Steven doesn't seem too into it, and Heidi isn't even here with us, so it's two against… uh… a lot."

"Oh, pfffft," Peridot waved her hand dismissively. "You're forgetting that I'm a master strategist, like Steve Bannon."

Butters blinked. "Isn't he dead?"

"Look, the point is if we give up now, we won't have a chance at winning!"

"The guys are gonna beat me up, Peridot," Butters said. "I-I don't wanna get beat up."

Peridot glared at Butters. "So it's happening again."

"What?"

"Go, join the Clod and Friends," Peridot said. "I can do this myself."

Butters backed away from Peridot and ran to join the Freedom Pals. "H-Hey, fellas…"

"Butters, we're still gonna kick your ass," Cartman said.

"A-Aw, hamburgers…"

"Is everyone ready for a fight?" Toolshed asked.

"I sure am," Garnet said. Suddenly, she walked over to Peridot and turned around so she was facing the others. "Nobody move. This is a betrayal," she said in a rather dull monotone.

Pearl sputtered in surprise. "What- you mean- WHAT?!"

"Garnet?" Peridot asked.

"That's Fused Chaos, to you," Garnet responded.

"Garnet, are you SERIOUSLY playing this game right now?" Pearl asked. Garnet shrugged.

"Being bad is fun sometimes."

Coon raised an eyebrow. "Hey, it is kinda fun," he muttered. He then marched over to Peridot's side. "I'm on the villains' side, now." Human Kite, Super Craig, Wonder Tweek, and Amethyst all walked over there as well.

Toolshed glared at Human Kite. "KYLE!"

"Sorry, Stan," Human Kite shrugged. "It IS fun."

Pearl glared at Amethyst. "Amethyst, get back over here, we don't have time for this."

"Pffft. We got all the time in the world, P!"

Toolshed shushed everyone. "Alright, everyone just shut up for a second! You guys seemed SUPER ready to double cross us. This was planned!"

"I believe I can explain everything," a deep, soothing voice said from the shadows. Everyone looked to see where it came from, and Morgan Freeman stepped out into the light. "You see, when Butters emailed Steven, Garnet's future vision was able to predict everything that was going to happen should they travel to South Park. She saw Butters trick Peridot and Steven into joining his evil plan. She saw Peridot taking the game too seriously. She saw Professor Chaos's eventual takeover of the town. Furthermore, she saw that you all would try and stop them, and she saw each and every trap and adversary you would face. And she saw that the heroes are, sometimes, total buzzkills.

"Rather than allow herself to become the No Fun Police, Garnet devised a scheme with Amethyst and several of the Freedom Pals to double cross the heroes and join the villains, just to switch things up a bit and make the conflict a little more interesting."

Pearl looked back at Garnet. "But then why wasn't I included in the plan?"

Morgan Freeman blinked. "Because you aren't fun," he said. "You've never been fun and you never will be fun. You're a huge buzzkill and you never let anybody do anything fun."

Garnet frowned. "Well, that's a harsh way of wording it."

"It's an ACCURATE way of wording it."

Toolshed scratched his head. "I think I get it. I just have one more question. How come every time something convoluted happens, you show up?" he asked.

"Because every time I explain something convoluted, I get a freckle," Freeman replied, a brand new freckle appearing on his face as he spoke.

"Alright, everyone, hands where I can see 'em!" Detective Yates shouted as he and his forces entered the room. "Nobody move! Everyone follow my instructions exactly!"

Everyone put their hands up. "Jesus, what's going on?!" Coon asked.

"We're being Swatted," Freeman said calmly.

"So who called them?" Stan said.

"I did," another voice said from the shadows. Steven stepped out into the light. "Nobody move. This is an intervention!" he said.

"Steven?!" Peridot said incredulously. "What's going on, here?!"

"Steven believed the game had gone on long enough, and that Peridot may accidentally hurt people if it went on any longer," Freeman explained. "So he called the police and Swatted us. His hopes were that he could disrupt the game long enough for it to become totally lame."

Steven nodded. "That's right. Peridot, I was wrong before. Being the bad guy isn't fun, at least not the way you do it! I don't like seeing you like this. It isn't you!"

Peridot glared at Steven. "YOU did this!"

"How did **I** do this?"

"Peridot has low self-esteem, made worse by the fact that she still doesn't feel as though she's completely made up for mistakes she made in the past," Freeman continued to explain, all while freckles continued to appear on his face. "You trivialized her troubles, made light of qualities of herself she hated, and wanted to turn her into the thing she hated most; a past version of herself. So, when poked and prodded, she relapsed into evil, and intentionally went overboard so as to prove a point to you, Steven. She wanted you to realize that, in the end, YOU created this."

Steven slowly began to look remorseful, and looked away. "I… I DID do this," he said. "You're absolutely right. This is all MY fault."

Yates pointed his gun at Steven. "So, it's YOU we need to murder, huh?"

Pearl smacked the gun out of Yates' hands. "For crying out loud," she yelled, "put that thing down!"

Suddenly, another group of police officers barged into the room. "Everybody stay right where you are!" they yelled. "You're all under arrest!"

"Agh!" Tweek shouted. "Jesus Christ!"

"Why are there more cops?!" Craig yelled. "Who called them?!"

"I did," yet another voice said from the shadows. Randy Marsh walked into the light.

Stan glared at his father. "Dad, what are you doing here?"

"I know Mephesto was planning to Swat me!" he said. "This is… this is just self-defense!"

"You can't use SWATTING for self-defense!" Peridot said. "And Mephesto isn't even here!"

"Yes I am," another voice said from the shadows. Dr. Alphonse Mephesto stepped out into the light. "I was lurking here, in the shadows, the entire time."

"Is there anyone else hiding in the shadows we should know about?" Pearl asked. To answer her question, about half of South Park's residents stepped out into the light. "Oh, this is so chaotic…"

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "Say that again?" she said.

"There's so much chaos here, I don't know how this town survives," Pearl admitted.

Butters, Peridot, and Steven smiled at each other. "Hey, that's a good point!" Butters said.

"This town… generates chaos!" Peridot said. "Our original goal wasn't to take over the town! It was to spread CHAOS!"

Steven nodded. "Aaaand, by distracting the Freedom Pals, therefore leaving the townspeople alone to do what they normally do…"

"Well, gosh darn it!" Butters said happily. "We did it, gang! We spread chaos!"

Peridot, Steven, and Butters cheered. "The game's over!" Steven exclaimed. "Team Chaos wins!"

Stan glared, and threw off his goggles in anger. "God damn it. We've never lost a game of superheroes before."

"Well you have now!" Peridot gloated. "Our goal has been accomplished! High five, everyone!"

Peridot, Steven, and Butters high fived. Garnet smiled and gave them a thumbs up. "You won," she said. "I'm proud of you three."

"Screw this, let's just go home," Stan said. He and his friends all stomped off while Butters, Peridot, and Steven continued to celebrate.

"You were right, Steven!" Peridot said. "This WAS fun!"

"Even if it did get a little out of hand, I'm glad you were able to play the game!" Steven responded. "Pearl, did you see that? We won!"

Pearl shrugged. "Alright. The bad guys win, this time."

"So, what now?" Steven asked Peridot.

"I think I'm hanging up my cape," Peridot conceded as she untied the bedsheet from her neck. "The game's over anyway, so there's no point in being a bad guy anymore. Let's head home!"

Pearl held up a set of car keys. "I'm driving!"

Everyone stared at her. "Pearl, we took the warp pad here," Steven said.

Pearl suddenly looked a little ashamed. "Uh… yeah. I own a car now. That salesman was very convincing."

Amethyst snorted. "Nice one, P."

* * *

The Freedom Pals exited the lab, now dressed in their civilian attire. "This is bullshit," Stan said. "I hate this game now."

Wendy patted him on the back. "There, there, Stan. Why don't we find a different game to play?"

Stan shrugged. Kenny approached the group. "Hey guys, what'd I miss?" he asked through his parka hood.

"Oh, hey, Kenny," Kyle greeted. "Where have you been, dude? You missed the entire game."

"Oh, you know, just over there," he said, pointing in a random direction. "Wanna play Cowboys vs. Mexicans?"

"Sure, but don't invite any of the Crystal Gems, they suck," Stan said. "Peridot's really good at these games for some reason, she makes them super not fun."

The group agreed.

* * *

Dr. Mephesto entered a small, dark room within his lab. He sighed, and removed his coat. "So, you're the one who'll be paying me?" he asked.

The Canadian man across from him nodded. "Tell me, Dr. Mephesto… what do you know about geology?"

"I'm a geneticist, not a geologist."

"What if I told you that, in this case, geology and genetics were one and the same?"

Mephesto thought about it. "That sounds interesting. What exactly is it you'd like me to do?"

The man slid a notebook across the table. "Read these notes. Analyze them. I want to see if you can make sense of them. It would be a big help, buddy."

Mephesto nodded. "I'll get right on it."

* * *

 **A/N: Next week I'm taking a break from writing so I can organize my ideas for the next five or so chapters (I have no idea how long this story will be, it may or may not end up being longer than Dorito Elect, which had 14 chapters), so I'll be looking at all of the feedback I've gotten so far and will continue to get. What do you guys think so far? What's working, what's not? Is the episodic format working, or no? What kinds of characters or situations do you want to see in the next batch of chapters? Anything I've already written about that you'd like to see me explore a little deeper? Anything I could improve on? Let me know in the comments!**


	7. Chapter 7: H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks

"Oh my god! They killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!"

It had happened again. For what seemed like the forty-trillionth time, Kenny McCormick was dead. He crossed his non-corporeal arms as his soul rose from Earth and towards Heaven. This was bullshit. He was tired of this. What was the point? He was just going to come back tomorrow anyway, why go through this dog and pony show?

 _Little boy at peace  
_ _What is this place beyond the stars?_

Kenny approached Heaven, which was, as always, populated by images of beautiful, naked women.

 _Open up your eyes  
_ _What are these things you're moving towards?_

Kenny, arms still crossed, glared at the golden gates as they became closer and closer in his vision.

 _Head so full of wonder  
_ _Worries in the past  
_ _Could it be that you are free at last?_

The moment of truth was approaching—would he be accepted into Heaven, as he was hundreds of times before?

 _NO!_ A large sign was erected in front of the golden gates, and the visions of beautiful women disappeared. "ACCESS DENIED!" the sign read. Kenny sighed, and began to fall through space. A swirling, fiery vortex opened up below him.

 _Little boy you're goin' to Hell!  
_ _You said bad words  
_ _Threw rocks at birds  
_ _And now this is your hotel!_

A bored look came over Kenny's face as the denizens and demons of Hell rose up, and began to tug and tear at his body. The vortex of fire swirled around him. It should have been terrifying. But it wasn't. He knew the drill by now.

* * *

Lapis Lazuli sat at the edge of the island her barn sat on, gazing at the stars. Space was really pretty, but it was also lonely. She wished that Peridot, Pumpkin, and Steven were here. She really should have left this star system, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. As much as she didn't want to get caught-up in another war, she also didn't want to leave Earth COMPLETELY behind. She wanted to be able to pick Peridot up if shit hit the fan.

 _Right, like she'd abandon that planet,_ Lapis thought, rolling her eyes. They came to rest on the fiery vortex that orbited Earth. That was really—

"Fiery vortex?!" she yelled, standing up. It was too late. Earth was already under attack. Peridot was in danger. She jumped from the barn, letting space's lack of atmosphere propel her towards the planet with little resistance. Not fast enough. She flared her water wings and soared towards Earth. "Please don't be too late, please don't be too late…" She stopped, however, and put a little more thought into it. Homeworld… pilots ships. They don't pilot fire. What was going on, here? She looked up, and saw clouds. In space. Between the clouds and the fire, she saw a little orange speck, descending into the fire.

 _You ain't goin' back  
_ _This ain't Disneyland  
_ _It's HELL!_

Kenny yawned as a vision of Kim Jong-il appeared before him, and yelled at him in Korean. Then Charles Manson appeared, and he rambled on about some sort of impending race war. Jeffrey Dahmer. Ronald Reagan. The uncle from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. All of them appeared before him to let him know that, yes, he was in fact going to Hell.

 _Little boy it's time for you to pay  
_ _For hurtin' that bird  
_ _Not goin' to church  
_ _And starin' at boobs everyday_

Lapis hovered over the vortex and got a closer look. She recognized that orange parka. "Kenny?!" she yelled.

Kenny looked up. "What the fuck?"

 _Thought you were in bed, instead you're in Hell!_

Lapis descended into the vortex and grabbed Kenny's hand. "What are you doing here?! Space is no place for a human child, we need to get you back on Earth! How did you even get here?!" She tried to fly away, but she… couldn't. "What?"

 _Hell isn't good, Hell isn't good, Hell!_

"You need to let go!" Kenny yelled. "Are you fucking stupid or something?!"

"I can't hear you!" Lapis yelled back. "Your voice is too muffled, and also there's all this fire and wind… how does any of this happen?! Why can't I pull you out?!"

Kenny groaned. What was the best way to explain this… before he could figure that out, he realized they were still falling. "You need to let go!" he repeated. "You're going to get sucked in with me!"

"What?! Sucked in where?!"

 _Hell isn't good, Hell isn't good, Hell!_

 _Lazuli, you're goin' to Hell!  
_ _Shouldn'ta been gay  
_ _Cuz now you're gonna pay  
_ _The ultimate price  
_ _In the fiery depths below!_

Lapis screamed as she and Kenny were pulled deeper into the vortex. She saw a landing, but that didn't ease her worries very much, on account of the landing being surrounded by fire.

 _Hell isn't good, Hell isn't good, Hell!_

 _Hell isn't good, Hell isn't good, Hell!_

Lapis flared her wings to slow their descent. She and Kenny landed softly on the ground below. "Kenny, are you okay?" Kenny jumped up and smacked her. "Ow! What was that for?!"

"You should have let go, dumbass!" Kenny yelled. "Now you're stuck HERE with me!"

"And where is HERE?!"

"Welcome," a deep voice said from behind them. Kenny and Lapis turned around. Lapis gasped.

"What is THAT?" she asked.

The large, red, horned creature smirked. "I am Satan. Ruler of the Damned. The Prince of Darkness. A fallen angel in the eyes of God. And God… has forsaken you."

Lapis rolled her eyes. "Ugh, tell me about it."

"Don't you get it?" Satan asked. "Your soul belongs to me. You've been damned to rot in the deepest, darkest pits of my kingdom for all eternity. There is nothing left in store for you but pain and suffering."

Lapis crossed her arms. "So what else is new?"

Satan glared at Lapis for a moment before frowning. "I never get the fun ones anymore." He heard Kenny clear his throat. "Ah, Kenny. Welcome back. Who's your friend?"

"This is Lapis Lazuli," Kenny said, glancing up at her. "And she isn't my friend. I hate her."

"Hey!"

Satan put on reading glasses and began reading a list. "Let's see here… Lazuli… Lazuli… uh… huh."

"What is it?" Lapis asked.

"Well, see, normally, when someone dies and they get sent to Hell, their name is printed out on this daily list for me," Satan explained. "But your name isn't on here."

"Oh, well, I'm not dead," Lapis responded. She then glanced at Kenny. "Neither is he."

Satan chuckled. "No, no, Kenny is super dead, poor bastard."

"He is?"

"Yeah, but it looks like you aren't, which makes me wonder how the hell you got to Hell. Hold on one second, I need to check up on something." Satan retreated into his house, which was nearby, and walked into to the kitchen. His boyfriend, Steve Bannon, was at the stove, cooking eggs. "Steve, do you remember Death's area code? I keep forgetting if it's 3-2-1 or 5-7-1."

"3-2-1," Bannon said. "He pretty much lives in Florida because of the elderly population."

"Right, right," Satan muttered as he dialed the number. "Come on, pick up… hi, Death? Yeah, it's Lucifer. Listen, do you have the list of souls you were supposed to collect today? ...you do? Great, can you check and see if there was a 'Lapis Lazuli' on that list?"

Bannon turned off the stove. "Breakfast is ready, dear," he said.

"Ok hon, I'll be there in a second." Satan turned his attention back to the phone. "Yeah, you still there? Yeah, she's one of the aliens from Geminga 7, I think. No, I don't know her serial number. Looks like an older one, to me. I think she's one of the ones that defected to Earth back during that big galactic civil war they had, does that narrow it down at all?"

Lapis and Kenny entered the house. Kenny raised an eyebrow when he saw Bannon standing in the kitchen. Lapis, having never met him personally before, didn't even know who he was. Bannon, however, recognized her immediately.

"Oh, shit, I think I've seen this one before," Bannon said. "Hey, you're Peridot's girlfriend, right?"

"I don't know what that means," Lapis responded. "I did know her, though."

"Yeah, I know this one. Her Facet number is 6G9L, Cut-7MC."

Satan repeated the information to Death, who relayed to the Prince of Darkness that Lapis was not on his list of damned souls either. Satan sighed. "Okay, thanks anyway." He put the phone down. "Okay, I think there's been some kind of mistake here," he told Lapis. "I'm really sorry about that. Here, let me give you directions to the portal back to the land of the living."

"Wait!" Lapis interrupted him. "Uh… I don't exactly have anywhere to go right now. No friends, no home, just… a barn I stole and flew into space. Can I… stay here? Just until I get back up on my feet?"

Satan blinked. "You want to stay here in Hell," he said flatly.

"Just for a little bit!" Lapis said defensively. "Just until I can, you know, get the confidence I need to go back to Earth and make up with my old friends."

Satan glanced at Steve, who just shrugged. "Alright, be my guest," Satan said. "Just don't cause any trouble."

Lapis nodded. "I'll try not to be a nuisance. Thank you." She turned around and walked out. Kenny looked concerned and followed her.

"Dude, are you out of your mind?" Kenny asked. "This place fuckin' SUCKS!"

Lapis shrugged as an imp ran past. "It doesn't seem so bad. Look, there are even some other Gems here."

She pointed to a nearby Peridot, who was chained up and being tortured by a demon. "Oh, just wait until I get out of these chains, you insolent—OW! That hurt, you worthless clod!"

Lapis frowned. "Ah. I guess they all have the same vocabulary."

The Peridot glared at Lapis. "You're a racist!" she shouted.

"Where are your limb enhancers, shorty?"

"Why, you disrespectful—LET ME OUT OF THESE CHAINS RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

Lapis looked the other way. What she saw in this OTHER direction was far, far more interesting. A woman in a long, white dress with long, curled pink hair stood on the edge of a platform, staring out into the fiery landscape of Hell. Her back was turned to Lapis and Kenny.

"Say, Kenny…" Lapis muttered. "Wait right here." She walked over to the woman. Kenny rolled his eyes. "Hi," Lapis said when she reached the woman, who turned to stare at her.

"Oh. Hello," the woman said. "I haven't seen you before. Are you new to Hell?"

Lapis shrugged. "You could say that. So, uh, what is this place, exactly?"

The woman sighed. "That's right. You're from Homeworld. This is… where it all ends. This is where you go, when you die."

"Neat."

"If you don't mind me asking, how did you die?" the woman asked. "I don't normally see very many new Gems here in Hell."

Lapis shrugged again. "Uh, I tripped on a brick and shattered my Gem."

The woman turned to stare at Lapis, a shocked expression on her face. She stared in silence for a moment, before closing her eyes and snickering. Her snickers turned to chuckles, her chuckles to laughs. Soon, she was practically rolling on the floor. Lapis laughed along with her, albeit uncomfortably. "Ahaha. Ah, I apologize," the woman said, still holding back laughter. "I do not mean to make light of the situation. That is just… such a slapstick way to go."

"Yeah, I'm a real klutz."

The woman held out her hand. "I'm Rose Quartz," she said. "It's very nice to meet you."

"Lapis Lazuli," Lapis said, shaking Rose's hand. "So, it's my turn to ask, now. How did YOU die?"

"Ah, it's all very complicated," Rose said. "You may have noticed, I don't have a Gem." Lapis looked around. Rose in fact did not have a Gem. "That's because that part of me lives on, on Earth. I gave up my physical form to create something magical."

Lapis stepped backward. "Holy shit," she muttered. This was THAT Rose Quartz.

"Hmm?"

"Uh…" Lapis scratched the back of her neck. "That's… one crazy story, alright!" Should she have told Rose that she knew Steven?

"I did not mean to catch you off guard," Rose apologized. "It is a very hard to believe story. I assure you, however, it's all true."

"No, no, I believe you," Lapis said. "So, uh, what did you create?"

"A child."

"Ah."

Kenny approached the duo. "Lapis? We need to go, now."

"That was a nice chat," Lapis said. Rose Quartz nodded, dismissing her and Kenny. "Jeez, that was weird," she muttered.

"What?"

"I think that was Steven's mom."

"Oh, shit, dude."

As Kenny and Lapis walked, they passed a demon choir.

" _Down, down thy soul is cast  
_ " _From Homeworld whence forth ye fell  
_ " _The path of fire leads thee  
_ " _To the gates of H-E Double Hockey Sticks_

" _Welcome, welcome  
_ " _To H-E Double Hockey Sticks  
_ " _We are all condemned here  
_ " _H-E Double Hockey Sticks now!"_

Lapis joined in. " _My skin is burning and I hear the demons scream and heave  
_ " _Like all the people telling me what I was supposed to believe  
_ " _This place is not so bad can't you tell?—I'm in H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"_

Kenny worriedly followed Lapis as she hopped across stones which floated in a river of lava.

" _I tried so hard to do the things I was told to do  
_ " _Even when I started thinking it might be bull-poo  
_ " _But I couldn't live with doubt and now I've been thrown  
_ " _Into H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"_

The choir seemed to follow Lapis and Kenny wherever they went.

" _Down, down to Satan's realm  
_ " _Forever you shall dwell  
_ " _This is eternal  
_ " _No escape from H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"_

Suddenly, an evil-looking man in a suit and top hat, with a domino mask over his eyes and a mustache, appeared in front of Lapis and Kenny in a fiery explosion.

" _You are condemned and now you serve ME  
_ " _In H-E Double Hockey Sticks!  
_ " _Your soul is darned, I'm Reality  
_ " _In H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"_

Lapis glared at Reality. " _You think I care?  
_ " _You think I'd rather be free?  
_ " _If the world doesn't make sense, then I'd rather be  
_ " _In H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"_

Kenny tugged on Lapis' dress, and tried to warn her that staying in H-E Double Hockey Sticks was a very bad idea. She didn't listen, and continued to indulge the demons and imps.

" _No more worries, no more doubting, no more questioning faith  
_ " _I'm content to walk the fire in this wretched place  
_ " _I belong with Satan—  
_ " _Just like him I also fell.  
_

" _Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Donald Trump, Kenny  
_ " _We're all evil and together for eternity  
_ " _At least things make sense in H-E Double Hockey Sticks,  
_ " _H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"_

Lapis, Kenny, and Reality came to a clearing, which was populated by other denizens of H-E Double Hockey Sticks. The crowd was mostly humans, some of whom were Canadian, though there were some Gems, too. Suddenly, they all found themselves compelled to dance, with Reality directing them.

"Hahaha, yes!" he cackled. "Gosh has darned you ALL to H-E Double Hockey Sticks!" He waved his hand. "Now dance!"

Lapis found herself dancing with a Peridot. This was a weird coincidence- Wait, this was _her_ Peridot. She gasped and backed off, and Peridot disappeared in a cloud of smoke. It was only an apparition.

"Jazz hands!" Reality directed. "Yes, good!"

Adolf Hitler grabbed Lapis' hands and began dancing with her. " _I started a war and killed millions of Jews  
_ " _Now I'm in H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"_

Hitler disappeared into smoke; now, Lapis was dancing with Jeffrey Dahmer. " _I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse  
_ " _I'm in H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"_

Lapis turned. " _You think that's bad?  
_ " _I left my partner behind,"_ her dance partner spun her around, and they were face-to-face; once again it was Peridot, who glared and began to sing accusations.

" _You doubted planet Earth, and abandoned your kind!  
_ " _You're in H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"_

Peridot gained a sadistic, almost hungry-looking grin, and pushed Lapis. A sinkhole opened up beneath the Ocean Gem. She screamed as she fell deeper, deeper, yet deeper into the pits of H-E Double Hockey Sticks. She landed in the center of a dark room, and numerous pillars rose around her. On each pillar stood someone she knew; Peridot, Steven, the Crystal Gems, Jasper…

They formed a sinister choir, and continued to address Lapis in song. " _Down, down to Satan's realm  
_ " _Where the doomed and cursed dwell  
_ " _Fire is burning  
_ " _In H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"_

Lapis was beginning to change her mind. She didn't want to be here anymore. Everyone closed in on her, evil grins across their faces. Peridot—now wearing her limb enhancers—led the charge. Jasper was close behind her.

" _Welcome, welcome,  
_ " _To H-E Double Hockey Sticks  
_ " _We are all condemned here—  
_ " _H-E Double Hockey Sticks now!"_

Lapis yelled, closed her eyes and held her hands over her body. Everything grew silent. She opened one eye. She was back where she started, and sighed in relief. Kenny stood next to her, glaring.

"See what I mean?" he asked. "This isn't a fucking resort."

"Granted, it's a SLIGHTLY hostile environment," Lapis conceded. She stood up and brushed the dirt off of her dress. "BUT it's still less hostile than the cold, dark, unforgiving depths of space."

Kenny just continued to glare. Lapis Lazuli had to be one of the dumbest people he'd ever met, which was saying a lot, considering he knew Cartman. Regardless, he had a duty to make sure she got back to Earth within the next 24 hours. Otherwise, he'd wake up back in his bedroom, and she'd be stuck here and TRULY alone.

Wait. 23 hours. He estimated they'd wasted about an hour prancing around Hell, talking to Steven Universe's mom, and getting wrapped up in a fucking musical number. Kenny had roughly 23 hours to, essentially, get Lapis Lazuli to stop running away from all of her problems.

"...Aw, fuck, dude," he muttered, upon realizing that was an impossible task.

* * *

It was now afternoon in Hell, and Steve was sitting in the living room, reading a newspaper from the surface. "Shit for brains…" he muttered, referring to the President he'd created. Boy, was that a mistake.

Satan entered the room. "Steve, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure thing, Satan," Steve said. "What's up?"

"I'm hearing a lot of things about a 'prophecy' on Earth," Satan explained.

"Prophecy?"

"It's got something to do with aliens and Canadians and it- it just sounds really similar to something that happened like two decades ago." He sighed. "I don't know, I was just wondering if you had anything to do with it."

Steve raised an eyebrow. "That's not something you're planning?"

Satan shook his head. "No, I had no idea about it until today, I thought it was something YOU were planning."

Bannon put the newspaper down and leaned forward, worry in his eyes. "I… gave up trying to take over the world. It's not me."

"Then who?"

"Satan… I think we both know who the obvious culprit is."

Satan sighed. "I know who you're talking about. I'm just hoping it's NOT him."

"There's only one way to find out."

"I don't want to talk to him."

Steve glanced out the window. There, he saw Kenny and Lapis, wandering around Hell aimlessly. "Maybe you don't have to," he said.

* * *

That evening, Kenny and Lapis walked down a relatively ordinary-looking street in Hell. Aside from the fire and the brimstone, the street was actually quite nice. Cookie-cutter houses were lined up neatly, with cars and bikes parked on the curb. One could even see Conan O'Brien going to check his mail. Both Kenny and Lapis Lazuli wore earpieces, through which they received instructions from Steve Bannon.

"Alright, listen up you two," Steve said. "The man you're about to meet is dangerous, unpredictable, and a threat to all of planet Earth. He's also a diabolical mastermind, and is willing to do whatever it takes to get whatever he wants. We need you to figure out if he has anything to do with this new apocalypse prophecy that may or may not affect Earth in 2018 and, if possible, put a stop to his plans."

"If this guy's so dangerous," Lapis asked, "why don't you just take him out yourself?"

"We HAVE taken him out," Steve replied. "Several times. But, like, it's Hell. If we kill him, where is he supposed to go? Detroit?"

Now Satan was speaking over the earpiece. "I sent him to Heaven in 2001, because only Mormons go to Heaven and I felt that somebody as sociopathic as him would find the most torture in being trapped with nothing but the nicest people in the universe, but in 2002 he escaped and became the Prime Minister of Canada."

Kenny's eyes widened. This sounded way too familiar. "Wait a second…"

"On Christmas, 2003, he was found, captured, and executed, and sent back to Hell," Steve continued. "You're approaching his residence now."

Kenny glanced at the mailbox as he and Lapis entered the front yard. The lettering on the side read "Hussein". "Oh, shit."

This was the residence of Saddam Hussein, the insane former President of Iraq (or Iran, what's the difference?) who at least twice had taken over Canada, and who at one point had manipulated Canadians and Americans into going to war to fulfill a prophecy that would allow him to rule over Earth. He was also, at one point, Satan's boyfriend—this fact was made uncomfortably apparent to Kenny during one of his prior trips to Hell, after he'd tried to imitate a stunt he saw in the Terrance and Phillip movie.

If Saddam Hussein was plotting something, Kenny wasn't sure he and Lapis alone would be able to stop him. The man was so powerful, Satan could just BARELY subdue him. How the hell were THEY supposed to do it, especially if they couldn't exactly kill him?

"Oh, uh, one more thing," Satan said. "We've arranged for you to meet with another denizen of Hell. She knows her way around, so if worse comes to worse, follow her lead. Okay? Good luck."

Kenny and Lapis approached Saddam Hussein's front door. Standing in front of it was Rose Quartz, because of _course_ it was. "Are you two the ones who were sent to investigate Saddam Hussein's residence?"

Lapis nodded. "Are you our escort?" she asked. Kenny said something Lapis couldn't quite hear through his parka, then laughed hysterically.

Rose Quartz glanced at Kenny and raised her eyebrows. It seemed SHE heard him, but thought better than to repeat it. "Let's head inside, then," she muttered.

Kenny glanced at his watch. Time was moving faster than he'd anticipated—his time was half up. He had about twelve hours to convince Lapis that Hell was not good. Maybe meeting Saddam would be the nail in the coffin…

Lapis walked up to the door and knocked. Kenny, caught off-guard, widened his eyes and glared at her, while Rose Quartz just shushed her.

"Lapis Lazuli!" Rose hissed.

"What the fuck is your problem?!" Kenny asked in a hushed tone.

"What?" Lapis didn't see the problem. "If he's NOT guilty, then he'll just let us in. If he IS guilty, or if he's not home, we'll just have to break the door down anyway. Might as well knock first, see if we can save ourselves the trouble."

Kenny pinched his nose bridge. "Ugh…"

Suddenly, the door opened, scaring both Kenny and Rose. "Whaddya want?" the man on the other side answered.

Lapis wrinkled her nose and stared at the man with a look of both bewilderment and disgust. His face was just a photograph. Kenny and Rose seemed not to notice—or care—but Lapis DEFINITELY noticed. It was a photo. This man had a regular, albeit Canadian-looking body, but his face was very clearly a photo. Lapis briefly imagined if someone had printed out a cheap Polaroid of HER face and slapped it in front of her actual face. That's what this looked like. Was this what Hell really was?

"Well?" the man said, his photo face flapping open like a Canadian's. "I haven't got all day, sweet cheeks."

Lapis cleared her throat. "Oh, um, hello! My friends and I are new in town, and, uh… we just wanted to… meet the neighbors!"

"Meet the neighbors? Well sure thing, guy! Come on in!" The man, who Lapis presumed was Saddam Hussein, opened the door wide. He seemed to have a perpetual grin on his face. Of course, this was probably because his face was a still photograph—wait it just changed.

Lapis blinked. Was she crazy? Saddam's photo face seemed to… change angles? She shook her head. If Hell could conjure visions of Peridot, it probably was just making this guy's face look weird to… psyche her out. Or something. This guy couldn't ACTUALLY have had a photograph for a face. She was imagining it. That was why Kenny and Rose didn't seem put off by it. It had to be.

Saddam sat down on his couch. "Come on, guy, take a seat, stay a while!" His guests obliged, and took seats on the chairs in the room. "So! What are you poor assholes in for?"

"I don't understand," Lapis responded.

Rose leaned over and whispered. "Being in Hell is supposed to be a punishment."

"It is?" Lapis whispered back. "This place seems okay to me." Kenny facepalmed.

"Ah, it doesn't matter," Saddam said eventually. "Hell's great! The weather's nice, it's not humid, there's no Mormons… what more could the President of Iran ask for?"

Rose tilted her head. "I thought you were the President of Iraq."

"Iraq, Iran, iPad, what's the difference? Don't worry about it, buddy! ...oh, where are my manners! Can I get you anything to drink?"

Rose looked like she had something else to say, as she had opened her mouth and held up a finger, but she decided against it a moment later, and closed her mouth.

"Just a glass of water, please," Lapis responded. Saddam nodded, and went to go fetch the drink.

Rose leaned over to whisper something else to Lapis. "This isn't going anywhere. Any ideas?"

She had one. As soon as Saddam returned, Lapis started Plan B. "Yeah, this 'Hell' place seems great," Lapis said, leaning back. "But, you know, what I'd really like is to be able to get revenge on the living."

Saddam raised an eyebrow, maybe. "Really? What do you mean?"

"Well, you know, I was treated REALLY badly back on Earth," Lapis said.

Rose blinked. "Earth?"

"My 'friends' sucked, my life sucked, the only people I REALLY tolerated were this human kid and a Peridot, so that's how you know I'd hit rock bottom." Lapis laughed. She was SUCH a good actor. "Can you believe it? Me, tolerating a PERIDOT? Saddam, we've got this caste system on Homeworld, and Peridots are some of the lowest on the list. Just above Pearls, of course." She smirked. "So, you know, some days, I just wanted to blow the whole planet up. Sure is too bad we can't do that now."

Saddam appeared to consider something. He glanced in both directions, got up, and closed the curtains on his windows. "You want to see something REALLY sweet?"

Lapis shrugged. "Impress me."

Saddam left the room for a moment. Lapis, Kenny, and Rose all glanced at each other, unsure what was going on.

"That was a rather convincing act," Rose complimented.

Lapis chuckled. "Only about half of that was an act."

"Which part?"

"The part where I said I merely tolerated Peridot." Lapis frowned. "That was… that was a lie and a half. She means a lot to me. You might even say I… tolerate her a lot."

Rose smiled. "Aw, that's sweet!"

"God, you sound just like Steven."

"Beg your pardon? I didn't quite catch that."

"Nothing, don't worry about it."

When Saddam returned, he carried an easel. "This is gonna blow you the fuck away," he said. "Get this. There's this PROPHECY that some bad shit's about to go down on Earth." Saddam set the easel up, and flipped the cover over. "It all started in 2012, when Member Berries resurfaced in several parts of the world. The Member Berries rallied behind divisive and controversial political figures, like Herbert Garrison, Nigel Farage, Vladimir Putin, and Shinzō Abe. Garrison, Putin, and Abe would later go on to be elected the leaders of their home countries, while Farage would successfully convince the United Kingdom to leave the European Union. This trend reached a peak in 2016, and continued into 2017 and 2018.

"So that's the first part of the prophecy," he continued. "Growing political unrest fueled by Member Berries."

"But the Member Berries were destroyed last year," Lapis pointed out.

"Doesn't matter!" Saddam laughed. "The damage was already done! So, on to the next part of the prophecy. In 2014, every ocean on Earth disappeared overnight."

Lapis frowned. "Oops."

"That was to be followed by an alien invasion—which it was, the following year."

"OOPS."

"After President Garrison was elected, one of those aliens was elected Mayor of some pissant beach resort town."

Lapis sighed. "Peridot…" she grumbled.

"Oprah Winfrey, Dwayne Johnson, Kanye West…" Saddam listed off. "All these people who don't belong anywhere NEAR politics are suddenly getting involved. And it's no coincidence."

"It's not?" Kenny asked.

"It's all part of the prophecy. The next part of the prophecy has yet to happen."

The room fell silent. Rose decided she'd be the one to ask the question. "What is the next part of the prophecy?"

Saddam chuckled—and drew a gun. "That three nosy little shits would show up and start asking too many questions."

Kenny sighed. "Oh, fuck, dude."

"You really think I didn't recognize you, kid?" Saddam asked. "Do you think I'm some kind of fucking moron or something? You're one of those shitheads that fucked up my plans last time!"

Rose stood up. "Give it up, Saddam. Your plan is coming to a halt right here."

"Yeah! What are you gonna do, kill us?" Kenny asked.

"No, no," Saddam said. "I couldn't kill you. You're in Hell. You're already dead. Where are you going to go, Detroit? No, killing you wouldn't do anything." He turned to Lapis. "I could kill her, though."

Rose raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"SHE'S not dead. She still has a soul."

Lapis crossed her arms. "How can you possibly know that?"

"Auras. Or, something. I just can, okay? Don't worry about it, guy, fuck you."

Rose glanced at Lapis. "Lapis, if it is true that you're not dead, you need to leave. Saddam CAN kill you here, and then you'd actually be dead."

"Is that such a problem?" Lapis asked. "Hell doesn't seem so bad."

"It might not seem bad now, but it WILL be once you're unable to leave," Rose said. No, sorry. Steven said.

Lapis blinked and rubbed her eyes. Steven was standing in front of her. "Lapis, I KNOW you don't want to stay here!" he repeated. "This place is really bad! It's really hot, and it smells bad, and everyone is really mean!"

"Yeah!" Kenny said. Peridot said. Peridot was standing in Kenny's place. "Lazuli, you need to quit running away from your problems, you clod!" she yelled. "That's what this is, isn't it? You're running away from your problems, here. You're running away from ME."

Lapis' eyes widened, and she took a step back. "No, I-I'm just trying to–"

"Don't listen to them, Lapis Lazuli!" Saddam said. "Stay here…" he said, as his body morphed. Jasper towered over Lapis. "With ME!"

Lapis' defensive look became a distressed one. "No."

"Yeah."

"No."

"Yuh huh."

Lapis glared and marched over to Jasper. "No." Suddenly, Jasper grabbed her wrist and pulled her closer.

"What are you going to do to stop me from KEEPING you here?"

"Let go–"

"Answer me."

"Let go of me!"

"Face it, Lazuli," Jasper said, grinning. "You're not STRONG ENOUGH to go back. You're weak. That's why you need ME."

Lapis tried to break free from Jasper's incredibly strong grip. She tried to stay calm. She knew Hell was just playing tricks on her, she knew she was hallucinating, she knew Jasper wasn't actually here, but this was still SUPER fucked up. Jasper chuckled while Lapis struggled. Finally, Lapis glared, and punched her in the nose, cracking her Gem.

Actually, she'd just punched Saddam Hussein in the nose, which caused Kenny to jump. "Holy shit, dude!"

Lapis glared at Jasper. "Get out!" she yelled, as she grabbed her would-be captor—and also her would-be prisoner—and held her up against the wall.

Saddam Hussein freaked out. "Whoa! Whoa, hey, relax, guy! What's the big fuckin' idea?!"

Kenny cheered. "Yeah, dude, kick the shit out of him!"

"No, do NOT kick the shit out of me!" Saddam yelled. "You can't kill me, genius! If you do, I'll just appear back in Hell again and kill you back!"

"I'm not going to kill you," Lapis responded. "You might not be able to die, but you can still feel pain, yes?"

Saddam hesitated. "N-no."

"Oh? So you won't mind if I do this." Lapis swung Saddam around and let go, sending him crashing across his own coffee table. "That didn't hurt, right?"

"Ow, fuck!" Saddam yelled standing up and yanking a blood-stained shard of glass out of his side.

"He's bleeding!" Rose pointed out. "He DOES feel pain!"

Kenny ran over and punched Saddam in the face, giving him a black eye. Saddam fell down, and Lapis ran over to begin kicking him while he was down.

"Bet this doesn't hurt, huh?" she asked. Kenny laughed sadistically.

"Stop! Stop, Jesus Christ, buddy, you're all maniacs!"

Rose stepped in and grabbed Lapis's shoulder. "Stop," she commanded. "We've proved our point."

Lapis smiled and stepped back. "That felt really good." Kenny kicked Saddam one more time, and Lapis snorted. "Okay, okay, we're done."

"Hell no you aren't!" Saddam yelled, standing back up. He was bloodied and bruised. "You don't kick Saddam Hussein while he's down! I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

Suddenly, several imps and demons ran into the house. "Stop right there!" one of them yelled. "This is the HPD! Put your hands where we can see them!"

Saddam raised his arms. "Hey, come on, buddy, can't we talk about this?"

"No, we can't," a deep voice came from the back of the crowd. The demons split up to make way for Satan, who entered the home, followed by Steve Bannon. "It's over, Saddam. We were listening the whole time. We know what you're planning."

"I'm not PLANNING anything!" Saddam said. "This prophecy is happening no matter what! Arresting me won't do shit!"

"Take him away," Steve ordered. The demons surrounded Saddam and cuffed him. "Send him to Heaven. I'm sure Joseph Smith misses him."

"Aw, fuck that guy!" Saddam yelled as he was dragged out. "I hate Mormons! They're too nice!" He glared at Lapis, Kenny, and Rose.

After Saddam and the demons left, Satan approached Lapis, Rose, and Kenny. "You three may have saved the universe," he said. "Saddam had terrible, terrible things planned for the planet, and perhaps even beyond."

"Beyond?" Lapis said, tilting her head. "What do you mean?"

"Well, besides Earth, Hell is a popular destination for the damned souls of any planet where life thrives," he explained. "He likely would have attempted to take over the Gem Homeworld, as well as many other alien planets. The entire galactic community was in danger."

Lapis whistled. "Pretty high-stakes. Sure am glad we took care of him."

Satan nodded. "And now, I must ask… do you still wish to stay in Hell?"

"You're giving me a choice?"

"Of course. Unlike Kenny and Rose, your soul is still your own," Satan explained. "Therefore, if you do not wish to stay here, I cannot keep you."

Lapis glanced at Kenny. She then stared at Satan, who lovingly had his arm around Steve Bannon. She'd been foolish. She saw that now. It was time to make things right. "I think I am ready to return to Earth. There are people I need to talk to, people I need to apologize to. I'm done running away from my problems. But…" she sighed. "I'm not leaving without Kenny."

"What?" Kenny said, surprised.

Satan raised his eyebrows. "Kenny?"

"Kenny doesn't deserve to be here," Lapis said. "I don't know how he died, but please… I want him to be allowed to come back to Earth with me. I'm sure his friends miss him."

Somehow, this melted the Prince of Darkness's heart. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. "I'm sorry, Lapis," he sighed. "I cannot allow Kenny to leave this place. His soul belongs to me for all eternity." Technically, that wasn't true, but as far as most people knew, it was. And the less people knew, the better.

Lapis frowned. She knew, however, that it wasn't worth arguing; there were still people waiting for her in the land of the living.

"I'll be okay," Kenny comforted. "This place isn't so ba—" he was caught off-guard when Lapis crouched down and hugged him, completely knocking the breath out of him.

"I'm sorry," Lapis said. "I don't know how this happened, but I'm sure you didn't deserve it. I know you hate me, but… If I could get you out of here, I would, in a heartbeat."

Kenny was genuinely touched. He hadn't met anyone this saddened by one of his deaths since… well, not since that time he had muscular dystrophy. It was honestly a little heartbreaking. Even though HE knew this wasn't the end, Lapis thought it was. And it made him… emotional. So he started to cry. It really FELT like the end.

Although he hadn't known her very long, Kenny realized in that moment that Lapis was his friend. Sure, she was rough around the edges and seemed like kind of a cold-hearted bitch, but deep down… she really cared. About Peridot, about Steven… and about him.

Kenny hugged Lapis back, tears streaming down both of their faces. Truthfully, there was no reason for Kenny to comfort her. He'd be back in South Park tomorrow, and she wouldn't remember seeing him in Hell. She'd remember GOING to Hell, but she wouldn't remember how she got there. She wouldn't remember watching Kenny enter the fiery vortex. She wouldn't remember the conversation they were having right now. She wouldn't even remember that Kenny helped her defeat Saddam Hussein. Tomorrow morning, Kenny himself would be effectively eradicated from all of Lapis's memories of Hell… a cognitive retcon, if you will.

Still, even if she wouldn't remember it, she was upset right NOW. And she didn't deserve to be. So Kenny comforted her. "Don't worry about me," he said. "We'll meet again. I promise."

"How can you promise that?" Lapis asked. "You're… here."

"Trust me," Kenny responded. "Don't ask me how it'll happen or how I know it'll happen. But you WILL see me again. Trust me when I say that. Do you trust me?"

Lapis hesitated. "I do," she said. "Every ounce of common sense I have is telling me you're just saying that to make me feel better. But… my heart is telling me to believe you. I believe you know what you're talking about. And I trust you when you say we'll meet again."

"Good." Kenny backed away and wiped his tears away. "Come on. Peridot's waiting for you."

* * *

Kenny, Satan, and Steve walked Lapis to the stairway that led back to Earth. "I hope you're able to make up with your friends," Satan said once they were at the bottom of the staircase.

"I hope so too," Lapis said. "I haven't seen them all in so long… what if they don't WANT to see me?"

"You mustn't let doubt stop you," Steve said. "If you don't do this now, you'll regret it for the rest of your life." He gestured back into Hell. "Maybe even after your life is over. Just like how I regret getting Mr. Garrison elected."

"You regret that?" Kenny asked.

"Oh, hell yeah. Big time."

Lapis began walking up the stairs. She turned around and looked at the group behind her. She smiled. Satan wasn't so bad after all. "Goodbye, you guys," she said.

Kenny removed his hood, revealing his messy blonde hair, and smiled back at Lapis. He, Satan, and Steve waved her off. "Goodbye, Lapis," he said.

Still smiling, Lapis took a deep breath. "Okay, Lazuli. You can do this." A determined look on her face, she began marching up the stairs, while the group continued to wave her off.

Eventually, Lapis disappeared in the light at the top of the stairs, and the group stopped waving. They all stayed, however, and continued to stare. Satan sighed.

"What's wrong, Satan?" Steve asked.

"I just… can't shake the feeling that something really bad is about to happen," Satan said. "What if Saddam really WASN'T behind that prophecy? What if it's all just going to happen anyway?"

"What was the next part of the prophecy?"

Satan looked uncomfortable. "Civil war."

Suddenly, Kenny's watch began to beep.

"Well, looks like your time's up, Kenny," Satan said. Kenny began to fade away. "When can we expect you next?"

"Hopefully not for another few seasons," Kenny quipped. "Or maybe I'll be back next week. Who knows." Kenny had almost completely faded away now. "See you later," he said as he disappeared completely from Hell.

The Freedom Pals exited Mephesto's lab, now dressed in their civilian attire. "This is bullshit," Stan said. "I hate this game now."

Wendy patted him on the back. "There, there, Stan. Why don't we find a different game to play?"

Stan shrugged. Kenny approached the group. "Hey guys, what'd I miss?" he asked through his parka hood.

"Oh, hey, Kenny," Kyle greeted. "Where have you been, dude? You missed the entire game."

"Oh, you know, just over there," he said, pointing in a random direction. "Wanna play Cowboys vs. Mexicans?"

"Sure, but don't invite any of the Crystal Gems, they suck," Stan said. "Peridot's really good at these games for some reason, she makes them super not fun."

Kenny shrugged. "I don't know. Some of them are alright."

"What, have you been hanging out with them?" Cartman laughed. "Hey. Hey guys. Kyenny's been hanging out with Crystal Gems!"

"Knock it off, Cartman," Kyle said, glaring.

"I'm JUST saying, he's been gone ALL DAY, and he's trying to tell us the Crystal Gems are his best friends now," Cartman defended. "What am I SUPPOSED to take from that?"

"Maybe he just thinks you're being really harsh, fatass!" Kyle accused.

"AY! I'm not fat, and Stan's the one who said it, not me!"

Kenny ignored them. He wondered how Lapis was doing.

The beach house was completely dark, except for the area in front of Steven's bed, where he and Peridot were wrapped up in sleeping bags watching a cutscene in the video game they'd been taking turns playing.

* * *

" _...Aw, nigga, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, nigga, maybe if you got rid of that old yee-yee ass haircut you got you'd get some bitches on ya dick. Oh, better yet, maybe Tanisha will call yo dog ass if she ever stops fuckin' with that brain surgeon or lawyer she's fuckin' with. Nigga~."_

" _...What?"_

Peridot grinned. "He's my favorite character."

Steven frowned. "Peridot, you aren't supposed to LIKE any of these characters, they're criminals."

"I'm sorry, who's the war criminal in this room?" Peridot placed a finger on Steven's nose. "Boop. You. You are." Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

Steven raised an eyebrow. "I wonder who that could be?" he asked nobody in particular. Peridot still had her finger on his nose.

"I'll get it," she mumbled, standing up out of her sleeping bag and walking over to the door. Once there, she yawned, and opened it. "No solicitors—" Peridot stopped. She stared up at the figure in front of her, her eyes widening. She almost didn't believe it.

"Peridot," Lapis said. "We need to talk."


	8. Chapter 8: The First Room Mate

**A/N: I have a lot of ideas for this story I really like, I think it might end up being the longest one I've done so far. The semi-episodic nature certainly helps. The reader who's been asking for an Aquamarine chapter is gonna get one for sure, a few days ago I came up with a basic premise that I think is really funny so you'll all be seeing that one soon.**

* * *

Peridot stared up at the figure in front of her, her eyes widening. She almost didn't believe it.

"Peridot," Lapis said. "We need to talk."

Peridot was still in shock. She just stared at Lapis. A million words were running through her mind at once but she didn't know which ones to say. Thankfully, Lapis did most of the talking for her.

"I know what you're going to say," she began. "I know you… probably have a lot of things TO say. I was wrong, I was careless, and reckless, and didn't care about YOUR feelings. I've done a lot of internal reflection since I left. I… I must have hurt you, a lot. And for that, I apologize. And you don't have to forgive me, not right away. I don't expect everything to go back to the way it was. All I'm asking… is for another chance. Another chance to–"

"Who's at the door?" asked a young African American woman in skimpy clothing and heels, who approached the door. "It is two in the god damn morning, can't a girl get some motherfuckin' sleep in this town?"

Lapis stared at the woman in silence for several minutes, a blank expression on her face. Finally, she glanced down at Peridot. "Who's this?"

Peridot glanced uncomfortably between the woman and Lapis. "Uh…. ahem," she cleared her throat and adopted a cold, calculated stare. "Lazuli. After your… regrettable decision, I conducted an introspective review. I came to the conclusion that I strongly desire long term companionship from like-minded females, and cannot function efficiently alone."

The new woman looked down at Peridot. "Bitch, if you're gay, just say you're gay, there ain't no need to be all fuckin' convoluted and shit with that fuckin' 'genderless space alien' bullshit, you're not fuckin' slick."

"As such," Peridot continued, "I realized that living on my own simply wouldn't do. So, I put an ad out on Craigslist for a new roommate. This is CLASSi. My new roommate."

Lapis stared at CLASSi. "Classy?"

CLASSi shook her head. "Uh-uh. CLASSi. With an I. And a little dick hanging off the C that bends around and fucks the L out of the A-S-S-."

Lapis blinked. CLASSi was… even sassier than she was. She stared at Peridot. "You… replaced me?"

Suddenly, Peridot's dignified look disappeared, and her eyes widened. She realized almost immediately that she was offending Lapis, which was 100% not what she wanted to do. She just wanted not to look desperate. "No no! Not replaced! CLASSi was simply an interim roommate, so that I could-"

"So that you could find a more permanent person to replace me."

"No, of course not, I just-"

"I was gone for three months, Peridot," Lapis said. "You REPLACED me?"

Peridot glared. "I had to move on sometime. What about YOU?"

"What ABOUT me?"

"You said you wanted to avoid a war, so you had to leave Earth!" Peridot said. "But you DIDN'T leave Earth! You went galavanting around South Park for two frickin' months!"

"I did not galavant!" Lapis said indignantly. It was at this point that Steven walked over to see what all the ruckus was, and saw that Lapis was back. He also saw, however, that Lapis and Peridot were currently having a fight, and, not wanting to interrupt, he slowly backed away and pretended he didn't see anything. "I went to South Park so I could sort some things out. I talked to a lot of people and-"

"But you didn't talk to ME!" Peridot interrupted. "You went out and vented your problems to literally everyone EXCEPT me, the ONE person who'd have heard it! The one person you SHOULD have talked to! I'd have listened! I always have, I always do, and I always will! But instead you… avoided me. Like you… like you hated me. Or something." Peridot grew quiet, and her accusatory look started to look more like a sad one. "Do you… hate me?"

Lapis didn't answer. Not because she didn't HAVE an answer, but because this was not how she'd expected this to go and she was caught off-guard by the question.

Peridot took her former roommate's silence as an answer. "I see. Well, then. Goodbye, Lazuli."

"Wait, Peridot, don't-" The door was closed on Lapis's face. She turned away from the beach house and glanced around the area. Suddenly, she looked really frustrated. "Son of a bitch!" she muttered to herself as she walked away.

Peridot sighed, and turned to CLASSi. "That didn't go well. Do you think I could have handled that better?"

"Don't look at me," CLASSi said. "This ain't my problem, y'all niggas need to sort through your shit on your own, I am a busy motherfuckin' woman and I need my motherfuckin' beauty rest." CLASSi marched over to the bathroom she shared with Peridot and slammed the door.

* * *

The Oval Office was empty, as it had been since December. With the President missing, and the House Fusion having yet to make its way to the Senate, the United States government had no functioning leadership, and was forced to shut down.

The doors slammed open. White House Chief of Staff John Kelly entered, dragging President Garrison along with him. "Mr. President, you have to stop struggling!" he ordered. "This is for your own good!" Kelly placed a still-kicking Garrison into the chair at the Resolute Desk. "You're behind on ALL of your work. You have a federal budget to pass…"

"Oh, jeez."

"...a meeting with FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller…"

"Ohhh, jeeez."

"...and the United Nations is sending an envoy to question you about your nuclear attack on Canada."

"Ohhhhhh jeeeeeeez."

"You also have meetings with US, South Korean, and Japanese generals about North Korea, a luncheon at the Central Intelligence Agency to discuss Russian cyber attacks, a meeting with a dietician to help you with your weight problem-"

The President glared. "I am not fat, I'm big boned."

"According to the BMI, sir, you're two pounds away from being obese." Kelly coughed. "And if we hadn't been generous in calculating your height, you WOULD be obese."

"I am six-three!" Garrison retorted.

"Sure you are, Mr. President. Sure you are."

"The BMI is bullshit, anyway, it doesn't take your muscle mass into account."

Kelly rolled his eyes. "Yes sir, Mr. President."

"I'm really buff, you know," the President continued. "Don't you see all the fanart that my followers keep sending me on Twitter?"

"Yes, Mr. President, it's extremely easy to keep track of the people who still like you. They are few in numbers and speak very, very loudly."

An aide entered the room. "Mr. President, the Prime Minister of Canada is here to see you."

Garrison's eyes widened. "Oh, shit, tell him I'm not home!"

The Canadian Prime Minister marched into the room, an angry glare on his still-burned face. "Hey! There you are!" he yelled, his head flapping angrily. "Where the FUCK have you been?!"

Garrison straightened his posture. "Ah, Prime Minister Trudeau! Welcome! How, uh… how's the… thing, going?"

"Terrible!" Trudeau yelled. "Thanks to YOU, Toronto has been COMPLETELY obliterated! And then some asshole American spies calling themselves the 'Gem Crystals' came and ousted the Council of Presidents, and the citizens of New Toronto rioted and burned what remained of the city to the ground!"

"American spies?" Garrison asked. "No, no, I didn't send them, they aren't even American!"

The Canadian Prime Minister held up a packet of papers. "This is your signature, yes?"

"Yes, it is."

"This is a law passed by YOUR government which, among other things, granted full US citizenship to all of the Gems currently on Earth! It was in full effect when they came into Canada! Therefore, they're YOUR responsibility!"

Garrison groaned. "Oh, jeez, I did sign that bill, didn't I?"

"Your country is in a lot of fucking trouble, Mr. President!" the Prime Minister continued. "As if nuking our city wasn't bad enough, you sent spies into our territory? That's an act of war!"

"Well, now, hold on," Garrison tried to deflect the situation. "We- we don't even know that the Gems who ravaged Canada were even ON Earth at the time the bill was signed! The bill clearly states that only the Gems who were ON Earth when the bill was passed would be granted citizenship. Maybe these ones came later!"

The Prime Minister turned his head. "There's no way on Earth you could prove that!"

Garrison snapped his fingers. "That's the spirit! So, we have a deal, then! If I can prove that there are Gems on Earth now that WEREN'T on Earth when the bill was passed, you have to concede to the possibility that the Gems that caused New Toronto to burn to the ground were just a bunch of Randos!"

"I suppose so, yes." Trudeau stood up and marched back to the door. "If you can't prove it, though… god help you, buddy." He slammed the door shut, leaving the President alone with his Chief of Staff.

"John," Garrison said, "get that Turd Sandwich in Delmarva on the line."

"Yes sir," Kelly responded.

* * *

It was morning now on the East Coast, and Steven was already awake and ready to begin his day. He yawned, and marched over to the sink to begin his morning routine. This was when he noticed Peridot was already sitting at the island, a mug in her hand. "Oh, Peridot. You're up early."

"I'm up still," she said, taking a sip from the mug. The mug was empty. She just thought this was how people were supposed to begin their mornings. "CLASSi had… uh… a 'friend' over last night, so I just sat here all night."

Steven raised an eyebrow. "A friend?"

Peridot nodded slowly. She looked slightly traumatized. Steven shrugged and started soaking a towel in water. "Steven, where do babies come from?"

"What?"

"It's just… I think CLASSi was doing it wrong."

The conversation didn't get very far. Steven's phone rang. He picked it up and glanced at the caller ID. "202… that's a Capital City area code. Who could this be?" he answered it and placed the phone to his ear. "Universe residence, Steven Universe speaking." Steven raised an eyebrow at the voice on the other end, then adopted a bored glare. "Ugh. It's for you," he said, handing the phone to Peridot.

"Who is it?" Peridot asked.

"It's the President."

"Oh, for crying out loud." She held the phone up to her ear. "What do you want?"

Garrison stood at his window in the Oval Office and stared out at the city, one hand behind his back. "Hey, gay leprechaun, what's up?"

"Nothing's 'up', Garrison," Peridot responded. "Is this important or should I just hang up?"

CLASSi approached the island, dressed only in a bathrobe. "Are you talking to the President?" she asked. "Ask him why Jeff Sessions' gnome-lookin' ass wants to take away my motherfuckin' medicine."

Peridot paused. "My roommate wants to know why 'Jeff Sessions' gnome-looking ass' wants to take away her 'motherfucking medicine'."

"Listen, Peridot, you and your scissor sister broke up, right?" the President continued without missing a beat. "Like, she left the planet and all that shit, right?"

"Well, she's back, now."

"Right, but WHEN did she leave?"

"I don't know, November?" Peridot let go of the phone and simply let it levitate. "Listen, we actually just had a fight last night and I'm still quite upset over it, so if there's nothing else—"

"The FATE of the COUNTRY depends on this, Peridot!" Garrison cut her off. "If I can't prove that there's at least one Gem on Earth who ISN'T a US citizen that POTENTIALLY was in Canada at some point after Christmas, the Canadians are going to go to fucking war!"

Peridot sighed. "Okay, when did you pass the law?"

"The Crystal Bill was officially signed by me on December 7th, a few months after you, me, Governor Carney, and Delmarva's Congressmen introduced it into the House."

"Then yes, Lapis was gone by that point," Peridot responded. "As far as I'm aware, she left in November, returned briefly mid-December, and made her first move to permanently return to Earth last night."

"Well great!" Garrison said. "Can I talk to her?"

"I don't know where she is."

The President frowned. "Well, what? What do you mean?"

"I mean I don't know where she is. Like I said, we had a fight last night and she ran off again, she could be anywhere by now."

* * *

The sun rose over the Colorado Rockies, signaling the dawn of a new day in the quiet little mountain town of South Park. A fresh blanket of snow coated the ground. The children of South Park, predictably, were all getting ready for school.

Craig heard the doorbell ring and walked to answer. Tweek was standing on the other side. He looked slightly annoyed. "Oh, hey, Tweek. What's going on?"

Tweek just sighed, and stepped aside. Lapis walked into view and waved. "Hi, Craig!" she said.

"Oh, god damn it!"

Lapis entered the house. "So, Craig, I followed your advice and it backfired horribly, so I was wondering if you could give me some better advice this time?"

"Leave!" Craig said. "I have to go to school. I'm not going to be late because you can't sort through your own bullshit without me holding your hand."

"Oh, well, you can hold Tweek's hand, if you want."

"Bye." Craig pushed past Lapis, grabbed Tweek's hand, and started walking towards school.

Lapis put her hands on her hips. "Well, that was rude." She stood in front of Craig's house for a moment, because she really didn't have much else to do at this point. After a while, however, she heard a helicopter flying overhead. Then two. Then three. She looked up. Three black helicopters hovered over the house. "Oh, what now?"

Several black Cadillac Escalades suddenly pulled up to the house. Suited men in sunglasses stepped out of the vehicles. "There she is!" one of them shouted. "Secure the target!"

"Who are you—HEY, get off of me!" The men grabbed Lapis and dragged her, kicking and screaming, into the central car, a heavily-armored Cadillac limousine. "Let go of me!"

"Hello, Lapis," the orange-skinned man inside said, leaning forward. "You must be wondering why I kidnapped you just now."

"Yeah, I am, who are you?"

Mr. Garrison blinked. "You- You don't remember me?"

"Nope."

"I'm Mr. Garrison."

"The name doesn't ring a bell."

"The President of the United States."

Lapis rolled her eyes. "You can't expect me to keep track of who the President is at any given time. There have been, like, two of them since I came to Earth. That's a lot of names to remember."

"You thwarted an attempt by me and Steve Bannon to destroy the Crystal Gems with Member Berries and a Corrupting Light."

"Steve _who_?"

Garrison sighed and smacked his forehead. "Look, I need your help. You've been off-planet for a while, right?"

"For the most part."

"So that means you're not a US citizen."

"I guess?" Lapis tilted her head. "Wait, am I being deported? I JUST got back."

"No, I don't think we have a deportation catapult big enough to send you all the way back to where you're from." A Secret Service agent leaned over and whispered into the President's ear. "What- what do you mean we don't have ANY catapults? That was in my budget request."

"Just what is it you want from me?" Lapis asked.

"I heard you're in need of a roommate, to make your ex-scissor sister jealous," Garrison explained. "I'm in need of an illegal alien to hang around and convince the Canadian government that there are other Gems on Earth besides the Crystal Gems. Perhaps we could work something out?"

Lapis glared at Garrison. "Make Peridot jealous? That's so dirty, and cheap, and… sitcom-like. I don't want to make her JEALOUS, if she wants to be CLASSi's roommate, that's her choice."

Garrison lowered his head so that his forehead was casting a shadow on the rest of his face. "Well then it's a good thing I don't believe in a woman's right to choose," he said darkly. "Lapis, face it. The only way to get Peridot to take you back is to make you see what she's missing. If she sees that your roommate is the President of the United States, she'll come RUNNING back."

"No she won't. That's dumb. You're dumb."

The Commander in Chief groaned. "Just come be the First Roommate, will you? I need this more than you do. I am a desperate, sick, angry little man and you're exactly the image boost I need to keep the Canadians from bombing the shit out of us."

Lapis appeared to consider it as she sighed, and leaned back into the seat. "Alright. Fine. I'll do it. I'll be… the First Roommate."

* * *

The Channel 5 news anchor tapped his papers together and began reading off the news of the day. "Interesting developments out of the White House today, as First Roommate Lapis Lazuli prepares to move into the executive residence. Lazuli is, of course, making history today by becoming the first woman to hold the title of First Roommate while also not being a native-born citizen of the United States. On the scene to bring us more details about Ms. Lazuli is a Midget Wearing a Bikini."

A Midget Wearing a Bikini stood on the White House's North Lawn, a microphone in one hand, as he addressed the news-watching audience. Behind him stood a large crowd of onlookers. "Tom, crowds have gathered from all across the country to watch as First Roommate Lapis Lazuli arrives to the White House via helicopter. Already she's attracted quite a bit of attention from the American public. Lazuli has, of course, been invited to lunch with the former First Roommates, including Michelle Obama, Laura and Barbara Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Rosalynn Carter. With the President's popularity with women dwindling dramatically amid controversial comments made at the March for Life, many are wondering; will First Roommate Lazuli be able to change his tune?"

* * *

Lapis sat in a super uncomfortable but super stylish chair, holding a cup of tea. Sitting at the table with her were the all of the currently-living former First Roommates. First Roommate Michelle Obama cleared her throat.

"So, Lapis, how are you liking the White House?" she asked. "Are you settling in alright?"

Lapis shrugged. "I'm not really settled in, yet. It's a big place."

Hillary nodded. "You know, Bill and I always believed it was one of the most beautiful buildings in the country. What do you think of it, Lapis?"

Lapis shrugged. "I mean, it LOOKS nice, and all, but there's nothing to… you know, to DO." The women all laughed. "What, what's so funny?"

Michelle shook her head. "Nothing, sweetie. It's just that… well, there's not SUPPOSED to be anything to do there. It's not there to ENTERTAIN you, it's there to LOOK pretty!"

Lapist frowned. "Both functions are equally functionless," she reasoned. "It's the home of—allegedly—the most powerful human on Planet Earth. If the building isn't going to be PRACTICAL, it could at least be ENTERTAINING."

"But it's not for YOU," Michelle said. "It's for the people LOOKING AT you. It's a status symbol. The First Roommate is the most respected woman in the nation."

Lapis crossed her arms and blew a tuft of her messy hair out of her face. "That's dumb."

"What _I'm_ more concerned about is the President," Hillary said, moving on to the next subject.

"What do you mean?" Lapis asked.

"Well, it's no secret he has problems getting along with women," Michelle commented. "Living with him is going to be interesting for you, to say the least."

Lapis shrugged. "I'm sure it'll be fine." Suddenly, the phone she'd been given by White House security buzzed. A CNN report appeared on her screen. "Hmm? What's this?"

"Looks like the President tweeted something," Hillary said.

 _Congratulations to all of the fat skanks who went to the Women's March last week! Let me know how much weight you lost._

Lapis just read the tweet over and over again. "Wow, _that's_ not okay."

"Get used to it," Michelle said. "We all have."

* * *

Garrison sat at his desk with a landline phone in his hand. He wore a baseball cap that read 'Fuck Them All to Death!' and stared directly at a nearby camera man. "Okay, take a couple of really good shots so people think I'm actually working today," he said.

The Canadian Prime Minister entered the room. "Well, Mr. President? Where is she?"

"Where is who?"

"The new First Roommate, buddy. We have to verify that she's not American."

"How are you going to do that?"

As if on cue, Lapis entered the Oval Office. "Herbert," she said, glaring at him. "What was that tweet?!"

Garrison was taken aback. "Did you just call me by my first name?"

"Well, yeah, Peridot and I were on a first name basis," Lapis said, rolling her eyes.

"She only HAS one name!"

"Not true. She took my name and Steven's name during her Mayoral campaign to make herself more electable," Lapis corrected. "Legally, her name is 'Peridot Lazuli-Universe', to reflect the two roommates she'd had on Earth up until that point in time."

"Gee, that's pretty fuckin' dumb."

"It is what it is. Herbert Lazuli-Bannon-Jenner-Slave-Hat-Twig-Hat-Garrison, those tweets you're making about women are really offensive!"

"Listen, Lapis, NOBODY respects women more than I do, believe me," the President said as he rolled his eyes and made stank faces. "But sometimes, you gotta put a fat skank in her place."

"Ah, THIS is the First Roommate," Prime Minister Trudeau said. Immediately, Lapis was put off by his flapping head and beady eyes. He almost looked like another species entirely. "I'm glad to finally meet you, buddy. So, are you an American?"

Lapis shook her head. "No, although I don't actually know what that means."

"Hmm. I hope you don't mind if we ask you to… prove it."

"How am I going to prove something like that?"

"It's simple," Trudeau said as he put his hands behind his back and walked towards the window. "We're going to follow you around. Observe the things you do. Everywhere you go, you will be monitored. We will decide whether or not you are American based on what we see."

Garrison glared. "Hey, wait a minute, that wasn't the deal. The deal was if I could PROVE there were Gems on Earth who WEREN'T around when the citizenship bill was passed, you would let me off the hook."

"The deal has been altered. Pray that I don't alter it further."

Lapis shrugged. "Whatever."

Garrison sat down at his desk and groaned. "Oh, jeez…"

* * *

CLASSi sat on Steven's couch, a bowl on the table with a dimebag of 'medicine' sitting right next to it. She began stuffing the medicine into the bowl. Smiling once she was satisfied with it, she pulled out a lighter and held it to the end. Pearl walked by, wincing as she smelled the cannabis ignite. Turning, she glared at CLASSi.

"Can you not do that in here?" she asked.

CLASSi seemed to be ignoring her. "Ooh, yeah, that's some good shit…" she muttered as she leaned into the couch cushions. "This is my medicine right here. I gotta have it or I get all CRAZY."

"Can I see a doctor's note?" Pearl asked smugly. Her smug smile went away when CLASSi actually handed her a note.

 _To whom it may concern:_

 _This is CLASSi's medicine right here. She's gotta have it or she gets all CRAZY. Please allow her to consume her medicine whenever she feels the urge daily, in accordance with your state's medicinal cannabis laws._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Dr. Gouache Doctor, M.D._

 _Hell's Pass Hospital_

 _South Park, CO 80432_

Pearl glared at CLASSi again. Her attention, however, was diverted elsewhere, when she heard several high-pitched voices coming from the bathroom. She groaned and marched over there. Steven and Connie were standing at the door.

"She's been in there since yesterday," Steven said.

Pearl turned the knob, but it was locked. She knocked on the door. "Peridot, can I come in?"

"'Member when Pearl was fun?" a high-pitched voice said from within.

"No, I don't 'member that," another replied. Several high-pitched laughs followed.

Pearl knocked again. "Peridot, I know what happened was upsetting for you. Believe me, I know what you're going through. But… you were able to move on before, weren't you? Don't let last night totally destroy the progress you've made."

No response. After a minute of silence, Pearl sighed. The Member Berries inside began to sing "Africa", so Peridot probably wouldn't be able to hear her pleas anyway. She walked away, hoping that Peridot would get over it in her own time.

"Man, I hate seeing Peridot like this," Steven sighed. "She was finally starting to get over it, and then… last night happened. And it's starting to bum me out, too, because I miss hanging out with Lapis."

Connie thought about it for a moment. Though briefly a rival for Steven's attention, Peridot was still her friend. Sort of. They didn't actually talk all that much outside of Crystal Gem stuff. Regardless, Connie decided that something needed to be done about this. Lapis was permanently back on Earth. All they needed to do was get her to make up with Peridot. She hatched up a plan.

"Hey, Steven," she said, pulling out her phone. "Come look at this." She opened YouTube and searched the video that was instrumental to her plan.

"Coming January 31st," a hype-y announcer said, dramatic music playing over him. Fire blazed in front of a black background. "It's the action-packed movie event that'll preempt every movie event for the entire year. The Washington Post is calling it 'phenomenal'. The New York Times says it's the 'greatest film ever created'. The New Toronto Star gives it three thumbs up. The new generation of comedy is here, and they're teaming up with the classics."

Various names shot across the screen. "Terrance. Phillip. Jonah Hill. And Dave Franco star in…

"TERRANCE & PHILLIP: ASSES OF FIRE 3. Rated R."

Steven raised an eyebrow. "I think we have more important things to deal with right now."

"Well hold on, Steven," Connie said, placing a hand on his shoulder to preempt any other objections. "We've really been looking forward to this movie. This movie opens tonight. It's ALSO rated R, and we can't get into R-rated movies by ourselves. Now, we COULD buy Dogcopter tickets and just walk into the theatre showing Terrance & Phillip… buuuuut, Peridot and Lapis are both old enough to watch."

Steven smiled. "Ohhh, I think I see where this is going. I can ask Lapis to take me to the movie, then YOU can ask Peridot to take YOU to the movie, and when we get there, BAM! They're together again!"

"The only question is, WHERE is Lapis?" Connie asked herself, scratching her chin. As if on cue, CLASSi turned on a nearby radio, which was tuned to a local news station.

"...Secretary of Alien Affairs Bill Dewey has claimed that the Garrison Administration's position on illegal immigration has not changed following much questioning by various far-right political groups which propped up the President during his campaign in 2016."

Former Mayor Dewey's voice could be heard now. "The recent arrival of Lapis Lazuli to the White House changes nothing. The First Roommate is in America legally and taking the necessary steps to naturalization."

Steven blinked. "Lapis is in the _White House?"_

"Man, she works fast," Connie muttered in amazement.

* * *

Bills. Bills. Bills. All the President had on his desk were bills. The bills sat on Capitol Hill and now they sat on his desk, awaiting his signature to become laws, and, to be frank, he couldn't be assed. He glanced over at the First Roommate, who was typing away on her phone. He then glanced in the other direction, at the Canadian Prime Minister, who was watching Lapis intently. "So, uh, Lapis," Garrison cleared his throat. "What's on your agenda today?"

"I'm starting a Twitter campaign against cyber-bullying."

"How come?"

"Because the President's a cyber bully."

Garrison blinked. "Lapis, I'm the President."

"Yeah."

"Hmm…" Trudeau hummed, sipping his tea. "How aboot tomorrow, Ms. Lazuli? What are your plans tomorrow?" Lapis shrugged. "Indecision is a very American quality, friend…"

Garrison perked up. In a panic, he tried to redirect the conversation. "Uh, hey, I have an idea! Let's talk about our favorite weird foreign concepts! Lapis, you go first, that shithole planet you're from probably has LOTS of them."

An aide entered. "Mr. President, you have a few phone calls you need to take."

"Oh, jeez, from who?"

"The Prime Minister of Britain is on line 1 to discuss a post-Brexit mutually beneficial trade alliance, the Chancellor of Germany is on line 2 with information about an attempt by the Russians to provoke a race war in Europe, and Steven Universe is on line 3."

The President hummed. "Steven Universe? What's he want?" He dialed out the extension. "This is the President."

On the other end, Steven smiled. "Oh, hi there, Mr. President! May I speak to Lapis, please?"

The President sighed, and handed the phone to Lapis. "It's for you."

Lapis grabbed the phone and held it to her ear. "This is Lapis Lazuli."

"Hi Lapis!" Steven said cheerfully. "It's Steven!"

Lapis smiled. "Oh, hi, Steven! Sorry we haven't been able to do anything since I got back." She glanced at Mr. Garrison. "I've been busy."

"Oh, that's okay. So, uh, listen, are you busy TONIGHT?"

"No, I'm not busy."

"Great! There's this new movie coming out that Connie and I really want to see, but it's rated R and her mom won't let her see it. Sooo, I was wondering if YOU wanted to go?"

"That sounds great!" Lapis said. "I'll be back in Beach City in a bit. See you soon!" Not knowing how to hang up a landline, Lapis just dropped the receiver and let it hit the floor, which sent a painful feedback noise into Steven's ear.

"Jeez!" he yelled, nearly dropping his own phone. Figuring Lapis meant to hang up, he did the same and looked over at Connie. "Operation: Gem Trap is go!"

Connie nodded, and knocked on the bathroom door. "Peridot, can you come out here? I need to ask you something."

Peridot sighed from within. "I'll be right out." Several high pitched 'awwww's came from the bathroom.

"'Member five minutes ago?"

"Oh, I 'member five minutes ago, five minutes ago was fantastic."

Peridot opened the door. Her hair was messy, her face looked tired, and Member Berries swarmed the room behind her. "What is it?"

Connie just stared at the hundreds of talking berries behind Peridot. "Uh… you're old enough to get into an R-rated movie, right?"

Peridot's eyes darted back. "Um. As far as you or anyone else on this planet is aware, yes, I am."

"Great! I want to see a movie but I'm not 17 and my mom won't take me to see it. Can you take me?"

Peridot hummed and scratched her chin. "Hmmm. Yes. It WOULD be the responsible adult thing to help you get into an adult film, wouldn't it?" She snapped her fingers. "Yes, I WILL take you to this movie, because I am older than 17, as far as you or anyone else on this planet is aware! I CERTAINLY wasn't created expressly to monitor the cluster, and I DEFINITELY haven't been lying to you all for the last three years about being thousands of years old!"

Steven frowned, but decided to just ignore what Peridot just said for now. "Great, see, Connie, you get to see the Terrance and Phillip movie after all!"

CLASSi perked up, stood up from the couch, and walked over to the group. "Are y'all seeing Terrance and Phillip? They were THE SHIT when I was a kid! My high ass is coming too."

Steven didn't think that was a good idea. This plan was to get Peridot and Lapis back together, but CLASSi was the catalyst that triggered their argument. Regardless, if he randomly forbade CLASSi from coming, he knew that Peridot would get suspicious. So, he simply didn't say anything. He laughed nervously as Peridot, CLASSi, and Connie walked out the front door.

"Have fun at the movie you guys…" he said. He really hoped his plan wasn't screwed. Pearl arrived with a vacuum cleaner. "What's that for?"

Pearl opened the bathroom door again, allowing several Member Berries to pour out. "Well, they aren't going to clean THEMSELVES up." She turned the vacuum on and began sucking up the Berries.

* * *

Lapis started to walk out of the Oval Office. The Canadian Prime Minister stopped her. "Excuse me? Hello? Where do you think you're going, buddy?"

"I'm going out with my friend," Lapis said, confused. "What, I can't do that?"

"You're the First Roommate!" the PM reasoned. "You don't get to HAVE a personal life."

Lapis rolled her eyes. "Okay, whatever. The President has other roommates in Florida and Empire City. HE gets to do that, but I can't?"

The PM narrowed his eyes. "And this doesn't bother you."

"Bother me? I agreed to it. I _encouraged_ it," Lapis corrected. "The less time I have to spend with HIM, the better."

"Those are very American qualities you have there, Ms. Lazuli."

"Well I didn't USED to hate my roommate!" Lapis complained. "But he's the President, and it's not the life I wanted, so what do you want from me? I'm gonna go to that movie!"

Trudeau relented. "Fine. But I'm coming with you. You're still being tested for American qualities, and right now it's not looking so good."

"Fine."

Garrison marched between them. "Now hold on, a second, I'm coming too."

"Mr. Garrison, don't have to-" Lapis began, before she was pulled in closer by Garrison, who looked very stressed out.

"I am not leaving you alone with this beady-eyed freak of nature," the President whispered. "A lot is at stake here, and I think he's going to try and trick you into admitting things that aren't true. You need to keep your guard up, okay?"

Lapis shrugged. "Whatever. Let's go."

* * *

The Beach City Drafthouse could best be described as a movie theatre that nobody really liked going to, but that they HAD to go to, as it was the only cinema in Beach City. Ocean Town had, like, six movie theaters, including an Alamo. But Beach City only had one, which was the one Peridot, Connie, and CLASSi arrived at. Connie approached the booth. "Three tickets for Asses of Fire 3, please."

The clerk glanced down at her. "This movie's rated R. Do you have a parent or legal guardian with you?"

Connie pulled Peridot to the front. "This is my mom."

The clerk blinked. "This is your mom."

"Yes."

"This- this green woman is your mom."

Connie scoffed. "It's 2018!"

Peridot glared at the clerk. "Yeah, what are you, a racist or something? Also, I'm totally old enough to be her mom, it-it's not like I lie about my age on a regular basis or anything."

"Sorry, sorry, I was just making sure." They exchanged cash and tickets. "Theater 7."

"Thank you," Connie said. "Come on, let's go find seats." She and Peridot started to walk into the theater. CLASSi lagged slightly behind, as she was still high.

"Shit, this movie's gonna fuckin' suck, but I don't give a fuck, I'm fuckin' high as a kite."

Shortly after the group entered the theater, Steven arrived. "Two tickets to see Asses of Fire 3, please."

The clerk looked unamused. "Are your parents around, kid?"

"Oh, they- they'll be here soon."

"Mhmm. I can't sell you the tickets until I see them."

Steven sighed, and stared up at the sky. "Come on, Lapis, where are you?" he muttered. His question was answered almost immediately when a small military helicopter flew overhead. The seal of the President was emblazoned on the side, and the phrase 'United States of America' was painted on the tail. Citizens of Beach City watched in awe as the helicopter landed in front of the movie theater.

Several armed soldiers stepped out. They were followed by Lapis, as well as President Garrison, and the Canadian Prime Minister, whose very appearance made Steven nervous. Why were the Canadians cooperating with the President? What was going on?

"Hi, Steven!" Lapis said, bending down and hugging the boy. "I hope you don't mind, I brought my new roommate with me."

Now Steven was REALLY concerned. This was supposed to be a double date; he and Connie were to be joined by Peridot and Lapis, but each had brought dates of their own. This wouldn't do at all. Regardless, he figured he could find SOME way to remove CLASSi and the President from the situation, so he turned around and approached the ticket clerk once more.

"These are my parents."

The clerk stared suspiciously at Lapis and the President. "These are your parents."

"Yes."

"This blue woman and this orange man, who happens to be the 45th and current President of the United States of America, they conceived you, a white boy."

Steven didn't waver. "Yes. They are my parents."

"And this man who is very obviously the Prime Minister of Canada?"

"He's my uncle."

"And the military officials behind you?"

"My cousins."

The clerk didn't look like he was buying it. "Mhmm. I see. Well, here are your tickets, then. Enjoy the movie."

"Thanks," Steven said, grabbing the tickets. He, Lapis, the President, and the Canadian Prime Minister all entered the theater. After a quick search, Steven found Connie, Peridot, and CLASSi sitting in the back row. He joined them, sitting next to Connie, who was on the end of the trio.

"Oh, Steven!" Peridot said, smiling. "You're here, too? But… how did you get in?"

Lapis sat down next to Steven. "So, Steven, what's this movie…" her eyes drifted over to Peridot, and she frowned. "...about…" Peridot also frowned upon seeing Lapis.

"Terrance and Phillip are the most famous comedians to come out of Canada!" the Prime Minister explained. "This movie's aboot friendship, and it's aboot forgiveness, and it's aboot the ability to overcome misunderstandings. Quite the cinematic masterpiece if I do say so myself, guy."

Lapis's eyelids lowered, and she gave Peridot a warm smile. Peridot returned the expression, causing Steven to sigh in relief.

"I saw the first movie when I was a kid," CLASSi interrupted. "Shit was fuckin' funny!"

Lapis looked at CLASSi, and frowned. She didn't look so happy anymore. "Oh. I see you brought company," she said, sighing and looking away from Peridot.

Peridot crossed her arms. "Yeah. Well. I see you've moved on as well. You're the President's roommate now, or something?"

"Yes, I am, actually!" Lapis said very indignantly. "He's VERY successful!"

Steven sighed. "Let's not kid ourselves, Lapis," he muttered under his breath.

Garrison glared at Steven. "I'm trying my best, you fat little asshole."

"Shut up, the movie's starting!" CLASSi said, hushing everyone who argued. The lights dimmed, and various production logos were displayed on the large screen. After those were over, a dramatic Canadian desert landscape came into view. Canada has deserts. Fuck you.

A lone Canadian car drove down the road. Eventually, it stopped, and a man stepped out. He could only be seen from his waist down as he walked towards a tree. Underneath that tree sat another man, his tilted hat obscuring his face. The first man approached the newcomer.

"Hey, Phillip," the man said. The camera panned up, revealing himself to be the one and only Terrance.

Phillip looked up slightly. "What do you want?"

"I have one very important question to ask you."

"What's that, Terrance?"

Terrance turned around, and leaned his ass in dramatically. Once his ass was within shitting distance to Phillip's face, he let out a long, cartoony fart. Both Canadians immediately began to laugh—as did Steven, Connie, and CLASSi. Peridot and Lapis didn't find it very funny, and the President was just nervous. The Canadian Prime Minister glanced over at Lapis.

"What's wrong, buddy?" he asked, glaring. "You don't think this is funny?"

"It's a riot," Lapis lied.

"Terrance, how could I possibly forgive you for what you did to m-" Phillip was cut off as Terrance farted in his face again, and once again both men laughed hysterically. "Okay, but seriously, you did a very bad thing you very bad man!"

Peridot glared at the screen. "Yeah, Terrance, you're a jerk!"

Lapis glared at Peridot. "Maybe PHILLIP was the jerk. Maybe- maybe Phillip did something to Terrance first!"

"You left me, Terrance! You abandoned me!"

"Gee, that sounds familiar," Peridot said, still side-eyeing Lapis.

"You're a semen-slurping fuck waffle, Phillip!" Terrance yelled.

"Yeah!" Lapis said. "You tell that semen-slurping fuck waffle how you really feel, Terrance!"

"You're a cock-munching dick-smashing piss drinker!" Phillip yelled.

"Cock-munching dick-smashing piss drinker… I'll have to remember that one," Peridot muttered.

Steven looked uncomfortable. "O-Okay guys, let's settle down…"

"Donkey raping shit eater!" yelled Terrance.

"Splooge-drenched Logan Paul apologist!"

"Gay leprechaun!"

Peridot crossed her arms and leaned over to Connie. "You know, I'm really starting to sympathize with the gay leprechaun," she whispered.

"Oh, of course YOU would!" Lapis yelled.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just saying, it makes sense that you would identify with the one who's OBVIOUSLY in the wrong here."

"Phillip didn't instigate the argument, Terrance did!"

"Yeah, he did, but Terrance tried to apologize for his mistakes!" Lapis reasoned. "And Phillip hasn't apologized ONCE yet!"

"An apology isn't good enough, Lapis!" Peridot said. "You have to MEAN IT!"

"Oh, jeez," Garrison muttered as he pulled out his phone. He decided to distract himself by tweeting.

"I DID mean it, Peridot!" Lapis yelled back. "You just- I mean, Phillip is too dense to see that!"

"Stop it!" Steven yelled. Everyone in the theater grew quiet as he stood up. "Stop it. You know, I was trying to help you two reconcile, because I HATED seeing you upset," he gestured to Peridot, "and I KNOW that if SHE was upset, YOU were a mess," he gestured now to Lapis, "and because I THOUGHT you two cared about each other! I guess I was wrong." He glanced at Connie quickly. "You know, I know how people who love each other talk to each other. That wasn't it. That was… something else. If you don't want to be around each other, fine. Don't be. I won't be trying this again." Steven turned and walked out of the theater.

"Steven!" Connie yelled after him, standing up. "Steven, wait up!" She followed him out.

Lapis, Peridot, Garrison, and Trudeau were left alone, staring at the door in shock. "Jeez, what a fuckin' drama queen," Garrison said, still tweeting away. On the screen, another fart could be heard, and Terrance and Phillip laughed hysterically. Peridot and Lapis briefly glanced at each other before also standing up and leaving.

* * *

Steven marched out of the theater, glaring at his own feet with his hands in his pockets.

"Hey, kid, where are your parents?" the ticket clerk asked.

"They're getting a divorce," Steven muttered. Connie marched out of the building a second later.

"Where are YOUR parents?"

"They're getting a divorce," Connie said.

"Jeez, this must be one fucked up movie," the clerk said.

"Steven, wait up!" Connie yelled. "Come on, what happened in there was NOT your fault. Peridot and Lapis have a lot of issues they need to work through."

"You know what, Connie? At this point, I don't care if it's my fault anymore." Steven turned around. He looked really, really stressed out. "Will this last forever? No, it probably won't. They'll make up and this'll all blow over, and then we'll just move on to the next problem. But that's just it! There are more problems! If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm so SICK of all of the drama. It's always 'Gem War' this, or 'War Crime' that, and if it's not one of those things, somebody's fighting with somebody else!" Steven turned back around and sat down on the curb. "Some days, I just wish… I don't know. I just wish I didn't have to deal with all of this. I wish I could make it someone ELSE'S problem for a day and just… be a kid. Is that selfish?"

"It's a little selfish," Peridot said as she approached on Steven's left, and sat down next to him. "Of course, we're ALL a little selfish, sometimes," she continued, looking up at Lapis, who approached Steven's other side.

"But being selfish sometimes doesn't make you a BAD person," Lapis finished Peridot's thought. "It just means you want something you don't have. Everyone knows what that's like."

Steven sighed. "I made a big mistake. I didn't like seeing you two apart, so I tried to take matters into my own hands."

"That was indeed a mistake," Peridot said matter-of-factly. "But… I mean, you KNOW we still love YOU, Steven. Just because Lapis and I are dealing with a minor crisis right now doesn't mean that's going to change. Ever."

"Yeah. I know." Peridot and Lapis each wrapped an arm around Steven. "Do you guys hate each other?"

Peridot looked up at Lapis. "Regardless of how she feels about ME," she sighed, "no. I don't hate her. I COULDN'T. I'm just really upset at her. Or with her. Or maybe ABOUT her."

Lapis shrugged. "I COULD hate Peridot." This made Peridot frown, and she looked down, dejected. "But I don't. I wouldn't have tried to come back if I did." Peridot looked back up in surprise. "Don't get me wrong, she's acting like a huge jerk right now. But, then again, so am I."

Peridot smiled warmly at Lapis. She was right. They were both being idiots. The Canadian Prime Minister and Mr. Garrison finally joined them as well.

"You two really do care aboot each other," Trudeau commented. "Americans don't care aboot each other, buddy. They only care aboot themselves." He looked over at the President. "Alright. I concede. Lapis Lazuli is no American. You're off the hook."

Garrison sighed. "Oh, thank god."

Peridot and Lapis continued to smile at each other, their expressions becoming warmer. When they first started living together, Peridot started hearing music. Whenever Lapis was around, so was the music. It was an incredibly calming sound.

 _With a little love  
_ _And some tenderness  
_ _We'll walk upon the water  
_ _We'll rise above this mess._

Steven blinked. "Uh…"

 _With a little peace  
_ _And some harmony  
_ _We'll take the world together  
_ _We'll take 'em by the hand._

Connie looked around. "Does anyone else hear that?"

Peridot shrugged. "Hear what?"

' _Cause I've got a hand for you._

"No, I hear it, too," Steven said. "Somebody's playing Hootie and the Blowfish. Like, really, really far away."

' _Cause I wanna run with you._

"Oh, I hear it clear as day," Peridot sighed.

"Yeah, me too," Lapis affirmed.

Garrison glanced around. "Yeah, I hear it too, where the hell is that coming from?"

Steven stood up to search for the source of the music. Peridot sighed and looked down at her feet. "Lapis, I'm… I'm sorry. I didn't mean it when I said all of those horrible things about you."

Lapis looked away. "I'm the one who left in the first place. You deserved to be mad."

"I mean… I still am," Peridot admitted. "But… you deserve to be angry, too. I never looked at things from your perspective."

"Well, I can't blame you for that, you're too short to look at things from my perspective."

After a brief moment of what should have been silence, with the only noise being Hootie and the Blowfish, Peridot suddenly hugged Lapis tightly. Though confused and surprised at first, Lapis returned the hug. They remained like that for quite some time.

Steven smiled and put his hands together. "Awww."

Trudeau approached Steven. "Hey, kid. Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Oh, uh, sure thing, Mr. Prime Minister. What's up?"

The Prime Minister stared Steven down. "That star on your shirt… are you a Crystal Gem?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I am."

"I see." The Prime Minister handed Steven a card. "When things go down south, call that number, buddy."

Steven stared at the card in confusion. "Huh?"

"Your caretakers aren't who they say they are," Trudeau explained. "Something very, very bad is aboot to happen, and you shouldn't be swept up in what's aboot to go down. So please. Call that number."

Steven looked back up. "What do you mean? Something 'bad' is about to happen?"

Trudeau turned and started to walk away. "The prophecy hasn't been wrong so far. I fear the worst, both for my people and for yours. One day, you'll be forced to save yourself from what's to come. Goodbye, friend."

Garrison hummed. "Huh. Well that was ominous."

Steven decided to forget about it, and looked back over at Peridot and Lapis, who were still embracing.

"I missed you," Peridot muttered.

Lapis looked over at CLASSi and Mr. Garrison. "Uh, yeah, I missed you too, but…"

"But what?"

"Well… I mean, I wanted you to come back to the barn with me. But I live in the White House, now. And I have to keep the President in line. He can't take care of himself. And what about CLASSi? Who'll be her roommate?"

"Oh," Peridot said, smiling. "I think I have a solution that'll play in everyone's favor."

* * *

Many days later, everything was returning back to normal. The President returned to the White House, ready to get some work done. He had bills to pass and foreign dignitaries to please.

So, naturally, he sat down at his desk in the Oval Office and pulled out his phone. "Nancy Pelosi's gaping vagina still isn't big enough to fit all of the lies she's feeding the American-"

CLASSi barged into the room. "Herbert With-An-I-Lazuli-Bannon-Jenner-Slave-Hat-Twig-Hat-Garrison, is your dumb orange ass tweeting again?!"

The President quickly hid his phone. "No!"

"Bullshit, nigga, show me your phone!" CLASSi ran over to the desk and snatched the President's phone from out of his hand. "The fuck you tweeting about Nancy Pelosi's vagina for? You got a State of the motherfuckin' Union to deliver, dumbass!"

"I'm sorry, CLASSi…"

"God damn motherfuckin' right you're sorry! Get out there and deliver that address before I beat your sorry ass!"

Garrison sighed and stood up, sadly marching out of the room. "I wish I was single…" he muttered.

"What was that?!"

"Uh, nothing, CLASSi!" He closed the door on his way out, leaving CLASSi alone.

"Fuckin' idiot," CLASSi said once he was gone.

* * *

 **A/N: I later learned after writing most of this that, in South Park, CLASSi is voiced by Kimberly Brooks, the same actress who voiced Jasper in Steven Universe. Pretty weird coincidence!**


	9. Chapter 9: Special Assignment

**A/N: mtsocano: Yes, Lars and the Off-Colors will be appearing at** _ **some**_ **point.**

* * *

Yellow Diamond sat her fat ass in the throne perfectly suited for her fat ass. A great, big set of stank lips had settled on her face, as things were not going well. Things were not going well at all. She needed something to help her feel better. "Pearl," she said, looking over at her servant. "What is my approval at?"

"100%, My Diamond."

"Excellent!" the dictator said, grinning. "That's two points higher than it was yesterday."

"Coincidentally, there were two less respondents to the poll today…" the Pearl muttered.

"What was that?"

"N-nothing, My Diamond."

"Mhmm. What's the status on that rogue Ruby platoon?"

"We have absolutely no idea where they are or what they're up to now," answered Pearl. "We do know they're PROBABLY still somewhere on Earth."

"Excellent. I've sent one of Blue's subjects to find them."

Pearl blinked. "Please tell me you didn't send… _her._ "

Yellow Diamond raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with her?"

"I hate her. She's pretentious and rude, and I think she has a soft spot for that partner of hers."

"Rude is good. Rude is how we're going to get what we want." Yellow Diamond tapped the screen in front of her, and pulled up an image of a spaceship approaching Earth. "Let's just hope SHE doesn't fail me too. I'm tired of people failing me, do you understand, Pearl?"

"Y-Yes, My Diamond."

* * *

The special ed classroom at South Park Elementary was abuzz with idle chit-chatter between various members of the school's handicapable students. Most of the students had circled around Jimmy and Timmy, the coolest students in special education—perhaps even in the whole school. Nathan and Mimsy, Jimmy and Timmy's sworn enemies, sat on the other end of the room, alone. Nathan glared at them.

"Look at them, Mimsy," Nathan muttered. "They think they're so great, just because everyone likes them. What makes them so likable?"

Mimsy blinked. "Uhh, gee, boss, do ya think it's got something to do with how kind, caring, and respectful of others they are? Maybe we should think about being like them!"

Nathan slapped Mimsy. "Shut up, Mimsyyy!"

The special ed teacher, Counselor Steve, approached the front of the room, grinning. "Alright everyone, settle down. Now I know you all have been hearing some RUMORS about some very special new friends we're going to be making today! I'm proud to announce that we've got some new students with us, today! Come on up and introduce yourselves!" Counselor Steve stepped aside and allowed the four new students to introduce themselves. Most of the students cheered, but Nathan raised an eyebrow at their odd appearance. All four had reddish skin and big, blocky hairstyles. They all had stones on different parts of their body.

"Um, hi!" the first student introduced. Her stone was in her navel. "I'm Ruby! Golly, it's so nice to meet all of you! I hope we can all be great friends!"

Nathan blinked. "What the fuck."

The second student spoke up. Her stone was on her leg. "Hi!" she said. "I'm Ruby also!"

The third student, whose stone was on her arm, approached the front. "Howdy! My name is Ruby!"

The final student cleared her throat. Her stone was on her chest. "You can call me Ruby."

Counselor Steve smiled. "Alright, everyone, let's give the Rubies a round of applause!" Everyone clapped for the new students. "Go ahead and take your seats, children!" The Rubies did so, sitting in a row of empty seats next to Jimmy and Timmy.

"Oh, boy, boss, new students!" Mimsy exclaimed. "Isn't that exciting?"

"Yes. Very." Nathan turned to his partner in crime. "Do you know what this means?"

"Jimmy and Timmy have new friends?"

Nathan smacked Mimsy. "No! WE have new friends. These new students don't know anyone yet. This is our chance to finally be cool. If we make friends with the new kids, everyone will think we're awesome, and Jimmy and Timmy will be left in the dust."

"Uhhh, gee, boss, I don't know. If we're just using them to enhance our status amongst the other students, are they really our friends?"

After a beat of silence, Nathan slapped his only friend again. "Shut UP, Mimsyyyy!"

Jimmy wasted no time in chatting up the new students. "So, R-Ruby, you're new in South Park? Where'd you come from?"

The chest-stone Ruby, whom Jimmy mentally labeled 'Doc', glanced around. "Can you keep a secret?" she asked.

"Sure th-thi-thing."

"Timmy!"

Doc leaned in closer and whispered. "We're on the run. Something really bad happened on our home planet, and we had to escape. Don't tell anyone. We think somebody might be after us."

"Tim-Timmy!" Timmy whispered excitedly.

"Your s-secret's safe with us, n-new kid!" Jimmy assured, grinning wide. He continued to smile as Nathan and Mimsy approached.

"Oh, hey, new kids," Nathan greeted, faking a naive smile. "What's up?"

"The atmosphere!" The navel-stone Ruby said excitedly. Jimmy labeled her 'Navy'.

"That's right. The atmosphere," Nathan said. "Hey. I have an idea. Why don't you four sit with Mimsy and I at lunch today? We'll help you get to know the school."

Jimmy nodded. "Hey, th-that's a great idea! Nathan and M-Mi-Miiih Miiih… N-Nathan and Mimsy can help you get ac-c- acqu- familiar with the school!"

Doc stared at Nathan suspiciously and narrowed her eyes. "Hmmm… sure… why not…?"

"Great," Nathan said. "I'll see you there." He and Mimsy walked away. "Alright Mimsy, we're in. Now, nothing can stop us from being cooler than Jimmy and Timmy."

"Boy, this sure is a good plan, boss!" Mimsy said excitedly. "Jimmy and Timmy won't know what hit 'em!"

"That's right, Mimsy. Soon, I will be… the man."

* * *

The streets of South Park were empty, for the moment. Everyone was at work or at school, save for Officer Barbrady, who was busy writing a citation on an illegally parked vehicle.

"There!" Barbrady yelled, smacking the ticket down on the windshield. "That'll teach you to park in a fire lane. Dohohoho," he laughed, satisfied that the streets of South Park would once again be safe from crime.

Since his reinstatement on the Park County Police Department, Officer Barbrady spent most of his time on traffic duty. Most cops would've found this kind of work demeaning and boring. Barbrady, however, was just thankful that he had his old job back. Besides, being stuck on traffic duty meant he wasn't around to screw up during the big Swatting epidemic South Park had last month, and that was always a big plus.

Humming to himself, Barbrady turned around and stared across the street. He frowned. That side of the street was definitely darker than the side he was on. Something wasn't right. He looked up, and gasped.

A large unidentified flying object was hovering over the street. It slowly lowered itself onto the road, three rods erecting themselves to allow itself to land. The door began to open, and two alien figures—one tiny and blue, the other large and yellow—stepped out.

"Oh my god!" Barbrady yelled. "They're parking next to a fire hydrant!" Indeed, the space ship had landed just two feet away from a fire hydrant, which was against the law. "Hey! You two!"

The smaller alien, not having heard the police officer, ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. "Alright, Topaz, we're here," she said. "Never thought I'd have to come back to this eyesore of a planet, but here we are. Do you remember the assignment?"

Topaz nodded. "Lotta rogue Gems lately, huh, Aquamarine?"

Aquamarine shrugged. "Oh, besides the Crystal Gems, one Lapis Lazuli, two Peridots, the off-colors, and now almost an entire squadron of Rubies?" She laughed. "Yes, it seems Homeworld is having quite the emigration problem."

"Hey, you can't park there!" Officer Barbrady yelled once he got to the two no-good criminals.

"Oh, gross, it's one of the natives," Aquamarine said, recoiling in disgust.

"You are within a fifteen foot radius of a fire hydrant! That's illegal!" Barbrady informed the aliens.

"Fantastic," Aquamarine said. "I don't care."

"Do- don't care?!" Barbrady yelled, his words coming out in befuddled stammers. "Miss, if you do not move your vehicle right this instant, I will be forced to give you a ticket!"

Aquamarine just gave the officer a bored stare. She stared in silence for several seconds before turning to Topaz. "Let's go," she said as they walked away.

Officer Barbrady glared at Aquamarine and Topaz. "I'll show you to disrespect the law…" he muttered as he began writing up a citation.

"Uh, gee, maybe if we want to stay inconspicuous, we shouldn't break the local law?" Topaz said, looking back at Barbrady as he placed the ticket on the spacecraft.

"Shut up, Topaz," Aquamarine said. "We have an important mission, and we cannot afford to be led astray by the antics of humans."

"I'm just saying, maybe we shouldn't–"

"Topaz!" Aquamarine interrupted, turning around and glaring at her bodyguard. "This. Is. Beneath us. That human can issue whatever sort of citation he wishes, we won't be HERE for very long in any case."

"I guess…"

"Besides," Aquamarine continued, turning back around, "if he becomes a problem, we'll simply dispatch him."

Topaz frowned. "Uh… Okay."

* * *

The lunch bell rang at South Park Elementary. The Rubies joined Nathan and Mimsy, who sat alone at their own lunch table.

"So, Ruby," Nathan said, though he wasn't making eye contact with any of them in particular. "What brings you to South Park?"

Navy looked around the table in awe. "Wow! There's nobody else here! You saved all of these seats for us?!"

"We sure did!" Mimsy said excitedly. "We always sit alone, because nobody likes us."

Nathan slapped Mimsy. "Shut up, Mimsyyyy!"

"Sorry, boss. You're always talking about how nobody's special, so I wanted them to know they're not special too—" another slap.

"Shut UP Mimsyyy!"

"—and, you know, we're being friends with them so everyone will sit with us—"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, MIMSYYY!"

"I'll shut up now, boss."

Nathan glared at Mimsy for a second before turning back to the Rubies. "So anyway, what are your plans for recess later?"

Suddenly, Mr. Mackey began calling out over the intercom. "Attention students, m'kay. Will Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, and Ruby come to the principal's office? Ruby, Ruby, m'kay, Ruby, and Ruby, please report to PC Principal's office."

"The principal's office?!" Army exclaimed. "I heard that's where they shatter the bad kids!"

"Hey, why don't I show you to the principal's office?" Nathan said. "It's just down the hall from the cafeteria."

Nathan and Mimsy stood up, and began to lead. Doc shrugged, and stood up as well. "Well, come on, gang," she said. "We better go see what the leader of the human adolescents wants from us."

Jimmy and Timmy approached the group. "Oh, hey, f-fellas!" Jimmy greeted. "We'll go to PC Principal's office with you!"

Navy started tapping her fingers together. "Gosh, that makes me feel a lot safer."

Nathan glared at Jimmy. "Uh, actually, Jimmy, we were just about to take them there."

"Well, you know what they say!" Jimmy said, grinning. "The more the m-merrier! Come on, fellas! Let's go!" Jimmy and Timmy led the Rubies out of the cafeteria, leaving Nathan and Mimsy alone.

"I fucking hate that kid," Nathan muttered. He started to follow as well, but was stopped by Kyle Broflovski, who was holding a clipboard. "Yes, can I help you?" he asked, playing up his disability ever so slightly in his tone and the delivery of his speech.

"Oh, hey, uh…" Kyle was blanking on the kid's name. "I wanna say Jeremy?"

"I'm Nathan."

"Nathan, right. Listen, I'm doing this bullshit poll for a project in class. Can you answer some questions for me?"

Nathan frowned. "Uh. I-I'm actually kind of busy right now, so-"

"Oh, it won't take long, I swear." Kyle looked down at his clipboard. "Ahem. 'How would you rate options provided for school lunches'? You can answer very good, good, okay, not so good, and bad."

"Uh. Okay, I guess?"

"Alright. Next question. 'How helpful do you find the resources in the school library?' You can answer very good, good, okay, not so good, and bad."

"I really need to get going," Nathan excused.

"Yeah! We got some new kids to trick into being our friends!" Mimsy said. Nathan slapped him.

"Shut up, Mimsyyy!"

Kyle sighed. "Okay, I'm just gonna follow you to wherever you're going, can you please just answer my questions?"

"Fine, but keep walking."

Kyle, Nathan, and Mimsy quickly caught up with the Rubies, who were still being escorted by Jimmy and Timmy. "'How adequately does the school counselor help you with your problems?'" Kyle continued. "You can answer very good, good, okay, not so good, and bad."

"Not so good," Nathan answered.

"...okay, can you elaborate on that?"

"Aw, he's just still mad about that time he was fucked by a shark at Lake Tardicaca and Mr. Mackey made him go back to camp again the next year," Mimsy said. That earned him a slap.

"Shut up, Mimsy…"

The group turned the corner. PC Principal's Office was just two doors down. The Rubies froze, however.

"AGH!" Army yelled, staring at the two figures next to the office. "It was a trap! I knew it!"

Aquamarine and Topaz were waiting patiently in front of the office. They hadn't noticed, yet, but they would as soon as the Rubies tried to step into the principal's office.

"W-what's wrong, fellas?" Jimmy asked. The Rubies pulled him and Timmy back around the corner, where Nathan, Mimsy, and Kyle were still standing.

"That's the one who's after us!" Doc said. "She's insane!"

Nathan frowned. "Wait, what? After you?"

Kyle was still looking down at his clipboard. "Okay. 'How would you rate the school's infrastructure?' Huh, this question isn't very specific…" He looked up at Nathan. "Are you gonna answer my questions or not?"

"I think we're dealing with more important things."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Ugh. Fine." He started walking around the corner. Jimmy tried to stop him.

"K-Kyle, no!"

"Timmy!"

Kyle walked past PC Principal's office. Aquamarine and Topaz stared at him as he knocked on the door. "PC Principal?" Kyle said. The principal opened the door. "This poll is fucking stupid, I'm not doing this." Kyle dropped the clipboard on the ground. PC Principal just shrugged.

"Where are the Ruby quadruplets?" PC Principal asked himself. He stared at Aquamarine and Topaz. "Your daughters should be here, the attendance records say they were in class today."

"Well, find them!" Aquamarine yelled. "We can't afford to dilly-dally. Tell you what. If you find them for us, we'll reward you. Handsomely."

Nathan raised an eyebrow at this. "Reward?" he muttered, staring back at the Rubies.

Leggy pulled at her hair. "Oh, man!" she exclaimed. "She's offering rewards! What if someone gives us up?!"

Nathan pondered be thought for a moment. Money was WAY more useful than friends. "Yes… what if…"

"D-don't worry," Jimmy said. "We won't let anything h-happen to you!"

"Timmy!"

Nathan glared at Jimmy and Timmy. Clearly, they were going to be an issue. They needed to be… dealt with.

Mimsy whispered. "Psst! Boss! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Nathan slapped Mimsy. "Shut up, Mimsy, we'll talk about this later," he whispered as he dragged his friend away.

PC Principal started to walk back into his office. "I'm going to try calling them up one more time, just wait here a second." He shut the door behind him. Kyle started to walk away. Aquamarine turned back around and stared at him.

"So, you thought you could trick us, huh?" she asked. Confused, Kyle turned around.

"Are you talking to me?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm talking to you, Ruby," Aquamarine said, the hostility in her voice apparent. "You might as well give them up, because I'm going to find them anyway. Where are the others?"

"I'm sorry, I think you're mistaking me for someone else," Kyle said. "I really don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, really?" Aquamarine said, eyeing the boy suspiciously. "You really expect me to believe this lousy disguise you've put on? Your shapeshifting abilities are truly dreadful."

"What-?" Kyle's eyes widened as Topaz picked him up. "Agh! What the hell?! Let go of me!" he yelled.

"You know what to do," Aquamarine said. Nodding, Topaz unfused, becoming two beings. She re-fused a moment later, trapping Kyle between her two halves.

"MMMPH!" Kyle screamed, his words muffled by Topaz's body. "What the fuck?!"

Jimmy gasped. "K-Kyle!"

Aquamarine gestured down the hall. "Come on, Topaz, we haven't got all day."

"Where the fuck are you taking me?!" Kyle yelled, though, again, his words were muffled. He sort of sounded like Kenny when he was like this. "Put me down! Jesus Christ, dude!"

Jimmy, Timmy, and the Rubies watched as the mysterious figures left with Kyle in tow. "W-we have to help him!" Jimmy said.

"Timmy!"

"Forget him, we need to help OURSELVES!" Army said in a hushed tone. "We can NOT go back to Homeworld! Everything's all topsy-turvy there now!"

"Sorry, f-f-fellas, but Kyle's my friend, and we need to h-he- helll… to hel- hel… we need to save him!"

"Timmy."

Doc rolled her eyes. "Well, if you REALLY want to help your friend, you're going to want to do it fast. You don't want to know what Homeworld does when they get their hands on a human."

* * *

Aquamarine and Topaz approached their spaceship, which now had three parking tickets taped to it. They entered, and Topaz unfused, dropping Kyle in the process.

"Agh! Shit!" Kyle yelled as he hit the ground. He breathed heavily, as for the entire duration of that trip, he felt like he was suffocating. Once he'd finally caught his breath, he slowly stood up. Aquamarine hovered above him, smirking. "Who the hell are you?" he asked, unsure what was going on.

"Don't play dumb, _Ruby_ ," Aquamarine spat. "Your kind is dumb, but you're not THAT dumb."

Kyle glared at Aquamarine. "'Your kind'? Dude. Fuck. You."

"I'm going to find them anyway, so you might as well tell me," Aquamarine said, crossing her arms. "Where are the others?"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" Kyle responded. "Seriously, let me go, you've got the wrong kid!"

"If you don't cooperate, they're just going to make things harder for you when you get back to Homeworld."

"What?!"

Topaz frowned. "Gee, boss. Maybe they're telling the truth." Aquamarine floated up and flicked the back of Topaz's head. "Ow!" she said, shooting Aquamarine an annoyed glare.

"Shut up, Topaaaaz!"

"Seriously. Don't do that again."

Kyle just glared at his kidnappers. "Look, I've already told you, I don't KNOW anything. You made a huge mistake!"

"Are you threatening me?" Aquamarine asked, glaring back down at Kyle.

"What? No! I-I just-"

"Fine!" Aquamarine said, straightening her posture. "Don't tell us anything. We'll find them ourselves. Let's go, Topaz."

"If you hit me again I'm just going home," Topaz said, glaring at Aquamarine as they left Kyle alone in the space ship. A glowing, yellow force field appeared at the end of the cell, trapping Kyle in.

"Son of a bitch!" he yelled.

Aquamarine sighed as the ship's door closed. "This… is going to be a lot harder than I thought."

Officer Barbrady showed up again. "So, it looks like you've noticed. I've given you THREE parking tickets, and I'll give you another one if you don't move the vehicle!"

Aquamarine just glared at Barbrady. "You sure showed us," she said.

"That's right I did! Maybe next time you'll think twice before parking illegally!" Barbrady left, and Aquamarine sighed again.

"I… hate… this planet."

"So, I heard you're offering a reward," Aquamarine heard a voice from behind her. She turned around, and saw two human kids standing there. "My name is Nathan, and this is Mimsy. We can help you find what you're looking for, provided you can pay."

Aquamarine smirked. "Well, well. It looks like SOME humans are worth something after all."

"So what kind of reward are you offering?" Nathan asked.

"Oh, that part's a surprise," Aquamarine said. "But I assure you, it's something like this planet has never seen before."

"Gee, boss, I don't know if I trust her," Mimsy said, frowning. "She's being all vague-like, that's pretty suspicious if you ask me." Nathan slapped him.

"Shut up, Mimsyyy! You're blowing it!"

"Sorry, boss."

* * *

The bells rang at South Park Elementary, signaling the end of class. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman stood in front of Stan's locker as Stan finished putting his shit in his bag.

"Alright, guys, let's go," Stan said, closing the door. "Hey, where's Kyle? I haven't seen him since lunch."

"Probably still doing that stupid polling project," Cartman said. "Who cares, he'll probably just meet up with us later."

"F-Fellas!" Jimmy yelled, moving as fast as he could to catch up to the boys. Timmy and the Rubies followed. "W-we've got a really big p-problem!"

"What? What happened?" Stan asked.

"K-Kyle's been k-k-kidnapped!"

"Timmy!"

Stan's eyes widened. "What?!"

Navy stepped forward, and held her hand out. "Hi there! I'm Ruby, and these are my friends, Ruby, Ruby, and Ruby. Your friend Kyle got kidnapped because of us. Whoops!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kenny asked.

"Yeah, who has Kyle?" Stan followed up.

Doc put her hands behind her back and paced the floor. "We're refugees from another planet. You see, something really bad is about to happen on Homeworld." She looked around the hallway, at the students walking by. "There was this prophecy, you see. A prophecy that an apocalypse event would come to pass on a planet inhabited by Gems. This prophecy was compiled into a memo, and the Diamonds met to decide what to do about it. Blue and White told Yellow not to release the memo. And Yellow was like, 'why not?' And they were like, 'because it'll freak everyone out and we don't want to do that until we know what's going on.' And Yellow Diamond's closest advisers were like, 'don't release the memo'. And her top intelligence Gems were like, 'don't release the memo'. And all of her generals were like, 'don't release the memo.'

"So what did she do next? She released the memo. And like, that was bad enough, but then the OPPOSITION to the memo prepared a counter-memo, and now people are freaking out about that. So there's a COUNTER-COUNTER-memo going around now, and the opposition to THAT memo is preparing a counter-counter-counter-memo. Soon, there may even be a counter-counter-counter-counter-memo. It's an endless counter-cycle of counter-memos. And the reality of it is that the memos don't actually say anything, the first memo was just four pages of worthless text that make no cases, but nobody cares, do they? They just care that the word 'memo' is being thrown around.

"We didn't want to be caught up in the panic, so we fled. But we were followed. And now the people following us have Kyle, because they thought he was one of us."

"So where are they now?" Stan asked.

"They've likely stowed him away in their ship, to interrogate him. The kidnappers, Aquamarine and Topaz, they're really crafty and really dangerous. They're probably planning something absolutely heinous to try and get us."

Around the corner, Nathan, Mimsy, Aquamarine, and Topaz snuck up on our heroes. Nathan held a comically oversized butterfly net, which he handed to Aquamarine. "Alright, Aquamarine," he said, smiling smugly. "Those Rubies won't know what hit them."

"You want me to capture them with a net?" Aquamarine asked. "That's absurd."

"What's absurd is trying the same thing more than once and expecting a different result," Nathan retorted. "I'm retarded, and I know that. Have you ever TRIED this before?"

"I must say, I haven't."

"So you don't know it doesn't work. Watch and learn."

Stan grabbed Kenny and Cartman. "Come on, guys. We gotta go save Kyle."

The group walked past the intersecting hallway, not noticing the others. "Alright… go!" Nathan directed. Aquamarine swung the net. They got somebody.

It was not any of the Rubies. It was Vice Principal Strong Woman, who was just behind the boys. She glanced around, and stared at Nathan and Aquamarine, who were still holding the net. "What are you two doing?" she asked.

"Uh…" Nathan tried to think of a cover. "I like to swing the net!" he yelled, once again playing up his disability. "Yaaaaay, net…"

Strong Woman just sighed and closed her eyes. "Yes, Nathan, it's a very nice net. Excuse me, I must be going," she excused herself, pulling the net off of her and leaving.

Aquamarine was dumbfounded. "They just let you get away with that?"

"Come on. I have another plan," Nathan said, leading his companions in the other direction.

The boys and the Rubies walked past Wendy's locker. "We don't have any time to waste!" Doc said. "If we want to save your friend, we have to get back to the ship, quickly."

Wendy raised an eyebrow. "What's going on?"

"Kyle's been kidnapped," Stan answered. "They were trying to get these guys," he gestured to the Rubies, "and they got him instead."

"Kidnapped? Do you know where they took him?"

"No, we need to look for a spaceship."

Wendy closed her locker. "I'll help. But if we're looking for a spaceship, shouldn't THEY be hiding?" she gestured to the Rubies. "Otherwise, we're leading them straight to the bad guy."

"Good th-thinking, Wendy!" Jimmy praised. "Me and Timmy will lead the Rubies to a safe place. Y-you, Stan, Kenny, and Eric can go find Kyle." The group split up to do their thing. Cartman tapped on Stan's shoulder.

"So, Kyle's missing," he said.

"Yeah."

"And that's a problem, because…?"

Stan glared at Cartman. "He's our friend, fatass."

"Right, right, but we could always just get a new friend."

"What, you want to replace him with Butters?"

Cartman thought about that for a moment. Replace somebody with Butters? That's a no-go. "Yeah, you're right, we better save Kyle."

Kenny glared at Cartman. "You didn't have any problem replacing ME with Butters, fatass."

"What?" Stan tilted his head. "When did we replace YOU with Butters?"

"When I had muscular dystrophy."

Stan rolled his eyes. "Kenny, if you had muscular dystrophy, you'd be dead."

Kenny sighed, and decided to just drop the subject entirely.

Once the boys stepped out of the school, Wendy stopped them. "Wait. Do we even know WHERE the spaceship is?"

"Gee, Wendy, you're right," Cartman mocked. "How ARE we going to find a big UFO that sticks out like a sore thumb?"

"You know what I meant, fatass," Wendy said, glaring. "South Park is a big place. The ship could be ANYWHERE."

Suddenly, Tweek and Craig walked by, holding hands. "Hey, did you guys see the big alien spaceship?" Craig asked. "It was pretty cool."

The kids looked at each other, then back at Craig. "Where did you see it?" Stan asked.

"On Main Street, just across from Tom's Rhinoplasty."

"Thanks, Craig," Stan said, leading the way as he, Wendy, Cartman, and Kenny ran off.

* * *

Nathan poked his head out of the bush he was hiding in. "Alright, there they are," he pointed out. Aquamarine, Topaz, and Mimsy poked their heads out as well to see Jimmy, Timmy, and the Rubies making their way down the sidewalk.

"Th-this way!" Jimmy directed. "You'll be s-s-safe at my house."

"Timmy!"

"Not for long…" Nathan said, smiling smugly. "Okay. This plan is brilliant. They won't know what hit them."

"Do tell," Aquamarine said, rolling her eyes.

"Take a closer look," Nathan replied. He pointed to a pile of leaves on the sidewalk. "I had Mimsy and Topaz go on ahead, and lay a trap for them."

"We dug that hole real good, boss!" Mimsy said enthusiastically. Topaz nodded affirmatively.

"The second they step on those leaves," Nathan continued, "they're going to fall right into the hole underneath."

The villainous quartet watched in anticipation as their soon-to-be victims approached the hole. They stopped briefly in front of it.

"What's wrong?" Navy asked.

Jimmy sneezed. "Nothing. Let's g-go!" Jimmy stepped on the leaves… and nothing happened. He walked across, unharmed. The others behind him did the same thing. At one point, all four Rubies were on the hole, but the leaves still didn't fall underneath them. They all walked across, completely unscathed, and continued on their way.

Nathan just stared at the hole in shock. Aquamarine gave him a blank stare. "So, uh, was something supposed to happen?"

Nathan jumped out of the bush and walked over to the hole. "What happened? Mimsy, I told you to dig a hole!"

Mimsy nodded excitedly. "You sure did, boss! We dug a REAL good hole."

"You ALSO asked us to make sure the leaves hid the hole completely," Topaz continued. "That was a little bit tougher, but we found out that if we filled the hole with leaves and packed it REALLY tightly, you ALMOST couldn't tell there was a hole there!"

Nathan just stared at Mimsy and Topaz. "So you made a bridge."

Topaz nodded. "Yup! Were we… not supposed to do that?"

Nathan's face fell. Suddenly, he got really mad and started stomping on the leaves. "God! Damn! It! Mim! Sy! Can't! Fucking! Do! Any! Thing! Right!" Suddenly, the leaves caved in, and Nathan fell into the hole. "AHH, MIMSYYYYY!" He hit the ground, a painful 'thud' coming from the bottom of the hole.

Aquamarine approached the hole. "Are you dead?" Nathan groaned from the bottom of the hole. "Well then quit whining and get up, we have work to do!"

Later, Nathan, Mimsy, Aquamarine, and Topaz stood by the church. Nathan sported several comical injuries, bruises, bandages, and all. "Okay, Aquamarine, this time, we've got them for sure," Nathan said. "On the wall, I've painted a tunnel. Using precise perspective and shading techniques, I've made the tunnel look realer the life. Jimmy is going to run right into it… and poof. The Rubies are yours."

"Gee, boss, I think I've seen this in a cartoon before somewhere," Mimsy said shortly before getting hit.

"Shut up, Mimsyyy! Here they come! Quick, you two, hide." Aquamarine and Topaz did as told, and hid. Jimmy, Timmy, and the Rubies walked by. "Oh, hey, Jim," Nathan said casually. "What are you up to?"

"Oh, hi, Nathan," Jimmy greeted. "I'm just leading the Rubies to a safe place."

"Wow. That's pretty noble. Hey, I know a shortcut."

Jimmy smiled. "G-gee, Nathan, that's fant-ta-tastic!"

"You better hurry. The people chasing you could be anywhere."

"Got it!" Jimmy said. "You heard him, gang! Start r-r-running!" The Rubies started running towards the wall. To Nathan's shock… the plan actually worked. The Rubies all hit the wall, piling onto each other. They were too dazed to do anything else, and collapsed.

"Holy shit," Nathan muttered.

"Gee, boss, one of our plans actually worked for once!" Mimsy commented. He recoiled as Nathan jumped up to hit him… but there was no contact.

"Shut… no, Mimsy, you're right!" Nathan said, grinning. "We did it! We finally did something right!"

"Got you!" Aquamarine yelled as she and Topaz jumped out from behind the wall. Topaz grabbed the unconscious Rubies, unfused, then refused, trapping all of them between her two halves.

"What's g-going on?!" Jimmy asked, turning to watch in horror as Aquamarine and Topaz picked up the Rubies. Before he could get an answer, however, Nathan got behind Jimmy and smacked his head with a rock, knocking him out. Mimsy did the same to Timmy, who had no time at all to react.

"We did it, Mimsy!" Nathan cheered. "We finally won!"

"Yes, and these humans will make a fine addition to the zoo," Aquamarine said, smirking. "Topaz." Topaz approached and picked up Jimmy and Timmy.

"Great, now uh… where's my reward?" Nathan asked. He frowned when Aquamarine started laughing.

"Hahahaha! Oh, darling, that's adorable," she said. "Come on, Topaz, make haste." She and Topaz started walking away.

"Wait, wait, hang on, you said there'd be a reward."

Aquamarine sighed, but didn't turn around. She simply turned her head slightly to show she was addressing Nathan. "I lied, simple as that," she said. She added, "Really, the fact that you believed me is proof enough that you humans are all unfathomably stupid. Look at it like this. I'm NOT going to take you two to the zoo. That's reward enough, isn't it? Now if you don't mind, I really must be going. Ta-ta."

Nathan and Mimsy stared and frowned as Aquamarine and Topaz made their getaway. Once they were gone, Nathan felt… kind of bad. "Mimsy… there's this… feeling, deep down in my chest. A feeling that something isn't right. Like… there's some kind of weight, or something, right over my lungs."

"Gee, boss, I think that's called 'guilt'," Mimsy said. "Maybe we SHOULDN'T have helped those two."

"...holy shit. This SUCKS."

* * *

Stan, Kenny, Cartman, and Wendy made it to Main Street. "There it is!" Stan yelled, pointing to the spaceship. "Kyle's on there, you guys, let's go!" They started running towards it… but once they got to it, it started moving.

"What the fuck?!" Kenny yelled.

"Look!" Wendy said, pointing to the front of the ship.

Officer Barbrady was now sitting in a tow truck, chuckling to himself as he hauled off the ship. "Dohohoho, this'll show them! Nobody's going to break the law on my watch!" The ship's landing gear left deep gouges in the street as it moved along.

"Shit!" Stan yelled, as he and his friends followed the tow truck. "Officer Barbrady, wait up!"

Stan's mother, Sharon, stepped out of Tom's Rhinoplasty after a long day of work. She sighed, grabbing the keys out of her jacket and locking the door. Since moving up to management, her days had gotten longer, leaving her with less time for the kids. She heard her son yell, and looked up. "Stanley?" she said, watching as her son and his friends followed Officer Barbrady's tow truck. Where were they going?

Aquamarine and Topaz showed up, and watched as their ship was carried away. "No!" Aquamarine yelled, pushing Sharon out of the way as she flew past. Nathan and Mimsy ran by a second later.

"Boss, we're not gonna catch up to it!"

"Shut up, Mimsyyy, we'll be fine!"

* * *

The Park County Impound Lot was full of cars that had been taken by Officer Barbrady for a number of offenses. He continued to chuckle as he pulled into the lot. He got out of the truck. "Now you stay right here," Barbrady said, walking off to go issue more tickets to more law-breakers.

Stan ran towards the lot, but was stopped by Wendy. "Stan! Look!" Stan looked where she was pointing, and saw two aliens approach the ship. He raised his eyebrows.

"Shit! They got Jimmy and Timmy!"

Aquamarine groaned. "This is NOT a very good day," she said, pressing buttons on the keypad. The door opened, and she and Topaz stepped inside.

"Okay, let's go!" Stan directed. He and his friends moved towards the ship. Nathan and Mimsy arrived shortly afterwards.

"There it is, boss!"

"Let's go, Mimsy, we don't have much time." They, too, stepped into the ship.

Stan, Wendy, Kenny, and Cartman walked around the ship's interior. "Jesus, this thing is HUGE!" Stan said. "Kyle! Kyle, are you in here?!"

"Over here!" Stan heard a nasally voice from a nearby cell. The group moved towards it, and saw Kyle sitting behind a yellow force field with Jimmy, Timmy, and the Rubies. "Thank god you guys came! I overheard the aliens when they brought these guys onboard! They're taking us to… some kind of zoo!"

"Don't worry, Kyle, we're gonna find a way to get you out of there," Stan said.

"Don't bother," Navy said glumly. "We're doomed."

"Not yet, you aren't!" Nathan said, approaching the force field.

"N-Nathan?" Jimmy said, confused.

"Timmy?"

Nathan nodded. "That bitch tricked me. Nobody tricks me."

Wendy crossed her arms and examined the forcefield. "How are we going to bring this thing down?" she pondered to herself. "Is it electrified?" She tried to tap it, and to her amazement, her fingers passed right through the forcefield. "Huh?"

Confused, Doc tilted her head. She, too, raised her hand to tap the forcefield, and was immediately shocked when she came in contact with it. "Ow! Son of a…"

Wendy's eyes widened. "Oh. Oh, that's interesting."

"What?" Stan asked.

"It looks like the forcefield was meant to entrap their own kind only," she said, gesturing to Doc. "It doesn't affect humans at all!"

Kyle blinked. "It doesn't?" He passed his arm through it, much to his shock. "Whoa, cool!" He passed completely through the forcefield, totally unscathed. "Jimmy, Timmy, come on!"

"I'm n-not leaving them," Jimmy responded, gesturing to the Rubies.

"Timmy."

"You don't have to," Nathan replied. "Mimsy. You know what to do."

Mimsy grinned, and nodded. "Sure thing, boss!" Mimsy stepped under the forcefield and extended his arms, leaving a gap underneath him big enough for the Rubies to step under.

"Alright, come on, let's go!" Nathan said, pulling the Rubies through the gap. Jimmy and Timmy followed them. "Is that everyone? Alright, let's get out of here before the ship takes off." Jimmy, Timmy, Nathan, Mimsy, and the Rubies ran down the halls, towards the exit.

Stan followed. "Come on, guys, let's go!" The boys and Wendy followed the others to the exit. They were already waiting outside.

"C-come on, hurry!" Jimmy shouted. Just then, several cars pulled up to the impound lot.

"Oh my god, Randy, look!" Sharon said, pointing to the ship.

"Jesus!" Randy yelled. "Stan!" He and Sharon stepped out of the car. They were joined by Sheila and Gerald Broflovski and Liane Cartman.

"What's going on?!" Sheila asked. She looked over at the ship, and saw Kyle inside. "Kyle! Oh my god!"

The boys approached the door… which promptly shut. "Shit!" Stan yelled.

"What's going on?!" Wendy asked, losing her balance as the ship began to shake. "Agh!"

"You guys, this is SUPER weak!" Cartman yelled, panicking. "Is this some kind of sick fucking prank?! Kyle?!"

"It isn't a prank, Cartman!" Kyle yelled. "I think- I think the ship's taking off!"

"Come on, let's get to the command deck, or the cockpit, or SOMETHING!" Stan said. "Maybe we can turn this thing around!"

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Wendy ran down the ship's halls once again, finding a flight of stairs. They climbed up the stairs and skidded to a stop, watching as Aquamarine tapped controls on a screen in front of her.

"I swear, this ordeal better have been worth it," she muttered. "I suppose we should drop the humans off at the ZOO, first. That's closer."

Stan raised an eyebrow. "What zoo?" he muttered.

"Guys?" Wendy said, calling the boys' attention to a nearby window. "I… I don't think we're getting back anytime soon."

The boys all approached the window, staring at the planet as they got further away. It slowly got smaller and smaller in a sea of black, soon becoming a speck amongst the stars.

"Oh my god," Kyle said, putting his hand over his stomach. He felt like he was going to be sick. "Oh my god..."

The kids continued to stare out the window as the ship entered hyperspace.


	10. Chapter 10: Zoophilia

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Wendy continued to stare out into space as the ship rushed past the stars. Cartman glared at Kyle.

"Well, Kyle, you got us into this mess," he said, throwing off his jacket. "Now it's time to throw down!"

Kyle shook his head. "Cartman, we have bigger things to worry about. We're stuck on a spaceship with those two lunatics, going who KNOWS where, and we have no idea how to get back home."

"Yeah, and now we're gonna throw down!" Cartman closed in on Kyle, fists in the air. Kyle sighed, and smacked Cartman, who immediately started crying. That was all it took for Kyle to regret hitting him.

"Shit! Sshhh, shhh, Cartman, calm down!"

Stan glared at Cartman. "Cartman, if you don't shut the fuck up—!"

Aquamarine heard the noise, and turned her head. She stared at the kids, who were all staring back at her, horrified (except for Cartman, who was still crying). "That's more humans than I thought we had." Suddenly, her eyes widened. "Wait… how did you escape your cell?!"

"Run, guys!" Stan yelled. They didn't get very far, as Topaz blocked the way back into the ship's depths.

"Going somewhere?" she asked.

Aquamarine approached the kids and glared at them. "Where are the Rubies?" she asked them. "Did they escape, too?" She glared at Kyle, who rolled his eyes and glared back.

"Oh, for God's sake—I'm not one of the Rubies! I'm just some kid!"

"We freed them!" Wendy said, glaring defiantly at the alien. "They CLEARLY didn't want to go back to your planet! So we set them free. They could be absolve utely ANYWHERE on Earth by now, and you'll never find them!"

Aquamarine looked beyond pissed off. "I should kill you five right now."

"Do it, you won't," Kenny taunted.

"You IDIOTS!" Aquamarine yelled. "If you only realized the severity of what you've done…" She glanced up at Topaz. "Topaz. Take these worthless apes to the engine room. I need to make a call."

Topaz nodded. "Alright, you heard her, get moving." Topaz shepherded the kids down the stairs. Aquamarine sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.

"This is bad…" she muttered. "This is REALLY bad…" Aquamarine made her way back to the computer, and immediately made a call. "Come on… come on… pick up…"

"This is the Yellow Diamond control room," Yellow Pearl greeted. "Who authorized you to-"

"I really don't have time for this," Aquamarine said, crossing her arms. "Just patch me through to the Authority."

Yellow Pearl rolled her eyes, and pressed a button on her end. Yellow Diamond appeared onscreen.

"Greetings, Aquamarine," the dictator said. "I trust your mission went well."

Aquamarine sighed. "Yeah, listen, about that—"

"Because you do realize, if you fail me, I'm going to have that worthless Topaz in your command shattered and replaced."

Aquamarine stopped. "I… Yes, I fully understand the consequences of failure."

"Excellent. Now then, the mission status?"

"Uh…" Aquamarine stared back at the stairs, making sure Topaz wasn't listening. "Yes, um… I've… captured the Rubies. I'm bringing them back to Homeworld now. I just… need to make a stop at the Zoo, first. I've captured several humans, you see."

"Hmm, I'm sure Blue will be pleased to hear that," Yellow Diamond muttered. "Well, you needn't worry about the detour. As it happens, I was on my way to the Zoo myself."

"Excellent!" Aquamarine said, suddenly becoming even more worried. "Great, that's… that's fantastic." This wasn't good. Several months ago, Yellow Diamond discovered Topaz's attempted mutiny via security footage that Aquamarine had neglected to wipe after the fact, and was going to have her executed. Aquamarine agreed to capture the Rubies under the condition that Topaz's life would be spared. She wasn't sure WHY, she just… felt sort of bad for her, she'd guessed.

Topaz, of course, was blissfully unaware that her life was in any danger. Had she known, she likely would have defected. This mission was meant to keep all parties happy, but those South Park kids fucked it all up.

If Topaz was going down, Aquamarine was going to make sure those kids paid for it. She couldn't wait to get to the Zoo, so she could tell the Gems who ran it to make sure their lives were so miserable—

"Are you still there?" Yellow Diamond asked. "You're spacing out. Don't tell me we've lost connection."

Aquamarine snapped back to attention. "Uh, n-no, we haven't. I must be going now. I'll be at the zoo shortly."

"I look forward to seeing you," Yellow Diamond responded. "Oh, and Aquamarine?"

"Yes?"

"I know you're a part of Blue's court, but while you're on this mission, I would like to be treated as one of my own subjects would treat me, is that clear?"

"Yes, My Diamond."

"Excellent. I'll see you soon." The call ended, and Aquamarine groaned.

"Why couldn't this be easy?" she muttered to herself.

* * *

The ship approached the moon-sized starship which housed Blue Diamond's Zoo. The station itself orbited Tilapias IX, a ringed planet which was once inhabited by a race of aliens that were similar in appearance to Tilapiine fish, except that they all had hairy human legs and big bear arms.

They're all extinct now.

Anyway, the ship pulled into the landing bay, which pretty much looked exactly like the Death Star's docking bay, except it was smaller and had less Red Shirts running around. The Zoo's manager, Holly Blue Agate, stood at the end of the bay, watching as the ship landed. The ship's doors opened. Aquamarine and Topaz stepped out, with the children in tow. Holly Blue smirked.

"That's quite the haul you've got there," she said.

Aquamarine frowned. "Ahem. Topaz. Take these humans to processing."

Topaz nodded. "Let's go," she said.

"Dude, this is super weak," Cartman muttered.

"Now, Aquamarine, I'm sure you've heard already, the Authority is meeting here tonight," Holly Blue informed Aquamarine as they walked in the other direction. "I'm certain they'll want to speak to you personally about the mission you were just on!" She looked over at the ship, and frowned. "Erm… where are the other prisoners?"

"Can you keep a secret?" Aquamarine asked.

"If I must."

"I failed the mission."

Holly Blue stopped. A slightly frightened look appeared on her face; a moment later, however, she laughed. "Oh, that is a good one," she chuckled. "You almost had me there. But please. Don't make those jokes around the Diamonds. It'll make us both look bad."

"It wasn't a joke," Aquamarine grumbled. "I was unable to retrieve the rogue Ruby squadron."

Holly Blue stamped her foot and glared. "That really isn't funny anymore, please-"

"Those humans helped them escape."

"Oh, dear, you're serious, aren't you?" Holly Blue looked around to make sure nobody was listening. "Do you know how bad this is? If the Diamonds catch wind of this, that Topaz is—"

"Yes, I know what's going to happen to Topaz," Aquamarine said in a hushed tone. "I just… I need you to stall."

"Stall?"

"Yes, stall! I need time to figure out what I'm going to do. If either Blue or Yellow Diamond asks where I am, just tell them…" Aquamarine tried to come up with a good excuse, but she couldn't. "I don't know. Just tell them SOMETHING so you can buy me time."

"You do realize such treachery could wind us BOTH up in hot water," Holly said, unamused.

"It won't if they don't find OUT about it!" Aquamarine glanced down at her fingernails, not making eye contact with Holly Blue. "Or perhaps I should tell Our Diamond about the little infiltration on this very base by a group of well-known rebels?"

Holly Blue stopped in her tracks. "Who told you about that?"

"Word gets around, Holly," Aquamarine answered with a menacing tone to her words. "I wonder who the Authority will be angrier at? Me, for losing a few prisoners, or you, for the absolutely unacceptable security breach?"

Holly Blue looked around, again, as if someone were listening. She then leaned in to whisper something to Aquamarine. "I'll buy you as much time as I can, but they'll want to see you eventually."

"I knew I could count on you," Aquamarine said, nodding.

* * *

The kids were dragged through the halls by Topaz, who herself was being escorted by two Amethyst guards.

"Man, this is some bullshit," Cartman grumbled.

"Shut up, Cartman," Stan replied. "You've been complaining since we got here."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot I was supposed to maintain a positive attitude while being enslaved by a bunch of alien Nazis." Cartman noticed one of the Amethysts was glaring at him. "Oh, sorry, sorry. 'Alt-Right'. I forgot that's what we call Nazis now."

"Since when do you hate Nazis?" Kyle said sarcastically.

Cartman shrugged. "Well, I thought they were pretty cool. Then I got enslaved by some. Now it's not so cool. I finally understand the plight of your people, Kyle."

"Shut up, Cartman…" Kenny muttered, his words muffled.

"Alright, this is it," one of the Amethysts said. "The Human Disposal Chute."

"Disposal?!" Kenny asked, eyes widening. "Oh, fuck, dude."

"Alright, kid, you first," the Amethyst said as she picked up Kenny and tossed him into the chute.

Kenny yelled as the door closed behind him. Realizing he was on a conveyor belt, he tried to get the door back open, to no avail. The belt began to move, dragging Kenny with it. He looked out the glass windows and became even more worried upon realizing he was currently being suspended in space.

"Thank you for choosing AssimiLink, a Galactic Federation Operating System!" Kenny heard a smarmy male voice suddenly blast through the area. The sudden noise startled him and hurt his ears. "Congratulations! You're the first human to use our BRAND NEW human assimilation system! Welcome to Blue Diamond's famous zoo, which attracts visitors from across the galaxy! Please state your name and home planet! Para español, presione seis."

"Fuck you, dude!" Kenny yelled back.

"Welcome, ＦＵＣＫ ＹＯＵ, from the planet, ＤＵＤＥ. We hope you enjoy your new home! Please wait while we calibrate you."

"What?!" Kenny looked up. Two mechanical arms extended from the ceiling of the very cramped hallway Kenny was in. They grabbed him and began to tear at his clothes. "Oh, shit- FUCK! God damn it!" Kenny resisted, not that it did much. His orange parka lay in front of him, torn into pieces. A vacuum came and cleaned up the remains. Kenny now sat, totally naked, in the middle of a transparent tube going through outer space. Some kind of liquid was sprayed on him after that, completely drenching him. After that, a blow dryer blew at Kenny with incredible force, completely drying him off.

Next, an arm holding two new articles of clothing extended in front of Kenny. He struggled as the arms began to fit him with a blue vest and a white loincloth, with a simple belt to keep it all together. Once that was done, he was brought to a section of the chute that was covered in reflective walls, so he could look at his new appearance.

"This fucking sucks…" he muttered, his true voice now unobscured by the thick parka he once wore. Finally, a small pair of diamond-shaped earrings was lowered in front of him. "Oh, hell no." Another mechanical arm lowered itself to maneuver his messy blonde hair. His ears were pierced painfully, and the earrings were placed in the holes. "Ow! Fuck!"

The earrings began to glow. "Calibration complete," the same voice from before said. "ＦＵＣＫ ＹＯＵ, from the planet, ＤＵＤＥ, your serial number is SP-69. We hope you enjoy your new home. Goodbye!"

"What?" The floor opened up beneath Kenny, although before he could scream, he fell into a pool of water. Kenny held his breath as he was jettisoned through a watery tunnel. He was then shot out of a fountain, and landed face-first on what appeared to be a beach, where the others were already waiting for him, wearing the same doofy outfit he'd been forced to wear. They were all missing their hats as well.

"Oh my god!" Stan yelled. "They killed-"

Kenny started coughing, and spat out the water in his throat. He stood up, and looked around. Where… was he?

"Oh, never mind," Stan corrected himself.

Wendy raised an eyebrow. "Kyle, did you get a haircut?"

Kyle shrugged. "Yeah, a little while back."

"It looks nice!"

Stan looked a little surprised by that exchange. He was immediately distracted, however, by Cartman.

"Man, this outfit sucks," he bitched. "Everyone can see my avocados."

"Nobody's staring at your balls, Cartman," Kyle responded, glaring. "We're too busy trying to figure out where the hell we are."

"Well, good, I don't want people staring at my balls!" Cartman argued back. "Kenny. You hear that, Kenny, don't look at my balls."

"I'm not looking at your-"

"I know poor people will do anything to get their rocks off, Kenny, so don't even think about it!"

"Cartman, shut up, nobody's staring at your testicles!" Stan yelled, attempting to put an end to the argument. "Now can we all just stop talking about Cartman's balls and start figuring out what's going on here?"

Wendy tapped his shoulder. "Look," she said, pointing to another group of humans several feet away, sitting on a different end of the beach. "We're not alone."

"Maybe they know a way out of here!" Kyle said. "Come on, let's go." The kids followed Kyle to the other group, which consisted of two men and one woman, who appeared to just be sitting on the beach, staring at the water. One of the men was tall and tan-skinned, with wavy black hair and well-toned muscles. The other was a little scrawnier and paler, with blonde hair. The woman was also blonde-haired, and her delicate face was—it didn't matter, because these details were all lost on Kenny, who was just staring at the woman's tits, which were barely contained by the vest she was wearing.

"Nice!" he said when they got to the group. Stan smacked Kenny over the back of the head. "Ow!"

"Dude, not cool."

The humans turned and smiled at the kids. "Ah, it is newcomers!" the dark-haired man said merrily. "Greetings, friends! Welcome to paradise!"

"Okay, that's great," Stan said, not really listening. "Look, we're not really supposed to be here, so-"

The blonde man stood up and approached the children. "You know, you five are first to come here in very long time! Not since Ga-Reg and Ste-Von have new faces been seen!"

"Okay, cool. Listen—"

"Come! Follow! We will show you paradise!" The men and the woman all stood up, and began walking into the trees. Stan shrugged, and he and the other kids started to follow. "It is good that Ocean God brought you here! Your timing is the most of impeccable-ness!"

Cartman groaned at their broken English, but Wendy was curious. "Why? What's so special about the timing?" she asked.

"The Ritual begins today!" the woman said excitedly. "It is most exciting that you should be arrived today!" Because of the way she had her arms positioned, her breasts were pressing up against each other, which Kenny thought was awesome.

"What exactly is this 'ritual'?" Kyle asked.

"Oh, that is a surprise!" the blonde man said. "It is something we created after Ga-Reg and Ste-Von left. We would not want it to be spoiled!"

Kyle smiled. "You hear that, you guys?" he whispered to the others. "Whoever Ga-Reg and Ste-Von were, they got out."

"Right, right, OR—" Cartman began, "they 'left'. Through a cannon, into the sun."

"What?"

"I'm just saying, I don't trust these guys," Cartman explained. "For all we know, they killed Ga-Reg and Ste-Von and ate them."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Please, Cartman, that's ridi-"

"Cartman's right," Wendy said.

" _What?!"_

"Oh, so now you're on Cartman's side?" Stan asked, also slightly surprised.

"This is new territory, even for us," Wendy continued. "We don't know WHERE we are, we don't know WHO these people are… those aliens have some pretty futuristic tech. We don't even know if these people are really PEOPLE, and if they are, they've been isolated from the rest of humanity for who KNOWS how long? And it just so HAPPENS that Ste-Von and Ga-Reg left as soon as they came? I don't think so. We just need to watch our step, that's all. We can't rely on these people to help us."

Stan nodded. "I guess that makes sense."

Kyle shook his head. "No, it doesn't. If these people were crazy, they would have killed EACH OTHER by now. You guys are being paranoid."

"Kyle, we're in SPACE right now," Stan argued. "Paranoid is going to keep us alive."

"At least Kenny agrees with me! Right Kenny?" Kyle glanced over at Kenny, who was still staring at the woman's boobs. "Kenny?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, Cartman and Wendy are right, we could totally die here."

"Then why do you look so excited?"

Kenny just grinned, and his gaze moved down to the Zoo Woman's ass. Kyle facepalmed.

* * *

Aquamarine sat in her ship, staring at the computer. Her stress levels were through the roof, as she'd been spending the last half hour trying to figure out ways to save Topaz's butt. The only thing she could think of… well, it would make them BOTH targets of the Authority.

...which begged the question, how far would they be willing to go to dole out punishment? Would they really seek them both out, across numerous galaxies…

"What am I thinking?!" Aquamarine suddenly said out loud. The solution she'd just been thinking of was treasonous. She was considering _running._ There was clearly something very wrong with her. Why would she run from her _fantastic_ job and risk pissing off her _very kind_ and _generous_ rulers for a worthless lackey like Topaz?

...except, Aquamarine realized, Topaz _wasn't_ worthless. Otherwise, she wouldn't be trying so hard to save her. Aquamarine might have been verbally and, in one or two instances, physically abusive in the past, but… she cared about Topaz. That was weird to think about. She _cared about somebody._ That wasn't a feeling she was used to.

...and she was so _mean_ to Topaz! My goodness, what was _wrong_ with her? People who care about others aren't so incessantly _mean_ like that! Was that something she'd been taught by her rulers, or was she to blame for her own behavior? Perhaps it was a little of both.

...regardless of how much she cared about Topaz, Aquamarine also cared about her mission and her planet, which meant that running from this was not an option. But letting Topaz get shattered was also not an option. There had to be some kind of third option that wasn't being considered. There needed to be a way to make _everyone_ happy. Perhaps if she tricked some OTHER, worthless Topaz into posing as her own—

"Hey, boss?" Topaz said, poking her head into the ship's bridge. "I delivered those kids."

"Ah, Topaz!" Aquamarine said, surprised she was back so quickly. "Uhhh, welcome back!"

"...what?"

"How, uh, how was your trip?"

"...why do you care?"

"I don't care!" Aquamarine denied. "I mean, I do. But only because I need to fill out this report."

Topaz looked more than a little confused. She shook it off, however, and shrugged. "Eh. There's not much to tell. You told me to take the kids to get processed. I did. They got processed."

"Great, great, fantastic! That, uh… that sure is what I told you to do!"

Topaz gave Aquamarine a weird look. "What is this?"

"What?"

"What are you doing right now?"

"Nothing, no, nothing at all!"

Topaz sighed. "Look, if you're planning on yelling at me for losing those Rubies, can you just get it over with? I'm tired of waiting."

"Yell at you? Why would I yell at you?"

"Because that's something you would do and have done several times before?"

Aquamarine groaned. "Topaz, what happened was NOT your fault. YOU did great. Those bratty human children are to blame for this mess, and I assure you, they are paying dearly for their transgressions right now."

"I sure hope Yellow Diamond sees it that way," Topaz muttered. "Wouldn't want you to get in trouble over this."

* * *

Yellow Pearl marched through the halls of the space station. Where was that worthless manager…? Yellow Diamond was expecting Aquamarine any minute now, and the fact that she wasn't here yet was aggravating enough, but now Holly Blue Agate was nowhere to be found.

As she walked past a couple of Amethysts, they chuckled and elbowed each other.

"Hey. 3F6R. Check it out. The dog got loose." They both snickered as Pearl stopped and sighed. "Hey, Pearl, where's your handler at?" They continued to snicker.

"Very funny, you two," Pearl said, turning around and glaring. "I don't suppose you know where Holly Blue Agate is?"

Amethyst 3F6R snorted. "Snrk. I don't know. Why don't you try sniffing her out?" The Amethysts started laughing even harder. "Come on, Fido, put that nose to good use!"

The other Amethyst, Amethyst 2L9G, was trying—and failing—to contain a very deep laugh. "Yeah! Or maybe try looking in the dark… you have night vision, right?"

"Hey, aren't you color blind?" 3F6R asked, snickering. "How do you even know you're serving the right Diamond?" That seemed to be the breaking point, as they both fell over in tears.

Pearl rolled her eyes. "If you two aren't going to be any help, I'll be going now."

"Hey, lighten up, Odie! What, did Garfield kick you off the table again?"

"For your information, I am not an 'Odie', I am almost certainly a 'Jon Arbuckle'."

"Oof. That's pretty sad."

"Second of all, I have been given VERY important orders from Yellow Diamond, so you'd best respect me the same way you'd respect Holly Blue Agate!"

Amethyst 3F6R stood up and shrugged. "We don't respect her."

"That's very sad."

"No, SHE'S very sad. She's a REAL Jon Arbuckle."

"What's this about Jon Arbuckle?" Holly Blue said as she came down the hall.

"Oh, we were just telling Old Yeller over here about how you're a huge Jon Arbuckle and your life is going nowhere."

Pearl scrunched her nose up in disgust. "Why don't you discipline these worthless Earth Quartzes?"

Amethyst 3F6R started to snicker again. "Yeah. Discipline us. We've been very naughty. Punish us, master."

"Oh my word, that's disgusting," Pearl said.

"Oh, don't pretend you wouldn't LOVE for Yellow Diamond to smack your ass with a riding crop."

Holly Blue groaned and placed a hand over her face. "Amethyst, please knock it off."

"Aw, I'm just giving her a hard time."

"Yes, I know, but now isn't really the best time. Run along, now."

"Fine." The Amethysts marched away, although 3F6R made a rather vulgar gesture with her tongue and two of her fingers before leaving.

"Your soldiers don't respect me one bit," Pearl said, glaring.

"That's okay. Nobody respects you," Holly Blue said. "Not even I do. Now then, what was it you needed?"

"Aquamarine's ship has docked in your hangar, has it not?" Pearl asked, raising an eyebrow. "Why hasn't she reported to Yellow Diamond yet?"

"My word, you're impatient."

"The Authority is impatient, Holly," Pearl quickly snapped back. "If Aquamarine values her gem, she'll know that punctuality is key."

"Of course she knows this. She's simply… getting the cargo ready."

"It's four Rubies."

"And she wants them to look nice when they're punished for their insubordination!" Holly dismissed. "Surely YOU know that looking nice is important in any situation." She looked Pearl up and down. "Oh. Hmm. I suppose you don't."

"So is she dressing up the Topaz, too?"

"...excuse me?"

"The Topaz is to be executed once the Rubies are delivered."

Holly Blue shook her head. "No, I believe you're mistaken, the Topaz is to be SPARED once the Rubies are delivered. That's what Yellow Diamond said."

Pearl blinked slowly. "She lied."

"What?!"

Pearl rolled her eyes. "Well, don't act surprised! As if Aquamarine would have cooperated otherwise. She HAD to lie, otherwise the Rubies would NEVER be captured."

"When Aquamarine finds out about this—"

"—it'll already be too late," Pearl finished. "Stay out of this. It isn't your business. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go find her." She pushed past Holly Blue Agate and marched away. The Quartz manager simply watched as she left.

"Oof," she heard from behind her. She turned around and glared at the two Amethysts. "That's pretty rough."

"This isn't funny," Holly said, crossing her arms. "This is serious."

"Yeah. If only there was something we could do to save Topaz," Amethyst 3F6R snickered. "Oh, wait! There totally is. Fuck that bitch Pearl, SHE can go back empty-handed."

"What you're suggesting is treasonous," Holly commented.

"Pfft. It's only treason if they find out that you're the one who did it," 3F6R snorted.

The other Amethyst leaned against the wall and smirked. "If, on the other hand, somebody," she pointed down the hall, "say, a Pearl, were to ACCIDENTALLY set a group of humans free from the zoo, and they just HAPPEN to steal a space ship that just HAPPENS to have Topaz on it, well, then Yellow Diamond doesn't have anybody to blame but herself."

"And how exactly do you intend to get Yellow Diamond's Pearl to do that?" Holly asked, raising an eyebrow. "You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know. I want plausible deniability when this goes terribly wrong." She started to walk away. "If you succeed, please, do let me know. If you fail, we never had this talk."

"Right on," 3F6R replied, giving Holly Blue Agate finger guns. "Glad you're on the right side, boss."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Holly yelled from down the hall.

* * *

Simulated night time was falling in the Zoo. The humans gathered around a fire and awaited further instructions.

"So… what are we waiting for?" Kyle asked the Zooman next to him.

"The Choosening is about to begin!" the Zooman responded. "If you are lucky, you will be Choosened to mate!"

Kyle blinked. "I'm ten!"

Kenny grinned. Now he was excited. "Oh, fuck yeah…" he muttered happily.

Wendy cringed a little. "Uh… I don't think I'm comfortable with this," she said. "Can we just… sit this one out?"

Another Zooman shrugged. "It is your first one. Perhaps you will not be Choosened! Ste-Von did not get Choosened his first night."

"That's because they ate him," Cartman whispered to Kyle, who glared at him.

"Shut up, Cartman, no they didn't."

Cartman shrugged. "You seem really defensive of them, Kyle. How do we know YOU aren't in on it?"

"We got here at the same time, fatass!"

"Can you guys knock it off?" Stan asked. "We need to focus on staying alive."

"Sure, if Kyle doesn't kill us, first."

"You know, Cartman, you're such a fat fuck, if they decided to kill you and eat you, you could feed the whole group for months!"

"His hunger for flesh is already overwhelming him," Cartman noted.

Everyone's earrings lit up. "It's time for the Meet 'n' Fuck Festival!" the smarmy voice said.

Stan blinked. "That… is that really what it's called?"

The buff Zooman nodded. "The voice you hear is not the original! The new voice is much nicer!"

"Thank you for the compliment, XY-42! Please enjoy this treat to show my gratitude!" Some biscuit crumbs rained down from the sky, and the Zooman excitedly picked them up and started munching. The kids just stared at him while he demeaned himself by grabbing the tiny biscuit crumbs from off the floor.

"The Festival can now begin!" the voice continued. "First up—XX-55."

The large-breasted blonde woman Kenny had been eyeing looked really excited. She stood up. "That is me! I have been Choosened!"

"Your partner will be… SP-69!"

Kenny perked up and grinned. "Aw, fuck yeah!" he yelled.

XX-55 held out her hand. "Come, Keh-Knee! We have been Choosened!"

"He's nine," Wendy felt the need to point out. "You realize you're about to go mate with a nine year old, right?"

Buff Zooman laughed. "Oh, When-Die! Age is but a number!"

"Yeah, and plus, Kenny seems super into it," Stan observed as Kenny and XX-55 walked into the woods together.

Wendy rolled her eyes. "We need to get out of here. ASAP."

"Next-up," the voice began again, "SP-33!"

Wendy raised an eyebrow. "Stan, do something. That's me."

"Oh, shit."

"Your partner will be… SP-97!"

Kyle blinked. "Hey, wait, that's me."

Wendy sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god."

Stan raised his eyebrows in surprise; then, he slowly started to glare at Kyle.

"SP-90!" The voice said. Cartman perked up and smiled. "Your partner will be… nobody!" Cartman frowned as a sad trombone noise came from his earring.

"Hey, why the hell not?" Cartman asked the voice.

"Your genes have been deemed unsafe and irresponsible to pass on to newer generations! We hope you understand—you will never mate with anyone ever. Happy Valentine's Day!"

Cartman glared at the sky for a moment. His glare, however, gradually turned into a look of sadness. He watched as the others were paired up—Stan was paired with some other woman—and he was eventually left alone by the fire.

The second he could, Stan ditched his partner and left to go find Wendy and Kyle. He found them, sitting underneath a tree.

"Oh, Stan, there you are!" Kyle said. "Guess we got pretty lucky back there, huh? How'd you end up ditching your partner?"

Stan just continued to glare at Kyle. "She tripped on a tree branch and I ran," he said.

Cartman approached the tree, looking super bummed out. "Man, this place is fuckin' bullshit."

Wendy counted heads. "Hey, where's Kenny?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Having the time of his life, probably. This shit's a dream come true for him."

Wendy sighed. "Poor Kenny… he's going to end up traumatized from this!"

Stan approached Kyle. "Hey, Kyle, can I talk to you for a second? Alone?"

R

"Yeah, sure," Kyle said, standing up. He walked with Stan to an isolated part of the woods. "You know, Wendy and I have been trying to figure out a way to get out of here. This shit's tough."

"Dude, what the fuck is your problem?" Stan asked in a rather hostile manner.

Kyle didn't understand the question. "...I'm… sorry?"

"What, it wasn't enough that you stole Cartman's girlfriend, you have to take Wendy, too?"

Kyle tilted his head. "Stan, what the hell are you talking about?"

"You KNOW what I'm talking about, asshole!" Stan accused. "You're sitting here getting paired up with her and making plans with her behind my back! What else don't I know?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Oh, for Christ's sake," he said. He started to glare at Stan. "Stan, you're being dumb. How could I POSSIBLY have had anything to do with that ceremony? That was just dumb luck."

"Oh, so you think it's 'lucky' that you got paired with Wendy?"

"Yes, stupid!" Kyle yelled. "The alternative is getting groped by a bunch of feral man-babies! If Wendy HADN'T been paired with one of us, she'd have been paired with one of THEM! Is that what you want?"

"Kyle, just stay away from her, okay?"

"She isn't even your girlfriend, dumbass!" Kyle challenged. "You broke up last year. Why do YOU care about ANY of this?"

"I just… just back off, okay? God!" Stan angrily marched away.

"You know, we have more important things to worry about!" Kyle yelled after him. "Like getting off of this fucking space station!" Stan was gone. Kyle was all alone in the woods now. "Son of a bitch!"

* * *

Yellow Pearl continued to wander the halls of the orbital station. She was getting a little annoyed, now—nobody knew where Aquamarine was. She was on her way to the main hangar, where the little midget's ship was docked. As she rounded a corner, she was blocked by those two Amethysts from earlier.

"Heyyyy, P!" 3F6R greeted. "How's it hangin'?"

"Ugh. You two. Move it."

"Hey, listen, do you think you could help us with something?" the more obnoxious of the two Amethysts continued.

"No, I'm on a very important—"

"Right, right. Listen. We're in a bit of a pickle." 3F6R wrapper her arm around Pearl's shoulders, which disgusted her. "See, we accidentally locked ourselves out of the control panel that opens the zoo maintenance doors, and we can't remember the password."

"Typical. Imbeciles."

"That's right!" 2L9G nodded her head. "We're so very stupid! We were created on Earth, you see, so we have tiny, tiny Earth brains! You, on the other hand, have a big, big Homeworld brain! Me me too dumb understand computers! You smart smart Pearl!"

Pearl smirked. "Hmm. That is true. I am your intellectual superior."

"You're practically a genius!" 3F6R complimented. "That's why we need your help! We're too dumb and helpless to use the control panel!"

Pearl looked satisfied. She straightened her posture, closed her eyes, and smiled. "That's correct! I AM a genius! Please, lead the way, I'll fix your machine for you, since you're OBVIOUSLY too incompetent to do it yourself."

The Amethysts smirked at each other and led Pearl to the Zoo's entrance.

* * *

The Zoomans gathered around a fire pit. One human was cooking a delicious-looking slab of meat. Wendy looked around at the attendants.

"Well, there's Kenny's 'mate'," she said, pointing to the blonde woman. "...but where's Kenny?" She glanced over at Stan, who seemed upset about something. "Stan?"

Stan was shooting Kyle a death glare. Kyle looked uncomfortable. Cartman was still bummed out that he wasn't Choosened. Wendy sighed, and stared at the fire.

XY-42 stood up. "Everyone! It is so great to be here, for the first ever Festival of Giving!" Everyone cheered, and he began to remove the meat from the fire. "The excitement is incredible! How did the mating ceremony go for everyone?"

Kenny's mate, Zooman XX-55, stood up. "The ceremony was spectacular! It was a great success!"

Wendy shook her head. "I can't believe Kenny went along with that…"

XY-42 stared at Wendy. "What about you, When-Die and Kai-Luh?"

Stan continued to glare at Kyle. "Yeah, _Kyle_ , how did it go? How was it _fucking_ Wendy?"

Wendy blinked. "Oh, my god."

"We didn't DO anything, Stan!" Kyle yelled, now thoroughly annoyed. "You KNOW that!"

"Fuck you, Kyle, you're a fucking liar!"

Wendy placed a hand on Stan's shoulder. "Stan, calm down."

"You were right there with us!" Kyle continued to lecture Stan. "You know fully well I'm not interested in Wendy! She has pimples on her forehead and her bottom teeth are crooked."

Wendy was glaring at Kyle now, too. "Okay, thank you, Kyle, that wasn't necessary."

XY-42 knelt down behind the kids. "Children, please! Relax! This is a positive society, not a negative one! Let us eat, the Festival of Giving is upon us now!" Another Zooman offered the kids a chunk of meat. They reluctantly grabbed it and started eating. Stan and Kyle continued to glare at each other. Wendy looked down at her food.

"This tastes… funny…" she muttered. "What's in this?"

"It was a gift!" XY-42 exclaimed. "Procured by XX-55 herself!"

"Right, but what's IN it? I don't recognize the taste."

XX-55 smiled. "The meat was a gift from Keh-Ny."

Stan stopped glaring at Kyle just long enough to stare at the woman. "Whoa, whoa, wait, where did Kenny get meat?"

The woman shrugged. "I was impressed too! He had a lot of it on him!"

Wendy stared back down at the chunk she was eating. "...on him…?"

"That was Kenny's gift to us all!" XY-42 exclaimed. "The meat from his bones will feed us for days!"

"What the fuck?!" Stan yelled, throwing down the meat he'd been eating. The others did the same—Wendy puked. "We ATE Kenny!"

"Jesus Christ, dude!" Kyle yelled. "What's wrong with you people?!"

"Oh, I KNEW it!" Cartman yelled. "I knew these assholes were cannibals, but YOU GUYS didn't believe me. Kyle."

"Oh my god!" Wendy yelled, still horrified that she'd eaten Kenny. "These people are a bunch of sick fucks!"

XY-42 frowned. "I do not understand. We have fed you. What is the problem?"

"There's fruit on the trees, why couldn't we just eat that, you psychotic assholes?!" Stan screamed at the Zoomans. "What, you needed a little human flesh in your diets?!"

"Oh. I see!" the man laughed. "You do not understand the ritual! You see, for generations and generations, we saw no new arrivals in our little paradise! We believed we were the only ones of our kind!"

Cartman hummed. "Hmm. So what you're saying is you're all fucking inbred. No wonder they're cannibals."

"Then, Ga-Reg and Ste-Von arrived. Ga-Reg broke our hearts. And then they left us. We were all devastated!"

Kyle glared at the Zoomans around him. "So, did they ACTUALLY leave? Or did you psychos kill them, too?"

The man looked a little more bitter, now, as he glared into the woods behind him. "There was a commotion, and Ga-Reg and Ste-Von left through a large set of doors in the woods. Since then, we vowed to NEVER let new friends leave us. We resolved to begin sacrificing all newcomers, and consuming their flesh so that a part of them would always be with us."

"That's so fucked up…" Wendy muttered.

"What happens when you crap him out?" Cartman interrupted.

"...what?"

"When you eat, you shit and then it's not in your body anymore. So when you crap Kenny out he's gonna be gone for good, unless you eat your own feces." The entire group just stared blankly at Cartman. "Are you gonna eat your own feces to keep Kenny with you?"

"...we will… lose Keh-Ny when we defecate?

"Yeah, bro. Human flesh doesn't go down well either, just ask Scott Tenorman."

Stan realized something. "Wait a second. Are you gonna eat US and then crap us out?"

This brought the man out of his confusion. He smiled, and nodded. "Of course we will! We wish to be with you forever!"

"Oh, shit!" Kyle yelled. "Run, guys!" He, Stan, Wendy and Cartman got up and ran into the woods.

"After them!" the human leader yelled. "We must make them a part of us, and then perhaps figure out a way to not defecate later!" The entire group of humans ran after the kids, who were desperately running for their lives. They weaved around trees, slid down hills, and hopped across a river, but the cannibals were still gaining on them. Kyle looked ahead.

"Guys! Look!" He pointed to what appeared to be a large metal door on a wall across from them. "That must be the way out!"

"But how do we get it open?!" Wendy asked, glancing frantically behind her.

* * *

The Amethysts and Pearl approached the maintenance door. "Yeah, this is the one," 3F6R said. "Can you get us into the computer?"

Pearl smiled smugly. "Don't worry your tiny, ape-like brain about it. I will figure out what's wrong. You haven't changed the password, have you?" Four colored diamonds appeared on-screen. Whenever one was touched, it let out a unique musical tone. Pearl began tapping the symbols to the tune of _Funky Town_. Once she was done, the screen unlocked. "There. It's unlocked. Now, if you don't need anything else—"

"Teach us how to use it."

"...excuse me?"

The Amethysts snickered and glanced at each other. "We forgot how to use it. We've got goldfish memory. Teach us how to use it."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Can you at LEAST tell us what this button does?" 3F6R said, pointing to one button in particular.

Pearl rolled her eyes and tapped the button. "You mean this one? The one that opens the door?"

"Yeah, the one you just pressed."

Pearl's eyes widened. She stared at the button, which her finger was still sitting on. "Oh, no."

The door suddenly opened. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Wendy ran through.

"Gee, thanks!" Kyle said as he pushed past Yellow Pearl, who looked absolutely mortified.

"Wait- get back here!" Pearl closed the door the second the boys were out to ensure others didn't escape as well.

"Oof. That's pretty rough," 2L9G sighed. "Can't believe you just let those humans go free. That's pretty embarrassing. Wonder what the boss is gonna say about that?"

"You two tricked me!"

The Amethysts smirked at each other once again. "I don't know what you're talking about," 3F6R said, shrugging. "The security cams don't lie. YOU'RE the one who pushed the button. ...well. We need to get back to work. See you around, P! Good luck!" The Amethysts left Pearl alone. Pearl, meanwhile, was mentally working out how she was going to explain this to Her Diamond.

Once they had cleared the zoo, the kids stopped to catch their breaths. Kyle approached Stan.

"Stan, listen, you need to understand," he said, continuing their argument from earlier, "I have NO interest in dating Wendy. Especially not NOW, while we're stuck in outer space. She used to be your girlfriend and I respect that."

Stan sighed. "I know, Kyle. I'm sorry."

Cartman glanced over at a large opened door nearby. He stepped into the doorway to glance into the room beyond, and raised his eyebrows. "Uh oh. Hey, guys?"

The kids stepped into the doorway as well to see what Cartman was seeing.

Two large Gems, one yellow and one blue, stood in the center of the room, their backs to the door. The yellow one had her arms behind her back.

"Our subjects on the Gem Homeworld are becoming restless," the blue one said. "They're all terrified that… the end is near. We need to assure them that—"

"The end IS near," Yellow cut her off. "There's no point in hiding it anymore. The prophecy hasn't lied yet."

"There must be something we can—"

"We tried, centuries ago. Rose Quartz was the catalyst that set these events into motion, and I'm afraid our failure to destroy her has doomed our kind."

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Rose Quartz?"

Aquamarine marched towards the room, her head down. There was no working around it. She had to report her failure to her superiors. Topaz was done. She looked up, and saw the kids standing at the door. "You four!" she said, though Kyle shushed her.

"Shh! Look!" Aquamarine stared into the room.

"The prophecy states that the apocalypse will occur on a planet inhabited by Gems," Blue said. "The Gem Homeworld is not the only planet inhabited by Gems."

Kyle gasped. "There are Gems on Earth…"

Yellow nodded in response to Blue's statement. "Yes. Several of the prophecy's clauses refer to events that have occurred on Earth. Rose Quartz's war against the human nation of Canada is one example."

"Canada?" Wendy whispered. "What does Canada have to do with this?"

"So why are we worrying our subjects when the apocalypse isn't even likely to happen on our own planet?"

Yellow turned around and smiled. "Gems are becoming disenfranchised with our leadership. If they believe the end of the world is near, they'll turn to US for guidance. And when no such apocalypse occurs? They'll believe WE saved them."

Kyle glared at the Diamonds. "That's so dirty!"

Aquamarine narrowed her eyes. Her Diamonds… were lying to everyone! For their own personal gain! They were PROBABLY going to kill Topaz even if she'd succeeded on her mission.

Kyle glanced at Aquamarine, and noticed her glare. "Hey. Can you really defend this?"

"No, I can't," she said, with a bit of contempt in her voice. She knew now what she had to do to save Topaz. As for these kids… "You four. Follow me."

"Where are you taking us?" Cartman asked.

"Shut up, keep quiet, don't draw attention to yourself." Aquamarine led the kids through the halls of the space station. They passed the two Amethysts on their way back to the hangar.

"Whoa, whoa, where are you guys going?" 3F6R asked. "The _Pearl_ is down this way. Take THIS hall," she directed, pointing down another hallway. "This way's longer, but nobody will see you. Good luck."

Aquamarine nodded. "Thank you."

The group made it to the hangar, where Aquamarine's ship sat.

Okay, technically, the Authority owned the ship. But it was Aquamarine's ship _now._ Topaz stood outside the door, and raised an eyebrow when she saw the kids. "Hey, uh, why are they back?"

Aquamarine opened the door and smiled. "New orders. We're taking them back."

"Blue Diamond doesn't want 'em?"

Aquamarine laughed. "Oh, darling, she's not our boss anymore! We're freelancers!"

Topaz' eyes widened. "Freelancers? You don't mean-?"

"Your 'Authority' is casting you aside," Kyle said. "You don't work for them anymore."

Dazed, Topaz just watched as the kids entered the ship. Aquamarine stepped onto the ramp, but was stopped.

"Hey, you!" Yellow Pearl yelled. "Just where do you think you're going?"

Aquamarine turned around and smirked. "Topaz. Get the engine going."

"Y-yes sir!"

"Oh, no you don't!" Pearl yelled, stepping forward. "This is unbelievable! It's treason! You'll NEVER get away with this."

"Who's going to stop me?" Aquamarine asked. "You, a measly Pearl? Fat chance."

Pearl stopped moving and glared at Aquamarine. "Get over here right now, or I SWEAR you'll regret the day you popped out of that kindergarten!"

Aquamarine thought about it for a moment. "Hmm. No thanks. I'm good. See you around, Pearl." The doors closed, and the ship began to take off.

"Son of a… get back here!" Pearl ran towards the ship as it left the bay. "You'll regret this!"

"Oh, really, Pearl?" Holly Blue Agate said, marching towards Pearl. "A few of my guards have informed me that you released a group of humans from my Zoo! Why would you do that?"

"I… I di… wha…?" Pearl stuttered. "Aquamarine is ESCAPING!"

Holly Blue glanced down at her fingernails. "I didn't see any Aquamarines around here. All I saw were four humans. That you released." She smiled, and leaned down. "How do you suppose your Diamond is going to react to that, hmm?"

Pearl looked around, at Holly Blue, and at the several Quartz guards that were now surrounding her. They all looked extremely satisfied. It became clear to her now. She had been duped. This entire facility conspired against her, and…

There was nothing she could do to prove it!

* * *

Stan stared out the ship's window as the stars flew by. And his reflection. He sighed. Wendy approached him.

"What's wrong?"

Stan continued to stare out into space as he answered. "Those aliens... they said Rose Quartz is going to be responsible for the apocalypse."

"Oh, yeah. I wonder who that is."

"My dad used to know her. But... she's dead now, I thought." Stan furrowed his brow. "So then how is it that SHE can be responsible for anything on Earth?"

Wendy shrugged. "Maybe the prophecy was BS."

"Maybe..." Stan glanced over at Aquamarine. "What are you going to do after this?"

Aquamarine hadn't thought that part out. "...I don't know. Everything I know is on Homeworld. I can't stay on Earth, that's for sure."

"Come back to South Park with us," Kyle said. "It's a quiet little mountain town, it's barely on the map. Your leaders won't look for you there."

"I appreciate the offer, but I think Topaz and I are going to wander about the galaxy for a little while."

Topaz turned slightly and stared at her commander. "So... why are we leaving Homeworld?"

Aquamarine sighed. "Our leaders are not who I thought they were. I'm sorry you got dragged into this mess. They were going to kill you."

Topaz' eyes widened. "...you disobeyed orders to save me?"

"Oh, don't get all sentimental on me," Aquamarine said, rolling her eyes. Despite this, she was smiling, if only slightly. "We'll not speak of this again, okay?"

"It's kind of hard to ignore."

Wendy had been distracted by the conversation. She turned back to stare at Stan, however, whose worried look stayed. "Stan?"

"Something really fucked up is about to happen," Stan muttered. "I need to find out what Rose Quartz has to do with all of this, and what Canada has to do with it. My dad has the answers, I know he does."

As the ship approached Earth, Stan couldn't shake the feeling that whatever trouble they were just in, they were about to be in much, much worse trouble.


	11. Chapter 11: Justice

It was late in the evening. The sun was setting over the great nation of Canada. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau sat at his desk, writing a memo for the next day. Suddenly, two of his aides walked in.

"Mr. Prime Minister, we have big news," one said. His badge said 'Tim'.

"What is it, buddy?" The Prime Minister asked.

The other man, Horton, walked back over to the door. "You can come in now, guy." Seth Rogen entered the room.

"Nice to be here, buddy."

The Prime Minister glared at his aides. "Why have you brought an actor before me?"

"He was present for the attack on New Toronto!" Tim said. "He knows who did it!"

The Prime Minister raised an eyebrow. "Does he, now? Well then. Have a seat, buddy."

Seth took a seat. He looked really pissed off. "It was the Crystal Gems!" he exclaimed. "Those asshole war criminals came in and overthrew the Council of Presidents! They're to blame for the city's collapse!"

The Prime Minister put his pen down. "Could you please name the individuals responsible?"

"Their names are Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, and their hideout is in some American resort town on the East Coast!" Seth slid photos across the desk, which the Prime Minister studied intently.

"You're sure it was these three?"

"Positive."

"Then we have work to do." Trudeau stood up and paced to the other end of the room. "Notify the Commander of the Royal Canadian Army. And send a message to Canadians abroad."

Tim pulled out his phone. "What shall I say, buddy?"

"Tell them… that Canada's enemies will be destroyed."

* * *

The Broflovskis ate dinner in a rather cheery mood. After all, their son had just returned safe and sound from the horrifying depths of space, and they were so glad to have him back. "We were so worried about you, Kyle!" Sheila gushed. "We has no idea how on Earth we would be able to find you. If anything had happened to you—"

"Aw, come on, ma," Kyle said, smiling. "I'm safe now, aren't I?"

"Oh, yes, of course you are! It's just… it was so scary!" Sheila glanced at Ike. "Your brother was worried sick about you!"

"Spaceman rocket ship on the moon!" Ike babbled.

Kyle shrugged. "I'm just glad things are going back to normal. Space fucking sucked."

Suddenly, Ike's watch beeped. He glanced at it, and excused himself from the table to run up to his room. Once there, he sat at his computer and logged on. A video file had been placed on his desktop. Curious, he clicked it. The Prime Minister of Canada appeared on screen.

"Good evening, my friends, guys, and buddies," he said. "As I'm sure you know, Canada was viciously and repeatedly attacked at the end of last year. Rest assured, we've been working very hard to bring those responsible to justice. Tonight, Canadians all across the world may rest easy, as we will finally be taking out the cowardly attackers who caused New Toronto to fall. Justice. Will. Be served."

Ike adopted a determined glare. Finally. Those bastards were about to be brought to justice.

* * *

A black-colored Bell CH-146 Griffon helicopter bearing the Canadian flag on its tail rotor flew low over the Delmarva countryside. Its occupants were armed with standard-issue Colt Canada C7 assault weapons, each equipped with silencers and magnified optical sights. In their magazines were special armor-piercing bullets, specially designed to shatter gemstones. These soldiers were ready for war.

"Alright buddy, listen up," their commanding officer said into their headsets from the command center he'd set up on the ground. "The Prime Minister wants a quick, clean operation. Your weapons have been modified to utilize a special type of bullet which packs enough punch to kill these aliens, who are ordinarily unharmed by regular bullets. You are to get in, eliminate the targets, and get out. Do not harm any humans in the area, do you understand? If any civilians are harmed, we'll be forced to abort the mission. Does everyone understand?"

"Sure thing, guy!" every soldier said simultaneously as the helicopter landed. The door slid open, and the soldiers stepped out. Their boots were officially on the ground. The mission was a go.

* * *

Pearl glared out the beach house's window. The bane of her existence, a white 2016 Toyota Corolla SE that she didn't even want, sat out front. That dirty trickster of a salesman from South Park swindled her with his charming smile into buying it, but she had no USE for it.

She sighed, and looked over at Steven, who was sitting on the couch reading the latest No Home Boys novel. Garnet and Amethyst were also nearby, just lounging around. It'd been a very lazy night. No corrupted monsters, no space debris, no threats from Homeworld, just… a relaxing night. They hadn't had one of those in a while.

Suddenly, there was a rapid knock at the door, jolting Pearl back to reality. She glanced back out the window. A second vehicle had joined hers. Raising an eyebrow, she walked over to the door and opened it. "Randy?" she asked, mildly surprised that Randy Marsh was standing on the other side.

Randy sighed. "Hey, Pearl. Can I come in?"

"Of course, of course!" Randy walked in, followed by his son, Stan. "Stanley, it's good to see you!"

Steven perked up, and stared at the door. He smiled and waved. "Oh, hey, Stan! Or is it Toolshed right now?"

Stan shook his head. "Listen, I'm not here to play superheroes or whatever. I'm here because… something pretty fucked up happened."

Randy looked down at his son. "Stanley, language. He's right though, everything's fucked right now."

Pearl tilted her head. "What exactly happened?"

Randy sighed. "Pearl, Stan and his friends were kidnapped by Gems."

Pearl's eyes widened, and she stared at the ten year-old. "Oh, my goodness!"

"They took me to this… Zoo, or something," Stan muttered. "We saw Yellow Diamond."

Pearl shot the rest of the Crystal Gems a worried look. "Why don't you two sit down?" she said to her guests.

Steven looked a little worried too. "Are your friends okay?" he asked.

Stan nodded. "Yeah, no, we're all fine, we all got home safely. But… some really messed up shit is going down right now."

"Pearl, we need to talk about Rose," Randy said. "Stan told me that Yellow Diamond talked about some kind of… prophecy, involving Rose Quartz and Canada."

Steven frowned. His mom… and Canada?

Amethyst, on the other hand, glared. Those former Crystal Gems that they met in Canada… could this have something to do with them?

Pearl shook her head. "As far as I know, Rose never went into Canada."

"What about those Crystal Gems we met in Canada?" Amethyst asked.

Randy raised an eyebrow. "Canadian Crystal Gems?"

"Last December, we went on a mission in Toronto," Amethyst explained. "While we were there, we met a faction of the Crystal Gems that split off from the main group during the war. They ALSO talked about some kind of prophecy involving Rose Quartz and the Canadians."

Steven blinked. "Hey, wait a second, I didn't know about this."

"We agreed we wouldn't speak of that," Pearl said, glaring at Amethyst.

"No. YOU agreed we wouldn't talk about it!" Amethyst said. "Me and Garnet didn't have a say!"

Randy looked at Pearl seriously. "Pearl, both Yellow Diamond AND those other Crystal Gems talked about that prophecy. I think we need to—"

"We don't NEED to do anything!" Pearl dismissed. "You didn't KNOW those other Crystal Gems. They're liars. They'll do WHATEVER it takes to get into your head. They're no different from any other enemy we've faced!"

Steven glared at Pearl. "Then why did you hide them from me?"

"What? I didn't- I didn't HIDE them from you," Pearl denied. "We just- I mean, it never came up-" she stared desperately at Garnet. "Garnet. Please put an end to this nonsense and tell Steven that we never meant to HIDE anything from him."

Garnet just stared at Pearl, not saying a word.

"...Garnet?" Pearl's worried look worsened when Garnet didn't respond. She realized, however, that Garnet wasn't staring at her; Garnet was staring at something BEHIND her. "What's wr-"

"Everyone get down!" Garnet yelled. Startled, everyone turned to face the door, which was promptly kicked down by several Canadians wearing tactical vests and helmets and wielding assault weapons.

"Nobody move, buddy!" their assumed leader shouted.

Instinctively, Steven stepped forwards. "Hey, wait! What's going on?!"

A soldier in the back shouted, and by reflex, fired a shot towards Steven. He immediately regretted it. "Oh, shit!" he yelled.

Steven's eyes widened. From his perspective, everything happened all at once, in what felt like slow motion. That millisecond felt like minutes. Steven saw the bullet moving towards him. He looked to his left. The Crystal Gems looked horrified. Pearl was covering her mouth. He looked to his right. Randy and Stan looked like they were about to yell. He looked forward again. The Canadians looked immediately remorseful.

In truth, he had more than enough reaction time to summon his shield, or his bubble. Something to keep the bullet from hitting him. But… if he did that, it might ricochet. If it reflected back towards his attackers, his act of self-defense could quickly become manslaughter. If it went in any other direction, it could hurt Randy or Stan, or one of the Gems. There were just too many variables. Taking defensive action now could end badly. Really badly.

So, Steven decided to take one for the team. He opted to do absolutely nothing. The bullet hit him. He grabbed the wounded area—just inches away from his Gemstone—and yelled. "Agh!"

"Steven!" The Crystal Gems all shouted immediately in response.

Steven gripped the wound tightly. He started to feel a little woozy, and something felt wet on his palms. He took his hands off the injury and stared at them. His hands were covered in blood.

"Oh my god!" Stan yelled. "They shot Steven!" He glared at the soldiers. "You bastards!"

"I'm… I'm alright, guys, really, I…" the corners of Steven's vision started to get dark. It was getting really hard to stand up.

A Canadian spoke into his headset. "Sir! We shot a human boy!"

"What?! What the fuck! I fucking told you not to shoot fucking civilians, you dickwheel! Abort the mission, I repeat, abort the mission!"

The Canadians quickly backed out, running off into the night.

Everything in Steven's vision was super blurry. He felt lightheaded. Everything sounded like it was super far away. "Guys… I… I need help…" he said finally, before collapsing in a pool of what he assumed to be his own blood. As his vision went dark, he saw everyone in the room surround him.

"Hello?!" Randy said, holding a cellphone. "We need an ambulance right now! A kid's been shot!" That was the last thing Steven heard before losing consciousness.

* * *

 _Little boy at peace  
_ _What is this place beyond the stars?_

Steven heard a soothing voice in the darkness.

 _Open up your eyes  
_ _What is this place you're moving towards?_

Steven slowly opened his eyes. In the distance, a pair of golden gates, sitting upon miles of clouds.

 _Head so full of wonder  
_ _Worries in the past  
_ _Could it be that you are free at last?_

Steven blacked out again. At some point, he heard voices.

 _"We need… intensive care… losing him…!"_

 _"Steven… Hold on… Hold on…!"_

Suddenly, everything felt hot. Steven could have sworn he was standing in a furnace. Around him, although everything was blurry and hard to make out in his dazed state, he could have sworn he saw fire. In front of him was a large red figure… a man with goat legs and horns?

He wasn't able to figure it out before being pulled from there, too. He awoke, still dazed, on an operating table. Connie's mom stood over him. He heard a heart rate monitor somewhere in the room.

"Okay, we're almost finished here!" Mrs. Maheswaran said. "We need to close up the incision. Get me a needle." A nurse or somebody that Steven couldn't see handed the doctor a suture kit. Steven looked down at his body. He… he was opened up! He was in surgery! He started to internally freak out, his heart rate increasing rapidly, before he passed out again.

* * *

Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Stan, and Randy sat in the ER waiting room, waiting for any news at all about Steven's condition. Pearl was hunched over in her seat, her hands still over her mouth. This couldn't be happening. This was a bad dream, or something.

The door was kicked open. Peridot, Lapis, Greg, and Connie ran in. "We came as soon as we heard!" Connie said. "Where's Steven?! Is he okay?!"

Amethyst jerked her head in the direction of intensive care. "He's in surgery. They're trying to fix him, I guess."

Peridot glared at the door. "So, they're dissecting him, are they? Don't worry! We'll go in there and—!"

Greg held a hand up. "Connie's mom knows what she's doing. Steven's in good hands right now."

Lapis sat down in one of the empty seats. "Who did this? Was it another Gem? Did Homeworld send them?"

Pearl shook her head. Her eyes looked dead. "It was… just another human. Steven's life was nearly taken… by a completely normal human being. There was nothing supernatural about it. No aliens, Gems, monsters, nothing like that. He was just… shot. With a killing machine made by humans for use against humans."

The Canadians did this.

Dr. Maheswaran entered the waiting room, sighing. "Thank god that's over with…" she muttered.

Pearl stood up. "Dr. Maheswaran! Is Steven going to be okay?! Were you able to—?"

The doctor nodded. "Steven is going to be fine. We've removed the bullet and he's out of surgery." The entire room breathed a collective sigh of relief. "Right now, he just needs to rest. Whatever happened today was traumatic, and he's going to need a lot of time to recover, both physically and mentally."

Pearl nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Maheswaran."

Connie sat down next to Stan. "So, uh, you're one of Steven's friends?"

"I guess you could say that," Stan said. "We helped him save Beach City once, about a year ago."

Connie nodded. "Yeah, with those berries."

"Yeah, it was pretty fucked up, but we got rid of those gaywad berries."

Connie hesitated, surprised at Stan's vulgarity. "I- I see."

Pearl leaned back in her seat, and stared up at the flatscreen on the wall. Some kind of news program was on at the moment.

"Breaking news coming out of the White House, the President has landed himself in a bit of hot water again today. It was during a conference meant to discuss safety in our schools with the nation's governors that the President called the survivors of the Parkland shooting 'a bunch of whiny little bitches'. He later went on to say 'we never used to give a shit what kids thought, why are we starting now?'"

Pearl scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"In other White House-related news, the President is calling on his fellow Republicans in Congress to 'stop being so fucking bad at their jobs' and pass his new legislative proposal which would limit the amount of Canadians who can be granted work visas in the United States. The President, of course, has had a rather strained relationship with the Canadian government ever since his campaign began in 2015."

Pearl raised an eyebrow. That was right. The President was anti-Canadian.

"The only immigration policy that I believe in, is 'fuck 'em all to death!'" Mr. Garrison could be seen shouting on the TV. At this point in time, he was still just a school teacher. He didn't have his spray tan, or his golden shower wig, or his stank-face. He was just a regular guy who rose to power through anti-Canadian populist sentiment.

Pearl thought about it some more. Steven had been hurt, nearly killed, by a ruthless group of humans. A ruthless group of Canadian humans. Based on their equipment and their training, they had been sent by the Canadian government.

 _Blame Canada._

Operatives sent, endorsed, and funded by the Canadian government hurt Steven.

 _Blame Canada._

The Canadians… were evil.

 _Blame Canada._

The Canadians needed to be brought to justice.

Dr. Maheswaran re-entered the room. "Steven is awake. You all can see him now, if you'd like."

The group entered the room. Steven smiled as he watched them all walk in. "Heyyy, guys!" he said cheerily, although he seemed a bit tired. "See? Told you I'd be fine!"

"Yeah you did!" Amethyst encouraged, fist-bumping the boy. "Man, Steven, you took a bullet! That makes you a huge badass!"

Steven shrugged. "Honestly, I've taken worse."

Stan pulled out his phone. He appeared to be FaceTiming with somebody. "Alright, guys, here he is." He held the phone up to Steven. Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters were all on the other end.

"Is it true, Steven?!" Butters asked, a worried look on his face. "Did you really get shot?!"

Steven nodded. "Yeah, but I'm all better now! Check it out!" he lifted his shirt to reveal the gauze on his stomach. "There's a bunch of stitches under there. It was in there pretty deep, so they had to cut me open to get it out."

Cartman blinked. "That's pretty hardcore, bro."

Pearl, Connie, and Greg suddenly grabbed Steven and hugged him tightly. "Steven," Pearl said, "we were so scared… I thought we were going to lose you!" She was crying.

Steven chuckled. "Whoa, hey, Pearl, it's fine! See? I'm fine!" he tried to assure her. "I'm not going anywhere."

Pearl looked Steven in the eyes through her tears. "Steven. I promise. The people who did this won't get away with it."

Steven frowned. "...what do you mean by that?"

Suddenly, Peridot jumped up onto the hospital bed. "Steven!" Peridot yelled excitedly. "What was it like being dissected?!"

Everyone glared at her. "Peridot, get down from there!" Pearl scolded.

Peridot frowned and looked back at everyone. Then she realized that jumping on Steven's bed while he was in the hospital probably wasn't a good idea. She chuckled sheepishly and slid back down onto the floor. "Heh. Hehe. Um. Ahem. Steven. What was it like being dissected?"

Steven shrugged. "I was actually asleep for most of it. Which is probably a good thing. Being cut open sounds like it hurts."

On Stan's phone, Kenny nodded. "Oh, hell yeah, being cut open's the worst."

Kyle glared at Kenny. "Kenny, you've never been cut open before."

Peridot glanced over at the phone. "I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss him, Kyle." She winked at Kenny. "I think he knows what he's talking about."

The group chatted it up for what felt like hours. They didn't even talk about the shooting. They talked about anything and everything else, to take their minds off of it. After a while, though, visiting hours ended, and Dr. Maheswaran had to ask Stan, Randy, and Connie to leave. Connie's father arrived to take her home, while Stan and Randy retreated to the hotel room they'd gotten in Beach City. The Crystal Gems and Greg, being family, were allowed to stay. Most of them opted to stay in the waiting room, to give Steven some space. Pearl, on the other hand, stayed with Steven, and watched as he fell asleep.

How could this have happened? The Crystal Gems had enemies, sure, but those enemies were all so… out of this world. The fact that the circumstances of this incident were so normal was, well, bizarre, in Pearl's mind. It never once crossed her mind that Steven would need to be protected from such an ordinary, human threat.

 _"Times have changed,"_ Pearl began to sing softly.  
 _"This planet's getting worse.  
_ _"We won't be safe anymore  
_ _"And it makes me want to curse."_

Pearl glanced at a nearby television. The President was onscreen, and although the audio was muted, Pearl could guess he was giving a speech of some kind.

 _"Should I blame the President?  
_ _"Or blame society?  
_ _"Or should I just accept that this was brought on by me?"_

Pearl looked at Steven's nightstand, where a Terrance and Phillip comic he'd been reading lay. She glared.

 _"No!  
_ _"Blame Canada! Blame Canada!  
_ _"With their all their beady little eyes  
_ _"And flapping heads so full of lies."_

Pearl stood up and marched into the waiting room. _"Blame Canada! Blame Canada!  
_ _"We need to form a full assault  
_ _"It's Canada's fault!"_

Amethyst raised an eyebrow. "Whoa, P, what are you talking about?"

"Those soldiers that hurt Steven were with the Canadian government!"

Peridot scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Blame Canada? Really, Pearl? Don't you think that's an extreme overreact- whoa!" Peridot was caught by surprise as Pearl grabbed her shoulders and spun her around, showing her the nearby TV screen, which had an image of the Canadian Prime Minister on it.

 _"I don't blame you,"_ Pearl sang.  
 _"You don't understand.  
_ _"The world was never perfect,  
_ _"And now the evil here is grand!_

 _"And the President once  
_ _"Commanded lots of respect!  
_ _"But now when you see him  
_ _"He reminds you this country's a wreck."_

Lapis didn't get it. "How is that Canada's fault?"

Pearl smiled. "Don't you know? CANADA is the reason he ran in the first place."

"Ohh. I get it now."

 _"Blame Canada! Blame Canada!"_ Pearl led the group through the hospital, showing them a book detailing the history of Canada.  
 _"It seems that everything's gone wrong  
_ _"Since Canada came along.  
_ _"Blame Canada! Blame Canada!"_

Greg had Canada's Wikipedia article pulled up on his phone. _"They're not even a real country anyway!"_ he sang.

Peridot and Amethyst shot each other worried glances. Pearl seemed to be going to a dark place here. Didn't anyone else see it?

The Gems, having returned to the waiting room, peeked into Steven's room, where he was still fast asleep.

 _"Steven could be a doctor,"_ Pearl sang in a hushed tone,  
 _"Or a lawyer, rich and true.  
_ _"But now he's laying in a hospital nursing bullet wounds."_

 _"Should we blame the weapons?"_ Garnet asked.

 _"Should we blame the bullet?"_ Greg asked.

 _"Or Congress, for taking money and refusing to cool it?"_ Lapis asked.

 _"Heck no!"_ Pearl responded.  
 _"Blame Canada! Blame Canada!  
_ _"With all their hockey hullabaloo,  
_ _"And that liar Prime Minister too."_

 _"Blame Canada! Shame on Canada, for  
_ _"The violent solutions, and moral contusions,  
_ _"The damage with guns, must all be undone,  
_ _"We must blame them, and cause a fuss,  
_ _"Before somebody thinks of blaming us!"_

Pearl held out that final note as Greg, Garnet, and Lapis danced around her. Peridot and Amethyst, however, sat off to the side, still worried about the implications of what Pearl was saying—and that the others seemed to be going along with it.

"Uh… maybe she'll get over it in a few days?" Amethyst said to Peridot, whose worries weren't alleviated any.

* * *

Ordinarily, Peridot didn't sleep. She'd been so exhausted by the last 24 hours, however, that she figured she could give it a try. The next morning, a rather ugly snore left her throat as she continued to sleep, her big head lying on Lapis's lap. Lapis was also asleep, and she was sprawled out across two adjacent chairs. Her snores were quieter, but still prevalent. Both were awoken very suddenly by a t-shirt hitting each of their faces.

"Zuh, uh, wha…?" Peridot muttered sleepily. She pulled the shirt off of her face and stared at it. "What is this?"

"What do you think?" Pearl asked, grinning at the green Gem. "I spent all night working on it."

Peridot examined the shirt. It was a rather simple design, a maple leaf with a cross over it, and above it, lettering reading… "C.G.A.C?" Peridot asked, giving Pearl a weird look.

"Crystal Gems Against Canada!" Pearl explained. "I figured, if we're going to get serious about righting the wrongs, we needed a mission statement."

Peridot frowned. "Don't you think this is a bit much?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, the whole 'blame Canada' thing," Peridot said. "It doesn't seem practical to fight an entire country."

Pearl chuckled. "Oh, Peridot, we aren't going to PHYSICALLY fight them. That's ridiculous. We are going to partake in civil disobedience to raise awareness about their misdeeds and convince the world to stop turning a blind eye."

Peridot gave Pearl a half-lidded glare and stayed quiet for a second or two. "That's idiotic," she said flatly after Pearl didn't say anything else. But, she thought to herself, it's also not as bad as I thought it was going to be. She looked over at Lapis, who had already put on the shirt, and glared at her, too. "Alright. Fair enough, then. What's first on our 'civil disobedience' agenda?"

* * *

Peridot had never felt so degraded. She and the other Crystal Gems now stood on in front of the Big Donut in Beach City, waving signs about how evil the Canadian government was.

Sorry. Everyone ELSE was waving signs. Peridot was dressed as an oversized maple leaf, and she looked extremely upset. "Blame Canada," she said rather un-enthusiastically. "Don't forget to blame Canada, everyone. Canada is evil. Etcetera."

A passing citizen stopped and stared at Peridot. "Didn't you used to be the Mayor?" he asked.

"Didn't your cheating wife used to love you?" Peridot shot back, entirely unamused. The man, not appreciating the hostility, or being reminded that his wife was cheating on him, left. Randy and Stan approached the group.

"Stanley! Randy!" Pearl said, smiling. "How did you sleep?"

"You guys are waging war on Canada now?" Stan asked, an eyebrow raised.

"A war of words!" Pearl corrected. "We're going to show these Canadians that we won't be pushed around!"

Stan punched his nosebridge. "Oh my god, you people are fucking retarded."

"Don't lump me in with them, I wanted to start a trolling campaign on Twitter," Peridot told him.

Amethyst also looked rather unhappy, but for a decidedly different reason. Peridot was embarrassed to be in that costume. Amethyst was embarrassed to be a Crystal Gem. Like Peridot, she hoped this would all end soon.

Stan took this time to look at the t-shirts they were all wearing. "C.G.A.C…?" he muttered to himself. Then, realizing what that stood for, he widened his eyes. "You guys shouldn't be doing this," he said. "Bad things could happen."

Peridot smiled. "Thaaank you! Finally, somebody with some sense!"

Pearl knelt down to meet Stan's eyes. "Now Stanley, I don't expect you to understand what we're doing here. You're ten, and I'm ten thousand, so I have a lot more experience than you do. Sometimes, you need to fight for what's right."

"Dude, are you dense?" Stan asked.

"Why no, actually, my body is mostly a projection of light."

Randy coughed uncomfortably. "Uh, Pearl, we still need to talk about what the boys saw at the Zoo. Yellow Diamond said—"

"Yellow Diamond said CANADA was involved in an apocalyptic prophecy, correct?" Pearl interrupted. "Assuming the prophecy isn't totally bogus—which it is—that means Canada is a much greater threat than any of us could possibly imagine."

"You need to listen to me," Stan said, glaring up at Pearl. "You're making a REALLY big mistake. This is going to end REALLY badly." His eyes darted over to Garnet. "You! You're the sensible one, right? Can't you see that what's going on here is really fucked up?"

Pearl glared at Randy. "You know, you really oughta clean out your son's mouth."

"He's right, Pearl," Randy said. "You aren't thinking clearly. What if-?"

"What if? Rose Quartz didn't ask 'what if'!" Pearl argued. "When she saw injustice in our galaxy, she ACTED!"

"But not everything she did was the right thing to do!" Randy yelled. "You know that better than anyone else."

Stan was still glaring at Garnet. "Well? Aren't you going to say anything?"

Finally, Garnet opened her mouth. "Right now, my two halves are at unease with the situation. They both disagree on how this should be handled. But they both agree that something needs to be done."

Stan glared incredulously up at the Gem. "...what?!" he shouted. "'Your two halves?!' What the fuck does that even mean?!"

"Pearl, PLEASE just think about this for a second," Randy pleaded. "You don't know what you're getting into."

"Oh, I'm being asked to think ahead by Randy Marsh?" Pearl mocked. "The same man who once put his testicles in a microwave to give himself cancer so he could get medical marijuana is telling me to think about what I'm doing. Yeah. Okay."

Randy shook his head. "Come on, Stan, let's go," he said, dragging his son along.

"You people are making a big mistake!" Stan yelled as he walked away. "Just… don't do anything crazy, okay?!"

Pearl scoffed. "Can't they see we're trying to make the world a better place?"

Peridot and Amethyst didn't seem to agree.

* * *

Steven lay in his hospital bed, reading up on the Terrance and Phillip comics he'd missed over the last several months, what with being in space half the time and all. Connie sat in the chair next to him, reading a comic of her own. They heard his door open, and glanced over, surprised to see not only Stan Marsh, but Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormick enter. "Oh? You guys all came to see me?" Steven asked. "Wait. How did you guys get here?"

"We need to talk," Kyle said. "Stan called us and told us the Crystal Gems were getting into some shady shit."

"Yeah, and also, I think Garnet has MPD," Stan added.

Steven frowned. "Uh… no? Well, okay, yes, they've done some shady stuff, but we're dealing with that one problem at a time."

"So you're already dealing with the war they declared on Canada?" Stan asked.

"...what?"

"Is there a TV in here?" Stan looked around. "Change it to CNN."

Steven retrieved a remote and turned on the TV, which was already tuned to CNN.

"Good evening, I'm Tim Hairpiece with CNN," the reporter on screen greeted. Steven scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"Ugh, this guy."

"Don't worry about HIM," Kyle said. "Worry about what he's REPORTING ON."

"Controversy has erupted in the Delmarva resort town of Beach City tonight, as word spreads of a failed assassination plot on some of its residents by the Canadian government which left a teenage boy injured by high-powered gunfire. With us tonight is the boy's legal guardian, Pearl."

Pearl appeared onscreen. A subtitle below her image read "Outraged Alien". "Hello, Tim," Pearl said.

Steven's eyes widened. "Pearl?!"

"As well as the Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs," Tim continued. Pearl's window became a split screen view, with a bearded Canadian man appearing on the other side. His subtitle read "Canadian".

"Thanks for having me, buddy," the Minister replied.

"Mr. Minister, Americans are concerned about your country's militaristic policies as of late," Tim said. "Some say that Canada has become 'the World Police', so to speak."

"Well, America's been sending their troops into foreign nations and waging unsolicited wars for years," the Minister began.

"But that doesn't mean you have to stoop to that level!" Pearl argued.

"Can I finish?" The Minister asked. "The fact is that we Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage–"

"You just don't care!" Pearl interrupted.

"Can I finish? Hello, can I finish? The United States has sent their soldiers into Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, all without their consent. We can't believe that an attempt to take out a terrorist would piss you off so much."

"Because we AREN'T terrorists!" Pearl interrupted again. "Steven had nothing to do with—"

"Can I finish?!" The Minister asked, now pissed off himself. "Please, can I finish?!" After a moment of silence, he calmed down. "Alright. I'm finished."

"Now, Mr. Minister," Tim chided, "it isn't like this attack is the first international incident to come out of Canada, let us not forget Justin Bieber."

"Now, now, the Canadian government has apologized for Justin Bieber on several occasions–"

"You Canadians are all the same," Pearl muttered. "What, with your beady little eyes, and flapping heads…"

"That- HEY! I find that racist!" The Minister shouted

"How can we be sure any of us are safe from–"

"You are a racist—!" Steven turned the TV off.

"...what on Earth?" he asked nobody in particular.

"She sounds like Kyle's mom," Cartman noted.

Stan rolled his eyes. "Come on, Cartman, knock it off, this isn't the time to—"

"No," Kyle said, "he's RIGHT."

"What?" Stan and Cartman said in unison .

"Cartman's right. Pearl DOES sound like my mom," Kyle realized. "Oh my god. Steven. You HAVE to stop them!"

"What do you mean?" Steven asked. "Sure, they're going a LITTLE overboard, but–"

"No, you don't GET it!" Kyle cut him off. "This has all happened before. I've SEEN all of this before. History is REPEATING itself." Steven couldn't help but notice how worried Kyle looked. "If things keep going the way they are, it's going to escalate, and things are going to end badly. Really badly."

Steven thought about it. Kyle seemed really sure of himself. And he had to agree, whatever the Gems were doing, it wasn't good… but he had to disagree that this would escalate much further. He trusted the Gems to always fight on the right side. So he knew they wouldn't take it much farther than this. "Don't worry, Kyle," he said finally. "Things are going to be okay. I promise. The Crystal Gems are good people. They always do the right thing, eventually."

Kyle didn't look like he believed Steven. He sighed, however, and let it go. "Okay, Steven. If you think it's all going to be alright, we trust you. Just… don't let this go too far."

Steven nodded. "You have my word. This isn't going to go any farther than it already has."

* * *

President Garrison sat at his desk, hands over each other, as he stared patiently and compassionately at the person in front of him. "I know you've been hurt," he said. "I know… that you feel like society has wronged you. Like everybody is against you. You don't feel safe in your own home, and I understand how you feel. Recently, things have come to a head, and something HAS to be done about the hurt people are feeling right now. I want you to know, that I will be doing everything in my power to make sure that you feel safe again in your own country."

Senator Marco Rubio sniffled. "Those… those kids! They're saying such mean things to me! I- I don't think I can handle it anymore! Mr. President, since the Parkland shooting, I have had over two hundred high school students from all across Florida call me and leave really mean messages on my answering machine!" He retrieved his cell phone from his pocket. "Just listen to some of these messages!" He began to play them.

"Hello, Senator Rubio, this is Jeremy, age 17, from Miami, Florida. Just calling to let you know that I hope you get your balls stuck in a waffle iron tonight."

"Hi, Mr. Senator, my name is Katherine, I'm a high school sophomore from Titusville. You should be ashamed of yourself, I hope you get fucked by a cactus."

"Good evening, Senator Rubio. I'm Timmy, age 18, from Melbourne, Florida. I really liked you when you ran for President back in 2016, but if I'm being honest, I think you should probably just exercise your second amendment rights by shooting yourself in the temple with a high-caliber round."

"Hello, Mr. Senator, you should kill yourself-"

"Commit suicide, you irresponsible shit."

"Disembowel yourself with a katana-"

"Kill yourself."

"Just fucking kill yourself, Senator."

"There are a hundred more like that," the Senator sighed. "A lot of people are telling me to kill myself. I-I might do it!"

Garrison closed his eyes. "Senator Rubio, I promise, nobody actually wants you to kill yourself," he lied. "They're just saying that."

CLASSi, who was sitting nearby, filing her nails, decided to interject. "I think he should kill himself," she said.

The NRA spokesman that had accompanied Rubio to the White House put a hand on Rubio's shoulder. "Come on, Mr. Rubio, you're overreacting."

"That's easy for you to say," Rubio sniffed. "You're used to everyone hating you. People used to LIKE me! But now, everyone hates me! Look at this poll that just came out. '98% of Americans believe Florida Senator Marco Rubio should kill himself tonight.'"

"Don't worry, Senator, we'll figure something out," Garrison assured. He glanced up as two of his aides walked in.

"Mr. President, the Prime Minister of Canada is here to see you."

"The Prime Minister? What does he want now?" Garrison sighed. "I'm sorry, Senator Rubio, I'm going to have to cut this meeting short. Just stay off of social media for a while, okay? This'll all blow over soon."

Rubio sniffled again. "O-okay…" he muttered, as he and the NRA spokesman stood up and walked out, passing Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

"Hello again, Mr. President," the Prime Minister greeted. "I have some concerns about some things that were said on American television today."

"Oh, yeah, that 'blame Canada' thing Pearl's doing," the President replied. "You know you really should have called me before trying something stupid like that assassination mission."

"The Crystal Gems DESTROYED our city!" the Prime Minister yelled, slamming his fist on the table. "And we aren't supposed to retaliate? Fuck that, buddy! We Canadians have principles! This is aboot taking a stand!"

"Yes, I know full well what it's 'about'," Garrison said, enunciating his words. "But I don't appreciate international assassinations being conducted within my borders without my consent."

"Just like how the last two administrations went into Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria without their consent? Fuck you, you're a fucking hypocrite."

"Don't piss me off, Trudeau," Garrison warned. "Your petty bullshit threats aren't going to work on me anymore. Attacking the Crystal Gems' base was crossing the line. Don't cross any more lines. As one of my students once said, you need to 'respect my authoritah'."

"We'll do whatever we please!" Trudeau said, standing up. "Fuck you, and fuck your authoritah! Get those Crystal Gems in line, or we'll have a big problem!" He marched out of the room, slamming the door on his way out.

"...jeez, he's a fuckin' prick," the President muttered.

* * *

The Crystal Gems and Greg had set up a stall in Beach City Funland, where they sold anti-Canada merchandise, including C.G.A.C. t-shirts, pamphlets, and Weird Al Yankovic CDs with offensive material edited out. "Blame Canada, everyone!" Pearl called out cheerfully as people walked by. "Canada is responsible for all of the world's problems!"

Sadie happened to walk past and gave them a weird look. "What did Canada ever do to you guys?"

"They tried to hurt Steven!" Pearl explained. "The Canadian government sent one of its military units to Beach City to assassinate us, and Steven was injured."

Sadie's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh! Is Steven okay?!"

"He's fine, now," Peridot assured. "Which is why we should cease our anti-Canada activities at once."

"Are you kidding? This needs to be taken even further!" Sadie said.

Peridot glared at her. "Don't encourage them, I am TIRED of wearing degrading outfits for this movement."

"No, I'm serious! If Canada really ordered that attack, then they SERIOUSLY overstepped their bounds."

Amethyst glared at Sadie as well. "No, everything's fine. We don't need to-"

"You'll NEVER get your message across just complaining to random people!" Sadie continued. "You need to complain to the one person who can actually do something about it."

Peridot groaned. "Oh, you don't mean–"

* * *

"We have to take action!" Pearl yelled, slamming her fist on President Garrison's desk.

"We really don't," Peridot said. "Please, Mr. President, just ignore Pearl, she's in hysterics right now and isn't really thinking about anything she's saying, as always."

Garrison hummed. "So, you want me to take action against the Canadians?" he asked. "You know, the Prime Minister was actually just in here yesterday about you guys. You're really pissing him off."

"WE'RE pissing HIM off?!" Pearl asked incredulously. "His government almost killed Steven!

"Look, Pearl, the world isn't fair," the President said. "Sometimes you eat shit and it's not really your fault, but you still have to take it anyway because… well, somebody's gotta eat that shit."

"If he's so scared of a little civil disobedience, then our tactics must be working!" Pearl said, sounding very proud of herself.

"Actually, you're just sort of annoying him," Garrison replied. "He doesn't view you guys as a threat anymore, and honestly, why should he? He has an entire military behind him, and you have, what, five lesbians?"

Peridot shook her head. "Four lesbians and an asexual biromantic. But you are correct in that we are VASTLY outnumbered." She looked up Pearl. "Pearl, I'm sorry. I know you believe in this and I know you're only trying to protect Steven. But what we're doing just won't work, practically or morally."

Amethyst nodded. "Yeah. It's time to call it quits on this whole 'blame Canada' thing, it's really dragging out and going nowhere."

"They're right, Pearl," Garrison affirmed. "Just give up. Nobody wants to see you go down this road."

Pearl crossed her arms. "They can't keep doing what they do and getting away with it."

"Of course not, and I promise, I will have a talk with Trudeau about all of this the next time we have to draft up a trade agreement," the President said. "But now is not the time to get wrapped up in some petty bullshit, what are you doing right now, selling t-shirts? Get serious."

Pearl sighed. "Okay. Alright. Maybe you're right." After a brief moment of silence, Pearl looked to her companions and said, "I think I need a moment. Can you-"

"Yeah, yeah, sure thing," Amethyst said, giving Pearl some space. "We'll be waiting outside. Come on, guys."

Garnet, Amethyst, Lapis, Peridot, and Greg left the Oval Office, leaving Pearl and Mr. Garrison alone. Garrison sighed.

"I'm sorry, Pearl. I heard Steven was hurt really badly. Can you give him my regards and best wishes-"

"The Canadians outnumber the Crystal Gems," Pearl thought out loud. "...but is their worldwide influence greater than America's?"

Garrison blinked and raised an eyebrow, unsure of what he was being asked. "Excuse me?"

"This is YOUR fight, too, Mr. President. We were attacked on AMERICAN soil."

Garrison shook his head. "No, no, no no-"

"How long are you going to just TAKE this from them?" Pearl asked. "Don't you think you've been pushed around long enough?"

"Pearl, I am not going to entertain your petty-"

"Oh, right, I forgot. You're all talk, no action."

Garrison glared at Pearl. "Excuse me?"

"Well, since you took office, what have you done?" Pearl asked. "You threatened to bomb Denmark, then backed down from it. You've had twenty different executive orders stricken down by federal courts. Half of your cabinet has either resigned or been fired. You've passed, what, one major piece of legislation in the last year?" She shrugged. "I don't know, I guess I forgot you're just a puppet that Paul Ryan, Steve Bannon, and Vladimir Putin can use to push their agendas."

Garrison leaned forward. "I am not a puppet," he growled.

"Prove it. Take a stand for what's right. For once in your life, don't rely on your tweets to get the job done. Do something, and tell those Canadians to keep their flappy heads out of Crystal Gem business. Sanction them, or pull out of a trade deal, or something."

Garrison continued to glare at Pearl. "You're not in charge here, Pearl. I am. Get out of my office," he demanded. "You've overstayed your welcome."

Pearl stood up. "Fine! Just remember that your predecessors would have taken action." She marched out of the room, leaving an extremely pissed off President Garrison.

"Why is everybody such a prick these days?" he asked.

"'Cause the President's a divisive asshole," CLASSi chimed in from her seat nearby, painting her toenails.

"...CLASSi, I'M the President."

"Bitch, I know what I said."

The President groaned.

* * *

Several days passed, and Steven was discharged from the hospital. He was welcomed back by every Crystal Gem, Peridot included, as well as Lapis, Greg, and Connie. Stan and Randy had returned to South Park by this point, although before leaving Stan once again expressed his concerns about the Crystal Gems' actions to Steven privately—but Pearl appeared to drop her Canadian vendetta, so it seemed, for the moment anyway, that everything was fine. Still, Steven was worried.

The President, meanwhile, was dealing with his own headaches. His senior counselor, some dipshit who was under FBI investigation because he was bad with money, just had his security clearance revoked. The Democrats were pressuring him to act on gun control. CLASSi would not get off of his case. Everyone and everything was getting on his nerves and he was nearly at his breaking point.

Back in South Park, Kyle worried about how far Pearl would go to air her grievances—and whether or not people would listen to her. He peeked into the kitchen, where his mother was washing dishes. He really didn't want there to be another Mothers—or Millenials—Against Canada movement. He glanced back into the living room, where his adopted younger brother, Ike, was watching Dora. If this goes too far, what'll happen to Ike, a Canadian by birth?

Unbeknownst to Steven, Garrison, and Kyle, their problems were about to get worse. A lot worse.

That Wednesday, February 28th, 2018, a date that Americans and Canadians alike would remember for years to come, President Garrison was scheduled to have a meeting with the Prime Minister of Canada and the President of Mexico regarding the renegotiation of the North American Free Trade Agreement. Before the meeting, the Prime Minister approached Garrison in the Oval Office.

"So, the Crystal Gems backed down, eh, buddy?" he asked.

"Yeah, I had a talk with them, they won't be a problem anymore," Garrison responded. "You owe me."

"I don't owe you shit, THEY started it."

The President sighed and closed his eyes. "It kind of sounds to me like YOU started it. Do you know how hard it is to get the Crystal Gems to back down once they've committed to something?"

"Yes, almost as difficult as it is to get you to commit to something at all," the Prime Minister quipped.

"Listen, I really don't want to hear-"

"You really are a spineless bitch, guy."

"...what?"

"You always talk big, but you bow to pressure like a fucking bitch." The Prime Minister made a rather vulgar thrusting motion with his hips. "I'm fucking you right now. And you're taking it. I bet you'll bend over during the negotiations, too."

Garrison glared at the flappy headed fuck. "I'm not anybody's 'bitch'."

"You're Putin's bitch."

"People need to stop saying that!" Garrison yelled. "I am not Putin's bitch, I fucking hate that guy!"

"Yes you are, just like you were Mr. Hat's bitch while you were a teacher."

Garrison paused. "Who told you about Mr. Hat?"

"And you know what else? You-"

"Who. Told you. About. Mr. Hat."

"What are-"

"Mr. Hat is a part of my past!" The President screamed, losing his composure. "We do not talk about Mr. Hat, Mr. Hat was a fucking prick!"

"Whoa, calm down, Mr. President-"

"Fuck you, Trudeau, you crossed the fucking line!" Garrison shouted. "Get out of my office."

"But the NAFTA-"

"The US is pulling out of NAFTA. Get the fuck out of my office before I fuck you to death!"

The Secret Service arrived and started to escort the Prime Minister out. "Hey! Hey, get your dirty American hands off of me, buddy!" The Secret Service took him out and closed the door behind him.

"God damn it!" Garrison yelled. "Fuck those beady-eyed assholes. They crossed the fucking line." He turned to his senior counselor. "Kushner! Get Pearl on the phone!"

Jared Kushner looked concerned. "Mr. President, I really must advise against-"

Garrison pushed him aside. "Fuck you, I'll do it myself. You're fucking fired!"

"Fired? Who will you replace me with?"

The President dialed a number. "With the only woman in the galaxy with the balls to actually do something!"

* * *

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny watched with bored expressions as Mrs. Nelson wrote out the day's lesson plan on the chalkboard. Suddenly, PC Principal spoke over the intercom. "Attention, all students and faculty, please report to the gymnasium at once. All students and faculty, please report to the gymnasium."

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "What the hell's going on?"

Tweek barged into the room, startling the other students. "Craig! Where's Craig?! Agh!"

Craig walked over to Tweek. "What's wrong, babe?"

"The President's about to make an announcement on the emergency broadcast system!" He twitched. "Ack!"

Stan looked at his friends. "An announcement? Is that why we have to go to the gym?" Worried, he stood up and followed the rest of his classmates out.

* * *

Peridot slammed on the beach house's door. "Steven! Steven, open the door!" she yelled, urgency in her voice. Steven opened the door, and let her and Lapis in. Connie was already here. "The President-"

"Yeah, I know, the President's about to make an emergency broadcast," Steven said as he led the group to the TV. "What do you think it's about?"

"I don't know, but if it tanks his approval ratings again, I'm going to pull my hair out," Peridot said anxiously. She had just spent, like, two months performing good deeds in the President's name to boost his numbers a bit, and they had finally gotten back over 40%. If he ruins this… "...where are the others?"

"Hmm?"

"Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, where are they?"

Steven shrugged. "They went on a mission, they didn't say much about it."

Connie turned the TV on. "Alright, let's see what dumb thing the President's going to rave about this time."

* * *

The students and faculty of South Park Elementary gathered in the gym as Mr. Mackey wheeled a TV into the room. "M'kay, everyone take your seats, m'kay…"

The Rubies sat down next to Jimmy and Timmy. "What's going on?" Navy whispered to Jimmy.

"I don't kn-know, fellas," Jimmy responded, "but the P-puh-President sure seems to think it's important."

* * *

Aquamarine and Topaz orbited Earth in their stolen spaceship. Aquamarine realized a commotion was going on, and hijacked a satellite signal to watch the President's address. "Pay attention, Topaz," she said. "This is the leader of the humans."

"Why do we care about that?" Topaz asked. Aquamarine shrugged.

"It's entertainment."

* * *

Practically the entire planet was glued to its collective television set as the broadcast finally began. President Garrison addressed the nation from his desk in the Oval Office, a rather serious look on his face.

"Good afternoon, my fellow Americans," he began, before sighing. "On November 8th, 2016, you all elected me to lead you, through the good times, and the bad, and although this country is more divided than ever, perhaps by my own doing, I am still its leader, and as its leader I must sometimes make grave decisions."

Steven raised an eyebrow. "What's he on about?"

Garrison continued his speech. "For years, the United States has been used, abused, exploited, and humiliated by its neighbors on this continent. This ends tonight."

Kyle's face fell. "Oh, no…" he muttered, glancing around at the other kids in the school. Ike… where was Ike?

"The United States of America will no longer be a doormat. It's about time I do something about the way our country is exploited on an annual basis." The President paused. "Today, the United States Armed Forces invaded Cornwall, Ontario."

Steven gasped. "Oh my god…"

"I've come to you today, to announce that the United States, several months after the bombing of Toronto, has decided to declare war on our neighbor to the north, the nation of Canada."

The students of South Park Elementary gasped. The viewing party at Steven's house stared in shock. Aquamarine, viewing from her ship, raised an eyebrow and stared down at the planet.

"Well, this just got interesting…" Aquamarine muttered.

"My fellow Americans, I ask that you turn to your loved ones and hug them. Spend time with them, because…" the President trailed off. "...because truth be told, I don't know how or when this war is going to end."

Steven put a hand on his temple. "I don't understand. Why? Who told him to do this?"

Connie looked horrified. "Steven…" she said, pointing to the TV. Steven looked back at the screen.

Pearl was there.

"I'm turning the camera over to my new Senior Counselor, Pearl. Please, listen to what she has to say."

Pearl sat down at the desk. "Thank you, Mr. President. Greetings! I'm sure some of you may have doubts about this war, or where it's going to end up, but I assure you, I've fought wars for THOUSANDS of years! You needn't worry! With me at the helm, this war will be over rather quickly. Keep your chin up, America! The age of Canadian oppression is over!"

Kyle, walking through the crowd of students and teachers, looked around for his brother. "Ike? Ike?! Ike, where are you?!" Kyle walked out into the halls, and saw Ike standing there. "Ike, there you are! Come on, we need to–!"

Suddenly, several armed servicemen kicked open a nearby door. "There he is, sir!" one of them, said.

"Ike!" Kyle yelled. "Get away from him!"

"Sorry, kid," the soldier replied as his cohorts grabbed Ike. "The President has ordered that all Canadians living in the United States be held indefinitely."

"Spooky nanners!" Ike yelled, desperately begging his big brother to save him.

"Please, you can't take him!" Kyle yelled. "He's just a kid, he- he's not the enemy."

"Take him away." Ike cried as the soldiers carried him off.

"Iiiiike!" Kyle yelled after them.

* * *

Steven, Connie, and Peridot stared at Steven's TV in shock as the President ended his broadcast. "What…" Peridot began.

"...the…" Connie continued.

"...fudge…" Steven finished.

Lapis shrugged. "So, wait, are we angry or not?"

Steven heard the warp pad. "Pearl!" Steven yelled, standing up and running down to meet Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. Pearl looked immensely satisfied. Amethyst looked really bummed out. Garnet… looked like Garnet. "Pearl, what the heck was that?! You're going to WAR with Canada?!"

"That's right, Steven," Pearl responded. "The people who hurt you are going to be brought to justice! Isn't that great?"

"No! It's not great! It's really dumb!" Steven glared at Pearl. "Have you completely lost it?! And you two!" he glared at Amethyst and Garnet. "You're just… going along with it?!"

Amethyst sighed. "Sorry, Steven…" she muttered.

"No you aren't! If you were sorry, you wouldn't be doing it!"

"Steven, what's wrong?" Pearl asked. "You seem upset."

"What- WHAT'S WRONG?!" Steven yelled. "I can't believe this."

Peridot approached the argument. "Pearl, while Steven's reaction is unnecessarily melodramatic, I do have to point out how misguided and pointless this war is."

Pearl sighed. "Steven, one day, you'll understand why we do the things we do."

"Stop treating me like I'm stupid, or something!" Steven shot back. "I'M the one who was nearly killed by those Canadians! I don't want to go to war with them over it! Doesn't my opinion matter to you?!"

Pearl thought about it for a moment. "Your opinion is severely misguided."

"So no, then."

"I didn't say that."

Steven looked over at Garnet. "Garnet?"

Garnet looked away. "Sometimes, you have to do things you don't want to do. This is one of those things."

Pearl knelt down and put a hand on the boy's shoulder. "Steven, I know this might seem strange, and wrong to you, but… we're only doing what's best for you. We just want to protect you."

Steven swatted Pearl's hand away from her. "My life isn't more valuable than the millions of innocents you just put in danger."

"Well, actually, from a purely objective standpoint-" Steven started to walk out. "Where are you going?"

"For a walk." He slammed the door on his way out. Connie stood up.

"Steven! Wait up!" She ran out as well.

Pearl sighed. "Not how I wanted this to go…"

"Pearl, please, you have to reconsider," Peridot pleaded. "You're not thinking rationally here! What if-?"

"Rose Quartz never asked 'what if'," Pearl cut her off, standing up. "If anybody needs me, I'll be in the temple." She walked over to the temple door and retreated into her room.

* * *

Steven marched angrily down the beachfront. Connie caught up to him. "Steven! Steven, what are we-"

"I don't know, Connie," Steven cut her off. "Do you remember when I said I was tired of all of the drama? THIS is what I was talking about. I'm tired of stuff like THIS happening. And it's, like, once a week with this stuff! Or once a month, or five days in a row, or WHATEVER my schedule is now! But this? This is worse than everything else combined! We—Crystal Gems—we crossed a line you just don't cross today! The Crystal Gems aren't supposed to get involved in human affairs. So why are we declaring WAR on them?!"

Connie crossed her arms. "You're saying 'we'. Like WE'RE the ones doing this."

"Well, we're Crystal Gems, aren't we?!" Steven asked. He groaned and sat down. "I always thought the Crystal Gems were the good guys. But good guys don't declare wars."

"If the Crystal Gems aren't the good guys anymore…" Connie thought aloud, "...what does that make us?"

Steven paused for a beat. Finally, he responded, "The good guys."

"What?"

* * *

That night, while the Crystal Gems were off doing who-cares-what, Steven snuck back into the temple and grabbed his cheeseburger backpack. He began stuffing it with everything he needed, snacks, toiletries, comic books… he was gonna be gone a while.

"So, we're really doing this, huh?" Connie asked.

"I'm not going to ask you to come with me."

"I know you're not, but I'm coming anyway."

Steven smiled at her. Once they were ready, they made their way towards the door. Steven was stopped, however, by a voice in the shadows. "Going somewhere?" the voice asked. Steven turned around as Amethyst, Peridot, and Lapis stepped into the light. "You're leaving?" Amethyst asked, crossing her arms.

"I'm not going to stick around to support a war I don't believe in," Steven replied. "You guys are gonna try and stop me, aren't you?"

"Helllll no!" Amethyst denied. "I don't believe in this war either. Which is why I'm coming with you."

"As am I," Peridot added. "I thought this crusade was asinine from the very beginning."

Peridot and Amethyst walked over to join Steven and Connie. Lapis frowned. "Wait, you're leaving?" she asked. Peridot sighed.

"I can't just sit around and watch this happen," Peridot responded. "I don't know where my place is on this Earth, but it certainly isn't alongside a warmonger."

Lapis nodded. "I… see."

"You probably don't want to get caught up in this," the green Gem continued. "Which is why I won't ask you to come with us. I'm sorry, Lapis. I guess… this time, it's me who's leaving."

Lapis rolled her eyes. "I'm coming with you too, you dork."

"You are?"

"Yes, of course I am. I'm not loyal to the Crystal Gems, I'm loyal to YOU."

Peridot smiled up at her. This was the Gem she was going to spend eternity with. She knew it.

With that Steven nodded. "Alright, then, is everyone ready? Any second thoughts? No? Let's go."

The group began their self-imposed exile by stepping outside. Amethyst looked up at the night sky. "Where are we going to go?" she asked.

"I'm not sure," Steven admitted. "We're just going to keep going."

The group started walking. Even though they started their journey pretty confidently, it wasn't long before they were all bummed out again. They were abandoning their home. That's not a happy occasion, at least it wasn't to them.

"Man… this sucks…" Amethyst muttered.

"Look on the bright side!" Peridot replied.

"What bright side?"

"I don't know, I was hoping you would be able to find one."

As they left Beach City's limits, a short, sad song came to Steven's mind. _"We…_ were _the Crystal Gems…_

 _"We used to save the day.  
_ _"But that's all over now,  
_ _"I wish there was another way."_

 _"But all the people of this world  
_ _"Can still count on-"_

 _"Lapis."_

 _"Peridot."_

 _"Amethyst."_

 _"And Steven…"_

But could the world count on them anymore? They weren't entirely sure they believed what they were saying.


	12. Chapter 12: Crystal Renegades

**A/N: As I was finishing this chapter, the actual President of the United States had a rather contentious meeting with the actual Prime Minister of Canada, the details of which vary depending on who you ask. Go figure.**

* * *

 _I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time._

Peridot jolted awake as the public bus she was riding in hit a pothole. Yawning, she looked over at Lapis, who was just waking up herself.

" _No belonging anywhere,"_ they sang.  
" _Loneliness and degradation."_

 _I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna take my woes with me._

Steven looked out the window and watched as the bus passed several houses.

" _On the run for several nights,  
_ " _People spouting 'where are your parents?'"_

 _Heading out to South Park, 'cause I can not unwind._

Amethyst, who was swiping through images on her phone, glared at a photo of Pearl.

" _Someday you'll know the pain you've caused,  
_ " _Innocent lives and collateral loss."_

The bus came to a stop on top of a hill, where the runaways stepped out and stared out at the town. Steven noticed a sign next to them, bearing the town's name.

 _So I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna stop this war in time!_

Connie looked over at Steven. "Why did we come here?" she asked.

"Kyle said something about this happening before," Steven responded. "Maybe he'll know how to fix this mess."

Peridot frowned, and pointed out several helicopters flying over the town. "Were those here last time?"

Steven stared up at the helicopters, then glanced back down at the town. He hadn't noticed it before, but there appeared to be a military camp just outside of town, with trucks moving in and out. "There must be a military base nearby…" he muttered. "Come on. Let's go find Kyle."

The group walked into town, passing several depressed-looking townspeople on their way in. They stopped near a parked car which had its radio on.

"...what started as a border skirmish between the US and Canada is quickly escalating into World War III," the reporter on the radio said. "Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced that the Russian Armed Forces will be entering the war on the side of the Americans, and while Britain and France have declared a stance of neutrality, several in the media have pointed out their increased munitions sales to the Canadian government in recent days. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has expressed concern that the Canadians may get their hands on nuclear weaponry within the next year..."

"This is getting out of hand…" Steven said.

"In other news, pro-war support among American citizens has caused the President's approval rating to rise to a whopping 60%, the highest it's ever been."

Peridot smiled. "Well, hey, there's some good news!" Everyone glared at her. "Uh, I mean, oh no. War."

Steven shook his head. "Let's keep moving." The group continued to walk through South Park, eventually coming to 1002 Avenue de los Mexicanos, the Broflovski residence. Steven rang the doorbell. After a few seconds, a man, who Steven assumed to be Kyle's dad, opened the door. They could hear a woman crying from within the house.

"Oh, hi," the man said, sounding rather depressed. "Are you friends of Kyle?"

Steven peered into the living room, where Kyle's mother was weeping. "Uh… yeah, you could say that. Is… this a bad time?"

"Actually, yes, it is," the man responded. "After the war started, our adopted Canadian son was taken away to an internment camp. We tried to fight it, but the court won't hear our case, and we just… we don't know what to do."

"IKE!" the woman inside shouted, her cries becoming louder.

Steven frowned. "I'm… really sorry that happened to you."

Kyle came down the stairs. "Who's at the door?" he asked. Upon seeing it was Steven Universe and friends, he glared. "Ugh. What do _you_ want?"

"Kyle-"

"You told me that everything would be fine," Kyle continued. "But your stupid bitch space mom started that stupid god damn war and now my brother's in a Canadian internment camp."

Steven sighed. "Kyle, I'm really sorry. I didn't know Pearl would take this so far. I want to help you."

"I think you've 'helped' enough, Steven," Kyle said, before slamming the door.

"Who was that?" Gerald asked his son.

"Some asshole. Don't worry about it."

Steven sighed and sat down at the steps. "Great. He hates us."

"Didn't he say his brother was in an internment camp?" Connie asked. "Maybe that's that base we saw on the way in here."

Steven's eyes lit up. "Connie, you're right!" He got up and started knocking on the door again. Kyle opened it.

"What. Do you want."

"We want to help you rescue your brother!" Steven said. "He's being kept in the base outside of town, right?"

"I think so?"

"Great! Let's go!" Steven and friends started to walk off. Kyle, confused, followed him.

"Why are you helping me?" he asked. "Aren't the Crystal Gems the ones spearheading the war?"

"We aren't Crystal Gems anymore," Amethyst responded. "We split."

"Whoa, shit. So what are you guys now?"

"The good guys," Steven replied.

Kyle shook his head. "If you're going to be opposing the Crystal Gems, you need a group identity. Something that tells people you're serious and you're here to make a difference."

"We aren't 'opposing' the Crystal Gems," Peridot said, shaking her head. "We're conscientious objectors to what they're doing but we have no desire to fight them."

"Well, you don't have to fight them!" Kyle said. "You can undermine them in other ways. Like what we're doing right now."

"Look, let's just focus on getting your brother back," Steven said. "Then we can talk about how we're going to stop this war."

"Right."

The group approached the edge of the Park County Internment Camp, where hundreds of Canadians living in Colorado were being kept. Lapis flew above the camp to do a bit of reconnaissance, and though she was almost seen by a military helicopter that had been patrolling the area, she managed to get back on the ground safely.

"What did you see?" Kyle asked. "Is Ike in there?"

"You didn't tell me what Ike looked like," Lapis said. The group groaned. "Well tell me what he looks like now, I'll tell you what I saw."

"He's a little Canadian kid, with black hair, and freckles, and beady eyes and a flappy head. When they took him he was wearing a green t-shirt and—"

"Yeah, I saw him," Lapis interrupted. "He's in the southwest corner of the camp."

"Great!" Kyle said. "So, how are we going to get in there?"

Peridot smirked. "I think I have an idea."

Matt and Trey, two former K.U.N.T. soldiers who were now stationed at the Park County Internment Camp, stood in front of the heavily fortified gate with bored looks on their faces. Trey yawned.

"Why are we here?" he asked. "There's no need for us to be here. That gate is so tough, nothing's getting through it."

A third soldier, a woman named Rebecca, approached Matt and Trey. "Are you two slacking off again?" she asked. "Stand up straight."

"Hey, how's this for slacking off?" Matt asked. He farted, causing both himself and Trey to laugh.

"That's disgusting."

"Oh, what, and you think your jokes are any smarter?" Trey asked. "Go bother somebody else, Rebecca."

"Ugh." Rebecca turned back around and walked away.

Peridot and Lapis approached the wall. Following close behind them were Steven and Amethyst, who had used the magic of shape shifting to give themselves beady eyes and flappy heads, as well as Kyle and Connie. All but Peridot and Lapis were in zip ties. "I found more Canadians in South Park," Peridot said, glaring at her friends. "Those kids back there were hiding them."

"What you're doing is wrong!" Connie said.

Kyle glared at Peridot and Lapis. "Yeah, dude, you won't get away with this!"

"Let us go, uh, buddy!" Steven said, flapping his head—which was MUCH harder than it looked.

"Yeah! Let go of me, guy!" Amethyst yelled.

"Quiet, you!" Peridot spat. "Anyway, just thought I'd be a patriotic American and bring these traitors to you guys."

Matt shrugged. "Alright, you can go inside. Bring the kids in, too, so we can call their parents."

"Aw, man, I'm gonna get grounded for sure," Kyle said, faking a disappointed tone.

"Alright. We'll bring them in!" Peridot said. "Uh, no need to follow us inside, we'll figure out where to put them."

Lapis nodded. "Yeah. Don't follow us."

"Well, alright." Trey walked over and typed a code into the keypad.

Kyle whispered to Connie, "This is super weird. Matt kind of sounds like my dad, and Trey kind of sounds like Stan's dad."

"Whoa, freaky," Connie muttered.

Suddenly the doors slid open, and our heroes were allowed past the walls. "Neat!" Peridot said as she escorted her "prisoners" into the camp. "Alright, get moving, you treacherous Canadian scum! You make me sick, with your little beady eyes and your flappy-"

"Easy, Peridot," Steven muttered.

"Say, Lapis, where did you get these zip ties from, anyway?" Kyle whispered to Lapis, who shrugged.

"I wanted to try some new things with Peridot."

Once they were inside, and the doors were closed behind them, they gasped. Hundreds of Canadians were being kept here, packed together like cattle, simply because of where they were born. Steven tried to avert his eyes, and his mind; he didn't want to think about the fact that Pearl and Garnet were responsible for this travesty. He desperately hoped they weren't even aware of it. He wanted to believe they wouldn't intentionally do something like this. The sea of Canadians stared at Steven and gang and erupted in a simultaneous "How's it going, buddy?"

"Okay, let's get to finding Ike," Kyle said.

"We have to help these Canadians," Connie said, astonished at the conditions they were being kept in. "We can't just do NOTHING. We have to do SOMETHING."

"Sure, we can help these guys," Kyle replied, "but what about the others?"

"Others?"

"There are camps like this all over the country!" Kyle reasoned. "We can't go to ALL of them. And even if we could, Steven's stupid bitch lesbian space moms would catch on and stop us."

Connie looked back over at the half-Gem in question. "Steven?"

"We're going to rescue Kyle's brother," he said. "That's our mission right now. After that, we can regroup and figure out what we're doing next."

"But-!"

"We have to plan our moves. Yes, the end goal should be to free all of the Canadians and end this war. But we need to know HOW we're going to accomplish that before we get started." Steven looked around. "Do you see your brother, Kyle?"

"Ike!" Kyle yelled. "Ike, are you in here?" The group pushed past the Canadian crowd, looking for Ike. "Iiiike! Ike?"

"Blue skidoo!" Kyle could hear his brother from within the crowd.

"Ike!" Kyle ran to a corner of the crowd, where he saw Ike, cowering. "Ike! Thank god, you're okay!"

Ike smiled—or, at least, Steven thinks he did, as much as someone with a flappy head could smile—and ran into Kyle's open arms. They embraced for a moment, but when Ike opened his eyes and saw the others, he glared. "Crystal Bastard!" Ike yelled.

"Excuse me?" Peridot asked, slightly offended.

"Eat shit and die, you Crystal Fucks!"

Connie and Steven were taken aback by the toddler's foul language, but Amethyst burst out into laughter. "Oh my god, who taught your brother to talk like that?!" she said, struggling to breathe. "He's like, what, three?"

"You'll… have to excuse my brother," Kyle said, slightly embarrassed. "He's very loyal to Canada, so… I mean, the Crystal Gems DID start this war, so he kind of just wants all of you to die horrible, painful deaths."

"That's fair," Lapis said, staring blankly. "...wait, no it's not, I'm not even a Crystal Gem, Peridot is."

Steven sighed. "Ike… I'm sorry for what Pearl and Garnet are doing to you and your people. I promise, if they knew the pain they were causing, they wouldn't be doing it. But they're not thinking about this clearly. They just-"

"Stop making excuses, you fat fuck!" Ike shouted, his childlike voice still getting a few laughs out of Amethyst. "Don't say you're sorry! Fix it!"

Steven, though slightly annoyed at having been called a fat fuck, knew Ike was right. He was fat. He was also right in that Steven was just making excuses and apologizing, when he should be taking action. The Crystal Gems were doing more harm than good, and as a Crystal Gem, it would've been his job to put a stop to that.

It still WAS his job, he realized. Even if he'd renounced his membership, it was still his responsibility to fix the mess his former allies had caused, and maybe even knock some sense into them.

He may not have been a Crystal Gem anymore, but he was still the good guy. Of all the things he doubted, this was not one of them. Steven was the good guy. The hero. The protagonist of this story. A determined look appeared on his face as he looked back down at Ike.

"Ike Broflovski," he began, "you have my word. We're going to put a stop to this. To everything. The Crystal Gems are my friends, my family, and I don't expect them to be flawless, but this time, they've stepped out of line. We are GOING to end this war, and we are GOING to bring Garnet and Pearl back to their senses."

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "How are we going to do that?"

"I don't know yet," Steven admitted. "But we'll find a way!"

Connie smiled. "Yeah! We don't give up, now matter how tough things get!"

"Yeah!" Amethyst cheered.

"Yeah!" Lapis and Peridot joined in.

"Come on, guys," Steven said, waving his friends forward. "Let's get back to South Park and make a plan!"

Peridot put an arm in front of Steven and prevented him from moving forward. "Do you know how suspicious the guards would get if we just WALTZED right out?" she asked. "No, we need to find another way out."

"I could fly us over the wall!" Lapis offered.

"No, then the helicopters would see us for sure," Peridot dismissed. "Simply scaling the wall would be safer, but still risky. And I imagine Ike can't scale over by himself."

Kyle snapped. "I have an idea."

* * *

Once Kyle's plan had been explained, Lapis made her way to Stark's Pond. Once there, she began to channel thousands of gallons of water from within the pond, creating a large, watery tower which mimicked the shape of and mirrored the movements of her left hand. The water hand was tall enough that it could be seen from miles away, which is exactly what she needed.

Miles away, in a military helicopter that had been hovering over the Park County Internment Camp, Lt. Kobe and his co-pilot, A Total Red Shirt, saw the water hand rise in the distance. "What the fuck?" Kobe muttered. "Hey, Red Shirt, do you see that?"

"Hey, yeah. What is that?"

Suddenly, the hand began to move and shift. The pilots watched in awe as the figure slowly maneuvered itself and changed its form. Three fingers and a thumb moved themselves down, and the figure turned around to reveal… a giant middle finger.

Kobe glared. "Well, whatever it is, it's calling us out! Calling all units, this is Black Hawk SU-3. Report to Stark's Pond, immediately! Fuckin' bitch won't get away with this…"

Amethyst watched from atop the wall as every helicopter in the area flew towards Stark's Pond. "Alright, we have five minutes!" she yelled.

Kyle nodded, and grinned down at his brother. "Okay, Ike. Kick the baby!"

"Don't kick the motherfucking baby…" Ike groaned.

"Kick the baby!" Getting a running start, Kyle punted Ike as hard as he could, sending him upwards.

Steven jumped, caught the toddler in midair, and began to think happy thoughts. Gravity soon became irrelevant as Steven and Ike continued to soar into the air. Once over the wall, Steven allowed gravity to control his flight once more, and he landed on the ground below, baby safely in his arms.

Amethyst helped Kyle and Connie over the wall by extending her arms to be super long, which sort of grossed Kyle out. Peridot floated over the wall on a trash can lid, and the four rejoined Steven and Ike. Kyle was relieved to see Ike was safe and sound as Steven put the baby down, while Peridot spoke into her phone.

"Alright, Lapis, we're over the wall," she said. "Meet us back in South Park."

"Got it," Lapis replied. In the distance, the group could see the giant middle finger disappear, confusing the helicopter pilots that had been flying towards it.

"Alright, let's get out of here!" Kyle said. The group ran back towards town, running right past Trey, Matt, and Rebecca, who were blissfully unaware that they'd been duped.

* * *

The entire town of South Park had gathered in the local church, praying for a quick end to the Second Canadian-American War. Even the Broflovskis, South Park's only Jewish family, were there. As memories of the first war flooded back into Sheila's mind, she wept, both missing her Canadian son and wondering if her selfish actions so many years ago had inspired such a pointless crusade.

Priest Maxi stood at the altar. He took a deep breath and addressed the town. "Welcome. In recent years, we have treated the house of god merely as a place of worship; a place where I can read to you the same six bible verses over, and over, and over again; and, unfortunately, a place where we have taught division over unity.

"Today, however, I would like to return this building to its original purpose. The Church of South Park started as a place of gathering. A place of community. A place of togetherness." Maxi glanced over at the troubled Hebrew family. "With us, today, are our friends and neighbors, the Broflovskis, whose adopted Canadian son was taken from them by the military. Although they did no wrong, they have been punished as though they had. Their troubles are, of course, one of the many terrible side effects that are to come from this unjust war with our neighbors to the north.

"I'm going to ask that you all join me in sending the Broflovskis our thoughts and prayers, in the hopes that one of those thoughts or one of those prayers will somehow carry the power to bring Ike Broflovski back to his home."

The entire town began to recite a prayer. "O, lord. Please hear our thoughts and prayers," they said. "Please accept our thoughts and our prayers in place of us actually going out and doing something, like lobbying our senators, or participating in the community. Please understand that while we would love to go out and prevent a war, or protect a small child from being maimed or murdered, we cannot practically do that ourselves or convince others that they should do so, so we rely on you for guidance and-"

The church doors opened. PC Principal walked in. "Are you all fucking SERIOUS?!" he yelled, glaring at the townspeople. "THIS is how you're going to solve this crisis?! By sending your thoughts and prayers?! What the fuck is that gonna do?!" He waited for an answer, but he didn't get one. "Well while you bunch of Pussy Rubios have been sitting here 'praying' for the safe return of one of South Park Elementary's brightest students, THESE CHILDREN went out and actually got something fucking done! How does that feel, you guys? ACTUAL CHILDREN are better at fixing your bullshit than the fucking adults are."

PC Principal stepped aside, allowing in Kyle, Steven, Amethyst, Connie, Peridot, Lapis, and finally, Ike to step in. Sheila and Gerald stood up, gasping in surprise.

"Ike!" Sheila yelled, getting up and running towards her baby. "Oh, Ike, I'm so glad you're safe!" She hugged her son tightly.

Father Maxi smiled. "Hey, look, everyone! Our thoughts and prayers worked!"

Sheila glanced over at her biological son. "Kyle, did- did you do this?"

Kyle shrugged. "Well, actually, I had a bit of help from these guys," he said, gesturing to Steven and his friends. "They're the ones who decided to take action and help me rescue Ike."

Gerald looked at the others curiously. "Who are you?"

"We're the Crystal Gems!" Steven exclaimed. To his surprise, although, perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised, his proclamation was met with hisses and boos from literally everyone in attendance.

"Sheesh. Tough crowd," Amethyst muttered.

"The Crystal Gems?" Stephen Stotch asked, standing up. "Well, they're the ones who started this mess in the first place! Fuck those guys!"

Everyone else seemed to agree. "Yeah! Rabble rabble rabble-"

"Wait, wait!" Steven tried to sedate the crowd, moving up to the front of the church as he held his hands up. "I misspoke. We WERE the Crystal Gems. Now we just… kind of do our own thing. And… I get it. Your grievances are TOTALLY fair, the Crystal Gems have WAY overstepped their bounds. But… just hear us out, okay? I know you all have a lot of problems with what Pearl

and Garnet are doing right now—"

"Well, WE don't!" one man said from the crowd. Bob White stood up and gestured to his wife and two children. "The WHITES are just fine with what the Crystal Gems are doing! They've never done wrong by the Whites!"

Randy Marsh groaned from across the aisle. "Ugh, Bob, come on, not now."

"No! The voices of the Whites have been stifled long enough in South Park!" Bob yelled. "The Crystal Gems are making this country safe again!"

"Bob, they're putting Canadians in gulags," Randy responded, rolling his eyes.

"So? And you think, if Hillary Clinton were President right now, SHE wouldn't be putting Canadians in gulags? Hillary would've done that and more! But nobody ever thinks about how much worse HILLARY would have been."

Randy pinched his nose bridge. "Jesus Christ, Bob…"

"I'm JUST saying!"

"And WE'RE just saying, Hillary Clinton isn't the President right now," Randy argued, glaring at Bob. "This isn't about her, quit bringing up shit that's not relevant."

Steven shook his head. "Okay, well, I know the vast majority of you have a problem with what the Crystal-"

"And that's another thing!" Bob said, standing up again. "The Whites are becoming a minority in South Park! The Whites helped FOUND South Park, my great grandparents lived here, and now we're a minority voice! It seems to me like there's some kind of White genocide going on here!"

(Kyle and Connie shot each other half-lidded looks upon hearing this statement.)

Steven stared at Mr. White. "Do you have anything else to add?" he asked.

"I'm… no, I don't."

"Okay, great. So, MOST of you have a problem with what the Crystal Gems are doing," Steven continued. "Uh, excluding the Whites, of course. That's great, because so do we. We LEFT the Crystal Gems because we didn't like what they were doing. I know that you guys are all upset, and you have every right to be. Maybe some of this is my fault. So if it is, I'm sorry. I really am. But we have a plan!"

PC Principal walked to the front of the room and stood next to Steven. "Alright everyone, listen up," he said. "The longer this war goes on, the higher the death toll gets and the more we risk destroying our planet. It's clear that the Crystal Gems and the President need to be stopped."

Randy stood up. "Well, OBVIOUSLY," he said. "But what are WE supposed to do?"

"We can undermine them from behind the scenes," PC Principal responded. "Hello? Everyone? Have you all forgotten? South Park is woke AF now. Okay? We have our third eye open. In the face of adversity, our PC is stronger than ever. La Resistance lives on."

"La Resistance?" Mayor McDaniels asked, standing up. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"There are internment camps all across the nation illegally holding Canadians," PC Principal explained. "Mayor, what I'm asking of you is to embrace your inner PC, and turn South Park into a Sanctuary City, to keep these Canadians safe from government oppression."

Steven nodded. "Me and the rest of the former Crystal Gems are going to start going around to as many of the camps as we can and freeing the Canadians imprisoned there. While we're doing that, we're going to figure out how else we can undermine the war effort."

"We have to remember, it's the PEOPLE who give the government power," PC Principal added. "If we don't cooperate, they'll have to take their attention away from the war."

The Mayor smiled. "Hey, yeah! A Sanctuary City! We'll make tons of money from all of the Canadians who'll have to come live here!"

Steven frowned. "Uh- that- that wasn't really the point, but okay, sure. So, who's with me?"

Everyone in town (except the Whites) cheered for Steven and PC Principal's plan.

"Great!" Steven started to walk out. "We have work to do."

"Hey, wait up," Stan Marsh said, stepping out into the aisle to follow Steven. Kenny and Cartman joined as well. "We want to help."

Steven smiled as Butters and several other kids he didn't know joined. "I knew I could count on you guys!"

Tweek twitched. "Ack! The Crystal Gems need to be stopped, man!"

"Yeah, they're being bitches," Craig affirmed. "We want to help too."

"But if we're gonna go around doing this shit, we need to come up with a kickass name," Stan said. "La Resistance is SO late 90s."

Kyle snapped his fingers. "How about the 'Crystal Renegades'?"

Peridot smiled. "I like the sound of that."

"Yeah!" Amethyst agreed. "That name totally sounds like we're ready to kick ass!"

The kids all thought the name was a good idea. "So it's agreed!" Steven laughed. "Team—welcome to the Crystal Renegades!" Everyone put their hands in. "For justice!" they all cheered together.

* * *

The President met with several of his aides and cabinet members on the war strategy. The dominator of the meeting, however, was Pearl.

"We need to stop sending our troops into Ottawa," she said. Garrison raised his eyebrow.

"What? Why? That's their capital."

"Do you REALLY think they're stupid enough to maintain their government this close to the border during a war?" Pearl asked. "No, they've likely moved their capital. We need to begin looking at other targets."

An aide entered the room. "Ms. Pearl, somebody is on the phone for you."

"Who?"

"They wouldn't say. They only said that they have information that is PERTINENT to the war effort."

Pearl raised an eyebrow and picked up the nearby landline. "This is Pearl."

"You really need to get your people under control," the voice said.

"Who is this?"

"That doesn't matter. There's a group within the United States looking to undermine your work. They're calling themselves the 'Crystal Renegades', or something. It's a pretty big deal. If you want this war to go smoothly, you better start looking into that. Be sure to thank the Whites when you win." They hung up. Pearl stared at the receiver, confused.

"Who was it?" Garrison asked.

"I don't know… all he said was to… 'thank the Whites'."

Garrison sighed. "Thank god for the Whites," he muttered. "What did he say?"

"There's a group of rebels in the country. But that's not a problem."

"How is that not a problem?"

Pearl smiled. "We've brought in somebody who knows how to win wars. She'll put a stop to any sabotage attempts before they begin." She called out to the next room. "You can come in now… Bismuth."

Bismuth entered the room, grinning. She leaned against the wall and stared at the others in the room. "Great to be back," she said.

CLASSi looked up from filing her nails. "Ohh, shit, we're about to get real up in this bitch," she muttered.

* * *

It was Satan's turn to wash the dishes, and he was a DAMN good dishwasher. Steve walked in and kissed his boyfriend on the cheek. "Hey, babe, the mail came in. This is yours," he said as he handed Satan a letter.

"Oh, is this the list of damned souls for March?" Satan asked. "Thank you, Steve." Putting down the dishes, he opened the letter and read the list. He frowned. This couldn't be right. Right at the top of the list was a name he didn't think he was going to see on there any time soon.

 _Lapis Lazuli, Facet 6G9L, Cut-7MC._

"Ohhh, shit."


	13. Intermission

**A/N: This was supposed to be Chapter 13, but I couldn't figure out much beyond the initial premise. Instead of ditching it entirely, I decided to just post it here as a short intermission. As a result of the lost time I spent writing this one, Chapter 13 is slightly shorter than usual. Sorry about that!**

* * *

Bismuth stabbed a steak knife directly into the table below her. Between the knife and the table was a map of the United States. The knife had been sunk into the area of the map where one could find Empire City. "The Renegades were there…" she muttered. "How has nobody caught them yet?"

"More importantly, how were they able to free all of those Canadians without anyone even identifying WHO they were?" President Garrison asked.

Pearl crossed her arms and glared at the President. "You never told me you'd be imprisoning all of the Canadian-Americans."

Garrison shrugged. "Hey, waging war is a dirty line of work."

"Yes but the goal is to teach the Canadian GOVERNMENT a lesson," Pearl said. "That's why I've ordered your military to only attack MILITARY targets."

"Hmmmm…" Bismuth hummed. "There's an internment camp in Beach City, isn't there?"

"Well, yeah, of course there is," Garrison answered. "Why?"

"Garnet, Pearl, come with me," Bismuth said. "The Renegades are BOUND to show up at the Beach City camp. We can stop them." Bismuth did a quick headcount. "...hey, wait, I haven't seen Amethyst since I was released."

Pearl nodded. "Yes, I sent her into town to put up posters to promote the war effort."

Bismuth blinked. "How long ago was this?"

"About three weeks."

"And she's not back yet."

"Yes, well-" Pearl stopped. "She… huh."

Garnet hummed and put a finger to her chin. "I haven't seen Lapis or Peridot lately, either."

Bismuth realized something. "Have you seen Rose Quartz since the war began?"

Pearl shook her head. "Steven? My goodness, no, I didn't feel it would be right to force him to participate in this."

"So let me get this straight," Bismuth said, things beginning to click in her mind. "You haven't seen more than half of your allies since the war began. You previously told me that Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven have ALL voiced objections to this war. A mysterious group calling themselves the 'Crystal Renegades' has been going around and sabotaging our efforts, in ways that ONLY other Gems could do so. And it still hasn't clicked for you just WHO those Renegades are?"

Pearl shook her head. "No, and I also don't see how any of what you're saying is related."

A White House aide entered the room. "Mr. President, the Attorney General would like to have a word with you."

Garrison stood up. "I gotta take this, you guys." The Commander-in-Chief walked out into the halls, where Jeff Sessions' gnome-looking ass was waiting, a worried look on his face. God, the President hated him. "What's up, you dopey Snow White-looking dumb shit?"

Sessions sighed. "Mr. President, there's a bit of a situation going on in Colorado."

"What kind of situation?"

"We found all of the missing Canadians."

Garrison smiled. "Well great! Send in our troops and round them all up."

"It's not that simple, sir," Sessions replied. "You see, Colorado recently enacted Sanctuary City laws, and the Canadians appear to be hiding out in South Park, which is a Sanctuary City."

"What the hell is a 'Sanctuary City'?"

"Okay, so, you know how the Republicans keep championing 'states rights'," Sessions said, utilizing air quotes.

"Yeah?"

"Sanctuary Cities are what happens when the Democrats decide to start championing states rights. The local authorities are arguing that their laws basically allow them to refuse cooperation with federal authorities, using your own rhetoric to do so. They also require employers to notify immigrant employees well in advance if there is to be an inspection by Border Patrol, and the local police are also powerless. The Canadians will be safe in South Park indefinitely."

Garrison furrowed his brow. "Oh, jeez. So what do we do about that?"

"Well, we can't send the military in to put them down, as that would make us look like assholes," Sessions explained. "What we can do, however, is settle this in a more… civil manner."

* * *

A stack of legal papers was slapped onto Mayor McDaniels' desk. She raised an eyebrow and picked up the first paper in the stack. "What the hell is this?" she asked the suited man in front of her.

"This is a LAWSUIT!" the man yelled. "If you're going to ignore the federal government, WE'RE going to SUE the pants off of you!"

The Mayor sighed. "Doesn't the administration have anything better to do than sue pissant mountain towns for being progressive?"

"No, we do not!" the man said. "We'll be seeing you in court!" He marched out of the office, slamming the door on his way out.

"Johnson, get Gerald Broflovski on the phone," the Mayor said, pinning a small, star-shaped pin to her lapel. "The Crystal Renegades are NOT going down without a fight."

Mayor McDaniels met with Gerald Broflovski, South Park's most well-known lawyer, to discuss the impending lawsuit from the Garrison administration. "Now, Mr. Broflovski, as I'm sure you've been told, we're in quite the pickle here. The government is suing us and we simply don't HAVE the legal defense team to make a case against the President's cronies."

Gerald shook his head. "I wouldn't worry about that, Mayor. South Park falls in the jurisdiction of a fairly… shall we say, 'resistance friendly' court district. These judges are the same ones that struck down the President's executive order that allows him to 'fuck them all to death'."

"Oh. Well, that's good."

Suddenly, an angry-looking forty-year-old woman in a gawdy outfit and long, greasy black hair barged into the room. Following her was several of South Park's resident rednecks. "What the FUCK are you doing?!" she asked.

The Mayor blinked. "Who is this?"

"Dana Loesch, NRA spokeswoman," the woman greeted, taking a seat next to Gerald. "I heard that South Park just passed a law that raises the minimum gun-purchase age to 21 years old. How the FUCK do you explain that BLATANT, UNCONSTITUTIONAL disregard for the rights of citizens?!"

"Yeah!" one of the rednecks, Darryl, who sported long red hair and a long mustache, shouted. "It's unconstitutional!"

Gerald raised an eyebrow. "Darryl, you're 42."

"Yeah, but- but what if I wasn't?"

"But you ARE!"

"But what if I WASN'T?!"

"That's irrelevant!" Dana interrupted. "It is UNCONSTITUTIONAL to restrict the rights of law-abiding citizens based on their age. On behalf of Americans everywhere, we're SUING you!"

The Mayor glared. "Now hold on a minute, that isn't fair! The government restricts the right to purchase and consume alcohol based on age."

"Well, yeah, but that's, like, constitutional."

"No it's not. It has NOTHING to do with the constitution."

Dana looked a little puzzled. "It… doesn't?"

"No!" The Mayor explained. "The constitution doesn't say anything about the drinking age. It was raised from 18 to 21 in 1984 by a bill passed by Congress and signed into law by President Ronald Reagan."

Suddenly, a white-haired man in a suit and tie barged into the room. "You! What the FUCK do you think you're doing?!"

"Jesus Christ, what now?" the Mayor groaned.

"Pete Coors, Chairman of the MillerCoors brewing company!" the man said, sitting down next to Dana and Gerald. "We're suing you for unconstitutional age discrimination!"

The Mayor put her face in her hands. "So what you're telling me is that I now have THREE different lawsuits on my hands? What's next, the Department of Motor Vehicles?"

An older African-American woman barged into the room. "I heard that South Park restricts the right to drive based on age."

The Mayor slammed her own face onto the desk.


	14. Chapter 13: Monster Mash

**A/N: This chapter is slightly shorter than usual, because I spent about three days writing an entirely different chapter before ditching it. The one I ditched got uploaded as an intermission, so read that if you haven't already.**

* * *

"BREAKING NEWS!"

Previously incarcerated news anchor Tim Hairpiece shuffled his notes and stared at the camera. "As we enter the third week of the Canadian-American War, confusion strikes on the east coast as several internment camps designed to hold Canadian nationals for the duration of the war appear to have somehow LOST their prisoners. On the scene of a recent case in Empire City is A Midget Wearing a Pair of Cowboy Boots."

The Midget Wearing a Pair of Cowboy Boots (as well as a bikini) stood in front of a Canadian internment camp just outside of Empire City. Behind him, one could see several police cars and confused members of the US military. "Tim, behind me is the Empire City Internment Camp, where several THOUSAND Canadian prisoners appear to have disappeared overnight. General Cock McNuggets, the commander of the armed forces in Empire City, says he has 'no idea' how this could have happened."

The footage cut to earlier in the day, when General Cock McNuggets was interviewed. "We have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on," he said. "We believe this to be a deliberate act of sabotage conducted by Canadian agents acting on US soil."

The footage cut back to the Midget. "Authorities are still unsure on just HOW more than three thousand Canadians can just go missing unnoticed, but an investigation has been opened up into this incident and several like it across the United States."

Tim nodded. "Thanks, Midget. It seems the question still remains; just WHO is responsible for these attacks?"

* * *

Sharon Marsh yawned as she walked down the stairs. Her morning was just beginning, and she needed a cup of coffee. As she made her way towards the kitchen, she walked past her husband and the fully-grown lion in her living room. "Good morning, Randy," she muttered groggily.

"Mornin' Sharon," Randy said, not looking up from the TV.

Sharon stopped. Something wasn't right. She turned around.

A fully grown lion was lying on her living room floor. And Randy was just casually sitting next to it.

"Randy."

"Yeah, Sharon?"

"Is that a lion?"

Randy glanced at the lion. "Yeah, it's Steven Universe's pet."

"He has a pet lion."

"Yeah, it used to be his mom's or something."

Sharon blinked and stared at Lion for a bit, before shaking her head and walking back into the kitchen. It was too early for this.

After Sharon left, one of Lion's ears twitched. He glanced up, confused at first, before realizing he was being called. Yawning, he summoned a portal in front of him and disappeared into it—all of this absolutely failed to faze Randy, who took a sip of his gluten-free beer. A few seconds later, Lion returned, carrying the Crystal Renegades. Steven spoke into Lion's mane.

"Ok, you guys can come out, now!"

Hundreds of Canadians poured out of Lion's mane, one after the other in a line, each one gasping for breath as they ran out.

"Thanks, buddy!"

"Appreciate it, guy!"

*fart*

"Thanks a lot, friend!"

Once the Canadians were gone, the group hopped off of Lion. Stan walked over to the TV to look at the news report—they were talking about the internment camp that the Renegades had JUST gotten done breaking into. He smirked.

"Hey guys, we made the news!"

Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle approached the TV. "Hah! And they don't even know we're the ones who did it!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Kickass," Cartman said, smiling.

Steven brushed cat hair off of his shirt as he joined the boys. "Well, gang, I'M going to call that one a successful mission."

"Indeed!" Peridot confirmed. "Our tactical abilities are FAR superior to the military's. The Crystal Gems don't stand a chance!"

Amethyst blew raspberries at the TV. "Suck it, P! Get better security next time!"

"So, what's next on the agenda?" Connie asked. "There's still a war happening, so we can't afford to get to cocky with our successes!"

"Connie's right, this is only the beginning!" Steven exclaimed. "Our next plan of action is sort of risky."

"What is it?" Butters asked, tilting his head.

"We need to head back to Beach City," Amethyst explained. "OBVIOUSLY, that's deep into enemy territory, but there are a few Gems that have been bubbled at our temple that we need to release."

Peridot winced. "Ugh, we're not freeing that other Peridot, are we?"

"Who, Squaridot?" Steven asked. He thought about it for a moment. "Well, we could…"

"But FIRST, our priority is Granite, Citrine, and Canadian Pearl," Amethyst said. "They're older Crystal Gems that Pearl decided to keep bubbled. We need to free them."

Randy, having only just tuned into the conversation, stared at the Renegades. "Whoa, wait, you guys aren't heading into Beach City, are you?"

"We have to," Steven said. "We have to free those Gems."

Randy sighed. "Be careful. If Pearl catches you, who knows what she'll do?"

Stan rolled his eyes. "Come on, dad. Like she's ACTUALLY gonna lay a finger on us."

* * *

Bismuth stabbed a steak knife directly into the table below her. Between the knife and the table was a map of the United States. The knife had been sunk into the area of the map where one could find Empire City. "The Renegades were there…" she muttered. "How has nobody caught them yet?"

"More importantly, how were they able to free all of those Canadians without anyone even identifying WHO they were?" President Garrison asked.

Pearl crossed her arms and glared at the President. "You never told me you'd be imprisoning all of the Canadian-Americans."

Garrison shrugged. "Hey, waging war is a dirty line of work."

"Yes but the goal is to teach the Canadian GOVERNMENT a lesson," Pearl said. "That's why I've ordered your military to only attack MILITARY targets."

"Hmmmm…" Bismuth hummed. "There's an internment camp in Beach City, isn't there?"

"Well, yeah, of course there is," Garrison answered. "Why?"

"Garnet, Pearl, come with me," Bismuth said. "The Renegades are BOUND to show up at the Beach City camp. We can stop them." Bismuth did a quick headcount. "...hey, wait, I haven't seen Amethyst since I was released."

Pearl nodded. "Yes, I sent her into town to put up posters to promote the war effort."

Bismuth blinked. "How long ago was this?"

"About three weeks."

"And she's not back yet."

"Yes, well-" Pearl stopped. "She… huh."

Garnet hummed and put a finger to her chin. "I haven't seen Lapis or Peridot lately, either."

Bismuth realized something. "Have you seen Rose Quartz since the war began?"

Pearl shook her head. "Steven? My goodness, no, I didn't feel it would be right to force him to participate in this."

"So let me get this straight," Bismuth said, things beginning to click in her mind. "You haven't seen more than half of your allies since the war began. You previously told me that Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven have ALL voiced objections to this war. A mysterious group calling themselves the 'Crystal Renegades' has been going around and sabotaging our efforts, in ways that ONLY other Gems could do so. And it still hasn't clicked for you just WHO those Renegades are?"

Pearl shook her head. "No, and I also don't see how any of what you're saying is related."

A White House aide entered the room. "Mr. President, the Attorney General would like to have a word with you."

Garrison stood up. "I gotta take this, you guys."

* * *

The Crystal Renegades approached the Beach City limits, decked out in their new uniforms, which consisted of new outfits with upside down, hollowed out, five-pointed stars on the front. Steven and Connie each had a large one on the front of their shirts. Peridot wore a new, long-sleeve jumpsuit with a star on each of her knees and elbows. Lapis got a new dress, which was a darker blue than her old one and stretched a black star across her chest, while Amethyst just drew a black star on her white t-shirt with a sharpie, because she was lazy.

Joining that group was Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman, all of whom similarly wore stars. Everybody wore earpieces as Ike coordinated the mission over Discord. Butters, who designed most of the outfits with Wendy and Tweek, stayed behind, as did various other children of South Park, all of whom pledged to help stop the war in some way.

Steven looked up into the sky. Just like back in South Park, several military helicopters hovered over Beach City. He frowned. "This isn't Beach City, this is a war zone…" he muttered.

"Gee, be careful, fellas!" Butters warned over the earpiece.

"You have to get in and get out, don't get distracted by anything!" said Wendy.

Kyle nodded. "Ike. Do you have the aerial photos pulled up?"

"Cookie Monster!" Ike exclaimed. That meant "yes".

Peridot shot Kyle a confused look. "I thought your brother was an underdeveloped human infant. How is he doing all of this?"

"Ike's a genius, dude. I think his mom listened to jazz or something while she was pregnant."

"I thought he was adopted?" Lapis asked, tilting her head.

"Well he still had to come from SOMEWHERE," Steven said.

"He did? I thought the point of adoption was you don't have to be born."

Peridot hummed. "Hmmm. We may need to rethink some of our plans for the future…"

Steven's eyes widened. "Whoa, what?!"

Kyle shook his head. "No, no, the point of adoption is you don't have to GIVE birth. The baby is still BORN."

"But then where does it come from?" Lapis asked.

"It comes from somebody else."

This confused Peridot even more. "Wait, but then doesn't the baby belong to the other person?"

"No, they don't want it," Cartman clarified.

Lapis frowned. "Wow, that's really sad. Can you tell Ike I'm sorry he's not wanted?"

"No, he's-" Kyle pinched his nose bridge, as Stan would have. "Sometimes there are people who can't raise children, because they can't afford it, or something. When you adopt, you're bringing that child to a loving home where they actually ARE wanted."

Peridot smiled. "Oh, well why didn't you say that before?"

"Are you guys planning to-?" Steven began to ask, but his thought was interrupted by Craig, who spoke over the earpiece.

"Can you guys focus on the mission?" he said. "This conversation is boring the fuck out of me."

Steven snapped back to attention. "Right! We have a job to do, you guys. Let's go!"

As the group marched into Beach City, Cartman started whining. "You know, none of this would have happened if Bird Mom wasn't such a huge fuckin' bitch."

Steven glared back at Cartman. "Don't call Pearl a bitch, Eric."

"Oh, I'm sorry, she's being totally fuckin' reasonable right now," Cartman said, rolling his eyes. "You know, Pearl has a lot in common with Kyle's mom, because they're both big fat fucking bitches."

"My mom was AGAINST this war, fatass!" Kyle argued.

"Yeah, this time." Cartman turned his attention back to Steven. "Look, you just have to admit to yourself that Pearl is a lanky fucking bitch."

"But she's not!" Steven protested. "She's just… making a lot of really bad decisions right now."

"Yeah, a lot of really bad bitch-y decisions."

Once the group was in Beach City proper, Steven was relieved to find that things hadn't changed TOO much. Sure, there were military helicopters flying over the city and there were more police vehicles parked on the streets than usual, but at least the military wasn't conducting a death march or anything. He raised an eyebrow as several townspeople marched by, carrying signs and wearing Crystal Gems Against Canada t-shirts.

"Blame Canada! Blame Canada!" they chanted. "It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along, Blame Canada, Blame Canada…"

"Well, it appears the people of Beach City are rather… enthusiastic," Peridot muttered.

"Told you, this is all Pearl's fault, she's a bitch," Cartman said.

Steven sighed. Suddenly, he saw Sadie across the street—at the same time, Sadie saw him.

"Steven!" she yelled, running to hug her friend. "There you are! I heard you were shot, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. What's… going on here? Why is everyone having these anti-Canada rallies?" Steven asked.

"Are you living under a rock or something? We're at war!"

"Yeah, I know that, but I didn't expect YOU GUYS to be for that."

Sadie stared at the marching crowd. "Oh, yeah, that. They're a little over-the-top. But the Canadian government can't keep getting away with stuff like that!"

"I'm the one who GOT SHOT and I don't want this to be happening!" Steven protested, now a little annoyed that literally everyone else was pissed off on his behalf. "How come I keep TELLING PEOPLE what I want, and then THEY turn around and tell ME what I want!"

"You're a kid, you don't know what you want," Sadie said.

"STOP SAYING THAT!"

Peridot put an arm on Steven's shoulder. "Steven, come on, we need to get to the temple."

Steven sighed and turned. His eyes practically bugged out of his face when he saw what was going on at the Big Donut. "You're BURNING it?!" he yelled, shocked at the military officers that were currently dousing his favorite donut shop in kerosene. Again.

"Big Donut's Canadian, kid," one of the officers stated plainly. "If it's Canadian, it either gets burned down, or sent to that internment camp a few miles down the road."

Connie started dragging Steven along. "Come ON, we don't have time for this."

Cartman walked ahead. "Yeah, seriously, it's just a donut shop."

"Okay, next up, bring me that crate of Cheesy Poofs," the officer said to another officer. Cartman stopped in his tracks.

"Ch-Cheesy Poofs?" He walked over to the military personnel. "What are you doing with the Cheesy Poofs?"

"We're burning it. Cheesy Poofs are Canadian."

"Don't you dare-" Cartman's eyes widened as they tossed an entire crate of Cheesy Poofs into the fire. "No! NOO! What the fuck?!" Stan and Kyle rolled their eyes and dragged Cartman away. "Let go! Let go of me! This is bullshit, they're burning all the fucking Cheesy Poofs!"

"Come on, Cartman, we have a mission," Kyle said.

The group approached the temple, although Cartman and Steven were slightly less enthusiastic than before, having watched their favorite things get burned. Steven tapped his headset. "Ike, do you have the satellite maps up?"

"Roger that!" a different voice exclaimed cheerfully. "Hi there, Crystal Renegades! It's me, Ruby!"

Steven raised an eyebrow. "Ruby?"

Kyle nodded. "Yeah, a bunch of Rubies live in South Park now. They're helping Ike monitor the mission."

"Oh. Oh, DIFFERENT Rubies."

"Why, do you know a different Ruby?"

Steven nodded. "Yeah, uh, you could say that. Anyway, Ruby, welcome to the team. I need you to let us know if anyone else approaches the temple. Can you do that?"

"Aye-aye, captain! And while we're on this mission, maybe we can discuss the defective Peridot you have in your group!"

Peridot scrunched up her nose. "Defective? Why don't you say that to my face, you CLOD?"

"I tried, but nobody would let me see you!"

"Peridot's not DEFECTIVE," Steven said as he entered the beach house. "I already told you that."

"Yeah, and even if I was, asserting that that's a bad thing is ABLEIST!" Peridot argued. "So you'd best watch your step, or I'll have the whole internet coming down on you so hard-"

"This is your temple?" Kyle asked. "It just looks like a regular beach house."

"Yeah, where's the actual 'temple' part?" Stan asked. "I've been in the house before, not the temple."

"It's behind the big door!" Butters said over the headset. "L-Lapis told me last time me and Eric were here…"

Steven approached the door, behind the warp pad. "Let's hope my mom's room cooperates with me today…" The artificial Rose Quartz Gemstone on the door reacted with Steven's Gemstone, and the door came open. He sighed. "Alright, guys. Follow me."

"Whoa, this is cool," Kyle said as they began to enter, before Connie stopped him.

"Uh… you MAY want to brace yourself," she said. "Sometimes things get a bit… crazy in here."

"Whoa, shit, did you have sex in here or something?" Kenny asked. Connie just stared at him and stuttered.

"Uh… uh, n-no?" she said, absolutely baffled that this nine year-old boy a) knew anything about sex, and b) was now asking her, a twelve year old, if she'd had it. These South Park kids… were starting to creep her out a little. The better they went back to where they belonged, the better.

The Crystal Renegades entered Rose Quartz's room, which appeared to simply be an endless cloudscape. Kyle looked around. "This doesn't look helpful. Where's the room where you keep all of the prisoners or whatever?"

Steven took in a deep breath. "Room, show me the Burning Room." Suddenly, their surroundings changed, and the group found themselves in an insanely hot, circular room with bubbles throughout and a large pool of lava in the center.

"Whoa, shit," Cartman said, twisting himself around to take in his surroundings. "How the fuck…?"

"Okay, now Room," Steven said, mentally kicking himself. "Show us a way to the ACTUAL Burning Room." A door appeared on the wall, which Steven led the Renegades to. "You have to be really, really specific, or else it… uh… glitches."

As the group stepped into the real Burning Room, Peridot shivered. Lapis looked over at her. "It's, like, a hundred degrees in here."

"I know. I'm just… really spooked."

"Why?"

Peridot glanced over at one of the nearby bubbles, which, as it turned out, housed Squaridot. "That could have been me," she muttered. "If it hadn't been for Steven, I would still be trapped in here, for who knows how long. God, I used to be… such a bad person."

"But you aren't anymore," Lapis pointed out. "None of us are the same person we were before we met Steven."

Cartman walked past Lapis as she said this. "Man, Pearl's keeping prisoners in HERE? She really IS a big old bitch."

Lapis glared at him. "Okay. Some of us are the same person."

Peridot glanced over at the lava pit in the center. "Uh, Kenny, don't stand too close to that," she said.

"You don't have to tell me twice," Kenny muttered.

Amethyst examined several bubbles—specifically, ones that had been created by Pearl. "Okay… where are they…? They've got to be around here somewhere."

Cartman approached a few bubbles. "Oh, wow, these look nice." He started grabbing anything that looked pretty to him.

"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?" Stan asked.

"What? They aren't using these," Cartman excused. "So like, what's the problem?"

Kyle approached Cartman. "Cartman, put that down."

"Make me!"

"Fine! I will!" Kyle grabbed one of the bubbles and started to tug it away from Cartman, who pulled back.

"HEY! Give that back, you fuckin' Jews have everything you want, just give me this one thing!"

Steven was distracted from his search by the commotion. His eyes widened when he saw what was going on. "AHH! Kyle, Eric! Put that down!"

"You heard him, Kyle!" Cartman said, struggling to hold on to the bubble. "Drop it!"

"You first, fatass!"

"Fuckin' dirty Jew!"

"Fat fuck!"

Connie winced at every insult. "Jeez, don't you guys know how to be friends?"

"Shut up, Connie!" Kyle and Cartman yelled simultaneously.

"Why don't you go fly another plane into the twin towers?" Cartman said, absolutely nothing but bile in his words.

"Fuck you Cartman, not all Muslims are terrorists!" Kyle yelled.

"I'm also not Muslim," Connie said, glaring at Cartman and Kyle.

"Ahh, you all look the same to me," Cartman said, returning his attention to the bubble. "Put it down, Kyle!"

Peridot rolled her eyes at the children. As her eyes came to rest on Lapis, however, she noticed the ocean Gem looked slightly troubled. "Lapis?" No response. "Lapis, what's wrong?"

Lapis slowly raised a finger to point at the bubble the boys were fighting over. "That Gem…"

Peridot looked back over at the bubble. Her eyes widened. That was… "Oh, crap! Put that down, you two, you have no idea what you're-!"

The bubble slipped out of the boys' grasp. Everyone watched in suspense as the bubble soared in the air, then landed rather roughly on a brick with the corner sticking out. The entire bubble expanded, then popped, leaving the Gem—Jasper's Gem—lying on the floor. Everyone stared at it.

"Somebody, bubble it!" Steven yelled, as he and the other Gems ran toward it. But it was too late. The Gem began to glow, and a white light expanded around it. Lapis stepped back, unable to deal with this—she noticed, however, that Jasper was taking a rather… interesting form.

She was on all fours, her hair had grown to an unnatural length, gross-looking dark splotches covered her skin (re-vitiligo?) and her entire body was covered in large spikes—even her eyes, which made Lapis question how exactly Jasper could see anything. She looked like… a monster. Once she was fully reformed, she let out a feral roar.

"What the _hell_ happened to her?!" Lapis yelled over the roar.

"I told you, she's suffering from an extreme case of corruption!" Peridot yelled back, fearing for her life. "I don't know how, she fused with a corrupted Gem, and then SHE got it! Like… like…"

Stan blinked. "Like AIDS?!" he yelled. "Is corruption like AIDS?! Is that what that's supposed to be?!"

"We need to poof her!" Steven yelled. "Stan, .Kyle, Kenny, Eric! You need to get back!"

"Oh, hamburgers!" Butters yelled over the earpiece. "Run, fellas!"

The boys scattered—Kenny faster than the others—and ran to the other end of the room, hiding with the rest of the Renegades. "What's the plan?" Kyle asked.

"The plan is for YOU FOUR to get back into the house and let us handle it," Amethyst said, pulling out her whip.

"Oh, fuck that, we're helping!" Stan argued. "Just tell us what we need to do."

"You need to get out of here!" Connie said, unsheathing Rose Quartz's sword. "You have NO IDEA what you're dealing with!"

Glaring, Stan looked around the room. He'd killed Scuzzlebutt, this asshole wasn't any different, just bigger. And deadlier. "Come on, guys," he said to his friends, as they walked away.

Peridot assumed a battle stance. "Alright, Jasper, I took you out once before! I can do it agai-" Jasper smacked Peridot away, sending her flying into the wall. The back of her head smacked the wall rather hard, making her dizzy. She fell back down to the floor. "Ugh… is that… all you've got?" she asked, her voice muffled as her face was pressed against the floor.

Amethyst looked over at Steven. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Smokey Quartz?"

" _Hell_ yeah."

"What the fuck is 'Smokey Quartz'?" Clyde asked over the earpiece. "That sounds like a euphemism or something."

Steven and Amethyst nodded and assumed the formation they usually took when preparing to fuse. Before they could get started, however, Steven looked up at Jasper, and noticed a little fatty lump on her neck.

That fatty lump was Eric Cartman, who had climbed on top of Jasper. Steven gasped. "Eric! Get down from there!"

Cartman held a rope in his hand, which was tied into a loop. Steven followed the rope with his eyes, and saw that Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were holding on to the other end. Using the rope, Cartman lassoed Jasper, who started struggling.

"What are you four DOING?!" Lapis asked, alarmed. "Are you suicidal or something?!"

"We can fucking handle ourselves!" Stan said. "You guys aren't the only ones who've fought big monsters- oh, shit." Jasper started running, dragging the boys along with her. Cartman gripped her mane to stay on top of her, but seemed to realize something.

He let go of the mane, and grabbed the rope. Jasper skidded to a stop, sending Cartman flying off. As he was holding the rope, however, he was able to cling to it, and swung around Jasper with Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. The four boys landed back on top of her, and pulled back on the rope. Jasper, being led by the rope, reered around, and began running in the other direction.

"Are they… are they _breaking_ Jasper?!" Peridot asked, simultaneously impressed and disturbed.

Stan looked over at a pillar on the other side of the room. "Okay, guys, on three. One… two… THREE!" The boys yanked the rope, again sending Jasper in a different direction. She began to run as fast as possible towards the pillar. "Okay, guys… JUMP!" The boys jumped off just as Jasper collided with the pillar, destroying it and sending it toppling onto her. She poofed a moment later.

The dust covered the area. Steven gripped his hair, fearing the worst… until Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman marched out of the cloud, totally unscathed.

"And THAT'S how we get shit done in South Park," Stan boasted.

Steven's mouth was agape. "You guys… have no idea… how dangerous that was…" he managed to get out. "That was so irresponsible… and reckless… and AWESOME!" Stars appeared in Steven's eyes as he began to list off all the things that made what the boys just did totally badass. "You don't have any magic powers, no magic Gem weapons, you don't even have any special training or magical destiny… but you DID IT! You poofed Jasper with nothing but your street smarts and some rope!"

"AND, in the commotion, I found the Gems we're looking for!" Amethyst exclaimed. In her arms were the three bubbles they'd needed to find, as Peridot made her way to Jasper's gemstone and bubbled it.

"Um, what are you doing with that?" Lapis asked.

"I'm bubbling Jasper so she doesn't get out again," Peridot responded.

"Right, but you aren't sending that back to the barn, are you?"

Peridot looked at the bubble, rolled her eyes, and sighed. "Well, _I_ wanted to keep it as a trophy, but if having it around makes you uncomfortable, I _suppose_ I'll just leave it here."

Lapis rolled her eyes and smirked at how much Peridot attempted to keep up the condescending schtick, even though she knew the green Gem was mentally kicking herself for even considering bringing Jasper back to the barn. Still, if keeping up the appearance that she didn't actually care about anyone else's feelings made the small Gem feel big, who was Lapis to take that away from her?

Kyle watched as Peridot handled the bubble. "So… what does that actually DO?" he asked. "Like, what does putting it in a bubble do?"

Peridot sighed. "Jasper used to be like us. She wasn't a Crystal Gem, but she was… uh, sentient enough to know what she was doing. Gems like me and Jasper fought on the wrong side for a very long time, and fortunately, the Crystal Gems took me in after I got stranded on Earth, but Jasper… Jasper wasn't so lucky. She let her hatred consume her, and her addiction to power made her fuse with a corrupted Gem.

"I think you see what the result of that was," Peridot continued. "After she became… THAT, we were forced to-"

"Put her down?" Kyle asked, tilting her head.

"Something like that. Inside this bubble, Jasper is safe," Peridot concluded. "She's not in any pain… she doesn't even know that time is passing. This is the most humane thing we can do for all of these corrupted Gems," she said, gesturing to the hundreds of bubbles behind her.

Kyle stepped forward. " _All_ of these bubbles… have Gems in them?"

"It's the best home for them."

"Is there a cure?"

Peridot glanced over at Steven, who was examining the three Gems they'd come here for. "Steven sure thinks so… and I HOPE so… but realistically speaking, trying to find one is a fool's errand." Peridot thought back to her recurring headaches, and sighed. Lately the idea that she was carrying trace amounts of corruption had popped back into her mind. She tried to push them out, but…

Steven popped the bubbles, immediately, the three former Crystal Gems—Granite, Citrine, and Canadian Pearl—reformed, with Granite finally finishing that sentence she'd started. "CAN I FINISH?!" she asked, her beady little eyes glaring. "PLEASE, CAN I FINISH…?! What the fuck? Where are we, buddy?"

"We'll explain later!" Steven said. "For right now, you need to follow us back to South Park."

"How long were we out?" Citrine asked.

"About ten weeks," Amethyst answered. "...give or take a couple of weeks."

"Those asshole Crystal Gems!" Granite's flappy head flapped. "You! You're one of them!"

"Nuh uh, not anymore I'm not," Amethyst denied. "We're here to free you."

Stan blinked. "There are Canadian Gems," he said flatly. "That's so fucking retarded. That doesn't make any fucking sense."

"So, the Crystal Gems kept you here for three months," Cartman hummed. "Sounds to me like someone's a huge fucking bitch."

Steven rolled his eyes. "Eric, now isn't the time."

The group made their way back through the temple, into the beach house. Cartman continued to taunt Steven. "Pearl's such a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world…"

"Can you knock it off?" Steven asked.

"Not until you admit it." The group stepped out of the house. "You know I'm right."

"We'll talk about this later, Eric."

"On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday and Thursday she's a bitch…"

"Seriously Cartman, shut up," Kyle said, glaring.

"I WILL shut up. Just as soon as Steven admits that Pearl is a King Kamehameha biyotch. Come on, guys, you all know the words."

" _Have you ever met the Crystal Gem Pearl?_

" _She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world_

" _She's a mean old bitch, and she has stupid hair,_

" _She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch."_

Steven glared at Cartman, but his glare became a confused look as he realized that Stan, Kenny, and _Lapis_ were all singing along.

" _Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch_

" _She's a stupid bitch!"_

Peridot and Amethyst had both joined in at this point.

" _Pearl's such a bitch,_

" _Yeah she's such a dirty bitch!"_

"Alright, fine!" Steven yelled, fed up with it. "I admit it!"

"Uh, fellas, there's something on the satellite-" Butters began, although Steven threw off his earpiece.

"Pearl's a bitch!" Steven admitted, hoping it would shut Cartman up. "She doesn't listen to me, she doesn't take my feelings into account, she goes off on her own crusades without thinking about the consequences, she's just… a bitch! Are you happy now, Cartman?!"

Cartman stared at Steven, shocked. In fact, everyone looked shocked. In fact, they weren't even looking at Steven. They were looking _behind_ Steven.

"...what?" Steven turned around, and was greeted by Pearl, Garnet, and Bismuth. Pearl looked _shocked and appalled._ "...crud."

"Steven?!" Pearl asked. "What are you doing?!"

Granite glared. "Well, if it isn't the stupid bitch in question!"

Pearl's eyes widened. She, Garnet, and Bismuth assumed battle stances. "Children, get back!" she commanded. "These must be the Crystal Renegades! I should have known! How did you three escape?!"

"They aren't the Crystal Renegades," Steven sighed.

"...what?"

"We are," Steven announced, marching back over to the rest of the group. "We're the Crystal Renegades. We've been going around and undermining the war effort."

"Why?!"

"Because you're a bitch!" Cartman yelled from the back of the pack.

"We think you're doing the wrong thing, Pearl," Steven clarified. "Thousands of people have died already, and even more WILL die if this war goes on any longer. We freed these other Gems because we think that what you did to them was wrong. We're ALL the Crystal Renegades." He summoned his shield and assumed a defensive stance, as did all of his friends. "And we WON'T let you hurt them."


	15. Chapter 14: Civil War

**A/N: Okay, for real, if you didn't read** _ **Dorito Elect**_ **, certain things in this chapter are gonna feel totally out of left-field. Sorry for the continuity lockout!**

* * *

"I think we should back down," Pearl muttered. "I don't like where this is going." Pearl, Garnet, and Bismuth stood off against the Crystal Renegades, an anti-war resistance group led by Steven, whose membership included Amethyst, Peridot, and Lapis, as well as Connie and four boys from South Park, including Randy's son. Add on the three Canadian Gems, Granite, Citrine, and Canadian Pearl, the Crystal Gems were very severely outnumbered.

But that wasn't what worried Pearl. Pearl was worried that, if this standoff escalated any further, someone she cared about would get hurt. She didn't think she'd be able to forgive herself if Steven or Amethyst were injured—or worse—because of this war.

"We need to leave," Pearl repeated. "Now."

Bismuth shook her head. "To hell with that! I say we teach these brats a lesson!"

"Bismuth, they're _children,_ " Pearl excused. "They don't- they don't understand what they're getting into. I say we leave them be and get back to focusing on the war."

"If we leave them alone, they'll just meddle with our plans even more!" Bismuth argued. "We're gonna put this little rebellion down before it gets out of hand."

"If we try to 'put it down', things WILL get out of hand," Garnet said. "I agree with Pearl. We should leave."

"Well, we can't let them occupy our base of operations, can we?" Bismuth reasoned. "Look at them. They're ready for a fight, so I say we give them one."

Steven swallowed. "Are you guys ready for this?" he asked his fellow Renegades.

"No," Amethyst and Peridot responded simultaneously.

"Maybe they'll just let us walk," Peridot said. "They wouldn't REALLY fight us, would they?"

"If it comes down to it, we're ready to fight," Steven responded. "...which means they are too." He looked at Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman. "You guys should probably bail."

"Screw that, we're staying," Stan replied.

"Connie?" Steven turned to look at Connie.

"I swore to Pearl that I would stay by your side and protect you," Connie said. "Granted, I don't exactly think this was what she had in mind, but regardless, I'm not leaving."

"Lapis? Peridot? Last chance to jump ship?"

Lapis shrugged. "It's not like I had any other plans today," she said, completely and blissfully unaware that, for her own well-being, she definitely should have made other plans that day.

Steven nodded and shot another determined glare at the Crystal Gems before tightening his stance behind his shield. "Garnet, Pearl… I know you know that this war is wrong. Bismuth doesn't, because, let's face it, her moral compass is unbelievably skewed."

Bismuth glared back at Steven. "At least I don't turn on my teammates, traitor."

"Up yours!" Stan yelled.

"So, I'm going to ask, PLEAD one more time with you two," Steven continued speaking to Garnet and Pearl. "End this war. Tell the President to call everything off. Take the L, before it's too late."

Pearl sighed. "Steven, you're not going to give up, are you?"

"No, no I'm not."

"That's… unfortunate." Pearl reached into her Gem, and retrieved a spear. "Because we CAN'T give up."

"Holy shit, this is actually happening," Kyle muttered.

"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here," Stan said, eyes widening.

"We're beyond the point of no return," Pearl explained. "If we surrender, the Canadians and their allies won't stop at the border. They'll overrun the country, and then you won't be safe anywhere."

"He won't be safe if you attack him, retard!" Kyle yelled. "Are you that fucking dense?"

"Steven, this is your final warning," Pearl… uh, warned. "Step aside and allow us to take Granite, Citrine, and Canadian Pearl back into our custody. They're dangerous."

"Make me!"

Pearl sighed, closed her eyes, and let her head hang. "Fine." She glared up at the Renegades. "We will."

The Crystal Gems began to march forward, greatly alarming the Renegades.

"Agh! Jesus Christ!" Tweek shouted over the earpiece. Most of them had forgotten the mission was still being monitored. "Get out of there, you guys!"

"Ignore him," Steven commanded. "Everyone, stand your ground."

The group watched in anticipation as Bismuth, Garnet, and Pearl continued to march toward them. Everyone was starting to freak out a little; Steven and Amethyst, however, both remained calm, like they both knew something nobody else did.

Pearl looked a little nervous too. As she got closer and closer to Steven, her look got worse and worse.

Finally, the two groups converged. The clash was imminent, the battle had begun. Civil War was upon them.

...except that nothing happened. The Crystal Gems were face-to-face with the Crystal Renegades, prepared for battle, and yet… nothing happened. They had stopped completely.

Steven smirked. "You gonna put us down?"

Pearl blinked. "...y-yes." Nothing happened. "I'm serious. I'm going to do it." Still nothing. "Well, here we go. We're going to attack you now." Pearl raised her spear. "In three… two… ...one and a half… one and a quarter…" Pearl pointed her spear at Steven. "...one and a sixth. ...one and an eighth…"

"You're a terrible liar, P," Amethyst said, snickering.

"Wait… they aren't going to attack us?" Kyle asked.

"Of course they aren't," Steven said. "Even I didn't need future vision to know that. If they attacked us, they'd be doing exactly what they were fighting against. I called their bluff, and now they don't have ANY leverage."

Garnet frowned. "Darn. He did call our bluff."

Bismuth glared at Garnet and Pearl. "I wasn't aware we were bluffing."

"Of COURSE we were!" Pearl said. "What, did you expect us to just ATTACK the ones we were trying to protect in the first place? That would be entirely counterproductive. I was HOPING that Steven wouldn't see through it and just hand the Canadian Gems over to us, but unfortunately, it seems he's smarter than that. SO, I suggest we just call today a loss and return to the White House so that we may continue to advance our goals elsewhere."

Garnet and Pearl turned around and began to walk away, while Bismuth just glared at them. Suddenly, Kyle spoke up. "You're a fucking coward…" he realized.

Pearl stopped, and turned back around. "What?"

"You'd rather run away from your problems than face them head-on. You were going to try and INTIMIDATE us, and now that we've called you out on it, you're just leaving." Kyle moved to the front of the group. "You Crystal Gems aren't heroes. You're all just fucking cowards."

Pearl glared at Kyle. "You're far too young to understand what's at stake here."

"Maybe, but I'm old enough to know you're a fucking bitch."

"Steven, your friends are rather crude," Pearl said sharply. "I'd suggest you find new ones."

"He's RIGHT, Pearl," Steven replied. "You guys are cowards."

"You're going to eat those words, Rose!" Bismuth yelled as she transformed her arms into giant hammers.

Pearl's eyes widened. "Bismuth, NO!"

Steven reacted by immediately surrounding himself and Kyle in a bubble, which wobbled and shattered as Bismuth struck it. "Okay guys, this is happening, we're fighting now!" Steven said, quickly and slightly panicked. He'd expected Bismuth to back down, although, considering their history, perhaps he shouldn't have. Silly Steven.

"Holy shit, you can do that?" Kyle asked, perhaps concerningly unconcerned with the fact that he had nearly died just now.

Canadian Pearl drew a sword and ran towards Bismuth. Regular Pearl reacted quickly, and parried the attack. NOW it was on. The Civil War had begun. The Renegades readied themselves.

"What's the plan?" Connie asked, standing by Steven's side, sword drawn

"We might have to poof Garnet and Pearl, now," Steven admitted. "I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, but it might be the smart thing to do. With no leaders, the war is as good as over. There's more of us than there are of them, so-" Steven blocked another blow from Bismuth. "-so it shouldn't be TOO hard?"

Suddenly, several American infantrymen ran out onto the beach. Evidently, somebody called for backup at some point—PROBABLY Bismuth—and the Renegades Now had several assault weapons pointed at them.

"Well, that's problematic," Peridot said, glaring around her. "So are we surrendering now, or…?"

"Not a chance!" Steven answered. "Peridot, I think it's about time we remind everyone what we can do when we REALLY work together."

"What, you mean fusion? Gee, Steven, I don't know if-" Several bullets shot past Peridot's face, hitting the wall behind her. "AH! Yeah, okay, maybe we should do that."

"Hold your fire, you idiots!" Pearl yelled at the soldiers. "I swear, these soldiers…"

Kyle watched in curiosity as Steven and Peridot moved next to each other. "What the hell's a 'fusion'?"

Peridot tried to figure out her footing while the Canadian Gems fought back the Crystal Gems. "Okay… how did we do this last time…?"

 _We can dance if we want to,  
_ _We can leave your friends behind  
_ _Because your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance  
_ _Well they're no friends of mine._

Suddenly, Steven and Peridot were gone, and one single Gem took their place. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny stared at them, mouths agape.

"What the hell?!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Dude— _this_ is pretty fucked up, right here," Stan said again.

"New adversary!" the commander of the United States forces yelled. "Open fire!"

Reacting immediately, the fusion summoned not one, but two shields and levitated one in front of each of its hands. The soldiers opened fire, but the fusion was able to react quickly enough to block each and every shot. Rather than immediately ricochet, however, the bullets were absorbed into the shields, which grew slightly in size with each individual round. After a few seconds of this, the dozen-or-so soldiers had to reload. The fusion smirked, and took this time to point both of its shields to the sky.

The energy it had stored up was released all at once, and hundreds of bullets suddenly shot into the sky—before falling back to the ground, they all exploded, lighting up the skies of Beach City with a fireball that could be seen for miles.

Garnet and Pearl stared up at the fireball, their faces bathing in the orange glow. "Wow," Garnet said flatly. "That was impressive. I didn't see that one coming." A moment later, she said "That was a joke. I saw it coming. It was still impressive, though."

"This is getting too dangerous…" Pearl muttered, before ducking below a swing of Canadian Pearl's sword. "Bismuth! We really need to retreat, now!"

Bismuth formed her hands into a baseball bat (an impressive feat considering she'd been bubbled before baseball had been invented), and clocked Granite over the head with it. "It's too late for that!"

"HEY! Don't hit me like I'm a fucking baseball, dickhead!" Granite yelled.

"Sorry, don't know what 'baseball' is," Bismuth shrugged before hitting Granite again.

"KNOCK IT OFF, GUY!"

"Sorry, 'buddy'," Bismuth mocked.

"Steven could get hurt!" Pearl yelled.

"I'm sorry, did you not just see what that fusion just did?" Bismuth asked. "THEY'RE the dangerous ones. It's us or them, Pearl!"

Lapis and Connie stood back to back as they were surrounded by American soldiers. "You know, I know this is sort of inappropriate…" Connie said as she used the blunt side of Rose Quartz's sword push one soldier away from her, "...but seeing Steven and Peridot fuse makes me sort of jealous!"

"Honestly, same," Lapis responded in kind as she surrounded two soldiers in a bubble and kicked them away. "But it's whatever, I guess, as long as nobody on the internet draws any weird fan art about it!"

"Ugh, tell me about it," Craig muttered over the earpiece.

The Boys, meanwhile, were just sort of lazing around trying not to get shot. Even Kenny. Especially Kenny. Mostly Kenny. Just Kenny. "This shit is getting too crazy!" Stan yelled as Kenny narrowly missed a bullet through his head. "I hope this war ends soon!"

"Yeah, me too!" Kyle yelled as Kenny screamed and ducked below a throwing knife. "Jesus Kenny, be careful, you might get killed or something."

"Trying my best, asshole!"

Pearl raised her spear and ran towards Granite. She was blocked, however, by Steven, who had just unfused with Peridot. "Steven! You need to get out of the way, this is too dangerous!"

Steven grunted as he used his shield to knock Pearl's spear out of her hands. "You always told me to do the right thing, Pearl! Well, I'm doing it!" He caught Rose's sword, which had been tossed to him by Connie, and parried another spear. "You're being a butt right now, Pearl! Knock it off!"

"You're the one who's being the 'butt', Steven! You knock it off!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"You know, I just realized," Cartman said, running next to Amethyst to dodge Bismuth, "this is just like that one Captain America movie!"

"What, the one with Spider-Man in it?" Amethyst asked.

"Yeah, that one, Civil War!"

Kenny's eyes widened. "Civil War…?" he muttered. Suddenly, he flashed back to several weeks ago.

* * *

 _When Saddam returned, he carried an easel. "This is gonna blow you the fuck away," he said. "Get this. There's this PROPHECY that some bad shit's about to go down on Earth."_

" _It's all part of the prophecy… prophecy… prophecy... The next part of the prophecy has yet to happen… happen… happen..."_

* * *

" _I just… can't shake the feeling that something really bad is about to happen," Satan said. "What if Saddam really WASN'T behind that prophecy? What if it's all just going to happen anyway?"_

" _What was the next part of the prophecy?"_

 _Satan looked uncomfortable. "Civil war… war… war..."_

* * *

" _The prophecy states that the apocalypse will occur on a planet inhabited by Gems," Blue Diamond said. "The Gem Homeworld is not the only planet inhabited by Gems… Gems… Gems..."_

 _Yellow Diamond nodded in response to Blue's statement. "Yes. Several of the prophecy's clauses refer to events that have occurred on Earth. Rose Quartz's war against the human nation of Canada is one example… example… example..."_

" _Canada?" Wendy whispered. "What does Canada have to do with this? ...this… this… this..."_

* * *

In the present, everything clicked in Kenny's mind, and he started _flipping shit… shit… shit…_ He screamed.

"AHHHH! Guys! We need to fucking stop!" he yelled. "Bad shit's about to happen!"

Bad shit was indeed about to happen, for it was just then that Bismuth decided that the best way to get the Renegades to knock it off was to make an example of one of them… and Kenny happened to be the closest target. What she was about to do wasn't going to be pretty… but it had to be done.

Garnet saw what Bismuth did about five seconds before she did it. Because of this, she felt the need to put a stop to it. Alarmed, she pushed Citrine off of her and yelled out. "Kenny! Move, now!"

Kenny raised an eyebrow and turned around, where he saw Bismuth standing over him, her arms transformed into massive hammers which were coming at him at a probably-terminal velocity. All he could do in response was sigh. "God damn it," he muttered under his breath.

Lapis looked over upon hearing Garnet shout. Suddenly, images flashed in her mind. When people die, they go to Hell, and that, presumably, included Kenny. Having seen Hell, Lapis knew it wasn't a good place. She also knew that Kenny didn't deserve to go to Hell, he was just a child! Lapis imagined Kenny in Hell… the image was so vivid, in fact, that she could have sworn that she actually DID see him in Hell, which would have been impossible, considering he wasn't dead yet.

And he wasn't GOING to die. Not if she had anything to say about it. Reacting fast, Lapis sprinted towards Kenny and Bismuth—she could've tried to push Bismuth away, but she wasn't sure she was strong enough. The only thing she KNEW she could do was push Kenny out of the way.

Peridot saw what was happening, and she suddenly became terrified. "La-LAPIS! What are you–?!"

Lapis dove and slid across the ground, pushing Kenny safely away from Bismuth's big mallet hands. Success! ...her victory was short-lived as she herself was struck by Bismuth, and it hurt like a motherfucker. "AGH!" she yelled in pain as Bismuth struck the middle of her back, right between her shoulder blades—right on her Gem. That was going to leave a crack, which she'd get Steven to deal with afterwards—except that Bismuth then placed a foot on Lapis' back and began to apply a painful amount of pressure.

All of the fighting stopped. Everyone turned to look at Bismuth and Lapis, who were in the center of everything. Pearl was frozen in sheer horror. Peridot gasped and covered her mouth. Steven's eyes widened, and he began to shake his head, as if that was going to stop everything. The Boys weren't sure what was going on, but they knew it wasn't good.

Lapis drew in a sharp breath as Bismuth leaned even harder on her Gem. "You know, Lazuli," Bismuth said as she leaned her face closer, "Rose Quartz destroyed my greatest weapon to prevent exactly this from happening. You know what she didn't account for?" Bismuth twisted her foot, causing Lapis to groan in agony. An audible crack pierced the still air. "She didn't account for Gems like YOU. So weak. So fragile. _So fucking easy_. Maybe now, the Renegades'll think twice before putting their fucking noses where they don't fucking belong." Bismuth smirked. "Say… are you the same Lapis Lazuli from Homeworld that I defeated during the war? Hah. Small galaxy. I suppose I'm only finishing what I started." Bismuth released some of the pressure, allowing Lapis to breathe. "Goodbye, Lazuli." Suddenly, she forced her foot down, completely shattering Lapis's gemstone and obliterating her metaphysical form.

Peridot screamed in emotional agony. "NO!" she shouted, tears rushing down her face. "No, no, no no no!" She ran over to what remained of Lapis as Bismuth walked away.

Pearl didn't look very good either. Actually, she looked mortified. "Oh my god… you… you… you just…"

"I taught them a lesson," Bismuth said as she pushed past Pearl. "If you want to deliver a message, sometimes, you gotta kill the messenger."

Garnet displayed a rare moment of horror as well as she tried to process what just happened. She watched as Steven, Peridot, and the others ran over to Lapis's shards. This wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to keep Steven safe. She didn't want…

Peridot picked up the pieces. "Th-this can be fixed, right?" She looked hopefully at Steven. "R-right, you can fix this?! You can heal cracks, can't you?!"

"I-I don't think I can fix this!"

"This isn't happening… this isn't happening… I'm having a nightmare…"

Stan looked a little confused. "But… this… isn't permanent, right? Like, Gems can do that thing where they… where they fix themselves, right?"

"If a Gem is shattered, there's no coming back…" Amethyst muttered.

"Dude…"

Amethyst looked ready to cry as well. Steven and Peridot already were. Connie looked horrified, while the Boys slowly began to realize the severity of the situation. The Canadian Gems looked… as sorrowful as a Canadian could. Amethyst turned to glare at Pearl, Garnet, Bismuth, and the American forces.

"You… you three crossed the line," she said. "There's no coming back from this. You fucked up!"

Pearl shook her head. "No, no, Amethyst, I didn't want-!"

"I don't want to hear it!" Amethyst yelled back.

"Maybe we can help!" Pearl suggested.

"You can't help ANYBODY! You can't bring her back! YOU caused this! YOU killed Lapis!"

Kyle glared at Pearl, Garnet, and Bismuth. "You bastards!"

Right about now, both Pearl and Garnet were thinking the same thing. Amethyst was right. They fucked up. Everything about this was fucked sideways. Lapis Lazuli was dead, and it was their fault. The only thing they could do now… "Retreat," Pearl commanded, her voice shaky. "Everyone, retreat. We need to leave, now!"

Steven stood up and glared at Garnet and Pearl as they fled. "Why?! Why did it have to be like this?!" Steven shouted after them. "Why couldn't you just quit?!"

* * *

The Crystal Renegades stayed long after the Crystal Gems had fled. They all sat, staring at the shattered pieces of Lapis Lazuli and trying to comfort Peridot. First, her grieving took the form of loud sobs. Then, angry at the world, Peridot slammed her fists on the ground repeatedly and screamed, as if that would somehow bring Lapis back. Finally, she tired herself out, and stared silently at the shards. None of this felt real to her. Her Gem felt like it was about to shatter just from the extreme emotional pain she was in. Nearly two hours of grieving later, she bubbled the shards.

"What are you doing?" Connie asked.

"Sending her home," Peridot muttered. She tapped the top of the bubble and sent it back to the barn. She began to cry again as Steven and Amethyst pulled her into a tight hug.

Kenny had separated himself from the group to do a bit of his own thinking. He leaned against the wall of the beach house and watched as Peridot, Steven, and Amethyst embraced. He felt immense levels of guilt that he, previously, didn't know he was capable of feeling. Lapis Lazuli died protecting HIM. It was HIS fault. That fucking idiot, she should have just let Bismuth kill him. At least HE would have come back. It should have been HIM, not HER.

Kenny realized something, and eyed Peridot. She was aware of his many deaths and resurrections. For reasons completely beyond him, SHE, of all people, was able to remember when he died. Peridot was totally unaffected by his curse. She knew full well that Lapis could have let Kenny die, which made Kenny feel even guiltier. He knew that Peridot KNEW that if Bismuth had killed Kenny instead, everything would be fine right now and nobody important would have been hurt.

...would she blame HIM for it, he wondered? Would Peridot turn her anger towards Kenny? He guessed he'd deserve it, if so. Kenny sighed. "Fuck, dude…" he muttered.

* * *

The group traveled to the barn, where Peridot found Lapis's bubble once again and took one last look at her shards. "Steven… what do humans do with their remains when they die?"

"Some people get buried… some people are cremated and have their ashes spread over things they liked…"

Peridot nodded, and popped the bubble. She sighed, and began to grind up the shards in her hands. They felt so… brittle, now.

"What are you doing?" Kyle asked her.

"Gems who are left as shards can sometimes come back, incomplete," she explained. "They usually take the form of dismembered limbs, and I… I don't want to risk putting Lapis through that. It sounds horrible." Once the shards were finely ground, Peridot turned around, and released them into the wind. The dust took flight, spreading across the great farm that Peridot and Lapis built together, the rising sunlight reflecting off of the many pieces and leaving sparkles in the air.

Stan tapped Kyle on the shoulder. "Dude… forget everything I said back there. THIS… this is pretty fucked up, right here."

Pumpkin, having just woken up from a nap, stretched and walked over to the group. She seemed to know that something wasn't quite right. Peridot picked her up and began to pet her as she whined and looked around for her other master. Where was Blue Master? All that Pumpkin could see was Green Master, Blue was nowhere to be found. Had she left again? When would she be back?

The Renegades stepped onto the nearby warp pad and warped onto the Denver Pad, which happened to be the pitcher's mound at Coors Stadium. There, they began the slow, silent walk back to South Park. Not even Eric Cartman had it in him to make a dumbass remark. About an hour later, they walked past the sign that greeted them at the edge of town. They made their way to the South Park Community Center, their base of operations for the time-being.

After Lapis was shattered, everyone took off their earpieces abruptly. As a result, the Renegades that stayed in town to coordinate the mission from afar were left totally out of the loop regarding the success or failure of the mission. Peridot put Pumpkin down and allowed her to walk around as Randy Marsh approached them.

"Oh, good, you're back," he said. "I see you freed those prisoners."

"Nice to meet you, buddy!" Granite greeted.

Randy's smile soon went away, however, when he realized nobody else was smiling. "Is something wrong?" He did a quick headcount. "...somebody's missing… where's Lapis Lazuli?"

Peridot sighed, and walked to the corner of the room. She sat down and hugged her legs.

"...did something happen?" Randy asked the rest.

"Lapis is dead," Stan answered. "The Crystal Gems murdered her."

Randy's eyes widened, and he looked back over at Peridot. "Holy shit…" Pearl… what the fuck had gotten into her?!

* * *

The Crystal Gems returned to the White House, visibly shaken by what had transpired. Well, except for Bismuth. She seemed pretty fuckin' pleased with herself. The President greeted them upon their return.

"Well, how'd it go?" Garrison said, smiling.

"We weren't able to stop them from freeing those prisoners," Bismuth lamented. "BUT we sent a much, MUCH stronger message."

"Uh huh, and what's that?"

Pearl had her hand over her mouth and a look of worry in her eyes. "We… we KILLED Lapis Lazuli…" she muttered.

Garrison smiled. "Well, great! That oughta teach them a lesson!"

"No, it's not GREAT!" Pearl argued. "We didn't want to KILL any of them!"

"War's a dirty business, what can I say?" the President shrugged. "If you ask me, I say we round up the rest of those Crystal Renegades and fuck 'em all to death!"

Without warning, Garnet punched Garrison in the jaw, knocking him down. "You need to stop," she said simply before walking away. Once Garrison recovered, he stood up and glared at Pearl.

"You know, hundreds of thousands of people have died already because of this war," he said. "Now, personally, I don't care about that, but the fact that you only started caring when one of your former scissor sisters kicked the bucket is pretty fuckin' selfish. What makes her life more important to you?"

"I-"

"Don't answer that." Garrison marched away as well. Bismuth shrugged.

"He's right, you know. All of the death and chaos this war has caused is on you. Lapis Lazuli was one of hundreds of thousands of casualties, and it seems to me that you wouldn't have cared about any of it otherwise."

Pearl couldn't deny it, because it was true. Lapis' shattering was the imaginary line in the imaginary sand. This wasn't right.

"BUT…" Bismuth continued, "...I think you realize now that we're beyond the point of no return, don't you? We can't go back anymore."

Pearl slowly nodded. "Yes… yes, I understand that… things won't ever be the same again… we can't quit now… it's too late to quit."

"Great! Glad you agree, because this war is only just getting started. Good talk!" Bismuth patted Pearl on the back and left her alone with her thoughts.

* * *

Peridot sat in front of Stark's Pond with Pumpkin, staring out at the water. The events of the last 24 hours still didn't feel entirely real to her. She felt like she was going to wake up screaming at literally any moment.

Except that she didn't. This WAS all real. Lapis was dead. No matter how many times Peridot said that to herself, she didn't believe it. But she was there. She watched Bismuth shatter her, she personally spread her shards across their little corner of countryside, and she came all the way back here, to South Park. Why? She wasn't entirely sure. In her mind, the Crystal Gems had won. They could go wage their stupid fucking war, she didn't care anymore.

She heard a twig snap, and slightly turned her head. Kenny was there. "Hey, Kenny," she muttered. "What do you want?"

"I wanted to see if you were okay."

She glared at him. "No, Kenny, I am not okay. What a needlessly stupid question." Realizing how mean she was being, she sighed and looked away. "Uh… sorry."

Kenny shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. If it wasn't for me-"

"Don't."

"If I had died, everything would be fine right now."

"Yes. It would be. You'd be back by next week, and I wouldn't be in such a huge amount pain right now." Another tear fell down the side of Peridot's face as she slowly got angrier and angrier. "If Lapis didn't try to save you, she would still be here. Why, WHY did she risk her life… for YOU? For somebody who dies every week and shows up again before the next adventure? Why do YOU get to live, and die, and come back again and repeat the process, and she's just DEAD. She CAN'T come back, Kenny! She's gone for good, Kenny, and it's… it's…" Peridot broke down crying again. "...it's not even your fault. Why am I blaming you for it?"

"It IS my fault. You SHOULD blame me."

"You didn't ASK to be cursed with eternal life," Peridot muttered, sniffling and wiping her tears away. "To blame you for something you can't help would be totally unfair."

"But if Lapis had known-"

"If Lapis had known you'd come back, she'd have still tried to save you anyway," Peridot interrupted. "No. None of this is your fault. It was Bismuth… and Garnet… and _Pearl_ … they did this…" She fell silent. "I loved her, Kenny."

"I could tell."

"I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her… and I don't think I ever told her that I loved her." She didn't know what she would do with herself now. Every single potential future she had planned for herself also involved Lapis. "I don't know what I'm going to do now, except…"

"Except?"

Peridot looked up and glared across the lake. "...except avenge her."

"...what?"

The green gem stood up. "Pearl won't get away with this." She started walking back towards town, leaving a very suddenly alarmed Kenny alone.

"...Peridot? ...What are you going to do?"

* * *

Heidi Turner stood onto the scale she kept in her bathroom. 70 pounds. She smiled—she was so close to losing all of the weight she put on while she was dating Eric Cartman. Just a few more pounds to go… she heard a knock at her door. Raising an eyebrow, she put on her clothes, walked to the front door, and opened it. She glared at the person on the other side.

"Hi, Heidi," Cartman muttered.

"I'm not taking you back, Eric."

"No, wait, hang on, don't close the door yet," Cartman said as Heidi began to close the door on him. "I'm not here to beg for you to take me back, or threaten to kill myself, or trick you into eating KFC, I promise."

Heidi rolled her eyes. "What do you want?"

"I promise, you can slam the door on me AFTER I say what I need to say."

"What. Do you want. Eric."

"I just wanted to say… I'm sorry for how I treated you," Cartman managed to spit out. "Recently, some really bad shit went down, and it made me realize that the way I treated you was super not kewl."

"If you're only just now realizing this, that's a huge problem."

Cartman sighed. "I know it is. I'm not going to try and excuse any of what I did."

Heidi raised an eyebrow. "You aren't."

"No, I'm not. I don't have any excuses. I just… wanted you to know that I really did care about you, and that I only did the things I did to bring you down because I didn't want you to realize how much better you could have been doing." Cartman turned his head. "And I get it, you don't have to say anything. That's SUPER fucked up and impossible to forgive. I don't want forgiveness. I just want you to know that none of it was your fault." Cartman looked back at Heidi. "Anyway… you won't be hearing from me again. Not because I'm going to kill myself. Because I'm not. I'm just going to leave you alone from now on. See ya, Heidi."

Cartman turned around and started to walk away. Heidi was completely blown away by the maturity he'd just shown her… Was this some kind of trick? She fully expected it to be, but the encounter was surprising, regardless.

Cartman reached the end of the street, where Kyle was waiting. "You know she's never gonna believe that shit," Kyle said.

"You know what, Kyle? I'm glad. I'm glad that she'll never believe me."

"Why are you 'glad'?"

"If she never believes me, she'll never take me back, and I'll never be able to abuse her again," Cartman explained. "I wasn't lying, back there. I really did care about her."

"What, so now you're just some new, born-again Eric Cartman?"

"No, I'm still the same as I was before," Cartman said, shaking his head. "It's hard to explain. I'd just rather not be that way to HER, if I can help it."

"But you can't help it."

"Probably not."

"Which is why you don't want her to take you back."

"Exactly."

Kyle thought about it for a second. "I guess that makes sense. It's just about the only thing that's happened today that's made sense."

"Yeah, something tells me it's gonna get a lot worse," Cartman muttered.

* * *

President Garrison walked through the halls of the White House. Suddenly, an aide approached him. "Mr. President," he muttered. "We have a little situation…"

"What is it?"

"Well, besides your firing of the Secretary of State and the Deputy Director of the FBI, the pending lawsuits against the town of South Park and that porn star, and the general dysfunction and unpopularity of your administration and the Republican Party as a whole, your newly-appointed Secretary of Spooky Future Shit just quit."

Garrison raised his eyebrows. "Garnet quit? Why?"

"She said, and I quote," the aide held up a transcript of Garnet's resignation speech. "'The President is a seafoam, gimp-lipped, shell of a shadow and I hate him.'"

"She didn't say that."

"The transcript says otherwise, sir. She called you a 'seafoam, gimp-lipped, shell of a shadow'."

"Oh, jeez," the President groaned. "This is not what I need right now. Where's Pearl?"

"Ah, uh, that's the other thing…" the aide said nervously as he followed Garrison to the Oval Office. "You see, uh…"

Garrison pushed open the doors. "Pearl, are you in here? We've got a big prob-" he stopped. "...lem…"

Pearl was sitting at the Resolute Desk, with Bismuth standing beside her. Across from her was Republican leadership. "Ah, Mr. Garrison, I'm glad you're here," she greeted. "Please, have a seat."

Garrison looked at the other people in the room. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, and Vice President Mike Pence all sat across from Pearl, as did the few remaining members of Garrison's cabinet. "What the hell's going on?" Garrison asked.

"You see, Mr. Garrison, we were actually just talking about you," Pearl continued. "It's quite fortunate that you showed up right at this moment."

"Why are you sitting at my desk?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," Pearl said. "You see, ah… how do I put this… well, as it turns out, we found a little… clause, in the Constitution of the United States, that pertains to the status of your… employment."

"Employment?"

"Yes. You see, a little while ago, you said, in writing, that if Mr. Pence were to resign or otherwise be removed from the office of Vice President, you would nominate me for the position." Pearl gestured to Pence. "As it happens, the Vice President submitted his resignation letter today. Both houses of Congress have already voted. I am now your Vice President."

Garrison rolled his eyes. "Okay, that's great. Listen, Pearl, Garnet quit. She went AWOL!"

"Yes, that was unfortunate. I have no idea where she could be now." Vice President Pearl glanced at McConnell. "But I'm not finished. The twenty-fifth amendment of the Constitution states that, if the Vice President—that's me—and a majority of the other heads of the executive departments write to the Senate President Pro Tempore and the Speaker of the House that the President is unable to fulfill his duties as President… well, that the Vice President becomes President, pending congressional approval, of course."

Garrison's eyes widened. "What the fuck is this?"

McConnell sighed. "Mr. Garrison… you're one of the least popular Presidents this country has ever had, and you're dragging the entire Republican Party down with you. The midterm elections are in less than eight months and you're seriously hurting our chances of maintaining our majority."

Ryan nodded. "The best thing we can do right now is drop our dead weight. And that means you. Mr. Garrison… I'm sorry."

"What the fuck are you all talking about?!" Garrison said, stepping back. "Is this a fucking coup?!"

"You're not handling the war properly," President Pearl said. "You're unfit for office. Mr. Garrison—you're fired."

Two Secret Service agents arrived and grabbed the former President by the arms. "Alright, Mr. Garrison, we're gonna need you to come with us."

"Let go of me! Where are you taking me?!"

"Mr. Garrison, please hold still."

"This isn't right! This is a fucking witch hunt! I'll fuck ALL of you to death!" The former President was dragged out of the Oval Office as President Pearl watched. She sighed.

"Are we doing the right thing?" she asked Bismuth.

"It's waaaaay too late to be asking that question."

* * *

Peridot stared at a photo of Lapis on her phone. She sighed.

"I promise, Lapis…" she muttered, "...I'm going to make them ALL pay for what they did to you." She only had one thing on her mind, now.

 _Revenge._

She was going to make sure Pearl and the others felt the exact same pain they made Lapis feel.


	16. Chapter 15: Wieners Out for Lapis Lazuli

**A/N: If you don't know, the latter half of South Park's 20th season was derailed quite a bit by the results of the 2016 US Presidential Election. Trey Parker and Matt Stone wrote the season under the assumption that Clinton would be elected, and when that didn't happen they couldn't resolve some of their storylines in a satisfying way—which is why, among other things, the Member Berries just sort of disappeared.**

 **They have, however, talked a little bit in interviews about how the season would have ended if Clinton had in fact won, including what would have become of Mr. Garrison. This chapter is, in part, based on that prompt.**

 **Also; there was a very slight continuity error in the last chapter. Pearl mentions Mike Pence being president, even though in South Park's 20th season it was Caitlyn Jenner. The episode "Doubling Down" used Mike Pence instead of her so I thought I could get away with doing the same, but apparently at some point in** _ **Dorito Elect**_ **I mentioned "Vice President Jenner". Oops?**

 **Also, while it's nothing graphic (thus why I didn't bump the story's rating up to M), this chapter does have descriptions of implied nudity that are slightly more overt than jokes I've made in the past about it, so... be warned.**

* * *

The sun rose over the quiet mountain town of South Park. Ordinarily, as one walked through the town, they could see parents getting ready for work, children getting ready for school, and animals getting ready for a day of play. Today, however, the town was a lot quieter.

Or, at least, it seemed that way to Peridot, who sat in a crowd of citizens from both South Park and Beach City, who flew out to Colorado for the occasion and were dressed rather formally. Peridot, herself, was dressed in a black jumpsuit as she stared towards the front of the crowd. Priest Maxi addressed the audience from a podium as he stood beneath a tree. Beside him was a large, commissioned painting of the late Lapis Lazuli, which sat on an easel.

"We're gathered here today to mourn the tragic and untimely passing of Lapis Lazuli," he said as he glanced down at his bible. "Although I never knew her personally, Ms. Lazuli-"

Steven looked around at the various funeral attendees as Father Maxi continued his speech. A lot of people from Beach City came out here today. Sadie, Ronaldo, the Pizzas… How well did any of them actually know Lapis, though? He glanced at Peridot, whose still face worried him. She was hiding a lot of pain right now, just as he was. He could tell from the dark circles underneath her eyes. He wondered what she was thinking…

 _Revenge, revenge, revenge, get Pearl, teach her a lesson, revenge, avenge Lapis, revenge, defeat the Crystal Clods, revenge revenge revenge-_

"And now, to deliver a eulogy of her own, I'd like to call up Lapis Lazuli's partner… Peridot." Father Maxi stepped aside and allowed Peridot to stand at the podium. She cleared her throat.

"I… don't want to be here, right now," she said. "If left alone, Gems can live for thousands of years. Theoretically, we can live beyond the heat-death of the universe, supposing we were capable of creating a shelter which can survive the heat-death of the universe, which I promise you, I WAS working on. So, uh, forgive my bluntness… we aren't exactly as used to going to funerals as humans are."

Steven frowned. Somehow, the idea that Peridot expected Lapis to live indefinitely made all of this even more heartbreaking.

"Lapis was, in fact, thousands of years old," Peridot muttered. "Several thousand years older than I am, at any rate. And of those thousands of years, I only knew her for the last four. And of those four years, I was only her roommate for, like, a year and a half. And of that year and a half… I only knew I was in love with her for the last six months. Now that she's gone, I… I just wish we had more time.

"Lapis was killed in battle, trying to protect Kenny McCormick from a ruthless group of murderers known as the 'Crystal Gems'," Peridot continued, adopting a much darker tone. "It's because of them that we're all here today." Anger, hatred, and resentment rang loud and clear in her voice, and it appeared many of the funeral attendees shared similar sentiments. Ordinarily, Steven would have said something in the Crystal Gems' defense at this point, but, honestly, he sort of felt the same way right now. Their cold, brutal, and remorseless slaying of Lapis made them the officially designated the bad guys, in his book… he raised an eyebrow as Butters approached the podium.

"I want everyone in this audience to know… their crimes will not go unpunished." Peridot paused for a moment as people in the crowd began to murmur. "Lapis Lazuli was murdered. And I'll be damned if I'm going to sit back and watch while those Crystal Clods continue to take innocent lives. I'm making a promise, right now, to bring those war criminals to justice!" The crowd was getting restless. She was starting to strike a heavy chord with them.

Just then, Butters pulled his pants down and held a fist in the air. The crowd grew silent. Peridot, confused, slowly turned to stare at Butters.

"Butters, what are you doing?" she asked.

"Wieners out for Lapis!" Butters explained. "When someone dies, y-you're supposed to pull your wiener out to show support!"

Peridot looked down and realized that Butters did, in fact, drop his pants. She sighed and closed her eyes. "Butters, put your clothes back on," she grumbled.

"Oh, well, okay…" Butters pulled his pants back up, buckled his belt, and walked back to his seat.

"But…" Peridot continued, "...Now is not the time to discuss revenge. I don't know about you guys, but I'M here to grieve. So let me get to my next point of discussion. Lapis, apparently, made friends in South Park in the months prior to her death. So, I'm proud to announce that a memorial in her honor has been erected in a place she loved to relax: Craig's house."

* * *

Craig glared out his window. A large marble statue of Lapis Lazuli had been built in his front lawn, and it was becoming a huge eyesore. Several random citizens had stopped here throughout the morning to admire the monument. Craig wanted these people out of his yard. There was a knock on his door, and he walked over to answer it. Tweek was on the other side.

"Hey, man," Tweek greeted. "Are you ready for school?"

"Yeah, let's go." Craig grabbed Tweek's hand and they walked to South Park Elementary.

* * *

The bells rang, signaling the beginning of class. The students of Mrs. Nelson's fourth grade class took their seats and pulled out their notebooks, ready to begin. Kenny was the last one to show up. Taking his seat next to Bebe, he accidentally bumped into her.

"Hey! Watch it, asshole!" Bebe said in a hushed tone. "This pussy isn't for grabbing, okay pervert?"

"I'm not grabbing you, Jesus Christ," Kenny muttered.

"Come on, Bebe, lay off," Kyle said. "It was an accident."

"Shut up, Kyle, don't mansplain to me or I'll kick your ass!"

Ah, yes. There was still a gender war going on at the moment. That shit never got resolved. Though tensions did cool down over time, the boys and girls of South Park Elementary still resented and distrusted each other. The war with Canada only made things worse, as the influx of Canadian refugees in South Park reminded Butters of Charlotte, his Canadian ex-girlfriend who may or may not have been killed in the bombing of Toronto. As such, he revived the Weiners Out movement, which made the girls begin supporting the Me Too movement, which made the boys fear wrongful sexual assault allegations and refuse to believe any such allegations, which made the girls pissed off because Butters literally had his dick out right at that moment, he was TOTALLY sexually harassing them and nobody was taking it seriously.

The kids began to argue. Just then their teacher walked in, and they grew silent… except it wasn't Mrs. Nelson. It was somebody they hadn't seen in quite some time. With his spray tan gone and his toupee discarded, Mr. Garrison sighed and began to write on the chalkboard.

"Okay class, everyone take your seats," he said, "we have a lot to go over today. Today we're going to be going over the beginnings of the French Revolution. Does anyone have any questions before we get started?" Everyone stared silently at Mr. Garrison. Slowly, Stan raised his hands. "Yes, Stanley?"

"Aren't you supposed to be the President right now?" Stan asked.

Garrison sighed again. "Okay, does anybody ELSE have any questions? Yes, Clyde?"

"How come you aren't at the White House? Did you finish making America great again?"

Garrison looked over at Wendy. "Wendy, do you have a question?"

"Are you in hiding?"

"Where's your wig?"

"Did you build that wall yet?"

Garrison held a hand up. "Okay, okay, one at a time. Kyle?"

Kyle paused before asking his question. "What happened?" he said finally after a moment.

Mr. Garrison put a hand over his face and walked over to his desk. He took a seat and glared at the papers sitting in front of him. "My own cabinet kicked me out."

Stan realized something. "Wait, if Mr. Garrison's right here, then who's the President?"

* * *

President Pearl marched down the hall as she approached the White House press room. Now dressed in a gawdy white pantsuit that made her look like a dictator from a dystopian post-apocalyptic teen romance novel trilogy, she confidently approached the podium, where she prepared to give her first press conference as President. The second she entered the room, she was bombarded with questions.

"Ms. President! Ms. President! Will you be reorganizing the Garrison cabinet?"

"Ms. President, what does this mean for the Robert Mueller investigation?"

"Ms. President, will you be instructing the Attorney General to pursue charges against the former President?"

Pearl held a hand up. "Those are all fantastic questions. Unfortunately, none of those are questions I can actually ANSWER. The White House is committing all of its resources to wrapping up the war against Canada."

Tim Hairpiece stood up. "Ms. President, if I may? The war against Canada appears to be going nowhere, and many Americans are concerned that it could escalate into a greater conflict. What exactly is your GOAL with this war?"

Pearl paused. "Well, what was the goal of the Iraq War?"

The reporters ooh'd and aah'd at the absolute nothing answer that Pearl just gave and began taking notes. "And what do you have to say to the CRITICS of this war?" Tim asked. "How are you going to keep American citizens safe?"

"A better question is, how are American CITIZENS going to keep American citizens safe?" Pearl responded with yet another nonsensical answer that somehow managed to blow everyone's minds. She smiled. Running this country for the remainder of Mr. Garrison's term was going to be a breeze.

* * *

During recess, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sat by the roundabout, discussing recent developments. "Okay, guys," Stan said. "I think we're all in agreement when I say things have been kind of fucked up for a while now, right?"

"Yeah, this war is super not kewl," Cartman agreed. "Watching Lapis die was super fucked, bro."

"Yeah, and have you guys spoken to Peridot or Steven lately?" Kyle asked. "They're both really distant. It's like they-"

"Sshh, ssh, here comes Peridot now!" Stan said in a hushed tone as Peridot approached them. "Hey, Peridot, what's up?"

"I'm still grieving, that's what's 'up'," Peridot said glumly. "None of this feels real to me."

"Yeah, bro, totally," Cartman said. "So uh… what did you need?"

"Nothing, I guess. I'm just tired of staring at the lake all day."

"Oh. ...kewl, I guess." The boys stared at Peridot. She then just sort of… wandered away. "Dude. Fuckin' red flag right there," Cartman said once she was out of earshot. "She's gonna fuckin' snap and kill somebody, like all those lone wolf high school schoolers."

"Hey, didn't she say something about 'getting revenge' on the people who killed Lapis?" Kyle remembered her saying something like that at the funeral. "Wouldn't that include…"

"Mr. Garrison!" The boys all yelled simultaneously, as they ran back into the building. On the way, they bumped into Butters, Kenny, Tweek, and Craig.

"Oh, heya, fellas!" Butters greeted. "We were just getting ready to do our Wieners Out for Lapis March! Wanna join us?"

Stan just stared as Butters pulled his pants down. Bebe and Wendy happened to walk by right at this moment, and Wendy glared at the boys in disgust. "Ugh! Butters, put that away!"

"Make me, skank!" Butters held a fist in the air as Kenny, Tweek, and Craig also dropped their pants.

Wendy glared at Stan. "Stan, you need to put a stop to this!"

"We're kind of dealing with something more important right now," Stan responded.

"More important than THIS?! Ugh!" The girls walked away, angered.

"Wait, Wendy-! Aw, shit."

"Come ON, Stan, we have to go warn Mr. Garrison!" Kyle said as he and Cartman pulled Stan into the building.

* * *

Mr. Garrison sat in his classroom, watching CNN coverage of the first days of Pearl's presidency. She and Vice President Bismuth had, thus far, replaced Garrison's entire cabinet, sent more troops into Canada, and met with Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss how they were going to go about taking out Canadian leadership. Pearl had, apparently, ruled out using nuclear weaponry, which was good.

What wasn't good was that she was beginning to antagonize other world leaders. Today, she had phone calls with the Prime Minister of England, the President of France, and the Prime Minister of China, and all three conversations apparently went very badly.

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman ran into the room. "Mr. Garrison!" Kyle yelled. "We need to talk!"

"Uh, yeah, sure. What material are you having trouble understanding?"

"Mr. Garrison, you need to leave South Park," Stan commanded. "Like, right now!"

"Why? What's going on?" Garrison asked.

"The Crystal Gems killed Lapis Lazuli, during a mission that YOU ordered while you were President!" Kyle explained.

"Okay, but I didn't tell them to kill her."

"Do you think Peridot gives a shit about that?" Stan asked. "No, she doesn't! Peridot vowed revenge against EVERYONE involved, and that includes you!"

"She's going to fucking kill you when she finds out you're back!" Kyle said. "You have to leave. Now."

"Kids, I think Peridot is a little more reasonable than that," Garrison said, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure she knows as well as anybody that Lapis wouldn't have wanted her to resort to something as drastic as MURDER to avenge her."

Suddenly, several girls barged into the room. "Mr. Garrison, you HAVE to get Butters to stop!" Wendy said, agitated.

"Why, what's he doing?"

* * *

Butters stood at the center of the playground with his dick out, having been joined by several other boys, who all also had their dicks out. "We need to stand up and stand tall for what's right!" he shouted. "Wieners Out for Lapis Lazuli!"

"Wieners Out for Lapis Lazuli!" the other boys chanted.

Garrison stepped outside, raising an eyebrow as he heard the commotion. "Butters, what the hell are you doing?"

"Oh, heya Mr. Garrison!" Butters greeted. "We're just standing up against the establishment!"

"By pullin' your doodle out?" Garrison responded flatly.

"Well, yeah, it's like you're always sayin'!" Butters smiled but didn't pull his pants up. "The deep state is out to get us! Crooked Hillary and Crazy Joe Biden are fuckin' us, HARD, and we gotta fight back! The Crystal Gems are the deep state and they killed Lapis! So now we have our wieners out! But the GIRLS don't like that, because they SUPPORTED the Crystal Gems!"

"We aren't Crystal Gem supporters!" Wendy argued. "We think what they're doing is fucked up! But pulling your dick out isn't going to STOP them! It's just making everyone around you uncomfortable!"

Mr. Garrison was starting to get a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Butters was beginning to sound a lot like… him. "Okay kids, let's settle down…"

"And that's another thing!" Butters continued. "The world isn't your safe space, Wendy! We don't CARE if we're making you uncomfortable!"

"This isn't even about sexism anymore! You're just an idiot!" Wendy yelled back.

"Yeah, that's what a snowflake would say!"

The boys and the girls started arguing again. Kyle sighed and crossed his arms. "God damn it…"

"How long has this been going on?" Mr. Garrison asked.

"How long have you been President?" Stan replied. "It's been going on for about that long."

"Oh, jeez…"

It was just then that Navy happened to walk by. She stared at Butters. "Gee, that's an interesting place to keep your Gem," she said as continued walking.

* * *

Amethyst approached the Marsh family's guest room, where Steven was staying. She knocked on the door. "Hey, Steven? Is Peridot in there?"

Steven opened the door. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. "Uh… no. She went to Stark's Pond or something."

"How's she holding up?"

"Not good. She just walks to the lake every day and stares at it. Then she comes back here and cries herself to sleep."

"Where DOES she sleep?"

Steven pointed to Stan's bathroom, across the hall. "She sits in the bathtub and contemplates life."

"Okay, well I'm REALLY worried about her. Have you seen this?" Amethyst held up a book.

"Is this Peridot's diary?"

"Turn to the most recent entry."

Steven did just that, flipping through several pages, stopping briefly on a rather awkward entry she wrote shortly before the Beach City mayoral election where she described "falling" for him, before coming to the most recent entry.

 _Log Date: Six Days A.H.A. (_ _ **A**_ _fter_ _ **H**_ _eart_ _ **A**_ _che)_

 _It has been nearly one Earth week since Lapis was murdered. Although many of my friends have made sweet, if slightly fruitless attempts at consoling me and assuring me she is in a 'better place' now (where this 'better place is', they won't tell me), I'm still having trouble believing that any of this is real._

 _The Crystal Renegades have indefinitely put off all missions while I grieve with Steven and Amethyst. The two of them don't seem to see, however, that there's only one way to end this war and make sure that nobody else suffers the same fate Lapis did; the Crystal Clods need to be removed from power, by force if necessary._

 _The hammer of justice WILL be dropped on Pearl. Garnet may pose an issue later down the road, but for right now, my sights are set on Pearl and Bismuth—they're the ones spearheading the war effort._

"She's saying some really dark stuff in there," Amethyst lamented. "I think Lapis's death broke her."

"Well, I understand why," Steven said as he closed the book. "The stuff she's writing is… sort of dark, I'll admit… but I don't blame her for writing any of it. Just let her fantasize."

"You really don't think she'll try something stupid?"

"Amethyst, I'M having trouble not doing something stupid."

"And what if she tries to go after Pearl?"

Steven paused. "We're going to have to poof and bubble her and Bismuth anyway, now."

This alarmed Amethyst greatly. "You can't be serious."

"I spent a lot of time thinking about it," Steven admitted. "I don't… I don't think there's any road to recovery for them anymore. I also don't think Peridot has a single murderous bone in her body, so I think she'll be satisfied with that."

"She tried to kill you, like, seven different times three years ago. Whatever, whatever. What about the President?"

"What about him?"

Amethyst pointed to the book. "She writes about how she blames him for Lapis's death, too. HE can't be bubbled."

"Well, maybe if we got a really big bubble…"

"Steven!"

Steven held a hand up. "Alright, alright, fine, I'll talk to Peridot." He walked out of the room to go find Peridot.

* * *

Mr. Garrison nervously paced the front of the room as his class returned from recess. He sighed as he realized they were still fighting amongst themselves.

"Fuck you, Butters!" Bebe shouted. "Put your fucking dick away already!"

"Make me, bitch! Wieners out!"

"Wieners out!" the other boys chanted.

Mr. Garrison glared at Butters. "Butters, either put your penis away or go to the counselor's office." With his fist still raised high in the air, Butters marched out of the classroom and to the counselor's office, causing Mr. Garrison to sigh. "There, the problem has been removed from the classroom. Now can we PLEASE get back to our lesson?" Navy raised her hand. "Yes, Ruby?"

"What's a penis?"

Mr. Garrison blinked and stared blankly at Navy for a moment before turning around and writing on the chalkboard. "Okay, class, now I want you all to turn to page 173 in your textbooks and read the paragraph on Louis XIV—"

Steven Universe entered the room. "Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Eric, are you guys in here?"

"Oh, for God's sake," Garrison said. Having given up on teaching for the day, he sat down and put his hands over his face.

Stan got out of his seat. "What is it?"

"Have you guys seen Peridot anywhere?"

Garrison perked up. "Peridot?"

"Not since recess, why?"

Steven sighed. "Amethyst is worried that she might try and do something stupid-" he turned his head and saw Mr. Garrison sitting at his desk. "...Mr. President?"

"Oh, jeez," Garrison muttered.

"What happened to you?" Steven asked, approaching the desk. "You're… bald!"

Garrison glared at Steven. "I'm not the President anymore."

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with your hair? You're bald!"

"I'm not bald, I have a receding hairline!" Mr. Garrison defended.

"Wait a second. Focus Steven. Mr. Former President, our friend was killed during a mission that YOU authorized!"

Garrison sighed. "Steven, I specifically told them not to kill anybody, they just didn't listen to me."

"Well, you better tell Peridot that!"

"...why?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "It's like we said, dumbass, she's going to kill you when she realizes you're back in South Park."

"But I didn't do anything!"

"Mr. Garrison's gonna be killed?" Craig asked. "Dude, hardcore."

"No- no, class, don't listen to Steven, he's just being a little turd ball right now, I'm not going to die. I doubt that the idea's even crossed Peridot's mind."

* * *

A bell rang at Jimbo's Guns, which meant that a potential customer had just entered the building. Jimbo Kern glanced up and smiled. "Welcome, patriot!" he greeted as the short-statured customer approached the desk. "What brings you here today?"

Peridot stood at the counter and glanced around the room. She seemed… distant. She wasn't making eye contact with Jimbo or Ned, her head was tilted slightly downward, and her face was overall blank. Also, she wore a big trench coat that went down to her feet. "I would like to purchase a rapid-fire projectile weapon, as soon as possible," she said in a low voice.

"Well, thanks to the stupid Democrats, we can't sell you a fully-automatic assault weapon," Jimbo bemoaned.

"Oh. That is a shame."

"But, we do have a wide selection of semi-automatic assault-style sport weapons you can choose from!" he said, smiling.

"I suppose that will have to do."

"Why don't you follow me, I'll take you to my gun locker." Jimbo stepped out from behind the counter and led Peridot to his gun locker. He opened it and began showing her various pieces. Peridot would periodically grab and examine the weapons as Jimbo explained what they did.

"This here is a Smith & Wesson AR-15 Sporter, or as the NRA likes to call it, a 'Modern Sporting Rifle'. It's my most popular model!" Jimbo beamed. "This baby's been a best-seller since 2010!"

"I see. What is the magazine capacity?"

"Well, for legal reasons, I'm only allowed to sell the ten-round variant, but I'm sure you can find higher capacity cartridges online. This baby's fully modular!"

"Modular, eh?"

Jimbo nodded. "Yup! You can attach bigger cartridges, grips, bump stocks, sights, scopes, silencers, grenade launchers, anything you can think of!"

"This is useful information."

Jimbo frowned. "Say, uh… can I ask what exactly you're buying this for?"

"Revenge."

Jimbo's eyes widened. "Revenge?! Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, I can't sell this to you."

"Why not?"

Jimbo rolled his eyes. "Because, it's the WRONG MODEL! If you'd told me in the first place you wanted this gun for revenge, I would have pulled THIS baby out!" Jimbo retrieved a much bigger and much deadlier gun from the locker. "THIS is what you're looking for."

"I'll take it."

* * *

The day was coming to an end. Mr. Garrison sighed and sat down at his desk. "Okay, class, does anyone have any questions about today's lesson?" Clyde raised his hand. "Yes, Clyde?"

"How come the WOMEN were the ones in power?" Clyde asked.

Red glared at Clyde. "Shut the fuck up, Clyde, the men are in power LITERALLY everywhere else!"

Garrison watched as his students argued. "O-okay, class, settle down-"

"Clyde's right, fuck girls!" Kevin Stoley yelled. "They just want power so they can get rid of all the men!"

"That's not what any of this is about, dumbass!" Wendy argued. "Stan, tell him!"

"I- I'd rather not get involved, Wendy."

The kids began to argue, with the exception of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman, who just sat uncomfortably and silently. Garrison groaned.

"Oh, jeez…"

"Hey! Wait a second!" Token said. "Let's ask Mr. Garrison! He's been a man AND a woman! So, logically, he knows which one is better!" The entire class turned their attention to Mr. Garrison.

"...I… what?"

"Well, what is it, Mr. Garrison? Who's right?"

"Obviously, we are!"

"No, we are!"

The class started yelling again. This was too much for Mr. Garrison, who yelled and ran out of the room. Once he was outside of the school, he stopped to catch his breath. "Oh… jeez…" He sighed. "What the hell's gotten into these kids?" With a dejected frown, he began to walk home. Everything was so screwed right now, he didn't know what to do or how to do it. Really, this day couldn't get any worse.

"Garrison!" Mr. Garrison froze as he heard, several feet behind him, the familiar, whiny, nasally voice. He blinked, and though he looked reasonably freaked out, he tried to remain calm and continued walking. "I know you can hear me, Garrison!" Peridot yelled. "I have some unfinished business with you!"

Mr. Garrison turned around as Peridot approached him. "Peridot, listen-"

"No! You listen! I'm through with listening!" Peridot stood just in front of Mr. Garrison as she yelled at him. "I am sick and tired of you and your 'fuck 'em all to death' rhetoric!"

"Believe me, Peridot, I'm sick of me too-"

"You got my best friend killed!" Peridot yelled. "I LOVED her, and you killed her!"

Garrison stepped back. "Now, I- I did NOT. Okay? The Crystal Gems killed her, I had NOTHING to do with that!"

Steven, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman ran out into the street and saw Peridot confronting Mr. Garrison. "Peridot!" Steven yelled. "Oh, jeez, this isn't good!"

"You better start running, Mr. Garrison!" Cartman hollered. "Peridot's thirsty for blood!"

Garrison's eyes widened as he realized Peridot had an assault weapon strapped to her back. "Oh, shit…"

"You. Killed. Lapis."

"I didn't!"

"You didn't condemn the act, either!" Peridot argued. "Guess what, Mr. Garrison? When you're the President, people look up to YOU for guidance!"

Garrison realized something. "Yeah… yeah, they do, don't they?"

"Yes, they do! When some bad group of people does a bad thing in your name, and you refuse to say anything against it, guess what?! You're actively condoning it!" Peridot paced around angrily. "Whether it's Nazis marching in Virginia or Crystal Gems committing murder, your inaction encourages their unacceptable behavior! Your inactions have consequences, Mr. Garrison!"

For some reason, even though he'd been President for 14 months before Pearl kicked him out on his ass, and a teacher for even longer before that, this was the first time Mr. Garrison realized that, yeah, people DID look up to him. And, yeah, the things he DIDN'T do actually DID have as much impact as the stuff he did do. So maybe this whole mess with Lapis WAS his fault.

...which meant the gender war at South Park Elementary was also his fault. He sighed as it all hit him at once. "Oh, jeez…" he muttered. He looked back down at Peridot, who was still glaring up at him, weapon still strapped to her back. "Are you going to kill me?" he asked, afraid of the answer but understanding that Peridot's actions would have been totally justified in that case.

Peridot didn't answer for a tense moment. She scoffed, and rolled her eyes. "No, of course not."

Steven let out a heavy, relieved sigh as he placed his hand over his chest. "Jeez, Peridot, don't scare us like that…" he muttered.

"So, wait, then why did you buy the gun?" Kyle questioned, tilting his head.

Peridot turned around to face the boys. "I'm going to reverse engineer it, and turn it into an energy weapon that we can use against the Crystal Gems! With the right technology, I can create a plasma weapon capable of disrupting a Gem's physical form instantaneously."

Steven smiled. "Oh, like that weird club thing you used back on your ship!"

"Precisely! Once that's done, they can be mass produced and given to the rest of the Renegades. The energy will poof any gems that are hit, and shock any human soldiers enough to disorient them, giving us the upper hand in any future battles!"

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "That… that could work! Hey, yeah, she's right! If we can win battles without actually killing anybody, that'll prove we're better than the Crystal Gems are, and they'll have no choice but to end the war!"

Steven put a hand on Peridot's shoulder. "Peridot, your plan is great! We can get started on this right away!"

Mr. Garrison shrugged. "You kids do that. I have something I need to take care of…"

* * *

The next day, South Park Elementary was a madhouse. The Gender War had returned in full force. It was boys against girls—and Butters had his dick out again. The children argued and screamed at each other on the playground while PC Principal, Vice Principal Strong Woman, and Mr. Mackey watched helplessly.

"Oh, bro. Dude. Bro," PC Principal said as he watched the chaos. "Mackey, I thought you said this under control."

"M'kay, well, you see PC Principal," Mackey began to explain, "Butters is the one who keeps on pulling his puh- penis out, and I called his parents, and they grounded him, m'kay, and that's usually enough to stop him." Mackey put a tiny hand on his massive chin and raised an eyebrow. "It seems to- to have not worked this time, m'kay..."

"Fuck you, Butters!" Bebe yelled. "I bet YOU were Skankhunt42 all along!"

"See what I mean, fellas?" Butters asked his fellow boys. "They're willing to damn me for a crime I didn't even commit! Everyone knows that KYLE was Skankhunt42!"

Heidi Turner, who was nearby but not participating, raised her hand. "Actually, it was Kyle's dad."

"Shut up, Heidi, you're a traitor!" Bebe yelled.

Heidi rolled her eyes, and walked away. "Ugh."

Suddenly, Red ran forward and punched Butters in the face. This was all it took for all hell to break loose, and the kids started going at it. Punch after punch was thrown, kids were tackled, Butters probably got kicked in the nuts, everything was complete chaos.

"Alright, everyone, knock it off!" a slightly high pitched voice shouted. Everyone stopped, confused as the where the command came from. "You all are acting like a bunch of little animals, and it just isn't right!" They all realized that the noise was coming from none other than Mr. Hat, a hand puppet that sat on Mr. Garrison's hand, whose words slipped out of the corner of Garrison's mouth with ease.

"That's right, Mr. Hat," Mr. Garrison agreed. "So what are you all doing? Huh? I leave to go run for President, and suddenly you all are acting like a bunch of little shits? Huh? Is this the Fourth Grade class I left behind? I don't think so!"

"Now you all need to get back to class and stop bein' a bunch-a little turd balls!" Mr. Hat ordered. "Go on, get!"

Butters stood up. "But Mr. Hat—!"

"No 'buts', mister!" Mr. Hat cut Butters off. "I don't care who started this, I'm stopping it!"

"That's right, Mr. Hat," Garrison nodded. "What happened to you kids? I thought you all worked together to solve your problems, and now you're all against each other? I may not be your President anymore, but I am still your teacher, and as your teacher, I demand that you all at least PRETEND to like each other. Got that?"

"But—!"

"Butters, you shut the hell up!" Mr. Hat yelled.

"Now Mr. Hat, there's no need to be like that."

"Sorry, Mr. Garrison."

"I want to be very clear," Garrison said, his voice loud across the playground. "I will not tolerate any more of this asinine behavior! This country is at war, and the last thing it needs is for you to be at war with each other! You kids are the last, brightest hope for America! So get over your differences, and suck it up, or I'll see each and every last one of you in detention!"

"But Mr. Garrison, WE didn't start it!" Wendy argued.

"Do you think I give a hot delicious shit who started it?!" Garrison asked, his tone becoming much more threatening. "I nuked Canada! I'm a deranged psycho who will do literally anything to prove a point, so don't test me! Get to class!"

The children all stared at Mr. Garrison in silence. Slowly, one by one, they all reluctantly got up and walked back to class. Garrison watched with a satisfied smirk as the children walked past him. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Steven approached and watched as Mr. Garrison admired his crowd control abilities.

"Dude. Mr. Garrison. That kicked ass," Stan complimented.

"Yeah, I think I've learned that being a brash asshole doesn't work in the White House," Garrison said. "It only works when you're a teacher."

"That's right, Mr. Garrison!" Mr. Hat replied.

Steven frowned. "O-okay, you can stop using the puppet now, it's freaking me out."

Mr. Garrison frowned as well. "What? That wasn't me."

Steven stared at Mr. Hat. There was something… intimidating about the hand puppet. He laughed nervously. "Haha… good one, Mr. Garrison… you really got me…" Steven grabbed his elbow and slowly backed away, as did Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.

Mr. Garrison shrugged and tossed Mr. Hat off of his hand. Turning his head, he noticed Peridot approaching him. "Thank you, Peridot," he said. "I don't think I'd have been able to do that if you hadn't talked some sense into me."

Peridot glared at her own feet. "Let me get one thing straight, Garrison," she growled. "I will NEVER forgive you for what happened to Lapis. Nothing that you or the Crystal Gems can do will fix the damage that has been done in that regard."

Mr. Garrison sighed. "I understand." Peridot began to walk away, but a thought crossed Mr. Garrison's mind. "...Peridot?"

Peridot stopped, but didn't turn around. "What?"

"What do you plan to do with the Crystal Gems?" he asked. "Once you see them again, I mean."

Peridot didn't answer for a moment. Finally, she sighed and said. "I want to kill them."

"Oh."

"But… I don't know if I have it in me to go through with it."

"Oh?"

Peridot turned around. To Mr. Garrison's surprise, she had tears in her eye. "Despite the evil things they've done… Garnet and Pearl were still my friends. I'm not sure if I could ever bring myself to… to kill them." She paused for another moment. Her eyes scanned the playground. "I… I don't know what I'll do. If I kill them… am I really any better than them?"

"You would certainly be justified," Garrison commented. "When I was President, I learned that sometimes you have to do bad things, and there's just... nothing you can do to get around it. There's no such thing as a 'good war', Peridot. There is no more black and white morality. Everything's a huge gray area. So, if you decided to kill them... I doubt anyone would blame you if you made that call."

"I would blame me." Peridot turned back around. "The question is, would the guilt stop me from doing it?" She started to walk away. "I guess we'll find out soon enough, won't we?"

Garrison watched as Peridot left. "Sheesh, that was edgy," he muttered.

* * *

 **A/N: Really excited for the next chapter. The working title right now is "Lion 5: The Pre-Sequel". Don't miss it—it's gonna be a big one.**


	17. Chapter 16: The Galactic Caliphate

The Second Canadian-American War was coming to a head. President Pearl, leading the entirety of the armed forces of the United States of America, was on the verge of discovering where the the leaders of the Canadian government were hiding. Once they were out of power, this war would finally be over.

And yet, her cowardice prevented her from being there, on the front lines, for she was afraid that she would again be forced to face the Crystal Renegades, the founding members of which were her friends. She didn't want any of them getting hurt.

Steven Universe, meanwhile, wasn't sure if he wanted to face Pearl either. First, he needed answers about his mother, who she really was, and why this war had to happen in the first place.

Plus; will Peridot ever recover from Lapis's death? Will she do as she promised, and kill Pearl? Will Heidi Turner go back to Eric Cartman? Who is Andy DeMayo really? Is he actually Carl, the neighbor from Aqua Teen Hunger Force? Who is behind the mysterious doomsday prophecy? Will I ever finish _Crystal Rick_ and _Looking Forward to the Future_? More importantly, will I be able to wrap up all of these plot threads adequately with no loose ends?

All of these questions, and more…

...will NOT be answered tonight, so that we can bring you an all new Terrance & Phillip adventure!

* * *

 **A/N: April Fools! ...is on the second now, NOT the first!**

* * *

Heaven was a mess. The angels of Heaven flew around in a panic, as the war on Earth was beginning to reach near-apocalyptic levels, which meant they had to prepare a Rapture at some point or else the big man upstairs would get all pissed off. Also, a high-profile prisoner had just escaped.

Saddam Hussein, former President of Iraq ("or Iran", as he would say, "what's the difference?") had been caught in Hell planning to take control of Earth during a supposedly prophesied civil war. As such, he was imprisoned in Heaven, which he hated, as only Mormons and those few personally chosen by God get into Heaven. His accommodations in Heaven were actually quite nice, but he hated it anyway, because the Mormons were waaaaay too nice.

This is the "why" of his escape. The "how" is actually quite boring. He simply… walked out. The Gates of Heaven were good at keeping people out, but not so good at keeping people in, it seemed.

Meanwhile, in the magical land of Canada, things were not well. The war with the United States decreased Canadian quality of life by quite a bit. The average life expectancy of a Canadian man dropped to just 142 years on average, and the unemployment rate rose to over 3%, the highest it's been since the Cola Wars. Several Canadian cities had been invaded and occupied by Americans, and many others had been carpet bombed to hell.

Despite this, Scott the Dick still found time to try and frame Terrance and Phillip for crimes. Scott paced the courtroom as he addressed the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Terrance and Phillip are clearly guilty of treason! Let's go over the facts, shall we?" Scott began listing the 'facts' on his fingers. "Number one: Terrance and Phillip sent me an email last week which read 'we are going to commit treason'."

Terrance stood up. "Your Honor, I would like for this case to be thrown out."

"On what grounds, buddy?" the judge asked.

"Scott's a dick, and his mother didn't love him!" Phillip accused.

"That's very compelling. Scott, your counterpoint?"

Scott the Dick glared at Terrance and Phillip. "Hey! I am not a dick!" Terrance suddenly jumped up into the air and farted in Scott's face.

The judge hummed. "Hmm… Terrance and Phillip bring up a good point. Case dismissed!" He banged his gavel on the stand.

Terrance and Phillip exited the courthouse. Both had been evacuated to Montreal when the war began; the Americans had not yet invaded Quebec, as the French sent troops to ensure that their lucrative winery business in Canada stayed intact. As such, life in Montreal was relatively normal.

Scott the Dick approached Terrance and Phillip. "You two may have gotten away this time, but mark my words, you two will rue the day you were—" He recoiled as Phillip farted some more in his face. "Hey! Farts are not funny!" Scott marched away angrily.

Terrance sighed. "How come, every week, Scott tries to frame us for treason?"

"Maybe he's just jealous because he didn't get to have you!" Phillip suggested.

"...what?"

Phillip farted in Terrance's face, and they both erupted into laughter. "Gee Phillip, it sure is a good thing we regained our youth with all of that Botox and plastic surgery! I don't know how we would have survived the war otherwise!"

Suddenly, Terrance and Phillip's wives, the Queef Sisters, approached. "Terrance, Phillip!" Katie Queef said urgently. "Something terrible has happened!" Terrance farted in his wife's face, and they both laughed hysterically. "Okay, but no, seriously, we're all in grave danger!"

"What happened?" Phillip asked.

"The Minister of Montreal has been deposed!" Katherine exclaimed. "ISIS is attacking!"

"ISIS?!" Terrance exclaimed. Phillip farted, sending the quartet into hysterical laughter. "But wait, I thought ISIS was gone for good!"

"The war between the United States and Canada diverted attention away from Syria!" Katie explained. "Now ISIS has taken over Europe, and they've invaded Quebec!"

"Wow, that was fast," Phillip muttered. "That sounds unrealist-" Katherine queefed in Phillip's face, sending everyone into laughter again.

"Hey!" Scott the Dick yelled as he approached them. "You can't do that! Babies come from there!"

"Eat a dick, Scott!" Terrance yelled.

"Yeah, eat yourself!" Phillip added.

"Hey! I am not a dick, and I will not eat one!" Scott marched away.

"We have to run away, quickly!" Katie Queef said. "I heard there's a town in America that hides Canadian refugees—"

Several ISIS insurgents surrounded them. "Hey! Why aren't you two wearing your veils, buddy?"

"Oh no! We've been captured!" The Queef Sisters screamed as they were dragged away by the terrorists.

"Jesus Christ!" Phillip yelled. "We need to rescue them!" Terrance farted in his face, and they both erupted into laughter.

"Gee, Phillip, I wonder who let ISIS into Canada?" Terrance pondered.

* * *

Saddam Hussein marched through the halls of the Palace of Montreal, which is a real building and totally not a place I made up just now. "Hey, this place is pretty nice!" he complimented. "Yeah, this'll make for a great place to rule the galaxy from!"

"The galaxy?" an ISIS escort asked.

"Yeah! Canada is just the beginning! Soon, I'll have the whole galaxy!"

"...how?"

"Hey, relax, guy! Don't worry about it!" Saddam sat in the Minister of Montreal's throne. "Just let me do all of the planning, handsome! With the Americans and Canadians at war, I'm free to take what I please!"

Katie and Katherine Queef were escorted into the room. "We found these infidels without their veils, buddy!" the insurgent who escorted them said. "What would you like us to do with them?"

Saddam shrugged. "Throw them in jail, I guess."

An ISIS aide tapped Saddam's shoulder. "Why don't we make an example of them, by filming a decapitation and sending the video to American media outlets?"

Saddam was caught slightly off-guard by the suggestion. "Jesus, you guys are sick fucks! You know, back in the 90s, we just stoned people to death! Cutting their heads off? That's just wrong."

"The Taliban doesn't have any power in Iraq anymore, Saddam," somebody said from the shadows. The leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who we're just going to call "Abu" because holy fuck that name is hard to spell, stepped into the light. "Don't get too excited, Saddam. We're allowing you to lead the Montreal Mission, but the galaxy is not yours to take. We will install the Galactic Caliphate ourselves."

"Yeah, that's what you think," Saddam muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, relax, buddy, don't worry about it!"

"You'd better watch your step, Saddam," Abu warned. "We're doing things MY way now." Abu left. "Prepare the beheading," he said to the two insurgents as he walked out.

"...stupid asshole," Saddam muttered, although his perpetual smug grin remained.

* * *

Terrance and Phillip stood outside the Palace of Montreal, which was guarded by several armed ISIS soldiers. "Okay, Phillip, what's the plan?" Terrance whispered. In response, Phillip farted, causing them both to snicker in near silence.

"I don't know if we can get past all of these armed guards!" Phillip said after they'd finished laughing. "We may need to plan this a little better."

"Hey, buddies, what's going on?" a man with a bag over his head said as he approached Terrance and Phillip. Terrance sighed.

"Oh. Hello, Bob," he muttered.

This was Ugly Bob. His face was so ugly, the sight of it could turn mortals and immortals alike into stone. To protect others, such as his wife, Celine Dion, and his step-daughter, Sally, he wore a bag over his head. "What are you all doing?" Ugly Bob asked.

"We're trying to save our wives from ISIS," Phillip responded. "Can't you go be ugly somewhere else?"

"Aw, don't be like that, guy. Maybe I can help."

"You can't even help being ugly!" Terrance accused. "What makes you think you could help us take down ISIS?" Phillip farted, and Terrance turned to stare at him. "You fah-ted!" Terrance exclaimed. Instead of laughing, the two Canadians stared at each other silently for several seconds.

Finally they turned back to Ugly Bob. "Anyway, you're too ugly to help us!" finished Terrance.

"Yeah! Go away!" said Phillip.

"What if I told you I knew somebody who could help you take down ISIS?" Ugly Bob asked. "Somebody who is an experienced warrior?"

"I'd call you a butt-fucking-liar," Terrance answered.

"Follow me!" Ugly Bob began to walk away. Shrugging, Terrance and Phillip decided they had nothing better to do and followed him. Ugly Bob led them outside of Montreal, into the dangerous forests of Quebec. "This way," he said, taking point.

"Aren't there Dire Bears in these woods?" Phillip asked. "You know what a Dire Bear is, right?"

"Of course I do, friend," Ugly Bob answered. "They're like bears… only dire."

As if on cue, the trio was attacked by a Dire Bear. It stood up on its hind legs as it prepared to attack. "Jesus!" Phillip yelled. "Run!" The group ran as they were chased by the Dire Bear, with the woods getting thicker and thicker around them. Eventually, there came a point where the trees were so dense, they couldn't move forward. Terrance, Phillip, and Ugly Bob turned around as the Dire Bear closed in on them.

"Well, old friend, it looks like this is the end!" Phillip exclaimed. "Any last words before we're brutally mauled?" Terrance farted, sending both Terrance and Phillip into hysterical laughter.

Suddenly, before the Dire Bear could go for the kill, it was grabbed from behind. Its beady eyes widened as whoever grabbed it swung it around, faster and faster. They let go, sending it flying into the sky.

Terrance, Phillip, and Ugly Bob stared up at the sky. "What the hell was that?" Terrance asked.

"I'm glad you could make it," Ugly Bob commented. "Garnet. We need your help."

Garnet, the woman who saved Terrance and Phillip, simply stared at Ugly Bob, turned, and left.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"Who the hell is this?" Phillip asked.

"This is Garnet," Ugly Bob explained. "She's an outcast, like me. We've been surviving in the woods together."

Suddenly, Garnet began to glow, and two smaller people took her place. "We said we wouldn't do that again…" the blue one muttered.

"And that's Ruby and Sapphire," Ugly Bob continued explaining. "They're Garnet's components."

"This doesn't make any sense!" Terrance exclaimed.

"Hold on, Terrance," Phillip placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I think I've figured everything out."

"Really? Then explain it to me."

After a beat of silence, Phillip farted in his friend's face, and both began to laugh. Ugly Bob followed Ruby and Sapphire. "Ruby, Sapphire, wait up, friends!" He leaned over to Terrance and Phillip, who were also following. "They're getting a divorce. It's quite tragic, really."

"It's for the best," Sapphire commented. "Together, we enabled a terrible, terrible monster."

"And now one of our friends is dead because of it!" Ruby exclaimed. "God, I'm so mad, right now!"

"You're mad? It was your irrational thinking that led to this."

"Yeah, well, YOU should have seen it coming!"

"I should have seen that you would act irrationally, yes, that is correct."

"I'm sorry, are we interrupting something?" Terrance asked.

"Yes," Ruby and Sapphire responded in unison, before continuing to walk away.

"Listen, we need your help!" Ugly Bob pleaded. "ISIS has used the war to take over Quebec, and Terrance and Phillips wives have been kidnapped."

"Oh, great. That makes four Internet ships this war has destroyed," Sapphire said flatly. "Lapidot, Garnet, now Terrance, Phillip, and their wives. We sure are good at this." She paused. "And before you ask how I know your names, don't worry about it. I just do."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Terrance asked. Phillip farted, causing them both to laugh.

"You don't want our help," Ruby said, turning away from the flatulent duo. "We're the reason you're in this mess."

"While we were together, we were partially responsible for the war that plagues this nation now," Sapphire explained. "It was a rather shortsighted decision, in hindsight."

"Wow. You're a dick!" Phillip accused.

"Quite."

It was at the point that Terrance, Phillip, and Ugly Bob realized that about half of the forest was beginning to freeze over. The other half of the forest was on fire. "Um…" Ugly Bob began to hum, partly out of confusion, and partly out of fear. "Well, regardless, you owe us, buddy. You know. For starting the war and everything."

"I believe we just saved your lives," Sapphire pointed out. "That more than repays our debt."

"There you go again, thinking in absolutes and false equivalences!" Ruby criticized. "Gah, you're so frustrating sometimes!"

"Wrong. A false equivalence would have been if I'd justified my unwillingness to help by pointing out that the Canadians were complicit in the Rwandan Genocide. Which they were."

Terrance and Phillip inched closer to the center of the group as they noticed that the forest was getting simultaneously hotter and colder. "Okay, that's great, can we go now?" Terrance asked.

"You need to stop THINKING with your big, stupid brain, and start ACTING with your HEART!" Ruby pleaded.

"Acting with our heart is what caused us to start the war in the first place."

"That wasn't US! That was PEARL! SHE'S the one who started everything, it's all HER fault!"

"And why didn't we do anything to stop her?"

"I…" Ruby trailed off. "Because, we… they… they hurt Steven. Sometimes it's… it's hard to think clearly when someone you love is in danger."

Ruby and Sapphire stood together in silence as the forest around them simultaneously burned and froze.

"I think we BOTH acted irrationally," Sapphire admitted. "What we did was a two-gem job. We're both to blame."

"Yeah, I… I guess we are," sighed Ruby. She looked so ashamed. Sapphire was also ashamed, but because her hair covered that big gross cyclops eye, you wouldn't have been able to tell. "...but… doesn't that also mean we can both fix it?"

Sapphire moved in closer. "Yes… yes it does…" The two Gems began to embrace. Their lips pressed together as they began to glow. Suddenly, Garnet took their place, looking far more confident now than she did a few moments ago.

"Together," she finished, smiling.

Terrance, Phillip, and Ugly Bob stared up at Garnet, confused. The forest had stopped burning and freezing. "What the fuck was that?!" Terrance exclaimed. Phillip farted.

"Come on," Garnet said, taking off. "We have to rescue your wives!"

* * *

Saddam Hussein examined a blueprint he'd found of a rocket capable of traversing the galaxy. "Hmm, yes!" he said gleefully. "This will do just fine!"

"It certainly will!" Abu said, appearing suddenly and snatching the blueprint out of Saddam's hands. "What did I tell you, Saddam?"

"Hey, relax, guy! I was just doing a bit of personal study!"

Two ISIS insurgents entered the room. "Sir! The palace has been invaded!"

"What?! By who?!" Abu asked.

* * *

Terrance, Phillip, Ugly Bob, and Garnet ran through the palace's lower corridors. They came across the room where the beheading of the Queef Sisters was to take place. The sisters were being held by a big, buff guy, while a British guy stood next to them with a big cleaver. A third guy was filming it with a camera.

"Get your hands off of our wives, you penises!" Terrance yelled.

"Oh, shit!" the man with the cleaver exclaimed. "How the fuck did you get in here?!"

Saddam and Abu arrived with several armed guards. "Hey, buddy, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Saddam yelled. "Fucking kill them!"

The guards opened fire. Garnet blocked several bullets with her gauntlet-covered hands, like Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back, or like Wonder Woman in the only good DC Extended Universe movie thus far. "Is that all you got?" she taunted with a cocky grin. One guard tossed a grenade, and Garnet frowned. Thinking quickly, she unfused; Ruby grabbed Terrance and Phillip, and Sapphire grabbed Ugly Bob, and they jumped away from the explosion.

The Queef Sisters used this distraction to queef in their captors' faces, and they ran, rejoining Terrance, Phillip, and Ruby. They were cornered now, however, with no way out. "Aw, shit!" Terrance said. "Looks like we're pretty fucked!" Phillip farted, causing them both to erupt into laughter. It also gave Ruby an idea.

"Terrance, Phillip," Ruby began, "I need you to fart on my head."

The Canadian comedy duo blinked. "What?" Terrance asked.

"There's no time to explain. Fart on me."

"Is this a sexual thing?"

"Just fart on me!"

"I don't know. What do you think, Phillip?"

Phillip shook his head. "Such childishness is beneath us!"

"FART ON MY FACE RIGHT NOW!" Ruby yelled, now enraged. Her hair suddenly caught fire as she shouted this, and Terrance and Phillip both jumped up and farted on her. The trail of methane caused the flame to expand, and it shot towards the ISIS soldiers.

"Aw, shit," Abu muttered as he and his gang were instantly immolated and reduced to ash. Only Saddam Hussein was left standing.

"Holy shit, you guys weren't fucking around!" he exclaimed.

"Did you mean to completely incinerate them?" Sapphire asked, turning her head towards Ruby.

Ruby looked a little worried. "Uh. No."

"Ah, who cares, it was ISIS!" Phillip waved it off. "What matters is that we saved our wives!"

"Yeah, but… like… those guys are DEAD." Ruby said, still staring at the piles of ash in front of her.

"It was _ISIS!"_

"Yeah, but-"

"ISIS!"

"Hey, wait, where did Saddam Hussein go?" Ugly Bob asked. The former dictator was gone. Suddenly, the room began to shake.

"What the fuck's going on now?!" Terrance exclaimed.

The group exited the palace and stared into the sky just in time to watch as Saddam Hussein rode a huge rocket into the Earth's upper atmosphere.

"So long, suckers!" Saddam yelled. "I'll see you all in Hell, probably!" The rocket shot into space, never to be seen again.

"He got away!" Ugly Bob exclaimed. "Shit."

"Don't worry," Garnet reassured them, having re-fused. She adjusted her visor. "He won't get far."

"...it looks like he's getting pretty far to me," Terrance said. Phillip farted, causing them both, as well as their wives, to erupt into laughter. Ugly Bob sighed.

"Well, I suppose it's back to the forest for Ugly Bob," he lamented. As he walked away, Garnet placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Beauty is subjective," she said. "You should go where you're happiest, Handsome Bob."

Suddenly, several American planes flew over Montreal. "Oh, what now?" Terrance asked. Scott the Dick walked past.

"The French and the English just declared war on the United States!" he exclaimed. "It's World War fucking III, now, nowhere in Canada is safe!"

Garnet frowned. This needed to stop, now. "You all need to get to safety. If you head further into the countryside, you should be safe." She turned around and started walking away.

"Where the hell are you going?" Scott asked.

"I'm going to go put a stop to this, before it's too late." Garnet turned slightly. "I'm not going to let another coffin rest on my conscience." Suddenly, she began to sprint south, towards the US-Canadian border, and in the blink of an eye, she was gone.

Air raid sirens began to wail throughout Montreal. "ATTENTION! ATTENTION! Buddies, guys, and friends, evacuate IMMEDIATELY. This is not a drill—Quebec is being invaded. Please move to the previously discussed evacuation routes and get to shelter!"

"Well, this sucks," Terrance groaned. "And worst of all, Saddam Hussein STILL got away."

"I wonder where he is now," Ugly Bob pondered.

* * *

Yellow Diamond sat on her throne and managed colonies with her iPhone-like device. But it wasn't an iPhone, because that would have been ridiculous. And she definitely wasn't playing _The Simpsons: Tapped Out_ or anything like that. Nope. She was not procrastinating. Not at all. Suddenly, two Quartz soldiers ran into the room.

"My Diamond!" one of them said, saluting. "The capitol has been invaded!"

Yellow Diamond's eyes widened, and she glared at the Quartzes. "What?! How did they get past your guards?"

"He just kind of…. walked in."

"Excuse me?"

Suddenly, Saddam Hussein waltzed into the room, carrying a suitcase in each hand. "Hey, this place is pretty nice!" he said with a cocky grin. "I think I'll stay a while!"

* * *

 **A/N: Try not to take this one too seriously… obviously.**


	18. Chapter 17: Lion 5: PC Retcon

Mr. Garrison wrote the day's lesson plan on the chalkboard. "Alright, class, today we're going to begin talking a little bit about the War of 1812. Now can anybody tell me what two major European powers were constantly at war, as we discussed last time?"

Stan raised his hand. "You told us it was 'those limey island bastards' and 'the pussies with the wine'."

"That's right, Stanley, at this time, the British and the French were almost constantly at war. Now, the United States, at the time a very young nation, participated in quite a bit of overseas trade with-"

Suddenly, Steven barged into the room. Connie was right behind him. "Hey guys, Crystal Renegades emergency team meeting in five. Meet me at the South Park Community Center," he said.

Garrison glared at Steven. "Who keeps letting you in? Oh, and I see your friend has a sword, oh, that sure is safe, oh, good to know this school has such amazing security. Oh, and it looks like you brought a live lion with you, too, oh, good to know you're so frickin' good with animals! Oh, this country's future is in such great hands!"

Steven blinked and stared blankly at Mr. Garrison. "Uh, do you mind if I borrow some of your students?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, Steven, yes, I do. Can it wait?"

"...I guess…" Steven looked over at the kids. "Uh, important meeting… whenever you get out of school." He, Connie, and Lion left, although he was a little annoyed because, truth be told, nobody had ever told him "no" before when he was dealing with something like this. It was new and he didn't like it.

Garrison smiled and returned to teaching. "Alright, class, now who can tell me what a 'tariff' is?"

Steven, Connie, Peridot, and Amethyst waited for hours. Steven had his arms crossed. "...I can't believe he told me 'no'..." he muttered.

"Where is everyone?" Granite asked as she paced the room.

"They're in school!" Steven exclaimed, still super annoyed. "This is, like, really important, and they're in school!"

"Shouldn't WE be in school?" Connie pondered. "Oh, man, I'm probably so behind by now…"

Suddenly, most of South Park Elementary's students began pouring into the community center. "Finally!" Steven groaned. "Do you guys know how much it sucks to WAIT?"

"What's this all about?" Stan asked.

"Yeah, Mr. Garrison gave us all a bunch of homework," Clyde said. "This better be important."

"It is!" Steven assured. "Peridot?"

Peridot nodded. "Ahem. Recently, it's come to my attention that we are severely under-equipped to fight the Crystal Gems, and we've already suffered one heavy casualty because of it." She paused for a moment as she tried to push that thought out of her mind. "Uh… Anyway… while it would be best if it didn't come to that again, realistically speaking we're going to come to blows again. But it's not just them. Pearl is the President now. They have the United States military behind them. As well as the Secret Service, the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the Kremlin…"

"They don't have the FBI on their side anymore," Clyde pointed out, not looking up from his phone. "The FBI just raided the Crystal Gems' temple."

Steven raised an eyebrow. "They did?"

"Yeah, your dad's in jail now. Check it out, the President's talking about it at a meeting with her generals right now."

Clyde handed Steven his phone, which was playing a CNN broadcast.

"So I just heard that they broke into our temple in Beach City," Pearl said as press cameras around her flashed. She looked horrible. This was not the Pearl that Steven knew. Her eyes were sunken in, her hair was a mess, she looked so… tired. The presidency was taking a toll on her. "And, uh… it's a disgraceful situation, it's a total witch hunt, I've been saying it since I became President… here we are, talking about Canada, we're talking about very serious things with the greatest fighting force ever, and I have this witch hunt constantly going on, for… for a long time, now, you could say it was even before I got involved in politics it started. And it's a disgrace, it's frankly a real disgrace, it's an attack on our country in a true sense, it's an attack on what we all stand for… So, when I saw this, and when I heard it, I heard it like you did, I said, 'that is really now on a whole new level of unfairness'. This is the most conflicted group of people I've ever seen. The attorney general made a terrible mistake when he recused himself."

A reporter raised his hand. "Ms. President, why don't you just fire Bob Mueller?"

Pearl crossed her arms and leaned back in her seat. "Why don't I just fire Mueller?" They were, of course, referring to the Special Counsel investigator at the FBI who'd been investigating the Crystal Gems' activities since Peridot's stint as Mayor last year.

"Yeah, just fire the guy."

"Well, I think it's a disgrace what's going on, we'll see what happens, but I think it's REALLY a sad situation when you look at what happened, and many people have said, 'you should fire him', so, we'll see… I'm here to talk about Canada. This is a pure and simple witch hunt. Thank you." The members of the press began shouting out their questions at Pearl as everyone was ushered out. "Thank you," Pearl repeated.

"Will Rod Rosenstein keep his job?" a reporter asked as she was being shoved out.

Pearl glared and learned forward. "Thank you all very much!" she said, still trying to get people out of her office. "Thank you! Thank you all, please, get out."

The broadcast ended here. Steven looked so upset. "What… happened to Pearl? She's like a totally different person, now!"

"I'll tell you what happened," Peridot said, glaring at the image on the phone. "She's cracked under the pressure. She knows that she's beyond the moral event horizon and she's completely given up on doing the right thing."

Peridot pointed to Bismuth, who was sitting next to Pearl. "And SHE'S definitely not helping. They both need to be taken out if we're to end this war. But, like I said, they have MOST of the government on their side. Excluding the Federal Bureau of Investigation."

"How can we possibly hope to fight that?" Wendy asked. "Even IF we could arm all of the Renegades, which is ethically unsound as it is, the only way to stop them would be to kill them, which is also wrong."

"Which is why I've developed this!" Peridot beamed, holding up the AR-15 she'd purchased two weeks ago.

"Cool, you bought a gun. That's going to stop them," Craig said flatly.

"This is no ordinary assault weapon!" Peridot explained. It was at this point that the children noticed that the gun had been heavily modified. Parts of it… glowed, now. "Over the last week, I have been examining the internals of this device and making the appropriate modifications for what we need to do. With a little help from some Homeworld technology, which I managed to procure from a couple of defectors in orbit, I believe I am on the verge of constructing a homemade light disruptor! Observe!"

Peridot nodded to Amethyst, who groaned and stood on a pedestal. "Amethyst has volunteered to be my demonstration! Hold still, please."

"Can we just get this over with?"

"Watch, as I non-lethally incapacitate Amethyst in a matter of seconds!" Peridot took aim, and pulled the trigger. A burst of green light shot forth from the weapon and hit Amethyst, who became covered in green spots and poofed, leaving only her gem behind. "Behold! Amethyst has been defeated, and yet, as you'll notice, her Gemstone is entirely unharmed!"

The kids stared at Amethyst's Gem as it lay on the floor. "Does… does that hurt?" Stan asked.

"Oh, it's excruciating!" Peridot replied gleefully. "BUT! It is not lethal! Amethyst is going to regenerate in a few hours, good as new."

"And what happens if you use it on a human?" Wendy asked.

Peridot smirked, and looked over at Kenny. "Oh, Kenny? Would you please step over here?"

Kenny's eyes widened. "Me?"

"Yes, you," Peridot nodded. Truthfully, the device hadn't been tested on a human, yet. Therefore, Peridot wanted to test it on someone who could recover on the off chance that the effects it had on people were lethal.

Also, Lapis died protecting Kenny, so this was, like, an outlet for a lot of the anger Peridot had been bottling up.

Sighing, Kenny stepped onto the pedestal, kicking Amethyst across the floor as he did so.

"Hey!" Steven scolded, glaring and picking the Gem up. "Be careful!"

"Watch and learn!" Peridot said. She demonstrated the device again, this time aiming it at Kenny. When it hit him, his eyes widened, and he felt a single shock go through his entire body. It… actually wasn't that painful. His whole body tingled. Regardless, he was still paralyzed, and fell over. The kids all stared at his unmoving body for several seconds.

"Oh my god!" Stan yelled. "She killed-"

Kenny groaned, and rolled onto his side. "I'm fine, I'm fine…" he muttered.

"Oh, never mind."

Peridot grinned. Her device was a success! "And there you have it, folks! A projectile device capable of temporarily incapacitating Gems and humans without doing them any permanent harm! I'm going to call that a RESOUNDING success! Now that I have the formula perfected, I just need to get the device to fit into a smaller form factor and create copies."

The kids stared at her. "So you don't have guns for us right now?" Cartman asked.

"Well, no, but-"

"Awwwww!" the kids all groaned in disappointment and started to walk away en masse. On his way out, Steven stopped Stan.

"Hey, Stan, can I ask you something?" he said.

"Uh, yeah, sure, what is it?"

"Does your dad ever talk about… back then?" Steven asked. "You know… with my mom?"

Stan shook his head. "No. He doesn't. Ever since the war started it's like he's… been trying to pretend that part of his life never happened. Why?"

Steven sighed. "Something went down between my mom and Canada, years ago, but nobody will tell me anything. Not even the Canadian Gems will tell me. Normally, I can trust Lion to help me out, but he's…" Steven looked over at his pet Lion, who was curled up in the corner of the room sleeping. "...not being helpful."

Stan put his hand on his chin. "I wonder what happened…"

Suddenly, one of Lion's ears perked up. He stretched, and yawned, before walking over to Stan and Steven and grabbing both of them in his mouth. "Uh? Lion?" Steven said nervously.

"What the hell is he doing?"

"I have no idea."

Lion dragged Steven and Stan all the way to Main Street before dropping them, yawning, and lying back down. "Lion!" Steven scolded. "What was that for?"

"Why did he take us here?" Stan asked. Steven looked up at the sign above them.

 _Freeman's Tacos._

"Huh… maybe there's something in here that'll help us?" Steven said. "Lion works in mysterious ways, sometimes. And sometimes, he doesn't think about the things he does… at ALL! Sometimes he'll only respond if you have food, and sometimes he poops on the floor just because he knows it'll make you angry. He's like a house cat, only… bigger. Do you think bears are the same way, except with dogs?"

Stan stared at Steven in total silence, with a blank expression on his face for several seconds. Finally, he shook his head and said, "Let's head inside."

The two boys entered Freeman's Tacos, where Steven was immediately caught off-guard by the fact that Morgan Freeman was standing behind the counter. "Morgan Freeman?"

"Welcome to Freeman's Tacos," Morgan Freeman greeted, his voice as golden and silky as always. "Would you like to try a sample of our new Spicy Quesarito?"

"What are you doing here?" Steven asked, approaching the counter. "Aren't you, like, in movies right now?"

"As the sole proprietor of Freeman's Tacos, I am obliged to serve delicious Mexican cuisine to the people of South Park."

Steven blinked, and tilted his head in confusion. "But… why did you open a Mexican restaurant in the first place? You're not even Mexican."

PC Principal, who was sitting nearby, looked up from his meal and glared at Steven. "Did I just hear a micro aggression?"

Steven raised his eyebrows as PC Principal walked over to him. "What? No, I-"

"Are you implying that because Mr. Freeman here is of African American descent, and not Mexican, he would be better off opening a soul food establishment, or perhaps a KFC?"

This went to a really weird place fast. Steven held his hands up. "Whoa, no, I didn't say that!"

"You certainly implied it."

"I-I'm not a racist, I promise!"

"Leave him alone, PC Principal," Freeman said. "He doesn't think about his words, sometimes, he doesn't know how racist he can be."

"I'm not racist!"

"Well, alright," PC Principal agreed. "Just remember, Universe; your words carry meaning. Try be a little more sensitive next time. Unabashed racism has no place in South Park."

Steven, having given up, just stared at his feet. "Sorry."

"Hey, look!" Stan said, turning his head. "It's the New Kid!"

The New Kid was sitting nearby with his parents, eating what appeared to be an enchirito. "Who's the New Kid?" Steven asked.

"He just moved to South Park last year," Stan explained. "He helped us save the town from aliens, Nazi Zombies, Mitch Conner, and Shub Niggurath."

"He also has incredible control over his sphincter," Morgan Freeman continued Stan's thought.

"What does that mean?" Steven asked.

"It means he can control time with his asshole," Stan answered.

"...come again?"

"It sounds crazy, I know, but I saw it myself. He has some kind of… magical fart superpower."

Steven thought about it for a moment. "...he can control time…" An idea popped into his head. "Like… time travel?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"And this is all real. Not a game?"

"Totally real."

Steven looked back over at the New Kid. "Stan… we might be able to figure out what my mom did to Canada after all!"

Stan shook his head. "He can only go into his own past, or the pasts of people around him."

Steven lifted his shirt, revealing his Gem. "I am my mom."

Stan didn't quite know what Steven meant by that. "You mean you share a lot of her values?"

"No. I mean I am my mom."

"Like… you resemble her, or…?"

"I literally am my own mother."

Stan blinked. "I don't think that's going to work."

Steven pointed out the window at Lion. "Lion took us here against our will! That means he wants us to be here, which means the New Kid can take me into my mom's past!"

"Or he just wants you to buy him a chicken chalupa!"

"Maybe it's both! We won't know unless we try!"

Stan looked over Steven's shoulder and stared at the New Kid, who had finally noticed the argument. He sighed. "Alright, fine. We can try."

"You boys be careful," Morgan Freeman cautioned. "The New Kid's Time Gland is still recovering from the 'Fractured But Whole' incident."

Stan and Steven approached the New Kid. "Hey, New Kid, we need your help," Stan said. "I won't waste your time; we need to go back in time. Can you do that for us?"

The New Kid's dad raised an eyebrow. "Are these your friends, son?"

The New Kid, a voluntary mute, nodded, and silently stood up out of his chair. He motioned for Stan and Steven to follow him, which they did, until they were once again standing in front of Freeman's Tacos. Lion perked up and stared curiously at the New Kid, who seemed unfazed by the actual lion that was examining him.

Morgan Freeman stepped outside. "I'd best come with you. Time travelling this far into the past carries a great deal of risk."

Steven nodded. "Just like in Back to the Future… we can't do anything to change the past, or else we'll create a paradox, right?"

"Something like that."

Steven looked over at the New Kid. "Okay, New Kid. We need to go back in time. Uh… about twenty years ago, that should work, right?"

Stan shrugged. "Maybe?"

The New Kid took a bite of his spicy quesorito. Immediately, he could feel the gaseous, time-distorting buildup in his body. He began to let it out, first as a slow, low fart.

Lion suddenly looked disgusted, and glared at the New Kid. Steven, similarly, couldn't stand the smell, and covered his face with his shirt, as the New Kid continued to rip ass so hard he ripped a hole in space and time. The fart grew in volume and intensity. And in smell. Mostly in smell.

PC Principal stepped outside. "What exactly are you all doing out here?" he asked.

Suddenly, the New Kid's time-disrupting ass-rippage completely left his body all a once, covering the area in a large, dense, smelly mushroom cloud. Once the air had cleared, Steven coughed super hard. "Ack! Agh, that's– what WAS that?!"

Stan looked around. "Did it work? Are we in the past?"

Morgan Freeman looked up at his place of business. It no longer held a "Freeman's Taco's" sign. In fact, it appeared nobody occupied the building at all. "I believe it did work," Freeman commented.

Steven saw a nearby newspaper, and grabbed it. "April 11th, 1998. It worked! We're exactly twenty years into the past!"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "But… I'm right there!"

"Huh?"

They glanced across the street. Sure enough, past versions of Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman were walking down the sidewalk. "I don't know what to do, dude!" Past Stan exclaimed. "If Wendy finds out I ruined our art project, she'll never want to talk to me again!"

"Maybe you should look for the Art Monkey!" Cartman suggested. His voice sounded… different. Like some twenty-eight year old was straining his throat really hard to do it. "I heard that the Art Monkey can fix anything!"

"There's no such thing as the 'Art Monkey', Cartman," Kyle said, shaking his head.

"Shut up, Jew, my mom told me all about the Art Monkey!"

Steven frowned as the boys left his sight. "If we're in 1998, how can you be here? You weren't even born yet!"

"It appears that trying to go into your mother's past through your Gemstone has created a time anomaly," Morgan Freeman explained, a new freckle appearing on his face. "We have split the timestream, and simultaneously entered Rose Quartz's timeline as well as Stanley's timeline, causing both timelines to appear as one."

"What the hell is going on?!" PC Principal asked. Everyone stared at him.

"And it appears that PC Principal has accidentally time travelled with us," Freeman continued. "Truly, we have torn space and time a new one."

Lion yawned, and went back to sleep, his heavy snores beginning immediately.

"This was a bad idea," Steven admitted. "Let's go back."

The New Kid nodded, and attempted to Time Fart again… but he couldn't. Nothing would come out. He looked worried, now.

"The New Kid has fractured his butthole," Morgan Freeman realized. "He won't be able to bring us back to 2018 until we get that fixed. You boys had better go, and see if you can learn what you came here to learn. I will stay here with the New Kid and Lion while we attempt to fix the New Kid's Time Gland."

Steven adopted a determined glare, and nodded. "Okay. Stan, let's go."

"Don't change anything about the past," Morgan Freeman warned. "And don't interact with your past self, Stanley. As for you, Steven, if you find your mother, don't talk to her. You might further complicate the timestream."

"Got it. Let's go, Stan." Steven and Stan began walking through South Park.

"And what do you want me to do?" PC Principal asked, turning to Morgan Freeman.

"I suppose you might as well explore the town," Freeman said, shrugging. "There's not much you can do here."

PC Principal shrugged, picked a direction, and started walking.

Steven and Stan took in their surroundings. "Gee, South Park looked a lot different in 1998," Steven commented.

"Yeah, everything was a lot crappier," responded Stan. "So, I'm wondering…"

"What's up?"

"If your mom lived in Beach City… why did we get dropped off in South Park?" Stan asked. "If we're supposed to be exploring your mom's timeline, shouldn't we be in Beach City right now?"

"Well, Morgan Freeman said your timeline is affecting everything," Steven reasoned. "Besides, the Crystal Gems travelled all the time. Maybe they came to South Park for some reason."

Stan furrowed his eyebrows. "So then why did my dad say he hadn't seen any of them since the 80s… unless he's… hiding something?"

Steven looked at Stan with worry. "You don't think your dad cheated on your mom, do you?"

"Well, 1998… in the regular timeline my sister wasn't born until 2004, and I don't even know if my parents were married before that." Stan looked over at Steven. "What about you? Aren't you upset at the idea that maybe your mom cheated on your dad before you were born?"

Steven scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously. "Haha, uh, I actually gave up on trying to reconcile myself with my mom's moral character. The more I learn about her, the more I realize she wasn't exactly a great person. I wouldn't be surprised at this point."

"Jeez…" Stan looked around. They were coming up on the street he and Kyle lived on. "Well, there's only one way to find out if my dad's been lying to me."

Steven and Stan glanced through the window into Stan's living room… of 1998, maybe. "Wait, if we're in two separate years simultaneously, what happens if the Rose Quartz from 1998 bumps into the Randy Marsh from… whatever year it is for him?" Steven asked.

"I think it's 1998 all around," Stan muttered. "Mixing the timelines displaced the past versions of me and my friends and put us in 1998, temporarily."

"How do you know that?"

"Movies. Duh." Stan pointed into the living room, where his dad was sitting on the couch, watching a football game on an old 90s CRT. "So to him, it's 1998, but it's ALSO two years ago. His memories are being mixed up right now. Come on." Stan started moving towards the door, but Steven grabbed his arm and stopped him.

"What are you doing?!" Steven asked in a hushed tone. "We can't mess with the past!"

"The past version of me isn't in there, he's trying to figure out how to fix Wendy's art project," Stan said. "I remember this day. I won't be home for another few hours. If my dad from 1998 sees me, he won't suspect anything's wrong because the other me hasn't been home yet. Therefore, we aren't messing with the timeline, we're blending in."

Steven put a finger on his chin. "I guess that makes sense…" he muttered. "But what if- wait, where did you go?"

Steven looked back into the window and saw that Stan had walked in. Groaning, he walked in too, just in time to hear Stan greet his dad. "Hey, dad."

"Hey, Stanley. Did you finish your art project?" Randy asked. Something was… off about him. His movement was stilted, his speech was slower and more deliberate, and his tone was overall less exaggerated. It kind of creeped Steven out, but Stan didn't seem to notice.

Stan shook his head. "Uh, not yet, I'm gonna be going back out in a minute. Hey, dad, can I ask you a question?"

"Who's your friend?"

Stan glanced at Steven. "This is… Keith. Uh, Keith David. He's a friend from school."

"Why are we using a fake name?" Steven whispered.

"Because, dumbass, he knows you in the future. If we tell him your real name, it'll break time."

"Oh."

Stan's dad raised an eyebrow. "Is something wrong, Stan?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to ask you a question." Stan glanced at Steven again. "So, uh, Keith's mom died, and his dad remarried."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," Randy said, looking at 'Keith'.

"Uh, it was a long time ago," Steven said.

"Anyway," Stan said, "that got me thinking. Did you ever date anyone before mom?"

"Nope," Randy responded without missing a beat. "I've known your mother since we were kids."

Stan was glaring at his father now. "But you can't have been together forever, right?" he said very slowly. "Surely there was… someone else in between, at some point?"

Randy thought about it for a moment. "Hmmm. Nope. Your mother's the only one."

Stan continued to glare. "I see. Come on, Keith. We need to go finish my art project…"

"Okay, kids, have fun," Randy said as he returned to watching his game.

"He's full of shit," Stan grumbled as the boys stepped out of the house.

"I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this…" Steven said.

"Yeah, my dad cheated on my mom and he doesn't want any of us finding out! Why else would he hide Rose Quartz from us?"

Steven couldn't find a reason, but there HAD to be one. He didn't have long to think about it, however as he and Stan were approached by a large African American man in a chef's hat with a mustache. He also had a large apron on with the word "Chef" printed across the front. "Hello there, children!" the man greeted.

Stan snapped out of his internal stewing to realize that he was speaking to somebody he hadn't seen in a while. His eyes widened as he once again tried to not give away that he was from the future. "Shit! Uh, hey Chef!"

Chef smiled. "How's it goin'?"

"Uh, good, good!" Stan realized that he had actually seen Chef earlier in the day, while looking for the Art Monkey. Hopefully, Chef wouldn't get too suspicious…

"...hey, hold on a second, children. Didn't I see you at Eric's house five minutes ago?"

"Shit! Steven, we have to go!"

"Why, what's-?" Suddenly, the ground began to shake, and the area around them began to 'glitch'. Their surroundings changed; now, they were standing outside of South Park Elementary. "WHOA! What was that?!"

Chef raised an eyebrow. "What the hell is going on?" He soon glitched as well, and returned to his smile. "Hello there, children!"

Stan started freaking out. He broke time! "Shit! We fucked up, Steven! We fucked up!"

Chef frowned. He looked a little confused. "Uh… goodbye." Chef just walked away, leaving the children to whatever they were up to.

"Where are we now?" Steven asked.

"I think it's a different day." Stan turned around and peered into the window. "Look, there I am."

Mr. Garrison began writing on the chalkboard. "Okay, class, today we're going to be learning about Christopher Columbus. Mr. Hat, would you like to tell the kids about what Columbus did?"

"In 1492, Columbus got kids a day off school!" Mr. Hat recited.

Cartman smiled. "Kickass," he said, his voice still low and gravelly.

Steven frowned. "So now we're jumping around time?"

"I guess," Stan replied.

"Jeez. I hope PC Principal's okay."

PC Principal walked through the terrifying world that was South Park in 1998. If he thought South Park was bad when he got there, it was even worse before that. Everywhere he looked, there were microaggressions and outright hateful comments.

"Hey, Jim, didja see that faggot that waltzed into Skeeter's last night?" one man asked his friend.

Jim laughed. "Yeah, he was so drunk he was stumbling all over the place like a fuckin' retard."

"Yeah, or a cripple, or something."

PC Principal groaned. "You know, you guys shouldn't be saying those words."

Jim and his friend looked at each other. "Why not?" Jim asked.

"Because! They're very offensive and hurtful!"

Jim laughed. "Okay, retard."

"Hey Jim, did you hear that the First Lady has a penis?"

"Hey, I didn't know Hillary Clinton was a tranny!"

PC Principal groaned again and tried to remove himself from the situation. He passed another group of people. "Hey, how do you think that scandal with the President's gonna go?" one man asked another.

"What, you mean that fat skank who sucked Clinton's dick? Who cares about that, sometimes a guy's gotta get a little head on the side, you know?"

"Yeah. I doubt those retards in Congress will do anything about it, anyway."

PC Principal wanted to scream. He moved to a different part of the street.

"Hey, Bob, fuck women and minorities, am I right?"

"Haha, yeah! Fuck women and minorities."

"AHHHHH!" PC Principal yelled. "It's too much! This is too much! Jesus fucking Christ, what is wrong with you people?"

"Hey now!" Jim scolded. "Do NOT use the lord's name like that!"

"Yeah!" Bob agreed. "That's just offensive and ignorant."

PC Principal dramatically pulled off his sunglasses. "You're offensive and ignorant, bro! You wanna fuckin' go?!"

"Yeah, we'll kick your ass!" Jim yelled.

"Not if I kick your ass first, bro! 1998 South Park doesn't have shit on me, bro!" PC Principal blocked a punch from Jim, before grabbing his arm and tossing him over his shoulder. It was on.

Steven and Stan continued to walk through South Park. "I wonder where the Crystal Gems are…" Steven wondered aloud. "We still haven't seen them. But we're exploring my mom's timeline, so they HAVE to be nearby, right?"

"Steven, look!" Stan pointed across the street. Randy Marsh was crossing the road, but he looked… younger. "That must be the actual 1998 version of my dad."

"Where do you think he's going?"

"Let's follow him." The two boys followed Randy a little bit out of town, into the woods. "Where the hell are you going, dad?"

"Look, he's stopping. Let's hide!" Steven said as he and Stan ran behind a tree.

"Are you out here?" Randy called out into the trees. "I… got your letter."

Steven peeked around the corner, and gasped at what he saw.

Rose Quartz, the mother he had never met, yet who was always with him in the form of their gemstone, walked out into the clearing, dressed in the same white dress he always saw in pictures and videos of her. She was beautiful. This was the closest he'd ever been to seeing her in person. As much as he resented the person that he was starting to learn she was, he couldn't help but long to meet her. And now that she was right here…

"Hello, Randy," Rose greeted. "It's been a while."

"Listen, Rose, we can't keep doing this," Randy protested. "Things with my girlfriend, Sharon, they're… they're getting pretty serious. I think I love her."

"I thought you loved me?" Rose asked, tilting her head.

"I do, I do, but… you keep disappearing. I don't see you for months and months at a time."

"You were the one who left to join that boy band," Rose reminded him.

"Yeah, and when I got back, you were in a relationship with that Greg guy," Randy shot back. "You moved on, so I did too. Why can't we just leave it at that?"

"Because I miss you, silly," Rose giggled. "Greg is great and all, but sometimes you need a little change."

"That's one of his songs. You're quoting one of his songs."

"Your point?"

Randy rolled his eyes. "Look, Rose, we need to end this-" Rose suddenly moved forward and kissed Randy, causing both Stan and Steven to start glaring.

"Pieces of shit!" Stan yelled. This distracted Steven momentarily, as Stan was quite loud.

"Stan, sshhhh!" Steven covered Stan's mouth and ducked back behind the tree.

"What the hell was that?" Randy asked, pushing Rose off of him and turning to stare out into the woods. "Hello? Who's out there?"

Suddenly, Stan and Steven's surroundings glitched again. They were back at South Park Elementary, this time in the playground. "Oh, great, where are we now?" Steven asked.

"You don't think they're really gonna kill Terrance and Phillip, do you?" the boys heard from across the playground. Looking over at source of the noise, Stan saw himself, as well as Kyle and Cartman.

"Kyle, you need to stop being such a chickenshit and stand up to your mother!" Cartman demanded. "You need to smack her in the face, and say 'that's enough you fuckin' bitch!'"

"Sheesh!" Steven groaned. "You and your friends really need to wash your mouths out, with like, three different soaps."

"Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!" Kyle yelled.

"You guys stop it, this isn't helping," Past Stan dismissed. "We've gotta think here. Now let's see… what would Brian Boitano do?"

"Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?" Cartman repeated.

Our Stan saw a nearby newspaper. "1999… we jumped a whole year!"

Steven put a finger to his chin. "Hmmm… maybe whatever my mom did to Canada happened here?"

"No, no, this is the first Canadian-American War," Stan corrected. "KYLE'S mom started this one. But… if the time anomaly took us here, that means there's a reason for us to be here. Come on, let's look around. Cartman's just about to sing a song, we can afford to miss it."

Steven and Stan left the playground and began to walk through South Park. "It was kinda weird, watching my mom kiss your dad like that," Steven muttered. "That makes us, like, retroactive step-brothers, or something."

"Ugh…" Stan groaned.

"Hey, I just realized Kenny wasn't with you guys in the playground," Steven said, raising an eyebrow. "What was that about?"

Stan thought for a moment. "I… don't remember. I remember going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie with him, and then… I don't remember where he went after that."

"Weird."

"I kind of remember Cartman daring him to light his farts on fire, like in the movie, but I don't remember if he did it or- Hey, wait, look over there!" Stan cut himself off and pointed across the road.

The Crystal Gems—Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Rose—were facing off against a monster that was wreaking havoc in front of Craig's house. "Man," Amethyst complained, "this thing just doesn't quit!"

"Focus, Amethyst!" Garnet commanded. "We have to-" she stopped, frowned, and turned her head.

She was staring right at Stan and Steven.

"Oh, crap," Steven muttered. "She's looking at us."

Stan raised an eyebrow. "So?"

"So Garnet can see the future. She might find out we're time travelers."

"Oh, shit."

"Garnet, what the 'h' are you lookin' at?!" Amethyst scolded. "Those kids? Come on, we have bigger things to worry about!"

Garnet turned back to the monster. "Right. We need to stay focused."

Steven started to drag Stan away. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"Hang on, if Rose Quartz is right there, we should stick around and see what she does."

"Yeah, but I don't like the way Garnet looked at us." Steven watched as the Crystal Gems continued to battle the monster. "What if we cause a time paradox or something?"

Suddenly, the monster turned its attention to Steven and Stan. It roared and shoved Amethyst off of it, and ran towards the boys.

"Oh, shoot," Steven muttered. "Run!" He and Stan turned around and started to run.

"Can't you fight it?" Stan asked, looking over his shoulder. "We don't have to run!"

"Yeah, I COULD, but all I have on me is my mom's shield! And if Garnet staring at us just now didn't give us away as time travelers, pulling out Rose Quartz's shield while Rose Quartz is standing right there DEFINITELY will!"

Stan groaned. "God damn it. I guess we're running, then!"

Steven stared down at his feet. "Uh, jeez, I really shouldn't have worn sandals today- WHOA!" he yelled as he tripped, falling face-first onto the ground.

"Steven!" Stan yelled as he skidded to a halt. The monster moved over Steven as it prepared to attack. Suddenly, it was impaled through its back by a sharp, pink sword; the monster poofed, leaving behind its Gem. Rose Quartz now stood over Steven, sword in hand.

"Are you alright, child?" Rose asked with a kind smile on her face. She sheathed the sword in her scabbard and held out a hand for Steven.

Steven, on the other hand, was internally freaking out. His mother, his deceased mother who he never met, just saved his life and was now holding out her hand. He moved to grab it, but then he remembered Morgan Freeman's words. He can't interact with any past versions of himself, including Rose Quartz. He quickly recoiled his hand away and yelled.

"Is something wrong?" Rose asked, tilting her head in confusion.

"Uh, no!" Steven denied, standing up quickly. "Uh, thank you for saving me, Ms…"

"You may call me Rose Quartz."

"I know." Shit! "I mean, I don't know! I've never met you before, haha!" he laughed nervously. "That would be… weeeeeeird!"

The Crystal Gems, having surrounded Steven by this point, all stared at him with perplexed looks on their faces. "Man, humans are weird," Amethyst yawned. "Can we go now?"

"You'll have to excuse my friend," Stan said, standing next to Steven. "He's, uh, probably really freaked out by what just happened."

"Well, you're safe now," Rose said, smiling again as she closed her eyes and nodded. "What is your name?"

"Steven Uni-" Stan elbowed Steven. "Uh, De Mayo. Steven De Mayo."

"Are you fucking stupid?" Stan said in a hushed tone.

"Sorry!"

Rose put a finger to her chin and hummed. "Hmmm. Steven. I quite like that name. Steven…"

Stan raised his eyebrows. "Wait, what the fuck?"

"Rose, we need to be going," Pearl said. "These… mm, humans, are unimportant." It was at this point that Pearl realized both Steven and Stan were glaring at her… and that they had been BEFORE she made that tasteless remark. "Can I help you?" Steven and Stan continued to glare at her. "What?" More glaring. "WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

Amethyst snickered. "Well, P, it's official. You're really, really bad with kids."

"I didn't do ANYTHING to these humans!" Pearl denied.

"Yeah, not yet," Stan grumbled.

"What was that?"

Rose giggled. "Come on, Pearl. We need to get going, remember?"

Pearl stopped glaring at Steven and Stan and looked back up at Rose. "Ahem," she cleared her throat. "Yes, of course. Lead the way." Out of the corner of her eye, she glared back down at Steven and Stan, who likewise continued to glare at her. Once Rose and Amethyst were gone, she bent down to speak to them. "You two are exceptionally rude, even for humans. I just wanted you to know that." She assumed a more dignified pose and looked over at Garnet. "Come, Garnet." She followed Rose and Amethyst.

Garnet, however, stayed put, and continued to stare at Steven and Stan. They couldn't tell what she was thinking behind that visor, but she was definitely thinking about SOMETHING. They stood in silence for a moment.

Steven chuckled nervously. "Hehe… well, uh, my friend and I need to get back to-"

"I'm not supposed to meet you yet, am I?" Garnet asked suddenly.

"...what?"

Garnet knelt down to meet Steven's eyes. "I'm going to meet you, at some point in the future. I can see that. But today… I wasn't supposed to meet you today. Am I correct?"

Steven and Stan shot each other worried looks. "Y… yes, you're correct," Steven confirmed, nodding slowly. "I-"

"Don't tell me any more," Garnet said, standing up. "You're time travelers, correct? If you tell me anything else about the future, it could seriously damage the timeline. Even with my own ability to peer into the possibilities of tomorrow, I can't know too much about my own future. You two need to get back to your own time, as soon as possible. Goodbye, Steven. If and when we meet again, I hope it's under more pleasant circumstances." Garnet quickly left to catch up with Rose, Amethyst, and Pearl, leaving Steven and Stan alone.

"Whew," Steven sighed. "That was intense."

"So what did we learn?" Stan said, rolling his eyes. "Number one. You might have accidentally named yourself."

"Ugh. My head hurts."

"Number two. Pearl was a HUGE bitch before you were born. And number three… we all around need to be more careful. We almost broke time just now."

"We definitely don't want to do that."

Stan started walking. "Come on. I've got a feeling we're about to time jump again." Steven shrugged, and followed.

Meanwhile, back in 1998, PC Principal was engaged in an all-out brawl with the very un-PC residents of 1998 South Park. He kicked hick ass like it was nobody's business. He was teaching them not to use slurs like "fag" or "retard" with a series of roundhouse kicks. If he even heard the beginnings of a micro aggression, they were getting a faceful of fist. Three more guys ran up to them—with a single swift kick, he sent them flying. Suddenly, Big Gay Al approached him.

"Oh my goodness gracious, what are you doing, you big silly?" Al asked, shocked and appalled. "Everyone, stop! Why are we all fighting?"

"You need to get back!" PC Principal yelled. "1998 is a hostile environment for you! These hicks are gonna try and kick your ass!"

Jim, having just gotten back up on his feet, stared at PC Principal. "What, why? Just because he's a fag?"

"See, you can't keep using language like that!" PC Principal yelled.

"Look, we aren't gonna beat him up just for being GAY!" Jim denied. "We aren't from LARAMIE, Christ!"

"But- but you called him a fag just now."

"Well YEAH. He's a fuckin' FAG!"

Big Gay Al sighed. "Mister, I don't know why you feel the need to white knight for me, but I'm super! Thanks for asking!"

PC Principal was confused. "But they're using demeaning and hurtful language to refer to you."

"Honey, I grew up in the 70s and 80s. They used to think I'd give them AIDS by looking at them!"

PC Principal glared at the townspeople. "Fuck you guys!"

"But that's not the point," Big Gay Al continued. "Sure, their words are hurtful and their demeanors uncouth, but it USED to be a lot worse. Now, does that make it okay? Of course not! But progress doesn't happen overnight! They're not going to beat me up, and most of them are very good friends to me!"

Jim nodded. "Yeah, we're not trying to stop him from bein' a fag. We don't even resent him for it! We just don't like you comin' around and policin' the way we talk!"

"They were raised believing that these words were just fine," Big Gay Al surmised. "One day, we'll have a gay President, but for right now? I'm fine with having to hear some bad language."

PC Principal was starting to get it now. "I see what you're saying, I think. The way these people behave… it's a product of their time! South Park may have been offensive to gays, women, and minorities in 1998, but… they never HATED them."

"Of course we don't! What do you take us for, a bunch of monsters?"

"You know, in some towns, somebody like me WOULD be beaten to death," Big Gay Al pointed out. "So South Park is actually ahead of its time!"

PC Principal raised his eyebrows. "Dude… Bro. Dude. I never thought of it like that. South Park was PC before PC was PC." He turned and nodded to the townspeople he'd just beaten up. "Thank you for this enlightening experience. I look forward to the town you're going to become." He then turned around and walked back towards Freeman's Tacos.

Stan and Steven could see the bus stop Stan usually took to school. Past versions of Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman were all standing there. Stan picked up a newspaper. "October 2001," he muttered. "Hey, who keeps leaving these newspapers around, anyway?"

"Sheesh. That's spooky," Steven shivered

"What?"

"Well, I was born in July, 2002. Which means I was probably conceived in October of 2001."

Stan sighed. "So we're nearing the end of Rose Quartz's timeline, and the start of yours."

Suddenly, the past version of Cartman started talking. "Hey, you guys, I've got a pet chinchilla now."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "No you don't, fatass."

"Yuh huh, you wanna see?"

"Yes, I do, actually!" Kyle said, glaring. "Come on, guys, we're gonna go to Cartman's house and see this 'chinchilla'."

"It wasn't a real chinchilla," our Stan remembered. "It was a malnourished raccoon Cartman found digging in his garbage." The Stan, Kyle, and Cartman the past all walked towards Cartman's house. Kenny remained. "Oh yeah, I forgot. Kenny didn't come with us, that day. I wonder what he did for the whole day?" Stan started walking toward the bus stop. Steven grabbed his shoulder.

"Stan, where are you going?"

"I'm hanging out with Kenny, dude, I wanna see what his B-Story was. Come on, it's not like we're gonna break time any more than we already have."

Steven shrugged. "Alright, then."

Stan and Steven approached Kenny and stood by the bus stop, waiting for the bus. Kenny glanced up at them and raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were going to go see Cartman's chinchilla?"

Stan shrugged. "It's probably not real, why give him the satisfaction, you know?"

"I guess." Kenny stared at Steven. "Who's the fat kid?"

"I'm not fat, I'm big boned…" Steven muttered.

"Oh, this is my cousin," Stan hand-waved. "He's visiting for a couple of days."

"Oh."

Stan, Kenny, and Steven stood at the bus stop in near silence for several seconds. Suddenly, Kenny looked up, and saw a twenty dollar bill in the road. "Dude, sweet!" Smiling, Kenny walked out into the road… and was immediately crushed by the approaching school bus, Stan and Steven stared at his bloodied corpse, wide-eyed, mouths agape.

They stared in silence for several more seconds, before Steven screamed. "AHHHH!"

"Oh my god!" Stan yelled. "They killed Kenny! I don't remember that happening at all!"

"Did we do that?! Was that our fault?!"

"We were just standing here, what the fuck?!"

Steven started to pace the area in a panicked fashion. "That is DEFINITELY going to break time! If Kenny's dead in the past, but not in the future, it's going to create a time paradox, or something!"

"Maybe it'll create a split timeline where Kenny is just dead," Stan reasoned, trying to calm himself down. "Maybe our own time is unaffected and exists in a parallel universe."

"Well, DUH!" Steven said, going wall-eyed for a split second. "But what if we can't get BACK to our own time, and we can only get back to the time we created, like in Back to the Future Part II?"

"Maybe we should get the New Kid to send us back to before Kenny died, so we can save Kenny and stop a paradox from happening!"

Steven put a finger on his chin. "Wait, if Kenny's dead, then that means Bismuth never tried to kill him, which means that Lapis never had to save him, which means Lapis is still alive."

"Oh, shit, that's like TWO paradoxes!"

"Oh, hamburgers!" Steven exclaimed.

"Okay, okay, let's just stop freaking out about this," Stan said as he held up a hand. "W-we're still here. And time isn't broken yet. So we're fine. Maybe we're locked into our own timeline, or something."

"I sure hope so!"

The school bus drove away, and Steven and Stan stared at Kenny's mangled corpse in horror as the rats came to pick at it. After a few more seconds of staring, however, they seemed to just… forget about it. Despite Kenny's dead body being right in front of them, they weren't even thinking about it. It was as if some supernatural force was downplaying it in their minds. "So what now?" Stan asked. The initial shock of having seen Kenny die had fully worn off of both of them.

Steven looked across the street. Rose Quartz was there. "Look, there's my mom again."

"Come on, let's go follow her." Stan and Steven snuck across the street and followed Rose Quartz, from a safe enough distance that they wouldn't be seen, of course. Again, she walked into the woods near South Park, causing Stan to shake his head. "I swear to god, if she's going to meet my dad again…"

They arrived at the clearing they'd seen before. Sure enough, a much younger Randy Marsh was standing there, waiting. "Rose, we need to talk," Randy said as soon as Rose approached him. Stan and Steven went to go hide behind a tree. "We can't- we can't do this anymore. I'm putting my foot down."

Rose nodded. "Yes. This cannot go on. Tonight will be the last night you will see me." She wasn't making eye contact with him. "You see, I made a rather… large decision recently. One which prevents me from ever seeing you again."

Steven gasped. "She's pregnant with me," he realized. "She's saying that because she knows she'll lose her physical form in nine months."

Stan furrowed his eyebrows. "Why would she come see my dad AFTER getting pregnant, and not before?"

"Well, maybe she's not pregnant yet," Steven said, shrugging. "Maybe she's going to go… uh… 'meet with' my dad after this."

"Ugh, gross."

Tuning back in to the conversation, the boys saw Randy turn from Rose. He sighed. "Rose. I'm sorry. I love Sharon, and I can't do this to her anymore. ...we're getting married."

Rose blinked. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"When?"

"The wedding is tomorrow."

"I see."

Randy closed his eyes. "Yes, so as you can see, it would be best for both of us if this sordid affair ended today."

"...So you're still a bachelor for one more night, correct?"

Steven glared at Rose. "Are you serious?!" he exclaimed in a hushed tone.

Stan shook his head. "Come on, dad, don't-"

"Fine, Rose. Just one more night."

"God, damn it!" Stan yelled, throwing his hat off. "I am so pissed off at my dad right now." He watched as Rose grabbed Randy's hand and walked off. This whole situation was infuriating… but there was something else about it that didn't sit right with him. Stan thought about it. Steven said he was probably conceived in October 2001. It was October 2001. Rose Quartz presumably had either just had sex with or was about to have sex with Greg Universe, Steven's father.

...but she was also about to have sex with Randy. Could it be… no. Could it? A worried look came over Stan's face. "S-Steven?"

"Yeah?"

...should he say anything? Would it be worth worrying Steven over what was probably a coincidence? "...n-no, nothing, never mind."

"Oh, okay."

Stan was suddenly VERY concerned. His mind was led astray, however, by their surroundings glitching again.

"Oh, great, where are we now?" Steven asked. He looked around. They… were not in South Park anymore. The surrounding buildings were cruder in design, as was… everything else. This looked like…

"Canada," Stan was able to conclude. "We're in Canada."

Steven looked around some more. "We must finally be where we need to be…" he muttered. "My mom's around here somewhere."

"You know Steven, I'm starting to like your mom less and less the more we see her," Stan grumbled. "I can't believe my dad kept seeing her for so long…"

Steven groaned and put a hand on his face. "Honestly, I'm with you, but I can't fault her very much for it."

"Why not?!"

"She doesn't 'get' human relationships," Steven explained. "She dated my dad, and probably others, at the same time she was supposed to be in a relationship with Pearl. She liked to give and receive as much love as possible, to be honest, I don't think she ever cared who it was with, just as long as she was creating more love and compassion in the universe."

Stan glared silently at Steven. "Steven. That has to be the gayest thing you've ever said to me. Just say your mom was a slut and move on."

"But she wasn't, though! She was a war criminal, and a liar, and a murderer, but she wasn't a SLUT! Sex was just, like, an outlet for her! Gems don't have sex, normally, so to her, it was this beautiful, alien thing that humans did to make eachother happy!" Steven frowned and sat down on a nearby rock. "That's all she wanted to do. She was trying to make your dad happy one last time before she became me. I'm sorry that she made him cheat on your mom before you were born, but it's not something she did out of malice."

Stan stopped glaring and thought about it for a second. Steven's explanation… actually made sense. Rose Quartz loved humans, perhaps a bit too much. Sex was humanity's most basic, primal reaction to love. If Rose Quartz truly had been on Earth for thousands of years, as Steven had said more than once, then she would have seen the rise and fall of several different civilizations. And through those civilizations, there was one constant…

Sex. They all had sex.

When looking at the situation with that in mind, Stan found it a lot harder to fault Rose Quartz.

His dad was still an asshole, though.

Stan sat down next to Steven. "Steven… I know I keep talking shit about your dead mom. And I'm… kind of being a dick to you, too. I'm sorry. I'm just really pissed off at my dad right now."

"You want my advice, Stan?" Steven asked. "Don't be. It was wrong, but it was also years ago. Your dad made it clear that he wanted to remain faithful to your mom once the wedding happened, and so far, he has, right?"

Stan looked down. "I guess…"

"We all did things in the past we wish we didn't do," Steven continued. "Your dad clearly wanted to forget about it, otherwise he'd have brought it up himself."

Stan supposed that was true… and his dad was an idiot who couldn't keep his mouth shut about anything, so he REALLY must have wanted to forget about this. "Man, time travel sucks," he muttered. "We still haven't learned what we came here to learn."

Steven looked up. "I think we're about to," he said. "Look."

Stan looked forward. Two Canadian Mounties escorted Rose Quartz through the Canadian countryside—all three were on primitive-looking Canadian horses. "So what brings you to Canada, buddy?" one of them, Mountie Bob, asked.

Rose Quartz glanced around. "Your new Prime Minister is engaging in a few questionable activities…" she muttered. "If you don't mind me asking, where IS the Prime Minister?"

The other Mountie, Mountie Dave scoffed. "Nobody's met him yet. Nobody except Scott."

"Yeah!" Mountie Bob exclaimed. "He's a dick!"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Scott the Dick… new Prime Minister… what day is it?"

Steven looked to his right and saw another newspaper. What was absurd was that the newspaper appeared to be a copy of the Denver Post, which they obviously would've only found in Colorado under normal circumstances. "March 15th, 2002… that's only a few months before I was born!"

"More importantly, it's a about a year before Saddam Hussein fled Iraq."

"Why does that matter?"

Stan gestured to Rose and the Mounties. "Saddam was posing as the Prime Minister of Canada until Christmas, 2003, when he was found in a spider hole and captured. Under his rule, Canada made a bunch of new laws that fucked things up for everyone. If I had to take a guess, I'd imagine he was setting up contacts in Canada around this time and preparing to leave Iraq."

"So you think my mom's going to go after Saddam Hussein?" Steven paused. "Also, who's Saddam Hussein?"

"He was the President of Iraq until 2003. AND he used the first Canadian-American War in 1999 to fulfill an apocalypse prophecy… gee, sound familiar?"

"How do you know all of this? You're younger than I am."

Stan paused, and frowned. "I… don't know how I know. All of this time travel bullshit is messing with my head. The point is I think I know what Rose Quartz is doing here." He furrowed his brow and looked back up at Rose and the Mounties. "But why would that piss off the Canadians? They hated Saddam."

"Let's listen." Steven directed Stan to follow the horses.

"So I can't speak to the Prime Minister?" Rose asked, tilting her head.

"Afraid not, guy," Mountie Bob responded.

"And where is this 'Project Charlie' the Prime Minister is assumed to be working on?"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Project Charlie?"

Stan and Steven followed the horse-riding trio—who were fortunately moving rather slowly—through the Canadian countryside. "Project Charlie is Canada's pride and joy right now, located in Ishpatina Ridge," Mountie Dave explained.

"So we're nearby," Rose muttered thoughtfully. "May I see?"

The group eventually came to the ridge, which was absolutely gorgeous. Trees covered the land ahead. Even Stan had to admit, it was pretty cool—of course, he always was a big nature-loving hippie.

Steven saw something, however, that concerned him. "Wait… is that…?"

Rose Quartz gasped.

She and the Mounties, sat atop their horses, were now in front of a vast, rocky cliffside, with dozens of primed Homeworld Injectors, ready to be activated.

This was a Kindergarten.

Stan leaned over and whispered to Steven. "What is this?"

"This is a Gem Kindergarten!" Steven said, slightly panicked. "These are how new Gems are made!"

"And that's…"

"Bad. It drains the resources from the host planet and makes it uninhabitable. It's why the Crystal Gems revolted in the first place."

Stan raised his eyebrows. "So… now that Rose Quartz is in front of one… what's she going to do?"

Rose stepped off of her horse and approached one of the injectors. "This is what your Prime Minister is working on…?" she muttered. "Why? How?"

Mountie Dave beamed and approached Rose. "Canadian Historians believe that aliens settled in Ancient Canada in search of gold. The Prime Minister learned the secret to getting these contraptions to work."

"You're going to activate it?!" Rose asked, turning around.

"Why, of course!" Dave nodded. "Just think of the scholarly applications! If we can discover just what these contraptions were used for, we may be able to utilize alien technology to better the world!"

"I see…" Rose Quartz turned back around and placed a hand on the injector. "So, it appears your Prime Minister has tricked you."

"...excuse me?"

Rose drew her sword from its scabbard, and began hacking at the injector. The Mounties started to freak out.

"H-HEY! What the fuck are you doing, buddy?!"

Steven and Stan watched as Rose destroyed the injector—once she was done with it, she moved on to the next one. A rather large one—the main one—sat above her. She destroyed that one too. The Mounties were not pleased.

"You've… you've destroyed our Canadian pride!" Dave accused.

"You can thank me later," Rose said, sheathing her sword. "I must be on my way, now."

"I think not!" Dave retrieved his Great Canadian Whistle and blew into it. Several more Canadian Mounties arrived. "Arrest this bitch!" he yelled.

Steven's eyes widened. "Oh my god… the reason the Canadians were going after my mom… it was all because of a huge misunderstanding!"

"So maybe we can clear this whole thing up and end the war!" Stan exclaimed, as their surroundings glitched. "Wait, where are we now?"

Steven looked around. They were on a spaceship. "Huh? This… doesn't look like Earth."

Suddenly, they heard a familiar nasally voice from the other room. "Log date… uh, nobody's told me what day it is, yet," the voice said. "Having just left my Kindergarten, I've been given the tools needed to carry out my first assignment."

Steven and Stan hid behind a nearby crate as the door opened. Steven gasped silently as Peridot walked through, wearing her limb enhancers. "Oh, man, we really broke time, now! This isn't even my MOM'S timeline, it's Peridot's!" He looked up at Peridot as she paced the room, her limb enhancers clanking loudly. "If this is her first assignment, we must be THOUSANDS of years in the past!"

"I've been asked to monitor the Cluster, a superweapon that Homeworld placed within the core of a planet called 'Earth'," Peridot continued. "Obviously, I'll be monitoring it from a safe distance."

Steven stared blankly at Peridot. "O-okay, maybe we're only four years in the past."

Stan was confused. "Peridot's only four years old? I'd have thought she's at least, like, fourteen. Is that why she's so short?"

Steven frowned. "Uh, no, she's gonna be like that forever. Gems don't grow like humans do, they just kind of… start out as adults."

"Peridot is NOT an adult," Stan shook his head. "She's like, sixteen, TOPS."

Peridot heard the argument and turned to face Steven and Stan. She groaned, and rolled her eyes. "Ugh. Of COURSE I get the ship with the rodent infestation." Sighing, she retrieved what appeared to be a straight-up flamethrower. "Alright, hold still," she said as she began blowing fire towards the boys.

"AHHH!" Stan yelled as he backed up into the wall. The boys' surroundings glitched again, and they were at the bus stop.

"Alright Ike, kick the baby!"

"Don't kick the baby!"

"Kick the baby!"

Kyle kicked his brother into the school bus window. Stan stared at Stan, his eyes widening.

"Dude!" Past Stan exclaimed. "Why am I right there?"

Their surroundings glitched again; now, Stan and Steven were in an empty street. "Okay, what the FUCK was that?!" Stan asked.

"We must have been in the past too long!" Steven said. "Time is collapsing around us!"

Their surroundings glitched again. They were back in front of Freeman's Tacos. "Ah, there you boys are," Morgan Freeman greeted. PC Principal returned as well. "It looks like everyone's here."

"Dude! What the FUCK is going on?!" Stan asked.

"I assume you're talking about the time glitches you've been experiencing," Freeman replied. "Don't worry about those. Time was just taking you where you needed to go. Sometimes time makes mistakes and places you where you don't need to go. But you saw what you needed to see, correct?"

Steven nodded. "Yeah! We found out what my mom did that angered the Canadian government so much! We need to get to Canada right away and clear the air! If we can convince the Canadians to stand down and have a dialogue with Pearl, we can finally end the war!"

"Mm, there's only one problem with that plan," Freeman explained. "We can't get back to 2018."

"...what," Stan said flatly.

"I'm afraid the New Kid's Time Gland is permanently fractured," Morgan Freeman sighed. "We're stuck in 1998."

Lion grunted and stood up. He sleepily opened his eyes, yawned, and walked over to Steven. He pressed his face against Steven's.

"Not now, Lion, we're kind of dealing with something," Steven said. "If we're stuck in 1998, I'll be, like, 35 before I can end the war!"

Stan frowned. "There's got to be some way…"

Lion growled, and again pressed his face up against Steven's. Steven glared. "Lion, I said not now."

"Bro. I can't be stuck in this un-PC time for twenty years!" PC Principal said. "We gotta get back!"

"I'm afraid there's no way to return," Freeman lamented. "Not unless-"

Lion rolled his eyes and dropped himself on Steven and Stan, fully absorbing the boys into his mane's pocket dimension. Morgan Freeman stared at Lion.

"My word. He's eaten Stanley and Steven whole. How tragic."

Steven and Stan appeared in Rose Quartz's pocket dimension. Stan was immediately alarmed that he couldn't breathe, and started gasping for air. Steven quickly grabbed him and dragged his face into the grass, allowing them to pop back into our reality. Stan breathed a heavy breath.

"What the fuck was that?!" he yelled. "Your stupid fucking lion almost killed us!"

Steven glared down at Lion. "Lion, what was that for?! We're in the middle of-" he paused. "Wait a second." He looked back down into Lion's mane. "Stan. Take a deep breath."

"What are you-?!" Stan was dragged back into the pocket dimension.

Steven stared up at his mother's island. All of their stuff was still there. Bismuth's bubble, which likely would have been here in 1998, notably, was not. Steven glanced over to the right...

Lars's island was still there.


	19. Chapter 18: Space Race

**A/N: Apologies in advance, this chapter has almost nothing to do with the main arc. It was supposed to just be one scene at the end of the previous chapter before I expanded it into its own chapter.**

 **...yup. Nothing of importance happens here. ...nothing at all.**

 **Nothing.**

* * *

Steven dragged Stan over to the other island and dove into the grass. The boys fell onto the hard metal floor of what appeared to be a Homeworld spaceship, gasping for air.

Lars, whose head they just came out of, smiled. "Steven! I was wondering when you'd be back. Great news! We're finally approaching Eart-"

"Lars! Quick!" Steven grabbed Lars's face and dragged him down to the boys' level. "What year is it?!"

"2018?"

Stan's eyes widened. "Dude… did we just time travel through your fucking _Lion?!"_

Lars looked over at Stan. "Who's this kid?"

Steven pulled Stan up onto his feet. "This is Stan! He's one of my new friends, from Colorado! Stan, meet Lars! He died, and I brought him back to life, and now he's a zombie space pirate! ...please don't tell PC Principal I called him a 'zombie', though."

"Nice to meet you, Stan!" Lars greeted, holding out his hand. Stan shook it. "Let's try and keep the whole 'zombie space pirate' thing on the DL, though? We just had a few run-ins with the Galactic Federation. Woo, boy, they are NOT happy with me right now."

"The Galactic Federation?" Steven repeated, tilting his head.

"Turns out, the Gem Homeworld is just the tip of the iceberg." Lars grabbed Steven and held a hand out to he stars, as if to illustrate the vastness of the universe. "There are planets EVERYWHERE teeming with life. There's the Gems, the Tillapians, the Joozians, the Corellians, the Gromflomites, the Visitors… to be honest, they're all kind of assholes."

"Space sure does sound exciting," Steven thought aloud.

Lars let go of the boy and waved his hands in the air dismissively. "Ahhh, pssh, it's mostly super boring. For every life-supporting planet, there are about twenty lifeless rocks. I wanted to go to the moon when I was a kid, but I've seen, like, a hundred moons at this point and they're all exactly the same. Just craters and moon dust. The Jungle Moon notwithstanding, of course."

Steven leaned over and whispered to Stan, "Stevonnie got stranded on the Jungle Moon."

"Who the fuck is 'Stevonnie'?"

Lars leaned back in his seat. "So. What's new on Earth?"

"Uh, World War III," Steven responded.

"The President finally snapped and bombed Korea, huh?"

"Not Korea."

This piqued Lars's curiosity. "Then who? Syria? Iran? China?" He paused briefly. "...Australia?"

"Uh, Canada."

"Canada! Wow. Didn't expect that one."

"Even worse, the Crystal Gems are the ones who started it!" Steven exclaimed.

"You guys are starting wars now." Lars frowned. "Cool, that's… you're doing a great job protecting the Earth.

"Well I didn't want it!" Steven defended. "So I left, and so did Amethyst, Peridot, and Lapis! We're the Crystal Renegades now, and we've been going around and sabotaging the war!"

"And how's that working for you?"

"Uh, not good. Lapis died and Pearl's the President now."

"Sheesh. That's rough."

Stan looked around the spaceship. "So, you run this ship by yourself?"

Lars smiled once again. "Of course not! Every captain needs a crew!"

Steven grinned. "That's right! Stan, you haven't met the Off Colors yet!"

"Who the hell are the Off Colors?"

The outer rim of the ship's command deck suddenly lit up, and the titular Off Colors all turned around to face Stan.

"Rutile and Rutile, at your service!" the conjoined Rutile Twins said, grinning.

The next member, waved both of her right arms to greet Stan. "Oh? New friends! Fantastic! I think. You're not a spy, are you?"

"I- I don't think so?" Stan replied.

"Great! I'm Rhodonite!"

"Fantastic news, everyone!" the ship's technical advisor, exclaimed. "We're about to meet a new visitor!"

"Uh…" Stan stared at the Gem.

Lars leaned over to whisper in Stan's ear. "That's Padparadscha. She's supposed to be able to see the future, but her reaction time is a little… off."

"Okay."

"Where's Fluorite?" Steven asked.

"I'm… come… ing…" a low, elderly voice rumbled from below. The Gem that Stan presumed to be Fluorite slowly rose from a hatch that led into the ship's depths. "I've been… working… on… the engines…"

Stan tried the best he could to be polite. "Uh, nice to meet you-"

"-so that… we… can get… to Earth…"

Stan stared at Fluorite silently for another moment, for fear of cutting her off again.

"I'm finished."

"It's nice to meet all of you," Stan said. "I'm Stan. I'm a friend of Steven's. Uh, I'm new to this whole… 'Gem' thing."

Lars looked over at Steven. "Steven, what's going on? Why did you guys show up in such a panic?"

"Oh, jeez, uh, how do I put this… Stan and I time traveled."

The room gasped. "Time travel?!" Lars exclaimed. "Are you _serious?!"_

"Yeah, but for some reason, the link between you and Lion transcends time," Steven explained. "So there's a portal to 1998 in your hair."

Lars, in a slight state of panic, grabbed his hair. "There's a flux capacitor in my head?!"

"Please," a slightly familiar, slightly condescending voice said from below. "Time travel is a scientific impossibility." A Peridot—but not the same Peridot we know—rose from below the ship's decks.

"Whoooooa, another Peridot?!" Steven exclaimed in wonder.

"Actually, THREE Peridots!" Lars replied. "They're triplets."

Two more Peridots jumped into the command deck and struck a pose with their sister. They all had their gemstones in different parts of their bodies, so Steven decided to label them like he did the Rubies. There was Army, and Leggy, and…

...Crotchy.

"Wait, I thought Peridot said she accidentally caused Yellow Diamond to kill all of the other Peridots," Stan said, tilting his head.

Crotchy looked surprised. "Wait… there are other Peridots besides us?!"

"We thought we were the only ones!" Army exclaimed. "There was a traitor on Earth, so we knew everyone else was TOAST!"

Steven chuckled nervously. "Haha, uh, yeah, there are actually three more Peridots back on Earth. Only one of them is active, though, the other two are… elsewhere."

Stan approached the three Peridots. "So you guys escaped the Gem Homeworld?"

"We ALL did," one of the Rutiles pointed out.

"Yeah," the other one added. "We're… defective."

"You guys don't look defective to me?" Stan questioned. "I mean, yeah, you're a little more OUT THERE than some of the other Gems I've met, but you're not 'defective'."

Lars sighed. "Gems are a little more ethnostate-y in their mindsets than most humans are."

Leggy nodded. "On Homeworld, if you aren't perfect, you're worthless. WE'RE considered 'defective' because we came from the same Kindergarten as the Peridot that betrayed Yellow Diamond."

"WE came out wrong," Rutile explained. "Two gems fused together permanently, creating… us. Rhodonite is a fusion between a Ruby and a Pearl. They were cast aside because they found out they LIKED fusing."

Padparadscha nodded. "And MY name is Padparadscha."

Lars gestured to Fluorite. "It's the same deal with her as with Rhodonite. She's a fusion. They REALLY don't like inter-gemstone fusion on Homeworld. ...say, where's Beryl?"

Suddenly, a grotesque-looking Gem popped out from below the deck. "Right here!" she said. She was tall, had short, buzzed hair, and sported many different shades of blue and green across her body. The most notable thing about her was that her body was covered in hands, which was more than a little disturbing.

"That's Beryl," Rutile repeated. "She's one of the newest members of our group."

"You might be wonderin' what's wrong with me!" said Beryl. "It's— so I- you know, I got all these hands. I'm actually… like… a billion gems' worth of hands! Yup! There's some Aquamarine in here… and some Emerald, and… other things. See, back in the kindergarten, I absorbed, like, four or five rows and columns of Gems and it all got mushed together and made me! Ooo-wee! Take a look at my gemstone!"

Beryl raised her right arm and showed Stan. Her gemstone was cylindrical in shape, although unlike most of the Gems Stan had seen thusfar, it was not a neat cut. Lumps could be seen all around, and the gemstone was actually multicolored. In addition, the gemstone actually took the place of her right hand.

"Tragically, I'm actually right-handed, on account of my Gem being on the right side of my body, and all these other hands are left hands." Beryl paused for an awkward moment. "Also, they're vestigial. I can't move these lefties, no sireeee-eeee! So I became an outcast from society, on account of my many left hands I can't use. Only left hands. Yup. No right hands."

Stan blinked and stared blankly at Beryl. "You know what? That's not even close to the weirdest thing I've ever seen."

Beryl beamed. "Haha, hey guys, check it out, I'm not the weirdest thing he's seen!"

"Stan, you're being really, uh, nice to people right now," Steven whispered. "You're usually kind of dry and sarcastic. What's up?"

"Yeah, well, you know, this Gem stuff is all starting to grow on me." Stan didn't want to tell Steven the real reason he was starting to warm up to all of this—not yet, anyway.

"Captain!" Rutile shouted, interrupting the conversation. "We're getting a transmission from a nearby ship."

"Onscreen," Lars commanded. At his command, the front viewport—which was actually a computer screen—turned to a video call. To Steven's surprise, it was not another Homeworld Gem on the other end, but, in fact, a sentient member of an entirely different species.

"Hey, douchebags!" the alien yelled. He didn't look too happy. He was tall, slender, and green. His most defining features were his bulbous nose and large, round eyes, as well as the pointed mustache on his upper lip. He glared at Lars. "You think you can get away with what you did?! Not cool, bro!"

"What did you do?" Steven whispered.

"He deals in illicit space goods," Lars explained.

"What does that mean?"

"Drugs."

"Oh."

Lars nodded. "Our dark matter engine needed fuel. Soooo, we siphoned his tank during one of his little drug deals, and swiped some of the space cash too."

"Your ship has a Geminga 7 radio signature!" the alien yelled. "You have NO USE for our money!"

"You're right," Lars conceded. "I don't. But watching you get this mad over it amuses me. So, if you don't mind, I'm going to keep it."

"I DO MIND!"

"Lars, he seems kind of angry…" Steven muttered. "Maybe you should give him the money back?"

"Oh, I'll give it back… if Ricardo here agrees to a little wager."

"My name's not Ricardo," Not Ricardo corrected.

"Your ship looks fast," Lars observed. "How about we RACE for the space cash?"

Not Ricardo laughed. "Hah! You think YOUR RIDE can beat MINE?"

"This is the fastest starship the Gem Armada has at its disposal," Lars said with a cocky grin. "And we tricked it out a bit."

"How do you 'trick out' a spaceship?" Stan asked.

"We managed to supercharge the engines. And we added a spoiler on the back."

Crotchy the Peridot bowed. "You can thank MY brilliance for that little addition."

"Alright, then," Not Ricardo said, still laughing. "We'll race for the money. Prepare to get your ass stomped out, Rocky!"

Every Gem in the room suddenly glared at the screen, confusing Steven and Stan. "Uh, what's that mean?" Stan asked.

"It's a racial slur, used by members of the Federation to denigrate Gems," Lars replied, now glaring at the screen himself. "Not cool, Not Ricardo."

"My name's not Not Ricardo!" Not Not Ricardo yelled. "So. What are the CONDITIONS of this race?"

"We start here, and we finish at planet Earth," Lars explained. "No hyperdrive. No weapons. Just raw engine power and our piloting skills. Deal?"

"You're on, 'Lars of the Stars'!"

* * *

The racers lined up at the starting line, which was designated by a lone asteroid which was just kind of drifting through space. Lars and Not Not Ricardo were joined by three more racers, all of whom were the same species as Not Not Ricardo. The racers took turns telegraphing their dick sizes by revving their engines extremely loudly—oddly, the futuristic spaceships all sounded like modern-day sports cars.

Also, it was all probably CGI, rendered at twice the frame rate as everything else.

Leaning back in his captain's chair, Lars began issuing commands. "Rutile and Rutile, set a course for Earth."

"Done!"

Lars nodded, and turned to Rhodonite. "Rhodonite, bring us into Sport Mode."

Rhodonite nodded, and pressed a small button on her dashboard labeled 'Sport'. Immediately, the engine roared even louder than before, the ship's turning tightened up, and fuel efficiency dropped by 3000%.

Lars glanced over at the Peridot Triplets. "Peridots, play us some racing music."

Army nodded. "Playing some bomb-ass jams, sir!" she exclaimed as she started fiddling with the ship's computer. Bass-y, high-energy rap music started blasting from the ship's speakers.

Lars then looked over at Padparadscha. "Padparadscha, you know what to do."

Padparadscha nodded. "Sir, I predict that in just a few moments, we will be contacted by the alien whose fuel tank we siphoned and challenged to a race!"

Lars smirked and stared out the ship's front viewport. "Excellent."

Stan looked over at Steven. "So, we're actually about to race these guys?"

Steven shrugged. "I guess so. It's only my second race, though."

"Second? You've done this before?"

"Yeah, in my dad's Dondai."

Stan sighed and crossed his arms. "Dude, I think you might be way more badass than we give you credit for."

Back outside the ship, an alien that looked almost identical to a Lakitu from Mario Kart arrived, floating on what at first appeared to be a cloud, but, upon closer inspection, was actually a part of his body. He appeared to be the referee, as he held three flags in his hand—green, yellow, and checkered. He held up the green flag, and the racers revved their engines once again. Looking around sternly, the alien held up another hand, and began the countdown.

 _3…_

 _2…_

 _1…_

He waved the green flag, and the racers were off! Not Not Ricardo was the first off the line, followed very closely by the Off Colors, followed by the other three racers.

Taking Space Exit 57B onto Intersystem 495, the five racers pushed their dark matter engines to their limits as they soared well past the posted speed limit of 600,000,000 miles per hour. The race was already intense; but really, Lars was just excited to finally re-enter his own solar system. The ship raced past a sign which read: "Neptune, Next Exit".

Lars grinned. "Planet Earth, here I come…" he said in a low voice, barely able to mask his excitement.

Stan stared at the radar, which indicated that Not Not Ricardo was ahead of them. "If you're so excited to get back to Earth, why are we losing the race?"

Lars smirked, and pressed a button on his arm rest. Suddenly, an Earth-style steering wheel extended from the floor in front of him, and he grabbed on to it. "I was just giving him a head start."

The ship's engines revved, and the Off Colors soared past Not Not Ricardo. "Oh, you're not getting away that easy, dickhead," Not Not Ricardo muttered. "Blaze, Trilobyte, come in," he hailed over his radio. Two more aliens of his species appeared on the screen.

"Whatcha need, boss?" Trilobyte—the male—asked.

"I'm in the Solaris system, racing the punk who barged in on our deal with the Bimblor family. He's beating me. You guys know what to do."

Blaze—the female—nodded. "You got it, boss."

The two aliens, in their own scout ships, arrived ahead of the racers near the asteroid belt between Jupiter and Mars. A sign was posted nearby which said "EARTH", with an arrow pointing due Space West. Blaze, in a compression suit, left her ship and made her way to the sign. She turned it around, so that the sign faced Space East instead. Seeing the approaching racers, she quickly hid behind the sign.

Lars turned his wheel to the right, following the sign and driving straight into the asteroid belt. Once he was gone, Blaze turned the sign once again, and the other racers began flying towards Earth.

Not Not Ricardo chuckled. "So long, Earth Asshole," he muttered.

Back on the Off Colors' ship, the group was becoming increasingly concerned with the amount of asteroids and other space debris in their line of sight. "Be careful, Captain," Rutile warned. "There are a looooot of asteroids in this part of space."

Lars frowned. "Huh. That's strange. We were supposed to cut THROUGH it, not turn INTO it."

Padparadscha suddenly gasped. "Captain Lars! Don't listen to that sign! It's been sabotaged, and we will end up directly in the middle of an asteroid field if we take it!"

"WHAT?!"

Stan glared. "Oh, that fuckin' cheater!"

The ship was hit by an asteroid. Worried, Steven looked up at Lars. "Uhhh, Lars… you put the ship's shields up, right?"

Lars blinked. "The shields?"

Crotchy shrugged. "The shields were damaged during a dogfight with Gromflomites several days ago."

"And you didn't FIX them?"

"It was on my to-do list!"

Lars grabbed the wheel. "We need to get out of he-" the ship was struck again by an asteroid… and the engines died. "No! No, shit, shit, shit!"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "What was that?"

"We lost our engines!" Lars exclaimed. "We're drifting in the middle of an asteroid field with no shields and no engines!"

Beryl sighed. "So, this is how I'm gonna go out, huh? Man, me- me and my many left hands are gonna miss being alive."

The ship was pelted by asteroids. Stan struggled to keep his balance as the ship rocked. "Agh! We have a portal back to 1998, why don't we just head back there?! It's better than being out here!"

"I'm not leaving Lars behind!" Steven yelled.

"Dude, we could DIE!"

Steven glared at Stan. "You know, Stan, I know this is a new concept for you, but friends stick together! I'm sorry you and your friends have such a crappy relationship, but that's not how the rest of the world works!"

Stan glared back at Steven before turning to look at Lars's head. "Fuck this," he muttered as he started walking towards Lars, who gladly lowered his head. Stan climbed into Lars's hair and returned to 1998.

"Stan's right, Steven," Lars said. "You should go. I don't want you getting killed out here because I thought I could race some alien bigshot."

Steven shook his head. "We're in this together!" he said. "If Stan doesn't get that, that's his loss! We can figure out another way out of this, that doesn't involve leaving you behind."

Lars frowned, but he knew better than to try and change Steven's mind. "Alright, guys. Let's try and find another way out of this."

Stan, meanwhile, appeared back in 1998, taking in a deep breath as he climbed out of Lion's mane. Morgan Freeman, PC Principal, and the New Kid were still waiting, and Lion was asleep by this point. "Marsh. Did you find another way back to 2018?" PC Principal asked.

"Nope," Stan said nonchalantly as he walked away. "We're stuck here."

"Where's Steven?" Freeman questioned.

"Who gives a shit? Dead, probably." Stan's response shocked the adults. The New Kid just stared blankly as Stan left the scene.

Stan walked back to school—why, he wasn't quite sure. Another version of him was probably in class right now, so he probably couldn't just slip in unnoticed. He sighed, leaned on the wall, and sat down. "Come on, Steven," he muttered. "Do the smart thing. Just cut your losses and come back to 1998."

"Hello there, children!" Chef greeted as he approached the boy.

"H-hey, Chef…" Stan responded uneasily. He hadn't spoken to Chef since he died, obviously. In all honesty, he missed him—a lot. So the fact that Chef was standing right here, in front of him, right now, would have normally made him smile… except he couldn't stop thinking about how his maybe-maybe-not-half-brother might die in space.

Chef could tell that Stan wasn't feeling well, but he kept up his smile. "How's it goin'?" he asked.

"Bad."

"Why bad?"

Stan sighed. "Chef… everything's so fucked up right now. I can't even tell you about most of it."

"Ohh, children. You can tell me anything. Did a priest make you take a vow of silence?"

"What? No, no, it's nothing like that, it's just…" Stan tried to figure out a way he could talk to Chef about this without giving away the fact that he's a time traveler, but he couldn't think of one. So instead of talking about the war, Lapis's death, or the potential Gem invasion, he decided to just talk about what his issues were right now. "My dad cheated on my mom…" he muttered.

Chef was unable to contain his shocked expression. "Oh, children…" Chef sat down next to Stan. "Does your mother know about this?"

"No. Or maybe she does. I don't know." Stan watched as a bird swooped down and landed in front of him. "It happened years ago, the day before they got married. My dad doesn't even know that I know, yet."

Chef raised an eyebrow. "Say, how DID you find out about it?"

"Because the lady he had the affair with got pregnant," Stan answered. "I have a half brother. I've known him for about a year, but I only just found out he was my brother. He doesn't know. And my dad doesn't know, either."

Chef sighed and stared off into the distance. "Stanley, that sounds like bad news. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, what's worse is he's a stupid asshole," Stan said, getting angrier. "We got ourselves in a tight spot, and we were faced with two choices: die, or escape with our lives, and right now he's choosing to die because one of his stupid friends can't escape with us and he thinks there's another way out."

Chef blinked. "Well, Stanley, it seems to me like he's just being a good friend."

"But he's being a shitty older brother!"

"But he doesn't KNOW he's your brother." Chef put a hand on Stan's shoulder. "Aren't you bring a bad younger brother by leaving him to die?"

Stan thought about it. "I'm not gonna fuckin' die out there if I can help it!"

"I'm not asking you to, children. All I'm sayin' is a lot of people would rather die trying to help than just sit around doing nothing. Just look at Martin Luther King!"

Stan sighed. "I guess…"

"...you're sure there's ABSOLUTELY no way to help?" Chef asked.

"Not unless there's a way for me to get rid of an asteroid belt…" Stan trailed off. "...I don't have to get rid of the asteroid belt… I just have to get the ship OUT OF the asteroid belt!" Stan stood up and started running. Chef stood up as well.

"Hey! Hey, children, where are you going?" he called after the boy.

"I'm gonna go save my brother's life!" Stan called back. _Of course!_ he thought. _The lion!_ Lion could create portals! If he can create a portal in 1998 that persists until 2018, they might be able to save Steven, Lars, and the Off Colors!

Stan arrived at Freeman's Tacos, and jumped back into Lion's mane, much to the shock of PC Principal, the New Kid, and Morgan Freeman.

"Well. He's lost his mind," Freeman commented.

Stan arrived on the ship. "Guys! Quick, what are our coordinates?!"

Steven raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Stan ran to the display console and took a picture of the star map with his phone. "Okay, thanks, bye!" Stan ran back to Lars and jumped into his hair—but not before grabbing a space helmet from the corner of the ship.

"What was that all about?" Lars asked, thoroughly confused. Suddenly, the ship was pelted with more asteroids. "Agh! Status report!"

Army the Peridot turned to Lars with a terrified look on her face. "80% damage to the hull, Captain! The ship's not going to last much longer!" She closed the game of _FTL_ she'd been playing and opened the ship's real status console. "And also, we're all going to die!" Everyone on the ship started freaking out.

Stan arrived back in 1998 and shook Lion. "Hey! Fatass! Wake up!" Lion glared at Stan and went back to sleep. "Hey, I said wake up! Steven and those other guys are in danger, and we're the only ones who can help him!"

Lion opened an eye and glared at Stan. He huffed, and turned his head up. He was not going to take orders from some nobody.

"Listen here, Lion!" Stan commanded. "Steven is my half-brother, which means you're like half my pet! And as your half-owner, I'm begging you to help me save your full owner!"

Lion thought about it for a moment. If Stan was his half-owner, than he _supposed_ he could help him. Lion sat up and nodded.

"Yes! Okay, take me to these coordinates!" Stan held up his phone and showed Lion the photo he'd taken. Lion complied with Stan's request, and roared, opening a portal to those exact coordinates. Stan donned the space helmet, and he and Lion were off.

Once in the 1998 version of the asteroid belt, the boy and the lion landed on an asteroid as it soared through space. Stan thought about his plan for a moment. He COULD have taken Lars and the Off Colors to South Park, right here, right now… but they still had a race to win! "Okay, Lion," he said, somehow allowing his voice to carry through space, where sound doesn't travel. "Here's where shit gets a little complicated. I need you to open a second portal, keeping the first one open so we can get back to South Park. Park the other side of the second portal just outside of Earth, and keep it open for the next twenty years and five minutes. Can you do that?"

Lion blinked. He did as he was told, roared, and opened the second portal.

In 2018, the portal opened in front of the ship. Everyone stared in awe.

"What… IS that?" Lars asked.

Steven grinned. "That's Lion and Stan coming to our rescue! They must have put a portal down!"

"A what?"

"It probably leads back to Earth!" Steven exclaimed. "I knew Stan would help us!"

Lars smiled. "Well, alright, then! Crew! …slowly drift into the portal! Because we still don't have engines!"

The ship slowly drifted towards the portal.

Back in 1998, Stan celebrated. "Alright, we did it! Now let's get back to South Park so we can—" He was cut off as a space rock smacked into Lion, knocking him unconscious and sending Stan flying out of his mane. "Shit! Shit! Lion! Lion, wake up!" Stan drifted away quickly, adrenaline filling his veins as he began to panic. "Lion! Lion, a little help here! Fuck!" Lion got smaller and smaller in Stan's vision as he flew out into space. He screamed.

With the warmth of Lion's mane gone, Stan felt himself growing colder… and colder…

...and colder…

…and warmer…

 _Down, down to the cursed realm._

 _..._ and warmer…

 _It's a place that you know well._

 _..._ fire… is burning...

 _Welcome back to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks._

* * *

 **A/N: …**

 **I lied.**


	20. Chapter 19: Of Fish and Leprechauns

**A/N: This is a double update, so I got a few things to say; first off, sorry for the super long wait. I scrapped the entire second half of this update TWICE before I came up with something I liked. Second of all, part of the second half of this update is a lot more… risqué than a stuff I've written in the past. Part of why it took so long was because I didn't know whether to include most of it, because I didn't want to write something M-rated. Ultimately, I decided that if my descriptions were VAGUE enough, I could get away with it.**

 **Third, yes, I did see the episodes that aired last month. I had guessed for a while that that's what the twist was, which is why Pink Diamond never showed up in the Hell chapter. Unfortunately, it is waaaaay too late in the story to properly address it, as I didn't pre-write any material based on my hunches because I didn't want to be wrong and have to scrap it all. Maybe next time. ;)**

 **So, here's the first chapter, "Of Gay Fish and Gay Leprechauns". It's the lighter and softer of the two, and I got the idea to write it when a certain gay fish started mouthing off on Twitter. It's also partially a commentary on a certain SU-related fandom issue that I keep seeing online. (Seriously, you guys, chill the fuck out.)**

* * *

Peridot sat in the Marsh family's bathtub, which was where she tended to hang out whenever she was feeling sad these days. She had a lot to be upset about. But I'm sure you knew that. She sighed, and rolled over onto her side. There wasn't even any water in the tub. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Peridot?" Randy said from the other side. "Can I come in?"

"Entré," the short Gem replied.

Randy opened the door. "Hey, uh, I know you're kind of having a moment, but, uh… have you seen Stan at all today?"

Peridot sat up. "He was at the team meeting in the community center today."

"But have you seen him since then?"

Peridot shook her head. "I haven't, no."

Randy frowned and furrowed his brow. "His friends haven't seen him, either…"

"I'm sure he's fine."

"Yeah, he… he was always pretty self-reliant…" Randy muttered. "I just… I get worried sometimes, you know? This world is dangerous, and he just… he runs headfirst into that danger."

"Sounds familiar…" Peridot muttered sadly.

The two were silent for a moment. Randy sighed and sat down on the toilet. "I'm really sorry about Lapis," he muttered.

"Why are you sorry? It's not like you're the one who murdered her."

"I should have stopped Pearl before this whole thing got out of hand."

Peridot scoffed. "I was there, too. So was Amethyst. We all had the chance to stop her. We all failed. It was a group failure. But WE are not to blame for what happened. That was all Garnet, Bismuth, and Pearl. _Especially_ Pearl."

Randy raised an eyebrow. "Isn't Bismuth the one who shattered Lapis? Why is Pearl at the top of your shit list?"

"Because Pearl is the President," Peridot explained. "Therefore, SHE is to blame for absolutely everything that happens under her. Just as I was to blame for my underlings' failures on Homeworld."

"I thought you didn't have anybody under you on Homeworld."

Peridot glared at Randy. "Are you finished?"

"Look, I'm just saying, maybe directing all of your hatred towards Pearl is counterproductive," Randy excused, holding his hands up. "She's not herself right now. Something's seriously wrong."

"Look, I just… I really don't want to talk about this, okay?"

"Well then get out and do something!" Randy said, trying to motivate Peridot. "If you sit around and do nothing like a mopey sack of shit, then of course people are gonna ask what you're doing sitting around on your fat ass, you mopey sack of shit!"

"Fine! I'll get out and do something!" Peridot exclaimed, standing up and walking towards the door. "And I am NOT getting fat!" She slammed the door on her way out.

Now content, Randy smiled. "Finally, I can take a shit," he muttered as he pulled down his pants.

* * *

Peridot walked through South Park, which was changing a lot very quickly. The influx of Canadians in town that had been freed by the Crystal Renegades fueled economic growth, strangely enough, as several of the Canadians opened shops and ethnic Canadian restaurants in Shi Tpa Town. SHE didn't eat at any of the food, because food was gross, but everyone else in town seemed to like it.

Walking past Skeeter's Wine Bar, Peridot noticed a commotion going on out front. "Hey, hey, now I KNOW you all aren't going to just forget all the great shit Pearl's done for this country!" That struck a nerve, and Peridot turned to look for whoever just said that. Several citizens were standing in a crowd, evidently surrounding the person who said it.

"Are you kidding, she sucks!" Gerald Broflovski exclaimed. "This whole country started sucking the second she got in office!"

"Now y'all are just bein' unfair!"

Peridot pushed her way through the crowd. "Move it. Out of my way. Please get out of my way. Alright, who's the clod that's opening their mouth before they think?" Peridot glared at the man in front of him… but her glare was replaced with a confused look. This was no man at all.

This was a gay fish.

"You don't have to agree with Pearl, but the mob can't make me not love her!" the Gay Fish exclaimed. "We are both dragon energy. She is my sister."

Peridot blinked. "I'm sorry, can you speak English, please?"

"Man, y'all be hatin' on a motherfuckin' Gay Fish fo' speakin' the motherfuckin' truth, and the truth is that Obama was President for 8 years and he didn't do NOTHIN' for Chicago!"

Gerald rolled his eyes. "Pearl's not doing anything for Chicago, either! She thinks they're all murderers, rapists, and drug dealers!"

"That's right!" Thomas Tucker added. "That's because she is a RACIST!"

"Man how the FUCK she gonna be racist, she got black supporters too!" the Gay Fish yelled.

Peridot was simply confused. "Can somebody please explain to me what the hell's going on?"

"Ay, you got somethin' to say, Gay Leprechaun?" the Gay Fish asked Peridot.

"Well yes, actually, I do Mr. Gay Fish! Pearl is responsible for the death of someone very dear to me!"

The Gay Fish waved off Peridot's anger. "Man, Obama was goin' around bombin' children's hospitals and shit!"

"What does that have to do with anything?!"

Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny approached Peridot. "What's going on?" Kyle asked. He stared at the Gay Fish. "Oh, THAT."

"Do you know this clod?" Peridot asked.

"Yeah, this Gay Fish used to be a very famous rapper," Kyle explained. "But then he married a Hobbit and was cursed by Gandalf. Now, he's doomed to forever be a Gay Fish."

"He also likes fish sticks in his mouth," Cartman added.

"Alright, everybody check this out!" the Gay Fish exclaimed, pulling out a red baseball cap. "I got my hat autographed!" Upon closer inspection, one could see that the hat—which had a cute little design of Pearl's face on the front—was signed by Pearl herself. Pearl, of course, didn't quite grasp the very human concept of signatures, so her signature looked more like a seismograph reading.

Peridot glared once again at the Gay Fish. "I think you're deluded. Pearl is a monster."

"Don't try changing his mind, it'll just make him double down," Cartman warned.

"Now look here, Gay Leprechaun!" the Gay Fish began. "She's trying her best! It's a hard fuckin' job! And another thing—" suddenly, the Gay Fish's cellphone began to ring. "Hold up! Hold up, everyone, I gotta take this, it's my Hobbit wife."

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "Wait, you have a wife? I thought you were gay?"

"He's a Gay Fish," Kyle explained. "He's only gay for fish."

"That's idiotic."

Holding his phone in a flipper, the Gay Fish answered the phone call. "Hey, bitch, what's up? ...yeah? ...no, I'm just explaining to these guys— no, I— don't you think I know that? Bitch you know I'm not like that. ...oh! Oh, right, right, I forgot to tell them that part. Okay, okay, okay, right right right. Thank you honey, love you." He made two quick kissing noises into the phone before hanging up.

"That was my Hobbit wife!" he explained. "So my Hobbit wife just called, and she wants you to know— she wanted me to tell you all that… uhhh… oh! That I don't agree with everything Pearl does. I don't agree 100% with anyone but myself!"

Peridot rolled her eyes. "Ugh." She walked away, but the boys followed her.

"I hope you don't think this is over," Cartman said. "That Gay Fish is fuckin' crazy, bro."

"I don't really care."

"You don't understand, Peridot," Kyle warned. "You're on his shit list, now. He's not going to stop at anything to discredit you."

"Again, I don't really care," Peridot said. "He can discredit me. I don't care, he's already allied himself with Pearl, it's not like his opinion matters to me."

"He's got a lot of followers on Twitter," Cartman said. "His opinion matters to thirty million people. That's thirty million people who are going to hate you."

"You know what? Good. Thirty million people hated Lapis, but she was the best thing to happen to me."

Kyle blinked. "I think- I think that's an exaggeration."

"No, I'm serious. LOTS of people hated Lapis for like NO reason."

"Like who?"

"You know, you keep crying about Lapis, but she wasn't even right for you," a random bystander said. "She was, like, toxic and abusive, or whatever."

"She was NOT!" Peridot defended.

"Yeah, Amethyst is way better for you," a different bystander agreed. "Lapis was a piece of shit."

"Amethyst? Hell no," another bystander disagreed.

"Thank you!" Peridot said, satisfied that somebody was defending-

"Peridot CLEARLY belongs with Steven!" This sent the crowd in a frenzy.

Peridot glared at all of the bystanders.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., the White House Correspondents Association was hosting a press dinner party, as it did every year. For the second year in a row, the President didn't attend despite it being customary for them to do so. Instead, President Pearl sent her Press Secretary to represent her. Several of Pearl's allies were also at the dinner, including Bismuth and Former Mayor Dewey—these people were all fuming, as the event's host, was saying some very not-nice things about them.

"So, I see in the audience, we have the Vice President and the Press Secretary," the comedian commented. "Hey, where's that girlfriend the President has from Ocean Town? Let's get her in here, too, they can all sit at the same table, since they all have to take up three seats." Several in the audience laughed uncomfortably. "Yeah? The President's a chubby chaser, that's the joke! She likes fat people!"

Bismuth glared at the comedian and leaned back in her seat. "You people put up with this?"

The Press Secretary nodded. "This administration is being very harshly bullied by the liberal elite."

"Hmm." Bismuth moved her glare to CLASSi, who was laughing hysterically.

"This shit is fuckin' funny!" CLASSi laughed.

"No it isn't, it's demeaning."

CLASSi waved it off. "Oh, psssh. The last President made fun of disabled people and said he was gonna fuck all the Mexicans to death. If the Republicans can't take what they dish out, maybe they should get the fuck out." Several high-ranking Republicans did just that as the comedian continued her routine.

Suddenly, the Gay Fish ran up on stage and snatched the microphone from her. "Hold up! Hold up, I'm gonna let you finish in a minute, but uh… if Pearl… if Pearl is such a bad President, then how come… how come she defeated ISIS? Oh! Oh, you didn't think of that, did you? You know, Obama was great and all, but I ain't got no love for Obama." His phone started to ring. "Hold up just a minute." The Gay Fish answered the call. "Hey bitch, what's goin' on? ...no, I just- ...no, no, bitch, they all know I don't- ...you think I should let them know? Alright, then. I'll- ...yeah, okay, got it, got it, love you." The Gay Fish made two kissing noises into the phone and hung up.

"That was my Hobbit wife just now," the Gay Fish explained. "And, uh, my Hobbit wife wants me to let you know, that uh, I DO got love for Obama. BUT, I ALSO got love for Pearl. I love everybody, man, let's get rid of all the hate in our community! We're making America great again up in here, man!"

* * *

Peridot walked past Tom's Rhinoplasty, where she managed to catch a glimpse of her reflection in the window. She frowned. Randy was right. She WAS putting on weight. She felt along her curves as she realized that her hip-waist ratio was definitely tighter than it was before, owing entirely to the increased size of her midsection. It was getting harder to tell where her bust ended and her waist began, and likewise with her hips. _Nobody's going to draw creepy fan art of this body…_ she thought glumly to herself.

"What are you doing?" Cartman asked, startling Peridot.

"Eric! Where did you come from?"

"My mother says I was an angel sent from above."

Peridot rolled her eyes. "You know what I meant."

"You're just kind of standing there. Staring at the window. Anybody could sneak up on you."

Peridot frowned and looked back at her reflection. "I think I'm getting fat."

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "I thought you don't eat."

"I don't, but…" Peridot sighed. "Gems' bodies are just light holograms projected by our gemstones. Our appearance is susceptible to our own personal perceptions of ourselves."

"Oh, that's why you're shorter than a third grader sometimes and taller than Steven other times."

Peridot nodded. "Lapis made me feel so small and vulnerable. Because she made me feel like it was SAFE to be small and vulnerable. Consequently, I was considerably shorter whenever I was around her. But now that she's gone, I just… I feel like my life has no purpose. I feel like I'm… letting myself go."

"So you're not getting fat. You're getting big boned," Cartman pointed out. "Just like me. Everyone thinks I'm fat, but actually, I'm just big boned."

Peridot just stared blankly at Cartman. "Sure you are, Eric."

Suddenly, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters ran up to Cartman and Peridot. "Dude!" Kyle yelled. "You HAVE to come to City Hall, right now!"

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Th-there's a shipping war!" Butters stammered out. "It's gettin' really bad!"

"Shipping war?"

Kyle turned around and motioned for the others to follow. "Your little outburst yesterday inspired change in the town. Everybody wants to change the name of the town, but they can't agree on what to change it to."

"What are the options?" Peridot asked.

The group arrived at City Hall, where the people of South Park were gathered and yelling at the mayor. "Rabble rabble rabble, rabble rabble-"

"People, people, please!" the mayor begged. "We need to handle this in a civil fashion! We're going to take a vote. All in favor of renaming the town 'Lapidot Park', raise your hands."

A third of the town raised their hands, while Peridot raised her eyebrows. "Lapidot Park…?" she muttered. "What the hell?"

Mayor McDaniels individually counted all of the hands. "Okay, put your hands down. All in favor of naming the town 'Amedot Park', raise your hands." Another third of the town raised their hands.

"What's going on?" Peridot asked the boys.

"A shipping war, we already told you, dumbass," Kyle replied.

"Okay, everyone in favor of naming the town 'Stevedot Park', raise your hands," the mayor commanded. She counted the hands. "Okay, some people are missing. Who didn't vote?"

Bob White raised his hand. "Once again, this town is ignoring the Whites!" he yelled. "How come Jaspis Park isn't an option? The system is rigged, I tell you, rigged!"

Randy rolled his eyes. "Bob, come on, Jaspis Park didn't even make it past the primaries."

"You know, if Jaspis Park was an option, and it wasn't screwed over by Lapidot Park during the primaries, it would have WON!" Bob yelled. The entire town groaned. "I'm just saying, I'm JUST. SAYING. I'm just saying. Jaspis would have won, you guys, that's all I'm saying."

"What's 'Jaspis'?" Peridot whispered to Butters.

"That's the ship between Lapis and Jasper!" Butters said, smiling. "I suggested that one!"

Peridot glared at Butters. "You don't even know what Jasper was like."

"Aw, you all say really mean things, but I bet she's a real softie deep down inside."

"Yeah, Peridot, I bet you're just jealous," Cartman added.

Peridot rolled her eyes. "First of all! Lapis is dead! So I don't even have anything to be jealous OF at this point! Second of all! Okay? Are you listening, obese human? Second of all! The PROPER Jasper ship is Jas _pearl_ , because both of them are EVIL! Third of all, I don't CARE about your creepy obsession with wildly FICTIONAL pairings of me and my friends, because they're just that. FICTIONAL. And lastly… don't you think renaming the town for ANY of these pairings is a bit ridiculous?"

Kyle nodded. "Well, yeah, WE do, but nobody listens to us, we're kids."

The green gem groaned. She immediately regretted it, as it drew everyone's attention to her. "Why don't we ask her?" the mayor asked.

Peridot's eyes widened. "What?"

Stephen Stotch stepped forward. "Yeah! Why don't YOU tell us what we should rename South Park?"

"Oh, gee, I don't know…" Peridot said, scratching the back of her head. "I mean… do you really NEED to change the town's—"

"Yes." Randy said sharply.

Peridot coughed awkwardly. "Okay. Um… if I HAD to choose, I would choose, uh… Lapidot Park. Because I cared for Lapis. Dearly. And now that she's gone, I just… I don't know. Do we have to do this? This all seems unnecessary."

The crowd went fucking _nuts_. The Lapidot Park camp began to celebrate—the other sides weren't so happy.

"Oh, you're _dead_ , bitch!" one man yelled. He led the other shippers to charge Peridot and the boys.

Peridot yelled. "Agh! Run!" She turned around and began to run away, with the boys following close behind. The angry mob chased the group through South Park. Suddenly, Kenny tripped. Peridot turned around and stared, eyes wide. "Kenny!"

"Go on without me!" Kenny yelled.

Peridot ran back to Kenny and picked him up off the ground before the crowd could stampede him. "I don't CARE if you can come back, I won't let Lapis's sacrifice go to waste!" Peridot continued to run, dragging Kenny behind her. Once she caught up with the group, they turned the corner—and ran into the Gay Fish.

"Hey, hold up, we got unfinished business!" the Gay Fish exclaimed.

Kyle screamed. "AHH! Run the other way!" The group turned around, but the crowd was in that direction. Peridot looked across the street, where the old ruins of SoDoSoPa were.

"In here!" Peridot led the group into the ruins and kicked open the doors to one of the abandoned buildings. Once Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters were inside, she shut the door, and leaned against the wall. She slid down onto her butt and started to cry. "I'm not built to handle this…" she muttered. Her tears stopped, however, as she heard somebody kick a can nearby. She glanced over at the boys.

"Th-that wasn't us!" Butters whispered. The others shook their heads as well.

Peridot stared out into the dark room. "Who's there?" she asked cautiously. Footsteps could be heard from within the darkness. Peridot stood up and took a defensive stance as a tall figure approached her.

"Hello, Peridot," the figure said. Garnet dramatically stepped out of the shadows. "It's been a while." Peridot immediately started screaming, and Garnet frowned. "Uh—no, no, don't—wait, listen—"

"Get away from me!" Peridot demanded as she backed up into the wall.

"Peridot, please, listen—" Garnet stared at the kids. "Children, please, I'm…" she stopped when she realized that Butters looked _afraid_ of her. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny were just glaring at her. Peridot stepped in front of the kids.

"Back off," Peridot commanded, her voice shaky. She was clearly scared too.

Garnet sighed, and put a hand to her face. "I have a lot of explaining to do, don't I?"

Kyle stepped forward. "Yeah! You do! What, are you here to finish off the Renegades?"

"I'm here to JOIN the Renegades," Garnet corrected.

"You aren't welcome," Peridot barked. "Leave."

"Please, just… allow me to explain myself, and my actions."

Peridot didn't stop glaring. "You have five minutes. This better be a REALLY good story."

* * *

The Gay Fish walked through South Park, looking for Peridot. "Hey, where'd you go?" he yelled between the houses. "Girl, we weren't done talking! I wanted to talk about peace and love on the planet earth!" The Fish turned around to see that one of his friends, a blonde-haired man in an aquatic super suit, was nearby. "Seamen? What are you doing here?"

"That's SeaMAN," Seaman corrected. "I am one MAN. Not many MEN. SeaMAN. Not- not semen."

"Yeah, yeah, of course, man, how's it hangin'?"

Seaman sighed. "Mr. West, the Super Best Friends sent me. It's about your recent pro-Pearl crusade."

"Nah, nah, man, you're misunderstanding me!" the Gay Fish said. "It's not a pro-Pearl crusade, it is a pro-peace-and-love crusade! And Pearl just HAPPENS to be on the side of peace!"

"She's waging war with the Canadians, the British, and the French."

The Gay Fish waved a flipper. "Man, you're just too caught up in the details."

"Listen, the Super Best Friends appreciate the message of love and peace you're trying to send," Seaman began, "but… you're doing it like a psychotic asshole."

"...excuse me?"

"You're going around picking fights on TMZ and making a nuisance of yourself on Twitter," Seaman said. "You need to knock it off."

"Man, you're just a jelly hater!"

"This is purely damage control." Seaman turned around and put his hands behind his back. "The Super Best Friends are already dealing with some bad news. You see, prior to the creation of the Super Best Friends, one of our founding members, Rose Quartz, led a rebellion against Pink Diamond, an alien who was colonizing this planet thousands of years ago. Pink Diamond was supposedly shattered at the end of that war. Recently, however, we discovered that Rose Quartz didn't shatter Pink Diamond—she WAS Pink Diamond, and she faked her own death to start a new life on Earth."

Seaman turned back around. "As you might imagine, if this information were to get out, it would be quite problematic. Your stunts aren't helping. If people realized you were a member of the Super Best Friends, they might start asking questions about the reputation of our other members, Rose Quartz included."

The Gay Fish glared at Seaman. "So what you're saying is you're trying to save your own fuckin' skin."

"Well, honestly, it would benefit YOU if you just stopped talking," Seaman admitted. "You're really talented, and a lot of people like you. I'd hate to see you throw that away to support somebody like Pearl."

The angry mob from before arrived. "Did anybody see where Peridot went?" Stephen Stotch asked. "We're gonna kick her teeth in for supporting the wrong ship! Then, we're gonna cyberbully her until she quits Twitter, and maybe later we'll go cyberbully a young artist on Tumblr until she kills herself!"

Seaman raised an eyebrow. "Peridot? Are you guys talking about the little gay leprechaun I just saw run into SoDoSoPa?"

"That's her!" Stephen exclaimed. "Let's go get her!" The crowd rabbled their way into SoDoSoPa.

* * *

"So you see, Peridot," Garnet finished her story, "I never wanted for any of this to go this far. _We_ never wanted it to go so far. This war was a mistake. I see that now. But Pearl and Bismuth haven't had their eyes opened to that yet. So please… I want to help you end this."

Peridot's glare didn't let up. "You didn't say a _word_ about Lapis."

Garnet frowned. "...I…"

"I will never forget, or forgive, what happened to her," Peridot said in a low voice. "You knew what could have happened and you did nothing to stop it. The way I see it, you're just as guilty as Pearl and Bismuth are. So don't give me that 'I should have known better' bullshit. You DID know better. You just didn't care."

"That's… fair." Garnet and Peridot stared at each other for a tense moment.

"I promised myself I would kill you, Pearl, and Bismuth if I ever saw you again," Peridot muttered.

Garnet nodded, and held out her hands. Her two Gemstones—Ruby and Sapphire—were out in the open, totally vulnerable. "If that is what you must do, I won't protest. I only ask that you shatter both halves at the same time."

"Oh, hamburgers!" Butters exclaimed.

Peridot scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You're only offering up your life because your future vision is telling you that I've already decided that you're not worth the trouble."

Garnet frowned. "Okay, but… it's the thought that counts, right?"

"If you really plan to redeem yourself, just know that you can't, not in my eyes," Peridot warned. "If you want to get ANYWHERE close, you're going to have to try really, really hard."

"Like I said, I'm prepared to help in any way I can," Garnet replied, nodding. "Let me begin by helping you out of your current predicament."

"My current predicament?" Peridot asked, slightly confused. She was startled by a loud banging on the door behind her.

"Peridot, are you in there?!" Stephen Stotch said on the other side. "We're here to teach you a lesson for trying to take control of your own life!"

"Oh, right," Peridot said with a dry laugh. "THAT predicament."

Peridot stepped out of the building, with Garnet and the boys following close behind her. An angry mob, led by Butters' dad, stood in front of her, pitchforks and tiki torches already raised. She scoffed and rolled her eyes. "A little overkill, don't you think?"

"Shipping is VERY serious business," Stephen disagreed. He glanced at his son. "Butters, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ground you for supporting the wrong ship."

Butters frowned. "Aw, h-hamburgers…"

"Look, what do you want from me?" Peridot asked. "I'm not going to indulge in your fantasies if it's not what I want."

"Allow me," Garnet said, stepping in front of Peridot. "People of South Park! I have a suggestion that may solve all of your problems!"

"Aren't you one of the Crystal Gems?" Gerald Broflovski asked. "Why should we listen to you? Your stupid war with the Canadians is the REASON our lives suck right now!"

Ike, who was standing next to his parents, glared at Garnet. "Seven foot tall, Minecraft hair piece of shit!" he exclaimed.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Ike, come on, knock it off."

"No, they have every right to be upset with me, just as Peridot does and just as you boys do," Garnet lamented. "But I'm here to make it up to you! You guys are so busy dividing yourselves over silly things like this… but this country's already divided enough. Can you really afford to divide yourselves more?"

"Yes," Stephen answered quickly.

Garnet stared blankly at the crowd. "Oh. ...well, that's all I've got."

"Seriously?" Peridot asked.

"Hey, hey, hold up!" the Gay Fish called out, pushing his way through the crowd. "Now what the fuck do y'all think you're doing? Why can't we all just love each other?"

"Move it, Gay Fish, aren't you just as pissed off at Peridot as we are?" Stephen asked.

"Hell yeah I'm pissed off at her!" the Gay Fish replied, placing a flipper on Peridot's shoulder. "But I still love her!"

"Oh my god, he's wet and slimy," Peridot said in disgust. "Have you ACTUALLY been swimming around in the ocean?"

"Look man, we all gotta be mad sometimes!" the Gay Fish continues. "But if we STAY MAD, all we doin' is hurtin' our community! That's WHY I'm standin' behind Pearl, and it's why I'll stand behind Peridot, too! I don't gotta agree with them to know that when THEY succeed, we ALL succeed.

"I know Pearl's waging an illegal war in the north! But unless we SHOW HER that love and compassion are king, she's just gonna keep doing it!" The Gay Fish glanced down at Peridot. "I hope the Crystal Renegades succeed in getting her to back down, so we can get back to what MATTERS; making our planet great."

Kyle smiled. "Yeah! Don't you guys see? If we don't get together as a community, all of our problems are just gonna get worse. Maybe, what we all need to do, is put our political differences aside, drop the shipping wars, and work TOGETHER to stop the war with the Canadians!"

The citizens of South Park didn't seem satisfied.

Garnet cleared her throat. "Ahem. If that doesn't convince you, I do have ONE more solution. Have you ever heard of… fanfiction?"

Stephen Stotch frowned. "What the hell is that?"

"You can write whatever you want about whatever or WHOEVER you want, publish it on the internet, and find like-minded fans who agree with whatever point you're trying to make," Garnet explained. "And if anybody tells you that you're wrong, you can just block them or disable the comments and create your own little echo chamber."

A random citizen smiled. "Hey… yeah, she's right! Who needs real life when we can escape into our fantasies?"

Stephen turned to the crowd. "Come on, everybody! Let's go write our own Stevedot stories!"

The crowd very quickly dispersed. Peridot wasn't pleased, however. "Well, that's disturbing. How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing people are writing fanfictions about me?" She, and the others, stayed silent for just a moment as they stared blankly at the building's across the street.

"Hey, you know, Peridot, I hope you know I ain't never gonna hold a grudge on you 'cause we got different opinions," the Gay Fish said finally. "I just want everybody to love each other and shit."

"I understand, Mr. Fish," Peridot sighed. "But I can't share your message of love when it comes to Pearl. She has to pay for what she and Bismuth have done."

Garnet shook her head. "About that… Peridot. There's something about Pearl that you don't know."

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "And that is…?"

"She's not herself. Something is very wrong with her, and just before I left the White House, I was able to figure out what."

Kyle tilted his head. "What is it?"

"Follow me," Garnet said, leading the way. "It's best I show you."

Randy approached the group. "Garnet? What are you doing here?"

"She's joining the good guys again!" Butters exclaimed. "I- I think she is, I mean…"

Randy shrugged. "Hey, you kids haven't seen Stan anywhere, have you?"

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "No, we haven't seen him or Steven all day."

"Damn it…" Randy muttered. "Where the hell is he?"

Garnet thought for a moment. Maybe if she looked into the branching paths of the future, she could find…

Her eyes widened. "Your son is in danger," Garnet said quietly.

"What?"

"I can see him, and he's somewhere unlike any place I've ever seen on Earth before!" Garnet said, alarmed. "All around him is fire, lava, and brimstone… where is he?!"

Kenny raised his eyebrows. No… it couldn't be…

"...I- I think I know where Stan is…" Kenny muttered. "A-and I don't think you guys are gonna like it…"

Kyle looked over at Kenny. "What are you talking about?"

Kenny glanced over at the nearby street. A car was approaching. "Sorry, guys!" he apologized. "I have to go take care of something." Kenny hurled himself in front of the car—but Peridot quickly pulled him back out of the street, and the car sped right past him.

"Yeah, no," she said. "I don't know what you think you're doing, but I already told you earlier we AREN'T doing this."

"No, you don't understand!" Kenny exclaimed. "I need to—"

"Come on, we have to go find Stanley!" Garnet interrupted. "Maybe he's—maybe he's stuck in a volcano or something!"

"Come on, Kenny, let's go," Peridot said as she began to drag Kenny behind her. "Let's go find Stan."

"You don't understand, you aren't GOING to find him!"

"Well, not with that attitude."

The group began to search for Stan, dragging a protesting Kenny with them.


	21. Chapter 20: Satan's Puppets

**A/N: This is the second half of today's update, titled "Satan's Puppets". Go read the previous chapter if you haven't yet.**

* * *

Stan groaned. His head hurt. His arms hurt. His legs hurt. Everything hurt. "Ugh… L-Lion?" he said groggily as he opened his eyes and stared at the ground beneath him. "Steven? Lars? Beryl?" Propping himself up, Stan looked around as his vision cleared up. What he saw greatly startled him, and he gasped as he fell onto his butt. "Whoa, shit!"

All around him was fire. Everything was burning. He appeared to be on a shore, only instead of ocean, it was lava. "Where the hell am I?!"

"I believe you've just answered your own question," a deep voice said from behind him. Startled, Stan turned around and found himself face to face with…

"Y-you're… you're the devil!" Stan exclaimed.

"I expected to see Kenny here, Stanley," Satan sighed. "I didn't think you would end up here so soon."

Stan looked around. "But where is 'here'?! What the hell's going on?!"

"I'm going to break it down for you, Stan." Satan gestured to the burning hellscape behind him. "This is Hell. You're in Hell."

"Hell?! But that means I'm—"

"Dead, yes."

"Oh my god!" Stan exclaimed. "They killed… ME!" Stan glared up at the cave's ceiling and shouted at the top of his lungs, "YOU BASTARDS!"

"Yes, it's very unfortunate," Satan said. "Now can you go wait in that line? We're SUPER backed up because of the war."

Stan raised an eyebrow. "The war? Am I back in 2018? I thought I was in the past."

"Newsflash, dumbass," Satan said condescendingly. "Death transcends time. You died in 1998, but Hell has no concept of anything besides eternity. There is no future, no past, only right now."

"Okay, Jesus Christ, you don't have to be such a dick about it."

"I'm Satan. Now get in line, kid."

Satan pointed to a very long line nearby, where several Canadians and Americans who had presumably been killed in battle waited. Stan groaned and walked to the end of the line. In front of him was a Canadian man. Slightly father up ahead, Stan could see former First Roommate Barbara Bush, as well as Avicii.

"So, what are you in for, buddy?" the Canadian asked.

"Uh, I think I froze in the cold depths of space," Stan answered.

"That's rough, friend. I was shot by an American soldier trying to protect my wife and kids. They are also here." The Canadian paused. "Your government fucking sucks, guy."

"Yeah, I know…" Stan groaned. He looked ahead. This line stretched for a while. "Guess I'm waiting…" he muttered. This was gonna suck.

Satan shook his head and walked ahead of the line, meeting up with Steve Bannon on the way back to their house. "We're so fucking backed up…" Satan muttered.

"We're going to be even more backed up if this apocalypse comes to pass," Bannon replied. "This shit is getting out of hand."

"Okay, look, if this apocalypse shit actually happens, we'll just rise up to the surface and reclaim Earth for the damned."

"We already did that with Florida, Satan," Bannon groaned. "It didn't help the overpopulation problem at all."

"Well it's all I can think of right now, okay?" Satan opened the door into his house and held it for Steve, who walked on ahead. "Something is better than nothing, right?"

"Ending the war between the Canadians and the Americans would be preferable."

"Fat chance, the Crystal Gems are fucking insane."

"Speak of the Devil," Bannon said as he glanced out the window. "Uh, not you. Her." He pointed to a nearby lava lake, at the edge of which a face we haven't seen in a while stood.

Lapis Lazuli sighed as she recalled her first days in Hell.

* * *

The first thing she noticed was the heat. At the time, she'd been confused, as it was a rather chilly day in Beach City. She noticed slightly afterwards, however, that she wasn't in Beach City. This place… she'd been here before, and although she didn't remember the exact circumstances of coming here, she knew what it was.

"I'm sorry," a deep voice behind her muttered. Lapis turned around, and was face to face with Satan. "Welcome back, Ms. Lazuli."

"I'm in Hell."

"Yes, you are."

"Am I dead?" Lapis asked. Satan nodded slowly, causing Lapis to gasp softly. She knew this stupid war would end badly for her… she shouldn't have come back to Earth. "...is Kenny okay?"

"Excuse me?"

"I died trying to save a boy named Kenny, from South Park. Is he okay?"

Satan slowly nodded again. "Yes. Kenny McCormick is alive and well. Your sacrifice was not in vain."

Lapis turned back around. "Then, I suppose I made the right decision."

Satan was at a loss for words. "You're serious."

"Yeah."

"You think saving Kenny was worth your own life? Seriously?"

"Yes."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"You're crazy."

"Nuh uh."

"Yuh huh."

Lapis glared at Satan. "Can we just get my eternal torment over with already?" she asked, rolling her eyes. "I have things to do."

"I- things to do?" Satan asked, slightly offended. "You're in _Hell._ This is _eternal_! Do I have to play the fucking song for you again?"

"No, I don't want to hear the song again," Lapis groaned, crossing her arms.

"Okay, well, look, I don't know what the fuck you want from me," Satan said as he glared at Lapis. "You know, we like to have FUN here in Hell, but if you're just going to be a frigid bitch the whole time, why bother?"

"Excuse me, I'm DEAD!" Lapis exclaimed, glaring at Satan. "I need some time to cope, thanks!"

"Whatever." Satan walked away and let Lapis mope. Lapis was then approached by Rose Quartz, who was watching the exchange from nearby.

"Lapis Lazuli?" Rose asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Your Crystal Gems shattered me."

"What?"

"Yeah, they were trying to kill a small boy."

" _What?!"_ Rose looked horrified. "Surely you're joking."

"Oh, yeah, gee, I wonder where they got the idea that shattering other Gems okay," Lapis rolled her eyes. "They only did it because YOU did it first."

"Okay, but Pearl knows that I—" she stopped. "...is Pearl still there?"

"Yeah, she's leading this whole dumb crusade against the Canadians."

"The Canadians?"

"Are you going to keep asking questions?"

"You're dropping a lot on me at once!"

" _I'm dead!"_ Lapis exclaimed once more. "You can't tell me I don't have a right to be pissed off!"

"Wait. Wait. You know the Crystal Gems?" Rose asked.

"Yes, and I hate them."

"And Steven?"

"Oh, he's fine, but the REST? Oooooh, I can't stand them." Lapis continued to glare at Rose. "Did I mention it's YOUR fault? Because it's your fault."

Suddenly, Rose and Lapis were approached by a large African American man in a chef's hat and apron. The word "CHEF" was emblazoned on the front of his apron. "Hello there, everyone!" the man greeted.

"Hey, Chef," Rose greeted.

"How's it goin'?"

"Bad," Lapis answered.

"Why bad?" Chef asked.

"I'm _dead,_ " Lapis repeated once more. "Doesn't anyone get this? Being dead sucks. It blows. It sucks AND blows _._ "

Chef frowned. "Oh, I see the problem, now. You're new to Hell, aren't you?"

"Yes, I just died." Lapis pointed to Rose. "Her stupid cult shattered me. I was finally reunited with Peridot for, like, five minutes, and now I'm dead."

Chef put a hand on Lapis's shoulder and led her away from Rose. "Now I know, this is gonna be hard to deal with at first. But it's not so bad down here! I'll show you that even the damned can have a little bit of fun, with the help of some friends I made down here! Hey, fellas! Come on down here!" Michael Jackson, Barry White, and Bruno Mars soon arrived. "Meet my friends! Michael, Barry, and Bruno, this is…"

"Lapis Lazuli," Lapis greeted. She glanced at Bruno Mars. "Hey, wait a second, I didn't know you died."

"Yeah, yeah, don't tell anyone, it's a secret," Bruno Mars shushed. "I died alone in a Wall-Mart bathroom during a failed experiment in autoerotic asphyxiation. Nobody found my body. If nobody KNOWS you died, you can go back to Earth whenever you want. It's a neat little loophole."

"Oh," Lapis hummed. "I wonder if anyone saw me die."

 _Bismuth released some of the pressure, allowing Lapis to breathe. "Goodbye, Lazuli." Suddenly, she forced her foot down, completely shattering Lapis's gemstone and obliterating her metaphysical form._

 _Peridot screamed in emotional agony. "NO!" she shouted, tears rushing down her face. "No, no, no no no!" She ran over to what remained of Lapis as Bismuth walked away._

 _Pearl didn't look very good either. Actually, she looked mortified. "Oh my god… you… you… you just…"_

" _I taught them a lesson," Bismuth said as she pushed past Pearl. "If you want to deliver a message, sometimes, you gotta kill the messenger."_

Lapis hummed again. "Hmm. Yup. Everybody definitely saw me die. That sucks."

"Hey, forget about the people on the surface!" Chef said. "You're down here now, and it's not as bad as you think! I'll tell you what. My friends and I will show you all the fun things you can do! Come on, gang!"

Chef and his crew showed Lapis all around the deepest pits of Hell. Together, they explored the nine circles of Hell, starting with the first circle, Limbo. It was exactly identical to Miami, Florida. "This is where most people go when they die," Chef explained. "I live a little bit further down. If you're lucky, you can spot a celebrity or two walking around! Look, there's the Kennedy's!" Chef waved to former US President John F. Kennedy, who was taking a walk with his son, John F. Kennedy Jr. "Howdy ho, Mr. President! Say hello to Jackie for me, will you?"

Lapis didn't know who John F. Kennedy was, but she WAS curious about another potential resident of Hell. "I'm curious. Where in Hell is Pink Diamond?" she asked.

Chef was confused. "Who the hell is Pink Diamond?"

Lapis shrugged. "Ah, whatever, it's not important. She was one of the leaders of my species, back on Homeworld, until she was shattered." She watched as Rose Quartz walked past. "She looked like her, only skinnier and with a worse haircut."

Rose turned around and glared at Lapis. "I'll have you know that Pink Diamond worked very hard on her haircut!"

"What? Why do you care?"

Rose stayed silent for a moment. "I don't care," she said finally, before turning back around and walking away at a brisk pace.

 _What a bitch,_ Lapis thought to herself as she was led by Chef to the next circle of Hell; Lust.

"This is Lust, the second circle of Hell!" Chef explained. "I live here!"

"What's so great about it?" Lapis asked. Suddenly, two completely topless women approached her and Chef. "Oh. _That's_ what's so great about it," she said with a slight smile.

"Well, what do we have here?" one of the women asked in a sultry tone. "Sounds like you two need a little bit of _tender love and care."_

Chef groaned as he began to sweat. "Ooh, god damn, girl… sorry, sorry, not tonight, ladies."

"Awwwww!"

"I have to show my new friend around!" Chef excused. "I promise, I'll be back later!"

The other woman smirked, and looked at Lapis. "New friend, eh? Oh, we just _adore_ new friends. Why don't you come with us, for a bit, we'll show you what _lust_ is all about."

Lapis shrugged as the two women dragged her away from Chef. "It's not like I have anything else planned. Hey, do you guys have a bathroom anywhere, I haven't peed in, like, two thousand years." The women led Lapis into a building with bright neon signage above the door that read "The Peppermint Hippo", which confused Lapis. "Uh, hey, wait, this is a business back on Earth."

The first woman nodded. "The Peppermint Hippo's founder was a pimp by the name of 'Jizzy'. He was killed in California by a deranged gangster in 1992, and when he came to Hell, he opened another chain down here."

"You know, I've never been inside," Lapis pondered. "I wonder what— _whoa."_ Lapis stopped in her tracks as she got a good look at what was inside—or, to be more precise, as she got a good look at what was OUTSIDE.

Several attractive demon women in very provocative clothing walked the floor, some carrying drinks, some attempting to "entertain" patrons. Their outfits left very little to the imagination. On a raised platform, dancing on a pole, was a demon wearing almost nothing at all—her top had been removed as part of her routine, and several patrons threw dollar bills at her while she made rather suggestive movements on the stage.

Lapis WANTED to protest the blatant objectification of these demon women… but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't _slightly_ aroused by all of it. Besides which, they all seemed to be enjoying it, so more power to them. Lapis couldn't help but stare as a demon with rather large breasts, held back by a tight corset, walked by, her hips swaying to the music.

"These girls FEED off of the attention these drunken bozos give them," one of Lapis's escorts explained. "Lust demons thrive in this environment. Sexual energy sustains them, and the sleazeballs get to watch while they do their thing. It's a mutually beneficial relationship."

"I guess that makes sense…" Lapis said, putting a finger to her chin. "But I don't—whoa, wait, where are you taking me?" she asked as the corset demon started dragging her into the next room, through a door labeled "VIP". "What's a 'vip'?" Lapis questioned, pronouncing the acronym as if it were a word. "It sounds like a slur, I don't think—WHOA!" The demon pushed Lapis onto a seat. "What's the big id-" Lapis let out a soft gasp when she looked up.

The demon began to transform. She grew shorter, her red skin turned green, her horns disappeared, she grew a large Peri-fro…

She had transformed into Peridot, although she was still wearing her previous attire, with some modifications—on the corset, a large Yellow Diamond insignia was displayed in the center of her chest, with the point drawing attention to her cleavage. The demon's thigh high socks were now dark green, with Yellow Diamond insignias on each knee. The most striking change, at least in Lapis's eyes, was that the demon neglected to mimic Peridot's visor, leaving her heterochromic eyes—which the real Peridot was self-conscious aboot—completely exposed.

"Well, Lazuli," the demon said as she leaned forward, perfectly mimicking Peridot's Shelby Rabarian accent. "Do you like what you see?"

Lapis didn't look like she liked it at all. In fact, she looked rather sad. "Gee, thanks for reminding me what I left behind," she said. "Now I'm horny AND depressed."

The demon frowned. "Uh… ah, shit…" Lapis pushed her out of the way and walked towards the exit. "W-Wait!"

"And just for the record," Lapis said, turning back around, "I don't think Peridot even knows what sex IS. Know your character before you role play."

Lapis slammed the door, leaving the Peri-Demon all alone. She rejoined Chef outside. "Hello there, Lapis!" Chef greeted. "How's it goin'?"

"Bad."

"Why bad?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Just take me to the next circle of Hell or whatever," she demanded. "I don't want to be anywhere near Lust."

Chef looked confused. "Okay, then… follow me."

Next, Chef took Lapis to the third circle of Hell, Gluttony. Here, Lapis was surprised to see hundreds of adult humans who looked almost identical to Eric Cartman.

"Boy, that sure is a lot of Cartmans," she muttered.

"You know Eric?" Chef questioned.

"I've had the… er… displeasure of meeting him."

"Small world. This is probably where he'll end up, fat as he is."

The area erupted in dozens of simultaneous "EY!"s.

"God damn it, we're not fat, we're big boned!" one of the fat humans complained.

"Yeah!" another said. "You better respect our authoritah if you know what's good for you!"

"Okay, I'm bored, let's move on," Lapis said as she and Chef moved deeper into Hell, to the fourth circle—Greed. Here, they saw more Eric Cartman look-alikes, but they also saw lawyers, politicians, and celebrity businessman Donald Trump. Next, they went to the fifth circle—Anger. This circle of Hell was populated entirely by men with tiny penises, including several Eric Cartman look-alikes and celebrity businessman Donald Trump.

In the sixth circle, Heresy, they found all of the radio DJs that pretended to be prophets of god in the early 2010s. In the seventh circle, Violence, they found every serial killer ever, including Jeffrey Dahmer, who stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse, as well as Charles Manson, who was once taught the meaning of Christmas by Stan Marsh and his friends. In the eighth circle, Fraud, they found more lawyers, politicians, game developers Todd Howard and Peter Molyneux, and celebrity businessman Donald Trump.

Finally, they reached the ninth circle of Hell—Treachery. It was here that Satan himself resided, being the most treacherous of all. I don't have to explain that to you, right?

Anyway, Lapis and Chef came to the gates of Satan's neighborhood. Yeah, Satan lives in a gated community, a bunch of gangbangers and serial killers live two circles over and he wants to keep the property values up, fuck you.

So Chef and Lapis approached the gates. Ordinarily, Chef had to get permission to come in here, but as Lapis approached, the gates automatically opened. "Oh, wow. This must be where you live!" Chef commented. "Damn, you must've really fucked someone over in life."

"I can think of a few people…" Lapis muttered thoughtfully. "So does that mean I'm, like, queen of Hell?"

Chef blinked. "That- that's not what that—"

"Alright, queen of Hell, I can get used to this!"

"Lapis, you aren't the queen of Hell."

"Oh." Lapis looked depressed again. "That's… fine, I guess."

Satan approached Chef and Lapis. "Oh, it's you again. Are you coping, now?"

"No, this sucks."

Satan rolled his eyes. "Okay, well, listen, I forgot to tell you before I left, since you sacrificed yourself to save another, I'm technically supposed to give you one rule-free wish."

"I wish I was alive again!" Lapis said excitedly.

"Except for that. You can't wish yourself back to life. That's the only rule."

"Damn it! What's the point then?!"

Chef put a hand on Lapis's shoulder. "Now, Lapis, it's like I've been trying to tell you. Living down here isn't so bad. You'll get used to it, eventually."

"Whatever," Lapis said, shaking Chef's hand off of her shoulder and stomping off.

* * *

Back in the present day, Lapis still hadn't gotten used to it. She missed Peridot, Steven, and Pumpkin. And Craig. She missed Craig, too. Satan approached her. "Hey, are you just gonna stand in my backyard all day?"

"Yes."

"Look, one of those kids from South Park is here."

Lapis' eyes widened. She turned around. "What?! Who?!"

"Stanley. He was killed helping Steven escape from—" Satan grinned as he was pushed aside by Lapis, who started flying to Hell's entrance.

* * *

Stan, meanwhile, was still waiting in that long-ass line. Chef walked by, humming happily to himself. "Chef?" Stan said, confused.

"Hello there, children!" Chef greeted as he continued walking along. He stopped a few steps later, realizing something wasn't right. He turned around. "Ch-children?!"

"Hey, Chef."

"Stan! What in the god damn fuck is your dumb cracker ass doing here?!" Chef asked urgently. "This is not a place for children like you!"

"I don't exactly have a choice," Stan muttered. "I died."

"What's going on?" Rose Quartz asked, approaching Chef and Stan. Stan glared at her.

"Oh, great, you're here," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Do I know you?"

"You fucked my dad, you fat bitch."

"Mm, yes. You must be Bill Clinton's son."

"I'm Randy Marsh's son, asshole!"

Rose's eyes widened. "Randy?"

Stan nodded. "Yeah! The name's Stan Marsh, and I just got myself killed trying to save _your son_."

"Stan, there are so many things you don't understand," Rose said cryptically as she turned around and put her hands behind her back. "I loved your father. I'd have done anything for him. But he decided I wasn't good enough, and left me for Sharon."

"Yeah, he made the right fuckin' choice! _Pink Diamond._ "

Rose's eyes widened. She turned back around and stared at Stan. "I- I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're _just as bad_ as Pink Diamond."

Rose sighed in relief. "Oh, THAT'S what you meant. Well, listen, Stan, I do appreciate you sacrificing yourself to ensure that Steven can continue to live."

"I'd do it again—but not for _you."_

Lapis arrived. "Stan?! Stan! What are you doing here?!"

Stan's attention was drawn to Lapis. "Lapis Lazuli? You're here, too?"

"Well, yeah, isn't this where everyone goes when they die? Seriously, though, what are you doing here?!"

"I died trying to save Steven," Stan sighed. "Man, this fucking sucks."

"You need to get out of here, children!" Chef warned. "You have so much to look forward to, in the future! Don't ruin it by staying here!"

"But how?"

Lapis saw Bruno Mars walk by. She had an idea. "Stan," she began. "Where did you die?"

"In space."

"Did anybody see you?"

Stan shook his head. "It was just me and Lion out there, and Lion was knocked unconscious. Nobody saw me die."

Lapis nodded. "I see." Satan approached her. "Satan. I would like to use my wish."

"You get a wish?" Stan asked.

"I wish Stan was alive again," Lapis said. "Nobody saw him die. That means he's exempt from the rule, right?"

Satan nodded. "Are you sure about this?" he asked. "You can wish for ANYTHING else."

Stan shook his head. "Lapis, you already gave your life to save Kenny. Don't use your one wish on me. I'll be fine."

Lapis hummed. "Hmmmm. Nah. I'm gonna use it on you."

"So be it," Satan nodded. "Stanley… prepare yourself…"

"Wait!" Stan protested. "Lapis, Peridot misses you. Like, she REALLY misses you. She in LOVE with you, dude! At LEAST let me pass on a message, or something!"

Lapis knelt down to Stan's level. "Tell her to move on."

"What?!" Stan started fading away. "Oh, shit. Lapis, what the fuck are you talking about?!"

"She doesn't need me. She never did. She was fine BEFORE I arrived, she'll be fine after the war's finally over, too. But she HAS to move on."

"That's not happening."

Lapis shrugged. "She can do it."

"No, she can't."

"Yuh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"She's planning to fucking assassinate Pearl over your death!" Stan yelled.

Lapis was shocked by that assertion. "She is?"

"She's LITERALLY willing to commit murder to avenge you!"

"Okay, Stan, you have to listen to me. Tell Peridot NOT to do anything stupid!"

"Okay, time's up," Satan said, bored with the conversation. "Have fun being alive, Stanley."

"Wait! Stan!" Lapis called out as Stan faded away. "Tell Peridot to—" Stan was gone. "Damn it!"

* * *

Stan gasped for breath as air returned to his lungs. He rolled over and started coughing… Wait. He wasn't in space anymore. Still coughing, he realized he was lying on a metal floor. He turned around.

Steven, Lars, and the Off-Colors surrounded him. Steven had tears in his eyes, but he wasn't crying, yet. "Stan!" Steven called out, hugging the boy he still considered a friend despite their many differences. "I thought you… we ALL thought…"

"What the hell happened?" Stan asked.

"I- I went back through Lars's hair to thank you for helping us…" Steven explained. "That's when I realized Lion was knocked out, and you were drifting alone nearby. I brought you back into the ship, but you weren't breathing, and I… I thought… But now you're here! I didn't even have to turn you into a zombie or anything!"

"God, damn…" Stan muttered, gripping his head. "...were you GOING to turn me into a zombie?"

"Well, yeah, that's why I was crying, I was TOTALLY about to turn you into a zombie just now."

"Did you win the race?" Stan asked.

"THAT'S what you're worried about?!" Lars asked incredulously. "Kid. Seriously. You need to re-evaluate your priorities."

"We totally won," Crotchy the Peridot explained. "I mean, we cheated, but we still WON."

Stan glanced at the front viewport. They were approaching Earth. "Well, I guess we better go tell Morgan Freeman and PC Principal they can come back with us… but what about Lion?"

Steven sighed. "I have a solution to that problem… and I don't think he's gonna like it."

* * *

Steven and Stan stood in 1998 with PC Principal, Morgan Freeman, and the New Kid with Lion just in front of them as Steven explained the situation to Lion. "Okay, Lion, so, Stan and I found out there's a portal back to Lars in 2018 through your mane. Unfortunately, that means you can't come back with us to 2018, but I don't want to leave you behind. Sooooo, I need you to wait in a safe place for the next twenty years until I come find you. Is that okay with you?"

Lion blinked. Then, he yawned, and fell over, snoring.

"Is… is he just gonna sleep for the next twenty years?" Stan asked.

"I guess we're just lucky that the only thing Lion cares about more than me is getting his well-earned beauty sleep," Steven commented. "Buuuut we should probably put him somewhere safe, just in case."

Morgan Freeman stepped forward. "I know where we can keep him. Somewhere people will never, ever find him."

* * *

The group dragged Lion to the local Sears department store, which even in 1998 was struggling to stay afloat—and it would only get worse over the next twenty years. Here, they hid him in a handicapped bathroom stall and placed an "Out of Order" sign over the handle, knowing full well that no Sears employee cared enough to ever call somebody to come fix it.

They took turns entering Lion's mane, and soon, everyone was back on the ship. PC Principal, having never met aliens outside of Steven's friends, took off his sunglasses and stared at everyone. "Bro. This is some next level shit right here."

Stan tilted his head. "PC Principal, you've met aliens before."

"I'm going to be honest with you, Stanley. I thought the Crystal Gems were just cosplayers going hard."

"Right, but the Ads, and the—"

"And look at this!" PC Principal motioned towards the viewport. "We're in space! This, right here? This is fuckin' hardcore, bro. Elon Musk can eat a dick, please excuse my homophobic micro aggression."

Beryl smiled. "Wowie, this is the first time anyone's been excited to see me!" she exclaimed.

Lars frowned. "Steven… you said there was a war going on back on Earth. How bad is it?"

"World War III."

"Sheesh, I picked a bad time to come back home…"

Stan shook his head. "No, fuck you, you picked a GREAT time to come back home. If we're going to defeat the Crystal Gems once and for all, we're going to need all of the help we can get!"

Rhodonite looked worried. "I thought we were JOINING the Crystal Gems…" she said.

"You don't have to join ANYBODY!" Steven reasoned. "You're your own boss now!"

"With that being said," Lars continued the thought, "MY alliance was never with the Crystal Gems to begin with. I'll help STEVEN with whatever he needs help with."

"And WE'RE with Lars!" One of the Rutile heads exclaimed. "That includes anyone Lars is with!"

"Captain!" Army called out. "Our ship is being hailed by a Homeworld ship in Earth's orbit."

Steven frowned. "What's a Homeworld ship doing all the way out here?"

"And just one of them?" Lars asked. "Uh… onscreen."

Army pressed a button, and a video communication was opened with…

"Aquamarine?" Stan said in confusion.

"You know her?" Steven asked.

"Yeah, she kidnapped me and my friends a few months ago. Took us to some fucked up human zoo where they ate each other because their hearts were broken by 'Ga-Reg'."

Steven frowned. "Oops."

Aquamarine glared at the ship's occupants. "If you all are planning an invasion of Earth, I'd turn back now," she warned. "They're having a bit of a spat down there right now. I reckon it's only a few weeks before they go nuclear and make it entirely uninhabitable."

Stan stepped in front of the screen. "Aquamarine, it's me, Stan!"

Aquamarine raised an eyebrow. "Wait, are there humans on that ship?"

"Captain Lars, speaking," Lars addressed the other ship. "We, uh, stole this ship from Homeworld."

"Well then, it appears we have something in common," Aquamarine nodded. "I'd still turn back if I were you. Things aren't looking too good down there."

Steven shook his head. "We're not abandoning the planet, we're going to stop that war."

"Oh really? Well you won't be able to do that without orbital support." Aquamarine shrugged. "Tell you what. Topaz and I'll do what we can to help. The planet is rather pretty from space and I'd hate to watch it turn into a radioactive husk."

"Well, look at that!" Lars grinned. "We've got us some allies! Prepare for atmospheric re-entry."

* * *

Randy, Peridot, Kenny, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, and Garnet ran around South Park, looking for Stan. "Stan!" Randy yelled. "Stan, are you here?!"

Kenny glared at everyone. "I keep telling you, he's in—"

"Not now, Kenny!" Kyle scolded. "We have to find Stan!"

Garnet suddenly sensed something. "He's not in the same place he was before."

"What?" Kenny asked, confused.

"He's on a spaceship, now."

As if on cue, a spaceship began its descent on South Park. Everyone looked up at the sky and stared while it landed. Peridot narrowed her eyes. "That's a Homeworld star cruiser…" she muttered.

"Aw, god damn it, are your stupid fucking alien friends invading NOW?" Kyle asked. "Tell them to go away, we're busy."

Connie and Amethyst ran into Main Street. "Where's Steven?!" Connie asked.

"I thought he was with you?" said Peridot. "Wait, so we're missing Stan AND Steven?"

The ship completed its landing. The Crystal Renegades stared for a tense moment as seemingly nothing happened. Suddenly, the ship's doors opened, and everyone assumed defensive stances. They relaxed, however, when Stan stepped off of the ship, followed by Steven, PC Principal, Morgan Freeman, and the New Kid.

Lars poked his head out. "Hey, uh, I'm gonna find a better place to park this thing." He was suddenly very aware of the angry drivers parked behind him, all honking and swearing at him. "Sorry! Sorry!" The doors closed once again, and the ship took off in search of better parking.

Randy smiled, and let out a relieved breath. "Thank god… Stan, where the hell have you been?"

"Trust me, you wouldn't believe me if I told you…" Stan muttered. "So what's new?"

Peridot turned to face Garnet. "Well, one of the Crystal Gems defected to—" Garnet was gone. "Wait, where is she?"

Steven raised an eyebrow. Suddenly, he was tackled to the floor in an extremely tight hug. "Agh! Uh, what?"

Garnet was holding him. "Steven… I've missed you so much. I-I messed up!"

"Garnet?" Steven asked, his lungs being crushed.

"This is all my fault! The Crystal Gems are supposed to make the world better, not make it worse! We've lost our way."

Peridot scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Actions speak louder than words, traitor. You still haven't PROVEN to us that you're really intent on stopping this war."

Kyle crossed his arms. "Yeah! How do we know you aren't a spy, sent by the President to sabotage our campaign!"

Garnet dropped Steven and nodded. "I understand that it's going to take an extremely long time for me to regain your trust… but please. I just want to help." She looked down at Steven. "...Steven?"

Steven looked sort of uncomfortable, and he refused to make eye contact with Garnet. "I don't know, Garnet… they're right. It is sort of hard to trust you right now."

Stan glared at all of his friends. "Come on, guys. We're better than this."

"What do you mean?" Kyle asked.

"The Crystal Renegades were formed to try and get the Crystal Gems to back down," Stan reminded everyone. "And look at this! We have one of them backing down right now. What we're doing is WORKING. This is proof." The others didn't seem convinced. "Besides, we have weapons that can fight them, now, if she steps out of line it'd be really easy to take her out."

Peridot smiled. "Oh, yeah! We DO have weapons now! I forgot all about that!"

Kyle smiled as well. "Stan's right, you guys. If Garnet steps out of line… we can just kill her!"

The entire group agreed that this was a good idea… except for Garnet, who had a couple of objections. She didn't voice them for now, however, as she still had some business to take care of. "Where is Mr. Garrison?" Garnet asked.

"Mr. Garrison?" Cartman repeated, raising an eyebrow. "He's at the school, probably."

"Great. We need to talk to him, ASAP. He knows what's wrong with Pearl."

Randy nodded. "Let's go, then."

The group began walking towards the school. Kenny pulled Stan aside, however, to talk to him. Peridot saw this and decided to see what the conversation was about. "You know, Stan, you really had us worried," Kenny muttered.

"What do you mean?"

"Garnet said she saw you in some kind of… fiery place. With brimstone, and lava." Kenny sighed. "I was sure you had died. But I guess we were worried over nothing. That's all." Kenny turned around and started to walk away. Peridot shrugged, and followed.

Stan sighed as well. "...I did."

Kenny stopped in his tracks. "...what?"

"I did die."

Kenny blinked. "What do you mean you 'died'?"

"I died and I went to Hell," Stan replied.

"Hell?" Peridot said incredulously. "You can't be serious. That's old Homeworld superstition."

"No, it's true!" Stan tried to convince them. "I died… saw Hell… and came back."

"...came back?" Kenny said, suddenly WAY more worried than he was before. "Wait, wait. You DIED. And came back?"

"I know it's hard to believe, Kenny," Stan said dramatically. "But it's all true. I died and was resurrected."

"Holy FUCK!" Kenny exclaimed.

Peridot rolled her eyes. "Right, well, I still don't—"

"I saw Lapis."

"...what?"

"I saw Lapis, in Hell," Stan explained. "And Chef," he added, turning to Kenny. "Lapis helped me—"

"If this is a joke, it isn't funny," Peridot growled. "DON'T play with my emotions like this, Stanley."

"It's not a joke, swear to God!" Stan exclaimed. "She asked me to tell you… to move on."

Peridot shoved Stan. "You're not being funny, Stan!" Peridot yelled with tears in her eyes. "That's so unbelievably cruel!" She marched away, towards the school.

"...dude, what the fuck did I do?" Stan said.

"That wasn't nice, Stan," Kenny said, shaking his head. "That's low, even for us."

"I'm not fucking lying, Kenny!" Stan yelled, glaring at Kenny. "You're being an asshole, dude! You don't even know what it's like to die and then come back again!"

"Fuck you, Stan!" Kenny exclaimed, now super pissed off. He started marching towards the school, too.

"...god, why is everybody being such a dick today?" Stan asked nobody in particular as he started walking towards the school.

* * *

The group arrived at the school, with PC Principal leading them to Mr. Garrison's classroom. The New Kid and Morgan Freeman had both gone home, and Steven made a quick detour to Sears so he could pick up Lion, who had been peacefully sleeping, undisturbed for the last twenty years. Once everyone was ready, they entered the classroom.

"Mr. Garrison," Kyle said as he walked in.

"Oh, hello, boys," Garrison greeted, looking up from his papers to stare at the boys. "Did you have a question about…" Garrison's gaze moved upwards. The rest of the Renegades were here, as was Garnet. "...what's going on?"

Garnet stepped forward. "Mr. Garrison… where is Mr. Hat?"

"Mr. Hat?"

Kyle looked slightly annoyed now. "Mr. Hat? Really? THAT'S who we're looking for? His stupid puppet?"

"We need to speak to Mr. Hat," Garnet repeated herself.

Mr. Garrison sighed, and opened his drawer. "He's right… here?" The drawer was empty. "Mr. Hat? Where the hell did Mr. Hat go?!"

"What?" Kyle asked.

"Mr. Hat's just… vanished! He's gone!"

Kyle glared at Mr. Garrison in silence for a moment. "Fuuuuuuuck you!" he said finally.

"What?" Mr. Garrison turned his head to Kyle, slightly worried.

"Fuck you, Mr. Hat didn't 'vanish', you put him somewhere!" Kyle accused.

"This isn't good…" Garnet muttered.

"And fuck you too if you're in on this!" Kyle said, turning his attention to Garnet.

"Kyle, I've seen a lot of weird shit today," Stan said. "Maybe Mr. Hat DID really vanish."

"...fuck you! You're in on it too!"

"In on what?" Stan asked. Suddenly, he realized, and glared. "Oh, fuck you."

"Garrison, we need to see Mr. Hat," Garnet warned. "If he's not here, then—"

"If you're looking for Mr. Hat, you're wasting your time," another voice said suddenly. Everyone turned around to see… Cartman holding his left hand up like a puppet. His hand had eyeballs drawn onto it and lipstick smeared on its 'mouth'. "Mr. Hat is long gone, and now he's unstoppable."

Kyle glared at Cartman. "Fuck you, Cartman."

Cartman looked concerned. "Y-you guys, I'm- I'm not doing this."

"Fuck you, yes you are!"

"No, Kyle, I'm seriously not!" Cartman exclaimed. "It's—"

"Mitch Conner," Garnet finished Eric's thought. "I knew you had something to do with this."

Kyle glared at Garnet. "Fuuuuuck you!"

"What?"

"Mitch Conner is some bullshit persona that Cartman made up YEARS ago, and he can't just DROP IT!"

"Mitch Conner is an enemy the Crystal Gems faced many years ago," Garnet explained. "He latches himself onto a host and uses their inner hatred to manipulate them into doing terrible things. He and Mr. Hat originated from the same evil being. ...oh, and also Mr. Twig."

"Well done, Garnet," Mitch Conner responded, although he still just sounded like Cartman doing a stupid voice. "After all these years, we finally meet again.

"I'm afraid you're too late, however," Mitch said, suddenly appearing on Kyle's hand instead.

"Ah! What the hell?!" Kyle stared in shock at his hand.

"Kyle, knock it off," Stan rolled his eyes.

"No, I'm not doing this!" Kyle defended.

"Fuck you— what the fuck?" Stan stared at his hand. Mitch Conner was on Stan's hand now. "What the fuck?!"

"With the Crystal Gems fighting amongst themselves, Mr. Hat can finally achieve world domination," Mitch explained. "He's waited years for this."

"I'm confused," Steven said—before realizing Mitch Conner was now on HIS hand. He gasped. "Oh my gosh. He's on ME now!"

"I suppose I've taunted you all long enough," Mitch laughed. "So long, Crystal Renegades." Steven opened his hand and fluttered his fingers, and Mitch Conner was gone.

Kyle stared at Steven, mouth agape. "Dude. What. The. Fuck."

Randy looked at Garnet. "Is all of that true? Is Mr. Hat really behind all of this?"

"I'm afraid he is," Garnet nodded. "...and soon, it'll be too late to stop him."

"But where IS he?" Amethyst asked.

* * *

The Oval Office was empty, save for President Pearl and Vice President Bismuth. They both looked tired and depressed.

"...this war is not going as well as I'd hoped," Pearl admitted. "The English and the French have landed in Canada, and soon they're going to be pushing our forces back into the states. It'll be chaos. So much for keeping the planet safe."

Bismuth nodded. "I… agree," she was finally able to admit as well. "Even the fight against Homeworld wasn't this one-sided. At least back then everyone believed in our cause."

"We've gone so far, though," Pearl muttered. "Lapis Lazuli is dead because of us. Everyone I loved hates me now. Is there any turning back?"

Bismuth didn't have an answer. She sighed. "Pearl… I think it's time to surrender, and face what's coming to us."

Pearl nodded. "I don't know why I started this stupid war in the first place… I'm going to call the British Prime Minister and draft out terms of surrender with her. I need some time alone, first."

"Understood." Bismuth exited the Oval Office.

Pearl sighed, and stared at a photo on her desk of herself with the other Crystal Gems. "Steven… I'm so sorry it came to this. I hope one day you can forgive me."

"Giving up already?" a high-pitched voice said from somewhere in the room. "I thought you were better than that, Pearl."

Pearl looked around. "Who said that?"

"It seems I have to remind you who you are," the voice said. "You're a Crystal Gem! You never give up!" Pearl located the source of the sound. She opened a drawer… and found a small hand puppet, with a beard and a striped hat. "You'll do anything to protect Steven, won't you?"

"Of course! But—"

"If you surrender now, the British are going to nuke us," the puppet said. "Steven will be dead, and it will be your fault."

Pearl's eyes widened. "That… that isn't what I want." Slowly, she picked up the puppet and slid it onto her hand.

"Now I'll say it again. You're a Crystal Gem! You never give up! ...right?"

Pearl slowly nodded. "That's right… Mr. Hat," she responded in a slow, trance-like voice. "I'll never give up. I'll do anything to protect Steven."

Mr. Hat laughed. "Fantastic! Now then… we have work to do!"

"Of course… Mr. Hat…"

* * *

The Crystal Renegades were packing their bags. Randy sighed as he watched. "Are you sure about this, Garnet?"

"Mr. Hat is going to strike in Canada, next," Garnet explained. "We have to get there before he does."

"Just… be careful," Randy whispered. "I don't want to lose Stan."

"I promise, Stanley will be brought home safe and sound," Garnet assured him. "You can trust me."

"...I know."

The Renegades all lined up at the door. "Okay, guys!" Steven hyped them up. "We're going to Canada! Ready to save the planet?"

Tweek twitched. "Agh! Oh god!"

"There, there, Tweek," Craig assured him. "Everything's going to be fine."

"Okay, guys," Kyle said. "Ike is communicating with Aquamarine and Lars via satellite. If we need any assistance from the air, we need to go through him."

"Looks like we're ready, then," Amethyst said. "Come on, let's go!"

"Be careful," Randy said as everyone left. They were all gone. He sighed and sat down. "Guess there's nothing left to do but watch Food Network." Grabbing the remote, he changed the channel and started watching.

"Tonight, on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, Guy Fieri gets a stomach full of boogers and cum after posting a Yelp review!"

Stan opened the door and poked his head in. "Oh, by the way, when you had sex with Rose Quartz fifteen years ago she got pregnant and Steven Universe is your illegitimate son. Later." Stan shut the door, leaving a very wide-eyed Randy sitting alone in the living room. "Okay, let's go," he said to his friends.

"Steven's your brother?" Kyle asked. "Does he know?"

"Nah, I haven't told him, yet," Stan waved it off. "I'll tell him when this is all over and we can play catch or something, whatever brothers do."

Peridot approached the boys. "Come on, we have to go."

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Stan said. He and the rest of the boys walked ahead of Peridot, who sighed.

"It's finally almost over," she muttered. "I can do this."

"Yes, yes you can," a voice said. Peridot looked around to make sure nobody was nearby, and held up her left hand. "You're so close, Peridot," Mitch Conner said. "You're almost done."

"I just hope I can go through with it," she said. "I-I don't think I have it in me."

"Sure you do!" Mitch encouraged. "You and I both know that the only way to destroy Mr. Hat… is to destroy the host."

"And Pearl is the host," Peridot said. "...okay. I can do this."

"You sure can," Mitch replied. "Come on. The others are waiting. Don't let them see me. They won't understand."

"Got it." Peridot opened her hand and fluttered her fingers… and Mitch Conner was gone. "Alright. Let's do this." She followed the others to their destination.


	22. Chapter 21: The Harry Truman Decision

**A/N: Updates are moving to semi-weekly instead of weekly. These chapters take sliiightly longer than a week to make now, which is why I keep missing deadlines. A semi-weekly schedule will give me some more breathing room until we reach the end… which is very fast approaching.**

 **Anyway; here's Chapter 21, "The Harry Truman Decision".**

* * *

The Crystal Renegades—Steven, Connie, Amethyst, Garnet, Peridot, Stan, Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Butters, Tweek, and Craig—arrived at a military checkpoint on the US-Canada border, near Buffalo, New York. The United States occupied a sizeable area within Ontario, due in large part to the Canadians having completely abandoned the Toronto area after the previous President's nuking of the city. To the north, one could make out what remained of the Toronto skyline in the distance. Steven tried to avert his eyes. Butters patted him on the shoulder.

"There, there," he said. "If it makes you feel any better, the city was destroyed BEFORE the war started."

"I know…" Steven sighed. "I still don't like looking at it."

Peridot walked past Steven and Butters as she surveyed the area. "You know, Steven, I was thinking about all of the places we could visit next after we're done in South Park, I took the liberty of writing some of them down." Peridot retrieved a series of notecards and began reading off the list. "Springfield."

Steven shook his head. "No."

"Alright, well there's plenty more," Peridot muttered as she moved to the next card. "Hollywoo. With no D."

"No."

"Gravity Falls, Oregon."

"No."

"Langley Falls, Virginia."

"No."

"The Park."

"No."

"Ooo."

"No."

"Bob's Burgers."

"No."

"Quahog, Rhode Island."

Steven looked somewhat offended. "No, definitely not! Why would you even suggest that one?"

"Well SOMEBODY would probably find that HILARIOUS!" Peridot defended. "I mean, not me, I personally don't want to go to Quahog, but what about Springfield? Huh? That sounds interesting! That sounds like a place with, like, thirty years' worth of activities!" Steven just glared at Peridot and moved closer to the checkpoint. Peridot scoffed. "Hey, look, when this is all over, I'm gonna need a vacation, okay? With Lapis gone, there's nothing to do at the barn. Plus I really want to go to Springfield next time."

Steven sighed. "I'm sorry Peridot, I know you're just trying to take your mind off of things, but… we can't do that right now. We have to stay focused. If we succeed here, THEN we can talk about what's next."

"If?"

"I mean, when. WHEN we succeed." Steven moved to catch up with the others, leaving Peridot all alone.

"Even he's unsure…" Peridot muttered.

"Stay strong, Peridot," Mitch Conner encouraged, suddenly appearing on Peridot's left hand. Oddly, he still sounded like Cartman doing a stupid voice. "You can do this. I believe in you."

"I- I don't think I can go through with this," Peridot said. "I couldn't kill Garrison, I couldn't kill Garnet, what makes you think I'd be able to kill Pearl?"

"Easy. You're a racist."

"Oh, yeah, I guess I am. But still! It's one thing to think you're genetically superior to Pearl, which, obviously, I am, there's no question about it." She stared at her friends, who were up ahead observing the checkpoint. "But to kill her? It's not in my nature. She WAS my friend. Allegedly."

"Yeah, well, watching Lapis die changed things, didn't it?" Mitch Conner asked.

Peridot suddenly clenched her other fist. "Yes. Yes it did."

Garnet knelt near a bush. "Okay, children, gather around," she directed the rest to stand near her. "Mr. Hat is likely heading toward Ishpatina Ridge in Ontario."

"What's at Ishpatina Ridge?" Connie asked.

"A kindergarten," Steven answered. "Unactivated. My mom destroyed it years ago."

Garnet raised an eyebrow underneath her visor. "How do you know that?"

"You wouldn't believe us if we told you," Stan answered. "...but we're going to tell you anyway. Steven and I time traveled and watched Rose Quartz destroy it."

"Oh, that makes sense."

Peridot rejoined the group. "Time travel? Hah! That's preposterous. One would need to travel at NEGATIVE speeds exceeding the speed of light to even DREAM of achieving retro-temporal traversal! And as we all know, you can't travel at negative speeds. That's impossible."

"Do you carry a thesaurus around with you or something?" Stan asked.

"I have an extremely well-developed vocabulary!"

Butters raised his hand. "Oh, uh, what if you traveled at the speed of light, but walked BACKWARDS. Would that make time travel possible?"

"Don't be stupid, Butters," Cartman dismissed the idea. "Everybody knows when you walk backwards your top speed is half your normal top speed, you can't achieve light speed going BACKWARDS."

"You can't achieve light speed at ALL on foot!" Peridot denied. "And even if you could, walking backwards doesn't make it negative speed. The concept completely defies all logic and reason."

"Regardless, Steven's right," Garnet said. "There is a Kindergarten in Ontario, and it is likely what Mr. Hat is after."

"I'm confused," Kyle said, tilting his head. "Supposing a suddenly-intelligent Mr. Hat and Mitch Conner really are behind all of this—which I still don't entirely believe—what IS a Kindergarten, and why does Mr. Hat want it?"

"It's where new Gems are made," Stan answered.

"Jeez, Stan, you seem to know a lot about Gems now," Kyle muttered.

"I do my homework."

"As for why Mr. Hat wants it activated…" Garnet paused. "I'm not sure yet. With a Gem army behind him, he'd be unstoppable, but I don't know what his goals are beyond that. REGARDLESS, we need to get there before he does."

"How are we supposed to get past the checkpoint?" Amethyst asked. "That's a lot of guards…"

Kyle pressed the side of his hat, underneath which was an earpiece. "Ike. We're at the checkpoint. Tell the Off Colors we need a distraction."

"Cookie Monster!" Ike exclaimed excitedly. Back in South Park, where the boy sat in his bedroom, he stood up and walked to the other side of the room, where the Rubies had set up their own workstation and were remotely monitoring a hijacked Korean satellite. "Call the moon men!" he said.

"Yessir!" Doc saluted Ike and, with her team, began contacting Lars' crew. Sheila entered the room with a tray of cookies and juice boxes.

"Ike, would you and your little friends like some snacks?" she asked in a motherly tone, totally ignoring the hi-tech satellite station in her adopted son's bedroom.

"Oh, yes please, Mrs. Broflovski!" Navy said. She and the others approached Sheila to grab their snacks. Smiling, Sheila laid the plate down on the table.

"I'll be downstairs if you need anything, Ike," she said as she closed the door. Walking back down the stairs, she passed her husband. "Oh, Gerald, you just have to see how precious Ike is up there. His new friends seem to be interested in all of the same things he is, they're having so much fun!"

"Yeah, it sure is a good thing he can keep his mind off of this damn war," Gerald replied. "Have you seen Kyle at all today?"

Sheila nodded. "He said he was having a sleepover at his friend Stan's."

"Well, at least he's inside. I don't like him parading around the streets with that war going on. It's GOING to reach South Park at some point."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Gerald," Sheila dismissed the idea. "All of the fighting is at the northern border. It's nowhere near us!" The doorbell rang. "Oh, I'll get it."

Sheila approached the door and turned the knob. She gasped when she saw the person on the other side.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Broflovski," President Pearl greeted her. She was flanked by two secret service agents.

"M-Madame President?!" Sheila said, taken aback.

"What?" Gerald asked, turning around. He, too, seemed surprised that the President was here. He glared at her. "What do you want?"

Pearl held up her hands in surrender. "Listen, I'm not stupid. I pay attention to the news and social media. I know a lot of people probably hate me in this town, and I assume you two are no exception."

"You're god damn right!" Gerald said angrily. "You've plunged this country into war! Our kids are no longer safe in their own homes, MILLIONS are going to die because of you." Gerald marched to the door and poked Pearl on the chest as he spoke, slightly irking her guards. "Fuck. You. Bitch."

"I… deserve that," Pearl admitted. "Sheila, can I come inside? Please, there's something I'd like to discuss with you."

"We have NOTHING to discuss," Sheila said as she turned around and walked away from the door.

"I've… made a terrible mistake," Pearl muttered. Sheila stopped in her tracks. "I've plunged the world into war, and I'm not sure how I can undo it." Sheila turned around. Pearl's words seemed to be getting to her. "I've… heard you made a similar mistake, once, long ago."

Sheila refused to make eye contact with Pearl, but still listened. "It was… almost two decades ago, now. I don't like to talk about it."

"And I won't like talking about my mistakes when this is over," Pearl said. "However, my mistakes can still be corrected. I want to undo all of this."

"And why should we trust you?" Gerald asked, still glaring at Pearl.

"Sheila… please," Pearl ignored Gerald and continued to plead with Sheila. "I need your help."

"How could I possibly help you?" Sheila asked. "What could _I_ do?"

"Your son is a member of a group of political radicals that seems intent on sabotaging my plans at every turn." Pearl entered the house, pushing past a still-glaring Gerald. "Kyle and his friends are in Canada right now."

"What what WHAT?!" Sheila exclaimed. "Kyle's in a war zone?!"

"Yes, and I'm afraid he'll be killed if he isn't brought back to South Park immediately."

"She's blackmailing us!" Gerald realized suddenly.

"I want to end this war, Mr. Broflovski," Pearl addressed Gerald finally. "But I can't do that if the Crystal Renegades… or _La Resistance,_ to put it another way, is putting themselves in danger the way they are. As long as they're in Canada, my troops HAVE to stay in Canada to search for them."

"Madame President, please, you HAVE to bring my son home!" Sheila begged. "I can't let anything happen to Kyle!"

"I'd love to, Mrs. Broflovski, but they'll evade capture—er, uh, I mean, _rescue_ , at every turn. Kyle fights hard for what he believes in, which is respectable, I must admit. The only one who can bring him home…" Pearl paused. "Well, you know who it is, don't you? It's _you._ "

"Me?" Sheila questioned.

"Yes, you. Mrs. Broflovski, all I want to do is fix my mistakes. Kyle can help me, but you need to be there to assure him that everything is alright." Pearl gestured to the door. "Why don't you come with me, Sheila? Help me bring your son back. Help me make things right again. Help me… Make America Great Again."

"Don't do it, Sheila," Gerald warned. "We can't trust her. She's one of the bad guys!"

Sheila shook her head. "I have to, Gerald. Kyle's in danger. Besides, we both know what it's like to be in Pearl's situation. Maybe she really does want to fix everything."

Gerald didn't look convinced. "Oh… alright! Fine. But I'm staying here and making sure her stupid followers don't try and take Ike back to that concentration camp."

"I assure you, Mr. Broflovski, my people will do no such thing."

"Right, like I'm going to trust you."

Pearl looked somewhat displeased, and now she glared back at Gerald. She wanted him out of the house. "Very well, then. Come, Mrs. Broflovski. We'll discuss this further at the White House." Pearl stood up and opened the door, allowing Sheila to step out. Just as soon as Sheila was out of earshot, Pearl shot Gerald another look. "I'll see you around, Mr. Skankhunt." Pearl shut the door, leaving behind a shocked and wide-wide Gerald.

"...what the fuck?"

* * *

Meanwhile, the Crystal Renegades remained at the New York-Ontario border. Ike's message had been relayed to Lars's ship. All they had to do was wait for a distraction…

"Attention all units!" a voice erupted from a one-way radio Peridot carried to monitor an encrypted channel used by the US military. "Be advised. Radar is picking up an unidentified flying object along the border. It's not responding to any attempts at communication and its signatures are of an unknown foreign element. Exercise extreme caution!"

"That's us," Peridot noted. Glancing up in the sky, she saw the Off Colors' ship, which she knew was intentionally keeping its speed low to make sure everyone saw it. Two F-35s closely followed it, though they so far they hadn't tried to shoot it down—an effort which would have been meaningless anyway, as the ship's overshields were finally operational.

Suddenly, a hatch opened up on the ship's underside, and a small piece of space junk fell to the ground in front of the checkpoint. To the people on the ground, however, it wasn't junk—it was a potential bomb.

"Shit! Get down!" one soldier yelled. Everyone ducked behind cover to shield themselves from the blast they thought was coming.

"That's our cue, go!" Kyle ordered. The Renegades stood up from their hiding spot and started sprinting to the open gate, as nobody guarding it was paying attention anymore. The Off Colors quickly retreated from the scene, accelerating to speeds unreachable by the F-35s, who still tried to follow anyway. As they ran straight through the checkpoint, the Renegades were spotted by one of the cowering soldiers.

"Hey, you!" he shouted. "Get back here!" Before he could alert anyone else, Peridot retrieved her newly improved Light Disruptor, which now fit into a handgun-sized form factor and as such was holstered at her waist. She fired a beam at the soldier, temporarily paralyzing him. "Agh!" the soldier groaned in discomfort as he fell over.

"Dude, nice, I think he just shit his pants!" Stan yelled. "Come on, guys, let's go!" The group continued to run until the checkpoint was out of sight, at which point they stopped to catch their breath. They were in Canada, now.

Steven leaned on a rock. "Wow… I can't believe that worked!"

Garnet looked over at Peridot. "Peridot. What was that weapon you were using?"

"Portable Light Disruptor," Peridot answered. "It's capable of temporarily dispatching human and Gem foes alike without killing them." Suddenly, her smug look turned into a glare. "Because unlike the Crystal Gems, WE know how to get things done without resorting to murder."

"Peridot…"

"I'm sorry, would you like to dispute that fact?"

Garnet and Peridot stared at each other for a moment before Garnet sighed. "No," she muttered.

"I thought so."

The Renegades awkwardly walked in silence from that point forward. Cartman decided to chime in with "So, do you guys always suck the fun out of things to cry about your feelings, or is that a recent thing?" He didn't get an answer. "I said—"

"We heard you, Eric," Steven said.

The group moved deeper into Ontario. "We're back in Canadian-controlled territory, now," Garnet explained. "We have to be very careful. If anyone sees us—"

"Freeze, asswipes!" two Canadians jumped out from behind trees. "You aren't going to invade our—oh, it's just you." Garnet recognizes these two. It was...

"Terrance and Phillip?" Stan said, confused.

Steven was starstruck. "Oh my gosh! Terrance and Phillip! You guys are, like, my FAVORITE comedians!" he gushed as he approached the Canadian superstars. "I can't believe it. I'm actually meeting THE Terrance and Phillip!"

"Who's the gay fat kid?" Terrance asked. Phillip farted in his face, and both erupted into laughter.

"Oh my gosh, they did the thing!" Steven said as he jumped in excitement.

"They also called you fat," Connie pointed out.

"Well, okay, yeah, that was sort of rude, but STILL!"

"What are you two doing so close to the border?" Garnet asked. "It's too dangerous. There's fighting here every day."

"We're freedom farters!" Terrance proclaimed proudly.

"Don't you mean freedom FIGHTERS?" Peridot asked. Terrance and Phillip stared at her briefly before farting in her face. "Hey!" Another one. "Cut that out!" Yet another fart. Peridot turned to Steven. "See, THIS is why I want to go to Springfield! No fart jokes! Only high-brow humor."

"I think Springfield is just a different kind of low-brow," Steven commented.

"Terrance, Phillip, we need to get to Ishpatina Ridge," Garnet said. "Can you take us there?"

"Sure we can, buddy!" Phillip responded, then farted. "We know a shortcut!"

The two Canadians led the Renegades past a set of bushes, which was their so-called "shortcut". "Well, here we are!" Terrance exclaimed. "Ishpatina Ridge!"

"We were right next to it the entire time?" Peridot asked. "That's embarrassing."

Phillip shook his flappy head. "No, we took a shortcut, remember?"

"That doesn't make any sense, we only moved four-"

"Ssh," Cartman shushed Peridot. "Don't question it, just accept it."

The group went over the hill, where they got a good view of the ridge. Just as Steven and Stan asserted, there was a Kindergarten here… but it wasn't dismantled. The two boys gasped. Several Canadian scientists monitored the injectors, which looked good as new and ready to be used.

"How the fuck?" Stan asked. "We totally saw Rose Quartz destroy all of this. What happened?"

"Look!" Steven pointed a little further down the ridge, where Dr. Alphonse Mephisto was overseeing the operation. Next to him were two armed Canadian soldiers. "The Canadians must be holding him hostage."

Peridot narrowed her eyes. "Garnet gave me the impression that 'Mr. Hat', and therefore Pearl, would be here." She slowly turned to glare at Garnet. "You neglected to mention that the Canadians were still in control of this area."

Garnet frowned. "Bismuth told me that Pearl would be here…"

"WHAT?!" the entire group shouted at once.

"You sent us here under _Bismuth's orders?!"_ Steven asked, shocked.

Tweek twitched. His anxiety was out of control. "AGH! Jesus Christ, it was a trap, I knew it! I knew we shouldn't have come here!"

The boys all glared at Garnet. "Sneaky bitch!" Cartman accused. "She was trying to get us killed fighting Canadians!"

"That is very underhanded, buddy!" Terrance exclaimed.

"Quite! You are a dick!" Phillip accused.

Garnet held up her hands as she tried to defend herself from the verbal assault she was receiving. "Wait, it's not what you think. Bismuth told me all of this before I left the White House, it's possible that things changed."

"Why should we trust you?" Kyle asked. "You've never given us a reason to!"

"I believe her," Peridot interjected, much to everyone's shock. "...only because she now knows that she's outnumbered and outmatched. We ALL have Light Disruptor Cannons now. If she were caught lying to us, we'd be forced to poof her. And _I_ would be forced to… well, she knows. While I'm still not entirely trusting of her, I do believe she's telling the truth this time."

Steven crossed his arms. "I'm not so sure."

Garnet's heart nearly shattered at that. Not even _Steven_ trusted her anymore. She really did screw up. "Listen… if we don't get into any scraps with the Canadians, we'll be fine. Terrance and Phillip are here. They can help us explain the situation."

Phillip scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, about that… we're sort of wanted for treason right now."

"WHAT?!" the group exclaimed, once again taken aback.

"AGH! Jesus, why are you wanted?!" Tweek asked, twitching even more now. His heart couldn't take much more of this.

Terrance pointed back down at the Kindergarten. The Canadian man that Garnet recognized as Scott approached Mephisto. "You better be working hard!" he warned. "You aren't planning to escape are you?"

"No, I'm not planning to escape," Mephisto sighed.

"Good, because I'll tell on you!" Scott walked away.

"That's Scott," Phillip explained. "He's a dick! When the war started, he accused me and Terrance of being spies for the US because of how well our show sells down there, and now we're fugitives!"

Steven put his hands on his head in shock. "That's terrible!"

"That's Scott the Dick for you," Phillip said while shaking his head. "He was just a regular dick, but he got radiation poisoning from the nuclear bombing of Toronto and grew. Now he's a GIANT dick!"

Peridot looked back down at Scott the Giant Dick. "He's only slightly taller than an ordinary human," she observed. "I'd hardly call that 'giant'."

"Yes, well, you're a midget, so what do you know?"

Steven started walking down the hill. Connie looked over at him. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well, we HAVE to go down there eventually," he replied. "If Dr. Mephisto gets those injectors working, this whole part of Canada is gonna be uninhabitable."

Peridot scoffed. "Most of Canada is already uninhabitable. Perhaps with a bit of my Kindergartener knowledge…"

"No, Peridot," Steven said sternly. "We can't let them activate it. You KNOW that."

"I guess…" Peridot crossed her arms as the others followed Steven. Mitch Conner arrived again.

"Psst! Peridot!" he said. "You've got some pretty good ideas."

"What do you mean?" she asked, confused.

"Well, with a Gem army behind you, Pearl and Bismuth would be forced to surrender!" Conner explained. "This war could be over—" Mitch used himself to snap "—just like that."

Peridot thought about it. "Hmmm. You are right. They wouldn't stand a chance. But… it wouldn't be right. I don't want to ruin the environment just to get revenge on Pearl and Bismuth."

"Revenge? Who said it was about revenge?" Mitch Conner asked. "If the war continues, it's going to go nuclear. Then the whole PLANET will be uninhabitable. What's one corner of scorched earth to save the others?"

Peridot thought about it some more. The sooner the war ended, the better. AND she'd finally get to run a Kindergarten again! Mitch Conner made a lot of really good points! She was liking this guy more and more. Once again, however, she had to shake her head. "Sorry, no. Steven doesn't want me to do it."

"Ah, Steven's a war criminal, who cares what he thinks? You'll learn, soon enough…" Peridot opened her hand and fluttered her fingers, and Mitch Conner was gone.

* * *

Gerald sat silently on his sofa as he read the newspaper. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Standing up, he walked over to open it, and see who it was. Before he could register the several American soldiers standing before him, however, one of them knocked him unconscious with a rifle butt to the face.

"All clear!" the attacking soldier yelled. The others entered the room and began turning it upside down. General Revaur, a four-star general who commanded the armed forces in the States, entered the room, hands behind his back. The soldiers saluted him. "Sir, awaiting orders!"

"Find this 'Ike Broflovski,'" Revaur commanded. "He's a criminal mastermind and the technical leader of the Crystal Renegades. The President wants him and his team taken to Guantanamo Bay for questioning."

"Sir, yes sir!" the soldiers saluted once more and began searching the house.

Just then, Ike and the Rubies began climbing down the stairs, as they were running low on snacks and needed more. Halfway down the stairs, Ike noticed all of the soldiers ransacking the room. "Shit!" he yelled in a hushed tone as he ran back up to the top of the stairs, dragging the Rubies with him.

"What's the matter?" Doc asked. Ike pointed at the soldiers invading his home. "Oh, that's not good."

"What are we gonna do?!" Army asked, panicking slightly.

Ike glared at the soldiers and nodded to his friends. He led them back into his room and walked over to the closet. Shuffling through the closet, he found a briefcase labeled 'Protocol Zero', which he opened. Inside were several Portable Light Disruptors Peridot had given him. He handed one to each of the Rubies, then took one for himself, and nodded to his teammates.

They walked to the window, which Ike opened. Anticipating the need for such an escape, he'd had a zipline installed between his window and the tree on the street corner, and he directed each of the Rubies to get on it.

"Oh, wow!" Navy said excitedly as she hooked herself on. "I bet ziplining is tons of fun!"

Ike heard a knock on his door. "Sir! This door's locked! I think I heard voices in here!" Widening his eyes, Ike pushed the remaining Rubies down the zipline and hooked himself on, just as the soldiers broke down the door. "Hey, you!" one of them shouted as they retrieved their weapons.

Ike turned his head towards them and glared. "You're a pussy's pussy!" he said as he zipped to the tree, where the Rubies were waiting. "Run!" he yelled. Ike and the Rubies ran away from the house… but stopped. Ike gasped.

The US military had begun occupying South Park. Ike watched was Wendy Testaburger was dragged out of her house by two soldiers. "Hey, get off— let go of me!"

"Wendy Testaburger, AKA Wendyl, AKA Call Girl, the Crystal Renegades' social media manager," a soldier read off her rap sheet. "She's been tweeting memes about Americans stealing oil and utilizing characters such as Pepe the Frog and the 'Had to do it to them' kid. That's terrorist propaganda! Off to Guantanamo with you!"

Ike turned his head. Other kids were being pulled out of their houses as well. Clyde cried as he was thrown into a SWAT truck. Token attempted to protest. "You're throwing kids in a torture camp, are you proud of yourselves?"

"Oh my god, he has a gun!" the soldier handling him shouted.

"What? No I don't— AGH!" Token was smacked with the butt of a rifle and knocked unconscious.

Mr. Garrison was also being dragged out of this house. Although he seemed to be protesting, something about his tone told Ike he wasn't actually. "Oh, jeez, please don't do that anal feeding torture on me!" he 'begged'.

The soldier handling him was confused. "What?"

"Please don't stick a tube up my ass and shove nutrients down there to rehydrate me when I refuse to eat!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Mr. Garrison?!" Wendy asked as the soldiers dragged her past her teacher.

Mr. Garrison continued his depraved rant. "And hey, maybe when you're done with that, you'll stick a flashlight up there without lubing it up first, that'll really teach me a lesson!"

The Canadian Crystal Gems attempted to fend off the invasion, but they were poofed almost immediately by the extremely well-prepared soldiers. PC Principal was arrested for teaching 'propaganda' to his students, and Lion… just slept through the entire thing. Even the New Kid, who had nothing to do with the Crystal Renegades, was detained by American forces.

Randy Marsh got dragged out of his house as Sharon and Shelley watched. "Dad?! What the fuck's going on?!" Shelley called out.

"Nothing Shelley, daddy has everything under control!" Randy lied, while the soldiers forced him away from his family. "Sharon, don't believe a WORD any of these soldiers say, no matter what they tell you, I am not a criminal!"

"I know Randy, I know! But what's—?"

"No matter what they tell you, I. Am NOT. Steven Universe's father, okay Sharon? You have to remember that, they'll try to lie to you and get a judge to make me pay child support, don't believe them!"

Sharon's panicked look turned into one of confusion, as she raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. "R-Randy, I think you have bigger problems than—"

"No! No no! Don't let them drill lies into your head, I am not his father! Just remember the song, Sharon! Remember Billie Jean!"

A soldier groaned. "God, will you shut up?"

"Billie Jean is not my lover!" Randy sang in a panicked tone. "She's just a fat fucking whore and that kid could be anyone's kid, Sharon, you have to believe me! Let go of me, you son of a bitch!"

Sharon placed her hand over her forehead and sighed at her husband's ludicrous sense of priority. Randy continued to kick and scream as he was tossed into the back of a truck. "Ah! AGH! But the kid is not my son!" he continued to sing _Billie Jean_ as the truck hauled him away.

Ike and the Rubies had to leave the scene. If they stayed and watched any longer, they'd be caught. "We need to help those people!" Navy exclaimed as the group made it to the outskirts of South Park. "If we don't, who will?"

Ike blinked, and looked back at the town. He wasn't sure what they could do by themselves.

* * *

The Crystal Renegades slid down the hill they were on and snuck past several Canadians, eventually coming to Mephisto. "Dr. Mephisto!" Stan whispered, causing the scientist to raise an eyebrow and turn around.

"Ah, boys!" Mephisto greeted Stan, Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman. He glanced at the rest. "Oh, and you're all here too, I suppose."

"What the fuck's going on here?" Kyle asked.

Mephisto gestured to a nearby injector. "This is a Kindergarten. New Gems are made here, and the Canadian government wants me to reactivate it to bolster their military."

"I can't believe they're forcing you to do this…" Garnet muttered.

"Forcing me? Oh, no, I'm here of my own free will," Mephisto denied he was in any trouble.

Cartman blinked. "What."

"They're paying me THOUSANDS of dollars to bring this Kindergarten back to life," Mephisto explained. "Just think of how many asses I could clone with that kind of money."

"Dude!" Stan yelled, quite reasonably upset. "There's a WAR going on right now!"

Mephisto rolled his eyes. "I am a scientist without borders. My services are available to the highest bidder, no questions asked."

Steven cast a confused glance to Connie, who shrugged. "I know we're… technically against the US here, but I feel like this is kind of a problem?" he said, earning yet another shrug from Connie.

"We'll deal with that later, I guess?" she said.

Steven shook his head. "Whatever, it doesn't matter. Dr. Mephisto, you CAN'T turn on this Kindergarten!"

"Why not? I'm being paid."

"Forget the money, it'll kill the planet!"

"It'll just kill this little section of the planet. Nobody's using it."

"That's…!" Steven was about to correct him, but he didn't actually know the extent of a Kindergarten's damage. He looked at Peridot. "Peridot?"

"Mephisto is technically correct," Peridot nodded. "A Kindergarten of this size will only create a few hundred Gems, and they'll spend a few months gestating. Over those few months, they'll drain nutrients from… basically just this part of Ontario. The damage wouldn't even reach Toronto."

Steven was now presented with a huge moral dilemma. The longer this war continued, the more damage the involved parties would do to the planet… potentially outweighing the damage this Kindergarten would do. Should they let Mephisto continue with his work, let him destroy this part of the planet… in order to save the rest of it?

"Steven?" Stan asked. Steven looked over. Everyone was looking to HIM to provide an answer to their dilemma, as if HE was their leader. "What are we going to do?" Truthfully, Steven didn't HAVE an answer; he was still trying to way the pros and the cons.

What if Peridot and Dr. Mephisto were mistaken? What if the damage was more widespread than their estimations? ...and even if it wasn't, Peridot said it took months for the Kindergarten to do its thing. What if the war was over by then? This would all be for nothing.

Suddenly, Tweek's phone buzzed. As he was already on-edge, this freaked him out immensely. "AGH! Agh!"

"It's okay, Tweek," Craig said, trying to calm him down. "Your phone is just getting a news alert."

Tweek pulled his phone out of his pocket. His eyes bugged out, and he began tugging on his hair. "AGH! AGGGHH!" he shouted.

"What is it, Tweek?" Butters asked.

"The President is making a televised address!" Tweek shouted. "Oh god, what if she's ordering a nuclear strike?!"

"Just play the video, guy," Terrance said, and Tweek complied.

President Pearl sat at the Resolute Desk, addressing the audience directly. It appeared she was alone this time; neither Bismuth, nor any of her cabinet members, were with her. "Good evening, my fellow Earthicans," she greeted.

Peridot scoffed and rolled her eyes. "She stole that line from an episode of _Futurama_."

"Over the last few months, this nation has pursued a military campaign against our neighbors to the north that I, initially, believed to be the right decision to protect the ones I love." Pearl sighed and leaned back in her seat, as if she were struggling to say her next line. She stared up at the ceiling in silence for a brief moment. "I no longer believe this to be the case."

This caught everyone off-guard. Steven gasped. Peridot raised her eyebrows in interest. Garnet and Amethyst smiled at each other. Cartman, however, didn't trust it one bit. "No, see, she's doing something, here," he said. "She has an ulterior motive."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Cartman, you're a sociopath, what would you know about other people's motivations?"

"It's _because_ I'm a sociopath that I know something's up, Kyle," Cartman argued back. "Isn't there something in your Jew mind that tells you when someone else is telling Jew lies? This is that. Pearl is up to something."

Steven frowned. "I really hope you're wrong."

Pearl continued her address. "I will be directly communicating with Prime Minister Trudeau, as well as his allies in Europe, Mrs. May and Mr. Macron, and attempting to set up a peace conference, so that I may draft out terms of surrender. I know now that what I did was wrong, and I will be responsible for no more suffering, of my people or of theirs."

Terrance and Phillip smiled at each other. "Phillip, isn't this fantastic?" Terrance beamed. "The war is over!"

"...however, I would like to ask something of somebody in particular, before all of this happens," Pearl continued. Everyone watching frowned.

Cartman nodded. "Heeeeere's the ulterior motive."

"Steven, Amethyst, Garnet… Peridot… I know you four are watching this. I hope you are, anyway."

Connie glared at the screen. "Oh, sure, I guess I don't exist."

"I messed up," Pearl admitted. "Bad. I know the trouble I've caused, the hurt I've wrought, and the damage I've done are irreversible and unforgivable. What happened to Lapis Lazuli was unfortunate, unnecessary, and totally over-the-line. Bismuth and I both agree on this. I don't expect to ever be able to make up for what I've done." She sighed. "But I'm going to try. I will do everything I can and more to earn your trust and your love back. Essentially, what I'm trying to say is… I'm sorry. And I'm asking… no, BEGGING for your forgiveness. I would like for the Crystal Renegades to come to the White House. I want to be a family again."

Steven furrowed his brow. "The White House… she wants us to come straight to the capital. Why? If she wants to be a family again, why isn't she resigning?"

Pearl glanced at someone off-camera. "As for the other Crystal Renegades… you should come, too. THEY have something to say." She gestured for the off-camera parties to come behind her desk. The Renegades gasped as Sheila Broflovski, Carol McCormick, Liane Cartman, Stephen Stotch, Greg Universe, and Mrs. Maheswaran all entered the scene. Tweek and Craig assumed their parents were somewhere off-screen, but Stan was slightly perturbed when he realized HIS parents were nowhere to be found.

"Kyle, it's your mother," Sheila greeted the camera. "I'm very worried for your safety. Please, if you're watching this, you need to come home."

"What the fuck?!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Schtu-ball, this kind of got out of hand," Greg said, scratching the back of his head. "I just wanted to protect you, but all we did was put you in danger. I haven't seen you in months. I'm worried, and I miss you. Please, come to Washington so we can put this all behind us."

The parents all nodded in agreement, except for Butters' dad, who pushed his way to the front of the crowd. "Butters! I thought I told you NOT to join any resistance movements! If you don't come to the White House and have dinner with the President RIGHT THIS SECOND, you are GROUNDED mister!"

Butters' eyes widened. "Aw, jeez, fellas, we have to go, I don't wanna be grounded."

Pearl returned to speaking. "As I'm sure you've guessed, the peace talks can't begin until I receive closure from those I love. Please, come to the White House as soon as possible. I await your visit. I love you, Steven." The address ended, and the usual news anchors began analyzing the address. Tweek closed the news app, more freaked out than ever.

"...she's luring us," Kyle concluded.

Steven didn't want to believe it. "Kyle… I don't know if—"

"Well what do you call that, fatass?!" Kyle yelled at Steven. "She's fucking blackmailing us, dipshit! She wants us to waltz right into her territory so she can kill US and throw YOUR fat ass in the slammer! Or brainwash you, or something."

Stan glared at Kyle. "Hey, Kyle, lay off, alright?"

"Oh, what, SUDDENLY you care about Steven's feelings?" Kyle asked. "I'm sorry, the truth fucking hurts! Pearl's a bitch and she's trying to get us fucking killed! Just like Lapis!"

Peridot nodded. "Kyle's right. It's almost certainly a trap. We might as well walk in waving a white flag."

Steven put his hands in his pockets. "Damn it," he muttered. "So what do we do?"

Peridot hesitated. She didn't want to suggest what she was about to suggest, after Steven told her twice already that this wasn't an option, but… they were running OUT of available options. "...you know, Steven, we don't have to go in there alone."

"What do you mean?" Steven asked. Peridot pointed to the injector behind him. "Oh. No, we can't. It's—"

"We're running out of options," Peridot argued. "The longer we wait, the more damage Pearl does to this planet… and the more we risk this war going nuclear. The Kindergarten will destroy this part of the planet, but it could save MILLIONS, maybe even BILLIONS of lives in the long run." She paused. "Ultimately, it's your choice, but… I just wanted you to know that's still one of our options. If we rush production and prioritize only a few rows, we could have a couple dozen Quartz soldiers ready to fight in two weeks."

"Two weeks? But you said—"

"If we devote our resources evenly across the Kindergarten, then yes, it will take several months. But if we're smart and we prioritize, we could have an army of our own in time to march into Pearl's office on an even playing field."

Steven looked around at his other companions. Everyone was looking at him to make a decision. EVERYONE. He looked at the one person whose entire existence was owed to one of the Earth Kindergartens. "Amethyst?"

Amethyst sighed. "I don't like this one bit. I spent YEARS trying to come to terms with the damage that my very EXISTENCE did to the planet." She paused. "...but… if you're waiting for me to tell you we shouldn't do this, I wouldn't hold your breath. Peridot's right. We're out of options. Ultimately… it's up to you."

Garnet nodded. "We trusted Rose to make decisions like this for us all the time. I know it's sort of a heavy burden to bear, but now we're trusting YOU to make those decisions. Whatever you decide to do, we'll all stand behind you to help you through the aftermath."

Steven looked back at everyone else. Connie looked worried, but she wasn't saying anything. Terrance and Phillip seemed like they wanted to see the Kindergarten activated. The Boys at least knew the seriousness of the situation, based on the looks on their faces. "Well, dude?" Kenny asked, his voice muffled by his hood. "What are we gonna do?"

Steven thought for a moment more. Finally, he sighed. "Peridot. I want you and Dr. Mephisto to work together to make the most efficient, least environmentally damaging use of this Kindergarten as possible."

Peridot actually looked surprised. She also looked worried. "Are you sure about this?"

"No, but… I don't know what else to do. Just… do it. Turn on the injectors."

Tweek twitched. "Agh! AGHH, AAAAGH!" he screamed as he collapsed, completely exhausted from all of the freaking out he'd been doing. Craig glanced over at his boyfriend.

"Uh… he'll be fine. He does this all the time."

Connie gasped softly. She looked at Amethyst, who looked worried, but not angry with Steven. Garnet crossed her arms with a neutral expression on her face. "Steven, are we really doing this?" Connie asked.

Steven nodded. "Yeah. We're doing this. I'm really, really sorry."

Connie shook her head. "Don't apologize, it's just… you seem so DEFEATED. Is this really what you want?"

Steven looked annoyed. "No, Connie, of COURSE it's not what I want. Why would I WANT this?" Realizing he was losing his temper, he walked away to try and calm down.

"Steven, wait!" Connie started to follow, but Garnet grabbed her shoulder.

"Steven needs some time alone," she said. "He just had to make a very, very hard decision. One which will cause irreversible damage to the planet. He's going to blame himself for it for a very, very long time… perhaps for the rest of his life."

"Then why is he doing it?"

"...he believes the damage done here will be outdone by the lives he'll save by ending this war quickly. I'm inclined to believe he's correct." Garnet sat down on a rock. "Rose had to make tough decisions like this frequently. I had hoped Steven would never have to do so, but here we are."

"Let's just hope it's all worth it," Stan commented.

"Yes. Let's hope."

Terrance stared at the Crystal Renegades as they contemplated the situation. "Jesus Christ, you guys are fucking depressing. No wonder nobody likes you." Phillip farted, and both Canadians laughed.

Nobody else was laughing.


	23. Chapter 22: Yellow Diamond's Nephew

Geminga 7 was a fucking nightmare.

As if it wasn't enough that the Galactic Federation was muscling in on her colonies, Yellow Diamond now had to deal with this idiot from Earth waltzing around in her palace like he owned the place. Saddam Hussein, who somehow made his way past her guards and into her life several weeks ago, managed to evade capture at every turn. She had no idea where he was now, but—oh, here he was.

"Hey, buddy!" Saddam greeted. "When are we gonna take over the universe? I'm really bored AND really horny!"

"You don't have any horns," Yellow Diamond groaned. Her Pearl suddenly entered the room in a panicked state.

"My Diamond!" Yellow Pearl yelled, leaning with one arm on the wall to catch her breath. Clearly, she'd jogged quite a distance. She also didn't need to breathe in the first place, so fuck this poser-ass-pointy-nose-ass-ten-finger-ten-toe-having-ass bitch.

"Quit pretending you need to breathe, Pearl," Yellow Diamond scoffed. "What is it?"

"Something terrible has happened on Earth!"

"That colony still exists?"

"Well, not as a colony, no, but the planet itself is still very much intact."

Yellow leaned back in her seat. "Then I don't care. Let me know when that treacherous Peridot has managed to get herself elected President."

"A _Pearl_ is the President!"

Yellow Diamond would have spit her drink, if she drank, but of course she doesn't, because aliens gotta be all alien and shit, not giving a shit about mortality and basic biological functions and shit. "Excuse me?! A Pearl? PRESIDENT of the United Slaves of Amerigo Vespucci? Don't make me laugh, Pearl."

"I assure you, it's true!" The Pearl asserted. She stood up straight and tall. She was clearly confident in what she was saying. "One of the Crystal Gems has managed to rise to the most powerful seat on the planet! AND she's waging war against half of the humans on the planet!"

"Didn't you say you had TERRIBLE news?" Yellow asked, raising an eyebrow. "If she's taking care of the planet's rodent problem, I'd hardly call that bad news."

"Well, THAT isn't what I came in here to tell you," Yellow Pearl admitted. "Still, though, a Pearl is President! Isn't that neat?" Yellow Diamond glared at her Pearl. "Uh, I mean, a travesty! It's terrible, it's against God's will!"

"Wait, you guys believe in a 'god' here?" Saddam asked confused. "What the fuck. I thought you guys were fucking aliens, why do you even have a CONCEPT of god?"

"Quiet, you," Yellow Diamond scolded the rodent. "So what IS it you wanted to tell me, Pearl?"

"The Charlie Kindergarten's been activated!"

"The Charlie what-now?"

"The third Earth Kindergarten!"

"There were three Earth Kindergartens?"

Yellow Pearl was astonished. "HOW could you not know about this?! Earth was YOUR colony!"

"It was PINK'S colony. I intended to blast that eyesore to bits the moment she was assassinated by that mysterious Rose Quartz character." Yellow Diamond thought about it for a moment. "You know, during the war, we never saw Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond in the same room together. Why is that, do you think?"

"Look, the point is, somebody activated that Kindergarten, and it WASN'T us!" the Pearl clarified.

Yellow Diamond waved her servant's concerns away. "Ah, it was likely that worthless Peridot. She's returned her allegiance to me and is attempting to regain my favor by building an army."

"OR," Yellow Pearl countered, "she's building an army to DEPOSE you! Those new Gems won't be loyal to you! They'll be loyal to HER!"

"She would only do that if she were suicidal." Yellow Diamond thought about it for a moment. "Gosh, I hope she isn't suicidal."

"WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?!"

"Boredom, Pearl. I'm bored. I have the entire galaxy at my fingertips and it's BORING. Ruling an empire… is boring. I have a meeting tonight with a Mr-Slash-Missus Kang and Kodos Johnson of Rigel VII and THAT is going to be boring." Yellow Diamond sighed. "I almost miss the war. At least THAT was interesting."

This gave Saddam an idea. "Hey, if you got involved in that civil war the Crystal Gems are having, it might give you something to do!"

"Quiet, rodent!" Yellow Diamond hummed. "Hmm. Pearl. What if… _we_ got involved in that civil war the Crystal Gems are having? But THIS TIME, we aid the rebels!"

"Why would we do that?" Yellow Pearl asked, confused.

"Because I'm bored of being rebelled against." Yellow Diamond leaned forward and grinned. "Helping the underdogs might be fun. Get me a direct line with the leader of the rebels."

"Of course, My Diamond. Right away." Yellow Pearl, though still unsure why she was doing this, left to go make the necessary preparations.

* * *

Steven, Peridot, and Dr. Mephisto stood atop the hill overlooking Ishpatina Ridge, now a barren wasteland. The two Gems looked depressed, but Dr. Mephisto looked quite proud. "Well, I think I've outdone myself here. I'm proud of the work we've done."

"How can you be proud of this?" Steven asked, stepping forward and gesturing out to the chaos. "Look at what we did! This place is a dump, now!"

"Didn't you say this was some sort of 'greater good' bull crap?" Mephisto countered. "There is no greater good than scientific progress. My only regret is that Peridot wouldn't let me add extra asses to the Quartz soldiers."

"Adding extra buttocks to a Gem's form serves no purpose," Peridot grumbled. "A Gem's hindquarters is more a detriment than anything else."

Steven quickly glanced at Peridot's rear end. "Well. I wouldn't say THAT."

"Steven, my eyes are up here."

"Sorry."

The trio stared at the Kindergarten a bit longer in total silence. Maybe two dozen Quartz soldiers were beginning to emerge from their holes, a process overseen by Amethyst. Peridot erased a lot of their loyalty programming once she found the proper protocols; it was bad enough they were bred to be soldiers, she didn't want them to be total slaves, either. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny arrived. Kyle was staring at his phone in worry.

"Oh, hello, boys," Mephisto greeted. "We were just basking in the glorious destruction of our natural environment to advance a vicious military campaign. How are you doing, today?"

"Kyle's brother won't answer any of his phone calls," Stan said. "He just went silent after we entered Canada."

"He's not responding to my text messages, either!" Kyle said. "It's like he's not even seeing them!"

Peridot shrugged. "You're probably not getting very good cellular reception in Canada. Here, you see that cave down there, next to the main injector?" Peridot pointed down the hill, to a small opening in the wall. "That's an old pre-war monitoring station. Peridots like myself used them to communicate with Homeworld during the first era. You might be able to boost your reception with a communication array in there."

"Great. Come on, guys, let's go," Stan said as he led his friends down into the Kindergarten.

"...I'm tired of those kids, are you sure we can't go to Springfield next?" Peridot asked when the boys were gone.

The boys walked past Amethyst as she observed the newly created Gems, who were beginning to exit their holes. Butters stood next to Amethyst and watched in awe. "So how's this going?" Cartman asked.

"We're about to find out," Amethyst replied. The first soldier, Aventurine, fully left her hole and looked at the desolate wasteland around her. She was of average height, with dark green skin and a muscular build. Her lime-green hair was spiked up, and a Pink Diamond insignia was emblazoned on the chest of her jumpsuit. "Heyyyy, friend, glad you could make it!" Amethyst greeted.

"Ugh, I hate Mondays," the newly created Gem groaned. "Can I go back inside, now?"

Butters' mouth was agape. "Jeeeeez! We made a whole new person!"

"You hate Mondays?" Kyle asked, bewildered. "You were just fucking born, you don't even know what Mondays ARE, AND it's a Wednesday, how can you hate Mondays already?!"

"Don't have a cow, man."

Amethyst smiled. "Oh, I'm gonna like these new Gems. Hey, newbie. We're in the middle of a war, think you can help us out?"

"Eat my shorts!"

Stan blinked. "Is… is she just quoting TV catchphrases?"

Amethyst laughed. "Oh, man, I can't believe Peridot actually put that in, I didn't think she would actually do it!"

Aventurine shrugged. "Hey, I just do what my protocol tells me, and right now my protocol is telling me that you guys are freakin' sweet." She glanced at Kenny, and pointed at him, laughing. "Haha, they killed Kenny!"

The boys stared at Kenny, confused. "No they didn't, he's right here," Stan said.

"Well, yeah, NOW he is, but just you wait!" Aventurine said, still chuckling as she continued to walk out of her hole. Other Aventurine soldiers emerged as well, each one quoting TV catchphrases.

"What the deuce?"

"One of these days, Alice, one of these days!"

"Hello, Newman."

"Dude, this is… pretty fucked up, right here," Stan muttered. Another Aventurine laughed as she walked past him.

"Hah! That one's a classic!" she said.

Stan shrugged at his friends, and they ventured into the nearby cave. "Let's just find that stupid radio or whatever so we can call your brother," he said.

"Hey, Stan?" Kyle tapped his best friend on the shoulder. "What are you gonna… you know, DO when you tell Steven that your dad's actually his dad?"

Stan sighed. "Look, let's face it. When this is all over, he's not going to want to go back to Beach City. It's pretty obvious that Pearl's gonna fight to the death on this war, so I figured… you know, maybe the other Crystal Gems might just want to move their base to South Park. Permanently. Peridot doesn't want to be anywhere near the barn she lived in, Garnet and Amethyst don't want to go back to that temple…"

"So, wait, you actually WANT to hang out with Steven when this is all over?" Cartman asked.

Stan blinked. "Well… kind of, yeah. At first I thought he was a big baby and kind of lame, but this Gem shit is really growing on me. Steven's cooler than I think you give him credit for. So, I kind of think… you know, they let Connie be a Crystal Gem, and she's just a regular human, so maybe…"

The other boys stopped. Kyle looked the most surprised. "Wait. You want to JOIN the Crystal Gems?"

"Look, they're basically space pirates that go around and save the world from evil alien shit. That's pretty badass." Stan sighed and glared at the ground. "Besides… if I'm anything like my dad, my life is going nowhere, fast. I think I was meant to do this, because what else am I gonna do? I don't have any other aspirations."

"What about sports?" Kenny asked.

"Yeah!" Kyle encouraged. "You're the most athletic kid in South Park!"

"Guys, I just… I don't think my life is going anywhere, okay? Protecting Earth with a bunch of aliens is what I think I was born to do."

"That's retarded," Cartman groaned. "Stan, you're living in a fantasy world."

"Look, will you guys just drop it? Sheesh, I want to be a part of my half-brother's life, is that really so crazy?"

"Yes," Cartman replied. "Stan… having a half-brother sucks major ass balls."

"Right, because you know what that's like," Stan rolled his eyes. Suddenly, he remembered. Then he blinked, and frowned, and stared at Cartman. "Steven is NOT like Scott Tenorman."

"Uh… guys…" Kyle interrupted the argument as he stared at something to his right. Walking over to the glowing object of his attention, he directed his friends to stare. "Look."

The boys were faced with a projection of the former logo of the Great Diamond Authority. Four simple geometric diamonds—Yellow, White, Blue, and finally, Pink—were on display. Pink Diamond's insignia was slightly faded out, but the rest of the logo looked as crisp and clear as an HD TV screen, and the image floated just slightly above the wall it was supposedly being projected on. Looking around, the boys saw four base stations around the projection, which appeared to be where the light was coming from.

"This must be an old relic from the Gem War…" Stan muttered. "Like, some kind of tribute to the Diamonds, or something."

Kyle was confused. "...why would they build a projector just to show a logo?"

"Hey, Kyle, over here," Stan pointed to the other side of the room, at a small control panel. "There's probably a signal booster somewhere here." He walked over to the control panel, and was joined by Kyle and Cartman, though Kenny stayed put and continued to examine the projector.

"Hey, you guys…" Kenny called out. "This was turned on _recently._ " No response. They must not have heard his muffled speech. "You guys?"

Stan didn't turn around. "What is it, Kenny?"

Kyle continued to examine the control panel. "Yeah, what do you want, Kenny, we're busy."

Suddenly, the image behind Kenny began to glow spectacularly, with the Yellow Diamond insignia becoming the focus of the image. Kenny raised his eyebrows as the diamond expanded. "Guys…"

"Not now, Kenny."

"GUYS, YOU GOTTA LOOK AT THIS RIGHT FUCKIN' NOW!"

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman all turned around and glared at Kenny—and stopped glaring once they realized the image that was being projected had changed.

"You have been contacted by the Yellow Diamond Control Room!" the uptight yellow woman on the other end greeted. Kyle and Kenny didn't quite recognize her, though Cartman and Stan did, for decidedly different reasons altogether—Cartman because this wasn't the first time he'd been in a video call with her, and Stan because… well, he knew a lot more about Gems now than he did before.

"She kind of looks like…" Kyle began.

"Pearl," Stan muttered. "Well, not THAT Pearl, but, you know. It's a Pearl."

"Hmm. You four don't look like Crystal Gems," the Pearl hummed. "Did I call the right Kindergarten?"

"Look, we're kind of in the middle of something here, so if you don't mind—" Kyle started before he was cut off by Yellow Pearl.

"I've been tasked with contacting the terrorist organization known as the 'Crystal Gems' by Yellow Diamond herself."

"Well we're not—"

"Now hold on a second, Kyle," Stan pulled his friends away from the screen. "This is my chance to prove that I'm Crystal Gem material!"

Kyle groaned and rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on, Stan, this really isn't the time for that."

"We're the Crystal Gems!" Stan said suddenly, turning back to the screen. "Uh, some of them, anyway. I'm Steven Universe's brother."

Yellow Pearl blinked. "Steven who?"

"S-Steven Universe," Stan said, confused.

"I don't know who that is."

"He's—he's the kid who you keep trying to kill?"

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"You held a trial for him on Homeworld."

"Mr. Sanchez?"

"Who? No, Rose Quartz's kid!"

Yellow Pearl snapped her fingers. "Ah, yes, Rose Quartz! Why didn't you say that to begin with?"

"Uh-"

"My Diamond, Rose Quartz would like to speak with you!"

The screen suddenly switched perspectives, and the boys were face-to-face with Yellow Diamond.

"Ah, Rose Quartz, once again we meet at last," Yellow Diamond greeted. She then frowned, however, and glared. "You are not Rose Quartz."

Stan shook his head. "No, no, I'm Ste—uh, Rose's brother."

"Oh, for crying out—" Yellow Diamond yelled out to someone off-camera. "Pearl! This is not Rose Quartz, this is Rose Quartz's lover!"

"Wait, I'm not his—"

"Listen, I don't have time for you," Yellow Diamond interrupted.

"Yes you do! We're Crystal Gems!"

"You four are Crystal Gems?"

"Yeah! And that makes us mortal enemies!" Stan exclaimed. "So what do you want, uh, alien scum?"

"Well, we heard you were having a little civil war right now," Yellow Diamond began. "Your Pearl ascended to the throne on that planet, correct?"

"Oh, yeah, fuckin' TELL ME about it," Cartman complained. "That crazy bitch has been causing problems for like two months, we need to just kill her and get it over with."

"Shut up, fatass, the Crystal Gems don't kill people!" Stan chided.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize I was being so offensive to the Crystal Fags!" Cartman said with a disingenuously apologetic tone. "What, are you gonna put me in time out?"

"No, but I'll kick your ass!"

Yellow Diamond watched in awe as Stan and Cartman fought. "And for the record," Cartman argued, "I'm not fat! I'm big boned! You need to quit putting your panties in a twist, just because I think this obsession with joining the Crystal Gems is a little gay!"

"It's not gay, it's really cool and manly!"

"They're all a bunch of chicks, Stan, and all they do is sing and cry, what's manly about that?"

"Just… just shut your fat mouth, Cartman!"

"God dammit, don't call me fat, you buttfucking son of a bitch!"

"Fatass!"

"That's it!" Cartman started walking away.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Stan asked.

"Fuck you, fuck the Crystal Gems, fuck Steven Universe, and fuck this god damn war. I am done with your bullshit, Stan Marsh!" Cartman pointed in the direction of home. "Screw you guys… I'm going home."

"Fine, go, who needs you?!" Stan yelled out after his friend. "Ugh." Suddenly, he realized he was still on-call with Yellow Diamond, and straightened up. "Sorry, you were saying?"

"I'm sorry, was I interrupting something?" she asked.

"No, you're fine, Cartman's just a fat asshole."

"I… see…" Yellow Diamond attempted to forget what she'd just seen, but the image of that hideous human wouldn't leave her mind. "A-anyway, we'd heard about this little civil war and we decided to help. We would like to send several soldiers from Homeworld to aid your pathetic little rebellion."

The boys were immediately suspicious. "...why? What's the catch?" Kyle asked.

"Truth be told, I am absolutely APPALLED that a Pearl has risen to such a high office," Yellow Diamond admitted. "I don't like you and I don't want to help you. But if it keeps somebody as worthless as a Pearl out of power, I'll do it."

The boys looked shocked. "Dude!" Stan yelled. "That's really racist!"

"Seriously, dude, what the fuck?" Kenny asked.

"I don't think we should trust her," Kyle said. "We already have our own army, we don't need her."

"Now hold on a second, Kyle," Stan put a hand on Kyle's shoulder. "Maybe this is the common ground the Crystal Gems and Homeworld need to finally achieve galactic peace."

"Stan, that's really stupid."

"Look, Kyle, Steven told me that he wants the Diamonds to be the good guys eventually," Stan argued. "Why keep up this war with his home planet when they're offering to help us? And, like, if the Diamonds created Rose Quartz, and Rose Quartz made Steven with my dad, then that makes me, like, Yellow Diamond's nephew, or something."

"Right, but I don't think YOU should be the ambassador of peace for Gems, you're not even a Gem."

"If the President can reunite the Korean people after threatening to bomb them twenty times, I can be a mediator of peace for Gems." Stan looked back up at Yellow Diamond. "I accept your offer!" he said. "We need a hundred ships and a thousand soldiers."

"That's it?" Yellow Diamond asked. "That's a very small amount of—"

"Look, just send what I asked for to Washington, D.C., and we'll take care of the rest."

Yellow Diamond nodded. "Say no more. This planet will be liberated from the Crystal Gems in no time."

"What?"

"It'll be liberated from that Pearl's rule in no time."

"Oh, okay."

"I do warn you, though," Yellow Diamond gained a more sinister look as she said this, "I expect… compensation for me efforts here."

"Okay, yeah, sure."

"...r-really?"

Stan shrugged. "Yeah, whatever, we'll give you whatever you want."

"Oh. Well then. I shall be in touch." The call ended, and the projector once again returned to projecting the former logo of the Great Diamond Authoritah.

"Dude, we're going to give her whatever she wants?" Kyle asked.

Stan rolled his eyes. "Pffft. No. She's clearly trying to trick us, so we're tricking her back. She's going to help us, and then we're going to tell her to fuck off in return when she tries to take over the planet." Stan started walking out of the cave, with Kyle and Kenny following. "You see, that's the difference between me and the other Crystal Gems—I'm willing to trick people to get what I want."

"Neat!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in the deepest pits of Hell, Lapis Lazuli was re-arranging her new residence. "Hmmm… maybe I should move the vase over there, next to the window… oh, but then it'll block the fantastic view I have of the Styx…"

Chef suddenly entered. "Hello there, Lapis."

"Hey Chef."

"How's it goin'?"

"Bad."

"Why bad?"

Lapis sighed. "I can't figure out where to put this stupid vase. I wish Peridot were here, she'd know where to put it. She always did have the mind of somebody who really wanted to pretend they were an interior designer."

"Don't worry, Lapis, she'll be here soon!" Chef comforted her.

"...what do you mean?"

"Oh, you didn't hear?"

"Hear what?"

Rose Quartz suddenly barged into the room, startling both Chef and Lapis. "You two! With me! Now!"

Lapis turned to her with a confused look on her face. "Why? What's going on?" she asked.

"Please tell me you care about the wellbeing of Earth as much as I do," Rose said, grabbing Lapis's arm and sounding slightly exasperated. "I've been up and down every circle of Hell and nobody even cares!"

"First of all, don't touch me," Lapis said, shaking Rose's arm off. "Second of all, no, I don't really care about Earth."

"Well then at least tell me you care about the people ON Earth!"

"Sure, Peridot. Steven, and Kenny. What does that have to do with—oh!" Lapis let out a gasp as Rose dragged her out of the room. Chef followed.

"You really didn't hear the news?" Chef asked her. "Hell on Earth 2018's about to begin!"

"What?"

Rose sighed. "The Damned Army is going to march up to the surface in two weeks. There's some kind of apocalypse prophecy and nearly every single clause has been fulfilled."

Lapis frowned, and again shook her hand away from Rose's. "Wait, what?! I thought Satan said he didn't want to do that!"

"He changed his mind," Chef explained.

"Why?!"

"Because both sides of the Crystal Gems' civil war have proven themselves beyond redemption," Satan explained from behind Lapis. The trio turned around to stare at him. "I believed that all of this could be avoided as long as there was at least one team of good guys, but two weeks ago, the Crystal Renegades activated a Kindergarten in Canada."

"What?!" Lapis exclaimed. "That's crazy! Steven wouldn't do that! PERIDOT wouldn't even do that, and SHE'S the one who's always talking about how much she wishes she could have her own Kindergarten again!"

"Well fuck, I don't know what to tell you, maybe that fuckin' gay leprechaun went back on her word," Satan said dismissively. "The Crystal Renegades ALSO just teamed up with the Gem Homeworld to defeat Pearl, so… you know. Earth is pretty much fucked anyway, so we're just gonna go up there and fuck shit up, make a big show of it. See you topside."

Satan left, leaving a very shocked Lapis—and a very worried Chef and Rose—behind. "We HAVE to stop this," Lapis said.

"I'm glad you agree, because I have a plan," Rose said as she began walking towards the upper levels of Hell. "We're going to stop the final step of the prophecy from happening."

"How are we going to do that?" Lapis asked, following her. "We can't exactly do anything from down here."

"We aren't GOING to do anything from down here," Rose said firmly. "We're going to do something… up there."

"Up there?" Chef asked. "You don't mean—"

"The portal between Hell and Earth has been opened," Rose gestured outwards towards the gates of Hell. "We shouldn't be doing this, but we've been left with no choice. We're returning to the surface."

"Returning to the surface?" Lapis was rather excited by that prospect. "Does this mean I get to see Peridot again?!"

Rose sighed. "Lapis, the second we finish saving the world, we have to come back to Hell. While I can't exactly stop you, I would advise against making contact with anyone you may have known in life. It'll just cause unnecessary pain and emotional trauma."

"I don't know, I think seeing me die was pretty traumatic already," Lapis quipped.

"Exactly my point!" Rose argued. "Do you want to put her through losing you AGAIN?"

"I… guess not." Lapis stared at her feet as Chef and Rose continued onwards. "What exactly are we trying to stop?" she asked.

"The final piece of the prophecy states that when a nuclear weapon is detonated by a Crystal Gem, the armies of Hell will rise up and take Earth," Rose replied. "If we can stop that from happening, then the apocalypse won't come to pass."

"And who in the Crystal Gems would even have ACCESS to nuclear weapons?"

* * *

Pearl sat in the Oval Office, a hand over her face, and a hand puppet over her other hand. "Gee, Ms. President, do you really think the Crystal Renegades will ever come?" Pearl said out the corner of her mouth in a high-pitched voice. "I don't know, Mr. Hat," she replied. "None of them trust me. None of them understand that I just want to keep them safe." She opened her eyes and glanced at a medium-sized briefcase in a rough leather jacket, which was sitting on her desk. "Thank goodness I won't have to use that…" she muttered.

"You never know," Mr. Hat replied. "If worse comes to worse, you have the codes."

They were, of course, talking about the infamous Football, a briefcase kept near the President of the United States at all times where one could launch a nuclear strike with only a key and a passcode. During the height of the Cold War, the passcode was "00000000", which in hindsight seems kind of silly and super dangerous. Today, the nuclear code was Steven's birthday. How wholesome. :)

"It WON'T come to that," Pearl argued. "Once I've secured the Crystal Renegades' surrender—"

"Pearl," Bismuth said as she walked in. Pearl quickly hid Mr. Hat from view. Bismuth stopped, and raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "Who were you talking to?"

"Myself."

"Oh, okay. Well, the Prime Ministers of Canada and Britain, as well as the President of France and several other European leaders have agreed to meet with you in Copenhagen."

Pearl sighed, crossed her arms, and leaned back in her seat. "I suppose they'll want an unconditional surrender?"

Bismuth shook her head. "Well, no, actually. They've accepted one of my conditions. As long as the United States cedes the portions of Ontario that we control back to the government of Canada, and as long as we agree to pay for the reconstruction of Toronto and other cities that were damaged by the war, they're going to allow us to restore the pre-war borders." Bismuth sat down on the other side of the desk as she explained the situation to Pearl. "That means that the human citizens living in the US will be largely spared from the repercussions of our actions." She paused for a moment. "More importantly, it means that, no matter what, even if he refuses to return to Delmarva with you when this is all over, Steven will be safe."

Pearl sat up. "That's… that's fantastic news!" she said. "Oh, and here I was, prepared to… well, it doesn't matter, now. When do they want to meet?"

"As soon as possible."

"Well set up a meeting!" Pearl said enthusiastically. This was great! Her Plan A worked, which meant she could cancel her Plan B—the plan that Mr. Hat suggested—before anyone found out about it.

"And another thing…" Bismuth continued. "We've received a response from the Crystal Renegades."

Pearl's eyes widened, and she practically jumped out of her seat. "We did?! Do they forgive us?!"

"They've… agreed to meet with us at the White House," Bismuth said cautiously. "I wouldn't get your hopes up."

Pearl frowned as she heard a group of high-pitched laughs above her. "Ooh, 'member when Lapis Lazuli got shattered?" a Member Berry that had been pacing around on a shelf above Pearl's head laughed.

"I 'member that!" another said. "'Member when the government put all those Canadians in concentration camps?"

"Sure, I 'member that," a third Member Berry said. "'Member when Pearl had all those kids sent to Guantanamo Bay?"

Pearl's eyes widened, and she looked back over at Bismuth. "Uh…"

"What are they talking about?" Bismuth asked.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, 'member when she separated those kids from their parents and locked them in cages?" the first Member Berry asked.

"Ooooooh, I 'member that, that was fantastic!"

"You locked those kids in CAGES?!" Bismuth asked horrified.

"Look, how was I supposed to know that they would mistreat people at Guantanamo Bay?" Pearl asked defensively. "I needed a Plan B, in case these peace talks didn't work out."

"And your Plan B involved sending kids to GUANTANAMO BAY?!" Bismuth asked for further clarification. "What the hell kind of plan is that?!"

"Well… what kind of plan is MURDERING Lapis Lazuli?" Pearl asked. Bismuth was taken aback by the question, and Pearl chuckled nervously and sat back down. "We're both guilty of terrible things, Bismuth. If I go down, YOU go down. So you'd better keep your mouth shut."

"Pearl, you need to release those prisoners immediately," Bismuth said softly. "I don't know what the hell's gotten into you, but we AGREED already that we're both going to stand down and accept whatever punishment the rest of the world has for us. This is only going to make things worse."

Pearl's glare softened. Horrified at what she was doing and how she was acting, she gasped and put her hands over her mouth. "What have I become…?" she asked herself softly. She sighed once more and released her grip on her own mouth. "I just wanted to do the right thing, and now…"

"Look, we can still fix this," Bismuth assured her. "You just have to make sure those kids get released."

* * *

Guantanamo Bay, meanwhile, was as busy as ever. The guards were excited to finally have new children to torture for the first time since the Bush administration. One disappointed guard was assigned to question former President Garrison, who had once again gone back to teaching fourth graders. Mr. Garrison sat at the interrogation table, hands cuffed, a smirk on his face. "Oh, PLEEEEASE don't violate my rectum," Garrison 'begged'. "I sure do hope you don't plan to stick a tube up my ass. That would be SOOOOO unpleasant."

The interrogator sighed. "Mr. Garrison, please just answer my questions."

"I'll never talk! You'll have to torture it out of me!" Garrison said defiantly. "Maybe—Maybe by taking a can of gasoline and using a funnel to feed it directly into my anus."

"Mr. Garrison, the security of the United States is at stake. We need to know how much classified information you gave the Crystal Renegades."

Garrison rolled his eyes. "I didn't tell them shit and they never told me shit. Their leader, Peridot, wanted to fuckin' kill me. I had nothing to do with them." He paused. "Of course, if you torture me, say, by whipping me and dripping hot candle wax across my back, maybe that answer will change."

"We don't intend to violate you sexually, Mr. Garrison," the interrogator said.

Garrison frowned. "Y-you don't?"

"No. Now can you please—"

"What the fuck do you mean you don't intend to violate me sexually?!" Mr. Garrison asked, glaring. "That's the whole fuckin' deal with this place, if you aren't forcing a nightstick up my ass, or making me drink bleach through my urethra, then what's the god damn point?!"

"Okay, this is clearly going nowhere," the interrogator groaned as he stood up. "Thanks for wasting my time." He slammed the door on his way out, and a rather frustrated Mr. Garrison slammed his fist on the table.

"God damn it!"

This anger stayed with Mr. Garrison throughout the day. After the interrogation, he was made to return to the outdoor processing area, where all of his students, Randy Marsh, Gerald Broflovski, and several of South Park Elementary's faculty were waiting in the humid Cuban heat as well.

"Well? What happened? M'kay," Mr. Mackey asked.

"These fucking bastards wouldn't even TOUCH me," Mr. Garrison lamented. "Too afraid to get their hands dirty."

PC Principal tilted his head. "They refused to waterboard you?"

"Oh, no, they waterboarded me," Mr. Garrison said. "And that was, like, whatever, I got half a chub from that, but not ONCE did they stick a flashlight up my ass. Not even WITH lube! What a waste of time."

Randy, meanwhile, was slamming his fists on the fence. He was sweating, his hair was messy, his overshirt was unbuttoned, and his beard was grown out, making it seem like he'd been there for months. "No! You have the wrong guy, I'm telling you!" he shouted. "I'm not Steven Universe's father! That fat bitch is a liar! Billie Jean! BILLIE JEAN! AHHHHH!"

"Give it up, Randy," Gerald Broflovski groaned.

The students of South Park Elementary gathered in a corner of the camp as they discussed what to do next. "So what the hell are we gonna do now?" Clyde asked. "We're all stuck here and the Crystal Renegades are gonna be walking into a trap."

"We have to think of something," Wendy said. "Heidi, any ideas?" No response. "Heidi."

"Huh?" Heidi Turner had zoned out.

"You're one of the smartest people I know," Wendy continued. "Surely YOU know a way to get us out of here?"

"I don't know what you all are looking at ME for," Heidi replied. "I had nothing to do with the Crystal Renegades. I don't even know why I'm here."

"You're in here because you dated Eric Cartman," Token pointed out.

"Well, yeah, datED. Past tense."

"You don't have ANY ideas?" Wendy asked again.

Heidi sighed and rolled her eyes. "Look, I have ONE idea, but I don't know if it's gonna work."

"Well WE don't have ANY ideas," Bebe pointed out. "SOMETHING is better than NOTHING."

Heidi sighed again. "Alright. Here goes. This is something I learned from Eric."

"Oh boy," Clyde groaned.

Heidi approached Mr. Garrison, who sat with PC Principal and Mr. Mackey as he grumbled about the situation. "Mr. Garrison?"

"What do you want, Heidi?"

"Well, I was just wondering…" Heidi paused for a second. "Are you giving up?"

"Well, Heidi, it doesn't seem like we really have a choice," Garrison lamented, glancing up at PC Principal, who nodded. "We're in Cuba. We can't really do anything, now."

"Wow, Mr. Garrison, I didn't know you were such a quitter," Heidi retorted.

"Heidi, that's unnecessary, m'kay," Mr. Mackey scolded.

"Yeah, Heidi, if you're gonna be a little turd ball, can you do it somewhere else?" Garrison said. "I'm not in the mood."

"Fuckin' pussy."

"Excuse me?"

"I should have known you'd give up," Heidi continued. "You've given up on everything else. You gave up being a writer, you gave up being a teacher, you gave up being a WOMAN for Christ's sake."

"I did not GIVE those things UP," Garrison argued. "Those things were TAKEN from me."

"You TRIED to give up being the President," Heidi kept tearing into him. "Then, when you got elected anyway, you ran away from your duties until they had to remove you from office. What happened to Making America Great Again, Mr. Garrison? It took you a whole year to actually pass some worthwhile fucking legislation. And after that, all you did was bitch about how there was a Witch Hunt after you."

"Heidi, you're really starting to piss me off," Garrison threatened, standing up.

"And now that there's an ACTUAL Witch Hunt, you're backing down?" Heidi asked. "Gee, Mr. Garrison. Everyone was right. You ARE a huge pussy."

"Well what the fuck do you want me to do about it?!" Garrison shouted. "Huh?! You want me to find the people responsible and—"

"Fuck them all to death?" Heidi asked. "As if. You'll just wuss out again."

"Oh yeah?!" Garrison was really riled up now. "Fucking watch me! Hey, kids!" Garrison marched to the center of the court and started to address his students. "What the hell are you all sitting around, for? We have work to do!"

PC Principal stood up. "Mr. Garrison is right. We can't give up now!"

"Now I don't know about you guys, but I am REAL FUCKIN' SICK of being pushed around by those bureaucrats in Washington!" Garrison shouted. "They locked us up in Guantanamo Bay! That PISSES ME OFF, and it should piss YOU off, too!"

"But what can we do, m'kay?" Mackey asked.

"I don't know. Hey kids!" Garrison called out to his students. "What are we gonna do?!"

"Fuck them all to death!" the students shouted in unison.

"I can't hear you!"

"Fuck them all to death!" the students repeated, louder this time.

"PC Principal, what are we gonna do?"

"Fuck them all to death?" PC Principal asked.

"Mackey?"

"Fuck them all to death, m'kay."

"We are going to get out of here," Garrison announced, "and when we do, I will not rest until everyone responsible for PUTTING us here has been fucked dead!"

Randy, having been snapped out of his stupor, stared at Mr. Garrison. "Hey, yeah! Fuck them all to death!" he yelled.

"Fuck them ALL to death!" Gerald yelled.

"Fuck them all to death!" the kids chanted. "Fuck them all to death!"

"And we aren't gonna stop there!" Garrison yelled. "'Cause the second I'm back in office, I'm gonna create a Space Force! And we're gonna go to the Gem Homeworld, and we'll fuck them! They'll all die too! Say it with me kids, fuck them all to death!"

"Fuck them all to death!"

PC Principal and Mr. Mackey enthusiastically joined the chanting at this point as well. "Fuck them all to death! Fuck them all to death!"

It was at this point that the guards in charge of the detention area were approached by General Revaur. "I have new orders from the President," he declared. "These prisoners are to be freed."

One of the guards looked over at the crowd of prisoners, who were still chanting "fuck them all to death". "Are- are you sure that's what she wants, sir?" he asked.

"Yes, she was quite clear, she wants to make amends with her enemies and atone for her wrongdoings."

The guards once again stared at the restless crowd, which was still chanting "fuck them all to death." "Sir, I don't think think these guys want to make friends."

"Well, the President wants them released, so…" Revaur waltzed up to the door and simply… opened it. The rabid crowd charged the now-open door, cheering.

"Yeah! Fuck them all to death!" Mr. Garrison shouted. "We're going to Washington, they'll all fuckin' die!"

All of the guards stared blankly at the now-empty detention center. "Well, that's my job done," Revaur said. "Anybody wanna go grab some Cuban pussy?"

* * *

Rose, Lapis, and Chef approached Washington, DC. The Washington Monument dominated the skyline; Rose sighed.

"I've missed it up here…" she said dreamily. "Isn't Earth just brilliant?"

Lapis shrugged. "Eh. It's okay."

"So what's the plan, Rose?" Chef asked. "How in the god damn hell are we supposed to stop a nuclear war?"

"If what I've heard is true," Rose began, "then Pearl is now the President of the United States, which means SHE'S the only Crystal Gem who COULD detonate a nuclear warhead." She sighed. "God, what's happened to her? Ordinarily she wouldn't even THINK of doing something so terrible. Unless I asked her to, in which case, she probably would have done it."

Lapis glared at Rose. "Sheesh, you're a real piece of work, aren't you?"

"Excuse me?"

"'Unless I asked her to?' If I'd asked Peridot to do something like that, she'd have said no, plain and simple." Lapis placed an accusing finger on Rose's chest. "You know, there's a lot about you that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Why is it that Pearl seemed COMPELLED to do anything and EVERYTHING that you would have wanted her to do?"

"Because she-"

"DON'T say it's because she loved you," Lapis cut her off. "It's more than that, and before this is all over, I'm going to find out what."

"Shh!" Rose shushed Lapis. "Get down!" She dragged Lapis and Chef down behind a bush.

"What the hell was that all about?!" Lapis said in a hushed tone. She peeked her head out of the bush. "...oh."

The Crystal Renegades-Steven, Peridot, Connie, Garnet, Amethyst, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Butters, Tweek, and Craig-happened to be walking nearby. "The White House is just a little farther ahead," Kyle muttered. "We just need to-" Kyle's attention was drawn by another group of people nearby… "...Ike?"

Ike and his Ruby team also happened to be heading to Washington. Ike turned his head to face Kyle, and he smiled… Steven thought so, anyway. It was hard to tell, what with the flappy head and the beady eyes, but he was pretty sure the Canadian toddler was happy to see them. "Kyle!" Ike yelled, running to hug his brother.

"Ike, what happened?" Kyle asked. "Why aren't you in South Park?"

Doc stepped forward. "It was horrible! The town was INVADED!"

Peridot raised her eyebrows. "Invaded? By who? The Canadians?"

"Bird-nosed bitch!" Ike yelled angrily.

Steven's eyes widened. "Wait, _Pearl_ sent the army into South Park, and then they locked all of the Crystal Renegades up in Guantanamo Bay?!"

"J-JESUS CHRIST!" Tweek screamed. "What the fuck, man?!"

"You got all of that from 'bird-nosed bitch?" Peridot asked.

Steven shrugged. "I think talking to babies was one of my mom's powers."

Lapis, still hiding in the bush, glanced over at Rose, who shook her head. "Actually, I just learned their language," she whispered.

"So, you're right here, and Steven's over there," Lapis whispered back. "Isn't that going to break space and time, or something?"

"That's not how that works, no."

"Steven, that bush is talking to herself," Peridot pointed out.

"Hmm? Peridot, bushes don't talk, don't be ridiculous."

"Oh, okay then." Peridot turned to glare at the bush. "Hey! You! Bushes don't talk, so cut it out!"

"Look, we don't have time for this," Kyle tried to bring the group's attention back to the matter at hand. "If what Ike is saying is true, we have even less time than we thought we did. We have to get to Pearl's office, NOW."

"You guys go on ahead," Craig said. "Tweek's a little freaked out right now, I'm gonna try and calm him down a bit."

"Be careful, guys," Stan warned. "You never know who's lurking around the corner."

"Or behind the paradoxical talking bush," Peridot added.

The rest of the group began the final trek towards the White House; Butters nervously sang "Loo, loo, loo," as they got closer. Tweek and Craig, meanwhile, stayed behind.

"Everything's going to be okay, Tweek," Craig said in his usual dull tone. "Our friends are going to go kick the President's ass and then everything is going to go back to normal."

"Nngh!" Tweek said involuntarily as he twitched. "I don't know, Craig… I can't help but feel like something really, really bad's about to happen! Like there's just more bad news around the corner!"

Meanwhile, in the bush, Rose, Lapis, and Chef listened in on the conversation. Rose hummed. "Hmmm. How are we supposed to get into the White House if the exact people we're trying to avoid are ALSO in the White House?"

Lapis peeked her head out of the bush once more, and stared at Tweek and Craig. "Maybe WE don't have to get in there."

Chef nodded. "As long as SOMEBODY gets the nuclear football away from the President, our job is done. It doesn't matter WHO does it."

Rose placed a finger on her chin. Her eyes widened when she realized Lapis was standing up. "Wait, Lazuli, what are you doing?"

Tweek twitched and stared, wide-eyed, at the bush. "AGH!"

"What?" Craig asked. "What is it?" Then, he heard the bush rustle, and more voices coming from it.

"No, don't…!"

"Who's there?" Craig asked. "You're freaking my boyfriend out, and you're starting to piss me off."

Lapis stood up, and, smiling sheepishly, stepped out of the confines of the bush. "Craig! Tweek! Hi, it's… it's been a while."

Tweek started screaming. "AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Chef stepped out as well. "Now now, children, there's no reason to panic!" This, of course, caused Tweek to panic even more and scream even louder.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH CRAIG! WHAT THE FUCK, CRAIG?!"

"No, no, don't scream!" Lapis begged. "It's okay, it's me, Lapis Lazuli!"

"THAT'S WHY I'M FREAKING OUT!" Tweek yelled. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!" He pointed to Chef. "AND YOU! YOU'RE DEAD, TOO!"

"Aw, weak, zombies," Craig groaned. "Are you gonna eat our brains?"

"No, no, we're not zombies!" Lapis denied. "We're, uh… spooky ghosts. Boo."

"You're not helping," Chef said, glaring at Lapis. "OBVIOUSLY, if we were zombies, we'd scare them less because zombies can be killed. You can't kill a ghost!" By this point, Rose had joined the two spooky ghosts.

"Actually, we've risen from the depths of Hell where we'd been condemned," she said. "We have unfinished business on Earth that we have to take care of before we can go back to Hell."

"Oh, okay," Craig said, seemingly getting it. "So you're here to kill Pearl and Bismuth, right?"

"Well, no, but we ARE here to stop them," Lapis said. "There's just one problem…"

"If we reveal ourselves to any LIVING people, we'll just break their hearts," Rose lamented.

Lapis nodded. "Steven, Peridot… even Pearl," she added, casting an aside glance to Rose. "They all loved us, and if we show ourselves to them, only to leave once our work here is finished, they'll be heartbroken."

"So why are WE the exceptions?" Craig asked. "How come you can show yourselves to US?"

"Oh, that's easy," Lapis said. "It's because you two HATE ME."

Somehow, that pissed Craig off even more. "Wait. Wait. You KNEW we couldn't stand you?!"

"Well, yeah, it was sort of obvious."

"Then why did you keep trying to ask us for help?!" Tweek asked. "Why didn't you just go away?!"

"Because I have an inferiority complex and I desperately crave acceptance and validation from those around me," Lapis explained. "...was this not obvious?"

"No!" Tweek exclaimed.

"Look, are you two going to help us or not?"

"If we help you, will you promise to leave us alone?" Craig asked.

"Pinky promise," Lapis replied. "I will never, ever, EVER bother you again after this."

Craig thought about it. This was a VERY tempting offer. Finally, he rolled his eyes. "What do you need us to do?"

* * *

The Crystal Renegades, minus Tweek, Craig, and Cartman (whose disappearance had not gone unnoticed, though Steven admitted to himself they'd probably get a lot more done here without him) finally arrived at the White House. They were stopped at the gate on Pennsylvania Avenue by an officer with the Capitol Police. "Stop! What, you think you can just waltz in here?" he asked.

"We've done it before," Stan said quietly. "When did they change the rules?"

"I need to see some identification."

"Let them in!" another voice from further down the lawn said. The group turned in mild surprise. Peridot glared.

Pearl and Bismuth were marching their way.

"Are you sure, Ms. President?" the security guard asked. "They're—"

"They're old friends," Pearl interrupted. "Steven, Garnet, Amethyst… Peridot… welcome."

"Up yours," Peridot muttered.

"We're here to end this war once and for all," Garnet declared.

"And what better a day than Independence Day?" Pearl asked. "Trust me when I say I'm tired of the fighting, too. I've already spoken with the Canadian government. The terms of surrender have been laid out. The only people left to make peace with… are the ones who I should have listened to from the very beginning."

Amethyst and Peridot cast each other confused, disbelieving glances. "You... still have a lot to answer for," Peridot said finally.

"Of course we don't expect immediate forgiveness right away!" Pearl said. "I just want you all to give us one more chance to prove to you that we can be the good guys again."

Bismuth nodded. "Peridot… from the bottom of my heart, I want to apologize for what happened to Lapis Lazuli. It was a power move… one that I didn't need to make."

"Yeah, well, hindsight is always 20/20," Peridot muttered. "That won't bring her BACK, though."

Pearl and Bismuth shot each other worried glances. "Peridot…" Pearl muttered. "You're right. There are some things we can't undo. But…" Pearl trailed off and looked into the distance. "...what's he doing over there?"

Steven, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turned around. Cartman was walking towards them. "Cartman?" Stan asked. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Cartman stopped to catch his breath. "You guys… don't worry… I did it…"

"Did what?" Steven asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I told all the Quartz soldiers they could come over here now."

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Steven immediately recoiled. "Cartman!" Steven said in a hushed tone. "Be quiet—!"

"Quartz soldiers…?" Pearl asked.

"Yeah, we activated a Kindergarten so they could come over here and kick your ass," Cartman said matter-of-factly.

"What?!" Bismuth said in shock. "You did WHAT?!"

"Cartman! Shut up!" Kyle chastised.

"You all activated a Kindergarten?" Pearl asked. "Why? Why would you do that?"

"Duh, cuz we're here to kill you," Cartman said, rolling his eyes.

The group turned around in horror. The Aventurine soldiers were marching over the hill, all chanting TV catchphrases.

"Oh my lord, they really did it…" Pearl said, horrified. "We… we're not the ones Earth needs to be protected from…"

Bismuth glared at the Crystal Renegades. "You're no better than Homeworld!" she accused.

"Oh yeah, that reminds me," Cartman continued. Before he could finish his thought, however, several Homeworld battleships entered the planet's atmosphere and surrounded the White House.

"Attention Crystal Renegades!" Yellow Diamond's booming voice could be heard from the lead ship. "Your backup has arrived!"

Steven stared into the sky in horror. "W...what?! We didn't do that! Who contacted HOMEWORLD?!"

"Stan did," Cartman said, pointing at Stan. "I told him not to, but he didn't listen to me. It was all his idea."

"Cartman!" Stan yelled, annoyed.

"You did WHAT?!" Steven yelled. "Are you SERIOUS?! That might be the dumbest thing you've ever done!"

"But- but you're always talking about how you want peace between the Crystal Gems and Homeworld," Stan said meekly.

"Yeah! I mean I want them to LEAVE US ALONE, not that I want to TEAM UP with them! What were you THINKING?!"

"I thought, you know, if I did this, maybe you'd think I was Crystal Gem material…"

"Well you thought wrong!" Steven yelled. "Stan Marsh. You will never, EVER be Crystal Gem material!"

Pearl and Bismuth, meanwhile, were focused on the Homeworld ships and advancing army. "None of you are Crystal Gem material…" Pearl muttered. "All of you did the things we as Crystal Gems sought to prevent!"

"We did this to stop YOU!" Peridot growled. "YOU'RE the one who's out of control! You FORCED OUR HAND!"

Suddenly, Pearl raised her left hand, which had Mr. Hat over it. "They're going to kill you, Pearl!" she said out of the corner of her mouth.

"So, we meet again!" Mitch Conner said from Peridot's left hand. "Time to die, Hat!"

Pearl summoned a spear from her Gem and tapped Bismuth's shoulder. "Bismuth, come on, we need to get to safety."

"Right!"

Pearl and Bismuth turned around and started running across the lawn, towards another part of Washington—but stopped when they saw the crowd of students, teachers, and parents approaching. Mr. Garrison led the charge, once again dawning his blonde toupee and orange spray tan. "Yeah, fuck them all to death!" he chanted.

Pearl and Bismuth looked towards the White House, and started to run into the mansion.

"Get back here, Pearl!" Peridot yelled. "You can't run forever! You knew this was coming!" She ran after them into the White House.

Steven looked like this was all a little too much for him. Regardless, he called out after Peridot, and began to follow. "Peridot, wait! Don't hurt them!" Steven stopped when he realized Stan was also following. He turned and glared. "Don't you think you've done enough?" he spat. "Just… go home, Stan!" Steven turned back around and ran into the White House, with Garnet, Amethyst, and Connie following him.

"Shit!" Stan yelled. "Now he hates me!"

"Man, you really screwed up, big time," Cartman chided, earning a glare from everyone else. He seemed oblivious to this.


	24. Chapter 23: Pearl Derangement Syndrome

**A/N: ...I wasn't too happy with that last chapter, but THIS one was a LOT of fun.**

* * *

The sounds of gunfire could be heard all across Washington as both the Aventurine soldiers and Homeworld's own forces closed in on the White House—alas, human weapons did next to nothing to the Gems, and members of the Secret Service were subdued left and right, some non-lethally, and some in quite a gory manner. Steven, Amethyst, Garnet, and Connie had already followed Pearl, Bismuth, and Peridot inside, so they were blissfully unaware of the death and destruction around them.

The boys, on the other hand, simply didn't care.

"We have to get in there!" Stan yelled over the gunfire. "I have to help Steven!"

A nearby secret service agent had his entire face blown off by a cannon blast from a Homeworld starship; Butters screamed in terror. "Aaaauuuuuugh! We gotta get AWAY from here, fellas!"

"Screw that, Butters, don't go all chicken-shit on me now!" Stan yelled.

"Chicken-shit keeps people alive!" Butters argued. "I'll tell you who's about to die! Pearl is going to die. Bismuth is going to die. All these secret service guys are going to die, Kenny is PROBABLY going to die, you know who's NOT going to die? Us."

"Butters is right!" Kyle said. "We have to get out of here!"

Kenny stepped forward. "Come on, guys, we can't give up now! We have to—" A stray bullet suddenly flew through the side of Kenny's head, killing him instantly and covering his friends in blood and brain matter. The boys stared at his lifeless body in shock for a moment before Butters glared at Stan.

"You see? YOU SEE? That is EXACTLY what I'm talking about!" he yelled. "If we don't get out of here right now, we are ALL going to end up like Kenny!"

"Fine, Butters, YOU run away like a pussy," Stan said, turning around and marching to the White House. "I'm going to go help my brother."

"STAAAAAAAN!" Stan suddenly heard from across the battlefield. "STAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Confused, Stan turned his head to the source of the noise, and was surprised to see his father running towards him… dressed like Michael Jackson, for some reason.

"Dad?" Stan said, still confused. "What are you doing here? And what's with the getup?"

"Stan, I just escaped from Guantanamo Bay!" Randy announced, as another secret service agent nearby had his entire torso blown off by a Homeworld cannon blast.

"Okay, but that doesn't explain the outfit," Stan replied as an Aventurine soldier used a chainsaw she'd acquired to completely saw a secret service agent in half.

"Stanley, there are things you DON'T KNOW about Rose Quartz," Randy said, completely ignoring the very messy decapitation that was occurring on a secret service agent by a machete-wielding Aventurine.

"Oh, god, not this," Stan groaned, rolling his eyes.

"She's just a girl who thinks that I am the one. But the kid is NOT my son," Randy protested. Suddenly, he grabbed his crotch and spun around. "HEE-HEE!" he squealed in a high-pitched voice. "But seriously though, Steven Universe CAN'T be my kid."

"Grow up and face the facts, dad," Stan argued, glaring at his father while a Homeworld vessel landed on and crushed a trio of secret service agents. "You knocked up Rose Quartz when you slept with her fifteen years ago and Steven is proof of that. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go help my brother put an end to this war once and for all." Stan turned back towards the White House and started running between the gunfire and the laser blasts.

"Stan!" Randy yelled out after his son. "Staaaan, wait!" Suddenly, the ship next to him opened its doors, and a group of Homeworld Quartz soldiers stepped out.

"Ladies," the leader said with a fat fucking smirk on her face, summoning her weapon—a big fucking sword. "Let's finish this war."

The group turned their attention to Randy, as he was the closest living being. "Oh, shit," he muttered. The Quartz leader swung her sword towards Randy, but to his credit, he dodged it pretty well. "OH!" Randy shouted in a high-pitched voice as he spun around the blade. "Ah! Tcha! Shamone!"

Unfortunately, just behind Randy was Mr. Mackey, who took the full brunt of the blow, the blade digging deep into his neck. "AGH! Uh, m'kay, that's bad," he said, blood gushing from his jugular. The Gem grinned sadistically as she violently yanked the sword from Mackey's neck, killing him and causing his half-decapitated body to fall onto the grass in a pool of blood. Randy stared at Mackey's lifeless corpse in shock.

"Jesus Christ, you guys don't fuck around, do you?" he asked. Another sword was thrust in his direction, but he dodged it like a pro, making more Jacksonian noises as he did so. "Ooh! Ah!" A hammer came down on him—he backflipped out of the way. "Hah! HEE-HEE!" He moonwalked past the Gems, who stared at him in awe.

"What is that, Commander?" one Quartz asked.

"Those are the greatest evasive maneuvers I've ever seen," the Quartz commander replied.

Randy ran towards the White House, skillfully dodging gunfire, laser blasts, and Gem weapons along the way using his sick moves. "Sha! Dogacha! Atcha!"

Randy ran past PC Principal, who was fighting off a group of Homeworld Quartz soldiers. "Marsh!" PC Principal called out. "Where are you going?"

"My son is running straight into danger!" Randy called back, not stopping. "I have to tell him the truth!"

"Godspeed, Marsh," PC Principal saluted. "Gods—" he stopped and started coughing blood—one of the Quartz soldiers jabbed a spear straight through his chest. "Agh! Aw, dude. Bro. Killed by an alien. The fuckin' irony, bro." As the life left his body, Kyle, Cartman, and Butters ran past him, having been joined by Wendy—the other students scattered when the fighting began, the Rubies took Ike to safety under Kyle's orders, and Tweek and Craig were nowhere to be found.

"Dude!" Kyle yelled. "They're killing all of our teachers!"

"And that's a bad thing because…?" Cartman asked, prompting a smack over the head from Kyle. "AY! Touch me again, you fuckin' Jew, see what happens!"

"Hang on a second, fellas!" Butters said, stopping in a safe area. "I don't see Mr. Garrison."

"Hey, yeah, where IS he?" Wendy asked.

* * *

Pearl and Bismuth entered the Oval Office, where several parents from South Park were waiting. "Bastards!" Bismuth exclaimed. "Real fuckin' upstanding citizens. There are two things Crystal Gems are supposed to do; they're supposed to prevent Kindergartens from being activated, and they're supposed to oppose Homeworld. So what do they do, the SECOND we leave their ranks? They activate a Kindergarten and they team up with Homeworld. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this?"

Pearl crossed her arms. "No, Bismuth, you aren't. But WE screwed up, too. ALL OF THIS is OUR fault."

"And another thing, what was with that puppet?"

"What the hell's going on out there?!" Sheila Broflovski asked, stepping forward. "It sounds a warzone!"

"That's because it IS a warzone," Pearl responded. "The Crystal Renegades, Homeworld, and a bunch of elementary school students are attacking."

"And WHERE'S Kyle?!"

"Mrs. Broflovski, I cannot lie to you. Kyle is probably dead."

"What what WHAT?!"

"In fact, all of your children probably perished when the fighting broke out," Pearl said, turning to the rest of the shocked parents.

Bismuth shook her head. "No… the Crystal Renegades were smart. They were crafty. They knew how to get themselves out of trouble. They're likely moving through the building as we speak."

"Nope, Kenny's dead," Stuart McCormick said suddenly, glancing at his wife. "We can just sort of tell when this kind of thing happens. The other kids are probably fine."

Sheila walked towards a door. "Well, I have to go find Kyle! He's not safe out there!"

"WE'RE not safe out there," Pearl growled. "They're coming for US."

Bismuth glared at Pearl. "Pearl, something's seriously out of whack with you. You're only concerned about your own wellbeing, but you know what you SHOULD be concerned with? Our friends and allies are teaming up with Homeworld! I mean, has this universe gone all topsy-turvy?!"

"Screw that!" a voice said from the back of the crowd of parents. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan emerged from the crowd, glaring at Pearl. "Your approval ratings are in the toilet! Why, WHY can't we get a Republican President that people actually like?!"

"Maybe the national Republican Party is out of touch," Stephen Stotch said. "Maybe you guys need to perhaps rethink your platform to better appeal to the American people, as political parties have done throughout history to stay in power, and as the Democrats are doing currently."

Paul Ryan glared at Stephen for a moment, before smacking him. "Shut up, Stepheeeeen!" he exclaimed. "And you!" he said, turning his attention back to Pearl. "You need to deal with that war that's happening out there, or our approval ratings are going to tank even more!"

"With all due respect, Mr. Speaker, I think we have bigger things to worry about than approval ratings," Pearl replied.

"I'm going to go find Kyle," Sheila said once again. "Is this the way out?" she asked as she opened a door. It wasn't the way out, it actually led into a walk-in closet—and the corpse of Pearl's chief of staff fell out onto the floor. "What what WHAT?!"

"Oh my god!" Stewart yelled.

Pearl's eyes widened. "...is he…?"

Stephen bent over the feel the man's pulse. "He's… he's dead…"

"Who could have done this?" Bismuth asked. Suddenly, she found herself staring at Pearl. "...did you…?"

"No! I had nothing to do with that!" Pearl denied.

"He's not only dead," Stephen said, "...his pants are down, and he's been rectally violated."

"Who would rape and execute the chief of staff?!" Greg exclaimed. Paul Ryan realized something.

"No…" he said. "He wasn't raped, and then executed. The two actions were one and the same. He… He was fucked to death."

"What?" Pearl asked, turning to him.

"We're all in grave danger," Ryan concluded. " _He's_ here."

"Who is?" Bismuth asked.

Suddenly, the power cut out, leaving everyone in the dark. "Shit!" Ryan cursed under his breath. "We have to leave. Now. Everyone, grab a flashlight."

Pearl sighed. "Oh, jeez…"

* * *

Steven Universe explored the halls of the White House with Garnet, Amethyst, and Connie, a flashlight in his hand. "Peridot?" he called out. "Are you in here? Please, you need to think about what you're about to do!"

"Ugh, this is so BORRRIIIIIING," Amethyst groaned. "And on top of everything, NOW we're going to have to bubble Pearl, Bismuth, AND Peridot? Man, today SUCKS."

"No, we're not bubbling any of them," Steven shook his head. "We just have to get everyone in the same room so we can all talk it out."

"Yeah, that's not happening, dude," Amethyst rolled her eyes. "Peridot's been talking for WEEKS about how she's gonna shatter Pearl, I don't think she's gonna back down now."

"Oh Peeeaaaaarl~!" Steven suddenly heard Peridot's voice echo through the dark halls. "Where are yoooou? I've got a surpriiiise for you~!"

"That sounds like her," Steven muttered. "We must be getting close."

Connie tapped Steven's shoulder. "Um. Is this a bad time to tell you Peridot has your mom's sword?"

"Wait, WHAT?!"

Connie scratched the back of her neck with an embarrassed look on her face. "Yeah, she asked me if she could borrow it on the walk over here. I didn't ask what she needed it for, and in retrospect, I probably should have, but she has it now, sooo…" Connie sighed. "I'm not proud of that. Pearl's screwed, that's what I'm trying to say. I mean, if that sword's good enough to shatter Pink Diamond, I'm guessing Pearl doesn't really stand a chance." She paused awkwardly for another moment, before putting a hand on Steven's shoulder. "Sorry for your loss."

Steven called out, more desperately, into the empty halls. "Peridot! Come on, let's talk about this! Somewhere out there is an alternate universe where we're not all trying to kill each other, and Garnet is married and has a one-eyed cat named 'Steven '. Think about how wacky that is! And all you have to do to make that happen is NOT shatter Pearl. Look, when this is all over, we can even go to Springfield! You know how much you wanted to go to Springfield?"

"Steven, I don't think that's going to get through to her," Amethyst rolled her eyes. "YO!" she called out. "P-dot! I'm all mad at Pearl too, but killing her AIN'T the way to get back at her. Let's just stick her in jail forever, that's a WAY better punishment, it means she has to live with it!"

Garnet stepped forward as well. "Peridot! We'll all love and support you no matter what you choose to do!" she called out. She stopped when she realized everyone was staring at her. "Oops. Maybe that'll just encourage her."

* * *

Peridot, meanwhile, was deep within the twisted halls of the White House, dragging Rose Quartz's sword behind her. "Agh! Sheesh, this thing is heavy. How am I supposed to shatter Pearl with something I can barely carry?" Groaning, she weakly swung the sword over her head, its blade landing on the ground in front of her with a thud. "Hmm. I wonder…" she muttered as she dropped the sword's handle altogether. Then, waving her hand, she raised the apparently metallic sword into the air using her ferrokinesis. "Hah! It's made of metallic materials? This makes NO sense, but I'll take it." She practiced a few swings… and nearly sliced two boys in half.

"Hey!" Craig yelled. "Watch where you're waving that thing, asshole."

"Agh!" Tweek twitched.

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "Tweek? Craig? What are you two doing here?"

"We're trying to sneak into the Oval Office," Craig responded. "Some fat undead pink-haired bitch told us to, along with Chef and La—" Tweek elbowed his boyfriend. "—Uh, I mean, a skinny depressed blue-haired bitch."

"Yeah, that's not much better, Craig," Tweek whispered.

Peridot shrugged. "If you're looking for Pearl and Bismuth, don't bother. I already checked, they aren't in there."

"Shit!" Tweek exclaimed. "They're probably carrying the nuclear football around with them!"

"No, no footballs of an atomic nature were in the room," Peridot said, shaking her head. "But check it out! I found this neat briefcase!" Peridot held the briefcase in front of her. "I'm going to take it as a souvenir!"

Craig widened his eyes. "That's the nuclear football!"

Peridot was confused. "It is? But, it's not a football, and it's not made of plutonium or uranium or any other elements you would typically find in a nuclear bomb."

Craig snatched the football from Peridot's hands. "Me and Tweek need this, okay?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever, I mean, I found it, but no, yeah, just take what's rightfully mine, I guess." Peridot glared at Tweek and Craig as they ran in the opposite direction. "Pssh. I didn't want that nuclear football anyway. Now, back to my ORIGINAL objective…" she said as she continued her search for Pearl and Bismuth. "Oh, this is going to feel so good…"

"Do you really think so, Peridot?" Peridot heard a familiar voice from around the corner. It sounded more than 'familiar', actually. It sounded like… like her own voice. Peridot turned around; from out of the shadows stepped another Peridot; one who she hadn't seen in nearly a year. "Remember me, Peridot?

* * *

Back in orbit, Lars and the Off-Colors were desperately attempting to hail the approaching Homeworld ships, to no avail. Frustrated, Lars slammed the console. "Rutile! Hail Aquamarine!"

"Hailing!" Aquamarine and Topaz were soon on-screen.

"Aquamarine! Why is Homeworld's entire damn fleet entering the atmosphere?!" Lars asked.

Aquamarine looked just as panicked as he. "Why should I know?! I haven't been in contact with ANY of them since I left Homeworld!"

Lars growled. "Steven, I really hope you have a plan…" he muttered. Suddenly, he lost connection with Aquamarine. "Aquamarine? Hello, Aquamarine? Peridots! Get her back online!"

Army the Peridot looked rather distraught. "She's not in orbit anymore."

"What?!"

"She's been shot down!"

That was the last thing Lars heard before his ship was completely obliterated by an extremely powerful cannon blast, killing him and shattering all of the Off-Colors instantly.

The attacking vessel, Yellow Diamond's own warship, made its way into Earth's atmosphere, followed very closely by Blue Diamond's warship. White Diamond didn't bother showing up again, the lazy bitch.

Aboard Yellow Diamond's vessel, was, obviously, Yellow Diamond herself, but also her Pearl, Saddam, and an army of Jaspers, Rubies, and Amethysts. Saddam grinned. "Gee, this sure is exciting! We're going to go destroy Earth!" he exclaimed with glee.

"We aren't going to destroy Earth, you idiot," Yellow Diamond glared. "We're going to help the Crystal Gem rebels overthrow their tyrant leader. THEN we're going to destroy Earth."

Meanwhile, nearby, a ship from the planet Rigel VII watched as the Diamonds approached Earth. The ship's only two inhabitants, two Rigelians—large, green, tentacled, drooling aliens with singular eyes and goofy space helmets—observed the approach. "Drat!" one—Kang—cursed. "The Great Diamond Authority is besieging Earth!"

"WE were going to do that!" the other Rigelian—Kodos—complained. "Shoot them down at once!"

"I can't!" Kang replied. "This ship doesn't have any weapons."

"I told you we should not have gotten the LE model," Kodos quipped, rolling his eye.

"LE stands for 'Luxury Edition'!" Kang defended. "How was I supposed to know that the Luxury Edition was the worst edition?!"

"Well, at least we got to do this cameo appearance," Kodos sighed. Just then, the ship shook violently, and alarms began to blare. "Agh! We're being shot down!"

"I can't believe we're being killed off in our own cameo appearance!" Kang complained as their ship careened towards the planet.

As it entered the atmosphere, the friction of the ship's surface against the air caused it to catch fire—until it crashed straight into the White House's east wing in a fiery explosion, completely collapsing that side of the mansion, killing several bystanders on impact, and causing a huge explosion that could be seen from across the district. Kyle, Cartman, Wendy, and Butters shielded their eyes from the explosion.

"Holy shit, dude, what was that?!" Kyle exclaimed.

"I-I think I have an idea of what that was, Kyle," Butters warned, pointing to the sky. "Look!"

Blue and Yellow Diamond's warships approached the nation's capital, Yellow having previously made her presence known when the invasion began via a loudspeaker on the lead ship. But now she was ACTUALLY here.

Well, okay, the boys didn't know that for a fact YET. They could just take guesses, based on how each ship was several miles long and shaped like a fist. One was blue, one was yellow—it was an easy guess to make, okay?

"Holy shit," Kyle muttered. "Oh, fuck. Those are the Diamonds. The big evil space dictators Steven's always talking about. We're fucked, dude. We are so fucking fucked."

"Kyle, in case we don't make it out of this…" Cartman began, "...I always hated you."

Kyle grabbed Cartman's hand, and Butters grabbed his. "I know, Cartman. I know."

Wendy glanced over her shoulder, back at the mansion. "Stan's in there," she muttered. "I have to make sure he's okay."

"Go," Kyle ordered. "We'll hold them off."

"...they're just going to step on you."

"Yeah, that's… that's probably what's about to happen. Just go."

Wendy grabbed Kyle, Cartman, and Butters in a tight hug. "I won't forget you three."

"Ugh, gross," Cartman groaned.

Nodding, Wendy released the hug and ran into the White House. The boys stood their ground, even as the Diamonds' warships landed, and they began to exit.

"So, this is Earth now," Yellow said, admiring the area. "What a dump. I can't wait until that cluster emerges."

"And when was that due?" Blue asked.

"Two Earth-years ago." Yellow Diamond glanced down at the ground, and gave a puzzled look to the boys at her feet. "Ah. You must be the humans who call themselves 'Crystal Gems'."

"Well, technically, Miss, that was all Stan," Butters corrected her. "Uh—I-I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, it's just—"

"Silence," Yellow ordered. "We're here to shatter the Pearl."

"Well that's the thing," Kyle explained. "We kind of think you… shouldn't do that."

"Oh? And why not?"

"...because, that would be fucked up."

Yellow Diamond couldn't help but laugh. "Hah! Look around, human. Gaze upon the destruction that Pearl has wrought. Would you not say she's EARNED a slow, painful death?"

"I-I don't believe in the death penalty, ma'am," Butters said meekly. "I-I think everyone deserves a second chance. I think anyone can be a good guy if they just try." Yellow Diamond raised an eyebrow. Butters tried to keep going. "Why… I think… I think even YOU could be a good guy."

Blue Diamond's sad eyes glared at Butters. "Are you implying our cause is not noble?"

"N-no ma'am!" Butters said quickly. "Uh, look, I'm sure there are a LOT of good reasons to want to kill people and colonize planets! Tons and tons of reasons! It's just, uh, maybe you haven't thought about… you know, how everyone ELSE feels about it?"

Nearby, Rose Quartz, Lapis Lazuli, and Chef observed the exchange while they waited for Tweek and Craig to return. "Oh, Butters, you poor, poor idiot," Lapis muttered. "The Diamonds don't listen to _words_."

Rose watched Butters intently. "Maybe I just didn't try hard enough…"

"...what?"

Yellow Diamond rolled her eyes at Butters. "Move it. I'm tired of you."

"W-Wait a second, ma'am!" Butters pleaded desperately. "Don't you want to just talk about it?"

"No. Stand aside, before I move you by force."

Rose glared at Yellow. "I have to do something," she said, standing up from her hiding spot.

"Rose!" Lapis hissed. "What are you—?!" she stopped when Rose was engulfed in a bright light. "...what the hell…?"

As Rose moved towards the confrontation between the boys and the Diamonds, her form began to change. She got taller, her waist skinnier, her legs longer, her hair dumber, and she continued to march.

"L-look, we're real mad at Pearl too, believe me!" Butters continued to try and convince Yellow Diamond. "But we're dealing with it! We don't NEED your help!"

"Then why was I called?" Yellow Diamond asked.

"What the—? You called US!" Kyle argued.

"And you didn't REFUSE the call at the time."

"Yeah, Stan doesn't really think about things," Cartman admitted. "He's kind of an impulsive dickbag."

The boys and the Diamonds let that statement sit in the air for a moment, with only the sounds of gunfire, flames, and explosives to be heard. Suddenly, the (very loud) silence was cut short by one voice; "Yellow!"

Caught by surprise, the boys turned around to face the source of the noise. The Diamonds glared ahead.

"Who dares…" Yellow began, trailing off when she realized who dared. "...what?"

"The…?" Blue continued.

"Fuck?" Kyle finished. "Seriously, who is this? I have no idea."

"Pink?" Blue managed to croak out, her voice hoarse. "Can it really be…?"

"That's impossible!" Yellow denied. "You're dead! Shattered, by Rose Quartz!"

Kyle raised his eyebrows. "Holy shit. That's the one Steven kept talking about. That's Pink Diamond!"

Butters began to cower. "O-oh, hamburgers!"

Back in her hiding spot, Lapis watched the exchange, confused. "I don't get it. What does Rose think she's going to accomplish by impersonating Pink Diamond?"

"I don't think she's impersonating," Chef muttered. "Think about it, Lapis. We never saw Pink Diamond in Hell with us. Only Rose!"

"Well, yeah, but we also never went looking for her," Lapis pointed out. "I thought it'd be awkward, since we're always with Rose. Also, I have no stake in the whole 'Pink Diamond' situation whatsoever so, like, who cares?"

"Don't you get it, Lapis?" Chef asked. "Rose Quartz didn't kill Pink Diamond. She WAS Pink Diamond, like in _The Empire Strikes Back_."

"Wow, that's pretty messed up. So, wait, does that mean STEVEN is Pink Diamond?" Lapis blinked. "Did Steven know about this? Did PEARL know about this? Is Pearl a huge liar, like Obi-Wan? Does Steven have to fight his mom, now?"

While Chef and Lapis conversed, Pink Diamond continued to address Yellow and Blue. "Yes, it is I," she said dramatically. "I have returned from beyond the grave."

"Drama queen," Cartman quipped.

"I stand before you to—" Pink was cut off by the tight hug she suddenly found herself in. The much-taller Blue and Yellow Diamond gripped her tightly—Blue was sobbing, and Yellow appeared to be fighting back tears as well.

"How is this POSSIBLE?!" Yellow asked incredulously. "And where is your Gem?!"

"It's a long, long, LONG story," Pink replied. "One which I'm sure you'll want to hear."

"Can you give us the Cliff Notes version?" Kyle asked. "We're kind of on a time limit."

Pink sighed. "Okay, I'll make this quick. So, it all started about ten thousand years ago—"

"UGGGGGHHH!" Kyle, Cartman, and Butters all groaned loudly.

* * *

Pearl got up from the ground, coughing. The entire building shook, and it appeared the wing they were in had partially collapsed. "Agh, is everyone okay?" She looked around. Nobody. It appeared her group was separated in the collapse. "Hello? Bismuth? Sheila? Speaker Ryan? CLASSi? Is anyone there?"

"I'm over here!" Paul Ryan shouted from across the collapsed wall. "There's too much rubble, I can't get over there!"

"Is anyone else with you?" Pearl asked. "Can you find another way around?"

"I think so… I'm alone, but I think the others are nearby…" Ryan turned around. "I'm going to find another way around."

"Good luck."

Ryan heard footsteps. Pearl had moved on to find other members of their party. Ryan sighed. "Damn it. She doesn't give a shit about her approval ratings. What the hell are we going to do now?" Ryan started moving through the dark halls. "There's no way I can fix this before the midterms. This party is ruined."

The Speaker of the House looked around. "Hello? Anyone there?" Suddenly, he heard footsteps. Eyes widening, Ryan turned around. "P-Pearl? Is that you?" Silence. "...Is… is anyone there?" Again, no response. Sufficiently freaked out, he began walking again. "Calm down, Paul, you're just paranoid," he told himself. "You're fine. Everything is fine. You're going to fix this mess and get your party back on top in time for the midterms."

More footsteps, followed this time by soft muttering. "Chugga, chugga, ah, ah, ah…" the voice chanted.

"W-who's there?!" Paul Ryan's heart was racing, adrenaline rushed through his veins as he started to pick up the pace. "I-I'm warning you, stay back!" Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the silhouette of a stalker. He turned around, the shadow was gone. More footsteps. More whispers. He turned around, more shadows. Where was he now? He couldn't remember which direction he was moving, was it this way or that way? East or west? Oh, god, he was going to die here!

The Speaker of the House started to sprint. He rounded a corner and hid to catch his breath. "Hah… hah… did I lose him?"

"Hello, Paul," Ryan heard the terrifying Arkansas accent from across the hall.

There he was, in the shadows. He began to slowly march over to Paul, who started to cower. "N-no! Stay back!" It was no use. The man—nay, the monster continued to stalk towards him. A hungry slasher smile crept across the assailant's orange face. "I'm warning you, stay back! No! No! Nooooo!"

* * *

Peridot heard the screams, and looked around. "Did you hear that?" she asked her companion, one of the few Peridots still left alive, the so-called 'Era III', although to Peridot's knowledge, Homeworld was still in its second era. Returning to the task at hand, Peridot shook her head. "Whatever, it doesn't matter. What are YOU doing here?" Peridot realized something. The last time she saw her "sister"...

* * *

 _Era III glanced out at the ocean. She watched the waves crash against the shoreline for a moment before resuming her thought. "Would you have killed that reporter? If he hadn't begged for his life?"_

" _Of course not."_

" _Hmm. But the hundreds of other Peridots on Homeworld, you were perfectly fine with getting THEM killed?"_

 _Peridot's eyes widened. "So… you finally know who the traitor is."_

" _I was able to connect the dots, yes." Era III looked back up at Peridot. "And those gems back there. They're Crystal Gems, aren't they?"_

" _Please—"_

" _And that human isn't a human, otherwise, you wouldn't have been able to fuse with him," Era III continued, her voice getting angrier and angrier. "That was Rose Quartz. The Rose Quartz. The leader of the rebellion that left MILLIONS dead."_

" _Don't hurt them, please," Peridot pleaded. "They don't have any interest in continuing the war."_

" _I'm not here for THEM, Peridot," Era III corrected, her voice trembling with anger. "I was given one task when I was sent here. Yellow Diamond tasked me with ONE thing. You do know what it is, don't you?"_

" _Yes, you told me in quite terrifying detail what you planned to do once you found the—"_

" _DON'T be a smartass, Peridot!" Era III yelled. "Hundreds of innocent, hard-working gems who actually APPRECIATED the jobs they were given are DEAD because of you. You are the LAST Era II left. Do you think that's fair?"_

" _I think—"_

"Do you think that's fair?!"

" _No, I don't. I don't think that's fair."_

" _So what is it about YOU specifically?" Era III continued to question. "Why do you value YOUR life over the lives of the other Peridots?"_

" _I didn't know Yellow Diamond would—"_

" _Yes you did!" Era III shouted. "Yes you did. You knew what the consequences for treason were, and you KNEW how disposable we, as Peridots, were to the Authority."_

" _I don't value my life over any others," Peridot sighed. "I did what I did to protect my friends and this planet. Please understand that I didn't want ANYONE to be shattered."_

" _THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT!" Peridot took a step back, as her counterpart was practically screaming now. "Whatever your 'intention' was doesn't MATTER! Just because you 'meant well' doesn't mean you didn't SCREW UP! It doesn't mean you don't have to be accountable for your actions!"_

" _Peridot, I'm so sorry, I didn't…" Peridot trailed off._

" _You know what comes next, don't you?"_

 _Peridot closed her eyes and nodded. "Yeah. I know what comes next."_

" _Good. Because I'm tired of yelling. It's time to finally deal with you, once and for all."_

 _Era III summoned her weapon. Peridot stared at the drill, dread filling every inch of her soul. This was it. Judgement day. It all ended here. Peridot shut her eyes once again and tried not to think about her fate. She heard the drill power up, she heard it get closer to her forehead, she could feel the heat emanating from it. It got closer, and closer, and closer, until..._

Crunch.

…

 _Peridot opened an eye. Era III stood inches away from her, her face a tormented, distraught glare. Peridot opened her other eye and looked to her right._

 _The drill was firmly embedded in the cliffside behind her, just inches from her head._

" _Now we're both traitors," Era III said, disgust dripping in her voice. Leaving the drill behind, she stepped back, turned, and began to walk away._

" _Uh… huh? What?" Peridot started to follow her. "I'm sorry, why am I still alive?"_

" _Because living with the knowledge that you doomed Peridots to extinction is a far greater punishment than death," Era III replied, back to Peridot. "Because of my betrayal, the remaining Era III's, and perhaps what's left of the originals, will be eradicated. We are now the only two Peridots left. They don't exist anymore."_

" _O-oh." Peridot took a step back. "Where are you going?"_

" _Who knows. I can't go back to Homeworld anymore."_

 _Peridot scratched the back of her head. "Uh… you know, there's room for you back at the barn. I mean, if you don't have a place to—"_

" _Peridot," Era III interrupted. "I don't want to stay with you. I don't want to join the Crystal Gems. I don't want anything to do with you. If I EVER see you again, I will KILL you, do you understand? It would be best for you if we never crossed paths again."_

 _Peridot just stared, shocked. "I… but where will you go?"_

" _Quit pretending you care. You never did." With that, Era III turned and left._

* * *

Peridot finally realized. "You… you're here to kill me."

Era III shook her head, then turned her back on Peridot and paced the hall. "I've been walking the planet ever since we parted ways last year," she revealed. "I tried to figure out what exactly it was about this planet that made you turn on Homeworld. And you know what? I still don't get it. So, I returned to Beach City to ask you directly.

"Of course, by that point, it seemed you Crystal Gems had already screwed everyone ELSE, too," Era III laughed, turning to face Peridot once again. "The war with Canada had already escalated and your Pearl somehow managed to become the supreme leader of the planet." She paused, and glared at Peridot. "Are you understanding how ridiculous all of this sounded to me at the time?"

"It—it is a little silly, yes."

"So, I figured you would be at the planetary capital," Era III continued. "But then you weren't in Berlin, so I checked Hong Kong. Then, I checked Empire City, Springfield, and finally, Los Angeles. Then somebody told me that the capital of the planet is in a SWAMP?" Era III shook her head. "This planet doesn't make any sense. So, I went to Washington. Then I was told I had gone to the wrong Washington. So I came HERE, to the OTHER Washington, where finally I found you. But I see now that you Crystal Gems appear to be fighting some sort of internal battle."

"Yeah, well, I'm putting an end to that real soon," Peridot scoffed, gripping Rose Quartz's sword in her hand. "The last few months have been building up to this. I'm finally going to have my revenge on the two irredeemable cunts who hurt me and the people I loved."

"Are you, Peridot?" Era III asked. "I've heard stories of your exploits. Back in Puerto Rico, you were incapable of striking down the reporter who tried to kill you. You refused to end the life of Mr. Garrison, the man who ordered the hit on your friends. You couldn't shatter the fusion, either. What makes you think you'll be able to go through with it this time?"

"The difference here is that this time, my mind is made up. There's no going back."

Era III disagreed. "As long as the Pearl and the Bismuth remain alive, there's always a chance to go back."

"What, are you trying to talk me down?" Peridot asked.

"Quite the contrary, if you're set on this, I will not stop you." Era III stepped forward. "I simply don't believe you're capable of doing it. As a Peridot, I know that logic and reason override your emotions in the end."

"Why didn't you kill me?" Peridot asked abruptly.

"What?"

"Back then, in Beach City," Peridot reminded her. "I was at your mercy. Your orders were to shatter me. Why didn't you do it?"

Era III took a moment to ponder the question. She knew the answer, she just didn't know how to say it. Finally, she found the words. "I want to say it was because you weren't worth the effort, but that's simply not true. Nor is it true, as I had previously told you, that I believed survivor's guilt was a fitting punishment for what you had done, and in any case you seem to have forgotten about the thousands of Peridots that died in your stead."

"That's not true—"

"Save it," Era III cut her off. "I spared you… because it felt like the right thing to do, at the time."

"...excuse me?"

"Peridots are emotional, but we don't act ON our emotions," Era III explained. "Logic and reason—and, yes, maybe my emotions, but primarily the first two—dictated that… that killing you would have been the wrong thing to do. Because most importantly, we act on our MORALS, BECAUSE we're so logical and reasonable. Sparing you was, logically, the morally right thing to do. As much as I refused to admit it at the time, you aren't a bad person, Peridot. You do what you believe to be the right thing to do, and because of that, I didn't believe you deserved to die. And I don't think you truly believe Pearl and Bismuth deserve death either.

"But hey, I digress," Era III concluded her rather lengthy explanation. "Like you said, your mind is already made up. Whatever your decision, for better or for worse, you've already made it, and I won't try and sway your mind one way or the other. Really, I could care less WHAT you do—it's not MY friends you're about to kill. It's yours."

"Well, actually, I've never even MET Bismuth, but I appreciate the point you're trying to make." This earned Peridot a half-lidded glare from her sister. "Uh. Regardless. I've already made my decision, as you said, so if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go… confirm my decision." Peridot turned around and began walking down the hall.

"You don't have to be a slave to Mitch Conner, Peridot," Era III called out to her, catching her by surprise. "You're better than that."

"...how do you know about Mitch Conner?"

"Mitch Conner and Mr. Hat aren't the reality-warping super villains you think they are," Era III continued. "They only have as much control over you as you allow them to."

"Mitch does not 'control' me, thank you very much," Peridot denied indignantly. "I act independently of her."

"I know you do, though you yourself don't seem very convinced." Era III shrugged. "Whatever. You'll find out what I mean with time." She turned around.

"Wait!" Peridot called out. "Where are you going?"

"The Diamonds are here," Era III reminded her. "I'm getting the hell out of here."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I'd hate to be in your limb enhancers."

"I don't have limb enhancers anymore."

Era III rolled her eyes. "Oh, it's a figure of speech. Quit pretending you don't 'get' those, you've been on Earth for like three years." With that, she left Peridot alone. Shrugging, Peridot returned to her mission to cap Pearl like an ice cold killa. Except… now, she wasn't as sure that she wanted to do it.

"Oh, great," she groaned. "Now if I kill them, I'll feel _guilty_. Lousy Steven, teaching me empathy."

"Steven?" Peridot heard a young boy's voice in the halls. "Steven, are you in here?" Stan Marsh appeared around the corner. "Steven, I have something I need to tell you!"

"Stan?" Peridot looked mildly surprised. "The whole building is coming down, what are you still doing here?"

"I have to stand by my brother," Stan replied with a determined look on his face. "I fucked up by calling Homeworld. But we can still fix this."

"You and Steven are related by blood?" Peridot asked, slightly disgusted. "That's… disturbing on multiple levels. Does that mean Rose Quartz gave up her physical form to create you, too?"

"What? No, my dad had sex with his mom and then she made him."

"Oof. Poor Greg."

"I need to find him before—" the building shook once more. "Shit! I think another collapse is happening!"

"We need to move," Peridot ordered. "Now!" She and Stan ran through the halls of the White House as the building continued to shake. Eventually, they came to an intersection, which the White House seemed to have a LOT of, and you guys can't even prove me wrong, what are you, a staffer? At said intersection, they ran into Pearl, Sheila Broflovski, and CLASSi.

"Peridot, Stanley!" Pearl said, surprised. "Listen, we can talk about all of the horrible things I've done later, but right now—" Pearl narrowly dodged a rather club-like swing from Rose's sword. "Peridot! Listen! I get it, you're upset, but—"

"Upset?" Peridot asked. "UPSET?! Pearl. That has to be the understatement of the millennium!"

"Okay, so I suppose diplomacy is out of the question," Pearl chuckled nervously.

"Peridot, wait!" Stan tried to talk Peridot down. "We don't have time for this."

Wendy joined the group. "Stan, there you are! The whole building's coming down, we need to get out of here."

"Where's Kyle?!" Sheila asked. "Is he with you?!"

"Kyle's fine," Stan replied. "I think. Last time I checked, he was out on the lawn."

"He's trying to talk down the Diamonds," Wendy clarified.

Stan thought about that for a few seconds. "Shit."

"Peridot!" Peridot suddenly heard Steven's voice yell from down the hall. Steven, Garnet, Amethyst, and Connie all met up with the group. First, Steven stared at Stan, but realized there were more pressing matters, and turned his attention back to Peridot. "Please, DON'T kill Pearl," he pleaded. "This isn't going to bring Lapis back."

"I don't CARE about that," Peridot spat. "I KNOW it isn't going to bring her back. But it'll make ME feel good." With that, Peridot turned her attention back to Pearl. "As for YOU, I'm hoping you won't make this harder than it has to be. Hold still, please."

Pearl glanced at the others. She stared at CLASSi, who was filing her nails. "Do something!" she ordered.

"The gay little gremlin ain't beefin' on me," CLASSi noted with a slight hint of sass in her voice. "We cool. You gotta learn to not make enemies in this world, it's how you get iced. I ain't no Jasper-ass-bitch, I'm not looking for a fight, I'm a CLASSi-ass-ho."

Pearl turned her attention back to Peridot. "Listen, Peridot, I get it. Lapis's death was horrible, you have every RIGHT to be angry. But… am I really the one you should be angry with?"

"What are you talking about?" Peridot asked, still glaring.

"I mean… let's face it. BISMUTH killed Lapis," Pearl pointed out. "I'm not the enemy. SHE is. SHE'S the whole reason this war escalated. I made a mistake in trusting her. I see that now."

Steven was caught off-guard by that. "What… what are you saying, Pearl?"

"Peridot, I want to HELP YOU avenge Lapis," Pearl continued. "We just need to find Bismuth, and then we'll be able to take care of her… together."

"What—what the hell?!" Steven exclaimed. "Pearl, you're throwing Bismuth under the bus?!"

"Dude, THAT'S fucked up," Stan said, glaring at Pearl and crossing his arms.

"Mrs. President, you're absolutely disgusting!" Sheila accused.

"Mhmm, that's the code of the streets," CLASSi said, not looking up from her nails. "Don't throw a nigga under the bus, and don't be a snitch."

Pearl realized she fucked up by saying that, but didn't back down. It was her life or Bismuth's. "Look, we ALL know Bismuth's bad news. She tried to kill Rose, she tried to kill Steven, she tried to kill Kenny, she DID kill Lapis… can't we all at least agree that SHE'S the real enemy here?"

"Why don't you tell her that yourself?" Garnet asked. Her eyes wide, Pearl turned around to see Bismuth approaching from an intersecting hallway, glaring at her.

"I've been trying to talk you down since last month!" Bismuth yelled. "I wanted to end this war. It was YOU who pushed things too far." Realizing Peridot was glaring at her, she sighed. "Agh, no. I pushed things too far. Peridot. What I did to Lapis was unforgivable and I am sorry for that. Whatever you want to do with me after we get out of this is completely fair."

Still glaring at Bismuth, Peridot jerked her head. "Get over here. Stand next to Garnet."

This surprised Bismuth. "I… Okay. Sure." She complied, and stood next to Garnet.

"I will deal with you later," Peridot clarified. "Don't think you're out of the proverbial woods yet."

"Peridot, you're being hysterical," Pearl scoffed. "Now it's about time you abandon this childish little Witch Hunt so that we can get back to what matters, which is the Diamond invasion of Earth that YOU solicited, you hypocrite."

"No, they had nothing to do with it," Stan said, deciding to come clean. "It was me. I did it. I thought if I negotiated peace with Homeworld on your guys' behalf, Steven would think I was cool. The truth is that all of the Gem shit… everyone thinks it's super lame and super gay, and maybe it is, but I think it's really cool." He turned to Steven. "Steven, I look up to you. Really, I do. We're different. Like, REALLY different. But somehow, I feel like our worlds… mesh together really well. I feel like Steven Universe and South Park go together better than you think. I did the wrong thing by trying to get Homeworld's help, but I only did it because I wanted to impress you."

Steven was surprised. He didn't know that Stan… respected him that much. Or at all. In fact, he thought Stan disliked him. The thought that this kid who bore no relation to him whatsoever would try so hard to impress him was so touching to him, that he started to tear up. "Stan… I'm sorry I said you weren't Crystal Gem material. I was wrong. You did exactly what a Crystal Gem would have done—mess up horribly, then come clean about your mistakes."

"So… are we cool?"

Steven opened up his arms. "Come on, Stan. There's always room for one more in the Crystal Gems."

Smiling, Stan stepped forward and hugged his half-brother. "Thanks, big bro."

Steven blinked, and frowned. "Big bro? Excuse me?"

Amethyst tapped Steven's shoulder. "Hey, you're still crying. Are you okay?"

Steven frowned even more, and felt his eyes, which were still wet. "This isn't because of Stan…" he realized.

Herself realizing what was happening, Garnet quickly turned to face the wall. "Everyone, get down!" she shouted. Just as everyone registered what she'd said, the wall suddenly came down, covering the area in dust, asbestos, and rubble. Everyone started coughing as the dust cloud cleared, and stared at the newly formed hole, to see…

"Kyle!" Sheila exclaimed. "Thank god you're okay!"

"Oh, there you guys are," Kyle greeted, stepping over the collapsed wall. "We've been looking all over for you."

"Who's 'we'?" Peridot asked. Glancing up, she gasped in terror and backed up against the other wall.

Yellow and Blue Diamond were standing behind Kyle, Cartman, and Butters. Behind them was another, shorter figure that the others couldn't quite make out.

"My word, this place is a wreck," Yellow said as she glanced around. She was entirely too large to step inside, but she figured everyone could see her just fine.

"Yellow Diamond?!" Bismuth exclaimed. "Oh man, things just got a whole lot more complicated!"

"Yeah, I know!" CLASSi agreed. "Why's this shit gotta be all fuckin' convoluted and shit? Remember when it was just Member Berries and shit?"

"Ooh, I 'Member!" shouted the leader of a trio of Member Berries which had been sitting on the floor next to Pearl's foot. "'Member when Peridot was the Mayor?"

"Oh, I wish I didn't 'Member that," another Member Berry lamented.

"Kyle, what the hell's going on?" Stan asked, staring uncomfortably at the Diamonds.

"And where's Kenny?" Peridot followed up.

"Oh, they killed Kenny," Kyle waved the question off. "I mean, not the Diamonds, but you know."

"Yeah, yeah, they're bastards, we get that," Stan said as he rolled his eyes. "We don't have time for that. How come YOU'RE getting along with the Diamonds?"

Kyle looked up at the two space dictators standing over him. "Oh! Right! We've got someone here that sort of… talked us through it. She explained everything to us… sort of convinced us that we're all on the same side, here. She reminded me of Steven, actually."

Pearl raised an eyebrow. "Who on Earth has the clout to talk the Great Diamond Authority into an alliance with humans?"

Kyle quickly glanced at Cartman and Butters, who nodded to him. The three looked up at Yellow and Blue, who also gave an approving nod. "Guys… there's someone you should meet. She's kind of… the reason we're all here now." He, Cartman, and Butters stood aside, as did Blue and Yellow Diamond, revealing Pink Diamond, her posture straight and dignified.

Pearl stepped forward, her eyes widening. "Pink…?" She glanced down at Pink's naval. No gem. She quickly stared at Steven. "But how…?"

Pink stepped forward as she began to address her audience. "Greetings, humans… Crystal Gems… Pearl…"

For some reason, as Pink Diamond spoke, her words seemed to echo in Steven's head, as if… no, wait. Echoes happen AFTER. These were happening BEFORE she spoke. Steven was _predicting her words_. Next, she'd be saying _I come here today…_

"I come here today… from beyond the grave," Pink said dramatically, to soft gasps from everyone around. "I've come from the depths of Hell to-"

"Yeah, right," Peridot groaned, rolling her eyes. "There's no such thing as Hell. This isn't Pink Diamond. This is clearly an impersonator. Steven's fat mom shattered Pink Diamond centuries ago, we ALL know this. She doesn't even have her Gem."

"No, she doesn't," Kyle verified. "...HE does," he said a moment later, pointing directly at Steven.

Steven gasped in shock. "What?! Me?!"

Peridot scoffed and walked towards Pink Diamond, hands on her hips. "Oh, this is ABSURD. I am a CERTIFIED kindergartener. I have seen Steven's Gem HUNDREDS of times, and I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that the Gem he possesses is one of a Quartz variety.

Cartman blinked. "Maybe you're actually just terrible at your job."

Ignoring Cartman, Peridot continued, gesturing to Steven. "If Steven's Gem TRULY once belonged to Pink Diamond, then that would mean that Rose Quartz's Gem once belonged to Pink Diamond. And we ALL know that's not the case, because Rose Quartz SHATTERED Pink Diamond. ...is what they WANT us to think." Peridot started walking towards Yellow instead. "Rather, every single piece of evidence that we've dug up points to YELLOW DIAMOND being Pink's actual killer. It's the only theory that makes any SENSE! The only other person who could have gotten close enough to Pink Diamond to kill her was PEARL," Peridot pointed an accusing finger at Pearl. "But we all know that Pearl belonged to WHITE DIAMOND, not Pink. And with all of that being said, Pearl and I have some unfinished business, so if you'll excuse me..." Giggling madly, Peridot ran to the wall, where she'd dropped Rose's sword, and picked it up, then ran towards Pearl.

"Peridot, NO!" Steven pleaded as Peridot swung towards Pearl once again. Dodging the swing, Pearl pushed her way past Sheila and CLASSi and ran down the hall, away from Peridot. Steven, Bismuth, Amethyst, and Garnet also gave chase.

"Shit!" Stan yelled. "We have to stop Peridot before she fucks everything up!"

Kyle turned to the Diamonds. "You guys, go around the building! See if you can cut them off!"

Pink nodded. "You heard the boy. Even with the precautions Tweek and Craig are taking right at this moment, if Pearl is killed, I'm afraid her successors and military officers may plunge this world into nuclear war. The gates of Hell will open and the apocalypse will truly begin."

"And with the gates open, Homeworld may find itself in danger, too," Yellow added. "We MUST stop them. Quickly!"

The Diamonds ran to the other side of the building, while the Boys, Wendy, and Connie all joined Steven in following Peridot and Pearl. A few moments later, Randy arrived.

"Stan?" He called out. "Stan, are you in here?"

"You just missed him," Sheila informed him. "He went that way, towards the west wing."

"Aw shit!" Randy cursed, glaring down the hall. "Stan, you're being really fucking difficult!" he called out, before moonwalking towards the west wing.

* * *

Pearl ran for her life, the crazed gremlin slowly gaining on her. "Peridot! Peridot, please, let's be reasonable, here!" she desperately called out behind her. "We can talk about this!" She tripped over Paul Ryan's unmoving body, and she slid to a halt, staring at him. "Speaker Ryan?"

He groaned, and tried to pull himself up, to no avail. His injuries were too severe, he'd succumb to his wounds any moment. "The President… the President…" he murmured.

"Yes, Speaker Ryan, I'm right here," Pearl assured him.

"No… the last President… Garrison…"

"He did this to you?" Pearl asked. Her eyes wandered to his hindquarters, which… yup, Mr. Garrison had definitely been here. "Hang in there, Mr. Speaker, you'll make it through this." Pearl stood up and continued running down the hall. Peridot didn't even notice Ryan, she just stepped on him as she continued her pursuit.

"Quit running from your problems, Pearl!" Peridot shouted after her. "Bismuth and Garnet surrendered, why can't you?!"

"Because then I'll die!"

"Well, yeah, NOW! Garnet knew when to quit! She's still alive, isn't she?!"

Pearl ran into the Oval Office, which was still intact, and quickly ran for her desk. She picked up her phone and dialed the Pentagon. "Mattis, I need you to send the Army, the Navy, the Marines, the Air Force, the Space Force, the Maryland National Guard, the Reserves, and about half of the WWE, I'm in a lot of trouble and I need EVERYONE at the White House right now."

"Sorry, Pearl, no can do," he replied.

"Excuse me?! I am the PRESIDENT!"

"I've had a little discussion with the remaining other members of your cabinet," the Secretary of Defense explained. "We've decided to invoke the twenty-fifth amendment. You are unfit to serve the office. Bismuth is the Acting President until Congress can hold a vote."

"What?! You can't do that!"

"Just did. Good luck, Ms. Former President," he said before hanging up. Terrified, Pearl looked up. Peridot was standing in the doorway.

"Nowhere to run," Peridot said, a Kubrick smile creeping across her face. "I've waited too long for this."

"Peridot-"

"Shut up. Don't talk. You've done enough of that," Peridot threatened.

Yelling, she swung the sword down; Pearl dodged, and the sword embedded itself into the desk. Pearl retrieved her spear and tried to stab at Peridot, who was able to get the sword unstuck in time to parry. The two circled the office for a moment, each one looking for an opening, each one's Gem now on the line. Peridot was looking to kill; Pearl just wanted to defend herself.

"Give up, Peridot," Pearl warned. "I'm a far more skilled knight than you are. I've had ten thousand years to practice, you CAN'T beat me. Just put the sword down, and we can talk about this like adults."

"Newsflash, Pearl," Peridot mocked. "I don't intend to survive this battle. Sword skills are all about self-preservation. You CAN'T win against a self-destructive opponent. I'm going to keep throwing myself at you until one of us is dead."

"I'm NOT going to kill you, Peridot," Pearl said, lowering her spear slightly. "I… I messed up. My actions led to Lapis's death, I admit that, but YOUR behavior is-"

Peridot yelled as she smacked Pearl's spear out of her hand. Before Pearl could react, the green Gem raised her sword up and smacked Pearl in the face with the guard, knocking her over. Peridot placed a foot on Pearl's chest and swung the sword down; Pearl moved her head slightly, and Peridot missed. "Hold still!"

"Honestly, Peridot, why would I do that, that would be completely counterproduc-" Pearl's eyes widened as the sword's point was embedded into the floorboard, just inches where her Gem would have been if she hadn't again moved her head. "Okay, wow, you're really serious about this."

"Give me ONE reason why I shouldn't kill you right here!" Peridot demanded.

"Steven would hate you."

"Don't care."

"Would Lapis have wanted this?"

"She's dead."

"Are you sure we can't just go double-cross Bismuth? She's the President, so if you really wanted revenge on the President-"

"PEARL!" Peridot shouted. "You just don't GET IT, do you? You have spent this ENTIRE TIME trying to run from all of your problems. This WAR started because you didn't want to admit to Steven that you did a bad job protecting him! And it CONTINUED because you were too stubborn to apologize to the Canadians for petty bullshit you did months ago!" A tear fell down Peridot's face. "And after Lapis died? You didn't say a _word_ to me. You ran. THAT was the part where you should have realized you screwed up.

"But you didn't. You ramped up the war to try and distract yourself from the horrible things that happened because of YOU. The Gem that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with is GONE, Pearl. She's not coming back. She CAN'T come back."

"I can't bring her back-"

"I never asked you to!" Peridot shouted once more. "I didn't expect you to. I want her back, but I never wanted YOU to BRING her back. All I wanted was for you to face the people you hurt. I wanted you to do the honorable thing, stand up, and say 'I'm sorry'. Not just to me. To Steven, to Amethyst, to the millions of families that were affected by your stupid war. Do you even remember what the war was about, Pearl? It was about _Steven_. But you made it into a war about _you_. That's all you're good for, is making everything about _you._

"So I'm going to ask you again, Pearl, one more time," Peridot said menacingly as she raised the sword for one final blow. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you."

Pearl desperately looked for reasons. Any reason would do. All she wanted was one reason. Pearl thought, and thought, and thought, her eyes darting around the room… _Except_ , she realized, _there are none_. She couldn't think of any reasons.

Not a single god damn reason. Her eyes stopped darting. She slowly looked back up at Peridot, who was standing over her, blade in her hand. Pearl sighed sadly and closed her eyes. "I can't," she said. "I can't give you a reason."

"I thought so." Peridot slowly raised the sword above her head.

Steven ran into the room just in time to see. "Peridot!" he shouted.

Pearl's physical form suddenly disappeared, and Steven stopped in horror. Garnet and Amethyst joined him, and gasped.

With the deed finished, Peridot knelt down on the floor. "Everyone told me I couldn't do it…" she muttered. "And you know what?" She raised a hand-Pearl's Gemstone was in her palm, still fully intact. "They were right."


	25. Chapter 24: Blame America

Peridot tossed Pearl's Gemstone at Steven, who caught it in his right hand. He closely examined it—not a scratch. "You decided not to go through with it?" he asked.

Peridot rolled her eyes as she dug through Pearl's desk. "Honestly, did you EVER think I was going to do it?"

"For a while there, yeah, I did."

"Please. I couldn't kill Garrison, Garnet, or even Bismuth. Pearl's descent into villainy is already tragic enough, no need to make it any more tragic." Peridot pulled Mr. Hat out of the desk and examined it. Then, she walked to the window and glanced outside. The fighting had ceased, the Diamonds declared a ceasefire, and both sides were now taking a body count. "There's been enough death and destruction lately. I decided I don't want to add to it."

Steven wiped a tear away. "Peridot, you… you did the right thing." Looking up, he saw the Diamonds approach the window. He did, as well, and opened it. "So, uh… this is awkward."

"Oh, yeah, I suppose you're here to kill us, now?" Peridot asked, to which Yellow Diamond shook her head.

"We must speak with the ones known as 'Tweek' and 'Craig'," she announced. "We must know if they succeeded in the mission that our dear sister Pink gave them."

Stan entered the room, followed by Kyle, Cartman, Butters, and Wendy. "Tweek and Craig are on their way," Stan said. "They were busy meeting up with… uh, well, they wouldn't say."

Pink nodded. "I'd asked them to keep their mission a secret, even from their closest friends."

Steven looked SUPER uncomfortable. "Um. Pink Diamond?" he asked. "I've kind of been having a moral crisis for, like, two years now, and I was wondering if you had the answers. You are the SAME Pink Diamond, right? The one that was… shattered? Allegedly?"

Pink nodded. "You… must be Steven Universe."

"You know my name?"

"Let's just say word of your exploits reached Hell." Pink Diamond, of course, was lying, but she couldn't very well tell Steven the truth. He was dealing with too much already. "What is your question?"

"So, uh, you're dead, right?"

"For all intents and purposes."

Steven swallowed and grabbed his elbow. "Uh… So… Rose Quartz was my mother."

Pink feigned ignorance. "Is that so? I never would have guessed."

"And she's… kind of the reason you're in Hell to begin with, right? At least, that's what I've been told..."

"Did Rose Quartz truly shatter me? Is that what you are asking me?"

"I guess so."

Pink Diamond sighed. "Steven…" What could she say? He had other things to focus on right now. If she told him the truth… "Steven Quartz Universe. Your mother, Rose Quartz, was a brilliant warrior and strategist. During the war, she led the Crystal Gems through many victories, she kept her troops' morale high even through their many, many losses and setbacks, and she fought valiantly and passionately for what she believed in. And… yes, Rose Quartz is the one who shattered me."

Steven looked down at the floor sadly. Stan frowned, and approached him, deciding to pat his back to comfort him. By now, Kyle and the others had already filled him in on the Rose Quartz-Pink Diamond fiasco (to which he predictably responded "Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.") Though he was unsure why Pink Diamond was actively lying to her own son, he figured she had a good reason. Besides… he needed to grill Pink about something else, later, so he needed to keep her in a good mood.

"I guess I already knew that…" Steven muttered. "I'd just hoped that—"

"I'm not finished," Pink interrupted. "Rose Quartz shattered me. BUT. You are not Rose Quartz." This surprised Steven. "Any heinous crimes that she committed are not yours to bear." _Not the shattering, not the colonizing, not the Zoo…_ "If I were you, I'd forget all about Rose Quartz. She's not around anymore. You don't have to live in her shadow. She's not our problem anymore, and she was NEVER your problem."

Steven smiled. "Wow… Gee, thanks, Pink Diamond. I gotta be honest. You're really nice. I kind of assumed you were crazy and homicidal. You know, from all of the stories I'd been told about how crazy and homicidal you were."

"Just be glad you aren't in White's presence," Yellow said, aside. "We're unreasonable. She's four times as unreasonable."

Steven was a little freaked out by that statement. "More unreasonable than you?"

"Yes, I know, isn't that just absurd? White is, as some of the newer Gems would say, 'insane in the membrane'."

Suddenly, a bright light shone from the office doors. Everyone turned to stare, and they saw Kenny enter the room. "Hey guys, what's going on?" Kenny asked, his voice obscured by his parka.

"Kenny, where the hell were you?" Kyle asked. "Shit hit the fan and you missed it."

"Yeah, thanks for bailing on us, Kenny, you poor asshole," Cartman berated Kenny.

Kenny shrugged. "Tweek and Craig are here."

Tweek and Craig entered the room… notably, not carrying the nuclear football. "Yeah, we're here," Craig said.

"Agh! Oh god, who are these people?!" Tweek exclaimed as he approached the window and stared up at the Diamonds. "Seriously, who are these people?!"

Pink Diamond smiled and knelt down to their level. "Tweek and Craig… you were asked to retrieve the nuclear football. Do you have it with you?"

Craig shook his head. "Nope. We got it, and brought it back to Ro—" Craig glanced at Steven. "Uh, the woman who asked us to bring it to her."

Pink Diamond frowned. "Uh… what do you mean you brought it to her? That's impossible."

"Yeah, she was waiting outside the building for us," Craig nodded. "Said she had to take it somewhere important."

Pink shook her head. "No, no, that can't be. It's me. I'M the Gem who asked you to steal it, and I certainly don't remember—" she gasped. "Oh my god."

"What is it now?" Yellow asked, slightly bored with the situation.

Pink looked down at Steven. "Steven. This is important. Did you, at any point, encounter the Canadian Crystal Gems?"

Steven looked confused. "Uh, yeah? Pearl had them trapped in our temple, so we went over there and freed them!"

"No!" Pink exclaimed. "No, no, no! There was a REASON they were ostracized from the Crystal Gems!"

"What? How do you know—?"

"Steven, you have to listen to me," Pink pleaded. "The Canadian Crystal Gems are NOT who they say they are. They were as much my enemy as they were Rose Quartz's enemy."

Pink Diamond was really starting to scare Steven now. "I don't understand, what are you—?"

"We need to find them," Pink resolved, standing up.

Yellow rolled her eyes. "Pink, is this really—"

"Right _now!"_ Pink demanded, rather aggressively. "We don't have time to waste, we're going to go find them, immediately." Pink turned around and marched away from the White House, to begin her search. Confused, Yellow turned to Blue—for once, she was chuckling.

"And I always thought YOU were the assertive one," she quipped.

Steven looked up at Yellow and Blue. "Wait, I still don't know anything. WHY should we be afraid of the Canadian Gems?"

Yellow jerked her head in Pink's direction. "Just follow her. I'm sure she'll explain on the way."

Nodding, Steven bubbled Pearl and sent her back to the temple—just for now, he's release her later once he was SURE Peridot wouldn't kill her. Then, he hopped out the window and followed Pink Diamond. "Come on, guys, let's go." Garnet, Amethyst, Bismuth, Peridot, and Connie all started following him.

Stan turned to his friends. "Well, you guys heard him. Follow Steven." Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Wendy, Tweek, and Craig all started following as well. As soon as everyone left, Randy arrived.

"Stan! Stan, I have to…" he trailed off as he looked around. Only Sheila and CLASSi were in here. "Where the hell is everyone?"

"You just missed them," Sheila said. "They followed the Diamonds to their spaceships."

Randy glared out onto the White House lawn. "God fucking damn it!" he exclaimed. "I need to put an ankle bracelet on this fucking shit-ass kid, I swear…" As he turned around, he bumped into Greg, who himself was just entering the room. "...and who the hell are you supposed to be?"

"I'm Greg Universe. Have you seen Steven anywhere? He's my son."

"...oh, that's awkward."

* * *

Rose marched towards the Washington Monument, the nuclear football in her hands. Saddam Hussein was waiting for her, standing in front of Yellow Diamond's warship.

"Well? Did you get it?" Saddam asked.

"I sure did, buddy!" Rose responded.

"Stop!" she heard behind her. Groaning, Rose turned around and glared at Garnet, who was quickly approaching her, followed by most of the other Crystal Gems, the Boys, the Diamonds, and their other allies. Steven slid to a stop, thoroughly confused and shocked.

"Mom?!" He took another step forward. "That's impossible, and confusing. If I have your Gem how can you be—?!"

"That's not Rose Quartz," Garnet growled. "It's an imposter."

Rose crossed her arms and smirked. "You guys are fast," she said. "I thought we were aboot to get away cleanly, but it looks like we weren't fast enough."

Steven gasped. "'Aboot'...?" he muttered. "You're Canadian!"

Rose blinked—suddenly, her sparkling pupils were replaced with little beady eyes, and her head began to flap as she spoke. "Verrrry clever, friend. It looks like you inherited your mother's observational skills." Suddenly, she was surrounded in a bright glow, the Gemstone on her navel sparkled, and her form began to change. Her face simplified, her hair became shorter and curlier, her arms and legs changed from their organic shapes into simple geometric shaped, and a beard began to form on her chin. It was now apparent that this was no ordinary Gem.

This was another hybrid, much like Steven. He retrieved square-framed glasses from his pocket and placed them on his face. He was…

"...Seth Rogen?" Kyle said flatly.

"Dude, what the hell?" Stan asked. "Are you serious right now?"

Steven blinked. "Wh… what?"

"What, did you think you were the only one, buddy?" Rogen asked. "Your Rose wasn't the only one who realized she could create new life. My mother, Canadian Rose Quartz, was banished from the Crystal Gems many thousands of years ago after she questioned your mother's methods and threatened a mutiny after she shattered Pink Diamond. In that time, she and her followers, Granite, Citrine, and Canadian Pearl, went into hiding to escape the wrath of the Crystal Gems. But then they found us, and they destroyed the place we called home, under Pearl's orders.

"When Garnet and Amethyst defected, we thought that, maybe, we could be united once again to defeat our mutual enemy, Pearl," Rogen continued, before glaring at Steven and Stan. "But then you assholes activated the Kindergarten and teamed up with Homeworld. We realized that all of you had been… corrupted, for lack of a better term. But what was it that corrupted you?"

Rogen paced the area. "After much internal debate, I found my answer. It was this," he said as he gestured to one of the many United States flags that circled the monument. "The so-called 'land of the free' and the 'home of the brave'. The nation that calls itself a nation of immigrants while also separating those immigrant families at the border, locking their kids in cages. The nation where God and guns are worshipped in the same households, where the right to own a gun takes priority over many lives it could take, where a woman's body is not her own. This nation corrupts all who set foot in it. It is for this reason that we've decided that the only way to save this planet… is to destroy the United States."

"'We'?" Stan asked.

Rogen slowly raised his left hand. Mitch Conner was there. "Boy, you sure do ask a lot of questions," he said.

"Mitch Conner, you backstabber!" Peridot yelled.

"Do you really think you're any better than Rose Quartz?!" Kyle asked. "Your split with her was over Pink Diamond's shattering. You're talking about ending MILLIONS of innocent lives."

"Is any American truly innocent, friend?" Rogen asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, you psychotic asshole!" Kyle exclaimed. "Fucking listen to yourself, you xenophobic piece of shit!"

Rogen shrugged. "Maybe so. But it was my mother who disagreed with Rose Quartz's methods." He turned his back on the many enemies he'd just made. "And I am not my mother." He slowly opened the briefcase, and retrieved a key from his pocket. "Do you know what this is?"

"Where did you get that key?!" Pink Diamond asked.

Craig sighed. "That was us. Pearl dropped the key in the hallways after the alien ship crashed and we picked it up."

"Wow, Craig, you really screwed the pooch on this one," Cartman chastised Craig. "This is why nobody likes you." This earned him a glare from both Tweek and Craig.

Rogen chuckled. "Bickering til the end. I like that." He inserted the key into the slot and turned it.

"BUT, he doesn't know the launch codes," Tweek pointed out. "We didn't give him those."

"Well, let's see here, Pearl was the President," Rogen muttered. "That means the code is LIKELY of some importance to her. How about… 08142002."

Pink gasped. "That's Steven's birthday!" This earned her a weird look from the Crystal Gems.

"How do you know that?" Steven asked.

"Uh, Hell stuff, I see all, I know all."

Rogen just needed one more detail. "As for the location… how about THESE coordinates! 38 degrees north, 75 degrees west."

Garnet instantly recognized those coordinates. "That's Beach City! Don't press that button!"

Seth pressed the button, and grinned. "Too late."

"Wow, you guys are FUCKED!" Saddam exclaimed. "I'm getting all hot just thinking about it! Hey Seth, let's fuck!"

Rogen nodded. "Gladly. See you around, Crystal Gems!" He and Saddam then turned around and ran—Saddam smacked Seth's ass as they ran.

"We have to stop him!" Steven exclaimed. He started to run after Seth and Saddam, but Stan stopped him.

"It's too late now, he's not our problem," he said. "We have to stop that nuke!"

"How are we supposed to do that?" Peridot asked. "He already initiated the launch!"

"For a target that close, they aren't going to use missiles," Stan explained. "They're going to use a smaller bomb. That means they're loading it onto a plane right now, if we hurry we can stop them in time!"

"Quickly!" Garnet commanded. "To the closest Air Force base!"

Stan looked up at the Diamonds. "Yeah, WE'LL go stop the bomb. You guys stay here and kick Seth Rogen's ass."

"Are we really taking orders from an Earth child?" Yellow asked, an eyebrow raised.

"To save Homeworld? Yes. Yes we are," Pink replied. "Remember, if we screw this up, it's not just Earth on the line. There is absolutely nothing stopping a portal to Hell from opening on or near Homeworld."

"Oh, alright, let's make this quick."

The team split up; The Diamonds went after Seth and Saddam, while the Crystal Gems and their allies made their way to the closest Air Force base. As soon as the Crystal Gems left, Randy arrived. "Stan? Stan, are you here?"

Yellow Diamond glared down at Randy. "Stanley Marsh has departed already. He and the others are making their way to a base just outside the district as we speak."

Randy, seemingly unfazed by the fact that he was speaking to the Great Diamond Authority, just stomped his foot. "Jesus Christ, Stan, can't you stay in one place for more than three seconds? Fucking kid…"

* * *

General Revaur sat in his office at Joint Base Anacostia-Bolling, having just arrived from Cuba. As he sipped on a cup of coffee, awaiting the go-ahead for a ceasefire with the Canadians, an official from the Department of Defense entered the room. "General Revaur, we've received new orders from the Pentagon."

"I AM the Pentagon!" Revaur protested. "...what do they want?"

"The Football has been activated, and the coordinates pertain to a small resort town on the Delmarva coast."

Revaur spit out his coffee. "Jesus Christ, the new President's insane!" He stood up. "Well, let's go load the plane."

The DOD official held a hand up in protest. "W-Wait a second, sir," he said. "Don't you want to, you know, follow up on that? Make sure it's ACTUALLY the President who wants us to do this, and not some rando who got their hands on the Football?"

"Well, they had the key and the launch codes, that's good enough, isn't it?"

"And you have no qualms about what we're about to do?"

Revaur rolled his eyes. "Soldier, need I remind you that there are ABSOLUTELY NO SAFEGUARDS AGAINST THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DECIDING TO LAUNCH A NUCLEAR STRIKE WHATSOEVER?"

The official nodded. "Ah, yes. **NOBODY ON THE CHAIN OF COMMAND BETWEEN THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE AND THE WHITE HOUSE HAS THE AUTHORITY TO OVERRIDE A PRESIDENT'S DECISION TO LAUNCH A NUCLEAR STRIKE, EVEN IF THE PRESIDENT IS CLEARLY NOT ACTING IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE UNITED STATES**. How could I forget?"

Revaur motioned to the door. "Come on, we have a lot of innocent civilians to kill."

* * *

Team A approached the base. A large B-52 Stratofortress (or the Big Ugly Fat Fucker, as it is actually informally referred to in real life, look it up, that's real), sat on the runway. Several servicemen attended the plane to make sure it was prepared for flight. As it was the same plane used to bomb Canada last year, it was already fully equipped and operational—all they needed to do was load the bomb into the cargo bay.

Speaking of which, they were doing that now. A large, old-timey gravity bomb was being wheeled to the plane on a large cart. One of the crew looked over at his friend. "Geez, can you believe we still HAVE these things lying around?"

The other one shrugged. "Yeah, I heard this one was built in the 50s. It's so old, it'll probably blow at the slightest—" The cart hit a rock, and the bomb fell to the ground, landing with a loud THUD.

"Jesus Christ!" the first crew member exclaimed. "Be careful with that, dipshit! You'll blow the entire district up!"

"Sorry, sorry, just help me get it back onto the cart."

Watching from behind cover, Peridot narrowed her eyes. "That's not how nuclear bombs work," she muttered. "The atoms are separated by a solid material, they won't combine until they need to."

"How do you know all of that?" Steven asked.

"One of the odd jobs I did on Homeworld involved disposing of old hydrogen bombs," she explained. "We switched to neutrino bombs in the second era so—"

"Holy _shit,"_ Stan muttered. "You guys are fucking insane."

"Hey, work is work, okay? I had to pay the bills somehow. Look, the point is that until they arm the bomb, it's safe to destroy," Peridot said, rolling her eyes. "And even then, they'd have to burn the tritium and activate the x-ray emitter inside to compress the hydrogen."

"Hehe, hehehe," Kenny laughed. "Tit."

"That's not what I said, Kenny."

"Look, can we stop arguing about it and just go stop them?" Stan asked.

"We'll likely be shot on-site," Peridot said. "We need to wait until—Wait, wait, everyone shut up!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look over there!"

The group looked to where Peridot pointed—the rest of the Canadian Gems were standing near the plane, observing as it was loaded. "The Canadian Gems, those assholes!" Cartman exclaimed. "They're guarding the plane!"

"So why don't we march in there and kick their asses?" Wendy asked. "Bismuth's the Acting President, now. They're not going to shoot at HER."

"I'm with the girl," Bismuth nodded, standing up as she did so. "It's now or never."

The group approached General Revaur. "Ms. Vice President!" the General greeted. "And you brought kids with you. I hate kids."

"Up yours, asshole," Stan retorted.

"That's Ms. President, to you," Bismuth said, ignoring Stan. "Pearl's been… incapacitated. I've taken over her duties for the time being, and I need you to cancel this launch."

Meanwhile, Lapis and Chef snuck onto the base as well, simply to make sure the Crystal Gems succeeded on their mission. They hid behind a bush and observed the exchange. "This is getting pretty intense!" Chef whispered.

"I've got a bad feeling about this…" Lapis muttered. "This all seems too… easy. I think they're walking into a trap."

"Aw, shit."

General Revaur hummed. "Are you saying it wasn't you who ordered the strike?"

Bismuth shook her head. "No, somebody else got their hands on the football."

"Well can I talk to THAT person?"

"...what?"

"Only the person who ordered the launch can have it canceled."

Kyle glared at the general. "Are you serious?!" he groaned.

"Look, that bomb's set to get dropped on Beach City," Bismuth explained. "That was CLEARLY a terrorist move."

Revaur shrugged. "Well, unless you can get that terrorist to tell me to stop the launch, you're gonna have a lot of vaporized beachgoers on your hands." He then walked away, as this was no longer his problem.

Garnet hummed. "Hmm. He doesn't seem to care very much about his job."

"Alright, screw this, let's just go over there and beat up whoever's flying the plane," Stan said. He led the group closer to the plane, where they were instantly spotted by the Canadian Crystal Gems.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing, buddy?!" Canadian Pearl asked. Granite and Citrine assumed battle stances as the Crystal Gems approached them.

"No, what do you think YOU'RE doing?!" Amethyst asked. "You're bombing Beach City? Do you think that makes you ANY better than Pearl or Rose?"

"You assholes teamed up with Homeworld, guy!" Citrine pointed out. "That's ultimate bad guy shit!"

"That wasn't THEM!" Stan defended. "That was me. All me."

"And I suppose you're ALSO the one who authorized the activation of the Canadian Kindergarten?" Granite asked.

"Oh, well, no, that was them."

"Gee, thanks, Stan," Peridot said sarcastically.

"Well I'm not gonna LIE to them!" Stan argued. "You guys broke the Earth and I brought the alien invaders, it was a 50/50 contribution."

"None of that MATTERS!" Steven tried to quell the argument. He turned to the Canadian Gems. "Look, we ALL did what we thought we had to do. That doesn't make any of it right, but… is it really any different from what you guys are doing right now? Two wrongs don't make a right. A-and we already made two wrongs, so I think making a third wrong is just gonna make things worse."

Canadian Pearl summoned a sword from her Gem. "Enough talk! We're not aboot to be lectured on right and wrong from Homeworld loyalists! The United States of America isn't the land of opportunity! It's the land of corruption, and the only way to maintain peace and love on planet Earth is for us to destroy the problem at its source! Starting with YOU!"

She ran towards Steven. Steven summoned his shield, and blocked the attack. Amethyst retrieved her whip, and grabbed the sword from Canadian Pearl's hands. Connie leapt as high as she could and caught the sword in mid-air, and followed this up by attempting to poof Canadian Pearl with her own weapon as soon as she landed. She slashed. Canadian Pearl dodged. Citrine stepped forward, grabbed Connie, and tossed her aside; Steven's eyes widened.

"Connie!" he yelled out, letting his guard down. This gave Canadian Pearl the opening she needed. She moved on him, grabbing her sword on the way, and smacked Steven with the blunt end, busting his lip and causing him to fall over. As he did so, he dropped his shield, which rolled away.

"Steven!" Garnet, Amethyst, Peridot, and Connie all shouted in unison. But none of them fuckin' did anything, they never do, what's up with that?

Stan stared at the shield, which landed just a few feet from him, but for some reason, had yet to disappear, as it normally did when Steven was separated from it. Realizing that he needed to act, Stan ran for the shield, and grabbed it.

Granite encased Garnet, Amethyst, and Bismuth's feet in stone, hindering their movement. Citrine retrieved what appeared to be a bolas and tossed it at Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Wendy, and Peridot. As it wrapped around them, entangling them, the rock slammed into Kenny's balls, causing him to double over in pain.

"Agh, fuck!" Kenny yelled as he covered his balls and knelt, barely able to see past his tears.

"Nngh! Oh my stars!" Peridot exclaimed, struggling against her restraints. "She killed Kenny's chances at ever reproducing!"

"Agh, you bastard!" Kyle yelled, also trying to break free.

"Oh, jeez, fellas, I think that's the least of our worries!" Butters said, staring wide-eyed at Steven, who was still lying on the floor. Steven looked up. Canadian Pearl stood over him.

"H-hey, let's talk about this, buddy…" Steven said as he laughed nervously.

"I'm not your buddy, friend," Canadian Pearl said darkly. She raised her sword, the sunlight reflecting a glint into Steven's eye.

"Ah, shit," Steven muttered.

"Steven, language," Garnet chastised.

"He's about to die, you're seriously getting on him about swearing?" Kyle asked, glaring at Garnet.

"No he's not," Garnet replied, smirking.

Canadian Pearl swung the sword down, causing Steven to flinch. Just then, Stan jumped in front of Steven, holding the shield in front of them. This made Canadian Pearl very angry.

"Hey, knock it off, guy!" she yelled as she slammed the shield. "I'm just going to kill both of you, now!" She swung the sword down two more times, causing the shield to crack. On the third swing, it shattered, and she raised the sword one more time… before dropping it in shock.

"Dude," Cartman said, pretty shocked himself. "What."

"The," Kyle continued.

"Fuck." Kenny finished.

Only one boy was standing where Steven and Stan were.


	26. Chapter 25: Dead Gems

**A/N: Sorry for the EXCRUCIATINGLY long wait. I've never written a story this long before (pretty sure it's longer than some of the fuckin Harry Potter novels) and I think this story got too big for its own good. The second half isn't nearly as good as the first half was. That bummed me out a bit and I was seriously burned out on writing-the same thing happened with my previous story, pretty sure there's a connection there. If I do another story, it'll be a simpler, lighter premise, like Shattered Memberries. Less complication, less chances to fuck up.**

* * *

Stan sat up. Something wasn't right. He wasn't in D.C. anymore. He looked around. "Dude, what the hell?" Standing up, Stan observed his surroundings. He appeared to be in some sort of an endless, white void. There wasn't anything around him, besides the floor beneath his feet, which was slightly less darker. "Hello?" he called out. His voice didn't echo, even a little bit—it was like there was nothing for the sound to bounce from. "Kyle?" he continued to call out. "Cartman? Butters, is anyone there? Dad? Peridot, Garnet, ANYBODY? Am I dead again, or what?"

With no other ideas, Stan simply began walking through the void. For a while, he saw absolutely nothing. Eventually, however, he began to hear music. A slow, foreboding baseline could be heard through the void. Eventually, it was joined by a somewhat familiar singer, who sang in a low voice.

" _I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time."_

"Who's there?" Stan asked, looking around. "Is someone there? Do you know where we are?"

Two more voices joined in—they sounded like…

" _Friendly faces everywhere. Humble folks without temptation."_

"What the fuck is going on?" Stan asked nobody in particular. That was HIS voice. He turned around. He gasped.

Somehow, he could see his own memories, projected into the void.

" _Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind."_

Cartman's anal probe, the Underpants Gnomes, fourth grade, the Chilli Con Carnival, Jared's aides, Jimmy and Timmy's cripple gang, Muhammad on Family Guy, the Stick of Truth, holograms and ads, Member Berries, Coon and Friends, all of these memories suddenly visualized themselves as Cartman appeared.

" _Ample parking day or night,"_ he sang in a somewhat creepy tone. " _People spouting 'howdy neighbor.'"_

"Cartman, what the hell's going on?!" Stan asked—but Cartman disappeared, and was replaced with who Stan presumed to be the singer. "Who the hell are you?!"

" _Heading' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind."_ The man was replaced with an apparition of Kenny, who sang a line that was completely inaudible. Stan gasped—behind the hooded boy, dozens of horrifying images of Kenny dying horrible, gruesome deaths suddenly appeared. Stan screamed, and ran in the other direction—past a crowd of hundreds of people he'd met over the years.

" _So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine._ "

Still screaming, Stan ran as far away as he could—which wasn't actually very far, as he'd bumped into Steven on the way.

"Whoa, hey, slow down!" Steven chuckled.

"Stay away from me, you effin' psycho!" Stan yelled, backing away.

"Stan, relax!" Steven tried to reassure his friend. "They're not real, none of that was real. I'm real, it's okay."

"How do I know you're not another one of THEM!"

"Stan, like I said, 'they' don't exist," Steven said. "It was all in your head. Or… my head. Our combined head."

"The fuck's going on, here?! What the hell WERE those things?"

"This is gonna be… sort of hard to explain," Steven sighed. "Um—"

"Wait— 'our combined head'," Stan mulled it over. He gasped. "Did we… fuse?!"

"Oh. I guess it wasn't that hard to explain."

"How the fuck is that even possible?!" Stan asked, clutching his head as he panicked. "I'm not a Gem! That's not fucking possible!"

"See… I can sort of fuse with humans AND Gems," Steven explained. "I've done it with Connie before, too. If I have a really strong bond with someone I can do it."

Stan stopped panicking. His eyes widened. "And we're brothers! That's it! That's what happened!"

Steven hummed. "Huh, you think that we have some kind of brotherly bond as guys? I guess that makes sense."

"No, Steven. We're LITERALLY brothers. Related by blood."

Steven gave Stan a weird look. "Uh, Stan, I don't think you thought that through."

"No, I DID." Stan said, shaking his head. "Think about it. My dad had sex with your mom sixteen years ago. Around the same time, Greg got her pregnant. OR DID HE?" Stan paced the white, featureless floor. "I think it was my dad. We're half-brothers."

Steven looked more than a little disturbed. "You know, that makes sense, but I kind of don't want to believe it."

"Why not?"

"Because then my dad isn't my dad!" Steven said, worried. "My entire life up until now has been based on lies!"

"Wasn't your entire life until now ALREADY based on lies?"

Steven thought about it for a second. "Huh, oh, yeah, I guess it was, wasn't it? But this is DIFFERENT! My dad is the one person in my life who HASN'T lied to me every day for the last 15 years."

"And he still hasn't," Stan reasoned. "Greg knows less than you do. He probably didn't even know that Pink— uh, I mean, that Rose Quartz was seeing my dad. Besides, he's still the one who RAISED you. He's still your DAD, it's just… you know."

"What?"

"Now you've also got me. Your brother, back in South Park."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm not saying ANYTHING," Stan groaned, frustrated that this was taking so long. "I'm just telling you the facts, and the fact is that you're family. And you know what family does in South Park? We team up to kick the bad guy's ass.

"So what do you say, Steven?" Stan said, stepping forward with a determined grin on his face. "Are you ready to kick some ass?"

Despite all of the uncertainties that had now invaded Steven's thoughts, he found himself smiling, because he was certain of one thing; whether or not they were related by blood, Stan's actions over the last few days proved that he was a Crystal Gem. And that made him family.

No matter what.

"Kickass," Steven muttered as he and Stan were suddenly returned to reality.

* * *

"Dude," Cartman said, shocked. "What."

"The," Kyle continued.

"Fuck." Kenny finished.

Only one boy was standing where Steven and Stan were. You could call him "Stanven", or "Stevan", or perhaps even "Unimarsh", but if you were to ask Stan (and, later, Wendy did), he would tell you that those names are all pretty gay. So we'll just call him "the Crossover" for now.

The Crossover smirked as he tackled Canadian Pearl, who was stunned in shock. "Nice to meet you!" The Fusion greeted her. "Hey, I'm sure you'll get a KICK out of this!" he said as he suddenly spun around Canadian Pearl and kicked her into Citrine and Granite. This caused Granite to release Garnet, Amethyst, and Bismuth.

Bismuth grinned and started to move towards the battle, but Garnet stopped her. "No," Garnet said. "I want to see what he can do."

"But what if they get hurt?!" Bismuth asked.

"They won't."

"Can somebody explain to me what the FUCK is going on?!" Kyle asked. Connie, who was recovering from her earlier fall, ran past him and, with Kenny's help, tried to help untie the bolas that was restraining the others.

"It looks like Stan and Steven fused," she explained. "Their souls merged and their bodies became one, and they're stronger now as a result."

Butters smiled. "Aw, that's nice!" He appeared to be the only one who thought so; Kyle and Cartman both vomited once they realized what was going on—Wendy and Kenny both looked disgusted as well, but held their stomachs.

Most surprisingly, Peridot also looked somewhat disturbed, possibly due in part to her somewhat warped view of fusion (even having done it herself, she felt "wrong" doing so), and also because she hasn't seen two humans fuse before (besides Steven and Connie, who probably fused half a million times during Hessonite's invasion because Stevonnie was "too OP" and "needed to be nerfed").

"You guys don't look too happy to see me!" the Crossover joked—he knew how weird this probably was for everyone watching.

"Stan, what the fuck?!" Kyle asked. "This is really weird, even for South Park!"

The Crossover pinched his nose bridge. "Aw, come on, you guys are the ones making it weird.

"Hey, we can do introductions later!" Amethyst shouted, hyping up the Crossover. "Why don't you kick some Canadian ass already?"

"Gladly," the Crossover said, turning around to face his opponents.

* * *

Randy followed the Diamonds as they chased after Saddam Hussein and Seth Rogen, a situation that would probably get itself posted on the Twitter account. Feeling that he deserved to know the truth, Pink explained her true identity to Randy.

He remained silent for the entire explanation, which was unlike him. Ordinarily—at least, as Pink remembered him, sixteen years ago—he couldn't keep his mouth shut. It was endearing, but at a time like this, it would've been annoying, so she was thankful for his silence in this particular instance.

Finally, once the explanation was finished, Randy replied with "Wow. That's pretty fucked up."

Yellow rolled her eyes. "Yes, Pink's theatrics caught us all by surprise."

Randy shook his head. "Whatever, that's not important right now. Rose. My son thinks I'm Steven Universe's father!"

Pink raised an eyebrow. "Well that's ridiculous, how does he think Gem reproduction works?"

"It DOESN'T work," Yellow reminded her. "Whatever you did completely goes against our biology."

"I need you to come help me explain what really happened to him," Randy pleaded. "My kid won't get off my fuckin' back about it and I am NOT about to pay that fat little shit's child support."

Though a bit perturbed by his wording, Pink nodded. "Yes, I believe EVERYONE deserves the truth after this."

"So where are these bastards anyway?" Randy asked. "For an all-knowing authority of alien overlords, you guys sure are clueless." This earned him a glare from Yellow and Blue, which prompted a nervous laugh from Pink.

"Haha, uh, just ignore him, he's just making fun," she reasoned.

"You know that fun was outlawed after the Giggle Riots in the first era," Yellow scolded.

"Hey, is that them?" Randy asked, pointing out Seth and Saddam, who were just ahead and about to board a helicopter.

"Oh motherfucker!" Saddam exclaimed. "You assholes are determined!"

"We followed you like five feet," Randy pointed out. "Also, aren't you dead?"

"He will be in a moment," Yellow said, rolling her eyes. She pointed a finger at Saddam and Seth, and lightning shot out at them. Saddam countered by conjuring his own lightning, which was evenly matched with Yellow Diamond's. Randy raised an eyebrow.

"The fuck? Since when could Saddam Hussein, former dictator of Iraq, shoot lightning out of his hands?" he asked.

"Since about 1999," Pink replied rather casually. "Guess I should have mentioned that."

"Is anyone going to help me?" Yellow asked in a somewhat irritated manner, still shooting lightning from her fingertips.

"Well what's SHE gonna do?" Randy asked, gesturing to Blue Diamond. "Does SHE have any powers?"

"Depression," Pink quipped.

"Yes, you're hilarious!" Yellow snapped, taking her attention from Saddam. "Instead of just standing here, help me!" Suddenly, she was struck by Saddam's lightning, and for possibly the first time ever, a Diamond was poofed, shocking Pink, Blue, and Randy.

"Yellow!" Blue yelled.

"Holy shit, this guy's serious!" Randy exclaimed.

Pink adopted a combat stance. "Ugh, this would be a really good time to have my sword. And my Lion. And my Gemstone."

"Do you need those things?" Randy asked.

"Well, I can't kill Saddam, have my Lion kill Saddam, or use any of my powers without them. I'm pretty much useless."

"Pink, your strengths were always in your ability to think independently of the other Diamonds!" Blue encouraged. "This is the only time I'm ever going to suggest this. You need. To think. Independently. Okay? Only that big, beautiful brain of yours is going to save the day."

"I thought Gems didn't have brains," Randy said, confused. "Or organs."

Blue simply stared at Randy. "Forgive me for judging, Pink, but your taste in partners is a bit—"

"Oh, I know."

Randy glared. "Hey, I am VERY smart! Okay? I'm a geologist. Gee-aww-loh-just. Do you know what that means? It means I know more about you bitches than you do!"

"He was kicked out of college for doing Cock Magic," Pink muttered, to which Blue nodded.

"He certainly seems the sort. What's 'college'?"

"Hey, you know, Rose, I know you think you're the most god damn important woman on the planet, but you aren't!" Randy scolded. "Just so you know, in South Park, I deal with this kind of shit all the time. And we DON'T need your stupid-ass Gem magic to fix it."

"It isn't magic."

"Bullshit it's not magic!" Randy exclaimed. "Do you know WHY I left Beach City in the first place?"

"Because the townspeople kicked you out?"

"Because of your self-important bullshit! I was sick of it!" Randy paced the area. Saddam and Seth, entertained by the argument, just watched. "You know, I never got to say this to you, but you're kind of a bitch, Rose! You didn't care about me. You didn't care about Pearl. You sure as hell didn't care about Greg—"

"Randy, I cared about each and every one of you," Pink denied.

"No you didn't!" Randy yelled. "You cared about making YOURSELF feel good, with sex, and fusion, and by making everyone 'happy' so that you could feel like you did a good job! Well we weren't happy with you, Rose! And you know what else?"

"What?"

"...we just killed Saddam Hussein without your help."

Pink's eyes widened. "What?"

"AAARRGGGH!" Somebody suddenly shouted from behind Saddam.

"Hey, hey, whoa!" Saddam yelled as he was tackled to the ground. "What the fuck, guy?!"

Mr. Garrison grinned hungrily as he stared down at Saddam. "Gonna insert yourself into American wars, eh, Saddam? Well how about I 'insert' something of mine into something of yours?"

"Hey, buddy, can we not?"

Randy, Pink, and Blue watched as Garrison fucked Saddam to death. Randy crossed his arms and smirked—Pink and Blue just looked horrified.

"My word," Blue exclaimed. "That's horrible!"

"Yeah, this is how we do shit back in South Park."

Seth Rogen tried to slip away, but Mr. Garrison grabbed him in a headlock and held him close to Saddam. "Nope, nice try. You're not going anywhere, you beady-eyed canuck. You're NEXT."

"Oh, Jesus Christ."

"Get off of me!" Saddam pleaded.

"Oh, I'll get off, alright," Garrison laughed as he continued to fuck the Iraqi dictator to death. I'm not gonna give you all of the details, but god DAMN was Mr. Garrison fucking this dictator like it was nobody's business. He fucked Saddam almost as hard as he fucked America. Saddam was getting the fucking of a lifetime.

And Seth knew he was next.

"Alright, well, we'd better let him finish this up himself," Randy muttered. "Come on. We need to find Stan and his friends."

Pink and Blue reluctantly followed Randy. They couldn't seem to avert their eyes from this fucking…

* * *

Canadian Pearl was tossed into the plane, which shook slightly from the sheer force. "AY! Fuck you, buddy!" she shouted. She summoned another sword, and ran towards the Crossover, who grabbed the blade with his bare hands. He swung the sword around, not caring that he was slicing his own palms in the process. Canadian Pearl let go of the hilt, and was flung into Granite and Citrine, toppling all three of them.

"You know, I never thought I'd see Steven doing something so… athletic," Peridot commented.

"How come?" Cartman asked.

"Well, because he's so… you know, he's heavy."

"Aw, he's not fat, he's just big boned," Cartman replied. "Just like me."

"...sure, Eric." Using her ferrokinesis, Peridot raised Rose Quartz's sword. "Time to finish the job!" She swung at Citrine, who was just barely getting up from the fall she'd taken. She was poofed, and Peridot immediately bubbled her Gem. "Hey, two in one day! That's pretty good!"

"One of those two was Pearl," Connie reminded her.

"And Pearl fought a VERY good fight!"

Granite tried to run at the Crossover—but she was stopped by Garnet, who punched her face so hard that she, too, was poofed. Garnet bubbled this one as well. "Make that three."

Canadian Pearl appeared to be very injured, and leaned up against the plane for support. "Agh, fuckin' pricks…" she grunted.

"Well, should we make it four for four?" The Crossover asked her as he approached. "Or you could, you know, give up. You're outnumbered and outmatched."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck…" Canadian Pearl muttered. "Fuck! Fucking cunts, all of you!"

"Um, excuse me, YOU'RE the one who wants to nuke Beach City!" Connie complained.

"Yeah, you really don't have any moral high ground," Wendy nodded.

"Of course we do! YOU'RE all Americans! Nobody CARES if you get wiped off the map!" Canadian Pearl barked back.

Suddenly, a US Air Force pilot climbed down the plane's stairs and glared at everyone outside. "Hey, hey, what the hell's going on here?" he asked. "We're getting ready to drop a radioactive city-destroyer here."

Canadian Pearl groaned. "Fuck this," she muttered as she summoned another sword and stabbed the man through the abdomen.

"AGH! AHH!" the man grunted in a very Trey Parker-like stock grunt. He coughed blood as he collapsed.

"Jesus Christ, dude!" Kyle yelled.

Canadian Pearl stole the man's sidearm off of his corpse and immediately shot it at the Crossover, who instinctively summoned Steven's bubble. The bullet ricocheted off the shield, and went straight through Kenny's forehead, splattering his brain matter on Connie and Wendy and killing him instantly.

The Crossover turned and gasped. "Oh my god!" he yelled. "We killed Kenny!" The shock was too much. He began to glow, and his components, Steven and Stan, fell apart from each other. "We're bastards!" Steven scolded himself.

Kyle glared at Steven. "Hey, maybe leave that part to me, huh?"

Canadian Pearl used the distraction to fire one more shot at Steven, which caught him in the shoulder. "AGH! Not again!" he yelled as he grasped his shoulder, which was already bleeding. "Do you know how much this hurts?!"

"Sayonara, fuckers," Canadian Pearl chuckled as she ran into the plane. Once she reached the cockpit, the co-pilot stared at her.

"Hey, you can't just— AGH!" he yelled as he caught a bullet in the forehead, killing him. Canadian Pearl yanked him out of his seat and took the controls, and the plane began to take off. It was picking up speed rapidly—soon it would be too late.

"No!" Steven shouted as Connie bandaged up his shoulder. "She's getting away!"

Peridot glared at the plane. "Oh, no she's not!" She grabbed Rose's sword and ran towards the plane.

Garnet immediately saw a million different problems with this. "Peridot, no!"

"Too late, already running!" Peridot's small size meant she could run pretty fast, and she managed to catch up with the plane—although it was picking up speed. She needed to do something before it took off. Using the sword, she broke the latch on the cargo door, causing it to come open. Then, she jumped into the plane, which promptly took off.

* * *

Peridot lay on the floor of the plane's cargo bay. She clutched her head, groaning. "Ow… bad idea…" She sat up and stared out the door. Clouds. She was in the sky now, no doubt on the way back to Beach City. She hadn't been back there in months… but now wasn't the time to reminisce. She needed to get to the cockpit.

Standing up, she started walking towards the front of the plane, stopping only to stare at what appeared to be a very large bomb, which sat on a large set of doors. "Holy smokes…" she muttered. "This must be the nuke. It's huge…" She had to stop it. Peridot ran to the front of the cargo bay, where she found a tall ladder. "So here I am, about to save the world from a dangerous weapon that should never have been invented. AGAIN. First the cluster, then the Member Berries, then Puerto Rican nationalism, now this. Earth needs to get it together."

Finally, she reached the top of the ladder. She glared at Canadian Pearl, before glancing around the rest of the room. Her eyes came to rest on the deceased American Air Force pilot. "Holy smokes!" she shouted involuntarily. This drew Canadian Pearl's attention.

"What the—?! How did you get up here, friend?!" she shouted.

"Doesn't matter, I'm gonna stop you, clod!" Peridot replied.

"I'm not your buddy, gu- wait, what did you call me?" Peridot jumped and punched Canadian Pearl in the face. Then, she levitated the sword, which embedded itself into the console as Canadian Pearl dodged. "Hah! Missed, guy!" Peridot punched her in the face once again. "Ow! Fuck y- Ow!" she shouted as she was punched once more. A third punch was reversed, and Peridot herself was punched.

"Damn it!" Peridot groaned. "Argh!" she shouted as she tackled Canadian Pearl to the ground.

"I'm not your enemy!" Canadian Pearl yelled. "You're on Canada's side!"

"You're trying to NUKE my home!" Peridot yelled. "You're objectively my enemy, I don't care if you're Canadian! This isn't about nationalism anymore, this is about you trying to kill MILLIONS!"

"Those millions of Americans all sponsored Lapis Lazuli's murder!"

Peridot stepped back, offended that Lapis's name was used against her. "What?"

"We ALL saw Lapis get killed! The Americans in Beach City let it happen!"

"Go to Hell," Peridot muttered. She grabbed the sword from the console. "Don't you EVER!" she yelled, thrusting the sword at Pearl, who dodged. "EVER!" Another thrust. "SAY HER NAME! Her murder isn't to be used to your POLITICAL ADVANTAGE!" She punctuated this with a big hack, her eyes closed. Breathing deeply she slowly opened her eyes—then widened them in horror.

Canadian Pearl was tethered to the console by the sword, the blade sitting firmly in her forehead—right where her Gem was. It was cracked, and the crack wasn't getting any better.

"Oh, holy smokes!" Peridot exclaimed, horrified. "I'm sorry! Steven can fix you, we just have to—"

"It's too late," Canadian Pearl coughed out. "You're- you're the worst…" Her physical form disappeared, her shards landing on the console.

"...what have I done?"

"Peridot?" Peridot suddenly heard Kyle's voice on the plane's radio. "Peridot are you there?"

Peridot grabbed the mic. "Yeah, I'm here."

On the other end, Kyle stood with his friends, General Revaur, and the Crystal Gems near an old CB radio. Pearl had reformed by this point, and she joined them in handcuffs. They were also joined by Pink Diamond, Blue Diamond, and Randy. "Is Canadian Pearl there?"

Peridot stared at the shards. "She's… she's dead."

The group gasped. "What?!" Kyle exclaimed. "What the hell happened?!"

"I killed her…" Peridot muttered. "I just… we were fighting, and things got out of hand, and…"

"Peridot!" Peridot suddenly heard a familiar voice. A familiar voice that she hadn't heard in a very long time…

"You're shirting me," Peridot muttered.

Lapis stood next to Kyle. "Actually, Peridot, sweetie, the term is 'you're shitting me'."

"Oh, yeah, Lapis is here now," Kyle said rather nonchalantly.

"Peridot, listen to me. You can't beat yourself up over that cold-blooded murder you just committed. There are bigger things to worry about."

"I don't understand," Peridot said, tears in her eyes. "How am I speaking to you?"

Lapis rolled her eyes. "Through a radio, Peridot, we've been over this, humans have long-distance communication—"

"No! I mean how are YOU here?! You're dead!"

Lapis looked confused. "Oh, yeah, that! So like, the armies of Hell are about to rise up, and since I was in Hell, that means I get to hang out up here for a bit."

Peridot had so many questions. "The armies of Hell? Well that doesn't sound good."

"It's not, it actually sucks major balls," Kyle said. "I've seen it happen once before."

Lapis took over again. "Peridot, listen to me. If that bomb gets dropped, Earth is screwed. Satan and his army will rise up and, like, blow everything up, or something. You have to bring that plane back around so we can disarm the nuke, ASAP. Then we can talk about everything else."

Peridot nodded. "Okay… okay." Peridot sat in the seat, unable to take her eyes off of Canadian Pearl's shards. "Oh, god, you guys… I think I'm going to be sick."

"Don't worry, Peridot," Pearl said through the radio. "You don't have a stomach. You won't vomit."

"I-I KILLED her," Peridot said. "I can't believe I did this."

"Peridot, everything's going to be fine," Steven assured her. "We're going to work through this."

"Yeah dude, people die all the time," Stan said. "Like, half of our teachers died in that big battle in front of the White House."

"Yeah, and kids probably died at that school shooting that happened yesterday back in South Park," Cartman pointed out.

"There was a school shooting in South Park yesterday?" Stan asked. "Man, I'm glad I wasn't there. I could have been shot."

Peridot sighed. "I'm bringing this plane back to the airfield, but after that we need to talk about this."

Randy nodded, and glanced at Pink. "Yes. There's a lot that we all need to talk about."

"Do you even know how to fly a plane?" Kyle asked.

"Of course," Peridot replied, although she didn't elaborate further. In truth, she didn't, but she was really, really good at figuring that shit out on the spot. Suddenly, she noticed three new blips on the radar. "Uh. Are there any other American planes in the sky right now?"

Revaur raised an eyebrow and grabbed the radio from Kyle's hand. "Peridot, this is General Revaur. You shouldn't be seeing other planes, airspace is closed across the entire east coast."

"I'm telling you, there are three other planes in the sky with me right now!" Peridot repeated, panicking slightly.

Back on the ground, Revaur raised his binoculars and looked up into that part of the sky. "Oh my god…"

"What? What is it?" Bismuth asked.

"Those are Canadian bombers," Revaur muttered. "The British or the French must have given them a nuke, and they're on their way here right now!"

"What?!" Pearl exclaimed. "We're supposed to be having a ceasefire right now!"

"So what do I do?!" Peridot asked.

"Peridot, WE'LL handle the Canadians before they drop their payload," Bismuth commanded. "YOU need to get back to ground."

"Okay, okay, got it!" Peridot didn't turn quite yet, however. "...Lapis? Is Lapis still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"...what's going to happen to you when the war ends?"

Lapis glanced at Chef and Pink. Chef sighed.

"I'm sorry, children…" he muttered.

"What?"

"When the war ends… well, we have to go back to Hell."

Pink nodded. "We'll all be sent back, once this is over."

Peridot frowned. "So… so I won't be able to see Lapis again after this. This is my last chance to speak to her."

"It doesn't have to be," another voice suddenly piped up, from within the cockpit. Mitch Conner. He rose up, once again possessing Peridot's left hand. "The final part of the prophecy states that if a Crystal Gem drops a nuke on American soil, the damned will rise up, and Hell on Earth 2018 will begin. You can be with Lapis forever, then."

Peridot thought about it. "That is true… I could do that. ...where's Mr. Hat?"

"Uh, yeah, he's busy."

"...no, he's not. I have him right here," Peridot said as she held up Mr. Hat, whom she'd stolen from Pearl's office. "Tell me, Mitch, why is it that he's suddenly so useless? Is it perhaps because… Mr. Hat never existed in the first place?"

Mitch Conner was speechless. "What."

"You were playing all sides of this war," Peridot realized.

"...no, that— you're wrong."

"Mr. Hat and Mitch Conner are the same dark entity! You've been manipulating the Crystal Gems against each other to get us to destroy the planet!"

"No, no no, you're— that's not kewl, Peridot."

"But if your host is killed, you will be too, correct?"

"NOT KEWL PERIDOT, THAT'S NOT KEWL, STOP TALKING LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW."

"Whoa, whoa, wait wait wait, Peridot, what are you going to do?!" Kyle asked. "Peridot, don't do anything retarded!"

"Yeah, Kyle's right," Steven said. "We'll deal with Mitch Conner when you get down here—"

"It's too dangerous, Steven," Peridot reasoned. "There are too many variables. Three Canadian bombers in US airspace. Mitch Conner on my hand—he'll probably just jump to a new host when I get down there."

"Peridot, stop!" Pearl pleaded. This surprised Peridot the most. "We can't—I can't handle any more death. We'll figure this out, but PLEASE, don't do anything irrational up there."

Peridot sighed. "Pearl… I forgive you."

"Okay, that's great, now come land the plane so we can hug it out!"

"No can do. Steven, I…" She was slightly embarrassed. "...care about you…" she muttered. "You might even say I... love you. Just a little bit."

"Peridot, PLEASE—"

"And Lapis… I love you too. More than Steven, sorry Steven. I'll see you soon."

Lapis's eyes widened. "Peridot, you have your whole life ahead of—" static. Peridot shut off her radio. "Damn it!"

* * *

Back on the plane, Peridot continued her course, which took her towards the Canadian planes. "What do you even expect to do?" Mitch Conner asked, annoyed but also desperate. "It's like you said, there are too many variables. Sacrificing yourself won't do jack."

"Well, there's a low-yield thermonuclear bomb in the plane's cargo bay," Peridot said, leaning back in her seat. "We're high enough in the air that the blast won't negatively impact anyone on the ground, except maybe with an EMP blast, which they can deal with. The Canadians ALSO have bombs on their planes, of what caliber, I have no idea. So, once I'm within striking distance, I'm going to blow this plane up, blow them up, blow you up—"

"And blow yourself up?"

"Yeah, and blow myself up! Every threat in the sky is taken out all at once. Isn't that fantastic!"

"No, it's bullshit!" Mitch Conner exclaimed. "You can't do this! You'll be shot down before you get close!"

"If they're within shooting distance, I'm within explosion distance." As if on cue, several bullets shattered the glass in front of her, one of them passing through her throat. "Agh, crap!" she yelled as she clutched her throat, trying to stop the blood from pouring out. She talked too long. She was gonna poof soon.

On the bright side, she was choking on her own blood, so now it was impossible to speak. She fell out of the seat. _It's now or never,_ she thought as flak riddled her cockpit.

"No, you can't do this!" Mitch yelled.

Peridot crawled to the ladder leading into the cargo bay. Because of her injury, she was disoriented, and promptly fell into the cargo bay. "Agh!" With no time to waste, she crawled to the bomb. If this bomb worked the same way as Homeworld's (outdated) thermonuclear devices, there was a copper core separating the unstable atoms. All she had to do was remove that core, and… boom. She tried to focus on that, and not on the fact that the bullet hole in her throat was making it hard to breathe, or the fact that she's about to die. _Concentrate, Peridot,_ she thought. _Concentrate…_

* * *

On the ground, everyone tried desperately to reach Peridot. "Peridot!" Steven shouted into the radio. "Peridot, come in—"

Suddenly, a bright flash engulfed the sky, causing everyone to avert their eyes. When the flash was gone, everyone stared up at the fireball that had replaced it. Steven's shoulders lowered.

"Peridot… no…" he muttered, distraught but too exhausted to cry anymore.

"Oh my god…" Stan muttered. "They… killed Peridot…"

"You… bastards," Kyle finished, distraught himself.

Lapis sighed, and covered her face with her hand. "Peridot, you idiot… why did you do that?"

Bismuth glared at the fireball. "This is the damn Canadians' fault. I'm ordering a counterattack on-"

"What the fu-?! No!" Kyle yelled, now angry. "Don't you people see that your stupid war on Canada is the REASON Peridot's dead? It's why Lapis died, it's why a bunch of our friends are dead now, and it's why more people are GOING to die! We need to END THIS!"

"Kyle's right," Garnet said. "All of this is our fault. We did this."

"You know what, guys? I think we all learned something today, or we SHOULD have! I'm not so sure you guys have!" Kyle accused. "But I have! Everybody's so fixated on revenge, on an eye for an eye, for false fucking equivalences for shit that you all forgot about! First Steven gets shot, then Lapis fucking DIES, then all of our friends die, and now Peridot's dead, ALL in the name of revenge, and you want MORE REVENGE? You want MORE death? Fuck you!"

"That's right, everyone," Garnet nodded, stepping forward. "What we should focus on now… is healing. And grieving. Not on anger, or hate. Because if we continue on this path, it's only a matter of time before another loved one gets killed. It's over, now. We need to make sure it doesn't start again. Because then Peridot will have died in vain."

Everyone knew that she and Kyle were right. It was time for forgiveness. Tears in her eyes, Pearl knelt down and hugged Steven… as best she could, anyway, as her hands were still cuffed. "I'm so, so sorry, Steven," she muttered. "This is my fault. All of it. There's been so much death and destruction lately, and it's all because of me."

Steven sighed. "I don't want to believe that any of this is real…"

Stan patted Steven on the back. "It's okay, bro. We're going to be fine."

Randy sighed. "Uh, yeah, about that, Stan. Steven Universe… isn't your brother."

Stan rolled his eyes. "Dad, not now."

"It's true," Pink Diamond confirmed. "Your father is telling the truth, Stanley. Just as I need to be more honest."

Stan raised an eyebrow, then glanced at Steven. Did he know yet? "What, y-you mean about the Rose Quartz thing?"

"What about my mom?" Steven asked.

Pink Diamond knelt down to meet Steven's eyes. "Steven… I never thought that I'd be able to see your face. You're just as perfect as I thought you'd be."

"...what?"

Pink nodded, and changed her form. Once again, Rose Quartz stood before everyone. Amethyst, Bismuth, and Garnet gasped.

"That's not possible!" Bismuth exclaimed. "You're…"

Rose turned to stare at her friends. "Yes, I'm afraid it's true. I am Rose Quartz. And I was also Pink Diamond. I know this is confusing, and infuriating for some of you, but… the truth needs to be known." She turned back to face Stan. "Stanley, I'm sorry… I know how much you want this to be true. Steven is not your brother. That fateful night, sixteen years ago, your father refused to consumate. He wished to remain faithful to Sharon. You and Steven aren't related at all."

Steven blinked. "I'm uh… I'm taking in a lot right now."

"So, wait, if Steven and I aren't related, then how were we able to fuse?" Stan asked.

The group fell silent, then Cartman started laughing. Hard. "Hahaha! Hahahaha! You guys! Look! Stan fused with a GUY! Because of an EMOTIONAL BOND! What a fag!"

Cartman was joined in his laughter by Kyle and Butters. Though annoyed, Stan also found it kinda funny, and started laughing too. Then Steven laughed. Soon, the entire group was laughing. Not because Stan was gay, which he insisted he wasn't, but because the sheer juvenile nature of Cartman's joke was really, really funny.

Except Lapis, who wasn't there any longer. Chef noticed her absence. "Hey, where did Lapis go?" he asked.

Rose wiped away a tear as she continued to chuckle. "Not sure. Perhaps she's gone to greet a new arrival."

* * *

Down, down in Satan's realm, where the doomed and cursed dwell, Lapis stood near the entrance, joined by Satan himself as well as Steve. "Are you sure she'll be down here?" Steve asked.

"Oh, I'm sure," Lapis replied, holding up a large sign which read "Ms. 2F5L". "She's not going to the other place, I know that much."

"Here come the new arrivals," Satan announced. A long, long, LONG line of people entered. PC Principal, Mr. Mackey, Lars, the Off-Colors, Aquamarine, Saddam Hussein, Seth Rogen, John McCain, Paul Ryan, all sorts of people. At the back of the line was Peridot, who… was holding a suitcase, for some reason.

"Well, Mr. Senator, that was quite the story," Peridot said, apparently finishing a conversation she'd been having with McCain. "But hey, you'll get into that oval office next time! ...oh, I guess you won't, huh? Anyway, I need to be going, there's somebody waiting for me." Peridot glanced around, and quickly caught the sign. She didn't seem too upset that she was dead. "Aha! Lapis!" She ran towards the group, tossed her suitcase for Satan to catch, and jumped to hug Lapis. "God, I've missed you."

"I've missed you too…" Lapis said. "But Peridot. We need to talk about what you did up there."

"Eeeeh, I'd rather not," Peridot replied, shaking her head. "I know it doesn't look like it, but I am REALLY not thrilled with being dead. But hey, we're together again!"

Lapis glared at Peridot. Her expression softened, however, and she conceded. "Yes, we are together again. I'm glad. I had just hoped it would be the other way around."

Peridot nodded. "Yeah, this is… not ideal. But hey, it could be worse! So! Why don't you show me around?"

Lapis shrugged. "Alright, I guess." She held out her hand, which Peridot gladly grabbed. Kenny arrived and grabbed Lapis's other hand.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" he asked, his voice muffled in his hood as always.

"Oh, hey, Kenny!" Peridot greeted. Then she frowned. "Hey, wait a second, he gets to come back to life later, that's not fair!"

"I don't make the rules," Satan muttered.

Together, Peridot, Kenny, and Lapis walked through the pits of Hell, talking and laughing to their hearts' content. It was the happiest any of them had been in months.

Much happier than anyone on the surface was, anyhow.

* * *

 **A/N: It's not over yet. Epilogue chapter coming soon.**


	27. Chapter 26: Epilogue

It was a quiet Wednesday morning in South Park. The students of South Park Elementary gathered in the lobby to hold a memorial service for the teachers that lost their lives in the final days of the Second Canadian-American War. Photos of PC Principal, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Adler, and a few others the boys didn't know very well adorned the wall. Vice Principal Strong Woman stood behind a podium as she addressed the students. Behind her, her recently-born PC Quintuplets—the results of a sordid affair she'd had with a late coworker—sat in strollers, quietly sleeping. With their father gone, Vice Principal Strong Woman had to bring them everywhere with her, even to work; not that that was a problem, because she was a strong woman, after all.

"Alright everyone, listen up," Strong Woman greeted. "We're here today to honor the lives of our faculty and staff, who were tragically killed in the Battle of the North Portico last week. I know that, as I am a woman, a lot of you are trained by society to think that I'm going to get 'emotional' or 'hysterical' during today's service," she said, tears welling up in her eyes. She took a deep, shallow breath before continuing. "And I just want you all to know… it is PERFECTLY natural, normal, and HEALTHY to be emotional right now. The grim reality of the situation is that none of this had to happen. It's a tragedy, plain and simple, and that's… sad. I'M sad, knowing that my five children are going to grow up without a Principal in their lives. And I'm sure a lot of you all are sad, too. Traumatized, even.

"That's why I've asked our staff HR supervisor, Ms. Conduct, to stay on permanently as our new student guidance counselor. If any of you need to talk to ANYONE about anything that's happened, you can speak to her. Or me. Or each other. We all have to take care of each other, and be there for each other, so that we can continue to rebuild our lives and fix this country."

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sat somewhere towards the middle of the crowd. Cartman sighed. "You know guys, I didn't think all of our teachers dying would be as much of a bummer as it is right now. I thought this would be a happy day."

"Yeah dude, what gives?" Kyle asked. "I have this… this feeling, deep in my chest, like I'm… not happy. I'm the opposite of happy."

"Sad?" Stan suggested.

"Yeah. Sad. It's like… whatever we're going to deal with this week? I don't care about it. I don't care about any of it. I'm too sad to care."

"Is there something wrong with us?" Cartman asked. "Maybe we're getting sick."

"We've BEEN sick, Cartman," Stan lamented. "We've been really, really sick."

* * *

Later in the day, between periods, Kyle made his way to what was Mr. Mackey's office. Instead, Ms. Conduct now occupied it, although the door still had Mackey's name on it. This upset Kyle even more, but he tried to ignore it as he stepped inside. "Ms… Conduct?"

"Oh, yes, you must be Kyle," Ms. Conduct greeted. "Mmmalright, why don't you go ahead and take a seat?"

Kyle nodded, and sat in front of Ms. Conduct. "Thank you for seeing me. I know you're probably really busy."

A somber look came over Ms. Conduct's face as she nodded. "Yes, mmmalright, I am dealing with a lot of students right now, they're all sad, mmmalright, and that's bad, but it's my job to help each and every one of them, mmmalright? Now, what's on your mind?"

Kyle didn't know where to begin, but he did anyway. "I just… I can't sleep at night. I know, the Canadian-American War is over, and things should be going back to normal, but… they aren't. I keep waiting for this… for this snap-back. For a return to status-quo that's never coming." He was quiet for a moment. "I lost friends in the final days of the war. We were all there, at the White House. I saw Mr. Mackey get cut down, I saw PC Principal impaled. Peridot, she's actually more of a friend of a friend, but she died, too. Lapis died way at the beginning, but I saw her die, too. I've just… I've seen so much death over the last few months, I don't… I don't know if I can handle it. When are things going to go back to normal? When can I continue living, without seeing their faces every time I close my eyes?"

The speech disturbed Ms. Conduct. She stared at this traumatized boy, wide-eyed, not knowing what to say. But she did anyway. "Mmmalright, um… do you have any hobbies, Kyle?"

Kyle looked up at her—he'd been staring at his own feet—and raised an eyebrow. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, maybe there's something you could do to, um, forget about everything, mmmalright?"

"But I don't WANT to forget!" Kyle denied, shaking his head. "I want to COPE!"

Ms. Conduct sighed. "Kyle, can I be honest with you? I'm trying to cope myself." This surprised Kyle. Tears welled up in Ms. Conduct's eyes. "I've met with sad student after sad student, and I just… I don't know how to help them. If Mr. Mackey was here, I'm sure he'd know what to do, but he's GONE. He's not coming back. It's so, so hard to deal with, mmmalright?" She broke down into tears and planted her face on the desk. "I can't deal with it!" she sobbed.

Shocked, Kyle stood up and slowly backed out of the office. "Jesus Christ, I'm just gonna go see a therapist or something." He left Ms. Conduct to cry, closing the door behind him.

* * *

After school had finished, Kenny returned home to watch TV. By this point, he was able to drown out his family's arguing behind him. "You drunk piece of shit!" his mother shouted—not at his father, but at his brother, Kevin, who threw an empty bottle in his mother's direction. "Throw that at me again! See what happens!" She got her wish.

Kenny's little sister, Karen, was also able to drown out her family's arguing, and sat close to Kenny, smiling as they watched the news.

"The world breathes a sigh of relief today," the anchorman, Tim Hairpiece, reported, "as the White House confirms that the President signed an official declaration of peace with the Prime Ministers of Canada and Great Britain in Paris earlier today."

The footage cut to a feed from Paris, France, where recently reinstated President Garrison, joined by Vice President Pearl, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, British Prime Minister Theresa May, and French President Emmanuel Macron all gathered together to sign a peace treaty. Delegations from Russia and North Korea, both of whom bizarrely sided with America in the war, were also present. Pearl gave a press conference later as well.

"We're all ecstatic that the world can once again return to peace," Pearl said, with slightly more energy and pep than she had in her few addresses as President. "My only regret is that I allowed this war to go on for far too long. War should never have been my goal, but it was, and for that reason, I will be resigning from the office of Vice President, effective immediately. And may we all hope for the good of the planet that a Crystal Gem never, ever tries to get involved in politics again."

(Decades later, Steven himself, by that point the Governor of Delmarva, would launch a successful bid for President, serving two consecutive full terms from 2053 to 2061. He would be widely regarded by historians as the most popular President since FDR in 2053, 2056, and after his chosen successor had lost election in 2060, and the least popular since Garrison for the rest of the years—especially the midterm years.)

The footage cut back to the newsroom. "In other news, The President is scheduled to meet with White Diamond of the Great Diamond Authority to discuss a peace agreement between the two planets…"

Kenny's attention to the TV was interrupted by a knock at the door. Knowing that nobody else would get it, he got up, leaving his sister to watch the news in blissful ignorance of the chaotic scene behind her. He made his way to the door and opened it. Stan was standing on the other side, his arm in a sling as a result of a gunshot wound he'd suffered at school. He also now wore a "Tegridy Farms" t-shirt to advertise his father's new hemp business.

"Hey, Kenny, can we talk?" he asked.

Kenny was confused. Stan never wanted to talk to him. Nobody did. "Uh, sure," Kenny answered as he closed the door behind him. It was then that he realized that Steven was with Stan. His arm was also in a sling, as a result of the gunshot wound he suffered in the fight with Canadian Pearl. "Oh, hey."

Steven seemed low-energy. It was hard to blame him. "Hey, Kenny," he muttered. Kenny sighed. Steven's been through so much. How would he even cope? Suddenly, Steven pulled out an electronic cigarette and took a puff from it.

Stan raised an eyebrow. "You're vaping, now?"

"I'm really stressed out lately, it's keeping my nerves calm," Steven replied.

"What are you doing back in South Park?" Kenny asked.

"Oh, uh, the Crystal Gems are moving their base to Stan's dad's hemp farm," Steven answered. "He said that we needed more 'tegrity. ...he wasn't wrong."

"Let's go for a walk," Stan said. Kenny was still confused, but he followed Stan and Steven as they walked. "So, listen, I uh… I need to ask you something."

"What's up?"

Stan glanced over at Steven, then back at Kenny. "How are Peridot and Lapis doing?" he asked.

Kenny blinked. "How should I know?" he asked.

Steven sighed. "See? I told you he wouldn't know. How could he know?"

Stan shook his head. "Kenny… I know about your power."

Kenny raised his eyebrows. "My power?"

"Yeah. The one where you can die and then… be not dead, somehow."

Kenny's eyes widened. "What do you mean, 'you know'?"

Steven looked away. "Come on, Stan, that's all make-believe. This whole thing was stupid, let's just go."

Stan held Steven's arm. "Stay."

"Fine."

Stan glared at Kenny. "Come on, Kenny, quit playing dumb. I know about everything."

"What is 'everything'? What do you know?"

Stan tried to find the best way to explain it. "A few months back, during the war, I died, and went to Hell. I saw Lapis there, but she made a wish and I came back to life. Since then I… I noticed some things about you. Like sometimes you would disappear, and then not show up again until the next day. You're not disappearing, Kenny. You're dying."

Kenny was shocked. He really did know. "You… you can remember?"

Stan shook his head. "Not really. It's like… the world still wants me to forget, or something. But I have lingering memories. Shit that SHOULDN'T make sense, but then… it does. I remembered what you told me when Cthulhu was released, a while back, and I put the pieces together. You… really can't die. Except you can. You die, you end up in heaven, or hell, or wherever, and then the next day… you show up again."

Kenny could cry. Finally, someone, anyone believed him. But Steven still didn't buy it.

"Look, I don't know if this is a joke or something, but I don't want to deal with it right now," Steven muttered.

Kenny glared at Steven. "Steven," he said. "Try to remember."

Steven raised an eyebrow. "Remember what?"

Just then, Kenny jumped into the street, and a bus sped by, killing him and splattering Steven and Stan with his blood. Steven stared at where Kenny once was in shock. "... _what did he do that for?!"_ he asked flatly.

Stan nodded. "You're already forgetting what we just saw, aren't you?"

Steven looked confused. "Forgetting? Forgetting what?"

Stan gestured to Kenny's mangled body.

Steven jumped. "Holy smokes! When did that happen?!"

"Just now. I'm forgetting it too. Just try really, really hard to remember, okay?"

Steven stared at Kenny's corpse. "Alright," he said plainly.

* * *

The next day, Kyle skipped school and went to see a therapist instead. As he lay on the sofa, he explained his troubles, and the therapist listened intently, writing things down as he went.

"I just… I want there to be a status-quo again, you know?" Kyle said. "There should have been some kind of a snap-back by now. A return to normalcy. But there hasn't been."

The therapist nodded. "Mhmm. And you believe that, on an ordinary day, this so-called snap-back would have happened?"

"Yeah! It's like… normally, some shit goes down, and we have to deal with it, but then when it's all over, everything's fine. And next week, everything's back to normal. We just move on to the next thing. That hasn't happened yet. It's like… there's suddenly consequence, in a world where there was none." Kyle sat up. "Canada was NUKED last year, and my life was back to normal within weeks!"

The therapist raised an eyebrow. "Was it, though?"

"What do you mean?"

The therapist glanced around the room. What was the best way to put this. "...well… you're dealing, right now, with the aftermath of a deadly, deadly war which has permanently scarred this Earth."

"Yeah?" Kyle was confused. "What's your point?"

"Well, wasn't the nuking of Canada what SET OFF that war? It caused a chain reaction of increasingly disturbing events which eventually led to your friend Steven being shot, which led to the war."

Kyle blinked. "Wait, wait, but— but THAT was set off by Mr. Garrison being elected President." It was starting to click. "And-and- and that was caused by PC Principal firing him, and PC Principal was hired because Cartman pretended to be trans, which he did to get his own bathroom, and he was inspired to do that when Mr. Garrison became a woman, then a man again, and Mr. Garrison was gay for YEARS before that, and—" Kyle gasped. "Oh my god. There's… there's no status quo. There never was any status quo. I've just been turning a blind eye to all of the changes in my life. But now it's impossible to ignore."

The therapist nodded once more. "Perhaps you're seeing things more clearly now."

"I am," Kyle said. "I finally am. Everything makes so much more sense now. Thank you, doctor."

"Any time, Kyle."

Kyle stood up and marched out, ready to take on the new world. He looked out at the people of South Park as they went about their days—their lives were changing, too. One pissed-off looking guy walked past him.

"I can't believe my wife cheated on me!" he grumbled.

"Don't worry," Kyle said. "Your wife's ALWAYS been cheating on you. Don't you feel better now, knowing that the status quo is ALWAYS changing? Change isn't so scary, now!"

The man just glared at Kyle. "Wait, you KNEW about it?! I fucking knew it! She's been sleeping ALL OVER town! I bet she slept with YOU, too!"

Kyle's eyes widened. "What? No, I'm ten! I'm just saying you shouldn't be afraid of—"

The man pulled a gun out of his pocket. "Come with me, kid. You fucked up."

"Jesus Christ!" The man grabbed Kyle and dragged him to his truck, gun pointed at his temple the entire time. "Where are you taking me?!"

"We're going to pay Amy a little visit," the man said as he started his truck. "Tell me, kid. Are you afraid to die?"

"Kind of, yeah!"

"Good." The man drove off, Kyle in tow.

* * *

Back at school, Kenny was eating lunch by himself. He hadn't seen Kyle all day, Cartman was off getting Butters to do something really stupid, and Stan disappeared after third period. Where was everybody?

Well, the Rubies were here, but Kenny didn't really like talking to them. They creeped him out.

Suddenly, the table shook, startling Kenny. He looked up at Stan, who'd slammed the table with his one good arm. Steven slammed the table as well, with his opposite good arm.

"Kenny!" Steven exclaimed. "You died last night."

Kenny dropped his fork. "Oh, shit, you really do remember."

"How did you DO THAT?!" Steven asked. "Is it something Lapis and Peridot can do?! And Lars, and Aquamarine, and all of our other dead friends?!"

Kenny sighed. "We should go somewhere more private…" he muttered, glancing at Navy, who was eavesdropping very rudely.

"Oh!" she gasped. "Don't mind me! I was just listening in on your private conversation! Continue!"

Kenny glared at her and stood up. He took Stan and Steven into the hall. Nobody was here. Good. "Alright," he sighed. "So… how much do you actually remember?"

Steven frowned. "Well, I don't remember you actually dying… but I remember being told that you can cheat death, and then I remember being told I would probably forget, and then… you just disappear from my memories. Like I was actually forgetting."

Kenny nodded. "Okay, I think that's as good as we're gonna get. Stan?"

"Same shit."

"Ok. Well, first, let's get this out of the way." Kenny put a hand on Steven's shoulder. "Steven. I'm so, so sorry about how much you've had to go though lately. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Peridot and Lapis probably aren't coming back. Neither is anyone else."

Steven deflated a little bit. "But… how can you do it?"

Kenny sighed, and turned his back to Steven. "When my mother was pregnant with me, my parents joined the Cult of Cthulhu. Because of that, their son was cursed with incredibly bad luck. I die. Often. I've been stabbed, shot, impaled, electrocuted, bisected, exploded, imploded, crushed, microwaved, you name it." He turned to face Steven and Stan again. "And then, the next morning, I wake up in my bed, as if from some sort of bad dream. But it was all real.

"For years, it left me so depressed. All I could do was die, and die, and die, and let me tell you—dying fucking hurts." Kenny closed his eyes. "I'm sorry, that probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but… that isn't even the worst part. The worst part is that my friends never remembered. Nobody did. I guess you still don't really remember. That was the most painful part, if I'd had somebody else to talk to about it, I think it would have been more bearable, but…"

Steven sniffled. He was crying. "Kenny… that's so… SAD!" He hugged Kenny, who was a little uncomfortable.

"Uh… yeah…" he muttered. "Anyway, last year, when the Member Berries infested Beach City, I was killed searching for the Corrupting Light with Peridot."

Steven backed away and nodded very suddenly. "Uh huh, I remember that. Well, not you dying, but… everything else."

Kenny shrugged. "Well, here's where it gets interesting. PERIDOT remembered. She was unaffected by my curse… for some reason. I think it had something to do with how much time she spent around the Member Berries. I'm not too sure."

Stan put his good finger to his chin. "Peridot remembered… that explains a lot, actually."

"When Lapis was killed, I realized it was because of me. If I wasn't there, Bismuth probably wouldn't have tried to kill anyone. That's another part of my curse, you see, people suddenly don't care much about human life around me. Like they all KNOW, deep down, that I'll just come back anyway."

"So she thought the same thing we did," Steven realized. "She thought if anyone could bring Lapis back, it's you."

Kenny shrugged. "I don't think she was quite that optimistic. But to answer your earlier question, I've seen both Lapis and Peridot since they died. They both went to Hell."

"How are they doing?"

Kenny smiled, for the first time today. "They're fine," he said. "They're happy together. And they're not in any pain."

Steven smiled too. "That… you know, that actually makes me feel a little better. A lot better, actually. At least they're happy."

"But I thought Hell was about eternal suffering?" Stan said.

"Well, it's supposed to be," Kenny replied. "But Satan's a big softy. Everyone's happy, Lars, PC Principal, Mackey..."

Steven grabbed scratched the back of his neck with his good arm. "So, uh… how often do you see them?"

"They got married," Kenny said suddenly.

Any trace of sadness on Steven's face suddenly went away. Stars appeared in his eyes. "They did?!"

"Yup. Yesterday. I was the ring bearer. It was spectacular. They even fused for the first time down there." Kenny sighed. "They wanted you to be there to see it, but..."

Steven looked sad again. "I wish I was there too… I mean, I'm glad they're happy, but… I just want to see them again, one more time."

Kenny leaned against a locker and crossed his arms. "Well, you can't do that… but I can pass along a message, if you'd like."

* * *

Down in Hell, Peridot was rearranging quite a bit of furniture in the replica of their barn that they had down here. "Hmmmmm…" she hummed. "I don't know if the flatscreen should go here or in the back of the Toyota slammed into the ceiling…"

Lapis entered. "You still moving stuff?"

"Well, yeah, there isn't a whole lot else to do here." Peridot raised her hand and admired the gold band adorned on her ring finger. "Besides, I think we need a new morp to commemorate recent events, and I have to make room for that."

Kenny entered the room. "Hey guys," he greeted.

"Oh, Kenny!" Peridot waved, grinning. "I need your opinion. Should our new TV go mounted on the wall, or hung loosely by a cable outside?"

Kenny shrugged. "I dunno, I'm not an interior decorator. Listen, I've got a message for you."

Peridot tilted her head. "From who?"

"From WHOM, dear," Lapis corrected.

"From whomst?"

Kenny reached into his pocket, and retrieved a letter. "It's from Steven."

Peridot frowned. "Steven…? I don't understand, how is that—"

"I told him about my power." Kenny shrugged. "He's… probably not going to remember, but he still wanted to give you this."

Peridot looked at the letter quizzically. She sighed, and opened it. Mentally, she read it in his voice.

 _Hi Peridot and Lapis!_

 _I hope this letter gets to you okay! Kenny had to kill himself to get down there, and he told me it would hurt a lot._

The letter was spattered with blood—Kenny must have killed himself right there in front of Steven. Peridot was going to say that must have been traumatizing, but… Steven's already traumatized.

 _How are you doing? Are things going good? Kenny told me you got married and fused! I wish I could have been there to see it. I decided I was gonna call it "Lapidot". That's probably a crappy name, huh? Maybe you can write back, somehow, and tell me what her name actually is!_

 _I miss you. A lot. We all do. Even Pearl._

Peridot chuckled at that.

 _Things up here… aren't that great. A lot of our friends were killed in the final days of the war, and we're still dealing with that. The President's asked the Crystal Gems to help him fix the country, since we're kind of the ones who broke it, but right now… we're just so busy burying our friends. We don't have time._

 _If you can't write back, I understand. Kenny told me I probably won't remember sending this letter. That's fine. I just wanted to let you know that I miss you, and we all love you both, and I hope you're not in any pain or anything. Eternal suffering sounds pretty bad._

 _See you in, like, 60 years, maybe!_

 _Steven Diamond Universe_

 _P.S. My mom was actually Pink Diamond. It was a whole thing. Really traumatic. Garnet's married now. Yellow Diamond bought me Red Dead Redemption 2, so she's cool, I guess. White Diamond is not cool. I don't ever want to meet her again._

Peridot realized that Lapis had been leaning over her shoulder and reading along with her. She sighed sadly and closed the letter. "I miss them."

"Their lives sound terrible now," Lapis muttered. "I mean… we're in HELL, and our lives are probably better."

Suddenly, Satan entered the barn. "Knock knock," he greeted. "Peridot, can I talk to you? Alone?"

Peridot was concerned. Truth be told, she had never interacted one-on-one with the prince of darkness. She wasn't sure what to expect. She glanced over at Lapis.

"Don't worry, he's a big softie," she said, kissing Peridot on the forehead. "You better go see what he wants."

Peridot nodded and walked past Kenny to meet with Satan. Satan closed the barn door. "Walk with me," he said. "Are you finding everything you need, here?"

"Yeah, things are… things are great," Peridot said, intimidated. "I'm surprised, actually. I'd only heard bad things about this place, but I'm really enjoying myself here. Like South Carolina."

"Well, yeah, the good parts of South Carolina," Satan quipped. "You've never been to ACTUAL South Carolina." Satan paused. "So, Peridot. Your death was… unexpected, to say the least."

"Yeah, I don't think anyone saw it coming," Peridot replied. "And anyone who SAYS they saw it coming is a liar. I think everyone just expected everything to… reset, or something. Like it was all going to be okay."

Satan moved forward. "Even so… your death wasn't necessary."

"It was necessary."

"Well, you could have saved yourself, let everyone else die."

Peridot stared at her feet. "I couldn't do that. I refused to do that."

"You sacrificed yourself. That's what I'm getting at, here."

Kenny, too curious for his own good, poked his head out of the barn doors to eavesdrop.

"I'd do it again," Peridot said. "Not that it did any good, everyone up there is still miserable."

"I know you would." Satan looked around the area. "Peridot, did you know that we have rules here in Hell?"

"No, I didn't."

"They were created shortly after the first Canadian-American War. At the end of that war, a very brave young boy sacrificed himself the same way you did."

Kenny smiled. That would be him.

"Because of that, anyone who sacrifices themselves gets one wish from me." Satan knelt down. "Now that wish has its own rules, but because of the extenuating circumstances, I'm going to bend a few. Peridot. I'm giving you a choice."

"A choice?"

Satan nodded. "Another chance at life."

Kenny grinned. There would be a happy ending after all!

"At your word, I can return both you and Lapis to the land of the living," Satan announced.

Peridot grinned as well. "Yes! That! Let's do that!"

"OR…" Satan continued. "You can wish to return planet Earth to the way it was before the war started. Lapis, Lars, Aquamarine, the Off Colors, PC Principal, Mackey, they'll all be brought back. And the millions of Canadians and Americans who were killed in the war."

"Oh, well, yeah, let's do that."

"BUT…" Satan wasn't done yet. "You will be forced to stay here."

"...what?"

Kenny, who was still eavesdropping, frowned. "Yes, I'm afraid that's the second part of your sacrifice," Satan said. "You may choose to save yourself, or you can save everyone else."

Peridot looked slightly less excited. She deflated as she considered her options. "Oh…" she said softly.

"I can let you think about it, if you want. Talk it over with Lapis."

"Yeah, I need some time," Peridot said, although she for sure was not going to discuss this with Lapis.

She had a feeling Lapis would oppose what Peridot was considering.

* * *

Kyle and his new "friend" arrived at the latter's cheating wife's apartment. "Get out of the car, kid!" the man ordered.

"Look, dude. You got the wrong guy," Kyle tried to reason with the man. "I'm ten. Okay? You're accusing a ten year-old of sleeping with your wife."

"Shut up!"

Kyle looked around. Officer Barbrady was just down the road. His eyes widened. "Hey! Hey, Officer Barbrady!"

Officer Barbrady raised an eyebrow and looked in Kyle's direction. "Oh, hello there, Kyle! Who's your friend?"

"He's not a friend, he's gonna kill me! Shoot him!"

Officer Barbrady shook his head. "No can do, Kyle, I'm on traffic duty now. This is outside of my jurisdiction."

The man glared at Kyle. "Alright, come on, kid, let's go," he said as he pushed Kyle up the stairs.

"You bastard!" Kyle shouted at Officer Barbrady. "You're going to let a fucking child die!"

Barbrady just stared blankly at Kyle as he was dragged into the apartment. He then glanced over at the kidnapper's truck. "Hey, wait a second… he's parked in a handicapped spot! Oh, he's going to get it." Retrieving a pen and a pad, Barbrady began writing out a citation.

The man knocked on the door. "Amy, come out here!" he yelled.

"Eat shit, Tom," a voice called from inside.

"I found another one of your boy toys!"

"I keep telling you, I'm ten!" Kyle argued.

"Yeah, and I heard about this preschool teacher who slept with one of her students," Tom argued back. "Your age isn't getting you out of this one!"

"But that's…!" Kyle sighed. "Okay, fine, that's fair."

Tom groaned and kicked the door down. His wife was laying on the couch, having sex with some other guy.

"Tom!" Amy exclaimed. "Get out of here you fucking psycho!"

The man she was having sex with stood up. "Hey, what's going on in—?!" his sentence, and his life, was cut short when Tom fired a bullet between his eyes.

"Jesus Christ, Tom!" Amy yelled. "This is why we can't have nice things!"

Kyle stared at the guy's body in horror. Ordinarily, he wouldn't care about something like this. But since the events at the White House, death suddenly impacted him a lot more. He felt sick to his stomach. "Oh, god, not another one!" he shouted. And if there was no status quo anymore…

"Shut up, kid, you're next," Tom threatened. "Amy. You fucked over the wrong man."

"Clearly."

Kyle glanced up at Tom. "You guys have some issues you need to work out, seriously. Jesus Christ…"

"What, and you think YOU can solve our problems?" Tom asked.

"Wait, Tom, is that boy Jewish?" Amy asked. "Maybe he CAN solve our problems!"

"You killed a guy," Kyle pointed out. "That guy's dead now. He's never coming back."

Tom knelt down to meet Kyle's eyes. "Little boy… you fucked my wife. I just need to know… why did she do it? What am I doing wrong?"

"Well, for starters, you should probably stop killing people," Kyle said, still staring at the corpse. "I'm not a woman, but I'd guess that's a major turnoff."

"He's right," Amy admitted. "You spend too much time at work."

Kyle tilted his head. "Work?"

"Amy, you know I work so hard because I love you," Tom defended. "I just want to give you a good life. I work hard so you don't have to."

"I know, it's just… you're never around. I get lonely," Amy sighed.

Tom was silent for a moment. "Maybe… maybe I should take some time off of work…" he admitted. "Maybe I should be spending less time on my job, and more time with you. Amy, I love you. I want to make this work."

Kyle was so confused. "You kill people at your job? What do you do?"

Tom raised an eyebrow. "I'm a hit man. Wasn't that obvious?"

"...no!"

"Tom, I want to make this work, too," Amy said. "You just need to stop spending so much time killing people for money."

"I will, Amy," Tom said. "Starting tomorrow, I'm taking a vacation. I'm going to dedicate that time to you."

"Oh, Tom!"

"I just have one more job I need to do, first." Tom looked frustrated. "Do you know a Kyle Broflovski?"

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "I'm Kyle Broflovski."

Tom smiled. "Oh, great!" He pointed his gun at Kyle. "Canada sends its regards."

Kyle glared. "Oh, god damn it."

"Did you really think it was over?" Tom asked. "It'll never be over. The only thing that could end it is, like, a total reset… some kind of… retcon, like… like if we just… went back, to before the war started. But as far as I can see, that's not happening. Even now, a team of hit men is closing in on your friends. The Crystal Gems. Mr. Garrison. Onion. Everyone who was involved. Nobody's making it out alive."

* * *

Meanwhile, at Tegridy Farms, Randy, Towelie, and Amethyst checked the quality of Randy's product. Towelie grabbed a leaf from a nearby hemp plant, rolled it up into a joint, lit it, and smoked it. "Yup, that's some good shit," he said as he passed the joint to Amethyst. She took a hit.

"Whoa, mama!" she exclaimed. "Sheesh, Randy, what're you growing here?"

"That's a little somethin' called 'tegridy," Randy replied in that stupid fake country accent he'd developed. "You guys should try it some time."

Garnet watched from the Marshes' front porch, a cowboy hat on her head and a stick of hay protruding from her mouth. Sharon sat next to her. "Sharon," Garnet said, breaking a long silence that had fallen between them.

Sharon stared at Garnet. She still wasn't entirely sure what to make of her. Although they met during the Member Berries epidemic that had immediately followed the Presidential Election, Sharon admittedly hadn't spent much time getting to know the Crystal Gems. All she knew is that they, through one mysterious circumstance or another, knew Randy, and because he trusted them, so did she.

But now, with the Crystal Gems quickly moving their base of operations into Tegridy Farms, Sharon once again found herself interacting with these strange alien women that she didn't REALLY know. "Yes, Garnet?" she replied.

"You and Randy have been together a long time, haven't you?"

"Fifteen years. But Randy's told me that you've been, uh, 'together' for even longer than that," Sharon replied, alluding to one of the stranger aspects of the fusion.

Garnet nodded. "In all those years, I don't think the Crystal Gems have ever faced the internal challenges and struggles we had to face in 2018. You and Randy, you've had your fair share of troubles, haven't you?"

Sharon closed her eyes and chuckled. "You could say that, yes. But we make it work."

"I think we have a lot to learn from you," Garnet said. Suddenly, she frowned. This did not go unnoticed by Sharon, who raised an eyebrow.

"Garnet?" she said. "Are you—"

"Get inside the house," Garnet commanded.

"Why? What's—?"

"Randy!" Garnet yelled, standing up. "Randy, get inside!"

Randy and Amethyst looked worried. "What do you see?" Randy asked.

Towelie just looked confused. "Man, I have no idea what's going on right now."

The closing of a car door startled Randy. He turned around, and saw that a simple black sedan had pulled up to the farmhouse. Its driver, a gray-haired man in a suit and black gloves, stepped out. "Good afternoon, Mr. Marsh," the man greeted. "You're keeping dangerous company, you know that?"

Randy stepped forward. "Can I help you with something?" he asked, dropping the fake country accent.

"My name is Leo Teal. My partners and I represent a… consulting firm, and one of our clients has asked us to… settle some business with your houseguests."

Randy glared at the man. "I think you should leave, partner," he said, putting the accent back on. "And next time you come around here, bring your Tegridy with you."

"Oh, I'm afraid we won't be doing that, Mr. Marsh," Leo said definitively. "I'm going to have to ask you to step aside."

"Oh, yeah? Or what?" Randy continued to glare at the man, but stepped backwards when he realized that Teal, and his associates, were all armed. Teal pulled a silver pistol out of a holster under his coat.

"Simply put, it would be detrimental to your health." Teal narrowed his eyes at Randy. "You have a beautiful family, Mr. Marston. I would hate to have to force them to bury you."

"You've been playing Red Dead Redemption?" Randy asked.

"Tell me something, Mr. Marsh, are you confident that Stanley is being kept safe in that school of his?"

This suddenly got a lot more serious. "If you put a fucking hand on Stan—"

"Then step aside, Mr. Marsh."

Randy stared hopelessly at Teal, then at Amethyst and Towelie.

"Do what he says," Amethyst commanded. "You don't have to be involved."

"Ah, that's one of them now." Teal pointed his gun at Amethyst.

"NO!" Without thinking, Randy ran to tackle Teal. A gunshot rang out. Garnet and Sharon immediately stood up. Sharon screamed.

"Randy!"

Towelie gasped. "Ho-lee shit! I am way too high for this right now!"

Teal pushed Randy's body off of him, and glared at it. "You shouldn't have pissed me off, Mr. Marsh."

"Oh my god!" Amethyst yelled. "You killed Randy! You bastard!"

Tears streamed down Sharon's face as she looked on in horror. Why was this happening? They were supposed to have their happy ending, dammit, it was over!

* * *

Back in Hell, Peridot watched as Lapis slept. She tried to savor it. This would be the last time. She sighed, and placed a note in the blue gem's hands. Kenny approached her.

"So, you've decided, huh?" he asked.

Peridot nodded. "This is the right thing to do." A tear rolled down her cheek. "Where's Satan?"

Kenny held out his hand. "Come on. I'll walk you to him." Peridot grabbed his hand and they walked out into the fires of Hell.

"Kenny, can you make me a promise?" Peridot asked as they walked. "Promise me you'll make sure nothing like that war ever happens again."

Kenny didn't normally like making promises, because promises were hard to keep, but he nodded anyway. "I promise."

Peridot and Kenny reached Satan's house. He was waiting for them. "So. You've made your decision."

Peridot nodded, wiping a tear away. "Yeah. So, uh, how does this work?"

"Just tell me your wish."

Peridot sighed. "Return everything to the way it was before the war."

Satan nodded. "You're sure?"

"Just do it."

"As you wish." Satan raised a fist in the air. Fire surrounded him as a pentagram formed underneath his feet. The entire plane began to shake, and golden dust left Satan's fingertips and soared into the air.

* * *

Kyle, whose forehead was still pressed against Tom's gun, sighed. "Are you going to shoot me, yet?" No response. "Hello?" Kyle looked up. Tom had been frozen. "...what the fuck?" Suddenly, Kyle was surrounded in golden dust. It was at this point that he realized he was standing on top of his own body. A bullet had been placed in the copy's forehead. "Hey, what—what the hell's going on?!"

* * *

Back at South Park Elementary, Vice Principal Strong Woman frantically attempted to take care of her PC Babies, who were crying because of the new oriental rug that Strong Woman had placed in the room.

"Shh, shhhh, it's okay," she muttered. Suddenly, golden dust creeped into the room from under her door. She raised an eyebrow. "What the hell…?"

The dust began to tower next to her. At first, it was completely formless, but then… it took shape. It was a shape she recognized. A shape she missed.

PC Principal stood there, a stupid look on his face. "PC is here to stay," he announced.

The same happened across South Park, Beach City, and the entirety of planet Earth. Gold dust surrounded the planet, as every wrong caused by the Canadian-American War was undone. Every man, woman, and Gem who'd been killed in the conflict pulled a Reverse Thanos was returned to the land of the living.

In Canada, Prime Minister Dave stared sadly at the ruins of Toronto. The Vice President of Big Donut sat next to him, all ghoulish and feral and shit. Dave sighed.

"Can we ever rebuild, buddy?" he asked.

The VP shrugged. "Don't ask me. I'm feral!"

The two remaining members of the Canadian Crystal Gems, Granite and Citrine, approached Dave. "Don't you worry aboot that, guy," Granite said. "Everything's going to be okay soon."

Dave raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean by that?"

Scott the Dick arrived. "We're going to get revenge on those American bastards. Even now, hitmen are closing in on the locations of those responsible."

Dave smacked Scott in the face. "Scott, you fucking dickwheel! Killing the Crystal Gems isn't going to bring our city back!"

It was at this point that gold dust descended upon Toronto, which was rebuilt in seconds. The dust also surrounded the Big Donut VP, and he was transformed from a terrible monster into a man once again. "Hey, look, buddy!" he announced. "I'm not feral anymore!"

Gold dust formed next to Granite in the shape of Canadian Pearl, and soon she too was back. Dave looked between Canadian Pearl, the city, and the VP, and blinked. "Huh. I suppose murder DOES solve all of our problems."

The Canadian Crystal Gems celebrated. "Our plan must have worked!" Granite realized. "The Crystal Gems are dead, and now our friends are back!"

Together, the Canadians celebrated the return of their city.

Back on Tegridy Farms, Randy was already being revived by the power of Peridot's wish. As he stood up, he smirked at his assassins. "It's gonna take a lot more than that to rid me of my Tegridy," he said cockily in his stupid fake country accent.

Sharon wipes a tear away, confused. "Randy…?"

Amethyst's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "WHOA! Randy, how did you DO that?!"

Teal was confused. "I don't understand. You're dead. I killed you. How are you still standing?!" Suddenly, HE was surrounded by the gold dust. "What the hell's going on?!"

Randy looked at his friends, and his wife. This was his family. He stood firmly as the dust surrounded Teal and the group of assassins. "We've got Tegridy here, Teal. Where's yours?"

Teal glared up at the sky. "Damn you, Tegridy!" he shouted as he vanished, as did the gold dust.

Garnet and Sharon approached the others and stared at the spot where the assassins once stood. Garnet was the one to break the silence. "You know… this is pretty fucked up, right here."

 _Ice cold beer, bear-armed fish_

 _Country music and Peridot's wish_

 _We've got 'tegrity no matter where we are_

 _That's life living underneath the stars._

In Beach City, the dust restored the Big Donut, and even completely rebuilt Lars's space ship—with Lars and the Off Colors inside. He stepped outside, and was immediately greeted with a hug from Sadie. Lapis's Gem reformed afterwards, and Lapis herself took shape. She looked around, confused.

"Peridot?" she called out. "Peridot, where are you?"

While searching, she came across a peculiar looking human. Short, blonde, with spiked-up hair, wearing a Big Donut polo. She stopped, and approached her, reading the name tag on her breast.

Her name was "Dot".

 _We don't need nothin' from space corporations_

 _We don't need space flight or fancy innovations_

 _Maybe our 'tegrity's doin' us harm_

 _But that's life living underneath the stars._

On Homeworld, Blue and Yellow Diamond jointly addressed their court. For the first time, Homeworld was allowed to mourn their fallen comrades. It was the beginning of the Third Era; an era of peace and love with Planet Earth. Suddenly, gold dust enveloped the throne room. First, Aquamarine and Topaz returned. They were followed by the dozens of Quartz soldiers who were shattered in the battle of Washington, and, as a personal favor from Satan himself, the many, many soldiers who were killed in the war with the Crystal Gems thousands of years ago.

 _Steven's a Diamond, PC Principal's a dad_

 _From Bezos to Homeworld, there's lots of reasons to feel bad_

 _The globe is warming but that's okay_

' _Cuz we're gonna live on Mars together someday._

Finally, every wrong was made right, and everyone returned to the land of the living… except for one.

Peridot watched from Hell as Planet Earth returned to its rightful state. Everyone was alive. Everyone was happy. She was all alone now. But even she was happy. She strummed on her ukelele as she continued to sing.

" _I know on the surface, this ending seems sad._

 _Well I'm here to tell you that it's not so bad._

 _Now my friends can live in harmony~..."_

She paused.

" _Even if they're doing it all without me."_

Peridot sighed and put the instrument down. "It really is lonely down here…" she mumbled. Satan sat down next to her.

"Yeah. It is," he said. "So. How come you did what you did?"

Peridot shrugged. "I had to put the greater good above my own happiness. Isn't that what sacrifice is all about?"

Satan nodded. "Yes. It is." He paused. "You know, Peridot… I just got back from talking to the big man upstairs. He'd really like to see you."

Peridot tilted her head in confusion. "Big man upstairs?"

At Satan's instruction, Peridot made her way "upstairs", into Heaven. It was there that she was greeted by a friendly human man in a white dress shirt, black pants, and a black tie. The man waved at her. "Hello!" he greeted. "My name is Elder Price. Welcome to Heaven, Peridot. I've been asked to show you around."

Peridot looked up at the large golden gates in front of her. "What is this place?"

"This is eternal life!" Price explained. "On Earth, I served in a missionary in Uganda with my partner, Elder Cunningham. We preached the word of Heavenly Father to all who would listen! We even established a branch of the Church of the Latter Day Saints right there in the village. That was, of course, until I got maggots in my scrotum and died. Because of my commitment to the teachings of Joseph Smith, I was graciously rewarded. Now, I welcome others into the realm of God."

"So why am I here?" Peridot asked as she was led past the gates. "Am I in trouble?"

"Quite the contrary! Due to your selfless acts during the Second Canadian-American War, you've been allowed passage into Heaven, which is quite a prestigious honor for a non-Mormon."

Peridot and Elder Price approached a door. "You still haven't explained what this place is," Peridot said.

Price smiled. "It is whatever you make of it."

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"You see, we Mormons believe that, when you die, your service to Heavenly Father will be rewarded with…" Price chuckled. "Well, you oughta find out for yourself."

Peridot stared at the door. Her own name was engraved on it. "What's behind his door?"

"What would you LIKE to be behind the door?"

Peridot thought about it for a moment. Sighing, she apprehensively tested the knob. It was unlocked. She stared at Elder Price, who continued to smile at her.

"Go on!" he encouraged.

Peridot opened the door. Suddenly, she was bathed in a white light. She could hear voices.

" _Peridot… Peridot… PERIDOT!_ "

* * *

Peridot snapped back to reality upon realizing everyone was staring at her. "Wait. What?"

"Peridot, are you okay?" Steven asked.

Peridot looked around. A Christmas tree. Stockings. Holly, mistletoe. It was snowing outside. She looked down at her hands.

Lapis's stocking. Lapis was gone.

Peridot was so confused. _It's… Christmas…_ she thought to herself. She looked over at the calendar.

December 24th, 2017. Christmas Eve.

Peridot's eyes widened. This was THAT Christmas. The one where Lapis tried to ruin Christmas in South Park. Had she been sent… back in time? Or was this what Elder Price meant, when he said she'd be granted eternal life?

Was she getting a second chance?

She realized it at that moment. This WAS a second chance. A chance to do things right. Peridot smiled. "Yeah," she replied. "Yeah, I'm going to be fine."

Steven looked worried. "Are you sure?"

Peridot nodded. "Of course. Just, uh, a bad memory, is all." Everything was going to be better, this time. This time around, the Crystal Gems were going to have a little 'tegrity.

After Christmas, Peridot offered to accompany the Crystal Gems to their mission in Canada. When the Canadian Gems appeared, she was able to mediate peace. The Crystal Gems agreed to allow Granite, Citrine, and Canadian Pearl to do their thing so long as they never left New Toronto—likewise, the Crystal Gems were banished from ever entering Canada again.

The following year, a lot of stuff happened. Steven and Connie went to space and met up with Lars and the Off Colors once more. Sadie started a band. Garnet got a cat. Steven learned, properly, who his mother really was, though Peridot was forced to feign ignorance—"YOU'RE Pink Diamond?!" she asked with false incredulity.

"My mom was. Which I guess means I am. I don't know!" Steven replied.

Peridot hummed. "I suppose this makes me a member of your court…"

At some point before that, the kids from South Park phoned to ask for help with Trent Boyett—this wound up being a scheme concocted by Professor Chaos to finally defeat Coon and Friends, a scheme which Peridot happily joined, as she had the previous time.

This time, however, they stuck around for a few weeks and the Gems helped the town deal with a variety of issues, culminating in their aiding Randy in defeating Jeff Bezos with Tegridy. Steven and Stan forged a brotherly bond once Stan learned how cool Gem stuff was. He, his family, and his friends were invited to Garnet's wedding—which was crashed by Bismuth, Blue and Yellow Diamond, and eventually Lapis herself. The reunion didn't last, however, as both Peridot and Lapis were poofed.

Yellow and Blue came to learn Steven's true identity, and agreed to help him fix the corrupted Gems on Earth, but first, they'd need help from White Diamond. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny realized this was much bigger than they ever thought—and volunteered to accompany Steven, the Gems, and Connie to Homeworld. It was here that they came face to face with White Diamond, who killed Kenny.

Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth joined them at their darkest hour, and together they faced off against White Diamond, who found herself flawed when faced with Steven's childlike naïveté.

The Diamonds returned to Earth and together cured the corrupted Gems. The Third Era had begun. At last, Earth and Homeworld were at peace. As the boys celebrated, Kenny approached them.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" he asked.

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Kenny, where the hell were you? You missed the space adventure."

Kenny just shrugged.

* * *

Eventually, all of the excitement died down. The boys returned home, as did the Diamonds. That night, the Crystal Gems—Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, and Steven, along with Peridot, Lapis, Connie, Bismuth, and Greg—all had a cookout. Peridot sat next to Lapis and sighed.

"What's up?" Lapis asked.

Peridot shrugged. "Just thinking."

"About what?"

"About how different our lives could have been."

"If we hadn't met Steven?"

Peridot paused. "Yeah. If we hadn't met Steven…" She shrugged. "Ah, well. Best not dwell on the past."

Suddenly, through Greg's boom box, Peridot's favorite song came on.

 _We can dance if we want to,_

 _We can leave your friends behind._

 _Because your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance_

 _Well they're no friends of mine._

Peridot stood up and got down. "Oh. OH! This one's my FAVORITE!"

Lapis chuckled. "Well then… may I have this dance?"

Peridot nodded. "Of course."

Lapis grabbed Peridot's hand.


End file.
